entry 6

OMFG OKAY.

so basically in english we had to write our own speech of a topic of 'personal contextual importance', and guess what i did?

shyness.

here's a copy of it:

First of all, let me warn you. They asked for personal… we're gonna get pretty personal. I'm not sure how to go into this topic without it being personal, so yeah. 

  

I'm a shy person. It's… pretty obvious, I guess. 

  

I can't account for all the shy people out there, but being shy… 

  

Okay, let me ask you, have you ever really wanted to be friends with someone? Because, you think that maybe if you gave it a go you could get along with them, really well? You think about it before you go to bed at night, rehearse imaginary conversations in your head, think of lame conversation starters; and get really fired up but kind of anxious about the next day? And because you're anxious, you kind of hesitate when you see that person you want to talk to, so you don't end up putting those crappy conversation starters to the test. 

  

Maybe that's just me. 

  

Let me ask you another question. 

  

Remember when you were a kid? Maybe around, 3 years old?  I can't really remember what I was doing back then or what I was feeling, so I don't think you guys can really remember in exact detail what you were doing, when you were that young. That feeling of not remembering, that's what I have of year 7. And I wasn't even in Smiths Hill back then. When you leave primary school, you're not really your own person. So this whole idea of separation from my best friends in primary school was overwhelming; I knew no one, and I didn't try to get to know anyone - I even remember someone asking me 'why don't you smile much?' I couldn't really answer. At that time I was in my own little bubble, I don't even know. Maybe sometime around late term 1, I started making friends with this girl who really liked this anime, and the day we went to the library to watch it together my mum told me I was moving to smith's hill. 

  

I was… pretty hesitant to go, but compared to the me back then and the me now, I'm pretty glad I chose going. So year 7, I can’t really remember – it was just a huge rush. 

  

Year 8 flew by really quickly - it was just about making my own little nest with my bunch of friends. Around the end of 2012 I think someone random from our year said hello to me and I was pretty surprised so I said hi back. That made me realise that saying hello to people was actually really awesome - after all I think it made my day. So I thought, that people in our year are actually probably friendly and interesting people that'd be cool to become friends with. 

  

And these kind of thoughts transferred into year 9. This is where my brother came in. 

  

My bro went to this school, graduating before I finished primary school, but ever since I can remember he's always told me about the things he's done in Smiths Hill (like making Smag with his friends) and from all the stories he's told, well, I know he was one of those people you call 'popular', or at least, he knew everyone and everyone knew him and his nickname was even 'Smiley' for a short while. He was outgoing, friendly, skipped class once in year 11 and saw Mr Zabelle at the shops, who told him 'I won't tell if you won't tell'…. And then I'm that shy girl who has trouble talking to people I don't really know. 

  

I know, I know it's bad 'comparing' myself to him, but I can't really help it - I look up to him. He's the type who wouldn't change a thing if he were asked, 'would you go back and change your high school life if given the chance'. And what's funny is - we can do anything we want. Like, at assembly, just full on dancing and singing your heart out to the national anthem, or going up to someone in the streets and just hugging them. Of course I don't really recommend that one, because it'd be bordering on creepy and sexual harassment, but, yeah. That's why I figured, why not? Why can't I just try to be more approachable, and say hello to random people - make friends? I don't want to be the person regretting stuff later because I was too scared to just go up and say hi to someone. Others might judge that it’d be weird because – woah – the quiet person? 

But yolo. 

  

So yeah, after a long while of just thinking and staring at the computer screen I came up with this. I was pretty hesitant about it all, but oh well. 

The making friend thing… I’m getting there. 

Oh, and next time you see a shy person, you should totally talk to them. They’re probably really cool. 

yeah.

i'm the most embarassing person aren't i?

okay, well i guess not that embarassing, but still.

/deep sigh.

so the class laughed a few times and people clapped and all that. i don't really expect anything to change; i'm just glad i got it out.

my story has been told and now they know not only my name but my story too.

i hope nothing bad comes out of this /flops, rather the opposite?

i'm tired.

today i was put into a group with the src dude and another guy. it was awkward but hey, i tried, kinda.

yolo.

man i'm so tired.

this is entry 6, thanks for reading.

have an awesome day!

entry 5

so you know what's totally awesome?!

today at school we had a substitute teacher for maths, and of course the seating plan didn't need to be followed because well, we had a different teacher, but in maths will sat next to me and i kind of just reminded him that he could sit next to his friends but he was like nah i like you and then iunno for a moment i was like ... and then i was like ASDFGHJKLJHGFD FRIEND1!@!# but i didn't really show it but it meant a lot to me even though he was probably just saying that to make me feel better /kicks dirt. so yeah that kinda made my day.

before that however was drama class and we played this game called zip zap zoop and basically it's this small clapping game where zip goes left, zap goes right, and zoop goes across (everyone stands in a circle) and basically y'know that guy who voted for me to be src? yeah well he's in my drama class and in the first few days where i had my moments of braveness, i said hi to him a couple times and that was awesome but nowadays i've just been feeling a little... ugh and iunno, i guess i'm trying to find chances where i can but when i do i hesitate and that chance leaves (when in actuality chances are probably always there and i'm just too much of a butt to do something about it) and well i heard my name (i think) before the start of the game mentioned by him and his group of friends and (let's call him soul, man i am so obvious (but not so obvious to you anon readers)) throughout the game when it came to their turn they zooped it to me and after the third time i kind of just shook my head and rolled my eyes a bit and they laughed and i thought that was kind of cool? like i think they were being friendly. i think. i'm not too well-versed in this kind of stuff but it was interesting so i made a vow to myself to say hi to him on monday (it's friday today).

so i found that pretty cool and kind of a friend-making chance, aha.

today was also subject selections day. it's so weird how a year can pass by so quickly and next thing you know it i'll be in year 12 doing my hsc. creepy.

i asked my friend dylan if he was doing pe4 (mainly dancing) and he was like yeah, i am, semester 1, and i was like YAYY THAT MEANS WE'RE TOGETHER M8 and he laughed and kinda jokingly said haha maybe i should swap classes then and i was like wAHT NO DON'T but yeah that was a cool interaction.

/re-reads and sighs. these small things make me so happy i don't even know why.

so basically for year ten at my school you have to do all the mandatories such as english, science, maths, history, geography, languages (in my instance, japanese) but you also get your final bunch of electives, in this case where i had three electives.

so the ones i wanted to do were

• acting
• youth theatre
• creative writing
• music on the stage, vocal

acting should be self-explanatory, it's a course about acting on the screen and stage and all that. youth theatre is basically making up plays and performing it to little kiddies around your local area (which sounds like TONS OF FUN like holy crap it sounds really amazing), creative writing should also be self-explanatory and music on the stage is basically singing, creating harmonies and at the end doing a massive performance with the class. i don't think i mentioned that i love singing, but yeah, i do. i also love writing.

for youth theatre though, you need to do a pre-requisite course which was either text to performance or theatrestyles. i /really/ wanted to do the acting course though, so i asked the drama teacher if i could just do acting and youth theatre instead of doing the pre-requisite and his answer kind of made me ponder about my future and got me really thinking.

he said; if i'm serious about acting (as in doing it for the hsc) then i should do acting and youth theatre but if i'm not then i should just do text to performance and youth theatre.

i chose acting and youth theatre. but honestly? i'm not too sure if i want to continue it into the hsc. sure, that sounds like amazing fun but what if it turns out i suck at acting and then i'm expected to continue it into the hsc? of course i can always not but, these expectations...

i'll just do my best; i told my brother about this and he said well as long as you do your best you'll probably do well.

so yeah, that's what i'll do.

so that's two spots taken up, what about the last one?

well, i chose music on the stage vocal. singing is wonderful to me - it's like an outlet. but so is writing. i just figured since i already do write fanfiction and i do roleplay on tumblr now (i recently started in the star trek community and it's the greatest thing ever - just-following-orders <3) that i'll be okay. besides my friend took it this semester and promised to give me her book to look over so yeah, that's cool.

weird because today i basically just chose my future and i have no idea how it'll turn out.

i'm gonna have to create a back-up for this blog because i don't want it to suddenly be erased and have all my entries lost.

also, did i tell you about canoe guy? it's a bit embarrassing so for now i'll refrain.

also i started doing basketball and it's amazing holy crepes. I GOT TWO BASKETS FOR THE FIRST TIME TWO DAYS AGO AND IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING FEELING EVER.

thanks for reading guys! halloween is coming up real soon so i really hope you guys have wonderful ones, if you celebrate it. 

comment if you have any thoughts about this, i'd be delighted to hear any, really. i know some of you read this, or maybe it's just the statistic thingy screwing up.

bye cuties! reminder to sit up straight and have a good day. c:

entry 4

so recently i've been getting into the star trek series, due to the two newest movies, 09 and 13. Chris Pine is definitely one sexy mofo just saiyan'. i even made a rp blog (just-following-orders) and it's so unbelievably fun.

did i tell you guys about the maths seating plan?

i don't think so...

well, let me tell you about it then.

basically, maybe a term ago our teacher decided to put the class into a seating plan because everyone was being too noisy with the people they already were with and i got paired up with this guy called adam. he's uh, he's one of those popular-ish guys and he's friends with the canoe guy. did i tell you the story of canoe guy? omg i have to tell lots of stories, don't i, aha. well i might say it later but for now, canoe guy is my used-to-be/maybe crush.

at first i was thinking: oh this'll be alright this guy seems okay, i can make friends with him!

the first time he sat next to me it was okay. at least, i think it was. he was just laughing randomly and i didn't question why though i did jokingly ask him if he was alright, to which he laughed and said yes, and stuff.

the next time he came into class and sat next to a popular girl and i was like well okay, but then the teacher told him to go back to his seat and he kind of groaned and sat next to me again.

the third time he entered class with his friend and as he walked to his seat he joked with his friend about 'getting in with the asian chick' and that was probably the point where i was like yeah... no... - i wasn't sure if i really wanted to make friends with this guy. i talked to him a bit but then the next lesson the jokes about 'getting in' with me got worse so i decided not to talk to him at all.

i felt as if because i was the 'quiet, shy' girl, if i talked to a guy suddenly they'd suspect something and get all cocky, so... yeah. i've become a bit apprehensive when talking to guys now.

the fourth or fifth time i sat next to him, well, he was okay. the jokes stopped and even though he has a tendency of looking over my work (aND MAKING ME ANXIOUS like seriously he's really good at maths and i'm okay and i swear he judges me based on my answers) he's alright. he helped me once and i was like oh...? thank you.

so he's okay. i'm just, a bit, maybe scared of him? intimidated? i don't know the right word but i don't think he likes me aha.

then we had to change classrooms.

at first it was okay because we were allowed to sit next to our friends again but then guess what.

...

you probably guessed right.

another seating plan was put into order and this time it was another guy called will, who i had once lent a calculator to (i pride myself on that fact yo). will's cool. he's like the class clown but he's nice, so this time i'm a tad happier where i am ehe.

i find it cool because although i'm not amazing at maths i'm good enough, and will is okay at it so basically i can help him and these last two lessons i've been helping him so that's pretty awesome - it makes me feel as if I've done something good LOL. it's so awesome because i was kind of just copying questions down and we were sharing textbooks and he asked if i had done question f, which i hadn't. and basically he told me what you had to do and i was like well okay thanks i think and he was like no worries i felt like i needed to show off to you and i was like well... thank you again. and he seems really nice so i wouldn't mind getting to know him more! /puts on victory headband I FEEL AS IF I'M MAKING FRIEND AND IT's GLORIOUS GUYS.

recently though, when it's coming to other people i've been a bit hesitant for some reason.

y'know canoe guy? well, y'know how i went up to him and said all that stuff about him being cool and asking him if he didn't mind me talking to him?

well it's been two weeks and i haven't talked to him at all because i've been too scared /deep sigh.

i know that it's supposed to be a two-way thing like; there's supposed to be some reciprocation but what reason does he have to talk to me? i'm just that shy girl who's happened to gain random bursts of courage and then cowardliness. yeah, i have no idea how this is gonna work out but sometimes i just get random sparks of bleh and i just go to my friend ruby 'man i am the awkwardest person you'll ever meet' and she always questions why and i tell her a bit but never go too into detail, but i think she understands.

halloween is coming up.

i hope you guys have a good one! c:

thanks for reading, this is entry number 4.

have a happiness-filled day friends!

entry 3

do you ever just...

maybe this is just me and my own thoughts, but...

do you ever just have that passing thought of; 'and then there's me...'?

this is stupid and i'm over-thinking this but i saw a picture of facebook of two of my classmates - one who is this really popular girl and another of this guy, they were together posing and looking as if they had lots of fun. and of course there were the many comments and more than 25+ likes and it's so stupid but i couldn't help but look at the girl and remember the many times she's been involved with crazy events (mainly guys teasing her and stuff) happening with her, and thinking - 'and then there's me...'.

it's so... hard.

i don't even know why.

i'm really an idiot.

it's funny how humans envy things. god, and it's really annoying. life is such a butt. the real, nice things come like poop - gradually but feeling nice and when finally you're done pooping, you're satisfied until you need to poop again.

wait does that even work---

sorry, that didn't turn out as smoothly as i wanted it to.

/deep sigh.

so, just re-reading what i wrote... what was my point? i don't even know myself.

oh, that's right.

it's just that since it's already been two years or so, people have already made their friendship groups and even if i do try to connect with people and get to know them more it's just... it feels pointless because i'm constantly wondering if they like me, or constantly beating myself up over the fact that i'm so awkward it hurts.

i want to become friends with particular people so much in my year that i end up worrying uselessly over how i'll approach them and when i do approach them i tend to not approach them again because i'm scared they'll think i'm annoying.

i was talking to my friend recently about this, a primary school friend who doesn't go to my highschool, and she was like: well, if you keep thinking you're bad at that kind of thing, when you're actually facing it you'll believe that you're bad when you're really not and you'll ruin it for yourself.

i see her point, i really do. she also said that i wasn't that shy but i don't think she knows it first-hand because she hasn't seen me withdraw into the shell that i have around me. but then she also stated that i was kind of like a turtle, with a shell of... something akin to shyness but on the inside really weird and crazy and lovable. honestly? i just want to show people the... more... extrovert me instead of the introvert exterior.

true friendships can happen similar to the idea of 'clicking' it just does and you don't remember how but it is how it is. it can also happen gradually. right now i can't think of other ways, but maybe there are.

i just...

i'm really...

she told me to just be myself and to say hi to people more and start conversations - and if people were in my class then that's good because you can eventually talk to them more and more until you're friends.

and that's a good plan but what would i talk about with them?

i just.

i really.

let me wallow in self-hate for a moment.

/deep sigh.

at least, recently i've been making a friend, i think.

i realized that facebook was actually a pretty good tool to getting to know people and such - so i began speaking to this guy. let's call him bell. basically during our convo it got to the question that i asked 'do you think you're a shy person?' and he said, 'yeah, i am pretty shy. why?' and i then stated that i was a shy person as well and that the reason i ran for src was to be more approachable to our year and such, and that i wanted to make friends. and then later i kinda hesitantly asked, 'do you think the people in our year would mind if i talked to them more?' and his response made me incredibly happy like i was just smiling at it for a while - it was: 'no! they'd love to get to know you' and still that makes me so happy you can't believe--

uhm, anyway.

it gives me motivation y'know? sorry i was being so negative earlier. i have those moments and you'll probably see more of them, i'm sorry.

if anyone actually reads this, then what are you feeling? can you relate to this? do you pity me? do you think i'm an idiot (don't worry, i do too)? honestly, i want to know.

but yeah.

i should just keep on smiling and doing what i'm doing and stop thinking so much.

thank you for reading. this is entry 3.

may happiness rule your day. also a reminder that smiling is good for your face. so go ahead and do it yo. only if you mean it though.

entry 2

i'm a hopeless romantic.

seriously.

it really sucks to be me.

there are so many pretty (generally, not just referring to ladies) people in my year. among them there are two that are SUPER, SUPER pretty. like intensely pretty - like 'how even are you that pretty' pretty.

in my spare time, like when i'm having a bath (a good suggestion for baths is using 1/4 cup of honey, it's wonderful promise) or before i go to sleep, i tend to think a lot. i think about could be's and those could be's could be (/snickers) the end of me. y'see, i plan a lot of things. i plan things like - so what should i say to this person, how would they respond, and how will i respond to their response? things like that, and i'm open to if they don't turn out the way i plan because if they don't turn out the way i plan, well, that just means i'm getting the guts to begin the plan in the first place.

lemme tell you a thing.

today is uhm, the second day into the school holidays.

you know what i did on the last day of school?

i went up to this guy.

now, this guy used to be my crush.

i honestly cannot tell if this guy still IS my crush because i do not feel the dokidokis (term meaning: heartbeat) for him, or anyone for that matter. i think. i really, really can't tell and it's annoying me a lot.

so i went up to the guy, and i did not plan a thing when i said 'oh, uhm, yeah this may be a little weird but you seem like a really cool person, do you mind if i talk to you some more?' - okay so maybe i've been thinking of saying this to some people i think are amazing because i'm scared if i'll annoy them - but I JUST. WORD VOMIT. UGH.

to self: this is why you can't have nice things.

his response was a really cute smile and he said something along the lines of 'yeah go ahead' or something but i was too ASDFGHJ to really register it.

fuck.

sorry for the swear.

but anyway. all i wanted to do was say a 'see you and have a good holiday' but no, i just had to say something like that. i think what i had in mind at that moment was 'oh yeah say something memorable geez', but darling jesse, yes that may've been memorable but ALSO REALLY STUPID OF YOU because now he probably thinks you like him (and maybe you kind of do) but really, how stupid can you be when you're not even sure of if you DO like him? i just...

give me a moment of silence to facepalm at my idiocy.

...
...
...

thank you.

fuck.

sorry again.

ugh.

now i just have to hope he kind of forgets about that interaction and i have to act normal. i don't know why i'm overreacting but i'll give you a warning that i am prone to it even if there is no reason to.

i'm just waiting for the holidays to be over so i can act all smooth-talking and suave.

and oh.

back to the thing about the hopeless romantic thing.

wait, first i'll go into more depth about the src thing i mentioned last entry.

so for the src thing you have to make a speech and i vaguely remember saying something about toilet paper for the leisure of people's butts. uhm. yeah. that was on the spur of the moment and i didn't mean to mention the word butt or any synonym to 'butt'. so anyway my friend told me later that day that a guy in our year was talking about it on the bus and he'd voted for me because he thought that mention of the butts was cute.

i was not sure how to react to that, and i told that friend to not tell me anything because it'd raise my hopes (i didn't get it in the end so i'm glad that i didn't get my hopes raised too much) but after the src thing was over, i finally asked her who it was and it was this guy in my year who i kind of... well... avoided (not really, but i can't find the particular word for what i want to say) because i thought he was kind of unreachable and 'too cool' for me, the shy girl. i realize now though that people are actually SO easy to say hello to and they say 'a simple hello can lead to a million things'. so i've stopped trying to think that people are too good for me and stuff and just get out there and try to make friends with them, without annoying them.

it's 12:53am and i need to pee.

sorry 'bout that.

so anyway i began to pay more attention to this guy and recently i've been saying hi to him and i'm pretty proud of saying hello to him /coughs. because he seems like an extremely nice guy and it makes me so so happy that at least someone supposedly voted for me.

uh and let me get something out - HE'S EXTREMELY FUCKING ATTRACTIVE.

sorry. just putting it out there.

but now i really want to become a friend of his because he seems genuinely like a good person.

and i've made more friendly acquaintances! it's so fun making friends, wow.

so i'll tell you about one friendly acquaintance interaction!

i was paired up with this guy, let's call him megan (weird i know, but if i ever look back at this i think i can remember who it is just by that name huehuehue) for this thing for intro drama, along with these two year eights.

it was pretty awkward at first and we had to think of this routine for this cheer, and no one had any ideas until megan suggested one and then i suggested one and then we kinda kept the conversation going so that no one else felt too awkward. let's just say our cheer wasn't as good at the other's but hey, at least we tried. and during that time we had to think of stuff, i remembered when megan was talking to this other guy about this zombie game called the last of us and i was excited about it as well but decided it might be weird for me, especially coz i'm a girl and i guess guys don't really expect girls to be into games, so i didn't say anything. but i brought it up and was like, so hey you have the last of us right? and he was like (I THINK HE WAS PROBABLY KINDA CREEPED OUT SO IF HE EVER SEES THIS WHICH HE PROBS WON'T, I'M SORRY) oh yeah and then we began to talk about the ending and stuff and ellie and joel and stuff and it was great.

we had to stay in our groups for this clowning skit and that was less awkward than the first one and i feel that it was really good, because intro drama requires us to be out there, and less shy and more ourselves - and since we all put in our ideas, i think our clowning skit was pretty damn awesome.

so i took this as an 'okay' to say hi to him and the other people in my group everytime i see them.

so a day or two later, i was walking to class and i hadn't really noticed megan walking behind me until he walked up beside me and i was like WOAH, that's kinda creepy megan. and he was like what you're not very aware of your surroundings are you and i was like /sheepish no and he was like haha how are you gonna survive in a zombie apocalypse and i was like iunno get a shotgun and by that time we were kinda parting to go to our dif classes, but he laughed (making people laugh is so great too wow that's like +2 friendship points amiright) and was like how will you find a shotgun in australia and i was like iunno make one?? but anyway we parted ways.

BUT ISN'T THAT SO COOL.

hehe.

it's so great.

also, i went to this thing called relay for life on a saturday at 8pm til sunday 9am and i only had two hours of sleep and did a hella lot of walking. everything hurts yo, but hey, it was for fighting back at cancer so it's worth it. i bought a plant and i saw that this other girl bought a plant so i was like hey, i bought a plant too and she laughed and was like i know aye! how can you resist when they're so cute! and i was like hahaha yeah! and the convo ended there but we had to help pack tents and stuff anyway.

so i talked to maybe 5 people there and made even more friendly acquaintances. it's so amazing. i should put myself out more, but i'm pretty proud of how i'm going so far. it's amazing, honestly.

i also think i became close to one of my close-ish friends - while walking we talked about lots of things - and so yeah. that's really awesome.

everything is really amazing, although i'm not sure what i'm going to do in the holidays now that they've started.

well.

yeah.

OH WAIT. the thing with the hopeless romance and such.

uh, what was i even gonna say about that? maybe i'll talk about it in the next entry but only if i remember it hey. this is long post.

thanks for reading. this is entry 2. have a happiness-filled day!

entry 1

so yeah. blogs are pretty damn spiffy and maybe one day if i don't forget about this blog, i can look back at this and smile and say thank you to myself.

no one will ever read this, anyone i know in real life, at least.

my name is jesse.

i'm a girl. i'm asian. i enjoy companionship, i love smiling, i love a lot of things and i don't hate many things.

i guess you could call me a 'wallflower'.
i don't know what caused this... 'shyness' (or you know, some people call it a 'social disease'), but it's a part of me and it's so hard to change but i want to just... break out of this shyness. i want to get to know people - i want to make friends with these people who seem so amazing.
i'm in year 9 (currently) and i go to this school in australia called smith's hill high.
s...should i write in capitals and proper grammar? aha, this makes me feel more informal so i'll use this okay m'dears?
who am i even addressing with 'm'dears'-

i'll start with year 7.
in year 7 i wasn't actually at smith's hill. i was at this school called keira. was i happy? i wasn't that happy. y'know in primary school it's really cool because you aren't really your own person yet and it's just like-
okay, let me ask you.
do you remember what you did when you were a kid? maybe 3 years old?
you can't remember?
well a lot of people can't remember either.
that feeling- that feeling of not remembering, that's what i have of year 7.
i don't think i felt much at the start of year 7 either.
y'see year 7 was when i left my bestest friends in primary school and i was just so overcome by the idea of separation that i didn't even try to make new friends.
i... guess, i made this bubble around me. maybe not a bubble, maybe a wall. and people tried to help me -
i vaguely remember one girl asking why i don't smile much and i think i just shrugged at her.
i'm sorry to that girl, i'm really sorry ehe.
then i started to make friends with this girl who liked vampire knight (an anime) a hella lot and the day we went to the library to watch it together, my mum told me after school that i was moving to smith's hill.
smith's hill is a selective school - you have to take a test to get into it, and i was on the reserve list.
was i happy?
i don't think so...
i was a bit hesitant, because i just started smiling again.
but i'm glad i chose to go to smith's hill. really glad. it's been so fun but recently i've been caught up with thinking that i'm not even that involved with the school and i've observing what i'm missing and what i could have if i'd been more open at the start.
so year 7 was just me becoming more friendly and smashing down the sadness of separation of my old best friends and smiling more genuinely.

year 8.
now year 8...
i think year  8 was when i made bonds with the friends i have now more stronger, and also when i started feeling lonely.
they say that loneliness can happen in an instance where there are people around you. but just... not with you.
do you get what i mean? iunno if that made sense, aha. forgive me /bows.
year 8... i can't really remember even if it was just a year ago and i remembered year 7 easily.
odd.

anyway, lemme get onto year 9.
/big sigh.
now, year 9...
year 9 is when i got my first crush, i became determined to be more open and make more friends, and realize in more depth that wow people are actually really great if you get to know them. oh, and that i had a bit of a problem with anxiety, and a bit of a problem with the way i was.
i can tell you about my crush but later on. i have hopes that no one i know finds this and yet i want people to kind of find this so that they know that i'm not just that shy girl, and that i want to get to know them and i want to be friends with a lot of them. weird right?
yep.
/sigh.
okay. a few weeks ago---
actually i forgot when i started to feel like this...
but anyway sometime ago, i began to realize that i could do anything.
anything.
you can too.
you can go ahead and kiss someone on the streets (but i don't really suggest this since y'know- sexual harassment / or it could end up greatly like earning a boyfie or girl...fie, but yeah, i uh, i don't suggest it, you can do it but remember that some people don't like to be touched like that), you can go ahead and strip during class or wherever, you can go. ahead. and. be. more. you can be more. you can smile more, you can talk to people you think are cool but never really had the confidence to talk to. you can do absolutely fucking anything.
then i began to think really deeply, i made myself... fired up and sad at the same time.
'all this time, i haven't been taking chances' - i thought to myself. 'i've just been sticking to my own comfort zone and i haven't been putting myself in places where i can make friends but i'd feel uncomfortable - places where there are chances.'
'when those people smiled at me, did i smile back? did i even try to make friends with people who tried to make friends with me? did i even notice people who tried to make friends with me of all people?'
no, no i didn't.

so i thought again.

'now isn't too late.
now is... a bit late, but you can still do it. you can still get to know people you want to get to know.'
the thing is, when i'm older, i don't want to regret things because i was too scared to try and do them.
i don't want to regret things.
i've been making progress though! /INTENSE GLOWING MOMENT OF HAPPINESS
/coughs

y'know at first i was so determined on making friends i looked up wikihows and tips on youtube and omg jesse you weirdo - but they kinda helped. they told me to look up, look proud, look confident more often. they told me to say hi to people i didn't know. they told me to do a lot of things i'm doing right now and i've been happier since the start of the year.
i've made friends with... maybe 5 people. or 6. even if some of them are just friendly acquaintances, it's amazing.
it's amazing.
so i also ran for src representative, and although i didn't get it (yeah i feel sad but i kinda expected not to get it so i'm not as sad as i would've been if i'd hoped and stuff) - i'm so glad i went up in front of the whole year and made a few jokes to get them to laugh, and i'm so glad i took the chance.
i was shaking while i was saying that mini speech, and i was so scared but i'm glad because i put myself out there.
it took... a lot. from a shy girl like me, haha.

so if future me reads this:

are you taking more chances?
are you glad you ran for src in the long run, even if you didn't get it?
are you glad you're trying?
are you doing your best?
are you happy?
thank you.

...

so right now i just want to share my story with people bothering to read.
i want to record my dreams, my wishes, my everything so i don't lose myself kinda thing.
weird?
yeah.
weird.
and if people are experiencing a moment of self-hate because they haven't been taking chances, or if they feel they're too shy and aren't content with themselves, or anything a bit like what i'm feeling then i hope you know that i, jesse, an asian 14-year-old girl from australia the land down under, am hoping that you'll start doing whatever you think you can't because you can (make sure it's ethical tho yo i don't wanna be blamed for creepy things just saiyan').

i'm trying my best right now.
if anyone needs it, you do your best alright? if i can do it, i'm pretty sure you can do it.

this is entry 1. maybe in entry 2 i'll write about my dilemma about having a crush coz it sucks a lot.
no promises tho.
thank you for reading.
have a smile-filled day.