Friday, 13 September 2013

entry 1

so yeah. blogs are pretty damn spiffy and maybe one day if i don't forget about this blog, i can look back at this and smile and say thank you to myself.

no one will ever read this, anyone i know in real life, at least.

my name is jesse.

i'm a girl. i'm asian. i enjoy companionship, i love smiling, i love a lot of things and i don't hate many things.

i guess you could call me a 'wallflower'.
i don't know what caused this... 'shyness' (or you know, some people call it a 'social disease'), but it's a part of me and it's so hard to change but i want to just... break out of this shyness. i want to get to know people - i want to make friends with these people who seem so amazing.
i'm in year 9 (currently) and i go to this school in australia called smith's hill high.
s...should i write in capitals and proper grammar? aha, this makes me feel more informal so i'll use this okay m'dears?
who am i even addressing with 'm'dears'-

i'll start with year 7.
in year 7 i wasn't actually at smith's hill. i was at this school called keira. was i happy? i wasn't that happy. y'know in primary school it's really cool because you aren't really your own person yet and it's just like-
okay, let me ask you.
do you remember what you did when you were a kid? maybe 3 years old?
you can't remember?
well a lot of people can't remember either.
that feeling- that feeling of not remembering, that's what i have of year 7.
i don't think i felt much at the start of year 7 either.
y'see year 7 was when i left my bestest friends in primary school and i was just so overcome by the idea of separation that i didn't even try to make new friends.
i... guess, i made this bubble around me. maybe not a bubble, maybe a wall. and people tried to help me -
i vaguely remember one girl asking why i don't smile much and i think i just shrugged at her.
i'm sorry to that girl, i'm really sorry ehe.
then i started to make friends with this girl who liked vampire knight (an anime) a hella lot and the day we went to the library to watch it together, my mum told me after school that i was moving to smith's hill.
smith's hill is a selective school - you have to take a test to get into it, and i was on the reserve list.
was i happy?
i don't think so...
i was a bit hesitant, because i just started smiling again.
but i'm glad i chose to go to smith's hill. really glad. it's been so fun but recently i've been caught up with thinking that i'm not even that involved with the school and i've observing what i'm missing and what i could have if i'd been more open at the start.
so year 7 was just me becoming more friendly and smashing down the sadness of separation of my old best friends and smiling more genuinely.

year 8.
now year 8...
i think year  8 was when i made bonds with the friends i have now more stronger, and also when i started feeling lonely.
they say that loneliness can happen in an instance where there are people around you. but just... not with you.
do you get what i mean? iunno if that made sense, aha. forgive me /bows.
year 8... i can't really remember even if it was just a year ago and i remembered year 7 easily.

anyway, lemme get onto year 9.
/big sigh.
now, year 9...
year 9 is when i got my first crush, i became determined to be more open and make more friends, and realize in more depth that wow people are actually really great if you get to know them. oh, and that i had a bit of a problem with anxiety, and a bit of a problem with the way i was.
i can tell you about my crush but later on. i have hopes that no one i know finds this and yet i want people to kind of find this so that they know that i'm not just that shy girl, and that i want to get to know them and i want to be friends with a lot of them. weird right?
okay. a few weeks ago---
actually i forgot when i started to feel like this...
but anyway sometime ago, i began to realize that i could do anything.
you can too.
you can go ahead and kiss someone on the streets (but i don't really suggest this since y'know- sexual harassment / or it could end up greatly like earning a boyfie or girl...fie, but yeah, i uh, i don't suggest it, you can do it but remember that some people don't like to be touched like that), you can go ahead and strip during class or wherever, you can go. ahead. and. be. more. you can be more. you can smile more, you can talk to people you think are cool but never really had the confidence to talk to. you can do absolutely fucking anything.
then i began to think really deeply, i made myself... fired up and sad at the same time.
'all this time, i haven't been taking chances' - i thought to myself. 'i've just been sticking to my own comfort zone and i haven't been putting myself in places where i can make friends but i'd feel uncomfortable - places where there are chances.'
'when those people smiled at me, did i smile back? did i even try to make friends with people who tried to make friends with me? did i even notice people who tried to make friends with me of all people?'
no, no i didn't.

so i thought again.

'now isn't too late.
now is... a bit late, but you can still do it. you can still get to know people you want to get to know.'
the thing is, when i'm older, i don't want to regret things because i was too scared to try and do them.
i don't want to regret things.
i've been making progress though! /INTENSE GLOWING MOMENT OF HAPPINESS

y'know at first i was so determined on making friends i looked up wikihows and tips on youtube and omg jesse you weirdo - but they kinda helped. they told me to look up, look proud, look confident more often. they told me to say hi to people i didn't know. they told me to do a lot of things i'm doing right now and i've been happier since the start of the year.
i've made friends with... maybe 5 people. or 6. even if some of them are just friendly acquaintances, it's amazing.
it's amazing.
so i also ran for src representative, and although i didn't get it (yeah i feel sad but i kinda expected not to get it so i'm not as sad as i would've been if i'd hoped and stuff) - i'm so glad i went up in front of the whole year and made a few jokes to get them to laugh, and i'm so glad i took the chance.
i was shaking while i was saying that mini speech, and i was so scared but i'm glad because i put myself out there.
it took... a lot. from a shy girl like me, haha.

so if future me reads this:

are you taking more chances?
are you glad you ran for src in the long run, even if you didn't get it?
are you glad you're trying?
are you doing your best?
are you happy?
thank you.


so right now i just want to share my story with people bothering to read.
i want to record my dreams, my wishes, my everything so i don't lose myself kinda thing.
and if people are experiencing a moment of self-hate because they haven't been taking chances, or if they feel they're too shy and aren't content with themselves, or anything a bit like what i'm feeling then i hope you know that i, jesse, an asian 14-year-old girl from australia the land down under, am hoping that you'll start doing whatever you think you can't because you can (make sure it's ethical tho yo i don't wanna be blamed for creepy things just saiyan').

i'm trying my best right now.
if anyone needs it, you do your best alright? if i can do it, i'm pretty sure you can do it.

this is entry 1. maybe in entry 2 i'll write about my dilemma about having a crush coz it sucks a lot.
no promises tho.
thank you for reading.
have a smile-filled day.

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