entry 2

i'm a hopeless romantic.

seriously.

it really sucks to be me.

there are so many pretty (generally, not just referring to ladies) people in my year. among them there are two that are SUPER, SUPER pretty. like intensely pretty - like 'how even are you that pretty' pretty.

in my spare time, like when i'm having a bath (a good suggestion for baths is using 1/4 cup of honey, it's wonderful promise) or before i go to sleep, i tend to think a lot. i think about could be's and those could be's could be (/snickers) the end of me. y'see, i plan a lot of things. i plan things like - so what should i say to this person, how would they respond, and how will i respond to their response? things like that, and i'm open to if they don't turn out the way i plan because if they don't turn out the way i plan, well, that just means i'm getting the guts to begin the plan in the first place.

lemme tell you a thing.

today is uhm, the second day into the school holidays.

you know what i did on the last day of school?

i went up to this guy.

now, this guy used to be my crush.

i honestly cannot tell if this guy still IS my crush because i do not feel the dokidokis (term meaning: heartbeat) for him, or anyone for that matter. i think. i really, really can't tell and it's annoying me a lot.

so i went up to the guy, and i did not plan a thing when i said 'oh, uhm, yeah this may be a little weird but you seem like a really cool person, do you mind if i talk to you some more?' - okay so maybe i've been thinking of saying this to some people i think are amazing because i'm scared if i'll annoy them - but I JUST. WORD VOMIT. UGH.

to self: this is why you can't have nice things.

his response was a really cute smile and he said something along the lines of 'yeah go ahead' or something but i was too ASDFGHJ to really register it.

fuck.

sorry for the swear.

but anyway. all i wanted to do was say a 'see you and have a good holiday' but no, i just had to say something like that. i think what i had in mind at that moment was 'oh yeah say something memorable geez', but darling jesse, yes that may've been memorable but ALSO REALLY STUPID OF YOU because now he probably thinks you like him (and maybe you kind of do) but really, how stupid can you be when you're not even sure of if you DO like him? i just...

give me a moment of silence to facepalm at my idiocy.

...
...
...

thank you.

fuck.

sorry again.

ugh.

now i just have to hope he kind of forgets about that interaction and i have to act normal. i don't know why i'm overreacting but i'll give you a warning that i am prone to it even if there is no reason to.

i'm just waiting for the holidays to be over so i can act all smooth-talking and suave.

and oh.

back to the thing about the hopeless romantic thing.

wait, first i'll go into more depth about the src thing i mentioned last entry.

so for the src thing you have to make a speech and i vaguely remember saying something about toilet paper for the leisure of people's butts. uhm. yeah. that was on the spur of the moment and i didn't mean to mention the word butt or any synonym to 'butt'. so anyway my friend told me later that day that a guy in our year was talking about it on the bus and he'd voted for me because he thought that mention of the butts was cute.

i was not sure how to react to that, and i told that friend to not tell me anything because it'd raise my hopes (i didn't get it in the end so i'm glad that i didn't get my hopes raised too much) but after the src thing was over, i finally asked her who it was and it was this guy in my year who i kind of... well... avoided (not really, but i can't find the particular word for what i want to say) because i thought he was kind of unreachable and 'too cool' for me, the shy girl. i realize now though that people are actually SO easy to say hello to and they say 'a simple hello can lead to a million things'. so i've stopped trying to think that people are too good for me and stuff and just get out there and try to make friends with them, without annoying them.

it's 12:53am and i need to pee.

sorry 'bout that.

so anyway i began to pay more attention to this guy and recently i've been saying hi to him and i'm pretty proud of saying hello to him /coughs. because he seems like an extremely nice guy and it makes me so so happy that at least someone supposedly voted for me.

uh and let me get something out - HE'S EXTREMELY FUCKING ATTRACTIVE.

sorry. just putting it out there.

but now i really want to become a friend of his because he seems genuinely like a good person.

and i've made more friendly acquaintances! it's so fun making friends, wow.

so i'll tell you about one friendly acquaintance interaction!

i was paired up with this guy, let's call him megan (weird i know, but if i ever look back at this i think i can remember who it is just by that name huehuehue) for this thing for intro drama, along with these two year eights.

it was pretty awkward at first and we had to think of this routine for this cheer, and no one had any ideas until megan suggested one and then i suggested one and then we kinda kept the conversation going so that no one else felt too awkward. let's just say our cheer wasn't as good at the other's but hey, at least we tried. and during that time we had to think of stuff, i remembered when megan was talking to this other guy about this zombie game called the last of us and i was excited about it as well but decided it might be weird for me, especially coz i'm a girl and i guess guys don't really expect girls to be into games, so i didn't say anything. but i brought it up and was like, so hey you have the last of us right? and he was like (I THINK HE WAS PROBABLY KINDA CREEPED OUT SO IF HE EVER SEES THIS WHICH HE PROBS WON'T, I'M SORRY) oh yeah and then we began to talk about the ending and stuff and ellie and joel and stuff and it was great.

we had to stay in our groups for this clowning skit and that was less awkward than the first one and i feel that it was really good, because intro drama requires us to be out there, and less shy and more ourselves - and since we all put in our ideas, i think our clowning skit was pretty damn awesome.

so i took this as an 'okay' to say hi to him and the other people in my group everytime i see them.

so a day or two later, i was walking to class and i hadn't really noticed megan walking behind me until he walked up beside me and i was like WOAH, that's kinda creepy megan. and he was like what you're not very aware of your surroundings are you and i was like /sheepish no and he was like haha how are you gonna survive in a zombie apocalypse and i was like iunno get a shotgun and by that time we were kinda parting to go to our dif classes, but he laughed (making people laugh is so great too wow that's like +2 friendship points amiright) and was like how will you find a shotgun in australia and i was like iunno make one?? but anyway we parted ways.

BUT ISN'T THAT SO COOL.

hehe.

it's so great.

also, i went to this thing called relay for life on a saturday at 8pm til sunday 9am and i only had two hours of sleep and did a hella lot of walking. everything hurts yo, but hey, it was for fighting back at cancer so it's worth it. i bought a plant and i saw that this other girl bought a plant so i was like hey, i bought a plant too and she laughed and was like i know aye! how can you resist when they're so cute! and i was like hahaha yeah! and the convo ended there but we had to help pack tents and stuff anyway.

so i talked to maybe 5 people there and made even more friendly acquaintances. it's so amazing. i should put myself out more, but i'm pretty proud of how i'm going so far. it's amazing, honestly.

i also think i became close to one of my close-ish friends - while walking we talked about lots of things - and so yeah. that's really awesome.

everything is really amazing, although i'm not sure what i'm going to do in the holidays now that they've started.

well.

yeah.

OH WAIT. the thing with the hopeless romance and such.

uh, what was i even gonna say about that? maybe i'll talk about it in the next entry but only if i remember it hey. this is long post.

thanks for reading. this is entry 2. have a happiness-filled day!