entry 3

do you ever just...

maybe this is just me and my own thoughts, but...

do you ever just have that passing thought of; 'and then there's me...'?

this is stupid and i'm over-thinking this but i saw a picture of facebook of two of my classmates - one who is this really popular girl and another of this guy, they were together posing and looking as if they had lots of fun. and of course there were the many comments and more than 25+ likes and it's so stupid but i couldn't help but look at the girl and remember the many times she's been involved with crazy events (mainly guys teasing her and stuff) happening with her, and thinking - 'and then there's me...'.

it's so... hard.

i don't even know why.

i'm really an idiot.

it's funny how humans envy things. god, and it's really annoying. life is such a butt. the real, nice things come like poop - gradually but feeling nice and when finally you're done pooping, you're satisfied until you need to poop again.

wait does that even work---

sorry, that didn't turn out as smoothly as i wanted it to.

/deep sigh.

so, just re-reading what i wrote... what was my point? i don't even know myself.

oh, that's right.

it's just that since it's already been two years or so, people have already made their friendship groups and even if i do try to connect with people and get to know them more it's just... it feels pointless because i'm constantly wondering if they like me, or constantly beating myself up over the fact that i'm so awkward it hurts.

i want to become friends with particular people so much in my year that i end up worrying uselessly over how i'll approach them and when i do approach them i tend to not approach them again because i'm scared they'll think i'm annoying.

i was talking to my friend recently about this, a primary school friend who doesn't go to my highschool, and she was like: well, if you keep thinking you're bad at that kind of thing, when you're actually facing it you'll believe that you're bad when you're really not and you'll ruin it for yourself.

i see her point, i really do. she also said that i wasn't that shy but i don't think she knows it first-hand because she hasn't seen me withdraw into the shell that i have around me. but then she also stated that i was kind of like a turtle, with a shell of... something akin to shyness but on the inside really weird and crazy and lovable. honestly? i just want to show people the... more... extrovert me instead of the introvert exterior.

true friendships can happen similar to the idea of 'clicking' it just does and you don't remember how but it is how it is. it can also happen gradually. right now i can't think of other ways, but maybe there are.

i just...

i'm really...

she told me to just be myself and to say hi to people more and start conversations - and if people were in my class then that's good because you can eventually talk to them more and more until you're friends.

and that's a good plan but what would i talk about with them?

i just.

i really.

let me wallow in self-hate for a moment.

/deep sigh.

at least, recently i've been making a friend, i think.

i realized that facebook was actually a pretty good tool to getting to know people and such - so i began speaking to this guy. let's call him bell. basically during our convo it got to the question that i asked 'do you think you're a shy person?' and he said, 'yeah, i am pretty shy. why?' and i then stated that i was a shy person as well and that the reason i ran for src was to be more approachable to our year and such, and that i wanted to make friends. and then later i kinda hesitantly asked, 'do you think the people in our year would mind if i talked to them more?' and his response made me incredibly happy like i was just smiling at it for a while - it was: 'no! they'd love to get to know you' and still that makes me so happy you can't believe--

uhm, anyway.

it gives me motivation y'know? sorry i was being so negative earlier. i have those moments and you'll probably see more of them, i'm sorry.

if anyone actually reads this, then what are you feeling? can you relate to this? do you pity me? do you think i'm an idiot (don't worry, i do too)? honestly, i want to know.

but yeah.

i should just keep on smiling and doing what i'm doing and stop thinking so much.

thank you for reading. this is entry 3.

may happiness rule your day. also a reminder that smiling is good for your face. so go ahead and do it yo. only if you mean it though.