entry 3

do you ever just...

maybe this is just me and my own thoughts, but...

do you ever just have that passing thought of; 'and then there's me...'?

this is stupid and i'm over-thinking this but i saw a picture of facebook of two of my classmates - one who is this really popular girl and another of this guy, they were together posing and looking as if they had lots of fun. and of course there were the many comments and more than 25+ likes and it's so stupid but i couldn't help but look at the girl and remember the many times she's been involved with crazy events (mainly guys teasing her and stuff) happening with her, and thinking - 'and then there's me...'.

it's so... hard.

i don't even know why.

i'm really an idiot.

it's funny how humans envy things. god, and it's really annoying. life is such a butt. the real, nice things come like poop - gradually but feeling nice and when finally you're done pooping, you're satisfied until you need to poop again.

wait does that even work---

sorry, that didn't turn out as smoothly as i wanted it to.

/deep sigh.

so, just re-reading what i wrote... what was my point? i don't even know myself.

oh, that's right.

it's just that since it's already been two years or so, people have already made their friendship groups and even if i do try to connect with people and get to know them more it's just... it feels pointless because i'm constantly wondering if they like me, or constantly beating myself up over the fact that i'm so awkward it hurts.

i want to become friends with particular people so much in my year that i end up worrying uselessly over how i'll approach them and when i do approach them i tend to not approach them again because i'm scared they'll think i'm annoying.

i was talking to my friend recently about this, a primary school friend who doesn't go to my highschool, and she was like: well, if you keep thinking you're bad at that kind of thing, when you're actually facing it you'll believe that you're bad when you're really not and you'll ruin it for yourself.

i see her point, i really do. she also said that i wasn't that shy but i don't think she knows it first-hand because she hasn't seen me withdraw into the shell that i have around me. but then she also stated that i was kind of like a turtle, with a shell of... something akin to shyness but on the inside really weird and crazy and lovable. honestly? i just want to show people the... more... extrovert me instead of the introvert exterior.

true friendships can happen similar to the idea of 'clicking' it just does and you don't remember how but it is how it is. it can also happen gradually. right now i can't think of other ways, but maybe there are.

i just...

i'm really...

she told me to just be myself and to say hi to people more and start conversations - and if people were in my class then that's good because you can eventually talk to them more and more until you're friends.

and that's a good plan but what would i talk about with them?

i just.

i really.

let me wallow in self-hate for a moment.

/deep sigh.

at least, recently i've been making a friend, i think.

i realized that facebook was actually a pretty good tool to getting to know people and such - so i began speaking to this guy. let's call him bell. basically during our convo it got to the question that i asked 'do you think you're a shy person?' and he said, 'yeah, i am pretty shy. why?' and i then stated that i was a shy person as well and that the reason i ran for src was to be more approachable to our year and such, and that i wanted to make friends. and then later i kinda hesitantly asked, 'do you think the people in our year would mind if i talked to them more?' and his response made me incredibly happy like i was just smiling at it for a while - it was: 'no! they'd love to get to know you' and still that makes me so happy you can't believe--

uhm, anyway.

it gives me motivation y'know? sorry i was being so negative earlier. i have those moments and you'll probably see more of them, i'm sorry.

if anyone actually reads this, then what are you feeling? can you relate to this? do you pity me? do you think i'm an idiot (don't worry, i do too)? honestly, i want to know.

but yeah.

i should just keep on smiling and doing what i'm doing and stop thinking so much.

thank you for reading. this is entry 3.

may happiness rule your day. also a reminder that smiling is good for your face. so go ahead and do it yo. only if you mean it though.

entry 2

i'm a hopeless romantic.

seriously.

it really sucks to be me.

there are so many pretty (generally, not just referring to ladies) people in my year. among them there are two that are SUPER, SUPER pretty. like intensely pretty - like 'how even are you that pretty' pretty.

in my spare time, like when i'm having a bath (a good suggestion for baths is using 1/4 cup of honey, it's wonderful promise) or before i go to sleep, i tend to think a lot. i think about could be's and those could be's could be (/snickers) the end of me. y'see, i plan a lot of things. i plan things like - so what should i say to this person, how would they respond, and how will i respond to their response? things like that, and i'm open to if they don't turn out the way i plan because if they don't turn out the way i plan, well, that just means i'm getting the guts to begin the plan in the first place.

lemme tell you a thing.

today is uhm, the second day into the school holidays.

you know what i did on the last day of school?

i went up to this guy.

now, this guy used to be my crush.

i honestly cannot tell if this guy still IS my crush because i do not feel the dokidokis (term meaning: heartbeat) for him, or anyone for that matter. i think. i really, really can't tell and it's annoying me a lot.

so i went up to the guy, and i did not plan a thing when i said 'oh, uhm, yeah this may be a little weird but you seem like a really cool person, do you mind if i talk to you some more?' - okay so maybe i've been thinking of saying this to some people i think are amazing because i'm scared if i'll annoy them - but I JUST. WORD VOMIT. UGH.

to self: this is why you can't have nice things.

his response was a really cute smile and he said something along the lines of 'yeah go ahead' or something but i was too ASDFGHJ to really register it.

fuck.

sorry for the swear.

but anyway. all i wanted to do was say a 'see you and have a good holiday' but no, i just had to say something like that. i think what i had in mind at that moment was 'oh yeah say something memorable geez', but darling jesse, yes that may've been memorable but ALSO REALLY STUPID OF YOU because now he probably thinks you like him (and maybe you kind of do) but really, how stupid can you be when you're not even sure of if you DO like him? i just...

give me a moment of silence to facepalm at my idiocy.

...
...
...

thank you.

fuck.

sorry again.

ugh.

now i just have to hope he kind of forgets about that interaction and i have to act normal. i don't know why i'm overreacting but i'll give you a warning that i am prone to it even if there is no reason to.

i'm just waiting for the holidays to be over so i can act all smooth-talking and suave.

and oh.

back to the thing about the hopeless romantic thing.

wait, first i'll go into more depth about the src thing i mentioned last entry.

so for the src thing you have to make a speech and i vaguely remember saying something about toilet paper for the leisure of people's butts. uhm. yeah. that was on the spur of the moment and i didn't mean to mention the word butt or any synonym to 'butt'. so anyway my friend told me later that day that a guy in our year was talking about it on the bus and he'd voted for me because he thought that mention of the butts was cute.

i was not sure how to react to that, and i told that friend to not tell me anything because it'd raise my hopes (i didn't get it in the end so i'm glad that i didn't get my hopes raised too much) but after the src thing was over, i finally asked her who it was and it was this guy in my year who i kind of... well... avoided (not really, but i can't find the particular word for what i want to say) because i thought he was kind of unreachable and 'too cool' for me, the shy girl. i realize now though that people are actually SO easy to say hello to and they say 'a simple hello can lead to a million things'. so i've stopped trying to think that people are too good for me and stuff and just get out there and try to make friends with them, without annoying them.

it's 12:53am and i need to pee.

sorry 'bout that.

so anyway i began to pay more attention to this guy and recently i've been saying hi to him and i'm pretty proud of saying hello to him /coughs. because he seems like an extremely nice guy and it makes me so so happy that at least someone supposedly voted for me.

uh and let me get something out - HE'S EXTREMELY FUCKING ATTRACTIVE.

sorry. just putting it out there.

but now i really want to become a friend of his because he seems genuinely like a good person.

and i've made more friendly acquaintances! it's so fun making friends, wow.

so i'll tell you about one friendly acquaintance interaction!

i was paired up with this guy, let's call him megan (weird i know, but if i ever look back at this i think i can remember who it is just by that name huehuehue) for this thing for intro drama, along with these two year eights.

it was pretty awkward at first and we had to think of this routine for this cheer, and no one had any ideas until megan suggested one and then i suggested one and then we kinda kept the conversation going so that no one else felt too awkward. let's just say our cheer wasn't as good at the other's but hey, at least we tried. and during that time we had to think of stuff, i remembered when megan was talking to this other guy about this zombie game called the last of us and i was excited about it as well but decided it might be weird for me, especially coz i'm a girl and i guess guys don't really expect girls to be into games, so i didn't say anything. but i brought it up and was like, so hey you have the last of us right? and he was like (I THINK HE WAS PROBABLY KINDA CREEPED OUT SO IF HE EVER SEES THIS WHICH HE PROBS WON'T, I'M SORRY) oh yeah and then we began to talk about the ending and stuff and ellie and joel and stuff and it was great.

we had to stay in our groups for this clowning skit and that was less awkward than the first one and i feel that it was really good, because intro drama requires us to be out there, and less shy and more ourselves - and since we all put in our ideas, i think our clowning skit was pretty damn awesome.

so i took this as an 'okay' to say hi to him and the other people in my group everytime i see them.

so a day or two later, i was walking to class and i hadn't really noticed megan walking behind me until he walked up beside me and i was like WOAH, that's kinda creepy megan. and he was like what you're not very aware of your surroundings are you and i was like /sheepish no and he was like haha how are you gonna survive in a zombie apocalypse and i was like iunno get a shotgun and by that time we were kinda parting to go to our dif classes, but he laughed (making people laugh is so great too wow that's like +2 friendship points amiright) and was like how will you find a shotgun in australia and i was like iunno make one?? but anyway we parted ways.

BUT ISN'T THAT SO COOL.

hehe.

it's so great.

also, i went to this thing called relay for life on a saturday at 8pm til sunday 9am and i only had two hours of sleep and did a hella lot of walking. everything hurts yo, but hey, it was for fighting back at cancer so it's worth it. i bought a plant and i saw that this other girl bought a plant so i was like hey, i bought a plant too and she laughed and was like i know aye! how can you resist when they're so cute! and i was like hahaha yeah! and the convo ended there but we had to help pack tents and stuff anyway.

so i talked to maybe 5 people there and made even more friendly acquaintances. it's so amazing. i should put myself out more, but i'm pretty proud of how i'm going so far. it's amazing, honestly.

i also think i became close to one of my close-ish friends - while walking we talked about lots of things - and so yeah. that's really awesome.

everything is really amazing, although i'm not sure what i'm going to do in the holidays now that they've started.

well.

yeah.

OH WAIT. the thing with the hopeless romance and such.

uh, what was i even gonna say about that? maybe i'll talk about it in the next entry but only if i remember it hey. this is long post.

thanks for reading. this is entry 2. have a happiness-filled day!

entry 1

so yeah. blogs are pretty damn spiffy and maybe one day if i don't forget about this blog, i can look back at this and smile and say thank you to myself.

no one will ever read this, anyone i know in real life, at least.

my name is jesse.

i'm a girl. i'm asian. i enjoy companionship, i love smiling, i love a lot of things and i don't hate many things.

i guess you could call me a 'wallflower'.
i don't know what caused this... 'shyness' (or you know, some people call it a 'social disease'), but it's a part of me and it's so hard to change but i want to just... break out of this shyness. i want to get to know people - i want to make friends with these people who seem so amazing.
i'm in year 9 (currently) and i go to this school in australia called smith's hill high.
s...should i write in capitals and proper grammar? aha, this makes me feel more informal so i'll use this okay m'dears?
who am i even addressing with 'm'dears'-

i'll start with year 7.
in year 7 i wasn't actually at smith's hill. i was at this school called keira. was i happy? i wasn't that happy. y'know in primary school it's really cool because you aren't really your own person yet and it's just like-
okay, let me ask you.
do you remember what you did when you were a kid? maybe 3 years old?
you can't remember?
well a lot of people can't remember either.
that feeling- that feeling of not remembering, that's what i have of year 7.
i don't think i felt much at the start of year 7 either.
y'see year 7 was when i left my bestest friends in primary school and i was just so overcome by the idea of separation that i didn't even try to make new friends.
i... guess, i made this bubble around me. maybe not a bubble, maybe a wall. and people tried to help me -
i vaguely remember one girl asking why i don't smile much and i think i just shrugged at her.
i'm sorry to that girl, i'm really sorry ehe.
then i started to make friends with this girl who liked vampire knight (an anime) a hella lot and the day we went to the library to watch it together, my mum told me after school that i was moving to smith's hill.
smith's hill is a selective school - you have to take a test to get into it, and i was on the reserve list.
was i happy?
i don't think so...
i was a bit hesitant, because i just started smiling again.
but i'm glad i chose to go to smith's hill. really glad. it's been so fun but recently i've been caught up with thinking that i'm not even that involved with the school and i've observing what i'm missing and what i could have if i'd been more open at the start.
so year 7 was just me becoming more friendly and smashing down the sadness of separation of my old best friends and smiling more genuinely.

year 8.
now year 8...
i think year  8 was when i made bonds with the friends i have now more stronger, and also when i started feeling lonely.
they say that loneliness can happen in an instance where there are people around you. but just... not with you.
do you get what i mean? iunno if that made sense, aha. forgive me /bows.
year 8... i can't really remember even if it was just a year ago and i remembered year 7 easily.
odd.

anyway, lemme get onto year 9.
/big sigh.
now, year 9...
year 9 is when i got my first crush, i became determined to be more open and make more friends, and realize in more depth that wow people are actually really great if you get to know them. oh, and that i had a bit of a problem with anxiety, and a bit of a problem with the way i was.
i can tell you about my crush but later on. i have hopes that no one i know finds this and yet i want people to kind of find this so that they know that i'm not just that shy girl, and that i want to get to know them and i want to be friends with a lot of them. weird right?
yep.
/sigh.
okay. a few weeks ago---
actually i forgot when i started to feel like this...
but anyway sometime ago, i began to realize that i could do anything.
anything.
you can too.
you can go ahead and kiss someone on the streets (but i don't really suggest this since y'know- sexual harassment / or it could end up greatly like earning a boyfie or girl...fie, but yeah, i uh, i don't suggest it, you can do it but remember that some people don't like to be touched like that), you can go ahead and strip during class or wherever, you can go. ahead. and. be. more. you can be more. you can smile more, you can talk to people you think are cool but never really had the confidence to talk to. you can do absolutely fucking anything.
then i began to think really deeply, i made myself... fired up and sad at the same time.
'all this time, i haven't been taking chances' - i thought to myself. 'i've just been sticking to my own comfort zone and i haven't been putting myself in places where i can make friends but i'd feel uncomfortable - places where there are chances.'
'when those people smiled at me, did i smile back? did i even try to make friends with people who tried to make friends with me? did i even notice people who tried to make friends with me of all people?'
no, no i didn't.

so i thought again.

'now isn't too late.
now is... a bit late, but you can still do it. you can still get to know people you want to get to know.'
the thing is, when i'm older, i don't want to regret things because i was too scared to try and do them.
i don't want to regret things.
i've been making progress though! /INTENSE GLOWING MOMENT OF HAPPINESS
/coughs

y'know at first i was so determined on making friends i looked up wikihows and tips on youtube and omg jesse you weirdo - but they kinda helped. they told me to look up, look proud, look confident more often. they told me to say hi to people i didn't know. they told me to do a lot of things i'm doing right now and i've been happier since the start of the year.
i've made friends with... maybe 5 people. or 6. even if some of them are just friendly acquaintances, it's amazing.
it's amazing.
so i also ran for src representative, and although i didn't get it (yeah i feel sad but i kinda expected not to get it so i'm not as sad as i would've been if i'd hoped and stuff) - i'm so glad i went up in front of the whole year and made a few jokes to get them to laugh, and i'm so glad i took the chance.
i was shaking while i was saying that mini speech, and i was so scared but i'm glad because i put myself out there.
it took... a lot. from a shy girl like me, haha.

so if future me reads this:

are you taking more chances?
are you glad you ran for src in the long run, even if you didn't get it?
are you glad you're trying?
are you doing your best?
are you happy?
thank you.

...

so right now i just want to share my story with people bothering to read.
i want to record my dreams, my wishes, my everything so i don't lose myself kinda thing.
weird?
yeah.
weird.
and if people are experiencing a moment of self-hate because they haven't been taking chances, or if they feel they're too shy and aren't content with themselves, or anything a bit like what i'm feeling then i hope you know that i, jesse, an asian 14-year-old girl from australia the land down under, am hoping that you'll start doing whatever you think you can't because you can (make sure it's ethical tho yo i don't wanna be blamed for creepy things just saiyan').

i'm trying my best right now.
if anyone needs it, you do your best alright? if i can do it, i'm pretty sure you can do it.

this is entry 1. maybe in entry 2 i'll write about my dilemma about having a crush coz it sucks a lot.
no promises tho.
thank you for reading.
have a smile-filled day.