entry 10

so my friend confessed to her senpai today.

she's really brave. wonderfully brave. she got rejected, but... i think it's awesome how she went and did that. she's such a cutie. she says that she just wants to get to know him a hella lot more and that's really wonderful so in these short words i'm wishing her amazing luck because if anything, when you fall into the liking trap and come out crawling all battered and broken it's like nOPE COME AT ME MOFO BECAUSE I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT A REWARD kind of thing but i guess not all things happen like that. at the very least, i'm really cheering for her. wish her good luck, any invisible readers of mine.

also, i don't think i mentioned that on the monday after that friday when canoe guy did the thing (in reference to the last post), that i was waiting for my teacher to come to class and it was in the hallways and he passed by but when he did we met eyes and he nodded to me and smiled and dear lord that was a really, really nice feeling /deep sigh and i smiled and nodded back and that made my damn day and i am pretty scared of that. i'm scared of the little things that's been making me happy and the little things that make me so insecure and scared it's just--- it's just really... different and scary and i don't like it because, well, canoe guy and shy girl don't mix.

seriously right now i'm so done with this big ball of feels because jfc why is life when people can think about you so much and you wouldn't even know--?

so this stage is called 'puppy love' i'm pretty sure /nodnod. luckily it'll pass and i'll be free yo.

because right now i'm noticing the smallest of things like when he smiles and then bam happiness hits you like a llama spits on you and then he talks to a girl and i guess it's some weird kind of jealousy where it's a sudden reminder that i'm not adequate, kind of thing. teenager insecurities, what can i say? it makes me want to talk to him more and funny because i know the basic outline of his personality but because i do i just imagine ''future'' conversations with the dude and try to start conversations but end up hesitating and it just makes me want to get to know him so much more because he genuinely seems like a good person and a good friend and i just--

/flips table. my imagination is great as a writer but it'll be my downfall as a victim of puppy love.

my friend got me thinking though - if i'd ever confess to this canoe guy and my answer to that is yes because i think, liking someone is such a beautiful thing (loving someone is even more beautiful) and that because i'm such a romantic i would want them to know. a confession of mine would probably be really weird because i'd be fangirling to them about themselves-- yeah.

iunno, at least it'd make their day?

goddayum i have no idea. i just think it's worth the victim of the liking knowing. i just don't want it to get so blown up because these things do and it's pretty stupid.

so in the meantime, i'm... pretty happy with myself because i've been talking to more people. one of my friends, claire, is really awesome. me and her really unite as shy people and that's super spiffy, huehue. i'm glad because we talked about the victims of our life recently and i expressed the what i practically wrote above and how i was done with liking this guy because i say hi and stuff but i'm just pondering about the point, and what she said was that if someone said hi to you often, they'd seem more approachable and i kind of got knocked out of that train of thought because i remembered one of the most awesome quotes of all time 'a simple hello can lead to a million things'. i really feel for her though because she's liked this guy for two years and she confessed to him about two years ago and he rejected her-- but she still liked him and she said she'd confess to him for the final time around this yea. that's really good for her because i think, if she just lets him know then not only would he be awkward but he'd be happy and flattered  - i can bet you he will - but she might be able to get over him no matter how hard that is and she'd be satisfied if she knew that the fact she liked him made his day, because i think it'd make anyone's day, having a cutie confess to you.

sometimes i get these moods where i'm really up myself and just like 'yeah u know what canoe guy, you're lucky i like you' but then i'm like 'okay no you're not because there's probably other popular and beautiful girls out there who like you as well so... yeah my feelings aren't that special probably' /sigh. being a teenager is weird.

i went to the gym on thursday (it's friday today) and then i went to squash with my bro and i was already feeling tired because of basketball on wednesday but then today i went rollerskating and holy crepes everything hurts it's not even funny like my butt feels like it'll combust sometime if i tense it or if i'm trying to take a dump so yeah. life. well i guess it's a good feeling but it's not because y'know how you feel good but exhausted after exercising? well this is like 3x the exhaustion bit.

also, i'm auditioning for the illawarra performing ensemble! it's... gonna be nerve-wracking but i hope i do well. i have to practice. it's on the 15th of december, so yeah, i have some time.

also recently i released a ladybug into the wild and it was gr8 ((so inspirational wow)).

so friends, this is entry 10!

have a wonderful day because everyone deserves a day full of smiles and all that jazz. reminder to sit up straight darlings.

entry 9

so turns out we moved seats on friday /sobs. iunno since that was the last lesson i was planning to be all like 'you were a good seating plan partner' or SOMETHING LIKE THAT OKAY DON'T JUDGE ASDFG but yeah. i had to sit next to that guy again and ehhh, he's... he's okay but i'mma just say this one more time (have i ever said it before?): i swear he judges me and how i answer my questions because i suck at maths and it just so happens that he does not.

i'm a bit of an idiot.

y'know i thought i was over canoe guy.

but then there's those times where i keep seeing him around school and whenever i do there's these times where i just pause and for some reason there's this deep breath and oh god i'm getting all cheesy jfc-

/sigh.

so then i decided i should say hi to him whenever i see him.

there was this time when he was walking in front of me and i kind of just clutched my laptop bag and i was about to call out his name but then his friends - those popular/renowned as 'jerks' guys came up and were all like 'yOOO' so i became a hella lot more hesitant so i didn't end up saying anything and just went my way, past them.

and then every other time i just got really... anxious and scared -- i don't know why, but i did. so i didn't really say anything to him those times.

but a few days ago!

on friday (it's sunday now), at the end of school we have the same class - english - together and y'see, he walks the way i walk. i was walking with my friend amy and we kind of talked a bit but i think i was too distracted (for some reason) to really listen to what she was saying (i'm sorry /sobs) but all i wanted was to just say hello to him because i hadn't before and it was odd because he was in front of us right, but he was always looking back for some reason? and i kind of met his eyes a couple of times but just looked away because i am quite the awkward turtle- but anyway, i kind of parted from amy (I AM SERIOUSLY THE WORST PERSON EVER) because of this mini crowd of people and i caught up to canoe guy and called out his name -

and he tilted his head really cutely UGH and i was like 'see ya!' and he grinned oh god what a dork and it was such a cute smile like what are you doing no don't do that ughghghgh but basically he was like 'bye' and i nodded and i was about to turn around and then he said 'have a good weekend' and SDFGHJKL I DID NOT EXPECT THAT SO I KINDA JUST PERKED UP AND WAS LIKE 'yoU TOO' ASDFGHJ

/deep sigh

but honestly it made my day and it really sucks.

man i feel like i'm turning this blog into a huge ball of cheese.

anyway.

have a good day cuties! reminder to sit up straight, this is entry 9 yo.

entry 8

so we're moving back to our old seats next monday. /sigh. i also have a test on that day. i'm definitely not looking forward to next week, especially because i have to perform this thing on tuesday in drama. it's about a puppet, a puppeteer and a free doll. it's puntacular yo /snickers.

seriously there's like some lines we thought up saying 'well get your act together' or 'i'll help you, no strings attached' or 'better start russian (because the free doll is russian)' and lots more.

i got back from basketball just then.

it's really the best feeling when you get score a hoop (even though this time i didn't -- but i stole the ball from a girl ahh and it was awesome) and i'm super embarassing because when we score a goal i let out this woop of joy and it's usually really loud and squeaky /hides.

there's my friend kate and she's SUPER GOOD at basketball so she's like my role model huehuehue i have to take tips from her

so after basketball i went shopping with my mum and we went to this section in woolworths where they sell all types of meat and cheese and olives and such and basically you have to get a number to line up (sometimes, if there's not many people there you don't have to) but today my mum was gonna buy some cheese so she just stopped in front of these bunch of people to take a number and she was just standing there for a while and because i was following her i was like to her-

'mUM' and she was like 'yis dearie???'

and i was like 'we're kinda like blocking the way'

and she was like 'wut'

so in this kind of 'so done with u' voice i was like 'we'RE BLOCKING THE WAY'

and she was like 'OH'

BUT THE BOY BEHIND US

THE BOY BEHIND US

I HEARD HIM LAUGH AND IT WAS

it was really cute

made my day
kind of
iunno, making some random laugh
that's darn awesome
the fact he was pretty damn cute was a bonus

also today i did this thing at school, making rice paper rolls. it was fun. i saw canoe guy in the class we were kinda interrupting. i... wanted to say hi to him but i failed like i have been for many days. i feel like i want to talk to him but ugh, i don't know. i feel like...


/sighs.

yeah.

i'm just going to...

/sigh.

this is entry 8. have an awesome day, readers (if there are any).

entry 7

ladybugs are now really awesome in my eyes.

not that they weren't before, but they kind of increased in their awesomeness level.

so yesterday in maths, will somehow acquired a ladybug, and named it seaweed. seaweed was an odd ladybug because she basically just walked around his book for a while and then settled on the spine (a bunch of plastic rings) either cleaning herself, or pooping.

we had to finish off some homework in this textbook we were sharing, and i kind of just whizzed through mostly because i had no idea how to answer some, so i was just left sitting there and staring at the questions i couldn't answer (what's cool is that during the actual class time where our teacher doesn't leave us to just finish homework, is that will helped me in some questions and that was really nice of him so ye). so seaweed began annoying will (it was pretty funny (to me), i was like 'looks like seaweed is... bUGGING you... and he was like haaaa /shakes head) and he passed it on to arianna (my friend sitting in front of me), but after a while she got sick of it as well so she passed it back and i took seaweed from him. at first seaweed was on my finger just chillin' and doing that mysterious action of either pooping or cleaning herself (OKAY I LOOKED UP LADYBUG POOP JUST THEN AND LUCKILY IT DIDN'T POOP ON ME OR I WOULD'VE NOTICED ASDFGH) and then i just watched her on my finger because she was seriously just staying still and i was beginning to wonder if she was like laying eggs on me so i kinda freaked out and put her on my pen. she stayed there for a while and i could kinda tired of just holding my pen up so carefully i laid her in the middle of the textbook me and will were sharing, and just watched her for a bit.

that's when will finished doing his work and he was like 'okay so i'm just gonna close the text book for a while' and made the motion of closing the textbook and right then and there i made this really weird noise of 'KEEee' and stopped him from closing it and we just kinda looked at each other for a moment and he laughed and was like 'i wasn't actually gonna close it' and mimicked my sound and i was like jfc that was uncalled for and yeah it was really cool i felt like we were bonding /hides.

so then after that we decided to release seaweed into the wild after class, and basically seaweed was just stationary on my pen so while we packed up our things i just held the pen and talked to my friend arianna.

will packed up and got his bag and kind of left the classroom to talk to his other friends and stuff so i just kinda was like oh kay... so what should i do with seaweed-

and arianna was like did will just leave you with his child

and i was like yup

but as i was walking out of the classroom will was kinda just waiting for me and was like 'jesse, let's go and release... her' and i was like :DDD okay friend (yes i was pretty happy he waited coz that's pretty damn cool) and we went out and released seaweed into these pretty bushes.

that was kind of the end of that and will and arianna were walking the same way while i was going the opposite so we said our farewells until i kind of remembered that i left my laptop so i kinda turned back really hurriedly and then i saw will walking behind me and i think he was gonna say something but i was like i fORGOT MY LAPTOP NO and while i was running i heard him laughing (so i think we parted on fairly good terms and that's awesome). man this is so cool i feel like i'm making progress. recently with the other areas such as src guy and canoe guy and friend-making in the other classes i haven't been going places (especially with the speech because my teacher ended up saying it was highly engaging but she wasn't sure the topic was really clear and that it was more like a personal confession to the class (and i was like ha...ha... /sobs out of embarrassment UGH) but ye) so i feel better thinking back aha.

i was just thinking along the lines of 'beCOME FRIEND WITH WILL like maybe good friend' but i feel like whenever i hope for things such as that i get too hesitant so i just figured 'don't think, just do' kind of thing. i'm kinda sad because when hsc is over we have to go back to our old classroom and then i probably won't be able to sit next to will any more (because sure we talk now but i doubt there'd be much talking if the situations were different, y'feel me?) /sigh he's cool and i think we're friends. well, at the very least - it'd be nice y'know? maths is actually quite fun recently so i look forward to it now, which is a huge thing for me because maths usually promises awkwardness and anxiety when answering questions the teacher asks.

also recently i've been more acquaintance-y with this girl (let's call her cushion) and it's cool. she's really nice and i wouldn't mind getting to know her more.

also halloween was pretty damn cool i went trick or treating for the first time two days ago with my friends guy, amy, chanse and amy's sisters. next year i want to do it again hehe. people are so nice, giving out candy wow. i dressed up in a kimono and did something weird with just eyeshadow (i have no idea about make up don't even ask) and it looked really creepy so i did good LOL.

have a good day everyone! eat some spoopy cupcakes while halloween lasts and make sure to sit up straight and i hope happiness is bountiful wherever you are.

thanks for reading this is entry 7 yo.