entry 37

it's 9:57am and i will start studying in half an hour! promise!

so it's been quite some time! i think it's very interesting to see how i've begun making entries less and less while becoming more and more preoccupied with life and the interesting/amazing/sometimes stressful things that are going, such as the HSC, i've literally only made one previous entry this year and that's crazy!

firstly... let me just list a bunch of things that i should talk about in terms of where my current mental state + ambitions are at --

1 > family
2 > dreams for life // views on studying? university? the changes to come?
3 > school life
4 > poetry
5 > little goals that may or may not be achieved

---

ok idk when I started that draft but let's see if I can continue where I left out lolol it's 2:38pm right now and the date is hopefully the date I will publish this draft on :)))

my buddy, how life has changed.

firstly, this leads into #4 listed up there but I did eng ext 2 as part of my HSC course (which now I can legit say it is OVER and I made it through and everyone else who did should feel proud of themselves and give themselves a good, wholesome rest!), and my major work was a suite of poems. i'm not sure if I wrote about this in a past entry but those poems were detailing the actions of those around me and how they impacted on the person I am today. if I can still recall correctly there were 5 poems, centring on family, friends, my brother, my teacher and myself. i'd kind of like to post the poems here but they're really long! but anyway the first was the heaviest because it was a mixture of my feelings at the time of the previous blog posts about the whole situation with my parents and their impact on me. but as such, everything passes and it's only natural that you either come to terms with experiences or at least learn things from them and I think i'm able to say that I've done both, perhaps.

my conclusions from the past entries have been this:

1. it's not like I've forgiven my dad for the things he did. I don't respect what he did nor how he fails to apologise for it. but I respect him because a lot of my opportunities and pleasures in life could have been lost if he had decided to leave my mum and my brother back when I wasn't yet born. because of my dad I've been able to make memories I wouldn't have, I have been able to go to places and do things I wouldn't have been able to do without his support. and unlike the figure I portray in the poetry with a "mouth cured by salt", the lone fisherman that spends too much time on a screen rather than addressing those real life issues-- dad is unmistakably human and although mistakes hurt, people can still heal and people can come to make do with what their circumstances have given them. I kind of feel like I'm rambling but my main point is, is that if I had a longer time period to finish that suite of poems the first poem about family would not be ending with this:

"By now the pain is long gone,
and so is that daughter.
She has grown different now,
though she used to be mine,
and by extension yours,
she is different now.

No longer a princess,
still spoiled a lot,
but with a sword in her hand
she knows what she's got.

And what she doesn't."

Or maybe it would end the same, at least with that conclusive tone. But I think the portrayal of the people in that poem would be different and more fleshed out. It's weird, y'know? For all the struggles and moments of spite, I love all of my family pretty much beyond words. I find it very easy to communicate my affection for my friends, SO easily, because I know that we only have a limited time together, but I find that with my family it can be so hard for some reason. I think it's probably because there is that part of my that takes them for granted and therefore it's very easy to see all the faults in one another. But I guess, thanks to my dream of wanting to go to Japan and all the experiences I've had this year with realisations of impermanence, I want to say that I've become more perceptive to the things that I should be grateful towards. I actually really love my mum and dad and seeing them happy makes me so happy I could cry (i'm a crybaby after all). It's because I know how hard they work to support me and I know I'm asking a lot from them and that I'm really lucky to be living like I am. I really treasure seeing them happy, so it kind of hurts me to think that in my journey towards achieving my dream, I am impacting on them and how they can live in the future. I want to be able to provide for myself, so I am hoping to get a job very soon (since it's the end of HSC).

To give more info, I got a 65% scholarship to go study in Japan next year and that's always been my dream. 65% because it's a tuition reduction scholarship covering the years I'll be studying there e.g 4, and while obviously the higher the better, it's actually fair enough considering how I am from a developed country and that's honestly quite a bit of money anyway to be reduced from all the fees. btw sorry if my writing is weird and there's caps and suddenly no caps and no grammar, it's because I usually write without proper grammar usage but i'm on my laptop so it automatically corrects things lol.

ANYWAY TO QUICKLY SUM UP EVERYTHING I WANTED TO GO THRU W/ #1 on the list: only recently it's struck me how important family can be. actually i'll tell u an anecdote. so basically the other day I was making pork floss with my dad because he was like 'u should see how much time this takes' and I was like 'well ok I'm finished with exams now so I can help :D' and so my eyes were opened actually to how much effort and time it took! and you know, I've always found it hard to talk with my dad. or I guess not really hard so to say but I never really made much of an effort to talk to him much because I was always afraid it would spiral into the direction of him saying something i'd disagree with and then both of us ending up in a bad mood. but the other day I asked him about his childhood because i'd heard from mum that his family used to own a restaurant. so dad told me about his father and how his father owned a restaurant but died due to a mosquito bite when dad was really young, and so his mum and the rest of his siblings had to work really hard in order to make money. so his mum made pork floss often and dad helped and they sold food to make a living. it makes sense because pork floss is dried meat and essentially should last for a long time.

you know a similar story is my mum's childhood. mum sometimes gets into a nostalgic mood and ends up telling me stories and she told me about how living in poverty was for her as a kid with her family, and how her mother often went around to the neighbours to ask for rice but the neighbours shut them out because they had to think about their own families. she told me how her mother used to buy one fish and they had to share it between I think 6 kids? and how more often than not they simply ate rice with diluted coffee to flavour it.

it struck me how different lives can be, how really, really different they can be. and although there's the saying money can't buy happiness, it really can. it's SO important in this world, so SO important in giving opportunities and paving way for happiness. but also, it's because money is so important that we should savour the things we already have such as the people around us.

so yeah. sum of point #1 is i'm grateful for family and I really want to be able to give back to my parents when I have a job later on in life. I want them to experience the beauty of japan as I have. I want to do them proud.

as for #2 I feel like I don't have much to say on that right now except now that I've gotten the scholarship I have a basis to work off for paying for the rest of the fees such as living costs/the 35% tuition/etc. and that there's a lot of prep to do in order to officially enrol such as submitting heaps of documents and getting a student visa and all and honestly that process is so intimidating haha I admittedly lost sleep last night thinking about it and how i'm scared and anxious about the things that could go wrong such as missing deadlines and ending up losing the scholarship. i'm scared to be happy because I still need to take steps in order to ensure that the dream that is so close can fully be achieved. so i'll save my happiness for the day I meet the deadlines. that means i'll make another post in February 2017 which is the last deadline for document submission/enrolment fees. wish me luck? haha

#3 (school life) has ended,,, uhh not much to say about that too except I know i'll miss high school. and thank you for the memories.

#4!!! so I've gotten into poetry thanks to ext eng 2!!! :D I think it's been quite an eye opener to me as a person and to the things I like about other people and random things in life. well firstly i feel things so intensely lol and i like to be able to write about the feelings i get from my experiences because it sort of immortalises that in writing and acts as a reminder. i love that. i also like other people who can feel things intensely, as in, people who are passionate. i love people who can  find such beauty in small things. i love people who get lost talking about the things they love. it's so beautiful to feel things intensely and to be passionate. yeah! so sometimes when i'm listening to Claire play the piano or just meditating at home or just listening to music or just day to day things, i get into this poetry mood and it feels really good when that happens. i don't know how to explain 'good' but maybe one day i'll write a poem about that :) I've been compiling docs of draft poems so maybe when i refine some of them or maybe if i just get the time, i'll post them on here :) :D

aaaand as for #5... i have a lot of little goals !!!!

long term is:
> get REALLY fit and get good at dancing
> get good at cooking and compile a recipe book of home recipes to bring to japan
> learn the ukulele/practice
> learn how to do make-up!
> keep learning Japanese
> learn korean

short term is:
- get a mini telescope for STAR GAZING !!!!!! !!!!
- get more clothes if possible??
- do vlogging!!! get a camera in time for japan!!

and i may add to these goals over time!! :D

so yeah!!!

here is my update which also signals the end of high school and the beginning of my future and awesome things (i hope).

as always, thank you for reading :D it's weird to look back on all my past entries and i'm fearful that i will one day and that everything will be cringe worthy lol but at least know that i won't change a thing about them lol,,,

stay safe, healthy and happy readers :DD <3

- jesse

entry 35

[low key screaming]

i'm really tired man
came back from an AWESOME camping trip today but basically we swam so much and body-boarding is actually so fun and i've come to appreciate the safety of lit roads and stable ground after walking to 海's house at 9pm and coming back down a cliff and feeling like a baby deer the whole way squatting and tightly sweatily gripping 海's offered hand and arriving back at the campsite at 11

save me from hell

ummm so on another note

things have been hectic, i guess

even just now, writing it up here like this makes me tired but not in that physical way /sigh

i guess i'll start from the start seeing as i'll have to as i haven't posted anything about it here or really, anything at all on here, in ages

so it began probably the day before i went to the doctors one day with a container of oatmeal at the ready for morning travels because i'm dedicated to my oatmeal

but the night before there was some kind of fight between my parents just over something really silly like it usually is and in the car on the way to the doctors my mum was the driver and she as always after these kind of things she was like, "do u see how he treats me jesse??' and i was like yea....... but like usually what i used to say was "all you have to do is just like talk to him??? try not to rise to his anger and just talk calmly???" because the fault lies in both in that they allow things to escalate so much with their words

and then mum kind of shut up and after a while she told me this thing that was perfect in time for module a of exams with english - 'discovery'

iunno man trigger alert if ur having family issues or something or you just don't really want to deal with this kind of stuff but i learnt that my dad cheated on my mum and left the family when bro was 5 and it still feels like to me that i make a big deal out of it sometimes but on the other hand the interaction between my mum and my dad affect me and my brother a great deal so maybe i'm justified

but basically when i found that out i was just so disappointed

of course my mum was like 'yeah but if there's one thing i can't fault him for it's him trying to provide for you and joey so don't get angry at ur dad u have to stay the same' and i was like :////  [angst intensifies] and iunno i just felt kinda :/ especially because like i can see how mum probably can't bring herself to try and communicate with dad when he never made the effort for her

i don't really know how her complaints went in full chronological order but they just made me so sad and angry at dad, and she also confided in me one of the things that dad said to her about having a 'second daughter' with that woman he cheated on before, and apparently he said this to her during this time when -- i don't think i ever mentioned it here? it's all a blur to me because i don't know it was a bad time --- but i used to like, scratch myself? they weren't full cuts but i used to try to injure myself and during that time apparently my mum and dad had a big fight and one thing i remember was crying in front of our christmas tree and mum leaving for work angrily and dad gone and joey coming in to try and cheer me up and saying something akin to 'if you think dad will care about what you're doing you're wrong, you just need to show him you're not affected'

but anyway dad said that he didn't care what happened to me if i killed myself or whatnot because he had a second daughter anyway

and mum said she couldn't forgive him for that

so in that car ride to the doctors i was just kind of like haha oh because i guess it just forced me to see things in a different perspective like 'ah that's why bro said that to me' and i began to really just :/ at my dad

i found that i still was grateful for everything that dad has done for me

but those actions of his do not justify the abuse that has constantly appeared through other actions

so in that fight that mum and dad had, i was fighting with dad - he asked me to take out the bins and i said i'd do it later because i was busy doing homework and he just got super angry and went on the argument that i never did anything for him and such and then he went and took out the bins himself and imo became really petty like a few days into the week my light stopped working and i was acting normally around dad, he was ignoring me and i asked for a new light and he said to go find one myself and i was like ok and tried to but couldn't find one and he was like oh well you're going to have to deal and i was like ok lol i'll do hw in joey's room instead

and then i was at my computer one day after the whole shenanigans of learning about the whole 'secret' and stuff, he like went up to me and was pretty ok and his reasoning for being angry that i hadn't taken out the bins was that we have some shady neighbours and going out in daylight is safer than at night and sure ok, i said sorry and that i'd keep that in mind next time but also that he should be understanding when i have homework and don't want to be disturbed

and then he just replied with that argument like no it only takes like 10 minutes just do it and got angry again and like exited the room

and i was like .......... and then i went out and just confronted him and was like yeah well i'm upset about another thing, i know that you cheated on mum

and he was like -silence- that's none of your business that's only between me and her

and i was like no it is my business because you're my dad and what you do affects everyone in the family

and then he got really defensive and was going like what do you want me to do??? kill myself??? don't worry i know you hate me i'll go live somewhere else soon anyway

and i was like ??????? ummmmmm how about saying sorry to mum?? i don't hate you??? literally what you are doing is running away from your problems and not solving anything

and he was like no i can't do that

and i was like why not

and he was like you'll understand when you're an adult

and i was like frankly dad, i don't see any adults in this room right now

and he was like i can't say sorry if i don't mean it

and i was like ??? well maybe this isn't for you maybe this is for mum

and he was like no it won't do anything

and i was like how do you know you haven't even tried anything

and he just wouldn't budge and so i just sighed really loudly and was like then can you at least try to stop fighting with her? and he was like she makes me say things!!!! and i was like uh huh right and he was like "but what i told her about having a second daughter wasn't true" and i was like so you said it to spite her? and he didn't answer and i just like glared at him for a long while (during this i was also having like a panic attack of sorts kind of like when you cry really hard and you start having difficulty breathing and get a bit dizzy and your heart goes weird, and twice during it he tried to hug me but i kind of just either stayed still or pushed him away) but anyway, i just said to dad that i was disappointed in him

and he was like what do you want me to do i'm not a computer

and i linked that back to the first argument we had and said yeah well that goes for us as well we can't do everything you ask us to do straight away maybe we're busy with other things first and he was like ok well tell me when you are and i'll do it and i was like ok do you promise not to get angry?? and he was like yeah

and then it just ended like that

after that i was just still in a state of disappointment with him because he avoided the topic of mum completely.

and then the other day, it was the beginning of the holidays but the context is is that my family is having lots of trouble with money at the moment - when things are stable, it's ok, but recently cars have been breaking down one after the other and then you get tensions rising with both money and family problems and then the first day of the holidays my cousin and i were cutting her dog, panda's, hair and when we put him down, there was growling and my dog rufus and panda got into a fight and panda's jaw got dislocated/broken - still not quite sure but we know it's bad because panda keeps on whining and such

that night i was like dad i think something's wrong with panda's jaw and dad was like ...no it's fine

and then the next day he was like panda's jaw is broken and i was like yeah i told you so and the problem was that surgery for panda would cost heaps of money and giving him top the rspca would still cost a few hundred, and there was also the option of putting him down

now let me first say that this is my cousin's dog and my cousin is currently in phillipines with her mum

and i'm already really hesitant as it is when it comes to money and asking for it because i know it's really difficult for them at the moment and don't want to burden them with anything and added the mounting arguments against me such as them saying that they do everything for me and i do nothing in return, so it makes me not want to ask for anything at all y'know

well i just didn't want panda to be put down because i feel like that'd be such an unfair call to make for him, because he's a young dog and for something like a broken jaw that could be fixed--- like, god y'know???

but basically it all fell to my cousin's decision as it was her dog and so i was discussing it with her on facebook and just her replies just got me so disappointed because it really felt like the only person who was really affected by everything was me and maybe even my dad but all my cousin said was "oh... well it's my mum's decision in the end"

and she kept repeating that argument and i felt so frustrated because sure it was her mum's decision but her say in it was equally important and she could persuade her mum to the choice that we both agreed was the better option e.g rspca

so then the next day we just devised a system where we feed panda soft things until we can afford to send him to the vet and that's what's been happening but basically one time my dad asked me to feed panda it was like 12pmish and usually we feed the dogs at 6ish but i didn't mind so much, i was just making my holiday plan for homework and feeling kind of stressed seeing all the things that needed to be done and i just said ok hold on i'm nearly finished when my dad got super angry again and went on another rant and somehow ended up threatening that he wouldn't support me with money and i was just like ????? then i'll have to get a part time job i guess and he just got even more angry and began saying how i never did anything for him again and how he works so hard and stuff

and i ended up getting another of those panic attacks and i just ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there and tried to calm myself down

like i knew it was partly my fault that i didn't feed panda asap but then dad and went and said those things, and like while i was in the bathroom my mum was outside the door and being angry and saying i had to apologise to dad straight away but i honestly did not feel like i did much wrong and that dad was overreacting again and i asked her to just leave me alone for a moment because i actually couldn't focus and deal with things because of the panic attack and she was like ???? and i tried to explain to her that like i was having a lot of trouble just dealing with things at the moment and she kind of scoffed and was like what are you going to kill yourself??

and that moment i just like went silent and i was so angry, i was thinking things like 'how dare you say that to me' because time and time again that's alway been the threat that mum and dad have used against me in fights, that they'd just 'kill themselves if i didn't care' and stuff and i just said that to mum

and she just kind of stormed off angrily and came back later and just kept saying i had to apologise

it's kind of still going on at the moment, like i'm lucky that i got to go camping in the first place, mum was saying she wouldn't let me go but i had already prepared food for it and stuff and in the end she let me go but on the car ride there she just kept going on about how i 'had to apologise to dad' and i 'better think about what i did' but i'm just finding it hard because i just i honestly feel like i've done nothing much wrong, i know that it's my fault i don't do things straight away and i'm always grateful for what my parents do for me and like yeah i sass and stuff but like ...... i just.......... idk make way for teenage ramblings sdfghj

my worries just remain, and i've said it to the motherhen, but it's that i feel like things just get worse and worse and the more they do i'm afraid i'll keep having these reactions to them and i end up feeling kind of like... just bad ... at the end of things and i know i'll get back to normal -- i was fine camping -- but i'm developing an apprehensiveness to coming home and seeing mum and dad

also edit about something but i went busking and the day i came home in the car like i was tired but mum launched into tons of complaints about everything bad that was happening like cars breaking down and it just made me so like i began getting really antsy and sighed really loudly and like i know mum has to vent these things but it just always happens and it never stops and i think these things do begin piling up and turn into toxicity, so anyway i sighed really loudly and mum was like what are you angry??? and i just asked her to stop and that i didn't want to hear any more and she went silent and i felt kinda bad but like.... this negativity, i feel, is so poisonous and then that night my bro called up and we had a dnm and he agreed and said that that's a huge reason why he doesn't want to come home and that usually it's hard to deal with because mum's phone calls to him are the same in that she asks about his day sometimes but after that just goes on about the bad in hers

and we don't even know what to do about it

but we just confirmed with each other that we were strong and we'd handle all this together and i think our relationship is so important and awesome :') like i owe bro a lot and he's a star and i hope he also feels better with everything that's going on with his job + girlfriend + etc

sometimes its ok but when things are bad things just seem to get worse y'know??

that's kind of a scary thing

but i know i can always find support with my friends and in the christmas spirit in the air!!!

that kind of reminds me w/ my bro but just recently, it was after busking

OH OHO HOOHHOH OMY GOD I HAVE TO TELL EVEROYNE I WENT BUSKING THIS YEAR!!!! AND IT WAS SO AMAZING WE GOT LIKE 400ISH BUCKS IN 2 DAYS AND DUUUDE WE ARE SO AMAZING ok so like WAIT OTHER PEOPLE ARE SO COOL BECAUSE LIKE THIS LADY CAME OUT WITH FRESH JUICE and i think we were singing outside some kind of legal firm or something but she came out and was like 'hey kids if it gets too hot outside you're welcome to come in any time :)' and AAAAAAAAAAA oh my god ;;; it was just so beautiful and just such preciousness is what makes everything worthwhile!! also we were busking with the song 'cant help falling in love with you' and some dude just was walking past and SANG REALLY GOOD AND AFTER THE SONG ENDED HE WAS SLOWLY WALKING AND WE LIKE CLAPPED FOR HIM BECAUSE HIS VOICE WAS ACTUALLY AMAZING

also CAN I JUST SAY LIKE do u guys remember how i like am so :') at my jap teacher well HE'S SO AWESOME ;; CRY OMG so like during the term we were talking about pokemon once and he was telling me how like when he goes to japan in 2019ish ??? he's gonna have to buy lots of pokemon stuff for his son because his son has become obsessed with pokemon and ;; HIS FAITH he was like 'hey you'll be there' and i literally was like  ;;;;;;;;;;; YOUR FAITH IN ME ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and was like 'SIR YUO HAEV TO COME VISIT ME' and he was like oh for sure we've never been to kyushu before so :))) and i was like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and i was just really happy ;;; WHAT A ;;;; WHAT A MAN ;;;;; like

i don't want to settle for anything less than studying in japan and i will try my very best this coming year, 2016

OOOH HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS ABOUT UMBRELLA???

as part of an initiative (as captain i guess you could say, but in general for what the school lacks), with the help of friends we organised a mental health awareness + support group called Umbrella and it's called Umbrella because mental health is often related to clouds above your head/rain but Umbrella will be there to support you along the way y'know

haha well you get the gist

and i'm so happy

like it took quite a bit of organisation and seeing a bunch of teachers, setting a room up for meetings to take place and making a plan for meetings and on each meeting, figuring out what to talk about and what to focus on in terms of goals and such but i'm so  happy and glad because we actually have quite a few people coming along to join the club on wednesday lunch times and recently for festivus (which was amazing it had sumo wrestling griffo vs anstey and GRIFFO WON and i was supporting him the whole way against rabia who supported anstey /lols, and performances and awesome stalls) and ok recently for festivus umbrella sold hot and cold drinks and made like $118?? this will go towards beyond blue so!!! I'm SO HAPPY because man i find that pretty successful!!!

rhys is this amazing guy in the years below me but he's so passionate about everything and he just makes me so happy because of the effort he puts into stuff like he made 7 litres of ice tea which didn't end up getting sold much due to all the other drinks and people preferring hot drinks due to the surprisingly cold weather but honestly rhys is such a brave soul and volunteered to talk about his experiences with stress in one meeting

AND ALSO IT WAS SO COOL like we had a stress management meeting before exams and alumni came in and talked about stuff and so did rhys and we have minutes with the advice compiled on it and it's pinned outside on our NOTICE BOARD dO U KNO HOW COOL THAT IS but also like I'M SO HAPPY because like i hope it'll be helpful to kids !!!!! like !!! man!!!! and the COUNSELLOR WAS LIKE hey jesse i'm happy because this group is going well and thank you for your effort in making this group and i was like ;;;;;;;; I'm SO GLAD like NO PROBLEM AT ALL

and like goood OMG ALSO FOR THE UMBRELLA STALL THIS GIRL SAM VOLUNTEERED TO MAKE POSTERS AND AAAAAA THE YWERE SO BEAUTIFUL I WAS ACTUALLY SO HAPPY AND OMG I'M SO HAPPY THAT UMBRELLA HAS SO MANY PASSIONATE BEAUTIFUL HELPFUL MEMBERS LIKE WOW!!!!!!!

YEAH!!!!!

i think it's so important to recognise like all the good things that are happening outside of the house y'know and school and my friends and all the amazing things that others achieve are so worthwhile and keep me grounded

so yeah

holidays have begun and you bet your BUTTS they'll be PRODUCTIVE i have to make griffo proud with JAP WORK!!! AAAAAAAAAAA

ok but maybe not today i'm so tired today :')

tomorrow/// I WILL DO A LOT .......

YEAH

WISH ME LUCK>!??!?!?!?! (i don't need luck i have DETERMINATION aaaa that reminds me undertale is a good game and i'm learning new americana by halsey (AWESOME SINGER MAN) on the piano and one punch man + haikyuu season 2 IS WHAT ENRICHES MY SOUL AAA and yeah nice BD)

see you and i hope everyone has AMAZING things come to then in the end of this year and the year to come. HOPE YOU SMILE HEAPS TODAY!!!! and don't worry about me too much if you are... i just need to get things off my chest sometimes and talk to people and i'll be fine, i'm a spry youth

entry 29

so today i realised i was proud of myself :)))) (though i'm not proud of the fact that i haVE NOT RETOLD THE STORIES OF JAPAN BECAUSE THAT WAS LIKE THE BEST WEEKS OF MY LIFE AND I HAVEN'T BOTHERED TO WRITE ABOUT THEM??? when the holiday comes i swear to god i will write about it all, i'm gonna stick a post-it note to my toilet so every time i go take a dump it's staring at me and i get uncomfortable and inclined to actually do it)

and, well, it was interesting coz this is kind of a week of stress for me. i have this science presentation to wing, a pe dance to follow up on because i didn't get to do it before japan and now my pe teacher looks at me with this meaningful look that makes me nervous, i have a maths test on wednesday and a drama script to memorise seeing as i have this kind of main role as this kid called Billie who acts like a pirate - and this is for Youth Theatre and we're gonna go performing around random primary schools in a couple of weeks, so I SHOULD really get onto those...

and also dragO NAGEG INQUSITUINTON COMES OUT IN 3 DAYS /SCREAMS. 3 days could not be any longer, I swear. it's a kind of pleasurable pain, you know? ;v; /wistful sigh. so close yet so far.

but today i found out that i got the highest mark in my class for my japanese presentation and i was really happy, hehe. it was funny because during the presentation, i panicked and paused during my speech (it was this speech about a monster you have to make up - describing the monster's personality and appearance - i came up with this rabbit thing that had lots of legs and ate children after drinking orange juice at the park - like imagine this lil cute rabbit thang popping up from behind the bushes but as the bush trembles and it begins to reveal itself you get the feeling that something is horribly wrong and BAM THE LIL BUNNY HAS A THOUSAND SPIDER LEGS/ENEMONIE (sp????) LIKE LEGS AND CHILLS RUN DOWN YOUR BACK AND SUDDENLY IT NYOOMS TOWARDS YOU WITH LIGHTNING SPEED and ur ded

yeah that was my monster

but anyway i got nervous and me and my friends were talking about nervous habits one day and she said that i had the habit of jumping around/releasing my energy in that way and i was like ye and well that's what i did like i began jumping around and going "holD ON I KNOW THIS" and everyone laughed and i was happy that people laughed and well yeah that happened

and today we were given our marks and that dude jude was like sir who got the top mark and sir was like well.. no one..... but jesse got the highest at 19.5 and za was like did she lose half a mark because she started jumping and everyone laughed again and sir was like yes that (but it was because i paused) but hehe i'm okay with that!!!!

i've also been exercising and getting better at holding my times and extending the time on the treadmill - my highest that i can recount is going at 10km 3% incline for around 7 mins non-stop? and then my highest speed is 11km but at like either 5% incline or 2% but either way, i'm proud. I can also do push ups now with relative ease and i'm very happy, i just gotta learn how to do the triangle push-up things but yeah. i'm really happy.

i haven't been updating much and partly, that's due to so many things happening at the same time but you know, even the friendly-acquaintance stories - i used to be so "CRAP I HAVE TO UPDATE!! SOMETHING HAPPENED TODAY!!!" but y'see things like this have been happening so often that i haven't had time to update and that's an interesting thing to note, i reckon, hehe. i'll see what i can do about sharing them as they pop up though!!

also SRC CAMP:

this huge wall of text is a summary, good luck to anyone who'd even wanna read it all:

------

src camp was AMAZING!!!!!
I MADE FRIENDS WITH THIS RLY CUTE ASIAN

GIRL HER NAME IS ANGELYN SHE'S LIKE MY

LIL SIS I S2G SHE
IS SO ADORABLE
and EVERYONE WAS JUST GREAT
AND IT WAS SO COOL!!
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:28
Brianna
Omg... angel
not angel
anyone but angel haha
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:29
Jesse
yeah, claire called me up yesterday at

midnight and we talked and i researched

some things and we came up with ways to

go about comforting her
whaaaat angel is so cute!
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:30
Brianna
I'm glad she has people who she can

depend on. You guys are the best haha
she's an interesting character
did you get closer to the girl reps?
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:30
Jesse
yeah, and i'm really glad everyone in the

year is so caring!
i... i think i did............ it was

really...

weird....................................

....
like at night we were all talking about

"girl stuff" you know and i was kinda

silent coz they all had their inside

jokes and i did admittedly feel kinda

like a third wheel and it was weird coz i

felt a bit more comfortable with the guys than

the girls
but
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:32
Brianna
Yeah, I see what you mean
I should have said something to squizz

asking to include you a bit more
Well at least you have made closer

friends!~
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:32
Jesse
i ended up telling them about canoe guy

and they were telling me about their

experiences and stuff and they ended up

fangirling so hard about my story and

shiz and we all ended up talking about

how my group was kinda isolated and it

was really nice because they all were so

enthusiastic about wanting the other

people in the year to get to know the

group better
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:33
Jesse
hehe oh bri-chi you are just beautiful
we did warm and fuzzies
if you were there i think i would've run

out of paper with the things i have to

say B)))))))))))))))))
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:35
Jesse
i think one of the sweetest things that

was said to me on my warm and fuzzies was

how omoiyari said he truly considered me

a mate and that he was thankful for that

i was reading it on the way home and i

teared up and then when i got home i was

like you know i still have so many things

to say, my warm and fuzzy was kinda short

so let's write a lil letter thing
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:35
Jesse
so now i have a lil letter to give

omoiyari /nods coz there was that time in

japan when he asked me to help him with

his self intro and i felt so honoured and

that one time when i was in his intro

drama class and i told him he was like my

bro but didn't expand on it so i think he

got weirded out but in my letter i

explained what i meant
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:36
Jesse
so it's all g now /nods
I AM SO READY FOR EVERYTHING
also i became the src secretary
i have to take minutes and everything and

honestly it's pretty intense
IT WAS REALLY WEIRD BRI-CHI MY SRC CAMP

EXPERIENCE IS A MESS
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:37
Brianna
Omg, they all sound so nice QQ
like a beautiful family
you guys are all really close now and

that's so good
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:38
Jesse
!!!!!! IT'S SO EXCITING I'M SO EXCITED!!!
yeah and MM tenshi and squiz was like

jesse u have to USE ur connections
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:38
Brianna
warm and fuzzies make me cry
omg, SECRETARY THOUGH
THAT'S A BIG RESPONSIBILITY
aawww, and you and omoiyari
01/11/2014 22:39
Brianna
I'm sure he'd be touched by your letter
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:39
Jesse
YEAH I KNOW
!! AND the reason i went for secretary in

the first place
was because omoiyari actually said he

thought i'd make a good secretary
Jesse Tran
01/11/2014 22:39
Jesse
and told me about it and stuff and i was
really surprised
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:40
Brianna
i'm so proud of you QQ
Such a big job
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:41
Jesse
yeah, today i spent the day compiling the

minutes and i finished and i'm happy
deputybro is my lil deputy secretary bro

he's so cool man
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:42
Brianna
omg deputybro
he's so swag
and cool
and kool
and swag
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:42
Jesse
yeah, he played the guitar
we had a karaoke night
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:42
Brianna
do you have to do that every week?
did you sing
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:43
Jesse
yeah i do
yeah i did but it was group singing B)
although the camp was this huge

conference of ideas and there was just

everything
so i think in the little meetings,

there'll be a tad less work to do
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:45
Brianna
aww, you should have gone solo
and awed everyone with your singing

skillz
did you get closer to dbunks and cbell?
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:46
Jesse
squizz was constantly hinting at it but

we all sang together anyway B)
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:46
Brianna
and did you share the 2 ply toilet paper

idea
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:46
Jesse
yeah it was so cool!! ACTUALLY CBELL

SHARED THE 2 PLY TOILET PAPER IDEA I

THINK I WAS LIKE HECKIE YEAH MAN
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:46
Brianna
OMG YASSS
FINALLY
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:46
Jesse
apparently the src have been trying to

get two ply ever since
it's just never happened and it's not a

main priority so i guess we'll see what

happens LOL
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:47
Brianna
omg yasss my dreams are coming true
:< so sad
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:47
Jesse
LOL finally, you get to wipe ur butt with

silky smoothness
dw i may be able to smuggle some 2 ply

just for u
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:47
Brianna
thanks, that would be appreciated
and maybe some scented thingos in the

toilet
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:47
Jesse
i didn't talk to dbunks much but i defs

talked to cbell more and we sat next to

each other and it was pretty funny there

were jokes
his warm and fuzzie to me was also super

nice /sob
LOL
sure
maybe some scented hand crafted soap
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:48
Brianna
made from goats milk
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:49
Jesse
I ACTUALLY HAVE SOAP MADE FROM COCONUT

AND BANANA
IT SMELLS SOOOO GOOD

-----

and yeah that should be a summary and the names are censored like usual. hopefully. omoiyari told me the letter was beautiful and it was really funny hehe. and there's more to come later, but i should get ready for school tomorrow!

bye friends, i hope smiles light up all ur pretty faces and everything good happens to you!!

ALSO I WENT TO BBALL LAST WEEK AND PLAN TO GO AGAIN THIS WEEK /SCREAMS

also i've introduced katie to oatmeal AND dragon age and she loves both /CACKLES MANIACALLY

ah, oatmeal <3

my friends ellie and claire made a bet i'd get sick of oatmeal by next year but i won't

just u guys see

B)

entry 28

so this kinda just made my day, yeah:

Jesse Tran 18:15
today i SHIPPED ELLIE AND [SN] SO HARD Jesse Tran 18:15 Jesse Tran BASICALLY Jesse Tran 18:15 Jesse Tran ellie and ruby were sitting on the table and ruby was moving her legs up and down and [osborne] and [SN] were talking to each other and ellie was like ruby stop moving ur legs (coz it was shaking the table) and ruby kept doing it and then [SN] held out his leg to stop her and i was like /sob Jesse Tran 18:15 Jesse Tran i ship them so hard they were also sassing each other Brianna Nguyen 18:18 Brianna Nguyen Omg [SN] [osborne] is probably one of the nicest guys in the year Btw he voted for you Jesse Tran 18:42 Jesse Tran YES [SN] Brianna Nguyen 18:42 Brianna Nguyen never imagined tht couple Jesse Tran 18:42 Jesse Tran /SOB don't tell me these things i'm gonna cry because he's so nice THEY ARE ADORABLE TOGETHER THEIR SASS IS PERF and like i don't know who but ellie said she liked someone and claire ruby and i were just sobbing over how cute it was Brianna Nguyen 18:44 Brianna Nguyen Oh yeah she told us at harriet's party that she likes someone but she wouldn;t tell us who Jesse Tran 18:47 Jesse Tran yeah ;; Brianna Nguyen 18:47 Brianna Nguyen [osborne] said he's already friends with you btw Jesse Tran 18:48 Jesse Tran today we confirmed that she actually did like someone (because i wasn't there at haz's party) and she had this super cute smile on her face ;; Brianna Nguyen 18:48 Brianna Nguyen Omg seriouslyyy do you have any ideas Jesse Tran 18:50 Jesse Tran i whaT SERIOUSLY REALLY I WAS AFRAID TO CALL HIM A FRIEND BECAUSE I WASN't SURE /CRIES Brianna Nguyen 18:50 Brianna Nguyen hhaaha I asked him who he voted for and he's like "I voted jesse first because she's my friend and she's really nice to me" Jesse Tran 18:52 Jesse Tran today in drama it was pretty funny we messed up at this one bit like [osborne] had to carry one block and i had to carry the other but for some reason there was no blocks left for me to carry and i was like wth what is happening and [osborne] was like omg and i was like omg wait [osborne] is this your fault and he was like what no ruby got the other block and i was like omg ruby why and then i was like dammit [osborne] this is why we can't have nice things Jesse Tran 18:53 Jesse Tran BRI REALLY Jesse Tran 18:53 Jesse Tran /sCREECHES ALSO TODAY in english i had to steal a chair for chanse and i went to the other side of the room and stole a chair and asked the nearest person if it was okay and it was [osborne] and he was like omg i don't know i don't sit there and i was like tru soz bro and it was cool ;; Brianna Nguyen 18:53 Brianna Nguyen hahhaa [osborne] your new best friend? Jesse Tran 18:54 Jesse Tran sorry i'm just getting excited /rolls on you ooh i have no idea who ell likes though
LOL yes Brianna Nguyen 18:54 Brianna Nguyen dw [osborne] is a kool dude and he's so nice to [osborne's gf - we'll call her cookie junior!!] OOoo whoo Jesse Tran 18:55 Jesse Tran i'm so happy!!!! ;a; (AND THEY ARE ADORABLE I SHIP IT HARD) Brianna Nguyen 18:55 Brianna Nguyen hahahhaa a lot of people voted for you I can;t Jesse Tran 18:56 Jesse Tran but i'm shipping ell and sam so hard so that's a thing for me rn

--

UM SO THAT WAS LIKE TWO MONTHS AGO

HELLO

SO, many things have happened since my last update and i should really remind myself to update sooner, because these events just keep pilin' up

i'll list some key events/stuff/thoughts here:

• i'm in the src
• i went to japan (aka my long-time dream)
• in japan i made lots of new friends!!!!
• i've started cooking
• exercising has seriously become my new thang
• 36 days until dragon age: inquisiton
• i've become extremely inclined to make a resume and apply for a job
• i got my subject selections for year 11 back

actually wait let me make a kind of list for the structure of this post

firstly, i'll talk about being in the src

secondly, i'll talk about japan and attempt to tell you all about my experiences (or that might be in an entirely separate post because there's sO much to write)

thirdly, i'll talk about exercising/cooking and job-hunting

aCTUALLY, YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA WRITE ABOUT JAPAN IN A DIFFERENT POST BECAUSE GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH STUFF I HAVE TO COVER (to give u teasers; joudan/sekushii dayo/ikemen/placenta/commander rolls/free cd/puns/okonomimura/hiroshima train trip/relay/:DDD/frozen/hatsune miku hat/etc = look at jap diary)

anyway

a few months ago i told someone they had a nice silhouette and they looked at me funny

a few days ago okay, so, i was putting on some shorts coz it was hot when i looked down and BAM like i was already wearing shorts??? AND IT WAS SO SURPRISING I ACTUALLY LET OUT THIS LITTLE EXCLAMATION OF SURPRISE AND I DOUBLE-CHECKED THE SHORTS IN MY HANDS AND I WAS LIKE DEAR BABY jeSUS ON WHEELS??? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??? HOW DID I FORGET I WAS ALREADY WEARING PANTS??????

i was a bit worried after that

21 Jumpstreet is such a good movie - me and my bro were discussing it and he agreed and was like "you have to be mature to laugh at its immaturity" and it's very true but despite all that, the witty one liners are amazing

today i went to an SRC meeting

and i'm still really grateful about being chosen but also feeling kinda hnggh because i see my friend, yas, who is just always putting herself out there and helping people - heck she even got the year award last year!! and like she's AMAZING and she didn't get onto the committee and she could've done so much and she would've been absolutely beautiful as an src and i just, i, i guess... i don't know.... how do i explain this feeling? i guess i just really want people to recognize her kindness and potential and beauty because otherwise it'd be such a waste

being chosen to become src made me think about a lot of things, like - could i handle it? would i even be a good representative? and i think i was a little overwhelmed when they announced who the src were because it was at that time that those thoughts hit me and i realised that i just volunteered to be on the src as an admittedly selfish act of wanting to get to know people? like, i wasn't really thinking about how i'd help out the school or if i actually had the dedication set aside time to deal with SRC responsibilities - don't get me wrong, i signed up for this and i'm passionate about wanting to help, honestly i want to do my best so bad and be a good src, but yeah - those were my thoughts. what i mean by "the selfishness of wanting to get to know people" is that technically, the desire of actually wanting to become an SRC member were influenced by the fact that all i wanted to do was be able to face the whole year and try to show them another side of me?

i think i have a thing where i constantly feel the need to prove myself in one way or another and this was one way i thought i could do that

if i sound conceited, or anything similar, i'm sorry

to summarize that lil wall of text, i think what i was conflicted about was whether or not i really deserved this spot

but i think i've gotten over that - what's done is done but also i know myself and i know that i'll really try to do my best

so, anyway, i went to an SRC meeting.

my third, to be exact :D

at first, i was kind of apprehensive because you see, there are 6 people on the src along with myself, representing our year: three are girls, three are boys. there's ikemen, bell -- have i mentioned him before?? i'm sure i have somewhere, but i can't seem to find him in my previous posts but hey oh well -- and dbunks. for girls, it's me, MM and squizza. obviously, all those names are not the real names of those alongside me in the src. there are also two regional reps from my year who are absolutely beautiful - omoiyari and tenshi - omoiyari is shoko's (my host sister!!) favourite word in japanese meaning a person who thinks about others and tenshi means angel. omoiyari is a dude, tenshi is a gal!

anyway, i was apprehensive because MM and squizza are both really good friends, ikemen is friends with them and bell, bell is friends with squizza and dbunks. dbunks is friends with squizza and MM and ikemen and bell and pretty much everyone, and well - everyone is connected in some way or another and are close, and then there's me who hasn't really interacted /properly/ with most of them at all, so i kind of felt 'ehhh....' like, well, y'know how it is, feeling a bit like a third wheel? - but i decided not to dwell on it because i knew it didn't matter and i was just overthinking/worrying too much again, and that i'd be able to come friends with them so long as i tried - and that's still my plan!!

the first two meetings were debriefs about what the SRC was about and what we'd be doing (we're going on a camp in week 4 - i have no idea what week it is right now tbh) but yeah, those were really cool and those actually were probably a tad more formal than what it was like today - i didn't talk much at those meetings: at the first one, the eight of us were all sitting apart, and the second one we did kind of sit together but we couldn't face each other well because we were kind of clumped --

but today!!

today was really fun!!!

SUPER FUN!!!

I'M SO PUMPED /SCREAMS.

it began with an explanation of a few of the main positions of SRC - those being chairperson, secretary, treasurer + more i can't really remember - and then it delved into a powerpoint about leadership and being in a group and what kind of group member you are - IDEA aka Imaginer/Designer/Evaluator/Act-er.

then, there was the little exercise called knots. it was really weird and it got uncomfortably intimate and my group didn't manage to get untangled but hey, at least we made progress B) it was really funny and cool hehe

anyway, i was sitting next to ikemen during the meeting and we exchanged some small talk/inside jokes and i felt a lot more comfortable with him there tbh because i hung out with him in japan and we were already friends (just not super friends, y'know? but friend friends!!) and i also managed to talk to the others and make them laugh and it was really nice

omoiyari and tenshi are the regional reps, as i stated before, and gosh they are just amazing - they were the ones who were showing us that powerpoint presentation and all throughout it, i was getting the feels because wow respect they are both such good people and hhhh

after the meeting, bell and i (we've spoken before briefly and he's an awesome person who at one point defended me in this group of gamers which i was added to WHICH mostly comprises of boys and those boys were like wait why's jesse in this group and bell defended me and it was really sweet and cool and well the gist of it is that he's cool) were waiting for omoiyari and tenshi to finish up -

i actually interacted a lot with omoiyari in japan and it was so cool, he's such a cool person as well WOW THERE'S SO MANY COOL PEOPLE HHH And well i helped him out with his self intro in japan and talked to him and made jokes (i remember one funny thing. basically, the luggage i brought to japan was my bro's and it was HUGE it was the biggest out of all the ones brought to japan and everyone was making jokes about how i was the smallest person in the entire group and i brought the largest suitcase and omoiyari was like jesse seriously i have to take a photo of you and that suitcase because this is hilarious and well we talked and it was so cool and fun and yeah!!). the amount of interaction i have with tenshi is limited, but she's really sweet and she's super friendly and she's gr8.

anyway, i was waiting for omoiyari and tenshi to finish talking to the teacher because they're in our english class and i was talking to bell and i told him about the story about my pants and he cracked up laughing and was like how do you even do that??? like couldn't you feel your pants??? and i was like YEAH dude I KNOW LIKE that's why it was so worrisome and then tenshi and omoiyari came out and omoiyari was like what's this? so i told the story again and omoiyari and tenshi laughed and omoiyari was like omg jesse that's classic and i was like hehehehehehe (translation: i'm so happy i can make u laugh like wow u guys are actually laughing and i'm talking to u guys and /sob this is SO cool) and then we all began talking and that's when bell went off to pee and so tenshi, omoiyari and i were walking to class and we were talking about the english homework and neither had submitted it when it was due but i already had and he was like wow jesse, ace student and i was like huehue yep, gonna get that a+ man and that led to omoiyari saying he thought i'd be a good secretary *with an added "just sayin'"* (previously, he talked about how he took up the position before and how it wasn't what he expected - there's not much talking and it's suited for people who are the listener type etc) and i was like I GOT FLUSTERED AND MY CHEEKS WENT WARM AND I WAS LIKE wasdwea dweLL u KNOW i think MM would be good for that position, i mean, she was saying she'd go for it 

and he looked at me and was like aw c'mon jesse, i think going for it would be really good and then tenshi was like yeah i agree and she began telling us a story about how she went up against some random people back when she was in src last year and how she got this spot and omoiyari was like yeah, and i think a lot of people - the ones who know you - would definitely back you up you know

and i don't know, i guess i was just really touched because i don't know, i guess that omoiyari even thought that and just how nice they were and they were just so welcoming and friendly and encouraging and warm? i don't know but gosh they were beautiful so i ended up trying to return the favour and tell them what i thought about them (what i wrote about earlier, how tenshi was an angel and how omoiyari was just really cool and how i had reSPECT for both of them like heck yeah!!) and they laughed and tenshi told me how she was actually nervous going up and speaking and i was like what seriously?? like i didn't even notice

and well

it was awesome

i'm so happy to be in the src and to get to know these beautiful people and i'm looking forward to spending more time with them hehe

change of topic

and apparently, change of font??? sorry the font suddenly changed because i pressed enter twice and idk

anyway, cooking. ever since coming back from japan, i just had an intense urge to catch up on all the exercise i couldn't do and cooking was one good way to control what i ate and it's level of healthiness - and thus, i have been cooking. :D

yep.

sheisse what the heckiedoodle why is the font changing??

???

oh well

exercising is amazing

i have to exercise soon

but i've been really happy with myself man, maybe after i exercise i'll take a photo of my ABS HECK YEAH and just post a wip shot or something iunno i'm just excited

as a record for myself:

as of 15/10/14, i can run approx 4km in a span on 30 minutes, at an average of 9km/h - lowest point being 8km (starting point til 10 min milestone) and highest being 10km (last 4 minutes).
i can do 200 hanging leg raises - 10 sets of 20 or 8 sets of 20 and 2 sets of ten
i can do 3 reps of 20 full decline sit-ups + 20 russian twists, both with a 5kg weight
AND I CAN ACTUALLY DO PUSH-UPS NOW WHICH IS SUPER COOL COZ I REMEMBER THE TIME WHEN I COULDN'T

and of course there are those other lil workouts i have at home but yeah those are what i tend to do at the gym, which i go to now with my bro

hella

oatmeal is still really yummy

everyone i'm gonna give u my recipe that accounts to approx 540 calories

so cook as much oats as u want (i use 4 - 5 tablespoons of oats)
when it's finished, add:
11 almonds
20 raisins
half an apple
3 tablespoons of greek yoghurt
and whatever sugar you want although i recommend coconut sugar or brown sugar or no sugar at all (keep in mind that greek yoghurt is sour tho)

and yeah that's the recipe, just mix it together and voila you've made heaven

/nods

i've been writing for an hour straight, no kidding so maybe later i'll come back with more updates

so bye for now!!!

i hope you guys have a wonderful day! :D

and everything about this post is a mess i mean look at its godforsaken format holy crapplesnack i don't know what's happening goodbye

entry 24

to unhappy jesse:

if you're ever unhappy, as the title in front of your name does imply, then remember this:

'no one knows anything for sure. they're just doing the best with what they already have.'

or... well i'm not entirely sure how that will help, but it's a nice quote right? hehehehe B)

and so, today is a tuesday and this happened:

i said hi to canoe guy today after science, and i brought up the subject of science and we were kinda discussing physics for a while because i really failed at it and don't like it that much but then he mused that physics was actually pretty easy, because it was just maths and then i kind of went silent and was like -- yeah... maths is my weakpoint.

but then he laughed and said, well you're good at english. i'm the opposite.

and then i kind of looked at him and was like, 'how do you know i'm good at english?'

and he maybe blinked, and said 'well i was in your class' and i was like ah, yeah, okay then

his head turned then and he suddenly said goodbye to his friend henry and henry said bye and i was walking for a bit and so was the canoe guy and then i looked back for reasons unknown and henry was looking at me maybe in this weird way and then i got unsettled and continued walking

we fell into this silence and then finally i was like

so

step 5

and canoe guy looked intrigued, and responded; step 5? what's that?

and i was like

well

/insert inward nervous laughter

it's saying sorry

and then his smile kind of faltered and 'oh' was his reply

and then i kind of rambled and was like uhm i'm sorry

and he did that thing where he looked down and was like it's okay, and gave me a laugh

and then i was like

by the way nice haircut

because he got a haircut right (obviously--)

and then he smiled and was like, oh, haha thank you! and i said it matches him and then he smiled and was like, it's a soccer cut and okay so maybe i think it's a tad cute he told me that but-- i mean, a soccer cut okay sorry that is pretty adorable, he looked excited-- uh anyway i swear i'm getting over him, but anyway, i smiled and jokingly said it was beautiful to which he laughed a bit

and then i was like

so uhm, yes, i'm sorry if i -- and then at this point he got kind of flighty again, and as i was saying this he was saying something like 'it's okay' and at the same point he got silent and i said 'made you feel as if you should talk to me'

and then he gave me this

laugh

and i'm not sure what to make of it because i'm not sure if he got the gist of what i was saying

and then he said bye really quickly

and maybe that's coz he had a bus to go to or maybe he realised he was as awkward as i realised that i felt really awkward in that moment

and so i nodded and said bye

and then i walked away

and whispered repeatedly to myself, 'that was so awkward' i don't know how many times but as i was walking i went past this boy and he looked at me weirdly but B) oh well but

well yes

life right?

uhm...

so we'll see how this goes.

--

hOW MANY TUESDAYS AGO WAS THAT LOL

uh i think that was around three weeks ago.

the second week, i... went a different way from him because i was uhm nervous and i was silly and well yeah i kind of regret it but /laughs nervously

the last week i was at music camp!! and music camp was beautiful save for the unMENTIONABLE THINGS THAT HAPPENED WHEN A BANDAID INVADED MY frACKLING PERSONAL BUBBLE

okay that sounds really odd but basically /shudders when someone licks you it's the grossest thing UGH

just.. no bandaid. no.

i'll send this after u and i don't think u want that

but seriously, please no more of that idek how you can /deal/ with licking other people's hands like who knows what they've TOUCHED and like URGH /shudders

anyway.

so i haven't updated in quite a long while and i guess i have a lot to tell.

so basically i had this phase where... i uh, i actually can't remember it so maybe if i keep typing it'll pop up in my brain.

uh, so, long story short i found out more about myself through kind of... getting over canoe guy. interesting right? especially since look at what i've done previously; well, at least to me it's interesting how it went away. or at least that's what i say but sometimes i can't trust my own words, hehe.

and when i say that i'm not even meaning it in some deep sense, it's just that my brain or whatever is just hELLA weird whenever it comes to canoe guy /snickers (iunno man, you'd think after 14, nearly 15 years, i'd have gotten used to how silly i am), so. yes.

sooo, to get on with the little stuff:

THIS IS SILLY ANYONE CAN SKIP THIS

i guess i lost interest? i'd said what i wanted to say (although a lot of the littler things are being left unsaid at the moment). and after talking to him for three weeks before that incident plus music camp and all that, i didn't get that feeling anymore. that was maybe mostly due to the fact every time i saw him i felt really bad because of that whole 'obligation' escapade. i guess i associated that obligation with him pitying me and i really hated the idea of that /nods. but it's been 25 posts now, i'm sure you readers know i have the tendency to overthink.

since claire is now like my official confider (along with ruby and katie - katie's also going through the same thing), i told claire after i also informed rubrub, and i had a lot of trouble explaining what i felt without sounding as if i were lamenting so maybe i'll have that same trouble here.

but basically i began feeling indifferent towards him maybe after realising that we are just so, so different. in the way that i explained it to ruby, it's that more often i've been finding i don't think of him much -- that was when the whole obligation thing kind of calmed but was still prominent so maybe i didn't bother to think of him to suppress my uh, face-palm worthy feelings.

nowadays my eyes find him and yeah, he's still um /coughs really pretty (jesus christ, he was wearing a jumper today and it was so weird it was the first time i saw him in one and i guess it is true that you notice the silly random things about the person you're into/were into?) and i wouldn't be surprised that if he initiated something someday i would undoubtedly have to go through that whole liking thing again. but i doubt it so right now i'm feeling HELLA content :D

but the things i do, haha, the flower, the note, the smile thing-- i don't know how many people have done the kinda shiz i've done but... i guess i feel like i need something, maybe something unique, something interesting, a challenge that's also reciprocal - lol what am i saying - maybe not need, but want something that can interest me but also ensures reciprocation? everyone wants reciprocation after all but i think of odd things, i do them, and then i get impatient, so quickly as well.

maybe i judged too quickly with canoe guy because like, if i were in his situation i would be so at a loss for words, but y'know /shrugs i'd just like to return to my care-free life :D

ruby asked me if i was being /that/ person and i was like

lol, well, not... really. it's just how i am. and besides i'd have to keep up won't i?

and i'm just SO weird like i'm not even probably worthy of the things i come up with but i want them anyway

i guess that's being human, but only time will tell

and then after i told claire my thoughts which were VERY disconnected - she understood me anyway, i don't know how she does that, that saint i s2g - she told me exactly what i didn't know i wanted to hear and theeen she told me i should probs tell him but then we talked for a whole lot more and i decided that i don't think telling him is such a good idea (i can literally feel the awkwardness that would ensue if i blurted out something like 'ye so we're NOT rIGHT FOR EACH OTHER LET'S GO OUR DIFFERENT PATHS' and ???) so i'm obviously not going to do that any time soon.

at music camp btw, zara, hazza, ruby and claire were in my cabin and i re-told the story of canoe/shy/boygirl to those friends and who canoe guy was because i figured they deserved to know especially because i came to a deeper understanding of my feelings and all (lol) and well, zara cried for some reason and repeated a lot that i'm brave, but i just do what i do and then there are repercussions so... at the very least, it's safe to say i felt good for telling them (although there are two in my group who don't yet know but i don't think they're that curious anyway). the story took over an hour to tell and hazza got so impatient with who it was but it was... fun to tell.

anyway, i know that if canoe guy did something-- i'm sure i've already said this, something... well something, it'd probably be very easy for me to get those urgh heart feelings back.

anyway, today was a tuesday. so i'd previously decided that i'd probably talk to him about photography and stuff because that's his hobby (he has this fb page and uhm when i say i seriously didn't investigate his fb profile ((...although when i first liked him i looked at his profile pictures of his face to ensure that yes i was uhM Y'know and no i was not imagining it but LET's NOT GO THERE)) i mean it, i saw his friend like the page and then i was like wait i know those initials and then well yes jfc) and well this tuesday i was gonna do it and a short while after i'd walked out of science, my friends and i separated and canoe guy was walking in front of me and before that as we were actually exiting the classroom, he'd looked back at me and maybe it was a questioning look as if asking i'd come up to him again or maybe i'm looking into things but i smiled at him and he blinked and smiled back and that was probably the first time we'd acknowledged each other since before music camp (although i was running to my friends at luna park yesterday - for science we went to luna park B) - and we met eyes and i waved and he waved).

uhm so i kinda went off track there, but i looked at claire who was walking away and she was looking at me and her eyes were like alit determinedly and she mouthed 'go' or something akin to that and that spurred me on so

i basically ran up beside him and we said hey and then we settled into this silence as i searched for something to say.

as soon as i was about to ask a question, he also began saying something so i quietened and let him speak and we basically made small talk about the new topic we started - biology - today and it was... fun to kind of jab at how bad i was at phsyics. he'd asked me if i thought biology would be easier and i was like of course! and he looked at me and was like ...really? and i was like lol dude, that's not even a question. and he began talking about how hard biology was gonna be and i countered with how hard physics was and then his friend showed up and this is where things got kinda awkward, heh.

he started talking to.. let's call him coach because he's my referee at basketball funnily enough (have i mentioned him before?), well he started talking to coach and i kinda stuck around for a bit until his other friend popped up and they all started talking so i was like... /turns around slowly... /starts walking.... hesitantly... /walks....

and i had no idea what to do then but i didn't want to make things awkward for him by just standing there, so uh... yes.

i walked down the stairs and then i saw that bandaid so i walked up and said hello because i still had time before going to walk down to where i'm usually picked up and i kind of wanted to say goodbye to canoe guy but waiting would be a bit...

so i said hello to the bandaid and then he BRANDISHED HIS HANDS OR WHATEVER AND I KNEW WHAT HE WAS GONNA DO SO I RAN AWAY BEFORE HE COULD but then as i was kinda going 'doN'T U DARE TOUCH ME' canoe guy came down the stairs and bandaid was doing his thing and i met canoe guy's eyes and i was like-- /small smile?? cya and he kind of nodded and said bye and then i jabbed the bandaid in the side (at least i think i did).

but well, yeah.

after that

i walked down to the place i got picked up at and well

i wonder why i was smiling?

i guess it's because canoe guy kind of carried the conversation or who even knows. it... felt nice talking to him and haha i really want to talk to him again and about more stuff.

/sigh.

he... looks.... nice???? in a jumper???

aNYWAy 'm going to move on from this topic.

if i have any readers out there who aren't my actual real life friends, then you guys are so rad.

so, let me talk about my friends.

i've mentioned them a lot before, so they deserve to be written about yo B)

so i'm part of this group and we call ourselves the pandas for some reason; maybe because we sit next to bamboo but hey, the name stuck.

i'LL start with claire-bear - the NICEST CHICKA, as i've already described her, YOU WILL EVER MEET. a few years ago i probably would have never have guessed how sassy she was or how good she was to talk to and especially her ability to reason and look at the big picture which has helped me so much throughout the year, simply because we didn't talk much maybe because we were all settling in and there wasn't really any reason to. it's so wonderful to talk to her because as we're both on the shy side, i found out we actually understand each other so much especially when it came to senpais and wanting to get to know people-- and she really is like my big sis. it's so weird how easy it seems for her to be able to keep me calm and reassure me and give me a gentle push to where i need to be - i swear she's probably the only person who can actually steady me (exception being katie who steadies me also, but not so much with logic-- i'll explain later and ruby who has the ability to kind of... provide an observation even if it doesn't help that much, it's always appreciated). her random stories which are often absolutely pointless could be considered highlights of my dreary days /wink wonk.

guy is SO NOT RAD omfg and among a lot of other things he's a bandaid and ugh what an assbutt but okay, pushing aside all the things he does because he likes to see me frustrated and everything bad in the world, he's.... surprisingly a sweetie at heart (he does random weird things that make u go what the heck bandaid??? in a good way ofc), lol well, probably at the veeerry most (i'm kidding but this is payback for fORGETTING ME). his concept of playing with hair is different from my mum's and like the others who have actually played with my hair and i prefer the others. /snickers. seriously though. also doN'T YOU DARE COME NEAR ME WITH DIRTY HANDS OR I WILL JAB YOU INTO NEXT WEEK. B( - so anyway good things (lol what good things) to say about him is that he's fun to talk to, fun to banter with and so not fun to be around when he's set on suffocating you with his yaoi hands (thank u for putting up with me).

ruby is someone who really is subjected to all my weirdness because i tell her about everything i've encountered and especially through the first years, she was my first actual friend and i'm quite sure i was in this puppy stage - scared to venture to anyone else so i clung to her. so i'm sorry for that! but she's also my rival for japanese, person to just relax with, probably the most 'nature-y' person in the whole group and there are so many adventures we've been through together so we go a fair way back B) anD I DON'T THINK I CAN STRESS HOW MUCH SHE LOOKS LIKE A DOLL WHAT WITH ROSY CHEEKS PALE SKIN TONE BEAUTIFUL EYES /SOB but one thing that is really so beautiful is that i can always fangirl to her about anything -- absolutely anything, even taking a dump -- and she'll just accept it and that means a lot to me because we're always gonna be buddies /BUDDY FIST BUMP. even if she doesn't have the same magic wisdom as claire, she's still so understanding and she's always there for me and that's pretty damn amazing. i'm so grateful for everything she's done for me and with me hehe

ellie is SO BEAUTIFUL. when i was in year seven and eight i admit i was kind of.... i didn't talk to her much and she's a very blunt person and her bluntness can be a double-edged sword and so i didn't think i'd get along with her that much because at that point in time but i'm actually so silly because i look back and she actually wasn't all that scary as i made her out to be. she's actually such a cookie -- seemingly brittle on the outside but the inside is a fangirl and cutie and it's pretty awesome tbh. she's also my go-to sherlock partner in crime because we both adore benedict cumberbatch. have i mentioned sherlock in this post? i should probs, but this'll be a quick blog post and i'll have to summarise the rest of my friends later when i have time but i wanted to get this blog post out! (also brother hello if you're reading this).

this is a quick blog post!! but the next should come up soon!

i've made some hella new friends and it's awesome!! also acting is AMAZING. i did a performance today!

so, bye friends, this is entry 24, i hope good comes your way.