entry 37

it's 9:57am and i will start studying in half an hour! promise!

so it's been quite some time! i think it's very interesting to see how i've begun making entries less and less while becoming more and more preoccupied with life and the interesting/amazing/sometimes stressful things that are going, such as the HSC, i've literally only made one previous entry this year and that's crazy!

firstly... let me just list a bunch of things that i should talk about in terms of where my current mental state + ambitions are at --

1 > family
2 > dreams for life // views on studying? university? the changes to come?
3 > school life
4 > poetry
5 > little goals that may or may not be achieved

---

ok idk when I started that draft but let's see if I can continue where I left out lolol it's 2:38pm right now and the date is hopefully the date I will publish this draft on :)))

my buddy, how life has changed.

firstly, this leads into #4 listed up there but I did eng ext 2 as part of my HSC course (which now I can legit say it is OVER and I made it through and everyone else who did should feel proud of themselves and give themselves a good, wholesome rest!), and my major work was a suite of poems. i'm not sure if I wrote about this in a past entry but those poems were detailing the actions of those around me and how they impacted on the person I am today. if I can still recall correctly there were 5 poems, centring on family, friends, my brother, my teacher and myself. i'd kind of like to post the poems here but they're really long! but anyway the first was the heaviest because it was a mixture of my feelings at the time of the previous blog posts about the whole situation with my parents and their impact on me. but as such, everything passes and it's only natural that you either come to terms with experiences or at least learn things from them and I think i'm able to say that I've done both, perhaps.

my conclusions from the past entries have been this:

1. it's not like I've forgiven my dad for the things he did. I don't respect what he did nor how he fails to apologise for it. but I respect him because a lot of my opportunities and pleasures in life could have been lost if he had decided to leave my mum and my brother back when I wasn't yet born. because of my dad I've been able to make memories I wouldn't have, I have been able to go to places and do things I wouldn't have been able to do without his support. and unlike the figure I portray in the poetry with a "mouth cured by salt", the lone fisherman that spends too much time on a screen rather than addressing those real life issues-- dad is unmistakably human and although mistakes hurt, people can still heal and people can come to make do with what their circumstances have given them. I kind of feel like I'm rambling but my main point is, is that if I had a longer time period to finish that suite of poems the first poem about family would not be ending with this:

"By now the pain is long gone,
and so is that daughter.
She has grown different now,
though she used to be mine,
and by extension yours,
she is different now.

No longer a princess,
still spoiled a lot,
but with a sword in her hand
she knows what she's got.

And what she doesn't."

Or maybe it would end the same, at least with that conclusive tone. But I think the portrayal of the people in that poem would be different and more fleshed out. It's weird, y'know? For all the struggles and moments of spite, I love all of my family pretty much beyond words. I find it very easy to communicate my affection for my friends, SO easily, because I know that we only have a limited time together, but I find that with my family it can be so hard for some reason. I think it's probably because there is that part of my that takes them for granted and therefore it's very easy to see all the faults in one another. But I guess, thanks to my dream of wanting to go to Japan and all the experiences I've had this year with realisations of impermanence, I want to say that I've become more perceptive to the things that I should be grateful towards. I actually really love my mum and dad and seeing them happy makes me so happy I could cry (i'm a crybaby after all). It's because I know how hard they work to support me and I know I'm asking a lot from them and that I'm really lucky to be living like I am. I really treasure seeing them happy, so it kind of hurts me to think that in my journey towards achieving my dream, I am impacting on them and how they can live in the future. I want to be able to provide for myself, so I am hoping to get a job very soon (since it's the end of HSC).

To give more info, I got a 65% scholarship to go study in Japan next year and that's always been my dream. 65% because it's a tuition reduction scholarship covering the years I'll be studying there e.g 4, and while obviously the higher the better, it's actually fair enough considering how I am from a developed country and that's honestly quite a bit of money anyway to be reduced from all the fees. btw sorry if my writing is weird and there's caps and suddenly no caps and no grammar, it's because I usually write without proper grammar usage but i'm on my laptop so it automatically corrects things lol.

ANYWAY TO QUICKLY SUM UP EVERYTHING I WANTED TO GO THRU W/ #1 on the list: only recently it's struck me how important family can be. actually i'll tell u an anecdote. so basically the other day I was making pork floss with my dad because he was like 'u should see how much time this takes' and I was like 'well ok I'm finished with exams now so I can help :D' and so my eyes were opened actually to how much effort and time it took! and you know, I've always found it hard to talk with my dad. or I guess not really hard so to say but I never really made much of an effort to talk to him much because I was always afraid it would spiral into the direction of him saying something i'd disagree with and then both of us ending up in a bad mood. but the other day I asked him about his childhood because i'd heard from mum that his family used to own a restaurant. so dad told me about his father and how his father owned a restaurant but died due to a mosquito bite when dad was really young, and so his mum and the rest of his siblings had to work really hard in order to make money. so his mum made pork floss often and dad helped and they sold food to make a living. it makes sense because pork floss is dried meat and essentially should last for a long time.

you know a similar story is my mum's childhood. mum sometimes gets into a nostalgic mood and ends up telling me stories and she told me about how living in poverty was for her as a kid with her family, and how her mother often went around to the neighbours to ask for rice but the neighbours shut them out because they had to think about their own families. she told me how her mother used to buy one fish and they had to share it between I think 6 kids? and how more often than not they simply ate rice with diluted coffee to flavour it.

it struck me how different lives can be, how really, really different they can be. and although there's the saying money can't buy happiness, it really can. it's SO important in this world, so SO important in giving opportunities and paving way for happiness. but also, it's because money is so important that we should savour the things we already have such as the people around us.

so yeah. sum of point #1 is i'm grateful for family and I really want to be able to give back to my parents when I have a job later on in life. I want them to experience the beauty of japan as I have. I want to do them proud.

as for #2 I feel like I don't have much to say on that right now except now that I've gotten the scholarship I have a basis to work off for paying for the rest of the fees such as living costs/the 35% tuition/etc. and that there's a lot of prep to do in order to officially enrol such as submitting heaps of documents and getting a student visa and all and honestly that process is so intimidating haha I admittedly lost sleep last night thinking about it and how i'm scared and anxious about the things that could go wrong such as missing deadlines and ending up losing the scholarship. i'm scared to be happy because I still need to take steps in order to ensure that the dream that is so close can fully be achieved. so i'll save my happiness for the day I meet the deadlines. that means i'll make another post in February 2017 which is the last deadline for document submission/enrolment fees. wish me luck? haha

#3 (school life) has ended,,, uhh not much to say about that too except I know i'll miss high school. and thank you for the memories.

#4!!! so I've gotten into poetry thanks to ext eng 2!!! :D I think it's been quite an eye opener to me as a person and to the things I like about other people and random things in life. well firstly i feel things so intensely lol and i like to be able to write about the feelings i get from my experiences because it sort of immortalises that in writing and acts as a reminder. i love that. i also like other people who can feel things intensely, as in, people who are passionate. i love people who can  find such beauty in small things. i love people who get lost talking about the things they love. it's so beautiful to feel things intensely and to be passionate. yeah! so sometimes when i'm listening to Claire play the piano or just meditating at home or just listening to music or just day to day things, i get into this poetry mood and it feels really good when that happens. i don't know how to explain 'good' but maybe one day i'll write a poem about that :) I've been compiling docs of draft poems so maybe when i refine some of them or maybe if i just get the time, i'll post them on here :) :D

aaaand as for #5... i have a lot of little goals !!!!

long term is:
> get REALLY fit and get good at dancing
> get good at cooking and compile a recipe book of home recipes to bring to japan
> learn the ukulele/practice
> learn how to do make-up!
> keep learning Japanese
> learn korean

short term is:
- get a mini telescope for STAR GAZING !!!!!! !!!!
- get more clothes if possible??
- do vlogging!!! get a camera in time for japan!!

and i may add to these goals over time!! :D

so yeah!!!

here is my update which also signals the end of high school and the beginning of my future and awesome things (i hope).

as always, thank you for reading :D it's weird to look back on all my past entries and i'm fearful that i will one day and that everything will be cringe worthy lol but at least know that i won't change a thing about them lol,,,

stay safe, healthy and happy readers :DD <3

- jesse

entry 32

Motherhen:
If you have the determination then you can do it
My Dad always says "Luck is opportunity meets preparation"

Me:
that's a really nice quote

Motherhen:
So if you make sure you're on the lookout for opportunities
And if you're prepared
Then you can talk to him!!
There's no reason why you couldn't

Me:
gooooood you're beautiful like those are such nice

Motherhen:
Yeah you should put it on your wall B)

Me:
B) i will

Motherhen:
I am pretty beautiful

Me:
you really are

Motherhen:
But you're MORE beautiful

Me:
nO you don't say that man

Motherhen:
Ugh FINE we're EQUALLY beautiful
But anyway

Me:
i think everyone has equal potential for beauty and that we're well-matched B)
LOL

Motherhen:
Yeah so don't feel so down about it!! Because you can do it!!

Me:
BD
i, hhgg i think i'm actually pretty fallen  like today i just kind of thought of him when i saw the cricket going on and i had this thought and it was "_____ might be watching this, he likes cricket doesn't he?" so i sat down and observed it for a bit because i thought maybe if i could understand a bit or have a big of knowledge over it maybe i could...

Motherhen:
Awwwww
AWWWWWWWWWWW

Me:
and it went weird because my FACe i felt it in my FACE you know... like when you think of the person you like....... and your eyes go soft?? oh god

Motherhen:
/dies because of cuteness
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Me:
and it did that and i realised i did that and i was like CRAP this really isn't good i've done the thing i've gone and done the thing
UGH

Motherhen:
D: that's so cute

Me:
D:
me too
D:

Motherhen:
You know what this is GOOD
You might not realise it
But however this goes
You'll grow and learn from the experiences

................................................................................................................................................

well ANYWAY

you know i should probably ask permission to use conversations as transcripts for my blog... you know what i mean...?

today is a beautiful day [1/4/15 - cross country] and some really awesome things have happened in the past week

------and MAN jesus christ i've had this draft floating here for a while and i'm hoping to get it done by today so let's begin again shall we? [8/4/15]

i just wanna point out that in the first date i wrote there, i put there year as 2012 :////// ???

well okay i changed it

right now my computer room smells like tuna and cheese and sweet potato

and THAT'S A-OKAY WITH ME MAN YEAH, smells good

anyway

i think there's something really great about putting lots of effort into something and being able to share the gratification of some sort of reward, achievement - with someone else who has put in just as much effort as you. that's something beautiful and connecting, i think! for example, it was just really offhand but after doing the cross country I CAME SEVENTH IN 16 YEAR OLD GIRLS /CHOKED SOBBING and i'm still really proud of that ehe but basically i was just waiting for my friends to pop up at the finish line when i just made conversation with ladybug guy and it was just really nice and friendly and all and we were just talking about the places we came, i was like how'd you go man? :) and he was like i came sixth, and i was like WOAH SERIOUSLY MAN?? that is so cool coz like i came seventh and he was like wow sweet!! and we high fived and high fives warm my heart ;;; and then we began talking about fitness and stuff and while it was a very brief conversation it was really nice to share the same kind of achievement with someone??

and even during running it was so great, along the track i passed by people i knew from my year and some just called out "go jesse!" and "keep it up!" and having that kind of encouragement handed to you, iunno it just really touched me for some reason and i was so happy and honoured to be on the receiving end of those short statements

aND FRIENDS ARE LIKE SO COOL OKAY SO

cinnamon and hamilla, i was just talking about how i was so ready to crosS THE COUNTRY and all and cinnamon and hamilla were like hey you go girl; i have no idea where my other friends were at the moment and i was like thank you ;; and talking about encouragement, while i was beginning to run, they were the ones who were like yEAH U GO JESSE and i was like sobbing on the inside just marvelling at how great my friends were and especially when i finished the race and met up with them, literally my heart was just heating up in there because after the race when i told them my place, they just smiled so much and it really felt like they were really happy for me and just that, the notion of them being happy for me being happy was just so amazing and that feeling is just one i want to capture in a tiny glass bottle and clip it to a necklace so that it's always there and close to my heart and so i never forget it

and they hugged me even though we were all seriously sweating like beasts and probably swapped too many germs to mention

but it was just so nice y'know?

my friends are seriously...... all angels............ i honestly can't stress that enough..

there was this feeling of guilty 'YEAH man i can be a good runner'/victorious type of feel when i passed by this group distinctly related to fish (that maths dude from waaay back) but basically the reasons consisted of the fact that the guys went first and girls went second so like i'd caught up to them B) and i heard one of them saying something akin to "huh wow smiths hill girls represent"

like yeah man i'm so powerful i'm gonna run up a storm if u kno what i mean......

n... ... okay no it's okay if you don't know what i mean i don't.. really know what i mean either but i'm thinking up a dust cloud u know how u run really fast you create dust clouds

anyway

the same day on cross country, i'll go chronologically-

usually i come really late to school and so sometimes i face that dilemma of all your friends sitting at a fully occupied table and having to sit on your lonesome at some other distant, isolated table and try to look like a cool lone wolf while doing so and not some sad individual discreetly or not so discreetly sending winks at your friends and hoping your being sensual lures them to migrate towards you instead

actually you can act either way and they wouldn't be better or worse than the other but the point is, i'd faced that dilemma in my first class that day, a wednesday, meaning i had english first which meant haz/bri-chi/skipper/cinnamon were in my class. perfect four, y'see what i'm getting at?

so i entered the room and ducked my head in some weird head-nod acknowledgement to my teacher who has announced that a pet peeve of hers is people coming late and she nodded and took my late note off me and i kinda just made a :') face to the four friends sitting at the perfect square table in the middle of the room, all seats obviously taken by four perfect butts and so i went ahead and plopped /my/ butt to my usual seat which was at a 6-seater table

and first haz stood up gathered her bag and was like cya dudes and came to the table i was at and probably my eyes sparkled in that moment and i felt a rush of love for her as she also plopped her pooper on the table i sat at and then out of the corner of my eye i saw the other three doin some crazy telepathic nods and exchange of eye contact with each other and then all of them stood and relocated to my table and i just felt like MAN my friends are SO cool like YEAH this is so cool FRIENDS and miss just kinda like iunno i think it was all silent and miss was just like wow ok and i was like crying on the inside, it seriously just made my day and i was like god i am so blessed

and yeah

so that's story one and this is story two

is it safe to establish that i've begun liking someone again? :/

it was probably established in the last few posts but they were vague

if the transcript at the beginning of the post isn't clear enough, i've kinda fallen into that stage again where i literally did just go to the last day of school in hopes of maybe just seeing jude and saying a first 'hello',.. y'know? haha

it's horrible because on tuesday there was a japanese hsc I AM SOBBING BECAUSE ohohhhohoohohhhh my goododoododdod there was this one question right, and it went like this - it was a listening task and you had to answer questions based on it but basically it went

"shukudai o wasurenaide, gakkou ni mottekite ne"

shukudai = homework
wasuremasu = the verb form: 'to forget"
wasuremasen = the formal for way of saying 'not forget'
wasurenai = the informal version of 'not forget' like e.g shukudai o wasurenai ne. hai, wasurenakatta.
ugh it depends on how you say it so this is probably a really difficult explanation :/

but basically wasurenaide is a command (the de at the end makes it so//which branches off into the te form which would be a whole 'nother thing to explain) and it means "don't forget your homework"

the second sentence says bring it to school okay?

buT THE THING IS /SOB

that 'naide' may also mean 'without' depending on the context, for example, benkyou o shinaide, shiken o uketa

which means without studying, i took a test

AND GUESS WHAT I WROTE

"without forgetting your homework, bring it to school"

like at first i was like 'don't forget your homework, bring it to school' and like i was pretty sure about that but then as i looked at it more, as i REALLY looked at it and began picking apart eVERYTHING (which i shouldn't have done), i became unsure and was like crap what if its the other form... what if......... and so i wrote 'without' instead which makes even LESS grammatical sense but i wanted to 'be sure' /sob so that's a mistake i made i'm crying

anyway

back on topic, i really wanted to say good luck to jude, i really did and it's such a small thing but i was so ready

we were wearing mufti that day and man i was so ready, preparing clothes and thinking 'this outfit looks good'

but he was absent that day and i was secretly a bit dismayed at that, yeah

isn't it so interesting how people can impact you like that? so cool right?

and then the next day which was cross country, i was so ready i was like yeah i'm going to do my hardest and if i do well it'll show and if it'll show would it impress him? would that be alright for me to hope for? and also this want to see him there and show off was definitely present as i searched for what would be suitable to wear for that run and he wasn't there again but then i did something that day that made me backtrack and think 'wow ok'

but so omoiyari (src buddy member man who is too A+ to handle tbh, such a cool guy) was trying to rope in yellow house members (hello!!) to take a group photo and i heard that siren call man so i pulled up my friend turtle (hint: her last name starts with turt - also that day it was sooo good we talked to each other more and we already get along so well and it was just beautiful talking with her and bonding!!!!) and we took a group pic and then it was time for a house captain picture and okay so jude's yellow's house captain along with omoiyari right; i knew that

i knew that....

and so i was talking to omoiyari

and i began saying, "oh yeah, so who is the other house captain? we have another guy right...?"

and omoiyari was like "OH yeah that's jude, he's either at isa or taking a day off lol"

and i was like "isa??" and omoiyari nodded and was like "yea it's that travelling music group" and i think i know it, they have purple shirts when they show up and they do really neat performances and i was like "ah okay that's sweet"

and in the back of my mind, something's telling me that omoiyari knows why i asked that but hey it's all g, though what might make it more obvious is that i've asked omoiyari advice on the topic of how to talk to people you don't really have common interests with but honestly i did that cause i trust omoiyari and i really do think he's a good person to talk to

so yeah

it was the fact that wow man i feigned ignorance and did that..... i'm so sly....... shady.......... slim shady................. shady..........................

........................

yeah....................... shady........ /shakes head and frowns

okay anyway

i've been reading poetry lately (lol save me before i become some cheesy cringe-ball) and it amazes me how so much power can be put into words

and here was something i was writing which readers, you might find incredibly cringy don't judge me tho i think we've passed the judgement stage and if we haven't maybe i've been doing something wrong but: (((if you want it ask for the link lol i changed my mind and was like WOAH it's cringy so if u want it ask me in real life if you know me <3)))

anyway i've been using snapchat lately and here are some quality snaps:

nail painting is becoming a thing B)

bri-chi convinced me to try a topknot for the cross-country but my hair was too short in the end

the motherhen at night

the motherhen threatening me

the bro and i

x9000

me being gangsta

motherhen trying to lay down the law (ur not my MOTHER motherhen...... u can't control me,e,,e......)

have a good day! :)

OH WAIT

so its holidays right

i went to motherhen's house the other day to practice for music camp which is happening like the day after school resumes

and we're singing this

and MAN if i say so myself we make a beautiful pair i'm just saying we're gonna be sooo cool B))) it's our synergy; we came to the conclusion after talking about hot cross buns that we, combined, are an evolved version of nicki minaj; anaconda is our jam

lookie here B)

and i'm thinking i'll use soundcloud more often, huh...

-jesse out yo, stay safe!!