it's 9:57am and i will start studying in half an hour! promise!
so it's been quite some time! i think it's very interesting to see how i've begun making entries less and less while becoming more and more preoccupied with life and the interesting/amazing/sometimes stressful things that are going, such as the HSC, i've literally only made one previous entry this year and that's crazy!
firstly... let me just list a bunch of things that i should talk about in terms of where my current mental state + ambitions are at --
1 > family
2 > dreams for life // views on studying? university? the changes to come?
3 > school life
4 > poetry
5 > little goals that may or may not be achieved
---
ok idk when I started that draft but let's see if I can continue where I left out lolol it's 2:38pm right now and the date is hopefully the date I will publish this draft on :)))
my buddy, how life has changed.
firstly, this leads into #4 listed up there but I did eng ext 2 as part of my HSC course (which now I can legit say it is OVER and I made it through and everyone else who did should feel proud of themselves and give themselves a good, wholesome rest!), and my major work was a suite of poems. i'm not sure if I wrote about this in a past entry but those poems were detailing the actions of those around me and how they impacted on the person I am today. if I can still recall correctly there were 5 poems, centring on family, friends, my brother, my teacher and myself. i'd kind of like to post the poems here but they're really long! but anyway the first was the heaviest because it was a mixture of my feelings at the time of the previous blog posts about the whole situation with my parents and their impact on me. but as such, everything passes and it's only natural that you either come to terms with experiences or at least learn things from them and I think i'm able to say that I've done both, perhaps.
my conclusions from the past entries have been this:
1. it's not like I've forgiven my dad for the things he did. I don't respect what he did nor how he fails to apologise for it. but I respect him because a lot of my opportunities and pleasures in life could have been lost if he had decided to leave my mum and my brother back when I wasn't yet born. because of my dad I've been able to make memories I wouldn't have, I have been able to go to places and do things I wouldn't have been able to do without his support. and unlike the figure I portray in the poetry with a "mouth cured by salt", the lone fisherman that spends too much time on a screen rather than addressing those real life issues-- dad is unmistakably human and although mistakes hurt, people can still heal and people can come to make do with what their circumstances have given them. I kind of feel like I'm rambling but my main point is, is that if I had a longer time period to finish that suite of poems the first poem about family would not be ending with this:
"By now the pain is long gone,
and so is that daughter.
She has grown different now,
though she used to be mine,
and by extension yours,
she is different now.
No longer a princess,
still spoiled a lot,
but with a sword in her hand
she knows what she's got.
And what she doesn't."
Or maybe it would end the same, at least with that conclusive tone. But I think the portrayal of the people in that poem would be different and more fleshed out. It's weird, y'know? For all the struggles and moments of spite, I love all of my family pretty much beyond words. I find it very easy to communicate my affection for my friends, SO easily, because I know that we only have a limited time together, but I find that with my family it can be so hard for some reason. I think it's probably because there is that part of my that takes them for granted and therefore it's very easy to see all the faults in one another. But I guess, thanks to my dream of wanting to go to Japan and all the experiences I've had this year with realisations of impermanence, I want to say that I've become more perceptive to the things that I should be grateful towards. I actually really love my mum and dad and seeing them happy makes me so happy I could cry (i'm a crybaby after all). It's because I know how hard they work to support me and I know I'm asking a lot from them and that I'm really lucky to be living like I am. I really treasure seeing them happy, so it kind of hurts me to think that in my journey towards achieving my dream, I am impacting on them and how they can live in the future. I want to be able to provide for myself, so I am hoping to get a job very soon (since it's the end of HSC).
To give more info, I got a 65% scholarship to go study in Japan next year and that's always been my dream. 65% because it's a tuition reduction scholarship covering the years I'll be studying there e.g 4, and while obviously the higher the better, it's actually fair enough considering how I am from a developed country and that's honestly quite a bit of money anyway to be reduced from all the fees. btw sorry if my writing is weird and there's caps and suddenly no caps and no grammar, it's because I usually write without proper grammar usage but i'm on my laptop so it automatically corrects things lol.
ANYWAY TO QUICKLY SUM UP EVERYTHING I WANTED TO GO THRU W/ #1 on the list: only recently it's struck me how important family can be. actually i'll tell u an anecdote. so basically the other day I was making pork floss with my dad because he was like 'u should see how much time this takes' and I was like 'well ok I'm finished with exams now so I can help :D' and so my eyes were opened actually to how much effort and time it took! and you know, I've always found it hard to talk with my dad. or I guess not really hard so to say but I never really made much of an effort to talk to him much because I was always afraid it would spiral into the direction of him saying something i'd disagree with and then both of us ending up in a bad mood. but the other day I asked him about his childhood because i'd heard from mum that his family used to own a restaurant. so dad told me about his father and how his father owned a restaurant but died due to a mosquito bite when dad was really young, and so his mum and the rest of his siblings had to work really hard in order to make money. so his mum made pork floss often and dad helped and they sold food to make a living. it makes sense because pork floss is dried meat and essentially should last for a long time.
you know a similar story is my mum's childhood. mum sometimes gets into a nostalgic mood and ends up telling me stories and she told me about how living in poverty was for her as a kid with her family, and how her mother often went around to the neighbours to ask for rice but the neighbours shut them out because they had to think about their own families. she told me how her mother used to buy one fish and they had to share it between I think 6 kids? and how more often than not they simply ate rice with diluted coffee to flavour it.
it struck me how different lives can be, how really, really different they can be. and although there's the saying money can't buy happiness, it really can. it's SO important in this world, so SO important in giving opportunities and paving way for happiness. but also, it's because money is so important that we should savour the things we already have such as the people around us.
so yeah. sum of point #1 is i'm grateful for family and I really want to be able to give back to my parents when I have a job later on in life. I want them to experience the beauty of japan as I have. I want to do them proud.
as for #2 I feel like I don't have much to say on that right now except now that I've gotten the scholarship I have a basis to work off for paying for the rest of the fees such as living costs/the 35% tuition/etc. and that there's a lot of prep to do in order to officially enrol such as submitting heaps of documents and getting a student visa and all and honestly that process is so intimidating haha I admittedly lost sleep last night thinking about it and how i'm scared and anxious about the things that could go wrong such as missing deadlines and ending up losing the scholarship. i'm scared to be happy because I still need to take steps in order to ensure that the dream that is so close can fully be achieved. so i'll save my happiness for the day I meet the deadlines. that means i'll make another post in February 2017 which is the last deadline for document submission/enrolment fees. wish me luck? haha
#3 (school life) has ended,,, uhh not much to say about that too except I know i'll miss high school. and thank you for the memories.
#4!!! so I've gotten into poetry thanks to ext eng 2!!! :D I think it's been quite an eye opener to me as a person and to the things I like about other people and random things in life. well firstly i feel things so intensely lol and i like to be able to write about the feelings i get from my experiences because it sort of immortalises that in writing and acts as a reminder. i love that. i also like other people who can feel things intensely, as in, people who are passionate. i love people who can find such beauty in small things. i love people who get lost talking about the things they love. it's so beautiful to feel things intensely and to be passionate. yeah! so sometimes when i'm listening to Claire play the piano or just meditating at home or just listening to music or just day to day things, i get into this poetry mood and it feels really good when that happens. i don't know how to explain 'good' but maybe one day i'll write a poem about that :) I've been compiling docs of draft poems so maybe when i refine some of them or maybe if i just get the time, i'll post them on here :) :D
aaaand as for #5... i have a lot of little goals !!!!
long term is:
> get REALLY fit and get good at dancing
> get good at cooking and compile a recipe book of home recipes to bring to japan
> learn the ukulele/practice
> learn how to do make-up!
> keep learning Japanese
> learn korean
short term is:
- get a mini telescope for STAR GAZING !!!!!! !!!!
- get more clothes if possible??
- do vlogging!!! get a camera in time for japan!!
and i may add to these goals over time!! :D
so yeah!!!
here is my update which also signals the end of high school and the beginning of my future and awesome things (i hope).
as always, thank you for reading :D it's weird to look back on all my past entries and i'm fearful that i will one day and that everything will be cringe worthy lol but at least know that i won't change a thing about them lol,,,
stay safe, healthy and happy readers :DD <3
- jesse
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Tuesday, 1 November 2016
Friday, 15 April 2016
entry 36
it's really interesting y'know
so the update i was supposed to make was basically just gonna be a recount of how i showed the costs of scholarship etc to the university i want to get into to my parents, and when i showed it to my dad it surprised me because it felt like he was really taking me seriously, he looked at it and said yeah, if you get this scholarship or this one, we can afford to send you there.
and for me that kind of felt as if he was was putting belief into what i wanted to do related to japanese and even trust into me for going overseas by myself, it's a huge decision and having my parents' support for it, despite their worries which can get a little ~~ sometimes, well, it made me happy.
the whole drama from before, what has it been, a few months yeah? WOAH 2015. WELL HAPPY NEW YEAR LOL wow i didn't update for a long time!!! well, it kind of just... died down. i guess everything passes and so did this, and who knows if it'll arise again.
but anyway, referring to 'what's interesting'...
family dynamics!
i'd like to just write out some interesting thoughts and stuff i've had on that.
reader, does your family eat dinner together very often? probably an equal amount do and don't, or, well, i'm not too sure. my family doesn't but i've been going to motherhen's house and seeing the type of family that does, and it makes me so happy. hearing such uplifting nonchalant chatter makes me so happy and even more so being involved in it makes bonding feel so important and before i might've actually believed and told you that family might not mean that much to me, save for individuals in the family who i could get along with.
family is an interesting concept to many people and it might be a barely-there concept or something incredibly obvious. to me, i guess, for a girl who experiences eating dinner with family as either 1) for special occasions and jolly when everyone's in a good mood (a bit rare nowadays, especially with my bro's leave to sydney), 2) just me and another family member either my dad or mum sitting there in silence while i eat and they go on their phone so i bring out my phone too, or until one of us makes some kind of small talk, or 3) me and my parents together in an awkward silence because my parents don't get along well with each other. either my mum makes small talk and dad says something in his blunt way and then there's an awkward silence. not really sure how to explain it properly to convey how kind of saddening it can be to me, and even then i'm not sure if i'm making a big deal out of the fact i find it disheartening or if it maybe is a little to other people, i'm not really sure.
it made me think about having my own family someday, and what eating dinner with that family would be like. right now, because everyone works and comes home at different times or dad goes to sydney, we all eat dinner separately and it's just become a thing that i make myself dinner and go to my computer, and mum makes her dinner separately when she comes home at ten and eats in the lounge, or dad's absence during dinner times or him eating dinner at random patterns whether in the kitchen or in the lounge or etc.
i don't know, i guess i had this weird worry that maybe my own family would be like that or maybe i'd be so used to doing things individually that i wouldn't properly be able to have some kind of family-bonding dinner session like other families can have, but i already know it, and i've been told it, that if i want something it i can make it happen and just because i grew up with it and my parents are like x and y, it doesn't mean i'll become like my parents.
....
anyway, those were ramblings that had been on my mind lately.
also that bonding is a good thing but it can be difficult? i don't know... my dad often goes to sydney and sometimes invites me but in those times i usually answer that i have homework and am busy.
i guess for me... it's not that i haven't gotten along with family in sydney but i definitely feel more comfortable if either my bro or cousin are there with me on the trip to sydney, instead of just me and my dad, and me left to be with those sydney relatives. my dad invited me to go to dinner with his sister and him today.... and like... with that invitation he was like, but you're busy with your own life huh? and i was like mm... i was planning to do homework today... and he was like ya bye and i was like bye...
and i know it's the holidays and stuff and i do balance work vs social life but...
that "busy with your own life" line prompted me to think of where i'll be next year, at university and in japan and I'LL GET THERE JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE, I'LL GET THERE OK. but anyway it made me think of how limited time there actually was and the importance of making the most of it.
i love the atmosphere when everyone in my family is happy and we're all getting along and i definitely want more of it but i guess it's that awkward side of me that fears how easy it is to get upset or feel disconnection with e.g sometimes my parents? even though they mean a lot to me and i respect both of them, it's easy to lose sight of that i guess because we don't always get along and don't make those chances, even though for me i can see how i could make those chances by accepting invitations to go to sydney etc...
i'm not asking for advice, i think, i'm just... kind of figuring out my thoughts about this. i do that a lot by writing, i think, which is why for my eng ext 2 work i'm writing a suite of poetry about, it's gonna sound cheesy but, "the actions of people which have had a transformative effect on the person i am today" and it's split into categories of parents, brother, teacher, friends and myself.
yeah.
on a different note,
school has been going awesomely!!! half yearlies are over and i did try my best and i'm happy with my results and it just shows that if you do try your best, you will improve and won't regret anything. then you can use those results and the mistakes you made to just learn more and improve, and that's more inspiring than anything.
i'll probably have more to update you on later but this is all i can think of for now :)
but hey, i'll leave you guys with a quote!!!
"You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say."
-jesse
so the update i was supposed to make was basically just gonna be a recount of how i showed the costs of scholarship etc to the university i want to get into to my parents, and when i showed it to my dad it surprised me because it felt like he was really taking me seriously, he looked at it and said yeah, if you get this scholarship or this one, we can afford to send you there.
and for me that kind of felt as if he was was putting belief into what i wanted to do related to japanese and even trust into me for going overseas by myself, it's a huge decision and having my parents' support for it, despite their worries which can get a little ~~ sometimes, well, it made me happy.
the whole drama from before, what has it been, a few months yeah? WOAH 2015. WELL HAPPY NEW YEAR LOL wow i didn't update for a long time!!! well, it kind of just... died down. i guess everything passes and so did this, and who knows if it'll arise again.
but anyway, referring to 'what's interesting'...
family dynamics!
i'd like to just write out some interesting thoughts and stuff i've had on that.
reader, does your family eat dinner together very often? probably an equal amount do and don't, or, well, i'm not too sure. my family doesn't but i've been going to motherhen's house and seeing the type of family that does, and it makes me so happy. hearing such uplifting nonchalant chatter makes me so happy and even more so being involved in it makes bonding feel so important and before i might've actually believed and told you that family might not mean that much to me, save for individuals in the family who i could get along with.
family is an interesting concept to many people and it might be a barely-there concept or something incredibly obvious. to me, i guess, for a girl who experiences eating dinner with family as either 1) for special occasions and jolly when everyone's in a good mood (a bit rare nowadays, especially with my bro's leave to sydney), 2) just me and another family member either my dad or mum sitting there in silence while i eat and they go on their phone so i bring out my phone too, or until one of us makes some kind of small talk, or 3) me and my parents together in an awkward silence because my parents don't get along well with each other. either my mum makes small talk and dad says something in his blunt way and then there's an awkward silence. not really sure how to explain it properly to convey how kind of saddening it can be to me, and even then i'm not sure if i'm making a big deal out of the fact i find it disheartening or if it maybe is a little to other people, i'm not really sure.
it made me think about having my own family someday, and what eating dinner with that family would be like. right now, because everyone works and comes home at different times or dad goes to sydney, we all eat dinner separately and it's just become a thing that i make myself dinner and go to my computer, and mum makes her dinner separately when she comes home at ten and eats in the lounge, or dad's absence during dinner times or him eating dinner at random patterns whether in the kitchen or in the lounge or etc.
i don't know, i guess i had this weird worry that maybe my own family would be like that or maybe i'd be so used to doing things individually that i wouldn't properly be able to have some kind of family-bonding dinner session like other families can have, but i already know it, and i've been told it, that if i want something it i can make it happen and just because i grew up with it and my parents are like x and y, it doesn't mean i'll become like my parents.
....
anyway, those were ramblings that had been on my mind lately.
also that bonding is a good thing but it can be difficult? i don't know... my dad often goes to sydney and sometimes invites me but in those times i usually answer that i have homework and am busy.
i guess for me... it's not that i haven't gotten along with family in sydney but i definitely feel more comfortable if either my bro or cousin are there with me on the trip to sydney, instead of just me and my dad, and me left to be with those sydney relatives. my dad invited me to go to dinner with his sister and him today.... and like... with that invitation he was like, but you're busy with your own life huh? and i was like mm... i was planning to do homework today... and he was like ya bye and i was like bye...
and i know it's the holidays and stuff and i do balance work vs social life but...
that "busy with your own life" line prompted me to think of where i'll be next year, at university and in japan and I'LL GET THERE JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE, I'LL GET THERE OK. but anyway it made me think of how limited time there actually was and the importance of making the most of it.
i love the atmosphere when everyone in my family is happy and we're all getting along and i definitely want more of it but i guess it's that awkward side of me that fears how easy it is to get upset or feel disconnection with e.g sometimes my parents? even though they mean a lot to me and i respect both of them, it's easy to lose sight of that i guess because we don't always get along and don't make those chances, even though for me i can see how i could make those chances by accepting invitations to go to sydney etc...
i'm not asking for advice, i think, i'm just... kind of figuring out my thoughts about this. i do that a lot by writing, i think, which is why for my eng ext 2 work i'm writing a suite of poetry about, it's gonna sound cheesy but, "the actions of people which have had a transformative effect on the person i am today" and it's split into categories of parents, brother, teacher, friends and myself.
yeah.
on a different note,
school has been going awesomely!!! half yearlies are over and i did try my best and i'm happy with my results and it just shows that if you do try your best, you will improve and won't regret anything. then you can use those results and the mistakes you made to just learn more and improve, and that's more inspiring than anything.
i'll probably have more to update you on later but this is all i can think of for now :)
but hey, i'll leave you guys with a quote!!!
"You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say."
-jesse
Saturday, 19 December 2015
entry 35
[low key screaming]
i'm really tired man
came back from an AWESOME camping trip today but basically we swam so much and body-boarding is actually so fun and i've come to appreciate the safety of lit roads and stable ground after walking to 海's house at 9pm and coming back down a cliff and feeling like a baby deer the whole way squatting and tightly sweatily gripping 海's offered hand and arriving back at the campsite at 11
save me from hell
ummm so on another note
things have been hectic, i guess
even just now, writing it up here like this makes me tired but not in that physical way /sigh
i guess i'll start from the start seeing as i'll have to as i haven't posted anything about it here or really, anything at all on here, in ages
so it began probably the day before i went to the doctors one day with a container of oatmeal at the ready for morning travels because i'm dedicated to my oatmeal
but the night before there was some kind of fight between my parents just over something really silly like it usually is and in the car on the way to the doctors my mum was the driver and she as always after these kind of things she was like, "do u see how he treats me jesse??' and i was like yea....... but like usually what i used to say was "all you have to do is just like talk to him??? try not to rise to his anger and just talk calmly???" because the fault lies in both in that they allow things to escalate so much with their words
and then mum kind of shut up and after a while she told me this thing that was perfect in time for module a of exams with english - 'discovery'
iunno man trigger alert if ur having family issues or something or you just don't really want to deal with this kind of stuff but i learnt that my dad cheated on my mum and left the family when bro was 5 and it still feels like to me that i make a big deal out of it sometimes but on the other hand the interaction between my mum and my dad affect me and my brother a great deal so maybe i'm justified
but basically when i found that out i was just so disappointed
of course my mum was like 'yeah but if there's one thing i can't fault him for it's him trying to provide for you and joey so don't get angry at ur dad u have to stay the same' and i was like ://// [angst intensifies] and iunno i just felt kinda :/ especially because like i can see how mum probably can't bring herself to try and communicate with dad when he never made the effort for her
i don't really know how her complaints went in full chronological order but they just made me so sad and angry at dad, and she also confided in me one of the things that dad said to her about having a 'second daughter' with that woman he cheated on before, and apparently he said this to her during this time when -- i don't think i ever mentioned it here? it's all a blur to me because i don't know it was a bad time --- but i used to like, scratch myself? they weren't full cuts but i used to try to injure myself and during that time apparently my mum and dad had a big fight and one thing i remember was crying in front of our christmas tree and mum leaving for work angrily and dad gone and joey coming in to try and cheer me up and saying something akin to 'if you think dad will care about what you're doing you're wrong, you just need to show him you're not affected'
but anyway dad said that he didn't care what happened to me if i killed myself or whatnot because he had a second daughter anyway
and mum said she couldn't forgive him for that
so in that car ride to the doctors i was just kind of like haha oh because i guess it just forced me to see things in a different perspective like 'ah that's why bro said that to me' and i began to really just :/ at my dad
i found that i still was grateful for everything that dad has done for me
but those actions of his do not justify the abuse that has constantly appeared through other actions
so in that fight that mum and dad had, i was fighting with dad - he asked me to take out the bins and i said i'd do it later because i was busy doing homework and he just got super angry and went on the argument that i never did anything for him and such and then he went and took out the bins himself and imo became really petty like a few days into the week my light stopped working and i was acting normally around dad, he was ignoring me and i asked for a new light and he said to go find one myself and i was like ok and tried to but couldn't find one and he was like oh well you're going to have to deal and i was like ok lol i'll do hw in joey's room instead
and then i was at my computer one day after the whole shenanigans of learning about the whole 'secret' and stuff, he like went up to me and was pretty ok and his reasoning for being angry that i hadn't taken out the bins was that we have some shady neighbours and going out in daylight is safer than at night and sure ok, i said sorry and that i'd keep that in mind next time but also that he should be understanding when i have homework and don't want to be disturbed
and then he just replied with that argument like no it only takes like 10 minutes just do it and got angry again and like exited the room
and i was like .......... and then i went out and just confronted him and was like yeah well i'm upset about another thing, i know that you cheated on mum
and he was like -silence- that's none of your business that's only between me and her
and i was like no it is my business because you're my dad and what you do affects everyone in the family
and then he got really defensive and was going like what do you want me to do??? kill myself??? don't worry i know you hate me i'll go live somewhere else soon anyway
and i was like ??????? ummmmmm how about saying sorry to mum?? i don't hate you??? literally what you are doing is running away from your problems and not solving anything
and he was like no i can't do that
and i was like why not
and he was like you'll understand when you're an adult
and i was like frankly dad, i don't see any adults in this room right now
and he was like i can't say sorry if i don't mean it
and i was like ??? well maybe this isn't for you maybe this is for mum
and he was like no it won't do anything
and i was like how do you know you haven't even tried anything
and he just wouldn't budge and so i just sighed really loudly and was like then can you at least try to stop fighting with her? and he was like she makes me say things!!!! and i was like uh huh right and he was like "but what i told her about having a second daughter wasn't true" and i was like so you said it to spite her? and he didn't answer and i just like glared at him for a long while (during this i was also having like a panic attack of sorts kind of like when you cry really hard and you start having difficulty breathing and get a bit dizzy and your heart goes weird, and twice during it he tried to hug me but i kind of just either stayed still or pushed him away) but anyway, i just said to dad that i was disappointed in him
and he was like what do you want me to do i'm not a computer
and i linked that back to the first argument we had and said yeah well that goes for us as well we can't do everything you ask us to do straight away maybe we're busy with other things first and he was like ok well tell me when you are and i'll do it and i was like ok do you promise not to get angry?? and he was like yeah
and then it just ended like that
after that i was just still in a state of disappointment with him because he avoided the topic of mum completely.
and then the other day, it was the beginning of the holidays but the context is is that my family is having lots of trouble with money at the moment - when things are stable, it's ok, but recently cars have been breaking down one after the other and then you get tensions rising with both money and family problems and then the first day of the holidays my cousin and i were cutting her dog, panda's, hair and when we put him down, there was growling and my dog rufus and panda got into a fight and panda's jaw got dislocated/broken - still not quite sure but we know it's bad because panda keeps on whining and such
that night i was like dad i think something's wrong with panda's jaw and dad was like ...no it's fine
and then the next day he was like panda's jaw is broken and i was like yeah i told you so and the problem was that surgery for panda would cost heaps of money and giving him top the rspca would still cost a few hundred, and there was also the option of putting him down
now let me first say that this is my cousin's dog and my cousin is currently in phillipines with her mum
and i'm already really hesitant as it is when it comes to money and asking for it because i know it's really difficult for them at the moment and don't want to burden them with anything and added the mounting arguments against me such as them saying that they do everything for me and i do nothing in return, so it makes me not want to ask for anything at all y'know
well i just didn't want panda to be put down because i feel like that'd be such an unfair call to make for him, because he's a young dog and for something like a broken jaw that could be fixed--- like, god y'know???
but basically it all fell to my cousin's decision as it was her dog and so i was discussing it with her on facebook and just her replies just got me so disappointed because it really felt like the only person who was really affected by everything was me and maybe even my dad but all my cousin said was "oh... well it's my mum's decision in the end"
and she kept repeating that argument and i felt so frustrated because sure it was her mum's decision but her say in it was equally important and she could persuade her mum to the choice that we both agreed was the better option e.g rspca
so then the next day we just devised a system where we feed panda soft things until we can afford to send him to the vet and that's what's been happening but basically one time my dad asked me to feed panda it was like 12pmish and usually we feed the dogs at 6ish but i didn't mind so much, i was just making my holiday plan for homework and feeling kind of stressed seeing all the things that needed to be done and i just said ok hold on i'm nearly finished when my dad got super angry again and went on another rant and somehow ended up threatening that he wouldn't support me with money and i was just like ????? then i'll have to get a part time job i guess and he just got even more angry and began saying how i never did anything for him again and how he works so hard and stuff
and i ended up getting another of those panic attacks and i just ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there and tried to calm myself down
like i knew it was partly my fault that i didn't feed panda asap but then dad and went and said those things, and like while i was in the bathroom my mum was outside the door and being angry and saying i had to apologise to dad straight away but i honestly did not feel like i did much wrong and that dad was overreacting again and i asked her to just leave me alone for a moment because i actually couldn't focus and deal with things because of the panic attack and she was like ???? and i tried to explain to her that like i was having a lot of trouble just dealing with things at the moment and she kind of scoffed and was like what are you going to kill yourself??
and that moment i just like went silent and i was so angry, i was thinking things like 'how dare you say that to me' because time and time again that's alway been the threat that mum and dad have used against me in fights, that they'd just 'kill themselves if i didn't care' and stuff and i just said that to mum
and she just kind of stormed off angrily and came back later and just kept saying i had to apologise
it's kind of still going on at the moment, like i'm lucky that i got to go camping in the first place, mum was saying she wouldn't let me go but i had already prepared food for it and stuff and in the end she let me go but on the car ride there she just kept going on about how i 'had to apologise to dad' and i 'better think about what i did' but i'm just finding it hard because i just i honestly feel like i've done nothing much wrong, i know that it's my fault i don't do things straight away and i'm always grateful for what my parents do for me and like yeah i sass and stuff but like ...... i just.......... idk make way for teenage ramblings sdfghj
my worries just remain, and i've said it to the motherhen, but it's that i feel like things just get worse and worse and the more they do i'm afraid i'll keep having these reactions to them and i end up feeling kind of like... just bad ... at the end of things and i know i'll get back to normal -- i was fine camping -- but i'm developing an apprehensiveness to coming home and seeing mum and dad
also edit about something but i went busking and the day i came home in the car like i was tired but mum launched into tons of complaints about everything bad that was happening like cars breaking down and it just made me so like i began getting really antsy and sighed really loudly and like i know mum has to vent these things but it just always happens and it never stops and i think these things do begin piling up and turn into toxicity, so anyway i sighed really loudly and mum was like what are you angry??? and i just asked her to stop and that i didn't want to hear any more and she went silent and i felt kinda bad but like.... this negativity, i feel, is so poisonous and then that night my bro called up and we had a dnm and he agreed and said that that's a huge reason why he doesn't want to come home and that usually it's hard to deal with because mum's phone calls to him are the same in that she asks about his day sometimes but after that just goes on about the bad in hers
and we don't even know what to do about it
but we just confirmed with each other that we were strong and we'd handle all this together and i think our relationship is so important and awesome :') like i owe bro a lot and he's a star and i hope he also feels better with everything that's going on with his job + girlfriend + etc
sometimes its ok but when things are bad things just seem to get worse y'know??
that's kind of a scary thing
but i know i can always find support with my friends and in the christmas spirit in the air!!!
that kind of reminds me w/ my bro but just recently, it was after busking
OH OHO HOOHHOH OMY GOD I HAVE TO TELL EVEROYNE I WENT BUSKING THIS YEAR!!!! AND IT WAS SO AMAZING WE GOT LIKE 400ISH BUCKS IN 2 DAYS AND DUUUDE WE ARE SO AMAZING ok so like WAIT OTHER PEOPLE ARE SO COOL BECAUSE LIKE THIS LADY CAME OUT WITH FRESH JUICE and i think we were singing outside some kind of legal firm or something but she came out and was like 'hey kids if it gets too hot outside you're welcome to come in any time :)' and AAAAAAAAAAA oh my god ;;; it was just so beautiful and just such preciousness is what makes everything worthwhile!! also we were busking with the song 'cant help falling in love with you' and some dude just was walking past and SANG REALLY GOOD AND AFTER THE SONG ENDED HE WAS SLOWLY WALKING AND WE LIKE CLAPPED FOR HIM BECAUSE HIS VOICE WAS ACTUALLY AMAZING
also CAN I JUST SAY LIKE do u guys remember how i like am so :') at my jap teacher well HE'S SO AWESOME ;; CRY OMG so like during the term we were talking about pokemon once and he was telling me how like when he goes to japan in 2019ish ??? he's gonna have to buy lots of pokemon stuff for his son because his son has become obsessed with pokemon and ;; HIS FAITH he was like 'hey you'll be there' and i literally was like ;;;;;;;;;;; YOUR FAITH IN ME ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and was like 'SIR YUO HAEV TO COME VISIT ME' and he was like oh for sure we've never been to kyushu before so :))) and i was like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and i was just really happy ;;; WHAT A ;;;; WHAT A MAN ;;;;; like
i don't want to settle for anything less than studying in japan and i will try my very best this coming year, 2016
OOOH HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS ABOUT UMBRELLA???
as part of an initiative (as captain i guess you could say, but in general for what the school lacks), with the help of friends we organised a mental health awareness + support group called Umbrella and it's called Umbrella because mental health is often related to clouds above your head/rain but Umbrella will be there to support you along the way y'know
haha well you get the gist
and i'm so happy
like it took quite a bit of organisation and seeing a bunch of teachers, setting a room up for meetings to take place and making a plan for meetings and on each meeting, figuring out what to talk about and what to focus on in terms of goals and such but i'm so happy and glad because we actually have quite a few people coming along to join the club on wednesday lunch times and recently for festivus (which was amazing it had sumo wrestling griffo vs anstey and GRIFFO WON and i was supporting him the whole way against rabia who supported anstey /lols, and performances and awesome stalls) and ok recently for festivus umbrella sold hot and cold drinks and made like $118?? this will go towards beyond blue so!!! I'm SO HAPPY because man i find that pretty successful!!!
rhys is this amazing guy in the years below me but he's so passionate about everything and he just makes me so happy because of the effort he puts into stuff like he made 7 litres of ice tea which didn't end up getting sold much due to all the other drinks and people preferring hot drinks due to the surprisingly cold weather but honestly rhys is such a brave soul and volunteered to talk about his experiences with stress in one meeting
AND ALSO IT WAS SO COOL like we had a stress management meeting before exams and alumni came in and talked about stuff and so did rhys and we have minutes with the advice compiled on it and it's pinned outside on our NOTICE BOARD dO U KNO HOW COOL THAT IS but also like I'M SO HAPPY because like i hope it'll be helpful to kids !!!!! like !!! man!!!! and the COUNSELLOR WAS LIKE hey jesse i'm happy because this group is going well and thank you for your effort in making this group and i was like ;;;;;;;; I'm SO GLAD like NO PROBLEM AT ALL
and like goood OMG ALSO FOR THE UMBRELLA STALL THIS GIRL SAM VOLUNTEERED TO MAKE POSTERS AND AAAAAA THE YWERE SO BEAUTIFUL I WAS ACTUALLY SO HAPPY AND OMG I'M SO HAPPY THAT UMBRELLA HAS SO MANY PASSIONATE BEAUTIFUL HELPFUL MEMBERS LIKE WOW!!!!!!!
YEAH!!!!!
i think it's so important to recognise like all the good things that are happening outside of the house y'know and school and my friends and all the amazing things that others achieve are so worthwhile and keep me grounded
so yeah
holidays have begun and you bet your BUTTS they'll be PRODUCTIVE i have to make griffo proud with JAP WORK!!! AAAAAAAAAAA
ok but maybe not today i'm so tired today :')
tomorrow/// I WILL DO A LOT .......
YEAH
WISH ME LUCK>!??!?!?!?! (i don't need luck i have DETERMINATION aaaa that reminds me undertale is a good game and i'm learning new americana by halsey (AWESOME SINGER MAN) on the piano and one punch man + haikyuu season 2 IS WHAT ENRICHES MY SOUL AAA and yeah nice BD)
see you and i hope everyone has AMAZING things come to then in the end of this year and the year to come. HOPE YOU SMILE HEAPS TODAY!!!! and don't worry about me too much if you are... i just need to get things off my chest sometimes and talk to people and i'll be fine, i'm a spry youth
i'm really tired man
came back from an AWESOME camping trip today but basically we swam so much and body-boarding is actually so fun and i've come to appreciate the safety of lit roads and stable ground after walking to 海's house at 9pm and coming back down a cliff and feeling like a baby deer the whole way squatting and tightly sweatily gripping 海's offered hand and arriving back at the campsite at 11
save me from hell
ummm so on another note
things have been hectic, i guess
even just now, writing it up here like this makes me tired but not in that physical way /sigh
i guess i'll start from the start seeing as i'll have to as i haven't posted anything about it here or really, anything at all on here, in ages
so it began probably the day before i went to the doctors one day with a container of oatmeal at the ready for morning travels because i'm dedicated to my oatmeal
but the night before there was some kind of fight between my parents just over something really silly like it usually is and in the car on the way to the doctors my mum was the driver and she as always after these kind of things she was like, "do u see how he treats me jesse??' and i was like yea....... but like usually what i used to say was "all you have to do is just like talk to him??? try not to rise to his anger and just talk calmly???" because the fault lies in both in that they allow things to escalate so much with their words
and then mum kind of shut up and after a while she told me this thing that was perfect in time for module a of exams with english - 'discovery'
iunno man trigger alert if ur having family issues or something or you just don't really want to deal with this kind of stuff but i learnt that my dad cheated on my mum and left the family when bro was 5 and it still feels like to me that i make a big deal out of it sometimes but on the other hand the interaction between my mum and my dad affect me and my brother a great deal so maybe i'm justified
but basically when i found that out i was just so disappointed
of course my mum was like 'yeah but if there's one thing i can't fault him for it's him trying to provide for you and joey so don't get angry at ur dad u have to stay the same' and i was like ://// [angst intensifies] and iunno i just felt kinda :/ especially because like i can see how mum probably can't bring herself to try and communicate with dad when he never made the effort for her
i don't really know how her complaints went in full chronological order but they just made me so sad and angry at dad, and she also confided in me one of the things that dad said to her about having a 'second daughter' with that woman he cheated on before, and apparently he said this to her during this time when -- i don't think i ever mentioned it here? it's all a blur to me because i don't know it was a bad time --- but i used to like, scratch myself? they weren't full cuts but i used to try to injure myself and during that time apparently my mum and dad had a big fight and one thing i remember was crying in front of our christmas tree and mum leaving for work angrily and dad gone and joey coming in to try and cheer me up and saying something akin to 'if you think dad will care about what you're doing you're wrong, you just need to show him you're not affected'
but anyway dad said that he didn't care what happened to me if i killed myself or whatnot because he had a second daughter anyway
and mum said she couldn't forgive him for that
so in that car ride to the doctors i was just kind of like haha oh because i guess it just forced me to see things in a different perspective like 'ah that's why bro said that to me' and i began to really just :/ at my dad
i found that i still was grateful for everything that dad has done for me
but those actions of his do not justify the abuse that has constantly appeared through other actions
so in that fight that mum and dad had, i was fighting with dad - he asked me to take out the bins and i said i'd do it later because i was busy doing homework and he just got super angry and went on the argument that i never did anything for him and such and then he went and took out the bins himself and imo became really petty like a few days into the week my light stopped working and i was acting normally around dad, he was ignoring me and i asked for a new light and he said to go find one myself and i was like ok and tried to but couldn't find one and he was like oh well you're going to have to deal and i was like ok lol i'll do hw in joey's room instead
and then i was at my computer one day after the whole shenanigans of learning about the whole 'secret' and stuff, he like went up to me and was pretty ok and his reasoning for being angry that i hadn't taken out the bins was that we have some shady neighbours and going out in daylight is safer than at night and sure ok, i said sorry and that i'd keep that in mind next time but also that he should be understanding when i have homework and don't want to be disturbed
and then he just replied with that argument like no it only takes like 10 minutes just do it and got angry again and like exited the room
and i was like .......... and then i went out and just confronted him and was like yeah well i'm upset about another thing, i know that you cheated on mum
and he was like -silence- that's none of your business that's only between me and her
and i was like no it is my business because you're my dad and what you do affects everyone in the family
and then he got really defensive and was going like what do you want me to do??? kill myself??? don't worry i know you hate me i'll go live somewhere else soon anyway
and i was like ??????? ummmmmm how about saying sorry to mum?? i don't hate you??? literally what you are doing is running away from your problems and not solving anything
and he was like no i can't do that
and i was like why not
and he was like you'll understand when you're an adult
and i was like frankly dad, i don't see any adults in this room right now
and he was like i can't say sorry if i don't mean it
and i was like ??? well maybe this isn't for you maybe this is for mum
and he was like no it won't do anything
and i was like how do you know you haven't even tried anything
and he just wouldn't budge and so i just sighed really loudly and was like then can you at least try to stop fighting with her? and he was like she makes me say things!!!! and i was like uh huh right and he was like "but what i told her about having a second daughter wasn't true" and i was like so you said it to spite her? and he didn't answer and i just like glared at him for a long while (during this i was also having like a panic attack of sorts kind of like when you cry really hard and you start having difficulty breathing and get a bit dizzy and your heart goes weird, and twice during it he tried to hug me but i kind of just either stayed still or pushed him away) but anyway, i just said to dad that i was disappointed in him
and he was like what do you want me to do i'm not a computer
and i linked that back to the first argument we had and said yeah well that goes for us as well we can't do everything you ask us to do straight away maybe we're busy with other things first and he was like ok well tell me when you are and i'll do it and i was like ok do you promise not to get angry?? and he was like yeah
and then it just ended like that
after that i was just still in a state of disappointment with him because he avoided the topic of mum completely.
and then the other day, it was the beginning of the holidays but the context is is that my family is having lots of trouble with money at the moment - when things are stable, it's ok, but recently cars have been breaking down one after the other and then you get tensions rising with both money and family problems and then the first day of the holidays my cousin and i were cutting her dog, panda's, hair and when we put him down, there was growling and my dog rufus and panda got into a fight and panda's jaw got dislocated/broken - still not quite sure but we know it's bad because panda keeps on whining and such
that night i was like dad i think something's wrong with panda's jaw and dad was like ...no it's fine
and then the next day he was like panda's jaw is broken and i was like yeah i told you so and the problem was that surgery for panda would cost heaps of money and giving him top the rspca would still cost a few hundred, and there was also the option of putting him down
now let me first say that this is my cousin's dog and my cousin is currently in phillipines with her mum
and i'm already really hesitant as it is when it comes to money and asking for it because i know it's really difficult for them at the moment and don't want to burden them with anything and added the mounting arguments against me such as them saying that they do everything for me and i do nothing in return, so it makes me not want to ask for anything at all y'know
well i just didn't want panda to be put down because i feel like that'd be such an unfair call to make for him, because he's a young dog and for something like a broken jaw that could be fixed--- like, god y'know???
but basically it all fell to my cousin's decision as it was her dog and so i was discussing it with her on facebook and just her replies just got me so disappointed because it really felt like the only person who was really affected by everything was me and maybe even my dad but all my cousin said was "oh... well it's my mum's decision in the end"
and she kept repeating that argument and i felt so frustrated because sure it was her mum's decision but her say in it was equally important and she could persuade her mum to the choice that we both agreed was the better option e.g rspca
so then the next day we just devised a system where we feed panda soft things until we can afford to send him to the vet and that's what's been happening but basically one time my dad asked me to feed panda it was like 12pmish and usually we feed the dogs at 6ish but i didn't mind so much, i was just making my holiday plan for homework and feeling kind of stressed seeing all the things that needed to be done and i just said ok hold on i'm nearly finished when my dad got super angry again and went on another rant and somehow ended up threatening that he wouldn't support me with money and i was just like ????? then i'll have to get a part time job i guess and he just got even more angry and began saying how i never did anything for him again and how he works so hard and stuff
and i ended up getting another of those panic attacks and i just ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there and tried to calm myself down
like i knew it was partly my fault that i didn't feed panda asap but then dad and went and said those things, and like while i was in the bathroom my mum was outside the door and being angry and saying i had to apologise to dad straight away but i honestly did not feel like i did much wrong and that dad was overreacting again and i asked her to just leave me alone for a moment because i actually couldn't focus and deal with things because of the panic attack and she was like ???? and i tried to explain to her that like i was having a lot of trouble just dealing with things at the moment and she kind of scoffed and was like what are you going to kill yourself??
and that moment i just like went silent and i was so angry, i was thinking things like 'how dare you say that to me' because time and time again that's alway been the threat that mum and dad have used against me in fights, that they'd just 'kill themselves if i didn't care' and stuff and i just said that to mum
and she just kind of stormed off angrily and came back later and just kept saying i had to apologise
it's kind of still going on at the moment, like i'm lucky that i got to go camping in the first place, mum was saying she wouldn't let me go but i had already prepared food for it and stuff and in the end she let me go but on the car ride there she just kept going on about how i 'had to apologise to dad' and i 'better think about what i did' but i'm just finding it hard because i just i honestly feel like i've done nothing much wrong, i know that it's my fault i don't do things straight away and i'm always grateful for what my parents do for me and like yeah i sass and stuff but like ...... i just.......... idk make way for teenage ramblings sdfghj
my worries just remain, and i've said it to the motherhen, but it's that i feel like things just get worse and worse and the more they do i'm afraid i'll keep having these reactions to them and i end up feeling kind of like... just bad ... at the end of things and i know i'll get back to normal -- i was fine camping -- but i'm developing an apprehensiveness to coming home and seeing mum and dad
also edit about something but i went busking and the day i came home in the car like i was tired but mum launched into tons of complaints about everything bad that was happening like cars breaking down and it just made me so like i began getting really antsy and sighed really loudly and like i know mum has to vent these things but it just always happens and it never stops and i think these things do begin piling up and turn into toxicity, so anyway i sighed really loudly and mum was like what are you angry??? and i just asked her to stop and that i didn't want to hear any more and she went silent and i felt kinda bad but like.... this negativity, i feel, is so poisonous and then that night my bro called up and we had a dnm and he agreed and said that that's a huge reason why he doesn't want to come home and that usually it's hard to deal with because mum's phone calls to him are the same in that she asks about his day sometimes but after that just goes on about the bad in hers
and we don't even know what to do about it
but we just confirmed with each other that we were strong and we'd handle all this together and i think our relationship is so important and awesome :') like i owe bro a lot and he's a star and i hope he also feels better with everything that's going on with his job + girlfriend + etc
sometimes its ok but when things are bad things just seem to get worse y'know??
that's kind of a scary thing
but i know i can always find support with my friends and in the christmas spirit in the air!!!
that kind of reminds me w/ my bro but just recently, it was after busking
OH OHO HOOHHOH OMY GOD I HAVE TO TELL EVEROYNE I WENT BUSKING THIS YEAR!!!! AND IT WAS SO AMAZING WE GOT LIKE 400ISH BUCKS IN 2 DAYS AND DUUUDE WE ARE SO AMAZING ok so like WAIT OTHER PEOPLE ARE SO COOL BECAUSE LIKE THIS LADY CAME OUT WITH FRESH JUICE and i think we were singing outside some kind of legal firm or something but she came out and was like 'hey kids if it gets too hot outside you're welcome to come in any time :)' and AAAAAAAAAAA oh my god ;;; it was just so beautiful and just such preciousness is what makes everything worthwhile!! also we were busking with the song 'cant help falling in love with you' and some dude just was walking past and SANG REALLY GOOD AND AFTER THE SONG ENDED HE WAS SLOWLY WALKING AND WE LIKE CLAPPED FOR HIM BECAUSE HIS VOICE WAS ACTUALLY AMAZING
also CAN I JUST SAY LIKE do u guys remember how i like am so :') at my jap teacher well HE'S SO AWESOME ;; CRY OMG so like during the term we were talking about pokemon once and he was telling me how like when he goes to japan in 2019ish ??? he's gonna have to buy lots of pokemon stuff for his son because his son has become obsessed with pokemon and ;; HIS FAITH he was like 'hey you'll be there' and i literally was like ;;;;;;;;;;; YOUR FAITH IN ME ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and was like 'SIR YUO HAEV TO COME VISIT ME' and he was like oh for sure we've never been to kyushu before so :))) and i was like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and i was just really happy ;;; WHAT A ;;;; WHAT A MAN ;;;;; like
i don't want to settle for anything less than studying in japan and i will try my very best this coming year, 2016
OOOH HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS ABOUT UMBRELLA???
as part of an initiative (as captain i guess you could say, but in general for what the school lacks), with the help of friends we organised a mental health awareness + support group called Umbrella and it's called Umbrella because mental health is often related to clouds above your head/rain but Umbrella will be there to support you along the way y'know
haha well you get the gist
and i'm so happy
like it took quite a bit of organisation and seeing a bunch of teachers, setting a room up for meetings to take place and making a plan for meetings and on each meeting, figuring out what to talk about and what to focus on in terms of goals and such but i'm so happy and glad because we actually have quite a few people coming along to join the club on wednesday lunch times and recently for festivus (which was amazing it had sumo wrestling griffo vs anstey and GRIFFO WON and i was supporting him the whole way against rabia who supported anstey /lols, and performances and awesome stalls) and ok recently for festivus umbrella sold hot and cold drinks and made like $118?? this will go towards beyond blue so!!! I'm SO HAPPY because man i find that pretty successful!!!
rhys is this amazing guy in the years below me but he's so passionate about everything and he just makes me so happy because of the effort he puts into stuff like he made 7 litres of ice tea which didn't end up getting sold much due to all the other drinks and people preferring hot drinks due to the surprisingly cold weather but honestly rhys is such a brave soul and volunteered to talk about his experiences with stress in one meeting
AND ALSO IT WAS SO COOL like we had a stress management meeting before exams and alumni came in and talked about stuff and so did rhys and we have minutes with the advice compiled on it and it's pinned outside on our NOTICE BOARD dO U KNO HOW COOL THAT IS but also like I'M SO HAPPY because like i hope it'll be helpful to kids !!!!! like !!! man!!!! and the COUNSELLOR WAS LIKE hey jesse i'm happy because this group is going well and thank you for your effort in making this group and i was like ;;;;;;;; I'm SO GLAD like NO PROBLEM AT ALL
and like goood OMG ALSO FOR THE UMBRELLA STALL THIS GIRL SAM VOLUNTEERED TO MAKE POSTERS AND AAAAAA THE YWERE SO BEAUTIFUL I WAS ACTUALLY SO HAPPY AND OMG I'M SO HAPPY THAT UMBRELLA HAS SO MANY PASSIONATE BEAUTIFUL HELPFUL MEMBERS LIKE WOW!!!!!!!
YEAH!!!!!
i think it's so important to recognise like all the good things that are happening outside of the house y'know and school and my friends and all the amazing things that others achieve are so worthwhile and keep me grounded
so yeah
holidays have begun and you bet your BUTTS they'll be PRODUCTIVE i have to make griffo proud with JAP WORK!!! AAAAAAAAAAA
ok but maybe not today i'm so tired today :')
tomorrow/// I WILL DO A LOT .......
YEAH
WISH ME LUCK>!??!?!?!?! (i don't need luck i have DETERMINATION aaaa that reminds me undertale is a good game and i'm learning new americana by halsey (AWESOME SINGER MAN) on the piano and one punch man + haikyuu season 2 IS WHAT ENRICHES MY SOUL AAA and yeah nice BD)
see you and i hope everyone has AMAZING things come to then in the end of this year and the year to come. HOPE YOU SMILE HEAPS TODAY!!!! and don't worry about me too much if you are... i just need to get things off my chest sometimes and talk to people and i'll be fine, i'm a spry youth
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