it's really interesting y'know
so the update i was supposed to make was basically just gonna be a recount of how i showed the costs of scholarship etc to the university i want to get into to my parents, and when i showed it to my dad it surprised me because it felt like he was really taking me seriously, he looked at it and said yeah, if you get this scholarship or this one, we can afford to send you there.
and for me that kind of felt as if he was was putting belief into what i wanted to do related to japanese and even trust into me for going overseas by myself, it's a huge decision and having my parents' support for it, despite their worries which can get a little ~~ sometimes, well, it made me happy.
the whole drama from before, what has it been, a few months yeah? WOAH 2015. WELL HAPPY NEW YEAR LOL wow i didn't update for a long time!!! well, it kind of just... died down. i guess everything passes and so did this, and who knows if it'll arise again.
but anyway, referring to 'what's interesting'...
family dynamics!
i'd like to just write out some interesting thoughts and stuff i've had on that.
reader, does your family eat dinner together very often? probably an equal amount do and don't, or, well, i'm not too sure. my family doesn't but i've been going to motherhen's house and seeing the type of family that does, and it makes me so happy. hearing such uplifting nonchalant chatter makes me so happy and even more so being involved in it makes bonding feel so important and before i might've actually believed and told you that family might not mean that much to me, save for individuals in the family who i could get along with.
family is an interesting concept to many people and it might be a barely-there concept or something incredibly obvious. to me, i guess, for a girl who experiences eating dinner with family as either 1) for special occasions and jolly when everyone's in a good mood (a bit rare nowadays, especially with my bro's leave to sydney), 2) just me and another family member either my dad or mum sitting there in silence while i eat and they go on their phone so i bring out my phone too, or until one of us makes some kind of small talk, or 3) me and my parents together in an awkward silence because my parents don't get along well with each other. either my mum makes small talk and dad says something in his blunt way and then there's an awkward silence. not really sure how to explain it properly to convey how kind of saddening it can be to me, and even then i'm not sure if i'm making a big deal out of the fact i find it disheartening or if it maybe is a little to other people, i'm not really sure.
it made me think about having my own family someday, and what eating dinner with that family would be like. right now, because everyone works and comes home at different times or dad goes to sydney, we all eat dinner separately and it's just become a thing that i make myself dinner and go to my computer, and mum makes her dinner separately when she comes home at ten and eats in the lounge, or dad's absence during dinner times or him eating dinner at random patterns whether in the kitchen or in the lounge or etc.
i don't know, i guess i had this weird worry that maybe my own family would be like that or maybe i'd be so used to doing things individually that i wouldn't properly be able to have some kind of family-bonding dinner session like other families can have, but i already know it, and i've been told it, that if i want something it i can make it happen and just because i grew up with it and my parents are like x and y, it doesn't mean i'll become like my parents.
....
anyway, those were ramblings that had been on my mind lately.
also that bonding is a good thing but it can be difficult? i don't know... my dad often goes to sydney and sometimes invites me but in those times i usually answer that i have homework and am busy.
i guess for me... it's not that i haven't gotten along with family in sydney but i definitely feel more comfortable if either my bro or cousin are there with me on the trip to sydney, instead of just me and my dad, and me left to be with those sydney relatives. my dad invited me to go to dinner with his sister and him today.... and like... with that invitation he was like, but you're busy with your own life huh? and i was like mm... i was planning to do homework today... and he was like ya bye and i was like bye...
and i know it's the holidays and stuff and i do balance work vs social life but...
that "busy with your own life" line prompted me to think of where i'll be next year, at university and in japan and I'LL GET THERE JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE, I'LL GET THERE OK. but anyway it made me think of how limited time there actually was and the importance of making the most of it.
i love the atmosphere when everyone in my family is happy and we're all getting along and i definitely want more of it but i guess it's that awkward side of me that fears how easy it is to get upset or feel disconnection with e.g sometimes my parents? even though they mean a lot to me and i respect both of them, it's easy to lose sight of that i guess because we don't always get along and don't make those chances, even though for me i can see how i could make those chances by accepting invitations to go to sydney etc...
i'm not asking for advice, i think, i'm just... kind of figuring out my thoughts about this. i do that a lot by writing, i think, which is why for my eng ext 2 work i'm writing a suite of poetry about, it's gonna sound cheesy but, "the actions of people which have had a transformative effect on the person i am today" and it's split into categories of parents, brother, teacher, friends and myself.
yeah.
on a different note,
school has been going awesomely!!! half yearlies are over and i did try my best and i'm happy with my results and it just shows that if you do try your best, you will improve and won't regret anything. then you can use those results and the mistakes you made to just learn more and improve, and that's more inspiring than anything.
i'll probably have more to update you on later but this is all i can think of for now :)
but hey, i'll leave you guys with a quote!!!
"You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say."
-jesse
Showing posts with label the new year begins. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the new year begins. Show all posts
Friday, 15 April 2016
Saturday, 19 December 2015
entry 35
[low key screaming]
i'm really tired man
came back from an AWESOME camping trip today but basically we swam so much and body-boarding is actually so fun and i've come to appreciate the safety of lit roads and stable ground after walking to 海's house at 9pm and coming back down a cliff and feeling like a baby deer the whole way squatting and tightly sweatily gripping 海's offered hand and arriving back at the campsite at 11
save me from hell
ummm so on another note
things have been hectic, i guess
even just now, writing it up here like this makes me tired but not in that physical way /sigh
i guess i'll start from the start seeing as i'll have to as i haven't posted anything about it here or really, anything at all on here, in ages
so it began probably the day before i went to the doctors one day with a container of oatmeal at the ready for morning travels because i'm dedicated to my oatmeal
but the night before there was some kind of fight between my parents just over something really silly like it usually is and in the car on the way to the doctors my mum was the driver and she as always after these kind of things she was like, "do u see how he treats me jesse??' and i was like yea....... but like usually what i used to say was "all you have to do is just like talk to him??? try not to rise to his anger and just talk calmly???" because the fault lies in both in that they allow things to escalate so much with their words
and then mum kind of shut up and after a while she told me this thing that was perfect in time for module a of exams with english - 'discovery'
iunno man trigger alert if ur having family issues or something or you just don't really want to deal with this kind of stuff but i learnt that my dad cheated on my mum and left the family when bro was 5 and it still feels like to me that i make a big deal out of it sometimes but on the other hand the interaction between my mum and my dad affect me and my brother a great deal so maybe i'm justified
but basically when i found that out i was just so disappointed
of course my mum was like 'yeah but if there's one thing i can't fault him for it's him trying to provide for you and joey so don't get angry at ur dad u have to stay the same' and i was like ://// [angst intensifies] and iunno i just felt kinda :/ especially because like i can see how mum probably can't bring herself to try and communicate with dad when he never made the effort for her
i don't really know how her complaints went in full chronological order but they just made me so sad and angry at dad, and she also confided in me one of the things that dad said to her about having a 'second daughter' with that woman he cheated on before, and apparently he said this to her during this time when -- i don't think i ever mentioned it here? it's all a blur to me because i don't know it was a bad time --- but i used to like, scratch myself? they weren't full cuts but i used to try to injure myself and during that time apparently my mum and dad had a big fight and one thing i remember was crying in front of our christmas tree and mum leaving for work angrily and dad gone and joey coming in to try and cheer me up and saying something akin to 'if you think dad will care about what you're doing you're wrong, you just need to show him you're not affected'
but anyway dad said that he didn't care what happened to me if i killed myself or whatnot because he had a second daughter anyway
and mum said she couldn't forgive him for that
so in that car ride to the doctors i was just kind of like haha oh because i guess it just forced me to see things in a different perspective like 'ah that's why bro said that to me' and i began to really just :/ at my dad
i found that i still was grateful for everything that dad has done for me
but those actions of his do not justify the abuse that has constantly appeared through other actions
so in that fight that mum and dad had, i was fighting with dad - he asked me to take out the bins and i said i'd do it later because i was busy doing homework and he just got super angry and went on the argument that i never did anything for him and such and then he went and took out the bins himself and imo became really petty like a few days into the week my light stopped working and i was acting normally around dad, he was ignoring me and i asked for a new light and he said to go find one myself and i was like ok and tried to but couldn't find one and he was like oh well you're going to have to deal and i was like ok lol i'll do hw in joey's room instead
and then i was at my computer one day after the whole shenanigans of learning about the whole 'secret' and stuff, he like went up to me and was pretty ok and his reasoning for being angry that i hadn't taken out the bins was that we have some shady neighbours and going out in daylight is safer than at night and sure ok, i said sorry and that i'd keep that in mind next time but also that he should be understanding when i have homework and don't want to be disturbed
and then he just replied with that argument like no it only takes like 10 minutes just do it and got angry again and like exited the room
and i was like .......... and then i went out and just confronted him and was like yeah well i'm upset about another thing, i know that you cheated on mum
and he was like -silence- that's none of your business that's only between me and her
and i was like no it is my business because you're my dad and what you do affects everyone in the family
and then he got really defensive and was going like what do you want me to do??? kill myself??? don't worry i know you hate me i'll go live somewhere else soon anyway
and i was like ??????? ummmmmm how about saying sorry to mum?? i don't hate you??? literally what you are doing is running away from your problems and not solving anything
and he was like no i can't do that
and i was like why not
and he was like you'll understand when you're an adult
and i was like frankly dad, i don't see any adults in this room right now
and he was like i can't say sorry if i don't mean it
and i was like ??? well maybe this isn't for you maybe this is for mum
and he was like no it won't do anything
and i was like how do you know you haven't even tried anything
and he just wouldn't budge and so i just sighed really loudly and was like then can you at least try to stop fighting with her? and he was like she makes me say things!!!! and i was like uh huh right and he was like "but what i told her about having a second daughter wasn't true" and i was like so you said it to spite her? and he didn't answer and i just like glared at him for a long while (during this i was also having like a panic attack of sorts kind of like when you cry really hard and you start having difficulty breathing and get a bit dizzy and your heart goes weird, and twice during it he tried to hug me but i kind of just either stayed still or pushed him away) but anyway, i just said to dad that i was disappointed in him
and he was like what do you want me to do i'm not a computer
and i linked that back to the first argument we had and said yeah well that goes for us as well we can't do everything you ask us to do straight away maybe we're busy with other things first and he was like ok well tell me when you are and i'll do it and i was like ok do you promise not to get angry?? and he was like yeah
and then it just ended like that
after that i was just still in a state of disappointment with him because he avoided the topic of mum completely.
and then the other day, it was the beginning of the holidays but the context is is that my family is having lots of trouble with money at the moment - when things are stable, it's ok, but recently cars have been breaking down one after the other and then you get tensions rising with both money and family problems and then the first day of the holidays my cousin and i were cutting her dog, panda's, hair and when we put him down, there was growling and my dog rufus and panda got into a fight and panda's jaw got dislocated/broken - still not quite sure but we know it's bad because panda keeps on whining and such
that night i was like dad i think something's wrong with panda's jaw and dad was like ...no it's fine
and then the next day he was like panda's jaw is broken and i was like yeah i told you so and the problem was that surgery for panda would cost heaps of money and giving him top the rspca would still cost a few hundred, and there was also the option of putting him down
now let me first say that this is my cousin's dog and my cousin is currently in phillipines with her mum
and i'm already really hesitant as it is when it comes to money and asking for it because i know it's really difficult for them at the moment and don't want to burden them with anything and added the mounting arguments against me such as them saying that they do everything for me and i do nothing in return, so it makes me not want to ask for anything at all y'know
well i just didn't want panda to be put down because i feel like that'd be such an unfair call to make for him, because he's a young dog and for something like a broken jaw that could be fixed--- like, god y'know???
but basically it all fell to my cousin's decision as it was her dog and so i was discussing it with her on facebook and just her replies just got me so disappointed because it really felt like the only person who was really affected by everything was me and maybe even my dad but all my cousin said was "oh... well it's my mum's decision in the end"
and she kept repeating that argument and i felt so frustrated because sure it was her mum's decision but her say in it was equally important and she could persuade her mum to the choice that we both agreed was the better option e.g rspca
so then the next day we just devised a system where we feed panda soft things until we can afford to send him to the vet and that's what's been happening but basically one time my dad asked me to feed panda it was like 12pmish and usually we feed the dogs at 6ish but i didn't mind so much, i was just making my holiday plan for homework and feeling kind of stressed seeing all the things that needed to be done and i just said ok hold on i'm nearly finished when my dad got super angry again and went on another rant and somehow ended up threatening that he wouldn't support me with money and i was just like ????? then i'll have to get a part time job i guess and he just got even more angry and began saying how i never did anything for him again and how he works so hard and stuff
and i ended up getting another of those panic attacks and i just ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there and tried to calm myself down
like i knew it was partly my fault that i didn't feed panda asap but then dad and went and said those things, and like while i was in the bathroom my mum was outside the door and being angry and saying i had to apologise to dad straight away but i honestly did not feel like i did much wrong and that dad was overreacting again and i asked her to just leave me alone for a moment because i actually couldn't focus and deal with things because of the panic attack and she was like ???? and i tried to explain to her that like i was having a lot of trouble just dealing with things at the moment and she kind of scoffed and was like what are you going to kill yourself??
and that moment i just like went silent and i was so angry, i was thinking things like 'how dare you say that to me' because time and time again that's alway been the threat that mum and dad have used against me in fights, that they'd just 'kill themselves if i didn't care' and stuff and i just said that to mum
and she just kind of stormed off angrily and came back later and just kept saying i had to apologise
it's kind of still going on at the moment, like i'm lucky that i got to go camping in the first place, mum was saying she wouldn't let me go but i had already prepared food for it and stuff and in the end she let me go but on the car ride there she just kept going on about how i 'had to apologise to dad' and i 'better think about what i did' but i'm just finding it hard because i just i honestly feel like i've done nothing much wrong, i know that it's my fault i don't do things straight away and i'm always grateful for what my parents do for me and like yeah i sass and stuff but like ...... i just.......... idk make way for teenage ramblings sdfghj
my worries just remain, and i've said it to the motherhen, but it's that i feel like things just get worse and worse and the more they do i'm afraid i'll keep having these reactions to them and i end up feeling kind of like... just bad ... at the end of things and i know i'll get back to normal -- i was fine camping -- but i'm developing an apprehensiveness to coming home and seeing mum and dad
also edit about something but i went busking and the day i came home in the car like i was tired but mum launched into tons of complaints about everything bad that was happening like cars breaking down and it just made me so like i began getting really antsy and sighed really loudly and like i know mum has to vent these things but it just always happens and it never stops and i think these things do begin piling up and turn into toxicity, so anyway i sighed really loudly and mum was like what are you angry??? and i just asked her to stop and that i didn't want to hear any more and she went silent and i felt kinda bad but like.... this negativity, i feel, is so poisonous and then that night my bro called up and we had a dnm and he agreed and said that that's a huge reason why he doesn't want to come home and that usually it's hard to deal with because mum's phone calls to him are the same in that she asks about his day sometimes but after that just goes on about the bad in hers
and we don't even know what to do about it
but we just confirmed with each other that we were strong and we'd handle all this together and i think our relationship is so important and awesome :') like i owe bro a lot and he's a star and i hope he also feels better with everything that's going on with his job + girlfriend + etc
sometimes its ok but when things are bad things just seem to get worse y'know??
that's kind of a scary thing
but i know i can always find support with my friends and in the christmas spirit in the air!!!
that kind of reminds me w/ my bro but just recently, it was after busking
OH OHO HOOHHOH OMY GOD I HAVE TO TELL EVEROYNE I WENT BUSKING THIS YEAR!!!! AND IT WAS SO AMAZING WE GOT LIKE 400ISH BUCKS IN 2 DAYS AND DUUUDE WE ARE SO AMAZING ok so like WAIT OTHER PEOPLE ARE SO COOL BECAUSE LIKE THIS LADY CAME OUT WITH FRESH JUICE and i think we were singing outside some kind of legal firm or something but she came out and was like 'hey kids if it gets too hot outside you're welcome to come in any time :)' and AAAAAAAAAAA oh my god ;;; it was just so beautiful and just such preciousness is what makes everything worthwhile!! also we were busking with the song 'cant help falling in love with you' and some dude just was walking past and SANG REALLY GOOD AND AFTER THE SONG ENDED HE WAS SLOWLY WALKING AND WE LIKE CLAPPED FOR HIM BECAUSE HIS VOICE WAS ACTUALLY AMAZING
also CAN I JUST SAY LIKE do u guys remember how i like am so :') at my jap teacher well HE'S SO AWESOME ;; CRY OMG so like during the term we were talking about pokemon once and he was telling me how like when he goes to japan in 2019ish ??? he's gonna have to buy lots of pokemon stuff for his son because his son has become obsessed with pokemon and ;; HIS FAITH he was like 'hey you'll be there' and i literally was like ;;;;;;;;;;; YOUR FAITH IN ME ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and was like 'SIR YUO HAEV TO COME VISIT ME' and he was like oh for sure we've never been to kyushu before so :))) and i was like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and i was just really happy ;;; WHAT A ;;;; WHAT A MAN ;;;;; like
i don't want to settle for anything less than studying in japan and i will try my very best this coming year, 2016
OOOH HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS ABOUT UMBRELLA???
as part of an initiative (as captain i guess you could say, but in general for what the school lacks), with the help of friends we organised a mental health awareness + support group called Umbrella and it's called Umbrella because mental health is often related to clouds above your head/rain but Umbrella will be there to support you along the way y'know
haha well you get the gist
and i'm so happy
like it took quite a bit of organisation and seeing a bunch of teachers, setting a room up for meetings to take place and making a plan for meetings and on each meeting, figuring out what to talk about and what to focus on in terms of goals and such but i'm so happy and glad because we actually have quite a few people coming along to join the club on wednesday lunch times and recently for festivus (which was amazing it had sumo wrestling griffo vs anstey and GRIFFO WON and i was supporting him the whole way against rabia who supported anstey /lols, and performances and awesome stalls) and ok recently for festivus umbrella sold hot and cold drinks and made like $118?? this will go towards beyond blue so!!! I'm SO HAPPY because man i find that pretty successful!!!
rhys is this amazing guy in the years below me but he's so passionate about everything and he just makes me so happy because of the effort he puts into stuff like he made 7 litres of ice tea which didn't end up getting sold much due to all the other drinks and people preferring hot drinks due to the surprisingly cold weather but honestly rhys is such a brave soul and volunteered to talk about his experiences with stress in one meeting
AND ALSO IT WAS SO COOL like we had a stress management meeting before exams and alumni came in and talked about stuff and so did rhys and we have minutes with the advice compiled on it and it's pinned outside on our NOTICE BOARD dO U KNO HOW COOL THAT IS but also like I'M SO HAPPY because like i hope it'll be helpful to kids !!!!! like !!! man!!!! and the COUNSELLOR WAS LIKE hey jesse i'm happy because this group is going well and thank you for your effort in making this group and i was like ;;;;;;;; I'm SO GLAD like NO PROBLEM AT ALL
and like goood OMG ALSO FOR THE UMBRELLA STALL THIS GIRL SAM VOLUNTEERED TO MAKE POSTERS AND AAAAAA THE YWERE SO BEAUTIFUL I WAS ACTUALLY SO HAPPY AND OMG I'M SO HAPPY THAT UMBRELLA HAS SO MANY PASSIONATE BEAUTIFUL HELPFUL MEMBERS LIKE WOW!!!!!!!
YEAH!!!!!
i think it's so important to recognise like all the good things that are happening outside of the house y'know and school and my friends and all the amazing things that others achieve are so worthwhile and keep me grounded
so yeah
holidays have begun and you bet your BUTTS they'll be PRODUCTIVE i have to make griffo proud with JAP WORK!!! AAAAAAAAAAA
ok but maybe not today i'm so tired today :')
tomorrow/// I WILL DO A LOT .......
YEAH
WISH ME LUCK>!??!?!?!?! (i don't need luck i have DETERMINATION aaaa that reminds me undertale is a good game and i'm learning new americana by halsey (AWESOME SINGER MAN) on the piano and one punch man + haikyuu season 2 IS WHAT ENRICHES MY SOUL AAA and yeah nice BD)
see you and i hope everyone has AMAZING things come to then in the end of this year and the year to come. HOPE YOU SMILE HEAPS TODAY!!!! and don't worry about me too much if you are... i just need to get things off my chest sometimes and talk to people and i'll be fine, i'm a spry youth
i'm really tired man
came back from an AWESOME camping trip today but basically we swam so much and body-boarding is actually so fun and i've come to appreciate the safety of lit roads and stable ground after walking to 海's house at 9pm and coming back down a cliff and feeling like a baby deer the whole way squatting and tightly sweatily gripping 海's offered hand and arriving back at the campsite at 11
save me from hell
ummm so on another note
things have been hectic, i guess
even just now, writing it up here like this makes me tired but not in that physical way /sigh
i guess i'll start from the start seeing as i'll have to as i haven't posted anything about it here or really, anything at all on here, in ages
so it began probably the day before i went to the doctors one day with a container of oatmeal at the ready for morning travels because i'm dedicated to my oatmeal
but the night before there was some kind of fight between my parents just over something really silly like it usually is and in the car on the way to the doctors my mum was the driver and she as always after these kind of things she was like, "do u see how he treats me jesse??' and i was like yea....... but like usually what i used to say was "all you have to do is just like talk to him??? try not to rise to his anger and just talk calmly???" because the fault lies in both in that they allow things to escalate so much with their words
and then mum kind of shut up and after a while she told me this thing that was perfect in time for module a of exams with english - 'discovery'
iunno man trigger alert if ur having family issues or something or you just don't really want to deal with this kind of stuff but i learnt that my dad cheated on my mum and left the family when bro was 5 and it still feels like to me that i make a big deal out of it sometimes but on the other hand the interaction between my mum and my dad affect me and my brother a great deal so maybe i'm justified
but basically when i found that out i was just so disappointed
of course my mum was like 'yeah but if there's one thing i can't fault him for it's him trying to provide for you and joey so don't get angry at ur dad u have to stay the same' and i was like ://// [angst intensifies] and iunno i just felt kinda :/ especially because like i can see how mum probably can't bring herself to try and communicate with dad when he never made the effort for her
i don't really know how her complaints went in full chronological order but they just made me so sad and angry at dad, and she also confided in me one of the things that dad said to her about having a 'second daughter' with that woman he cheated on before, and apparently he said this to her during this time when -- i don't think i ever mentioned it here? it's all a blur to me because i don't know it was a bad time --- but i used to like, scratch myself? they weren't full cuts but i used to try to injure myself and during that time apparently my mum and dad had a big fight and one thing i remember was crying in front of our christmas tree and mum leaving for work angrily and dad gone and joey coming in to try and cheer me up and saying something akin to 'if you think dad will care about what you're doing you're wrong, you just need to show him you're not affected'
but anyway dad said that he didn't care what happened to me if i killed myself or whatnot because he had a second daughter anyway
and mum said she couldn't forgive him for that
so in that car ride to the doctors i was just kind of like haha oh because i guess it just forced me to see things in a different perspective like 'ah that's why bro said that to me' and i began to really just :/ at my dad
i found that i still was grateful for everything that dad has done for me
but those actions of his do not justify the abuse that has constantly appeared through other actions
so in that fight that mum and dad had, i was fighting with dad - he asked me to take out the bins and i said i'd do it later because i was busy doing homework and he just got super angry and went on the argument that i never did anything for him and such and then he went and took out the bins himself and imo became really petty like a few days into the week my light stopped working and i was acting normally around dad, he was ignoring me and i asked for a new light and he said to go find one myself and i was like ok and tried to but couldn't find one and he was like oh well you're going to have to deal and i was like ok lol i'll do hw in joey's room instead
and then i was at my computer one day after the whole shenanigans of learning about the whole 'secret' and stuff, he like went up to me and was pretty ok and his reasoning for being angry that i hadn't taken out the bins was that we have some shady neighbours and going out in daylight is safer than at night and sure ok, i said sorry and that i'd keep that in mind next time but also that he should be understanding when i have homework and don't want to be disturbed
and then he just replied with that argument like no it only takes like 10 minutes just do it and got angry again and like exited the room
and i was like .......... and then i went out and just confronted him and was like yeah well i'm upset about another thing, i know that you cheated on mum
and he was like -silence- that's none of your business that's only between me and her
and i was like no it is my business because you're my dad and what you do affects everyone in the family
and then he got really defensive and was going like what do you want me to do??? kill myself??? don't worry i know you hate me i'll go live somewhere else soon anyway
and i was like ??????? ummmmmm how about saying sorry to mum?? i don't hate you??? literally what you are doing is running away from your problems and not solving anything
and he was like no i can't do that
and i was like why not
and he was like you'll understand when you're an adult
and i was like frankly dad, i don't see any adults in this room right now
and he was like i can't say sorry if i don't mean it
and i was like ??? well maybe this isn't for you maybe this is for mum
and he was like no it won't do anything
and i was like how do you know you haven't even tried anything
and he just wouldn't budge and so i just sighed really loudly and was like then can you at least try to stop fighting with her? and he was like she makes me say things!!!! and i was like uh huh right and he was like "but what i told her about having a second daughter wasn't true" and i was like so you said it to spite her? and he didn't answer and i just like glared at him for a long while (during this i was also having like a panic attack of sorts kind of like when you cry really hard and you start having difficulty breathing and get a bit dizzy and your heart goes weird, and twice during it he tried to hug me but i kind of just either stayed still or pushed him away) but anyway, i just said to dad that i was disappointed in him
and he was like what do you want me to do i'm not a computer
and i linked that back to the first argument we had and said yeah well that goes for us as well we can't do everything you ask us to do straight away maybe we're busy with other things first and he was like ok well tell me when you are and i'll do it and i was like ok do you promise not to get angry?? and he was like yeah
and then it just ended like that
after that i was just still in a state of disappointment with him because he avoided the topic of mum completely.
and then the other day, it was the beginning of the holidays but the context is is that my family is having lots of trouble with money at the moment - when things are stable, it's ok, but recently cars have been breaking down one after the other and then you get tensions rising with both money and family problems and then the first day of the holidays my cousin and i were cutting her dog, panda's, hair and when we put him down, there was growling and my dog rufus and panda got into a fight and panda's jaw got dislocated/broken - still not quite sure but we know it's bad because panda keeps on whining and such
that night i was like dad i think something's wrong with panda's jaw and dad was like ...no it's fine
and then the next day he was like panda's jaw is broken and i was like yeah i told you so and the problem was that surgery for panda would cost heaps of money and giving him top the rspca would still cost a few hundred, and there was also the option of putting him down
now let me first say that this is my cousin's dog and my cousin is currently in phillipines with her mum
and i'm already really hesitant as it is when it comes to money and asking for it because i know it's really difficult for them at the moment and don't want to burden them with anything and added the mounting arguments against me such as them saying that they do everything for me and i do nothing in return, so it makes me not want to ask for anything at all y'know
well i just didn't want panda to be put down because i feel like that'd be such an unfair call to make for him, because he's a young dog and for something like a broken jaw that could be fixed--- like, god y'know???
but basically it all fell to my cousin's decision as it was her dog and so i was discussing it with her on facebook and just her replies just got me so disappointed because it really felt like the only person who was really affected by everything was me and maybe even my dad but all my cousin said was "oh... well it's my mum's decision in the end"
and she kept repeating that argument and i felt so frustrated because sure it was her mum's decision but her say in it was equally important and she could persuade her mum to the choice that we both agreed was the better option e.g rspca
so then the next day we just devised a system where we feed panda soft things until we can afford to send him to the vet and that's what's been happening but basically one time my dad asked me to feed panda it was like 12pmish and usually we feed the dogs at 6ish but i didn't mind so much, i was just making my holiday plan for homework and feeling kind of stressed seeing all the things that needed to be done and i just said ok hold on i'm nearly finished when my dad got super angry again and went on another rant and somehow ended up threatening that he wouldn't support me with money and i was just like ????? then i'll have to get a part time job i guess and he just got even more angry and began saying how i never did anything for him again and how he works so hard and stuff
and i ended up getting another of those panic attacks and i just ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there and tried to calm myself down
like i knew it was partly my fault that i didn't feed panda asap but then dad and went and said those things, and like while i was in the bathroom my mum was outside the door and being angry and saying i had to apologise to dad straight away but i honestly did not feel like i did much wrong and that dad was overreacting again and i asked her to just leave me alone for a moment because i actually couldn't focus and deal with things because of the panic attack and she was like ???? and i tried to explain to her that like i was having a lot of trouble just dealing with things at the moment and she kind of scoffed and was like what are you going to kill yourself??
and that moment i just like went silent and i was so angry, i was thinking things like 'how dare you say that to me' because time and time again that's alway been the threat that mum and dad have used against me in fights, that they'd just 'kill themselves if i didn't care' and stuff and i just said that to mum
and she just kind of stormed off angrily and came back later and just kept saying i had to apologise
it's kind of still going on at the moment, like i'm lucky that i got to go camping in the first place, mum was saying she wouldn't let me go but i had already prepared food for it and stuff and in the end she let me go but on the car ride there she just kept going on about how i 'had to apologise to dad' and i 'better think about what i did' but i'm just finding it hard because i just i honestly feel like i've done nothing much wrong, i know that it's my fault i don't do things straight away and i'm always grateful for what my parents do for me and like yeah i sass and stuff but like ...... i just.......... idk make way for teenage ramblings sdfghj
my worries just remain, and i've said it to the motherhen, but it's that i feel like things just get worse and worse and the more they do i'm afraid i'll keep having these reactions to them and i end up feeling kind of like... just bad ... at the end of things and i know i'll get back to normal -- i was fine camping -- but i'm developing an apprehensiveness to coming home and seeing mum and dad
also edit about something but i went busking and the day i came home in the car like i was tired but mum launched into tons of complaints about everything bad that was happening like cars breaking down and it just made me so like i began getting really antsy and sighed really loudly and like i know mum has to vent these things but it just always happens and it never stops and i think these things do begin piling up and turn into toxicity, so anyway i sighed really loudly and mum was like what are you angry??? and i just asked her to stop and that i didn't want to hear any more and she went silent and i felt kinda bad but like.... this negativity, i feel, is so poisonous and then that night my bro called up and we had a dnm and he agreed and said that that's a huge reason why he doesn't want to come home and that usually it's hard to deal with because mum's phone calls to him are the same in that she asks about his day sometimes but after that just goes on about the bad in hers
and we don't even know what to do about it
but we just confirmed with each other that we were strong and we'd handle all this together and i think our relationship is so important and awesome :') like i owe bro a lot and he's a star and i hope he also feels better with everything that's going on with his job + girlfriend + etc
sometimes its ok but when things are bad things just seem to get worse y'know??
that's kind of a scary thing
but i know i can always find support with my friends and in the christmas spirit in the air!!!
that kind of reminds me w/ my bro but just recently, it was after busking
OH OHO HOOHHOH OMY GOD I HAVE TO TELL EVEROYNE I WENT BUSKING THIS YEAR!!!! AND IT WAS SO AMAZING WE GOT LIKE 400ISH BUCKS IN 2 DAYS AND DUUUDE WE ARE SO AMAZING ok so like WAIT OTHER PEOPLE ARE SO COOL BECAUSE LIKE THIS LADY CAME OUT WITH FRESH JUICE and i think we were singing outside some kind of legal firm or something but she came out and was like 'hey kids if it gets too hot outside you're welcome to come in any time :)' and AAAAAAAAAAA oh my god ;;; it was just so beautiful and just such preciousness is what makes everything worthwhile!! also we were busking with the song 'cant help falling in love with you' and some dude just was walking past and SANG REALLY GOOD AND AFTER THE SONG ENDED HE WAS SLOWLY WALKING AND WE LIKE CLAPPED FOR HIM BECAUSE HIS VOICE WAS ACTUALLY AMAZING
also CAN I JUST SAY LIKE do u guys remember how i like am so :') at my jap teacher well HE'S SO AWESOME ;; CRY OMG so like during the term we were talking about pokemon once and he was telling me how like when he goes to japan in 2019ish ??? he's gonna have to buy lots of pokemon stuff for his son because his son has become obsessed with pokemon and ;; HIS FAITH he was like 'hey you'll be there' and i literally was like ;;;;;;;;;;; YOUR FAITH IN ME ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and was like 'SIR YUO HAEV TO COME VISIT ME' and he was like oh for sure we've never been to kyushu before so :))) and i was like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and i was just really happy ;;; WHAT A ;;;; WHAT A MAN ;;;;; like
i don't want to settle for anything less than studying in japan and i will try my very best this coming year, 2016
OOOH HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS ABOUT UMBRELLA???
as part of an initiative (as captain i guess you could say, but in general for what the school lacks), with the help of friends we organised a mental health awareness + support group called Umbrella and it's called Umbrella because mental health is often related to clouds above your head/rain but Umbrella will be there to support you along the way y'know
haha well you get the gist
and i'm so happy
like it took quite a bit of organisation and seeing a bunch of teachers, setting a room up for meetings to take place and making a plan for meetings and on each meeting, figuring out what to talk about and what to focus on in terms of goals and such but i'm so happy and glad because we actually have quite a few people coming along to join the club on wednesday lunch times and recently for festivus (which was amazing it had sumo wrestling griffo vs anstey and GRIFFO WON and i was supporting him the whole way against rabia who supported anstey /lols, and performances and awesome stalls) and ok recently for festivus umbrella sold hot and cold drinks and made like $118?? this will go towards beyond blue so!!! I'm SO HAPPY because man i find that pretty successful!!!
rhys is this amazing guy in the years below me but he's so passionate about everything and he just makes me so happy because of the effort he puts into stuff like he made 7 litres of ice tea which didn't end up getting sold much due to all the other drinks and people preferring hot drinks due to the surprisingly cold weather but honestly rhys is such a brave soul and volunteered to talk about his experiences with stress in one meeting
AND ALSO IT WAS SO COOL like we had a stress management meeting before exams and alumni came in and talked about stuff and so did rhys and we have minutes with the advice compiled on it and it's pinned outside on our NOTICE BOARD dO U KNO HOW COOL THAT IS but also like I'M SO HAPPY because like i hope it'll be helpful to kids !!!!! like !!! man!!!! and the COUNSELLOR WAS LIKE hey jesse i'm happy because this group is going well and thank you for your effort in making this group and i was like ;;;;;;;; I'm SO GLAD like NO PROBLEM AT ALL
and like goood OMG ALSO FOR THE UMBRELLA STALL THIS GIRL SAM VOLUNTEERED TO MAKE POSTERS AND AAAAAA THE YWERE SO BEAUTIFUL I WAS ACTUALLY SO HAPPY AND OMG I'M SO HAPPY THAT UMBRELLA HAS SO MANY PASSIONATE BEAUTIFUL HELPFUL MEMBERS LIKE WOW!!!!!!!
YEAH!!!!!
i think it's so important to recognise like all the good things that are happening outside of the house y'know and school and my friends and all the amazing things that others achieve are so worthwhile and keep me grounded
so yeah
holidays have begun and you bet your BUTTS they'll be PRODUCTIVE i have to make griffo proud with JAP WORK!!! AAAAAAAAAAA
ok but maybe not today i'm so tired today :')
tomorrow/// I WILL DO A LOT .......
YEAH
WISH ME LUCK>!??!?!?!?! (i don't need luck i have DETERMINATION aaaa that reminds me undertale is a good game and i'm learning new americana by halsey (AWESOME SINGER MAN) on the piano and one punch man + haikyuu season 2 IS WHAT ENRICHES MY SOUL AAA and yeah nice BD)
see you and i hope everyone has AMAZING things come to then in the end of this year and the year to come. HOPE YOU SMILE HEAPS TODAY!!!! and don't worry about me too much if you are... i just need to get things off my chest sometimes and talk to people and i'll be fine, i'm a spry youth
Wednesday, 17 December 2014
entry 30
THE FORMAL:
yeah.
it was actually... amazingly enjoyable. i honestly wasn't sure what to expect at first because it'd probably be just me sitting around while other people danced and i'd just be off to the side with my friends kinda bored, but that judgement was so wrong because dude, dancing was SO FUN like if anyone out there is having a sort of dance/social party thing goin' on, i recommend you to just let your body loose and just bop to the beat, y'feel? it's so fun when you get "lost in the music" sort of thang, and it was just amazing, so many compliments were given and so many were received, this really sweet asian - we can call her mychonny - she said i was beautiful and reminded her of ariana grande and osborne said he liked my dress and disney princess becca just... /shakes head at her it was really nice she told me i danced like a rockstar and she was just adorable and spouting compliments - it was all sorts of nice feelies, the whole couple of hours.
the food was GREAT it was like this sort of... really nicely seasoned chicken??? i swear i've tasted something similar to it before at my own house but i can't say for certain - it was a tangy, sour-ish taste but a beautiful flavour man, and pita bread and tabouleh and salad and a falafel and i still have no idea what the heckiedangle those things are made of so let me just--
praise wiki
nice
it was nice.
the photos before the actual formal was awesome because it was when you first saw everyone and when you walk along with your formal battle-armour on, you feel like a champion BD seriously, you feel great because you were all prettied up for this and it's a nice feeling, dressing up, despite the fact that dress shopping has to be one of satan's favourite hobbies because it sure as hell isn't one of mine more like after i got mine; every dress store i looked at, i looked at them as though they were summoned from the seventh circle of hell (it took me hours to find a dress that i thought i liked and even after buying it, i was just dead inside from having to spend so much time doing that when i could be playing dragon age or something) and i just fled at the sight of every clothes store after that and wanted it over and done with
anyway, the photos
that was when my excitement really picked up because everyone looked so beautiful and it was like yes aWESOME!!! I GET TO SPEND MY TIME WITH ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!!!! IT'S GONNA BE SO FUN
and it WAS really fun, like, god, i would do it again
which i guess may be saying something because i thought i hated dances like this but this dance, this social/formal was so worth everything
and then came the after-party, which began at 11 and ended at 3 - my friends and i only stayed until 12:30
i got the award for most kawaii, and that was interesting
the ride to the after-party was pretty funny
za's mum was dropping us off and we were trying to find the location when we saw these shirtless dudes walking down the street heading towards somewhere and they were going to this house and za's mum was like hm well those boys can't be heading towards the party, i mean they're not part of your year are they
and za was just like ...... ha....ha...,,f, they are....
and we all just kinda looked at each other then and i felt this little tug of apprehension because ????? like okay then
the moment i entered the house there was that smell
alcohol, y'know? it was easy to guess there'd be alcohol but it was already so potent at the start of the party it was, well, not really surprising but yeah. my bro's part of the house (s'hard to explain but his room/computer room/toilet/lounge are located in this part of the house??) often smells like that when he has pre-drinks with his friends - just a note but my friends and i didn't drink anything, promise you that
my friends and i, after hanging around this lil tree that i was standing in front of which kept poking at my pits with its lil branches, headed towards a more secluded area - a garden - to just sit down and kinda maybe brANCH (huehue) off from the rowdy, drunk people who gathered more near the house
a few moments i remember have to do with osborne; we talked a bit near the bushes about the reports we got and stuff and that was cool and i'm kinda sure he was sober?? then we headed to the gardens and he came over with his friends and was like jesse u should mingle and i think i said something along the lines of nah man it's cool not very good at mingling but i also said something like 'too cool to hang with u soz bro' and he was like aw man my respect for u just went down jesse, i thought u were a nice funny chick but now i'm not so sure and i was like soz man i don't know what to say to that and he left and that was interesting but then i turned to my friends and kinda just furrowed my brows and was like, was he drunk?
that was possibly my first interaction with a drunk friend /nods
and then apad (we'll call him that) came over and well SUPER drunk but after a while of cautious conversation on my end, he began talking about how he regretted doing what he did and he asked me to make sure he didn't drink any more but then apologized for the serious talk and i just wanted to really reinforce how much i didn't mind talking to him even if he were drunk, but i'm not sure he got the message
anyway, i was worried for him during the party and once he asked me which way to get out of the gardens was safer - over the fence or up the stairs and we decided the stairs were safer and i offered to escort him up but he said no because he'd probs trip and take me down with him and i was just like... are... are you sure man?? like i really don't mind and he said it's okay and i just kinda pursed my lips and was like well, if you're sure... anyway, i was worried and i honestly really hope he's feeling okay right now and he's not in too much trouble
after that, random people came and went to talk to us / hang around and it was cool because i talked to a few people i never really talked to before
then, when we were leaving, osborne was like oh you guys are leaving? and we were like yeah and he was like oh and high fived me and was like it was fun dancing with u and the cookie and i was like yeah man, it was :D and it was cool
i only wish i remembered to check up on apad and say bye to him, but yeah!
the day was certainly jam-packed and a fascinating experience /nods
year 11 is on its way and iunno if i'm prepared
we'll see /wishes everyone luck in their schooling endeavours
also dragon age inquisition is heart-breaking and fantastic and wonderful and i've romanced cullen but like SOLAS.
SOLAS.
/DEEP SOBBING
SOLAS U EGG NERD I'M CRYING because his romance is so beautiful whereas cullen is the kinda typical cute kinda one?? but solas is all deep and it's V SAD and V PLOT-TWISTY AND MAN
inquisition is the best
i am a year eleven
have a beautiful day readers!!! i hope a stranger returns ur smile today or like smiles at u in a non-creepy way or like a smile... u smile... i hope u smile lots today :D
-jesse out B)
 |
| i am the asian to the right and my love is on the left |
 |
| look at these awesome shoes man i'm so happy with them |
 |
| photo-booth funtimes B) |
 |
| the formal was held at our school in the citadel and i am/was completely okay with that (i think i preferred it to the beach, where it was supposed to be held) |
it was actually... amazingly enjoyable. i honestly wasn't sure what to expect at first because it'd probably be just me sitting around while other people danced and i'd just be off to the side with my friends kinda bored, but that judgement was so wrong because dude, dancing was SO FUN like if anyone out there is having a sort of dance/social party thing goin' on, i recommend you to just let your body loose and just bop to the beat, y'feel? it's so fun when you get "lost in the music" sort of thang, and it was just amazing, so many compliments were given and so many were received, this really sweet asian - we can call her mychonny - she said i was beautiful and reminded her of ariana grande and osborne said he liked my dress and disney princess becca just... /shakes head at her it was really nice she told me i danced like a rockstar and she was just adorable and spouting compliments - it was all sorts of nice feelies, the whole couple of hours.
the food was GREAT it was like this sort of... really nicely seasoned chicken??? i swear i've tasted something similar to it before at my own house but i can't say for certain - it was a tangy, sour-ish taste but a beautiful flavour man, and pita bread and tabouleh and salad and a falafel and i still have no idea what the heckiedangle those things are made of so let me just--
Falafel (/fəˈlɑːfəl/; Arabic: فلافل, [fæˈlæːfɪl] (
)) is a deep-fried ball or patty made from ground chickpeas, fava beans, or both. Falafel is a traditional Middle Eastern food, usually served in a pita, which acts as a pocket, or wrapped in a flatbread known as lafa; "falafel" also frequently refers to a wrapped sandwich that is prepared in this way. The falafel balls are topped with salads, pickled vegetables, hot sauce, and drizzled with tahini-based sauces. Falafel balls may also be eaten alone as a snack or served as part of a meze (appetizers).
)) is a deep-fried ball or patty made from ground chickpeas, fava beans, or both. Falafel is a traditional Middle Eastern food, usually served in a pita, which acts as a pocket, or wrapped in a flatbread known as lafa; "falafel" also frequently refers to a wrapped sandwich that is prepared in this way. The falafel balls are topped with salads, pickled vegetables, hot sauce, and drizzled with tahini-based sauces. Falafel balls may also be eaten alone as a snack or served as part of a meze (appetizers).
Falafel is a common dish eaten throughout the Middle East. The fritters are now found around the world as a replacement for meat and as a form of street food.
praise wiki
nice
it was nice.
the photos before the actual formal was awesome because it was when you first saw everyone and when you walk along with your formal battle-armour on, you feel like a champion BD seriously, you feel great because you were all prettied up for this and it's a nice feeling, dressing up, despite the fact that dress shopping has to be one of satan's favourite hobbies because it sure as hell isn't one of mine more like after i got mine; every dress store i looked at, i looked at them as though they were summoned from the seventh circle of hell (it took me hours to find a dress that i thought i liked and even after buying it, i was just dead inside from having to spend so much time doing that when i could be playing dragon age or something) and i just fled at the sight of every clothes store after that and wanted it over and done with
anyway, the photos
that was when my excitement really picked up because everyone looked so beautiful and it was like yes aWESOME!!! I GET TO SPEND MY TIME WITH ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!!!! IT'S GONNA BE SO FUN
and it WAS really fun, like, god, i would do it again
which i guess may be saying something because i thought i hated dances like this but this dance, this social/formal was so worth everything
and then came the after-party, which began at 11 and ended at 3 - my friends and i only stayed until 12:30
i got the award for most kawaii, and that was interesting
the ride to the after-party was pretty funny
za's mum was dropping us off and we were trying to find the location when we saw these shirtless dudes walking down the street heading towards somewhere and they were going to this house and za's mum was like hm well those boys can't be heading towards the party, i mean they're not part of your year are they
and za was just like ...... ha....ha...,,f, they are....
and we all just kinda looked at each other then and i felt this little tug of apprehension because ????? like okay then
the moment i entered the house there was that smell
alcohol, y'know? it was easy to guess there'd be alcohol but it was already so potent at the start of the party it was, well, not really surprising but yeah. my bro's part of the house (s'hard to explain but his room/computer room/toilet/lounge are located in this part of the house??) often smells like that when he has pre-drinks with his friends - just a note but my friends and i didn't drink anything, promise you that
my friends and i, after hanging around this lil tree that i was standing in front of which kept poking at my pits with its lil branches, headed towards a more secluded area - a garden - to just sit down and kinda maybe brANCH (huehue) off from the rowdy, drunk people who gathered more near the house
a few moments i remember have to do with osborne; we talked a bit near the bushes about the reports we got and stuff and that was cool and i'm kinda sure he was sober?? then we headed to the gardens and he came over with his friends and was like jesse u should mingle and i think i said something along the lines of nah man it's cool not very good at mingling but i also said something like 'too cool to hang with u soz bro' and he was like aw man my respect for u just went down jesse, i thought u were a nice funny chick but now i'm not so sure and i was like soz man i don't know what to say to that and he left and that was interesting but then i turned to my friends and kinda just furrowed my brows and was like, was he drunk?
that was possibly my first interaction with a drunk friend /nods
and then apad (we'll call him that) came over and well SUPER drunk but after a while of cautious conversation on my end, he began talking about how he regretted doing what he did and he asked me to make sure he didn't drink any more but then apologized for the serious talk and i just wanted to really reinforce how much i didn't mind talking to him even if he were drunk, but i'm not sure he got the message
anyway, i was worried for him during the party and once he asked me which way to get out of the gardens was safer - over the fence or up the stairs and we decided the stairs were safer and i offered to escort him up but he said no because he'd probs trip and take me down with him and i was just like... are... are you sure man?? like i really don't mind and he said it's okay and i just kinda pursed my lips and was like well, if you're sure... anyway, i was worried and i honestly really hope he's feeling okay right now and he's not in too much trouble
after that, random people came and went to talk to us / hang around and it was cool because i talked to a few people i never really talked to before
then, when we were leaving, osborne was like oh you guys are leaving? and we were like yeah and he was like oh and high fived me and was like it was fun dancing with u and the cookie and i was like yeah man, it was :D and it was cool
i only wish i remembered to check up on apad and say bye to him, but yeah!
the day was certainly jam-packed and a fascinating experience /nods
year 11 is on its way and iunno if i'm prepared
we'll see /wishes everyone luck in their schooling endeavours
also dragon age inquisition is heart-breaking and fantastic and wonderful and i've romanced cullen but like SOLAS.
SOLAS.
/DEEP SOBBING
SOLAS U EGG NERD I'M CRYING because his romance is so beautiful whereas cullen is the kinda typical cute kinda one?? but solas is all deep and it's V SAD and V PLOT-TWISTY AND MAN
inquisition is the best
i am a year eleven
have a beautiful day readers!!! i hope a stranger returns ur smile today or like smiles at u in a non-creepy way or like a smile... u smile... i hope u smile lots today :D
-jesse out B)
Sunday, 2 February 2014
entry 15
fullmetal alchemist brotherhood is beautiful. i love the emotions; how the makers are able to invoke those emotions. it's wonderful. the lullaby of resembool has to be my favourite ost because it gives you a bit of nostalgia /from/ the anime and that's a wonderful, precious feeling. also, ling badass mofo yao. he gives me the feels.
so i've been writing recently.
i realise that writing has actually been a passion of mine for a long time - ever since i was 11. looking back on my fanfiction account, i see my old fics and i've read them and they are very shudder worthy but adorably so; i say adorably because it just reminds me that i've improved quite a lot (but there's still much more room for improvement).
i don't really want to do acting any more; that was probably a spur of the moment thing and that tends to happen to me a lot /sigh. i'm doing acting this year and /coughs/ so the people doing it kind of intimidates me but i really have to keep reminding myself that it's a chance to improve, not an opportunity to feel bad about myself.
i've also been singing and testing stuff out on my microphone: output gain is a good thing, so is vocal ambience in reference to classic reverb, delay is a suggestion and eq can be quite good as long as it doesn't make the vocals too... scratchy. that's just a note to self.
i tend to do things in the spur of the moment SO much and when i look back on it i cringe, but... experience huh? /laughs nervously. i'm also a bit naive. i do things and then i get hurt because i put a lot of... enthusiasm? passion? whatever it is - a put a lot into it and then i look back and kind of glimpse how the other people i do things for don't do things for me at all, and i set up this expectation of them and myself and maybe that's why i fail at a lot of things.
ugh. i think i'm going to change youth theatre to something a little more practical (i have creative writing in mind but i'm not sure if it is available)
BUT HEY.
this year i'm into martial arts and writing! /cackles. martial arts will be hella fucking fun, i feel it in my damn bones. this is a promise to myself: no matter what keep your interest because it feels good, that's simply it. not because you have to for other people. just because /you/ want to and you know that it makes you happy. i also really have this urge to get fit because exercising is fun, heh.
so i got my hair cut. my bits are gone and i'm SO SAD. it's like a part of my heart was chopped off.
it went like this:
'okay so where do u want your bangs cut?'
-i gesture to my chest
'oh okay sure'
-hairdresser cuts it all off
my mind: fUCK WHAT IS HAPPEN
'is this okay? :DD'
i nod, shocked and traumatised.
it was very...
i'm....
yeah.
i'm so...
...
yeah.
so i'm also back at school.
i've got a tad bit of homework but eh. i've done all but the maths hw and that's because you're supposed to find a textbook on the school site but i have no idea where it is so i'm gonna ask miss tomorrow. as long as it's done by the end of the year, apparently it's okay.
wish me luck /sigh.
so, y'know... how i was like to canoe dude, that his smile was nice, at the end of the last holidays? did i mention that? y-yeah, i did..
well that, for me, was basically a way of saying 'thanks for being likeable, this is the end' but /coughs apparently feelings don't work that way no matter how much i want it to - on the first day of school he entered and there was that feeling again.
....y'know, that feeling? in your chest that makes your hand raise to it and your eyes kinda soften and it's warm and maybe a bit crushing?
yeah.
i hate it. so much.
it's very ironic because i'm that romantic kind of person but i'm so scared of liking a person and so apprehensive to liking someone. infatuation is a scary-ass thing.
i saw him later that day when school had ended and he was walking towards where i was heading (diagram for u: ---> <----) basically we were gonna collide but not in the collide literal meaning, and i was looking up like normal and i only just realised it was him (my eyesight, 'nuff said) and when he looked up i was like really belatedly 'o..,h' and so i looked away.
but i felt like i wanted to talk to him. why do i feel like that whenever i see him, i wonder? is that a self-explanatory question? i really can't tell and it screws with my brain, but then again i am a very emotional person so it shouldn't surprise me.
but i wanted to talk to him so much.
it's just that his friends greeted him at that time and i felt scared so i didn't.
it's very selfish of me (i think) but i have thoughts that 'if he wants to talk to me he will' but then i remember that isn't there that clique restriction? isn't it just me who thinks of him so much it's a bit unfair? yeah, it is just me so it's my fault in the first place and then i end up sighing deeply (i seem to be doing that a lot lately).
yeah, so anyway, i didn't talk to him though i really wanted to.
i was contemplating about him while in the car with my mum, after that and that's when my mum was like 'heyyyy u okay daughter' and then i felt like i wanted to tell someone, and trust me the options aren't much because i'm a secretive person when it comes to these things, so i told her.
and she was like 'hm.. hey, well at least you didn't have a crush on a guy for six years' and she told me the story of how she had a crush on this dude from high school to university for six years and how she was exchanging letters with him and it just suddenly stopped and not because he died or anything tragic like that, it was just that... it stopped. sad because it's so easy to stop communicating with someone you care about when you're not in actual contact with them.
and she told me that i should use my feelings as inspiration and that really helped me.
but still, it hurts. it's also very scary.
i just... can i not like him? he might be like a really nice dude and all but i'm too shy to go up to him so nothing's ever gonna happen and URGhHHhHHHHHHHH make it stoooop ;a;
anyway.
sorry /sigh.
but i also found that he had an interest in photography and when i found out that i was like are you fucking kidding me.
it just somehow even that seems really wonderful of him??
and he sits behind me in geography. send help. and he's in my science class.
it's too bad because i'm the type to want to act on things, not the type to secretly 'relish' things, but i do relish things i just do it in a different way and in a way that hurts myself because i really believe on acting on things.
i'm just...
sigh.
why do things have to be so complex?
now i'm just a silly school girl fawning over some boy and it's annoying me a hella lot.
i'm very much an idiot.
anyway.
2014 is the year of the japanese excursion, bush school, the year ten formal and the pressure of the rosa.
good luck to me.
this is entry 15: to any readers at all, please have a safe and happy day. smile because you look beautiful when you do (everyone does unless you're smiling as you murder someone so please don't commit murder, it's a bad thing). thanks yo.
so i've been writing recently.
i realise that writing has actually been a passion of mine for a long time - ever since i was 11. looking back on my fanfiction account, i see my old fics and i've read them and they are very shudder worthy but adorably so; i say adorably because it just reminds me that i've improved quite a lot (but there's still much more room for improvement).
i don't really want to do acting any more; that was probably a spur of the moment thing and that tends to happen to me a lot /sigh. i'm doing acting this year and /coughs/ so the people doing it kind of intimidates me but i really have to keep reminding myself that it's a chance to improve, not an opportunity to feel bad about myself.
i've also been singing and testing stuff out on my microphone: output gain is a good thing, so is vocal ambience in reference to classic reverb, delay is a suggestion and eq can be quite good as long as it doesn't make the vocals too... scratchy. that's just a note to self.
i tend to do things in the spur of the moment SO much and when i look back on it i cringe, but... experience huh? /laughs nervously. i'm also a bit naive. i do things and then i get hurt because i put a lot of... enthusiasm? passion? whatever it is - a put a lot into it and then i look back and kind of glimpse how the other people i do things for don't do things for me at all, and i set up this expectation of them and myself and maybe that's why i fail at a lot of things.
ugh. i think i'm going to change youth theatre to something a little more practical (i have creative writing in mind but i'm not sure if it is available)
BUT HEY.
this year i'm into martial arts and writing! /cackles. martial arts will be hella fucking fun, i feel it in my damn bones. this is a promise to myself: no matter what keep your interest because it feels good, that's simply it. not because you have to for other people. just because /you/ want to and you know that it makes you happy. i also really have this urge to get fit because exercising is fun, heh.
so i got my hair cut. my bits are gone and i'm SO SAD. it's like a part of my heart was chopped off.
it went like this:
'okay so where do u want your bangs cut?'
-i gesture to my chest
'oh okay sure'
-hairdresser cuts it all off
my mind: fUCK WHAT IS HAPPEN
'is this okay? :DD'
i nod, shocked and traumatised.
it was very...
i'm....
yeah.
i'm so...
...
yeah.
so i'm also back at school.
i've got a tad bit of homework but eh. i've done all but the maths hw and that's because you're supposed to find a textbook on the school site but i have no idea where it is so i'm gonna ask miss tomorrow. as long as it's done by the end of the year, apparently it's okay.
wish me luck /sigh.
so, y'know... how i was like to canoe dude, that his smile was nice, at the end of the last holidays? did i mention that? y-yeah, i did..
well that, for me, was basically a way of saying 'thanks for being likeable, this is the end' but /coughs apparently feelings don't work that way no matter how much i want it to - on the first day of school he entered and there was that feeling again.
....y'know, that feeling? in your chest that makes your hand raise to it and your eyes kinda soften and it's warm and maybe a bit crushing?
yeah.
i hate it. so much.
it's very ironic because i'm that romantic kind of person but i'm so scared of liking a person and so apprehensive to liking someone. infatuation is a scary-ass thing.
i saw him later that day when school had ended and he was walking towards where i was heading (diagram for u: ---> <----) basically we were gonna collide but not in the collide literal meaning, and i was looking up like normal and i only just realised it was him (my eyesight, 'nuff said) and when he looked up i was like really belatedly 'o..,h' and so i looked away.
but i felt like i wanted to talk to him. why do i feel like that whenever i see him, i wonder? is that a self-explanatory question? i really can't tell and it screws with my brain, but then again i am a very emotional person so it shouldn't surprise me.
but i wanted to talk to him so much.
it's just that his friends greeted him at that time and i felt scared so i didn't.
it's very selfish of me (i think) but i have thoughts that 'if he wants to talk to me he will' but then i remember that isn't there that clique restriction? isn't it just me who thinks of him so much it's a bit unfair? yeah, it is just me so it's my fault in the first place and then i end up sighing deeply (i seem to be doing that a lot lately).
yeah, so anyway, i didn't talk to him though i really wanted to.
i was contemplating about him while in the car with my mum, after that and that's when my mum was like 'heyyyy u okay daughter' and then i felt like i wanted to tell someone, and trust me the options aren't much because i'm a secretive person when it comes to these things, so i told her.
and she was like 'hm.. hey, well at least you didn't have a crush on a guy for six years' and she told me the story of how she had a crush on this dude from high school to university for six years and how she was exchanging letters with him and it just suddenly stopped and not because he died or anything tragic like that, it was just that... it stopped. sad because it's so easy to stop communicating with someone you care about when you're not in actual contact with them.
and she told me that i should use my feelings as inspiration and that really helped me.
but still, it hurts. it's also very scary.
i just... can i not like him? he might be like a really nice dude and all but i'm too shy to go up to him so nothing's ever gonna happen and URGhHHhHHHHHHHH make it stoooop ;a;
anyway.
sorry /sigh.
but i also found that he had an interest in photography and when i found out that i was like are you fucking kidding me.
it just somehow even that seems really wonderful of him??
and he sits behind me in geography. send help. and he's in my science class.
it's too bad because i'm the type to want to act on things, not the type to secretly 'relish' things, but i do relish things i just do it in a different way and in a way that hurts myself because i really believe on acting on things.
i'm just...
sigh.
why do things have to be so complex?
now i'm just a silly school girl fawning over some boy and it's annoying me a hella lot.
i'm very much an idiot.
anyway.
2014 is the year of the japanese excursion, bush school, the year ten formal and the pressure of the rosa.
good luck to me.
this is entry 15: to any readers at all, please have a safe and happy day. smile because you look beautiful when you do (everyone does unless you're smiling as you murder someone so please don't commit murder, it's a bad thing). thanks yo.
Saturday, 18 January 2014
entry 13
man i haven't posted in a long time huh?
well i guess, a lot has happened since 2013. welcome 2014 but jesus, time is going by so quickly next thing you know i'll be getting ready for the biggest test that does decide my future and gives so much bad, bad pressure: the hsc. i envy those who don't need to have that kind of pressure on them. /sigh.
anyway, enough of my complaining (but then again this blog is pretty much all my complaining so /shrugs). i just hope i can write everything before my dad comes home.
uhm so, basically on the last day of school (jamberoo) i told canoe guy he had a nice smile and i have no idea if he heard me or not and honestly, looking back i'm not sure whether it'd be good for him to or bad for him to have heard me (long story short: i lost my wallet, i got it, we passed by each other and i said it).
yeah.
conundrums.
my life is damn full of 'em. /deep whale sigh.
christmas was nice, i think...
i uh, i can't remember it fully now even though it was like twenty something days or go, but yeah. it was nice. i wanted a basketball. i got a book about sports instead. buuut my family and i went up to sydney and had all you can eat korean barbeque and wagyu meat is amazing!!
...
but seriously, a book about sports instead of an actual sport item that would-- brother why.
new years was okay. my bro took the family out just to see fireworks and i should've brought my glasses (oh, i'm getting new ones as well so wootwoot) so i could see them in high definition, but i didn't because i am a silly butt.
i'm a bit apprehensive of the new year, but i guess i look forward to it as well. apprehensive because this will be the last year where i can actually take a breather and have fun but i do reaaaally look forward to it because jAPAN. and bush school is coming up, so that's cool. apprehensive also because a friend is leaving.
tw: suicide/self-harm-
basically, that friend is dear ames, and yesterday (although it'll be the day after yesterday i guess since it's 1:44am now) i helped her flush her blades. she didn't want to at first and let's just say i was just... i guess i was disappointed but moreover i was worried so i told her my opinion that she should (earlier she'd sent me a message that said she didn't know if she could do it herself so she wanted me there, so i just wanted to confirm that she'd take a step /eventually/). but i remembered that i wrote her a letter, so i gave it to her to read first and then we talked and talked and talked and then finally she offered to flush them. i asked her if she was sure and she said she was and i asked her again. she said yes.
we talked and talked and talked again and i think she was stalling and she was feeling nervous but eventually we did it. i made her promise me she'd flush all of them and i sat quietly on the make-do bed i had to sleep in (since it was a sleepover) and she'd hid quite a lot, and she recovered a lot. but she said 'i think that's all' and that was a warning sign in itself, so i inquired, 'you think?' slowly, she nodded and muttered, 'i don't know where my other ones are'. but i couldn't force her to do anything. but there were a lot of blades, i just hope there weren't that many left. i don't know if she lied to me or not -- the probability is very high -- but i just hope that she'll be able to overcome it. i just hope.
i don't know if i'm relieved.
i feel like i was on a battlefield rigged with landmines and even though right now i'm hurting and injured from the weapons i'm just glad i didn't step on any mines. i'm so emotionally and mentally tired it's not funny.
i told her later, that if something were to happen in the future and she did something... then no matter what she didn't have to be afraid of me being disappointed in her.
i just want her to be happy and i pray to whatever up there that she will find her reason.
man, am i being cliche or anything like that?
i'm just really,
really,
tired.
/sigh.
but i'll get better.
a lot of thoughts were exchanged.
/sigh.
this is making me feel drained. but i'm writing it so that i won't forget the strength and the tiredness that will hopefully be worth it.
-end-
so yeah.
2014.
not sure what to feel about it.
uhm.
yeah.
be safe and awesome alright any readers out there? i'm also watching sukitte ii na yo and it's cute but it escalates really frickin quickly.
jesus.
bye! this is entry 13 yo.
well i guess, a lot has happened since 2013. welcome 2014 but jesus, time is going by so quickly next thing you know i'll be getting ready for the biggest test that does decide my future and gives so much bad, bad pressure: the hsc. i envy those who don't need to have that kind of pressure on them. /sigh.
anyway, enough of my complaining (but then again this blog is pretty much all my complaining so /shrugs). i just hope i can write everything before my dad comes home.
uhm so, basically on the last day of school (jamberoo) i told canoe guy he had a nice smile and i have no idea if he heard me or not and honestly, looking back i'm not sure whether it'd be good for him to or bad for him to have heard me (long story short: i lost my wallet, i got it, we passed by each other and i said it).
yeah.
conundrums.
my life is damn full of 'em. /deep whale sigh.
christmas was nice, i think...
i uh, i can't remember it fully now even though it was like twenty something days or go, but yeah. it was nice. i wanted a basketball. i got a book about sports instead. buuut my family and i went up to sydney and had all you can eat korean barbeque and wagyu meat is amazing!!
...
but seriously, a book about sports instead of an actual sport item that would-- brother why.
new years was okay. my bro took the family out just to see fireworks and i should've brought my glasses (oh, i'm getting new ones as well so wootwoot) so i could see them in high definition, but i didn't because i am a silly butt.
i'm a bit apprehensive of the new year, but i guess i look forward to it as well. apprehensive because this will be the last year where i can actually take a breather and have fun but i do reaaaally look forward to it because jAPAN. and bush school is coming up, so that's cool. apprehensive also because a friend is leaving.
tw: suicide/self-harm-
basically, that friend is dear ames, and yesterday (although it'll be the day after yesterday i guess since it's 1:44am now) i helped her flush her blades. she didn't want to at first and let's just say i was just... i guess i was disappointed but moreover i was worried so i told her my opinion that she should (earlier she'd sent me a message that said she didn't know if she could do it herself so she wanted me there, so i just wanted to confirm that she'd take a step /eventually/). but i remembered that i wrote her a letter, so i gave it to her to read first and then we talked and talked and talked and then finally she offered to flush them. i asked her if she was sure and she said she was and i asked her again. she said yes.
we talked and talked and talked again and i think she was stalling and she was feeling nervous but eventually we did it. i made her promise me she'd flush all of them and i sat quietly on the make-do bed i had to sleep in (since it was a sleepover) and she'd hid quite a lot, and she recovered a lot. but she said 'i think that's all' and that was a warning sign in itself, so i inquired, 'you think?' slowly, she nodded and muttered, 'i don't know where my other ones are'. but i couldn't force her to do anything. but there were a lot of blades, i just hope there weren't that many left. i don't know if she lied to me or not -- the probability is very high -- but i just hope that she'll be able to overcome it. i just hope.
i don't know if i'm relieved.
i feel like i was on a battlefield rigged with landmines and even though right now i'm hurting and injured from the weapons i'm just glad i didn't step on any mines. i'm so emotionally and mentally tired it's not funny.
i told her later, that if something were to happen in the future and she did something... then no matter what she didn't have to be afraid of me being disappointed in her.
i just want her to be happy and i pray to whatever up there that she will find her reason.
man, am i being cliche or anything like that?
i'm just really,
really,
tired.
/sigh.
but i'll get better.
a lot of thoughts were exchanged.
/sigh.
this is making me feel drained. but i'm writing it so that i won't forget the strength and the tiredness that will hopefully be worth it.
-end-
so yeah.
2014.
not sure what to feel about it.
uhm.
yeah.
be safe and awesome alright any readers out there? i'm also watching sukitte ii na yo and it's cute but it escalates really frickin quickly.
jesus.
bye! this is entry 13 yo.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)