so i just had a talk with the parents today about finances and i'll try to summarise it here:
- basically I had to tell them what I assumed/calculated it would be each year to go and live there in japan and that amounted up to 20,000 dollars
- my dad said if it were around 10,000/12,000 he would be able to support me but this 20,000 will be really difficult
- he asked that if he paid the enrolment fees would we be able to get a refund
- and I was like yeah they do but it's not the full amount and he was like I see
- as you know I am a crybaby so when he mentioned the prospect of cancelling I got teary but luckily held it in as I think my dad would hate it if I were to cry/be emotional so I was really trying to keep that logical air
- I know how much i'm pressuring them and what i'm asking for and just the thought of all these finances and figures makes me dizzy lol and the dad said he would try asking his sister for money and think about renting the house
- and I was like oh.. ;;;; i'll try to get jobs and do as much as I can to help out and dad was like :/ and it's so hard
we're literally on the EDGE and this whole thing just doesn't feel good at all
my mum says for me not to worry and that we'll find a way and I know I should just take things step by step and focus on getting those jobs after I come back from the week schoolies trip but,, honestly I've been losing sleep over thinking about this
later today I went to the grocery store with mum and she made my cry in the car omg ;;;
but basically she was like "we know you're a good girl and you've been trying very hard and we're proud of you"
(sorry I stopped writing for like a few minutes because seriously just that ;;;; means so much to me and it hurts so much
and she was like "we'll find a way, you'll achieve your dreams" but in the same convo she was also like "I just want you to understand that we don't want you to struggle when you're over there, like not being able to buy food or things you want to buy" because they had intense childhoods as well, as I described in the last post. and I was like ";;;; I know ;;;; I just;;; I would honestly,, rather that struggle than regretting not being able to go" but at the same time I say that, I have to reinforce, I know i'm putting so much pressure on them. and my mum was again like, 'yeah, but just try to understand from our pov because your dad is concerned with that as well, we don't want you to suffer like we did' and at that time I thought 'I think I understand so much to the point it hurts'
i'm so grateful to my parents and my mum reassured me that if anything we still have the house a.k.a the idea of renting the house to people and having those 'rent payments only go towards you' ;;;;; I just ;;;; feel so ;;;; bad that they have to struggle and think about this ;;;;; y'know ;;;;
it's just that I've set up myself to going on this path so much that I don't want to go down without a fight so at the same time as I am sorry I just have this like determination to get where I want to be, I just want things to go right and I want to work to make it happen
I don't even want to think about not being able to go because i'm so keen and I feel like my efforts really have been in order to be able to go, that's my dream y'know but obviously like yeah I have backup plans in mind and will probably have to think about them in December when atar results come out
then I got an email from a person who works at the uni i want to go to, and I've been messaging them for like two-ish years and they were really nice and actually said they thought i'd get a better scholarship but the competition must have been really intense this time around, but also said they knew there were lots of external scholarships that I could achieve once I was there ;;;
and that hit me with the feels again which is why i'm venting it out here instead of reaching out endlessly to my friends who have supported me more than enough ;;;
the fact that there are external scholarships I could potentially get over there fills me with hope because dear god I will really try my hardest to alleviate both my parents worries and my own, like I want to work so hard and really earn them
at the same time I just feel so sorry that I've accidentally thought stuff like 'i'm sorry I didn't get a better scholarship' to my parents but I know that I really did try my best and I don't have anything to regret and that the only way forward is taking things step by step and focusing on what I can do now in order to ensure a secure education and good future lifestyle.
yeah
ok
it's been an emotional day today and it's only 4 lol
my nose is running like a TAP it's so wild and my eyes are probably so swollen from all the crying I've been doing omg
ok
I just
gotta work hard
take it slow
do chores around the house and be as much help as I can be to my parents
yeah
ok.
well this has been my rant today
and i'm sorry it wasn't a more happier entry!!!
in any case thank you for reading and I hope you're healthy, happy and safe!
let me list a few moments of today that were actually nice and funny
- I've been thinking about getting a penpal and there's this site called interpal that I've found! I made a profile and told my mum about it today and she was like 'are there cute guys' and I was like 'um,,,, yes' and she was like 'oMgGG you GOOO girl you Talk to THEM DO it while you're YOUNG!!!!' and I was like omg' and she was like 'set me up,, a profile...' and I was like ... 'are you... going to talk to Korean people' (because she's a lover of Korean culture/kdrama) and she was like ':))))) better find pictures of when I was skinny and young'
- yuri on ice is actually an awesome anime dude like yuri and victor the affection they show each other is UNDENIABLY ROMANTIC AND HOMO WHICH IS LIKE AMAZING ????? it better not be queerbaiting because honestly the characters are all so precious and I love !!! the character development with yuri and him finding fun in ice skating again and he also practically confessed his love for victor in the episode i'm up to it is actually so amazing and beautiful of an anime
- my friends are so supportive of everything I do and I can't be more grateful to have them here by my side and cheering them on. actually snay today ;;;; I was talking to her and it was just ;;; let me quote:
"You know what
I admire you so much
Like
If I was faced with this situation I would just be 'burrito mode' and then give up
But you
You just go full "Hinata promising to beat Shiratorizawa mode" and you do everything in your power to achieve that goal
And I know that that analogy/metaphor is pretty chidish
But honestly that's the only one that fits in my head
Because you are my Hinata"
and this honestly made me cry and be really happy ;;; to be compared to my son hinata ;;;;; but honestly i love snay so much and i think although we have different ways of handling things, we'll always get to where we want to be because we have each other
in the same vein if any of my friends are reading this thank you for being here for me. i honestly can't stress that enough (look how many times I've said honestly in this blog post omg), because i'm seriously only here and who i am because of you guys and you being here for me
ok
i'll be back with another blog post probs after schoolies :D
see u!!!! :D
btw my eyes are so SQUINTY now i gotta drink water to rehydrate them ahhh
Showing posts with label short stories in the life of jesse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label short stories in the life of jesse. Show all posts
Thursday, 3 November 2016
Tuesday, 1 November 2016
entry 37
it's 9:57am and i will start studying in half an hour! promise!
so it's been quite some time! i think it's very interesting to see how i've begun making entries less and less while becoming more and more preoccupied with life and the interesting/amazing/sometimes stressful things that are going, such as the HSC, i've literally only made one previous entry this year and that's crazy!
firstly... let me just list a bunch of things that i should talk about in terms of where my current mental state + ambitions are at --
1 > family
2 > dreams for life // views on studying? university? the changes to come?
3 > school life
4 > poetry
5 > little goals that may or may not be achieved
---
ok idk when I started that draft but let's see if I can continue where I left out lolol it's 2:38pm right now and the date is hopefully the date I will publish this draft on :)))
my buddy, how life has changed.
firstly, this leads into #4 listed up there but I did eng ext 2 as part of my HSC course (which now I can legit say it is OVER and I made it through and everyone else who did should feel proud of themselves and give themselves a good, wholesome rest!), and my major work was a suite of poems. i'm not sure if I wrote about this in a past entry but those poems were detailing the actions of those around me and how they impacted on the person I am today. if I can still recall correctly there were 5 poems, centring on family, friends, my brother, my teacher and myself. i'd kind of like to post the poems here but they're really long! but anyway the first was the heaviest because it was a mixture of my feelings at the time of the previous blog posts about the whole situation with my parents and their impact on me. but as such, everything passes and it's only natural that you either come to terms with experiences or at least learn things from them and I think i'm able to say that I've done both, perhaps.
my conclusions from the past entries have been this:
1. it's not like I've forgiven my dad for the things he did. I don't respect what he did nor how he fails to apologise for it. but I respect him because a lot of my opportunities and pleasures in life could have been lost if he had decided to leave my mum and my brother back when I wasn't yet born. because of my dad I've been able to make memories I wouldn't have, I have been able to go to places and do things I wouldn't have been able to do without his support. and unlike the figure I portray in the poetry with a "mouth cured by salt", the lone fisherman that spends too much time on a screen rather than addressing those real life issues-- dad is unmistakably human and although mistakes hurt, people can still heal and people can come to make do with what their circumstances have given them. I kind of feel like I'm rambling but my main point is, is that if I had a longer time period to finish that suite of poems the first poem about family would not be ending with this:
"By now the pain is long gone,
and so is that daughter.
She has grown different now,
though she used to be mine,
and by extension yours,
she is different now.
No longer a princess,
still spoiled a lot,
but with a sword in her hand
she knows what she's got.
And what she doesn't."
Or maybe it would end the same, at least with that conclusive tone. But I think the portrayal of the people in that poem would be different and more fleshed out. It's weird, y'know? For all the struggles and moments of spite, I love all of my family pretty much beyond words. I find it very easy to communicate my affection for my friends, SO easily, because I know that we only have a limited time together, but I find that with my family it can be so hard for some reason. I think it's probably because there is that part of my that takes them for granted and therefore it's very easy to see all the faults in one another. But I guess, thanks to my dream of wanting to go to Japan and all the experiences I've had this year with realisations of impermanence, I want to say that I've become more perceptive to the things that I should be grateful towards. I actually really love my mum and dad and seeing them happy makes me so happy I could cry (i'm a crybaby after all). It's because I know how hard they work to support me and I know I'm asking a lot from them and that I'm really lucky to be living like I am. I really treasure seeing them happy, so it kind of hurts me to think that in my journey towards achieving my dream, I am impacting on them and how they can live in the future. I want to be able to provide for myself, so I am hoping to get a job very soon (since it's the end of HSC).
To give more info, I got a 65% scholarship to go study in Japan next year and that's always been my dream. 65% because it's a tuition reduction scholarship covering the years I'll be studying there e.g 4, and while obviously the higher the better, it's actually fair enough considering how I am from a developed country and that's honestly quite a bit of money anyway to be reduced from all the fees. btw sorry if my writing is weird and there's caps and suddenly no caps and no grammar, it's because I usually write without proper grammar usage but i'm on my laptop so it automatically corrects things lol.
ANYWAY TO QUICKLY SUM UP EVERYTHING I WANTED TO GO THRU W/ #1 on the list: only recently it's struck me how important family can be. actually i'll tell u an anecdote. so basically the other day I was making pork floss with my dad because he was like 'u should see how much time this takes' and I was like 'well ok I'm finished with exams now so I can help :D' and so my eyes were opened actually to how much effort and time it took! and you know, I've always found it hard to talk with my dad. or I guess not really hard so to say but I never really made much of an effort to talk to him much because I was always afraid it would spiral into the direction of him saying something i'd disagree with and then both of us ending up in a bad mood. but the other day I asked him about his childhood because i'd heard from mum that his family used to own a restaurant. so dad told me about his father and how his father owned a restaurant but died due to a mosquito bite when dad was really young, and so his mum and the rest of his siblings had to work really hard in order to make money. so his mum made pork floss often and dad helped and they sold food to make a living. it makes sense because pork floss is dried meat and essentially should last for a long time.
you know a similar story is my mum's childhood. mum sometimes gets into a nostalgic mood and ends up telling me stories and she told me about how living in poverty was for her as a kid with her family, and how her mother often went around to the neighbours to ask for rice but the neighbours shut them out because they had to think about their own families. she told me how her mother used to buy one fish and they had to share it between I think 6 kids? and how more often than not they simply ate rice with diluted coffee to flavour it.
it struck me how different lives can be, how really, really different they can be. and although there's the saying money can't buy happiness, it really can. it's SO important in this world, so SO important in giving opportunities and paving way for happiness. but also, it's because money is so important that we should savour the things we already have such as the people around us.
so yeah. sum of point #1 is i'm grateful for family and I really want to be able to give back to my parents when I have a job later on in life. I want them to experience the beauty of japan as I have. I want to do them proud.
as for #2 I feel like I don't have much to say on that right now except now that I've gotten the scholarship I have a basis to work off for paying for the rest of the fees such as living costs/the 35% tuition/etc. and that there's a lot of prep to do in order to officially enrol such as submitting heaps of documents and getting a student visa and all and honestly that process is so intimidating haha I admittedly lost sleep last night thinking about it and how i'm scared and anxious about the things that could go wrong such as missing deadlines and ending up losing the scholarship. i'm scared to be happy because I still need to take steps in order to ensure that the dream that is so close can fully be achieved. so i'll save my happiness for the day I meet the deadlines. that means i'll make another post in February 2017 which is the last deadline for document submission/enrolment fees. wish me luck? haha
#3 (school life) has ended,,, uhh not much to say about that too except I know i'll miss high school. and thank you for the memories.
#4!!! so I've gotten into poetry thanks to ext eng 2!!! :D I think it's been quite an eye opener to me as a person and to the things I like about other people and random things in life. well firstly i feel things so intensely lol and i like to be able to write about the feelings i get from my experiences because it sort of immortalises that in writing and acts as a reminder. i love that. i also like other people who can feel things intensely, as in, people who are passionate. i love people who can find such beauty in small things. i love people who get lost talking about the things they love. it's so beautiful to feel things intensely and to be passionate. yeah! so sometimes when i'm listening to Claire play the piano or just meditating at home or just listening to music or just day to day things, i get into this poetry mood and it feels really good when that happens. i don't know how to explain 'good' but maybe one day i'll write a poem about that :) I've been compiling docs of draft poems so maybe when i refine some of them or maybe if i just get the time, i'll post them on here :) :D
aaaand as for #5... i have a lot of little goals !!!!
long term is:
> get REALLY fit and get good at dancing
> get good at cooking and compile a recipe book of home recipes to bring to japan
> learn the ukulele/practice
> learn how to do make-up!
> keep learning Japanese
> learn korean
short term is:
- get a mini telescope for STAR GAZING !!!!!! !!!!
- get more clothes if possible??
- do vlogging!!! get a camera in time for japan!!
and i may add to these goals over time!! :D
so yeah!!!
here is my update which also signals the end of high school and the beginning of my future and awesome things (i hope).
as always, thank you for reading :D it's weird to look back on all my past entries and i'm fearful that i will one day and that everything will be cringe worthy lol but at least know that i won't change a thing about them lol,,,
stay safe, healthy and happy readers :DD <3
- jesse
so it's been quite some time! i think it's very interesting to see how i've begun making entries less and less while becoming more and more preoccupied with life and the interesting/amazing/sometimes stressful things that are going, such as the HSC, i've literally only made one previous entry this year and that's crazy!
firstly... let me just list a bunch of things that i should talk about in terms of where my current mental state + ambitions are at --
1 > family
2 > dreams for life // views on studying? university? the changes to come?
3 > school life
4 > poetry
5 > little goals that may or may not be achieved
---
ok idk when I started that draft but let's see if I can continue where I left out lolol it's 2:38pm right now and the date is hopefully the date I will publish this draft on :)))
my buddy, how life has changed.
firstly, this leads into #4 listed up there but I did eng ext 2 as part of my HSC course (which now I can legit say it is OVER and I made it through and everyone else who did should feel proud of themselves and give themselves a good, wholesome rest!), and my major work was a suite of poems. i'm not sure if I wrote about this in a past entry but those poems were detailing the actions of those around me and how they impacted on the person I am today. if I can still recall correctly there were 5 poems, centring on family, friends, my brother, my teacher and myself. i'd kind of like to post the poems here but they're really long! but anyway the first was the heaviest because it was a mixture of my feelings at the time of the previous blog posts about the whole situation with my parents and their impact on me. but as such, everything passes and it's only natural that you either come to terms with experiences or at least learn things from them and I think i'm able to say that I've done both, perhaps.
my conclusions from the past entries have been this:
1. it's not like I've forgiven my dad for the things he did. I don't respect what he did nor how he fails to apologise for it. but I respect him because a lot of my opportunities and pleasures in life could have been lost if he had decided to leave my mum and my brother back when I wasn't yet born. because of my dad I've been able to make memories I wouldn't have, I have been able to go to places and do things I wouldn't have been able to do without his support. and unlike the figure I portray in the poetry with a "mouth cured by salt", the lone fisherman that spends too much time on a screen rather than addressing those real life issues-- dad is unmistakably human and although mistakes hurt, people can still heal and people can come to make do with what their circumstances have given them. I kind of feel like I'm rambling but my main point is, is that if I had a longer time period to finish that suite of poems the first poem about family would not be ending with this:
"By now the pain is long gone,
and so is that daughter.
She has grown different now,
though she used to be mine,
and by extension yours,
she is different now.
No longer a princess,
still spoiled a lot,
but with a sword in her hand
she knows what she's got.
And what she doesn't."
Or maybe it would end the same, at least with that conclusive tone. But I think the portrayal of the people in that poem would be different and more fleshed out. It's weird, y'know? For all the struggles and moments of spite, I love all of my family pretty much beyond words. I find it very easy to communicate my affection for my friends, SO easily, because I know that we only have a limited time together, but I find that with my family it can be so hard for some reason. I think it's probably because there is that part of my that takes them for granted and therefore it's very easy to see all the faults in one another. But I guess, thanks to my dream of wanting to go to Japan and all the experiences I've had this year with realisations of impermanence, I want to say that I've become more perceptive to the things that I should be grateful towards. I actually really love my mum and dad and seeing them happy makes me so happy I could cry (i'm a crybaby after all). It's because I know how hard they work to support me and I know I'm asking a lot from them and that I'm really lucky to be living like I am. I really treasure seeing them happy, so it kind of hurts me to think that in my journey towards achieving my dream, I am impacting on them and how they can live in the future. I want to be able to provide for myself, so I am hoping to get a job very soon (since it's the end of HSC).
To give more info, I got a 65% scholarship to go study in Japan next year and that's always been my dream. 65% because it's a tuition reduction scholarship covering the years I'll be studying there e.g 4, and while obviously the higher the better, it's actually fair enough considering how I am from a developed country and that's honestly quite a bit of money anyway to be reduced from all the fees. btw sorry if my writing is weird and there's caps and suddenly no caps and no grammar, it's because I usually write without proper grammar usage but i'm on my laptop so it automatically corrects things lol.
ANYWAY TO QUICKLY SUM UP EVERYTHING I WANTED TO GO THRU W/ #1 on the list: only recently it's struck me how important family can be. actually i'll tell u an anecdote. so basically the other day I was making pork floss with my dad because he was like 'u should see how much time this takes' and I was like 'well ok I'm finished with exams now so I can help :D' and so my eyes were opened actually to how much effort and time it took! and you know, I've always found it hard to talk with my dad. or I guess not really hard so to say but I never really made much of an effort to talk to him much because I was always afraid it would spiral into the direction of him saying something i'd disagree with and then both of us ending up in a bad mood. but the other day I asked him about his childhood because i'd heard from mum that his family used to own a restaurant. so dad told me about his father and how his father owned a restaurant but died due to a mosquito bite when dad was really young, and so his mum and the rest of his siblings had to work really hard in order to make money. so his mum made pork floss often and dad helped and they sold food to make a living. it makes sense because pork floss is dried meat and essentially should last for a long time.
you know a similar story is my mum's childhood. mum sometimes gets into a nostalgic mood and ends up telling me stories and she told me about how living in poverty was for her as a kid with her family, and how her mother often went around to the neighbours to ask for rice but the neighbours shut them out because they had to think about their own families. she told me how her mother used to buy one fish and they had to share it between I think 6 kids? and how more often than not they simply ate rice with diluted coffee to flavour it.
it struck me how different lives can be, how really, really different they can be. and although there's the saying money can't buy happiness, it really can. it's SO important in this world, so SO important in giving opportunities and paving way for happiness. but also, it's because money is so important that we should savour the things we already have such as the people around us.
so yeah. sum of point #1 is i'm grateful for family and I really want to be able to give back to my parents when I have a job later on in life. I want them to experience the beauty of japan as I have. I want to do them proud.
as for #2 I feel like I don't have much to say on that right now except now that I've gotten the scholarship I have a basis to work off for paying for the rest of the fees such as living costs/the 35% tuition/etc. and that there's a lot of prep to do in order to officially enrol such as submitting heaps of documents and getting a student visa and all and honestly that process is so intimidating haha I admittedly lost sleep last night thinking about it and how i'm scared and anxious about the things that could go wrong such as missing deadlines and ending up losing the scholarship. i'm scared to be happy because I still need to take steps in order to ensure that the dream that is so close can fully be achieved. so i'll save my happiness for the day I meet the deadlines. that means i'll make another post in February 2017 which is the last deadline for document submission/enrolment fees. wish me luck? haha
#3 (school life) has ended,,, uhh not much to say about that too except I know i'll miss high school. and thank you for the memories.
#4!!! so I've gotten into poetry thanks to ext eng 2!!! :D I think it's been quite an eye opener to me as a person and to the things I like about other people and random things in life. well firstly i feel things so intensely lol and i like to be able to write about the feelings i get from my experiences because it sort of immortalises that in writing and acts as a reminder. i love that. i also like other people who can feel things intensely, as in, people who are passionate. i love people who can find such beauty in small things. i love people who get lost talking about the things they love. it's so beautiful to feel things intensely and to be passionate. yeah! so sometimes when i'm listening to Claire play the piano or just meditating at home or just listening to music or just day to day things, i get into this poetry mood and it feels really good when that happens. i don't know how to explain 'good' but maybe one day i'll write a poem about that :) I've been compiling docs of draft poems so maybe when i refine some of them or maybe if i just get the time, i'll post them on here :) :D
aaaand as for #5... i have a lot of little goals !!!!
long term is:
> get REALLY fit and get good at dancing
> get good at cooking and compile a recipe book of home recipes to bring to japan
> learn the ukulele/practice
> learn how to do make-up!
> keep learning Japanese
> learn korean
short term is:
- get a mini telescope for STAR GAZING !!!!!! !!!!
- get more clothes if possible??
- do vlogging!!! get a camera in time for japan!!
and i may add to these goals over time!! :D
so yeah!!!
here is my update which also signals the end of high school and the beginning of my future and awesome things (i hope).
as always, thank you for reading :D it's weird to look back on all my past entries and i'm fearful that i will one day and that everything will be cringe worthy lol but at least know that i won't change a thing about them lol,,,
stay safe, healthy and happy readers :DD <3
- jesse
Saturday, 19 December 2015
entry 35
[low key screaming]
i'm really tired man
came back from an AWESOME camping trip today but basically we swam so much and body-boarding is actually so fun and i've come to appreciate the safety of lit roads and stable ground after walking to 海's house at 9pm and coming back down a cliff and feeling like a baby deer the whole way squatting and tightly sweatily gripping 海's offered hand and arriving back at the campsite at 11
save me from hell
ummm so on another note
things have been hectic, i guess
even just now, writing it up here like this makes me tired but not in that physical way /sigh
i guess i'll start from the start seeing as i'll have to as i haven't posted anything about it here or really, anything at all on here, in ages
so it began probably the day before i went to the doctors one day with a container of oatmeal at the ready for morning travels because i'm dedicated to my oatmeal
but the night before there was some kind of fight between my parents just over something really silly like it usually is and in the car on the way to the doctors my mum was the driver and she as always after these kind of things she was like, "do u see how he treats me jesse??' and i was like yea....... but like usually what i used to say was "all you have to do is just like talk to him??? try not to rise to his anger and just talk calmly???" because the fault lies in both in that they allow things to escalate so much with their words
and then mum kind of shut up and after a while she told me this thing that was perfect in time for module a of exams with english - 'discovery'
iunno man trigger alert if ur having family issues or something or you just don't really want to deal with this kind of stuff but i learnt that my dad cheated on my mum and left the family when bro was 5 and it still feels like to me that i make a big deal out of it sometimes but on the other hand the interaction between my mum and my dad affect me and my brother a great deal so maybe i'm justified
but basically when i found that out i was just so disappointed
of course my mum was like 'yeah but if there's one thing i can't fault him for it's him trying to provide for you and joey so don't get angry at ur dad u have to stay the same' and i was like ://// [angst intensifies] and iunno i just felt kinda :/ especially because like i can see how mum probably can't bring herself to try and communicate with dad when he never made the effort for her
i don't really know how her complaints went in full chronological order but they just made me so sad and angry at dad, and she also confided in me one of the things that dad said to her about having a 'second daughter' with that woman he cheated on before, and apparently he said this to her during this time when -- i don't think i ever mentioned it here? it's all a blur to me because i don't know it was a bad time --- but i used to like, scratch myself? they weren't full cuts but i used to try to injure myself and during that time apparently my mum and dad had a big fight and one thing i remember was crying in front of our christmas tree and mum leaving for work angrily and dad gone and joey coming in to try and cheer me up and saying something akin to 'if you think dad will care about what you're doing you're wrong, you just need to show him you're not affected'
but anyway dad said that he didn't care what happened to me if i killed myself or whatnot because he had a second daughter anyway
and mum said she couldn't forgive him for that
so in that car ride to the doctors i was just kind of like haha oh because i guess it just forced me to see things in a different perspective like 'ah that's why bro said that to me' and i began to really just :/ at my dad
i found that i still was grateful for everything that dad has done for me
but those actions of his do not justify the abuse that has constantly appeared through other actions
so in that fight that mum and dad had, i was fighting with dad - he asked me to take out the bins and i said i'd do it later because i was busy doing homework and he just got super angry and went on the argument that i never did anything for him and such and then he went and took out the bins himself and imo became really petty like a few days into the week my light stopped working and i was acting normally around dad, he was ignoring me and i asked for a new light and he said to go find one myself and i was like ok and tried to but couldn't find one and he was like oh well you're going to have to deal and i was like ok lol i'll do hw in joey's room instead
and then i was at my computer one day after the whole shenanigans of learning about the whole 'secret' and stuff, he like went up to me and was pretty ok and his reasoning for being angry that i hadn't taken out the bins was that we have some shady neighbours and going out in daylight is safer than at night and sure ok, i said sorry and that i'd keep that in mind next time but also that he should be understanding when i have homework and don't want to be disturbed
and then he just replied with that argument like no it only takes like 10 minutes just do it and got angry again and like exited the room
and i was like .......... and then i went out and just confronted him and was like yeah well i'm upset about another thing, i know that you cheated on mum
and he was like -silence- that's none of your business that's only between me and her
and i was like no it is my business because you're my dad and what you do affects everyone in the family
and then he got really defensive and was going like what do you want me to do??? kill myself??? don't worry i know you hate me i'll go live somewhere else soon anyway
and i was like ??????? ummmmmm how about saying sorry to mum?? i don't hate you??? literally what you are doing is running away from your problems and not solving anything
and he was like no i can't do that
and i was like why not
and he was like you'll understand when you're an adult
and i was like frankly dad, i don't see any adults in this room right now
and he was like i can't say sorry if i don't mean it
and i was like ??? well maybe this isn't for you maybe this is for mum
and he was like no it won't do anything
and i was like how do you know you haven't even tried anything
and he just wouldn't budge and so i just sighed really loudly and was like then can you at least try to stop fighting with her? and he was like she makes me say things!!!! and i was like uh huh right and he was like "but what i told her about having a second daughter wasn't true" and i was like so you said it to spite her? and he didn't answer and i just like glared at him for a long while (during this i was also having like a panic attack of sorts kind of like when you cry really hard and you start having difficulty breathing and get a bit dizzy and your heart goes weird, and twice during it he tried to hug me but i kind of just either stayed still or pushed him away) but anyway, i just said to dad that i was disappointed in him
and he was like what do you want me to do i'm not a computer
and i linked that back to the first argument we had and said yeah well that goes for us as well we can't do everything you ask us to do straight away maybe we're busy with other things first and he was like ok well tell me when you are and i'll do it and i was like ok do you promise not to get angry?? and he was like yeah
and then it just ended like that
after that i was just still in a state of disappointment with him because he avoided the topic of mum completely.
and then the other day, it was the beginning of the holidays but the context is is that my family is having lots of trouble with money at the moment - when things are stable, it's ok, but recently cars have been breaking down one after the other and then you get tensions rising with both money and family problems and then the first day of the holidays my cousin and i were cutting her dog, panda's, hair and when we put him down, there was growling and my dog rufus and panda got into a fight and panda's jaw got dislocated/broken - still not quite sure but we know it's bad because panda keeps on whining and such
that night i was like dad i think something's wrong with panda's jaw and dad was like ...no it's fine
and then the next day he was like panda's jaw is broken and i was like yeah i told you so and the problem was that surgery for panda would cost heaps of money and giving him top the rspca would still cost a few hundred, and there was also the option of putting him down
now let me first say that this is my cousin's dog and my cousin is currently in phillipines with her mum
and i'm already really hesitant as it is when it comes to money and asking for it because i know it's really difficult for them at the moment and don't want to burden them with anything and added the mounting arguments against me such as them saying that they do everything for me and i do nothing in return, so it makes me not want to ask for anything at all y'know
well i just didn't want panda to be put down because i feel like that'd be such an unfair call to make for him, because he's a young dog and for something like a broken jaw that could be fixed--- like, god y'know???
but basically it all fell to my cousin's decision as it was her dog and so i was discussing it with her on facebook and just her replies just got me so disappointed because it really felt like the only person who was really affected by everything was me and maybe even my dad but all my cousin said was "oh... well it's my mum's decision in the end"
and she kept repeating that argument and i felt so frustrated because sure it was her mum's decision but her say in it was equally important and she could persuade her mum to the choice that we both agreed was the better option e.g rspca
so then the next day we just devised a system where we feed panda soft things until we can afford to send him to the vet and that's what's been happening but basically one time my dad asked me to feed panda it was like 12pmish and usually we feed the dogs at 6ish but i didn't mind so much, i was just making my holiday plan for homework and feeling kind of stressed seeing all the things that needed to be done and i just said ok hold on i'm nearly finished when my dad got super angry again and went on another rant and somehow ended up threatening that he wouldn't support me with money and i was just like ????? then i'll have to get a part time job i guess and he just got even more angry and began saying how i never did anything for him again and how he works so hard and stuff
and i ended up getting another of those panic attacks and i just ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there and tried to calm myself down
like i knew it was partly my fault that i didn't feed panda asap but then dad and went and said those things, and like while i was in the bathroom my mum was outside the door and being angry and saying i had to apologise to dad straight away but i honestly did not feel like i did much wrong and that dad was overreacting again and i asked her to just leave me alone for a moment because i actually couldn't focus and deal with things because of the panic attack and she was like ???? and i tried to explain to her that like i was having a lot of trouble just dealing with things at the moment and she kind of scoffed and was like what are you going to kill yourself??
and that moment i just like went silent and i was so angry, i was thinking things like 'how dare you say that to me' because time and time again that's alway been the threat that mum and dad have used against me in fights, that they'd just 'kill themselves if i didn't care' and stuff and i just said that to mum
and she just kind of stormed off angrily and came back later and just kept saying i had to apologise
it's kind of still going on at the moment, like i'm lucky that i got to go camping in the first place, mum was saying she wouldn't let me go but i had already prepared food for it and stuff and in the end she let me go but on the car ride there she just kept going on about how i 'had to apologise to dad' and i 'better think about what i did' but i'm just finding it hard because i just i honestly feel like i've done nothing much wrong, i know that it's my fault i don't do things straight away and i'm always grateful for what my parents do for me and like yeah i sass and stuff but like ...... i just.......... idk make way for teenage ramblings sdfghj
my worries just remain, and i've said it to the motherhen, but it's that i feel like things just get worse and worse and the more they do i'm afraid i'll keep having these reactions to them and i end up feeling kind of like... just bad ... at the end of things and i know i'll get back to normal -- i was fine camping -- but i'm developing an apprehensiveness to coming home and seeing mum and dad
also edit about something but i went busking and the day i came home in the car like i was tired but mum launched into tons of complaints about everything bad that was happening like cars breaking down and it just made me so like i began getting really antsy and sighed really loudly and like i know mum has to vent these things but it just always happens and it never stops and i think these things do begin piling up and turn into toxicity, so anyway i sighed really loudly and mum was like what are you angry??? and i just asked her to stop and that i didn't want to hear any more and she went silent and i felt kinda bad but like.... this negativity, i feel, is so poisonous and then that night my bro called up and we had a dnm and he agreed and said that that's a huge reason why he doesn't want to come home and that usually it's hard to deal with because mum's phone calls to him are the same in that she asks about his day sometimes but after that just goes on about the bad in hers
and we don't even know what to do about it
but we just confirmed with each other that we were strong and we'd handle all this together and i think our relationship is so important and awesome :') like i owe bro a lot and he's a star and i hope he also feels better with everything that's going on with his job + girlfriend + etc
sometimes its ok but when things are bad things just seem to get worse y'know??
that's kind of a scary thing
but i know i can always find support with my friends and in the christmas spirit in the air!!!
that kind of reminds me w/ my bro but just recently, it was after busking
OH OHO HOOHHOH OMY GOD I HAVE TO TELL EVEROYNE I WENT BUSKING THIS YEAR!!!! AND IT WAS SO AMAZING WE GOT LIKE 400ISH BUCKS IN 2 DAYS AND DUUUDE WE ARE SO AMAZING ok so like WAIT OTHER PEOPLE ARE SO COOL BECAUSE LIKE THIS LADY CAME OUT WITH FRESH JUICE and i think we were singing outside some kind of legal firm or something but she came out and was like 'hey kids if it gets too hot outside you're welcome to come in any time :)' and AAAAAAAAAAA oh my god ;;; it was just so beautiful and just such preciousness is what makes everything worthwhile!! also we were busking with the song 'cant help falling in love with you' and some dude just was walking past and SANG REALLY GOOD AND AFTER THE SONG ENDED HE WAS SLOWLY WALKING AND WE LIKE CLAPPED FOR HIM BECAUSE HIS VOICE WAS ACTUALLY AMAZING
also CAN I JUST SAY LIKE do u guys remember how i like am so :') at my jap teacher well HE'S SO AWESOME ;; CRY OMG so like during the term we were talking about pokemon once and he was telling me how like when he goes to japan in 2019ish ??? he's gonna have to buy lots of pokemon stuff for his son because his son has become obsessed with pokemon and ;; HIS FAITH he was like 'hey you'll be there' and i literally was like ;;;;;;;;;;; YOUR FAITH IN ME ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and was like 'SIR YUO HAEV TO COME VISIT ME' and he was like oh for sure we've never been to kyushu before so :))) and i was like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and i was just really happy ;;; WHAT A ;;;; WHAT A MAN ;;;;; like
i don't want to settle for anything less than studying in japan and i will try my very best this coming year, 2016
OOOH HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS ABOUT UMBRELLA???
as part of an initiative (as captain i guess you could say, but in general for what the school lacks), with the help of friends we organised a mental health awareness + support group called Umbrella and it's called Umbrella because mental health is often related to clouds above your head/rain but Umbrella will be there to support you along the way y'know
haha well you get the gist
and i'm so happy
like it took quite a bit of organisation and seeing a bunch of teachers, setting a room up for meetings to take place and making a plan for meetings and on each meeting, figuring out what to talk about and what to focus on in terms of goals and such but i'm so happy and glad because we actually have quite a few people coming along to join the club on wednesday lunch times and recently for festivus (which was amazing it had sumo wrestling griffo vs anstey and GRIFFO WON and i was supporting him the whole way against rabia who supported anstey /lols, and performances and awesome stalls) and ok recently for festivus umbrella sold hot and cold drinks and made like $118?? this will go towards beyond blue so!!! I'm SO HAPPY because man i find that pretty successful!!!
rhys is this amazing guy in the years below me but he's so passionate about everything and he just makes me so happy because of the effort he puts into stuff like he made 7 litres of ice tea which didn't end up getting sold much due to all the other drinks and people preferring hot drinks due to the surprisingly cold weather but honestly rhys is such a brave soul and volunteered to talk about his experiences with stress in one meeting
AND ALSO IT WAS SO COOL like we had a stress management meeting before exams and alumni came in and talked about stuff and so did rhys and we have minutes with the advice compiled on it and it's pinned outside on our NOTICE BOARD dO U KNO HOW COOL THAT IS but also like I'M SO HAPPY because like i hope it'll be helpful to kids !!!!! like !!! man!!!! and the COUNSELLOR WAS LIKE hey jesse i'm happy because this group is going well and thank you for your effort in making this group and i was like ;;;;;;;; I'm SO GLAD like NO PROBLEM AT ALL
and like goood OMG ALSO FOR THE UMBRELLA STALL THIS GIRL SAM VOLUNTEERED TO MAKE POSTERS AND AAAAAA THE YWERE SO BEAUTIFUL I WAS ACTUALLY SO HAPPY AND OMG I'M SO HAPPY THAT UMBRELLA HAS SO MANY PASSIONATE BEAUTIFUL HELPFUL MEMBERS LIKE WOW!!!!!!!
YEAH!!!!!
i think it's so important to recognise like all the good things that are happening outside of the house y'know and school and my friends and all the amazing things that others achieve are so worthwhile and keep me grounded
so yeah
holidays have begun and you bet your BUTTS they'll be PRODUCTIVE i have to make griffo proud with JAP WORK!!! AAAAAAAAAAA
ok but maybe not today i'm so tired today :')
tomorrow/// I WILL DO A LOT .......
YEAH
WISH ME LUCK>!??!?!?!?! (i don't need luck i have DETERMINATION aaaa that reminds me undertale is a good game and i'm learning new americana by halsey (AWESOME SINGER MAN) on the piano and one punch man + haikyuu season 2 IS WHAT ENRICHES MY SOUL AAA and yeah nice BD)
see you and i hope everyone has AMAZING things come to then in the end of this year and the year to come. HOPE YOU SMILE HEAPS TODAY!!!! and don't worry about me too much if you are... i just need to get things off my chest sometimes and talk to people and i'll be fine, i'm a spry youth
i'm really tired man
came back from an AWESOME camping trip today but basically we swam so much and body-boarding is actually so fun and i've come to appreciate the safety of lit roads and stable ground after walking to 海's house at 9pm and coming back down a cliff and feeling like a baby deer the whole way squatting and tightly sweatily gripping 海's offered hand and arriving back at the campsite at 11
save me from hell
ummm so on another note
things have been hectic, i guess
even just now, writing it up here like this makes me tired but not in that physical way /sigh
i guess i'll start from the start seeing as i'll have to as i haven't posted anything about it here or really, anything at all on here, in ages
so it began probably the day before i went to the doctors one day with a container of oatmeal at the ready for morning travels because i'm dedicated to my oatmeal
but the night before there was some kind of fight between my parents just over something really silly like it usually is and in the car on the way to the doctors my mum was the driver and she as always after these kind of things she was like, "do u see how he treats me jesse??' and i was like yea....... but like usually what i used to say was "all you have to do is just like talk to him??? try not to rise to his anger and just talk calmly???" because the fault lies in both in that they allow things to escalate so much with their words
and then mum kind of shut up and after a while she told me this thing that was perfect in time for module a of exams with english - 'discovery'
iunno man trigger alert if ur having family issues or something or you just don't really want to deal with this kind of stuff but i learnt that my dad cheated on my mum and left the family when bro was 5 and it still feels like to me that i make a big deal out of it sometimes but on the other hand the interaction between my mum and my dad affect me and my brother a great deal so maybe i'm justified
but basically when i found that out i was just so disappointed
of course my mum was like 'yeah but if there's one thing i can't fault him for it's him trying to provide for you and joey so don't get angry at ur dad u have to stay the same' and i was like ://// [angst intensifies] and iunno i just felt kinda :/ especially because like i can see how mum probably can't bring herself to try and communicate with dad when he never made the effort for her
i don't really know how her complaints went in full chronological order but they just made me so sad and angry at dad, and she also confided in me one of the things that dad said to her about having a 'second daughter' with that woman he cheated on before, and apparently he said this to her during this time when -- i don't think i ever mentioned it here? it's all a blur to me because i don't know it was a bad time --- but i used to like, scratch myself? they weren't full cuts but i used to try to injure myself and during that time apparently my mum and dad had a big fight and one thing i remember was crying in front of our christmas tree and mum leaving for work angrily and dad gone and joey coming in to try and cheer me up and saying something akin to 'if you think dad will care about what you're doing you're wrong, you just need to show him you're not affected'
but anyway dad said that he didn't care what happened to me if i killed myself or whatnot because he had a second daughter anyway
and mum said she couldn't forgive him for that
so in that car ride to the doctors i was just kind of like haha oh because i guess it just forced me to see things in a different perspective like 'ah that's why bro said that to me' and i began to really just :/ at my dad
i found that i still was grateful for everything that dad has done for me
but those actions of his do not justify the abuse that has constantly appeared through other actions
so in that fight that mum and dad had, i was fighting with dad - he asked me to take out the bins and i said i'd do it later because i was busy doing homework and he just got super angry and went on the argument that i never did anything for him and such and then he went and took out the bins himself and imo became really petty like a few days into the week my light stopped working and i was acting normally around dad, he was ignoring me and i asked for a new light and he said to go find one myself and i was like ok and tried to but couldn't find one and he was like oh well you're going to have to deal and i was like ok lol i'll do hw in joey's room instead
and then i was at my computer one day after the whole shenanigans of learning about the whole 'secret' and stuff, he like went up to me and was pretty ok and his reasoning for being angry that i hadn't taken out the bins was that we have some shady neighbours and going out in daylight is safer than at night and sure ok, i said sorry and that i'd keep that in mind next time but also that he should be understanding when i have homework and don't want to be disturbed
and then he just replied with that argument like no it only takes like 10 minutes just do it and got angry again and like exited the room
and i was like .......... and then i went out and just confronted him and was like yeah well i'm upset about another thing, i know that you cheated on mum
and he was like -silence- that's none of your business that's only between me and her
and i was like no it is my business because you're my dad and what you do affects everyone in the family
and then he got really defensive and was going like what do you want me to do??? kill myself??? don't worry i know you hate me i'll go live somewhere else soon anyway
and i was like ??????? ummmmmm how about saying sorry to mum?? i don't hate you??? literally what you are doing is running away from your problems and not solving anything
and he was like no i can't do that
and i was like why not
and he was like you'll understand when you're an adult
and i was like frankly dad, i don't see any adults in this room right now
and he was like i can't say sorry if i don't mean it
and i was like ??? well maybe this isn't for you maybe this is for mum
and he was like no it won't do anything
and i was like how do you know you haven't even tried anything
and he just wouldn't budge and so i just sighed really loudly and was like then can you at least try to stop fighting with her? and he was like she makes me say things!!!! and i was like uh huh right and he was like "but what i told her about having a second daughter wasn't true" and i was like so you said it to spite her? and he didn't answer and i just like glared at him for a long while (during this i was also having like a panic attack of sorts kind of like when you cry really hard and you start having difficulty breathing and get a bit dizzy and your heart goes weird, and twice during it he tried to hug me but i kind of just either stayed still or pushed him away) but anyway, i just said to dad that i was disappointed in him
and he was like what do you want me to do i'm not a computer
and i linked that back to the first argument we had and said yeah well that goes for us as well we can't do everything you ask us to do straight away maybe we're busy with other things first and he was like ok well tell me when you are and i'll do it and i was like ok do you promise not to get angry?? and he was like yeah
and then it just ended like that
after that i was just still in a state of disappointment with him because he avoided the topic of mum completely.
and then the other day, it was the beginning of the holidays but the context is is that my family is having lots of trouble with money at the moment - when things are stable, it's ok, but recently cars have been breaking down one after the other and then you get tensions rising with both money and family problems and then the first day of the holidays my cousin and i were cutting her dog, panda's, hair and when we put him down, there was growling and my dog rufus and panda got into a fight and panda's jaw got dislocated/broken - still not quite sure but we know it's bad because panda keeps on whining and such
that night i was like dad i think something's wrong with panda's jaw and dad was like ...no it's fine
and then the next day he was like panda's jaw is broken and i was like yeah i told you so and the problem was that surgery for panda would cost heaps of money and giving him top the rspca would still cost a few hundred, and there was also the option of putting him down
now let me first say that this is my cousin's dog and my cousin is currently in phillipines with her mum
and i'm already really hesitant as it is when it comes to money and asking for it because i know it's really difficult for them at the moment and don't want to burden them with anything and added the mounting arguments against me such as them saying that they do everything for me and i do nothing in return, so it makes me not want to ask for anything at all y'know
well i just didn't want panda to be put down because i feel like that'd be such an unfair call to make for him, because he's a young dog and for something like a broken jaw that could be fixed--- like, god y'know???
but basically it all fell to my cousin's decision as it was her dog and so i was discussing it with her on facebook and just her replies just got me so disappointed because it really felt like the only person who was really affected by everything was me and maybe even my dad but all my cousin said was "oh... well it's my mum's decision in the end"
and she kept repeating that argument and i felt so frustrated because sure it was her mum's decision but her say in it was equally important and she could persuade her mum to the choice that we both agreed was the better option e.g rspca
so then the next day we just devised a system where we feed panda soft things until we can afford to send him to the vet and that's what's been happening but basically one time my dad asked me to feed panda it was like 12pmish and usually we feed the dogs at 6ish but i didn't mind so much, i was just making my holiday plan for homework and feeling kind of stressed seeing all the things that needed to be done and i just said ok hold on i'm nearly finished when my dad got super angry again and went on another rant and somehow ended up threatening that he wouldn't support me with money and i was just like ????? then i'll have to get a part time job i guess and he just got even more angry and began saying how i never did anything for him again and how he works so hard and stuff
and i ended up getting another of those panic attacks and i just ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there and tried to calm myself down
like i knew it was partly my fault that i didn't feed panda asap but then dad and went and said those things, and like while i was in the bathroom my mum was outside the door and being angry and saying i had to apologise to dad straight away but i honestly did not feel like i did much wrong and that dad was overreacting again and i asked her to just leave me alone for a moment because i actually couldn't focus and deal with things because of the panic attack and she was like ???? and i tried to explain to her that like i was having a lot of trouble just dealing with things at the moment and she kind of scoffed and was like what are you going to kill yourself??
and that moment i just like went silent and i was so angry, i was thinking things like 'how dare you say that to me' because time and time again that's alway been the threat that mum and dad have used against me in fights, that they'd just 'kill themselves if i didn't care' and stuff and i just said that to mum
and she just kind of stormed off angrily and came back later and just kept saying i had to apologise
it's kind of still going on at the moment, like i'm lucky that i got to go camping in the first place, mum was saying she wouldn't let me go but i had already prepared food for it and stuff and in the end she let me go but on the car ride there she just kept going on about how i 'had to apologise to dad' and i 'better think about what i did' but i'm just finding it hard because i just i honestly feel like i've done nothing much wrong, i know that it's my fault i don't do things straight away and i'm always grateful for what my parents do for me and like yeah i sass and stuff but like ...... i just.......... idk make way for teenage ramblings sdfghj
my worries just remain, and i've said it to the motherhen, but it's that i feel like things just get worse and worse and the more they do i'm afraid i'll keep having these reactions to them and i end up feeling kind of like... just bad ... at the end of things and i know i'll get back to normal -- i was fine camping -- but i'm developing an apprehensiveness to coming home and seeing mum and dad
also edit about something but i went busking and the day i came home in the car like i was tired but mum launched into tons of complaints about everything bad that was happening like cars breaking down and it just made me so like i began getting really antsy and sighed really loudly and like i know mum has to vent these things but it just always happens and it never stops and i think these things do begin piling up and turn into toxicity, so anyway i sighed really loudly and mum was like what are you angry??? and i just asked her to stop and that i didn't want to hear any more and she went silent and i felt kinda bad but like.... this negativity, i feel, is so poisonous and then that night my bro called up and we had a dnm and he agreed and said that that's a huge reason why he doesn't want to come home and that usually it's hard to deal with because mum's phone calls to him are the same in that she asks about his day sometimes but after that just goes on about the bad in hers
and we don't even know what to do about it
but we just confirmed with each other that we were strong and we'd handle all this together and i think our relationship is so important and awesome :') like i owe bro a lot and he's a star and i hope he also feels better with everything that's going on with his job + girlfriend + etc
sometimes its ok but when things are bad things just seem to get worse y'know??
that's kind of a scary thing
but i know i can always find support with my friends and in the christmas spirit in the air!!!
that kind of reminds me w/ my bro but just recently, it was after busking
OH OHO HOOHHOH OMY GOD I HAVE TO TELL EVEROYNE I WENT BUSKING THIS YEAR!!!! AND IT WAS SO AMAZING WE GOT LIKE 400ISH BUCKS IN 2 DAYS AND DUUUDE WE ARE SO AMAZING ok so like WAIT OTHER PEOPLE ARE SO COOL BECAUSE LIKE THIS LADY CAME OUT WITH FRESH JUICE and i think we were singing outside some kind of legal firm or something but she came out and was like 'hey kids if it gets too hot outside you're welcome to come in any time :)' and AAAAAAAAAAA oh my god ;;; it was just so beautiful and just such preciousness is what makes everything worthwhile!! also we were busking with the song 'cant help falling in love with you' and some dude just was walking past and SANG REALLY GOOD AND AFTER THE SONG ENDED HE WAS SLOWLY WALKING AND WE LIKE CLAPPED FOR HIM BECAUSE HIS VOICE WAS ACTUALLY AMAZING
also CAN I JUST SAY LIKE do u guys remember how i like am so :') at my jap teacher well HE'S SO AWESOME ;; CRY OMG so like during the term we were talking about pokemon once and he was telling me how like when he goes to japan in 2019ish ??? he's gonna have to buy lots of pokemon stuff for his son because his son has become obsessed with pokemon and ;; HIS FAITH he was like 'hey you'll be there' and i literally was like ;;;;;;;;;;; YOUR FAITH IN ME ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and was like 'SIR YUO HAEV TO COME VISIT ME' and he was like oh for sure we've never been to kyushu before so :))) and i was like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and i was just really happy ;;; WHAT A ;;;; WHAT A MAN ;;;;; like
i don't want to settle for anything less than studying in japan and i will try my very best this coming year, 2016
OOOH HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS ABOUT UMBRELLA???
as part of an initiative (as captain i guess you could say, but in general for what the school lacks), with the help of friends we organised a mental health awareness + support group called Umbrella and it's called Umbrella because mental health is often related to clouds above your head/rain but Umbrella will be there to support you along the way y'know
haha well you get the gist
and i'm so happy
like it took quite a bit of organisation and seeing a bunch of teachers, setting a room up for meetings to take place and making a plan for meetings and on each meeting, figuring out what to talk about and what to focus on in terms of goals and such but i'm so happy and glad because we actually have quite a few people coming along to join the club on wednesday lunch times and recently for festivus (which was amazing it had sumo wrestling griffo vs anstey and GRIFFO WON and i was supporting him the whole way against rabia who supported anstey /lols, and performances and awesome stalls) and ok recently for festivus umbrella sold hot and cold drinks and made like $118?? this will go towards beyond blue so!!! I'm SO HAPPY because man i find that pretty successful!!!
rhys is this amazing guy in the years below me but he's so passionate about everything and he just makes me so happy because of the effort he puts into stuff like he made 7 litres of ice tea which didn't end up getting sold much due to all the other drinks and people preferring hot drinks due to the surprisingly cold weather but honestly rhys is such a brave soul and volunteered to talk about his experiences with stress in one meeting
AND ALSO IT WAS SO COOL like we had a stress management meeting before exams and alumni came in and talked about stuff and so did rhys and we have minutes with the advice compiled on it and it's pinned outside on our NOTICE BOARD dO U KNO HOW COOL THAT IS but also like I'M SO HAPPY because like i hope it'll be helpful to kids !!!!! like !!! man!!!! and the COUNSELLOR WAS LIKE hey jesse i'm happy because this group is going well and thank you for your effort in making this group and i was like ;;;;;;;; I'm SO GLAD like NO PROBLEM AT ALL
and like goood OMG ALSO FOR THE UMBRELLA STALL THIS GIRL SAM VOLUNTEERED TO MAKE POSTERS AND AAAAAA THE YWERE SO BEAUTIFUL I WAS ACTUALLY SO HAPPY AND OMG I'M SO HAPPY THAT UMBRELLA HAS SO MANY PASSIONATE BEAUTIFUL HELPFUL MEMBERS LIKE WOW!!!!!!!
YEAH!!!!!
i think it's so important to recognise like all the good things that are happening outside of the house y'know and school and my friends and all the amazing things that others achieve are so worthwhile and keep me grounded
so yeah
holidays have begun and you bet your BUTTS they'll be PRODUCTIVE i have to make griffo proud with JAP WORK!!! AAAAAAAAAAA
ok but maybe not today i'm so tired today :')
tomorrow/// I WILL DO A LOT .......
YEAH
WISH ME LUCK>!??!?!?!?! (i don't need luck i have DETERMINATION aaaa that reminds me undertale is a good game and i'm learning new americana by halsey (AWESOME SINGER MAN) on the piano and one punch man + haikyuu season 2 IS WHAT ENRICHES MY SOUL AAA and yeah nice BD)
see you and i hope everyone has AMAZING things come to then in the end of this year and the year to come. HOPE YOU SMILE HEAPS TODAY!!!! and don't worry about me too much if you are... i just need to get things off my chest sometimes and talk to people and i'll be fine, i'm a spry youth
Thursday, 30 April 2015
entry 33
is altruism real?
apparently they discussed that question in year 10 philosophy but i never did it so i guess i don't really know the answer.
smiles are simply beautiful y'know? especially when they're aimed at you! like holy crap, what some people would do to get others to smile. random ass things that's what. i'm currently eating oatmeal and the greek yoghurt ran out :')
so uhhhh
i sometimes feel like if i write stuff down here, it'll jinx me. as in i'll write something awesome that happened and then follow it up with some kind of action that makes awkwardness befall on everything else. you feel? :/
for the sake of not wanting to forget (heck i have to write about the japanese trip still but i do remember lots of things from it... god do i want to go back - but the thing is i want to go back with the class again, just for that same feeling. highschool is coming to an end, it's scary, i don't want it to end at the same time as i am excited for the end... but i just don't want to leave my year haha), here i go hey:
--------------
Me:
after gyoza right people had to clean and i just helped to gather some plates and i'm so glad i did ;;; like it was just me lenalee (*refer to february 2014), jude, let's call her ummmm lola coz she could totes pull off a saucy pin-up girl look and rock it, and snay - who were cleaning stuff up
and so we went to the staff kitchen and washed things there
and like at first jude filled the sink up with water and lola was getting a sponge and stuff but it would've took a bit of time for her to clean everything so i got another sponge and helped her clean and iunno suddenly i was cleaning and using sponges and lola and jude were drying or lola was doing something and lenalee was doing something else
and like ;; meanwhile we were talking and just making jokes like jude was like nah you don't need to rinse stuff and i was like but it's soapy man and lenalee was like yeah people are gonna eat from that
and like why did jude fill up the sink with water coz we didn't need it filled
but like we were just talking and it was nice ;;; and like jude was asking for the knife covers
so i gave them to him and like when i did i'm going to cry like his hand kind of did this thing and i s2g it's probs just me but like slowly grazed my finger i'm gonna cry but his hand was so gentle save me
and like in the moment it wasn't so !!!Ssadjdj/sob
it was more like ??
and like after that we finished washing and griffo treated us to more gyoza
Cookie:
Because he washes the dishes white people way
Omg even more haha
YOUR SHOUJO MOMENT
Graze of the hand
Me:
LOL yeah and me and lenalee and lola were joking like maybe it's just us
yeah ;;;;;;;;; and like omg so after we were walking out of the class
i was like to jude nice dancing w/ the harmony thing btw
Cookie:
Im proud of u man
Me:
and he was like hahaha thank you and i was like ;;
and then in eng ext
like iunno we were given a presentation apparently due next week tuesday and i was like what because y'know bio and music camp
when jude was like hey jesse
and i was like oh yo man and like it was across tables
and like sir bro was talking and he said something
Cookie:
Yo man...
Me:
and i couldn't hear it so i was like could u say that again
i'm paraphrasing ok ;;
Cookie:
Oh thank god
Me:
and he said it again but i couldn't hear it coz at the same time
sir bro was talking
Cookie:
I thought you actually said that
Lol it was probably "you have a lot of grey hairs"
Me:
and like i was like i can't hear you kind of in like a 'laughing coz u keep trying but sir bro keeps talking' kind of way
Cookie:
Lol i can actually imagine this happen
Me:
and he did this cute little smile om i'm /sob like he smiled in the 'i know' kind of way and i was like ;;;
and then finally after sir bro finished he was like
aren't we going to the tanken centre next week?
and i was like ?? the tanken centre? i had no idea about that
and he was like yeah apparently we might be going there next week or maybe the week after i'm not sure
Cookie:
I dont think so...
Me:
and i was like oh okay that's sweet!! and he was like :) and i was like :)
and that was it
but ;;;;;;;;
Cookie:
AWWWW HE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO ASK UN THO
Me:
YEAH I WAS JUST HTINKGIN THAT
/SOB
LIKE i had no idea i'm gonna cry he's so cudfhasdjashdfghj
omgmgmgmmg SAVE ME BRI
THE PINKY GRAZE
/DIES
Cookie:
IT'S OKAY JESSE
Me:
THE PINKY GRAZE KILLED ME
Cookie:
U gotta make more moments like this happen k
Me:
OMG I REENACTED IT WITH MY BRO
LIKE I WAS TELLING HIM THE STORY
Cookie:
Just dont force it too much
Me:
AND HE DIDN't GET IT
YES!!!! okay!!!
Cookie:
Omfg u reenacted it
Me:
i'm not sure what i'd talk to him about... but then again it's just about making friends so like just be normal huh
yeah and then my bro was like ohhhh i get you
and like he told me this story how he did that with this girl he liked once called joanne
Cookie:
Yeah treat him as a normal person
Not someone you like
Otherwise you'll get too caught up
Me:
yeah
Cookie:
Like everyone haha
Me:
your advice is really great bri-chi /sob
Cookie:
Omg joanne haha
Me:
yeah omg and so apparently it was rainy
and guess what there was only one umbrella
Cookie:
shoujo manga has showed me the ways
Frick and they went to a shrine
And he invited her to the summer festival?
Me:
and so joanne was like i'll hold it and my bro was like nah it's okay i'll hold it and like so she didn't stop holding it so he put his hand on hers and she didn't mind and then he didn't know what to do with his other arm so he put his arm around her and was like "alright we gotta battle this rain!!" and apparently it worked
yes you predicted it
you got it so right i'm in awe
bri i'm so happy ;; like we actually talk to each other a bit and it doesn't feel too awkward haha but also i'M SO EXCITED FOR THE APPARENT TANKEN CENTRE THING??? LIKE I'VE BEEN MISSING SO MUCH JAPANESE DUE TO EXCURSIONS BUT NOW WE MIGHT BE GOING ON A JAP EXCURSION I WAS actually like so happy
Cookie:
Omg this joanne chick so wanted in too haha
Tanken centre much fun such wow
It'll be cool tho cos my friends will actually be here this time haha
what weren't we there with u last time
Me:
OMG IT WOULD BE SO GOod
IT WILL BE
THE BEST
/sBp
o'm jsut still kinda :')
hsi hand was so gentle wth total shoujo moment i'm crying also i'm just a bit happy?? iunno but that he went out of his way probably not much but y'know to just tell me about the whole tanken centre deal like it's interesting coz it's different from with lachlan? like before then every time i'd talk to him it was just so taboo kinda and like his friends would be so /save me
but this is a good start like i feel like maybe y'know if i take things step by step maybe it'll be ok???
Cookie:
Last time we weren't in the same class so i was with yass, sam and claire but claire bailed out cos she had a jpn stdent
Yeh friends first man
Otherwise you might realise that he's not what you imagined him to be and then it's hard to fall back on friendship
At least that's what happened to me
Me:
yeah
wow shoujo really has done you good
and experience
;;; my beautiful precious bae
Cookie:
SHOUJO IS THE WORLD
Me:
YOU ARE THE WORLD
/SOB
Cookie:
IT HAS OPENED UP SOMUCH
...
Me:
/SOB
LOVE YOU SO MUCH /SOB
you make me so happy bri-chi /sob for your advice and listening to me and everything ;;;;;;;;;;;
Cookie:
you remind me of makita yuuri from ao haru ride hahaha
no problem, you guys have done the same
so now time for me to return
makita yuuri is that the one with the short hair
Me:
/SOB OMG
you seriously like captured my heart with that smooth baby butt line
marry me
Cookie:
yes she is hahaha
.... smooth baby butt line
PLS NO MORE
I
have been receiving too much cheesy stuff from friends
Me:
:)))))) i love it ur so cute man
smooth baby butt line
YOU ARE a smooth baby butt
BD
ao haru ride is actually so much teenage drama man
-------------
and there you go
honestly after that i was just feeling really happy and i don't know like i was looking at hamilla and smiling because her smile looked so sweet in the moment she was probs telling the bandaid some crappy pun or something but honestly
altruism huh
/smiles
(i couldn't find an emoticon that could express myself so i wrote the above instead)
have a wonderful day!
also i just wanna say i'm so excited because i'm going to zone and i got 100% on my japanese test so i'm really proud!
bye!!
apparently they discussed that question in year 10 philosophy but i never did it so i guess i don't really know the answer.
smiles are simply beautiful y'know? especially when they're aimed at you! like holy crap, what some people would do to get others to smile. random ass things that's what. i'm currently eating oatmeal and the greek yoghurt ran out :')
so uhhhh
i sometimes feel like if i write stuff down here, it'll jinx me. as in i'll write something awesome that happened and then follow it up with some kind of action that makes awkwardness befall on everything else. you feel? :/
for the sake of not wanting to forget (heck i have to write about the japanese trip still but i do remember lots of things from it... god do i want to go back - but the thing is i want to go back with the class again, just for that same feeling. highschool is coming to an end, it's scary, i don't want it to end at the same time as i am excited for the end... but i just don't want to leave my year haha), here i go hey:
--------------
Me:
after gyoza right people had to clean and i just helped to gather some plates and i'm so glad i did ;;; like it was just me lenalee (*refer to february 2014), jude, let's call her ummmm lola coz she could totes pull off a saucy pin-up girl look and rock it, and snay - who were cleaning stuff up
and so we went to the staff kitchen and washed things there
and like at first jude filled the sink up with water and lola was getting a sponge and stuff but it would've took a bit of time for her to clean everything so i got another sponge and helped her clean and iunno suddenly i was cleaning and using sponges and lola and jude were drying or lola was doing something and lenalee was doing something else
and like ;; meanwhile we were talking and just making jokes like jude was like nah you don't need to rinse stuff and i was like but it's soapy man and lenalee was like yeah people are gonna eat from that
and like why did jude fill up the sink with water coz we didn't need it filled
but like we were just talking and it was nice ;;; and like jude was asking for the knife covers
so i gave them to him and like when i did i'm going to cry like his hand kind of did this thing and i s2g it's probs just me but like slowly grazed my finger i'm gonna cry but his hand was so gentle save me
and like in the moment it wasn't so !!!Ssadjdj/sob
it was more like ??
and like after that we finished washing and griffo treated us to more gyoza
Cookie:
Because he washes the dishes white people way
Omg even more haha
YOUR SHOUJO MOMENT
Graze of the hand
Me:
LOL yeah and me and lenalee and lola were joking like maybe it's just us
yeah ;;;;;;;;; and like omg so after we were walking out of the class
i was like to jude nice dancing w/ the harmony thing btw
Cookie:
Im proud of u man
Me:
and he was like hahaha thank you and i was like ;;
and then in eng ext
like iunno we were given a presentation apparently due next week tuesday and i was like what because y'know bio and music camp
when jude was like hey jesse
and i was like oh yo man and like it was across tables
and like sir bro was talking and he said something
Cookie:
Yo man...
Me:
and i couldn't hear it so i was like could u say that again
i'm paraphrasing ok ;;
Cookie:
Oh thank god
Me:
and he said it again but i couldn't hear it coz at the same time
sir bro was talking
Cookie:
I thought you actually said that
Lol it was probably "you have a lot of grey hairs"
Me:
and like i was like i can't hear you kind of in like a 'laughing coz u keep trying but sir bro keeps talking' kind of way
Cookie:
Lol i can actually imagine this happen
Me:
and he did this cute little smile om i'm /sob like he smiled in the 'i know' kind of way and i was like ;;;
and then finally after sir bro finished he was like
aren't we going to the tanken centre next week?
and i was like ?? the tanken centre? i had no idea about that
and he was like yeah apparently we might be going there next week or maybe the week after i'm not sure
Cookie:
I dont think so...
Me:
and i was like oh okay that's sweet!! and he was like :) and i was like :)
and that was it
but ;;;;;;;;
Cookie:
AWWWW HE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO ASK UN THO
Me:
YEAH I WAS JUST HTINKGIN THAT
/SOB
LIKE i had no idea i'm gonna cry he's so cudfhasdjashdfghj
omgmgmgmmg SAVE ME BRI
THE PINKY GRAZE
/DIES
Cookie:
IT'S OKAY JESSE
Me:
THE PINKY GRAZE KILLED ME
Cookie:
U gotta make more moments like this happen k
Me:
OMG I REENACTED IT WITH MY BRO
LIKE I WAS TELLING HIM THE STORY
Cookie:
Just dont force it too much
Me:
AND HE DIDN't GET IT
YES!!!! okay!!!
Cookie:
Omfg u reenacted it
Me:
i'm not sure what i'd talk to him about... but then again it's just about making friends so like just be normal huh
yeah and then my bro was like ohhhh i get you
and like he told me this story how he did that with this girl he liked once called joanne
Cookie:
Yeah treat him as a normal person
Not someone you like
Otherwise you'll get too caught up
Me:
yeah
Cookie:
Like everyone haha
Me:
your advice is really great bri-chi /sob
Cookie:
Omg joanne haha
Me:
yeah omg and so apparently it was rainy
and guess what there was only one umbrella
Cookie:
shoujo manga has showed me the ways
Frick and they went to a shrine
And he invited her to the summer festival?
Me:
and so joanne was like i'll hold it and my bro was like nah it's okay i'll hold it and like so she didn't stop holding it so he put his hand on hers and she didn't mind and then he didn't know what to do with his other arm so he put his arm around her and was like "alright we gotta battle this rain!!" and apparently it worked
yes you predicted it
you got it so right i'm in awe
bri i'm so happy ;; like we actually talk to each other a bit and it doesn't feel too awkward haha but also i'M SO EXCITED FOR THE APPARENT TANKEN CENTRE THING??? LIKE I'VE BEEN MISSING SO MUCH JAPANESE DUE TO EXCURSIONS BUT NOW WE MIGHT BE GOING ON A JAP EXCURSION I WAS actually like so happy
Cookie:
Omg this joanne chick so wanted in too haha
Tanken centre much fun such wow
It'll be cool tho cos my friends will actually be here this time haha
what weren't we there with u last time
Me:
OMG IT WOULD BE SO GOod
IT WILL BE
THE BEST
/sBp
o'm jsut still kinda :')
hsi hand was so gentle wth total shoujo moment i'm crying also i'm just a bit happy?? iunno but that he went out of his way probably not much but y'know to just tell me about the whole tanken centre deal like it's interesting coz it's different from with lachlan? like before then every time i'd talk to him it was just so taboo kinda and like his friends would be so /save me
but this is a good start like i feel like maybe y'know if i take things step by step maybe it'll be ok???
Cookie:
Last time we weren't in the same class so i was with yass, sam and claire but claire bailed out cos she had a jpn stdent
Yeh friends first man
Otherwise you might realise that he's not what you imagined him to be and then it's hard to fall back on friendship
At least that's what happened to me
Me:
yeah
wow shoujo really has done you good
and experience
;;; my beautiful precious bae
Cookie:
SHOUJO IS THE WORLD
Me:
YOU ARE THE WORLD
/SOB
Cookie:
IT HAS OPENED UP SOMUCH
...
Me:
/SOB
LOVE YOU SO MUCH /SOB
you make me so happy bri-chi /sob for your advice and listening to me and everything ;;;;;;;;;;;
Cookie:
you remind me of makita yuuri from ao haru ride hahaha
no problem, you guys have done the same
so now time for me to return
makita yuuri is that the one with the short hair
Me:
/SOB OMG
you seriously like captured my heart with that smooth baby butt line
marry me
Cookie:
yes she is hahaha
.... smooth baby butt line
PLS NO MORE
I
have been receiving too much cheesy stuff from friends
Me:
:)))))) i love it ur so cute man
smooth baby butt line
YOU ARE a smooth baby butt
BD
ao haru ride is actually so much teenage drama man
-------------
and there you go
honestly after that i was just feeling really happy and i don't know like i was looking at hamilla and smiling because her smile looked so sweet in the moment she was probs telling the bandaid some crappy pun or something but honestly
altruism huh
/smiles
(i couldn't find an emoticon that could express myself so i wrote the above instead)
have a wonderful day!
also i just wanna say i'm so excited because i'm going to zone and i got 100% on my japanese test so i'm really proud!
bye!!
Wednesday, 8 April 2015
entry 32
Motherhen:
If you have the determination then you can do it
My Dad always says "Luck is opportunity meets preparation"
Me:
that's a really nice quote
Motherhen:
So if you make sure you're on the lookout for opportunities
And if you're prepared
Then you can talk to him!!
There's no reason why you couldn't
Me:
gooooood you're beautiful like those are such nice
Motherhen:
Yeah you should put it on your wall B)
Me:
B) i will
Motherhen:
I am pretty beautiful
Me:
you really are
Motherhen:
But you're MORE beautiful
Me:
nO you don't say that man
Motherhen:
Ugh FINE we're EQUALLY beautiful
But anyway
Me:
i think everyone has equal potential for beauty and that we're well-matched B)
LOL
Motherhen:
Yeah so don't feel so down about it!! Because you can do it!!
Me:
BD
i, hhgg i think i'm actually pretty fallen like today i just kind of thought of him when i saw the cricket going on and i had this thought and it was "_____ might be watching this, he likes cricket doesn't he?" so i sat down and observed it for a bit because i thought maybe if i could understand a bit or have a big of knowledge over it maybe i could...
Motherhen:
Awwwww
AWWWWWWWWWWW
Me:
and it went weird because my FACe i felt it in my FACE you know... like when you think of the person you like....... and your eyes go soft?? oh god
Motherhen:
/dies because of cuteness
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Me:
and it did that and i realised i did that and i was like CRAP this really isn't good i've done the thing i've gone and done the thing
UGH
Motherhen:
D: that's so cute
Me:
D:
me too
D:
Motherhen:
You know what this is GOOD
You might not realise it
But however this goes
You'll grow and learn from the experiences
................................................................................................................................................
well ANYWAY
you know i should probably ask permission to use conversations as transcripts for my blog... you know what i mean...?
today is a beautiful day [1/4/15 - cross country] and some really awesome things have happened in the past week
------and MAN jesus christ i've had this draft floating here for a while and i'm hoping to get it done by today so let's begin again shall we? [8/4/15]
i just wanna point out that in the first date i wrote there, i put there year as 2012 :////// ???
well okay i changed it
right now my computer room smells like tuna and cheese and sweet potato
and THAT'S A-OKAY WITH ME MAN YEAH, smells good
anyway
i think there's something really great about putting lots of effort into something and being able to share the gratification of some sort of reward, achievement - with someone else who has put in just as much effort as you. that's something beautiful and connecting, i think! for example, it was just really offhand but after doing the cross country I CAME SEVENTH IN 16 YEAR OLD GIRLS /CHOKED SOBBING and i'm still really proud of that ehe but basically i was just waiting for my friends to pop up at the finish line when i just made conversation with ladybug guy and it was just really nice and friendly and all and we were just talking about the places we came, i was like how'd you go man? :) and he was like i came sixth, and i was like WOAH SERIOUSLY MAN?? that is so cool coz like i came seventh and he was like wow sweet!! and we high fived and high fives warm my heart ;;; and then we began talking about fitness and stuff and while it was a very brief conversation it was really nice to share the same kind of achievement with someone??
and even during running it was so great, along the track i passed by people i knew from my year and some just called out "go jesse!" and "keep it up!" and having that kind of encouragement handed to you, iunno it just really touched me for some reason and i was so happy and honoured to be on the receiving end of those short statements
aND FRIENDS ARE LIKE SO COOL OKAY SO
cinnamon and hamilla, i was just talking about how i was so ready to crosS THE COUNTRY and all and cinnamon and hamilla were like hey you go girl; i have no idea where my other friends were at the moment and i was like thank you ;; and talking about encouragement, while i was beginning to run, they were the ones who were like yEAH U GO JESSE and i was like sobbing on the inside just marvelling at how great my friends were and especially when i finished the race and met up with them, literally my heart was just heating up in there because after the race when i told them my place, they just smiled so much and it really felt like they were really happy for me and just that, the notion of them being happy for me being happy was just so amazing and that feeling is just one i want to capture in a tiny glass bottle and clip it to a necklace so that it's always there and close to my heart and so i never forget it
and they hugged me even though we were all seriously sweating like beasts and probably swapped too many germs to mention
but it was just so nice y'know?
my friends are seriously...... all angels............ i honestly can't stress that enough..
there was this feeling of guilty 'YEAH man i can be a good runner'/victorious type of feel when i passed by this group distinctly related to fish (that maths dude from waaay back) but basically the reasons consisted of the fact that the guys went first and girls went second so like i'd caught up to them B) and i heard one of them saying something akin to "huh wow smiths hill girls represent"
like yeah man i'm so powerful i'm gonna run up a storm if u kno what i mean......
n... ... okay no it's okay if you don't know what i mean i don't.. really know what i mean either but i'm thinking up a dust cloud u know how u run really fast you create dust clouds
anyway
the same day on cross country, i'll go chronologically-
usually i come really late to school and so sometimes i face that dilemma of all your friends sitting at a fully occupied table and having to sit on your lonesome at some other distant, isolated table and try to look like a cool lone wolf while doing so and not some sad individual discreetly or not so discreetly sending winks at your friends and hoping your being sensual lures them to migrate towards you instead
actually you can act either way and they wouldn't be better or worse than the other but the point is, i'd faced that dilemma in my first class that day, a wednesday, meaning i had english first which meant haz/bri-chi/skipper/cinnamon were in my class. perfect four, y'see what i'm getting at?
so i entered the room and ducked my head in some weird head-nod acknowledgement to my teacher who has announced that a pet peeve of hers is people coming late and she nodded and took my late note off me and i kinda just made a :') face to the four friends sitting at the perfect square table in the middle of the room, all seats obviously taken by four perfect butts and so i went ahead and plopped /my/ butt to my usual seat which was at a 6-seater table
and first haz stood up gathered her bag and was like cya dudes and came to the table i was at and probably my eyes sparkled in that moment and i felt a rush of love for her as she also plopped her pooper on the table i sat at and then out of the corner of my eye i saw the other three doin some crazy telepathic nods and exchange of eye contact with each other and then all of them stood and relocated to my table and i just felt like MAN my friends are SO cool like YEAH this is so cool FRIENDS and miss just kinda like iunno i think it was all silent and miss was just like wow ok and i was like crying on the inside, it seriously just made my day and i was like god i am so blessed
and yeah
so that's story one and this is story two
is it safe to establish that i've begun liking someone again? :/
it was probably established in the last few posts but they were vague
if the transcript at the beginning of the post isn't clear enough, i've kinda fallen into that stage again where i literally did just go to the last day of school in hopes of maybe just seeing jude and saying a first 'hello',.. y'know? haha
it's horrible because on tuesday there was a japanese hsc I AM SOBBING BECAUSE ohohhhohoohohhhh my goododoododdod there was this one question right, and it went like this - it was a listening task and you had to answer questions based on it but basically it went
"shukudai o wasurenaide, gakkou ni mottekite ne"
shukudai = homework
wasuremasu = the verb form: 'to forget"
wasuremasen = the formal for way of saying 'not forget'
wasurenai = the informal version of 'not forget' like e.g shukudai o wasurenai ne. hai, wasurenakatta.
ugh it depends on how you say it so this is probably a really difficult explanation :/
but basically wasurenaide is a command (the de at the end makes it so//which branches off into the te form which would be a whole 'nother thing to explain) and it means "don't forget your homework"
the second sentence says bring it to school okay?
buT THE THING IS /SOB
that 'naide' may also mean 'without' depending on the context, for example, benkyou o shinaide, shiken o uketa
which means without studying, i took a test
AND GUESS WHAT I WROTE
"without forgetting your homework, bring it to school"
like at first i was like 'don't forget your homework, bring it to school' and like i was pretty sure about that but then as i looked at it more, as i REALLY looked at it and began picking apart eVERYTHING (which i shouldn't have done), i became unsure and was like crap what if its the other form... what if......... and so i wrote 'without' instead which makes even LESS grammatical sense but i wanted to 'be sure' /sob so that's a mistake i made i'm crying
anyway
back on topic, i really wanted to say good luck to jude, i really did and it's such a small thing but i was so ready
we were wearing mufti that day and man i was so ready, preparing clothes and thinking 'this outfit looks good'
but he was absent that day and i was secretly a bit dismayed at that, yeah
isn't it so interesting how people can impact you like that? so cool right?
and then the next day which was cross country, i was so ready i was like yeah i'm going to do my hardest and if i do well it'll show and if it'll show would it impress him? would that be alright for me to hope for? and also this want to see him there and show off was definitely present as i searched for what would be suitable to wear for that run and he wasn't there again but then i did something that day that made me backtrack and think 'wow ok'
but so omoiyari (src buddy member man who is too A+ to handle tbh, such a cool guy) was trying to rope in yellow house members (hello!!) to take a group photo and i heard that siren call man so i pulled up my friend turtle (hint: her last name starts with turt - also that day it was sooo good we talked to each other more and we already get along so well and it was just beautiful talking with her and bonding!!!!) and we took a group pic and then it was time for a house captain picture and okay so jude's yellow's house captain along with omoiyari right; i knew that
i knew that....
and so i was talking to omoiyari
and i began saying, "oh yeah, so who is the other house captain? we have another guy right...?"
and omoiyari was like "OH yeah that's jude, he's either at isa or taking a day off lol"
and i was like "isa??" and omoiyari nodded and was like "yea it's that travelling music group" and i think i know it, they have purple shirts when they show up and they do really neat performances and i was like "ah okay that's sweet"
and in the back of my mind, something's telling me that omoiyari knows why i asked that but hey it's all g, though what might make it more obvious is that i've asked omoiyari advice on the topic of how to talk to people you don't really have common interests with but honestly i did that cause i trust omoiyari and i really do think he's a good person to talk to
so yeah
it was the fact that wow man i feigned ignorance and did that..... i'm so sly....... shady.......... slim shady................. shady..........................
........................
yeah....................... shady........ /shakes head and frowns
okay anyway
i've been reading poetry lately (lol save me before i become some cheesy cringe-ball) and it amazes me how so much power can be put into words
and here was something i was writing which readers, you might find incredibly cringy don't judge me tho i think we've passed the judgement stage and if we haven't maybe i've been doing something wrong but: (((if you want it ask for the link lol i changed my mind and was like WOAH it's cringy so if u want it ask me in real life if you know me <3)))
anyway i've been using snapchat lately and here are some quality snaps:
have a good day! :)
OH WAIT
so its holidays right
i went to motherhen's house the other day to practice for music camp which is happening like the day after school resumes
and we're singing this
and MAN if i say so myself we make a beautiful pair i'm just saying we're gonna be sooo cool B))) it's our synergy; we came to the conclusion after talking about hot cross buns that we, combined, are an evolved version of nicki minaj; anaconda is our jam
lookie here B)
and i'm thinking i'll use soundcloud more often, huh...
-jesse out yo, stay safe!!
If you have the determination then you can do it
My Dad always says "Luck is opportunity meets preparation"
Me:
that's a really nice quote
Motherhen:
So if you make sure you're on the lookout for opportunities
And if you're prepared
Then you can talk to him!!
There's no reason why you couldn't
Me:
gooooood you're beautiful like those are such nice
Motherhen:
Yeah you should put it on your wall B)
Me:
B) i will
Motherhen:
I am pretty beautiful
Me:
you really are
Motherhen:
But you're MORE beautiful
Me:
nO you don't say that man
Motherhen:
Ugh FINE we're EQUALLY beautiful
But anyway
Me:
i think everyone has equal potential for beauty and that we're well-matched B)
LOL
Motherhen:
Yeah so don't feel so down about it!! Because you can do it!!
Me:
BD
i, hhgg i think i'm actually pretty fallen like today i just kind of thought of him when i saw the cricket going on and i had this thought and it was "_____ might be watching this, he likes cricket doesn't he?" so i sat down and observed it for a bit because i thought maybe if i could understand a bit or have a big of knowledge over it maybe i could...
Motherhen:
Awwwww
AWWWWWWWWWWW
Me:
and it went weird because my FACe i felt it in my FACE you know... like when you think of the person you like....... and your eyes go soft?? oh god
Motherhen:
/dies because of cuteness
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Me:
and it did that and i realised i did that and i was like CRAP this really isn't good i've done the thing i've gone and done the thing
UGH
Motherhen:
D: that's so cute
Me:
D:
me too
D:
Motherhen:
You know what this is GOOD
You might not realise it
But however this goes
You'll grow and learn from the experiences
................................................................................................................................................
well ANYWAY
you know i should probably ask permission to use conversations as transcripts for my blog... you know what i mean...?
today is a beautiful day [1/4/15 - cross country] and some really awesome things have happened in the past week
------and MAN jesus christ i've had this draft floating here for a while and i'm hoping to get it done by today so let's begin again shall we? [8/4/15]
i just wanna point out that in the first date i wrote there, i put there year as 2012 :////// ???
well okay i changed it
right now my computer room smells like tuna and cheese and sweet potato
and THAT'S A-OKAY WITH ME MAN YEAH, smells good
anyway
i think there's something really great about putting lots of effort into something and being able to share the gratification of some sort of reward, achievement - with someone else who has put in just as much effort as you. that's something beautiful and connecting, i think! for example, it was just really offhand but after doing the cross country I CAME SEVENTH IN 16 YEAR OLD GIRLS /CHOKED SOBBING and i'm still really proud of that ehe but basically i was just waiting for my friends to pop up at the finish line when i just made conversation with ladybug guy and it was just really nice and friendly and all and we were just talking about the places we came, i was like how'd you go man? :) and he was like i came sixth, and i was like WOAH SERIOUSLY MAN?? that is so cool coz like i came seventh and he was like wow sweet!! and we high fived and high fives warm my heart ;;; and then we began talking about fitness and stuff and while it was a very brief conversation it was really nice to share the same kind of achievement with someone??
and even during running it was so great, along the track i passed by people i knew from my year and some just called out "go jesse!" and "keep it up!" and having that kind of encouragement handed to you, iunno it just really touched me for some reason and i was so happy and honoured to be on the receiving end of those short statements
aND FRIENDS ARE LIKE SO COOL OKAY SO
cinnamon and hamilla, i was just talking about how i was so ready to crosS THE COUNTRY and all and cinnamon and hamilla were like hey you go girl; i have no idea where my other friends were at the moment and i was like thank you ;; and talking about encouragement, while i was beginning to run, they were the ones who were like yEAH U GO JESSE and i was like sobbing on the inside just marvelling at how great my friends were and especially when i finished the race and met up with them, literally my heart was just heating up in there because after the race when i told them my place, they just smiled so much and it really felt like they were really happy for me and just that, the notion of them being happy for me being happy was just so amazing and that feeling is just one i want to capture in a tiny glass bottle and clip it to a necklace so that it's always there and close to my heart and so i never forget it
and they hugged me even though we were all seriously sweating like beasts and probably swapped too many germs to mention
but it was just so nice y'know?
my friends are seriously...... all angels............ i honestly can't stress that enough..
there was this feeling of guilty 'YEAH man i can be a good runner'/victorious type of feel when i passed by this group distinctly related to fish (that maths dude from waaay back) but basically the reasons consisted of the fact that the guys went first and girls went second so like i'd caught up to them B) and i heard one of them saying something akin to "huh wow smiths hill girls represent"
like yeah man i'm so powerful i'm gonna run up a storm if u kno what i mean......
n... ... okay no it's okay if you don't know what i mean i don't.. really know what i mean either but i'm thinking up a dust cloud u know how u run really fast you create dust clouds
anyway
the same day on cross country, i'll go chronologically-
usually i come really late to school and so sometimes i face that dilemma of all your friends sitting at a fully occupied table and having to sit on your lonesome at some other distant, isolated table and try to look like a cool lone wolf while doing so and not some sad individual discreetly or not so discreetly sending winks at your friends and hoping your being sensual lures them to migrate towards you instead
actually you can act either way and they wouldn't be better or worse than the other but the point is, i'd faced that dilemma in my first class that day, a wednesday, meaning i had english first which meant haz/bri-chi/skipper/cinnamon were in my class. perfect four, y'see what i'm getting at?
so i entered the room and ducked my head in some weird head-nod acknowledgement to my teacher who has announced that a pet peeve of hers is people coming late and she nodded and took my late note off me and i kinda just made a :') face to the four friends sitting at the perfect square table in the middle of the room, all seats obviously taken by four perfect butts and so i went ahead and plopped /my/ butt to my usual seat which was at a 6-seater table
and first haz stood up gathered her bag and was like cya dudes and came to the table i was at and probably my eyes sparkled in that moment and i felt a rush of love for her as she also plopped her pooper on the table i sat at and then out of the corner of my eye i saw the other three doin some crazy telepathic nods and exchange of eye contact with each other and then all of them stood and relocated to my table and i just felt like MAN my friends are SO cool like YEAH this is so cool FRIENDS and miss just kinda like iunno i think it was all silent and miss was just like wow ok and i was like crying on the inside, it seriously just made my day and i was like god i am so blessed
and yeah
so that's story one and this is story two
is it safe to establish that i've begun liking someone again? :/
it was probably established in the last few posts but they were vague
if the transcript at the beginning of the post isn't clear enough, i've kinda fallen into that stage again where i literally did just go to the last day of school in hopes of maybe just seeing jude and saying a first 'hello',.. y'know? haha
it's horrible because on tuesday there was a japanese hsc I AM SOBBING BECAUSE ohohhhohoohohhhh my goododoododdod there was this one question right, and it went like this - it was a listening task and you had to answer questions based on it but basically it went
"shukudai o wasurenaide, gakkou ni mottekite ne"
shukudai = homework
wasuremasu = the verb form: 'to forget"
wasuremasen = the formal for way of saying 'not forget'
wasurenai = the informal version of 'not forget' like e.g shukudai o wasurenai ne. hai, wasurenakatta.
ugh it depends on how you say it so this is probably a really difficult explanation :/
but basically wasurenaide is a command (the de at the end makes it so//which branches off into the te form which would be a whole 'nother thing to explain) and it means "don't forget your homework"
the second sentence says bring it to school okay?
buT THE THING IS /SOB
that 'naide' may also mean 'without' depending on the context, for example, benkyou o shinaide, shiken o uketa
which means without studying, i took a test
AND GUESS WHAT I WROTE
"without forgetting your homework, bring it to school"
like at first i was like 'don't forget your homework, bring it to school' and like i was pretty sure about that but then as i looked at it more, as i REALLY looked at it and began picking apart eVERYTHING (which i shouldn't have done), i became unsure and was like crap what if its the other form... what if......... and so i wrote 'without' instead which makes even LESS grammatical sense but i wanted to 'be sure' /sob so that's a mistake i made i'm crying
anyway
back on topic, i really wanted to say good luck to jude, i really did and it's such a small thing but i was so ready
we were wearing mufti that day and man i was so ready, preparing clothes and thinking 'this outfit looks good'
but he was absent that day and i was secretly a bit dismayed at that, yeah
isn't it so interesting how people can impact you like that? so cool right?
and then the next day which was cross country, i was so ready i was like yeah i'm going to do my hardest and if i do well it'll show and if it'll show would it impress him? would that be alright for me to hope for? and also this want to see him there and show off was definitely present as i searched for what would be suitable to wear for that run and he wasn't there again but then i did something that day that made me backtrack and think 'wow ok'
but so omoiyari (src buddy member man who is too A+ to handle tbh, such a cool guy) was trying to rope in yellow house members (hello!!) to take a group photo and i heard that siren call man so i pulled up my friend turtle (hint: her last name starts with turt - also that day it was sooo good we talked to each other more and we already get along so well and it was just beautiful talking with her and bonding!!!!) and we took a group pic and then it was time for a house captain picture and okay so jude's yellow's house captain along with omoiyari right; i knew that
i knew that....
and so i was talking to omoiyari
and i began saying, "oh yeah, so who is the other house captain? we have another guy right...?"
and omoiyari was like "OH yeah that's jude, he's either at isa or taking a day off lol"
and i was like "isa??" and omoiyari nodded and was like "yea it's that travelling music group" and i think i know it, they have purple shirts when they show up and they do really neat performances and i was like "ah okay that's sweet"
and in the back of my mind, something's telling me that omoiyari knows why i asked that but hey it's all g, though what might make it more obvious is that i've asked omoiyari advice on the topic of how to talk to people you don't really have common interests with but honestly i did that cause i trust omoiyari and i really do think he's a good person to talk to
so yeah
it was the fact that wow man i feigned ignorance and did that..... i'm so sly....... shady.......... slim shady................. shady..........................
........................
yeah....................... shady........ /shakes head and frowns
okay anyway
i've been reading poetry lately (lol save me before i become some cheesy cringe-ball) and it amazes me how so much power can be put into words
and here was something i was writing which readers, you might find incredibly cringy don't judge me tho i think we've passed the judgement stage and if we haven't maybe i've been doing something wrong but: (((if you want it ask for the link lol i changed my mind and was like WOAH it's cringy so if u want it ask me in real life if you know me <3)))
anyway i've been using snapchat lately and here are some quality snaps:
 |
| nail painting is becoming a thing B) |
 |
| bri-chi convinced me to try a topknot for the cross-country but my hair was too short in the end |
 |
| the motherhen at night |
 |
| the motherhen threatening me |
 |
| the bro and i |
 |
| x9000 |
 |
| me being gangsta |
 |
| motherhen trying to lay down the law (ur not my MOTHER motherhen...... u can't control me,e,,e......) |
have a good day! :)
OH WAIT
so its holidays right
i went to motherhen's house the other day to practice for music camp which is happening like the day after school resumes
and we're singing this
and MAN if i say so myself we make a beautiful pair i'm just saying we're gonna be sooo cool B))) it's our synergy; we came to the conclusion after talking about hot cross buns that we, combined, are an evolved version of nicki minaj; anaconda is our jam
lookie here B)
and i'm thinking i'll use soundcloud more often, huh...
-jesse out yo, stay safe!!
Tuesday, 17 March 2015
entry 31
久しぶりだな。。。〜
How long has it been?
4 months perhaps?
I reckon a lot has happened in that time. I've become a lot more concrete in my goals for the future, I think, and I've definitely been inspired to do my very best in school work because I guess I've realised that you get what you put in and what I'm doing right now is for my own sake, for the future. The future is a prospect I'm so starry-eyed about but I know sometimes I won't be. If, perhaps, my vision becomes clouded in such a way then I want to say to future!Jesse that everyone will always have potential and the world really is your oyster.
Like, in Haikyuu [AN ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL ANIME DUDES, seriously, Nishinoya is my absolute BAE - どうぞ-], as that somewhat important side-coach says to Kageyama and Hinata after their loss in the final match:
"Does losing prove that you're weak?
Isn't losing difficult for everyone?
...A challenge where, after ending up on your hands and knees, you must see if you can stand up again?
PARAPHRASING; isn't it only if you stay on your hands and knees proof that you are weak?"
つもり、get back up yo. The world may be your oyster but it ain't gonna wait. :D Take things into your own hand.
And so here comes another important point I want to make that got me back on my feet after a challenge I had to accept, when I first went back to Japanese at the start of the year. Btw it's week 8 currently and exam week is next week, so time really has been going by fast.
"If you love it so much, learn it well."
If people have watched Haikyuu, like, if, among my readers who aren't any of my friends, have watched Haikyuu - they should know about the situation with Kageyama and Oikawa.
I felt like Oikawa; that suddenly a genius like Kageyama had come along and at that time I'd thought thoughts like "How can I compete against that?"
Like, no.
So this'll get personal, but s'not as if it really hasn't before right?
So this brilliant girl (and I really mean that because her hard-working spirit is evident and so is her passion) was accelerated to the subject I always... entitled myself to. I don't think entitled is the right word. It's just that, before that, I've always thought things like: "Japanese is all I have, it's all I can do good at, therefore it is mine [my subject] to do good at." But why 'mine'? What does that even mean?
I think that loving something is scary. Being passionate about something is scary. There will always also be scary competition and the first step into getting over the fear of competition, I think, is admitting that those competitors are just as passionate as you. If you love a subject, you should want to do well in it > you /want/ to study it, to indulge in it, you feel like it is a huge source of gratification for yourself. This is definitely not a bad thing, not at all. In fact, it's a really good thing - to have enough passion for a subject to have the determination to do well in it.
But it's like, when you love something that much, for me: I want to do my very best in it. Therefore, I want to be the best at it. Do you think that notion is a bit selfish? Selfish may be defined differently in your sense, compare to what i'm referring to, but regardless, I know I'm a very selfish person so in light of competition I don't have much of a problem admitting that I want to 'win'.
Anyway, when I found out that she'd been accelerated and that her accent was magnificent and she obviously knew a lot about her stuff, I kind of got angry at myself for not knowing as much as her. How did I know I didn't know as much as her? Dunno - was that the truth or was I just challenging myself because I saw her as a 'threat' at first? It just struck me that she was very formidable and I wanted to be just as > more.
So I actually went to the teacher, and I was probably being so blunt but I asked him:
Why is she so good? Is it because she works really hard?
And maybe in that question I kinda said [I work hard too, why am I not better?]
SEE how self-orientated that is? Not sure if that is the word - but see how kind of icky that is?? It makes me feel icky just looking at it!
And when I asked him that, I think I nearly cried because everything came at once:
I accepted that she was really good, if not better.
Sir looked at me and said, gently, something along the lines of: "Well, firstly, she's half Korean and Korean is very similar to Japanese in terms of structure. But she also loves it a lot."
I compared myself to her; I just, just loved Japanese so much that I guess it was hard for me to comprehend the fact that someone might "love" it more but how can you really measure love?
And then he said, "But I know you love it as well, which is why you're good at it."
And so I asked, "How do I get better?"
And then we talked about sakubun (writing pieces) and I've been going to him for advice a lot and he told me that I was always welcome to do extra homework and so that's what I've been doing and it doesn't feel like homework to me, it's just fun and I really, really like doing it. I mean, it's for me. I want to be better, and I think it's fair for me to say that my Japanese teachers are key factors in making me want to be more. Y'know, just, more. I'm so speechlessly grateful for the time they take out of their day to encourage and do things for their students, it just astounds me and this is where my 1AM Reflection comes in (I wrote it on my ipod). It's all I can say and I'll copy it down here, but Mr G. especially has been nothing less than a role model and more than pretty much the best teacher I've ever had hands down. Who else would deal with a girl who asks too many questions???
Here:
1AM Reflection
I don't want to say something like "Japanese is the only subject I have/the only thing I'm good at." (I'm hesitant to use the term 'good' because honestly I still don't know everything about the English language; how can I dare to think I even know a lot about Japanese? The best thing to do is probably just understand what I know and what I don't know.)
Basically, on one hand, this is because I think what you're 'good' at is really just determined by your attitude towards it and how you approach it - I don't think, that by ourselves, we can measure what our best is. I believe there is so much potential in all of us, so much that in fact it becomes immeasurable. On the other hand, I feel like a lot of other people view Japanese or a subject in general as something only they 'have'. In the end, isn't it a matter of if your efforts gratify you or not? It makes you feel worthy because of the effort you put in and that's why you stick to it so much - which reinforces my point that 'goodness' is simply determined by your determination to do well.
I try hard because, well, yeah, I get happy if I'm considered 'good' at it. If I'm validated in my efforts. I like putting in the effort to achieve that gratification, but I'm also really in love with the language. This is said as a fact because I honestly believe I would not put so much of myself into it otherwise. Imagining all the people I'll be able to talk to; the culture which will open up to me, which I'll be able to explore...
I'm so grateful to those teachers who have helped me and taught me and I think I might be a little in love with them too, because they're both people I want to be when I'm an adult. They make me want to become a better person.
Also, storytellers are the best kind of people. I feel like they are the people who have just gotten so much out of life - and surely they'll get more - that they can't help but let those words touch other people: y'know, to achieve that and have that kind of special glint in your eyes when you tell your stories, that's something really wonderful. And the ability to inspire people - that's just crazy.
The highest praise and comment I can give is that I just want to be like them when I'm older.
----
and then it ended there because I was sleepy.
there was this one point also, when jap first started, there was this joke that my friend kept on making about us two being the "alpha"s and i was really uncomfortable because of that and i was just kinda hoping she'd stop making the joke until one day she said it and it was just really loud and my other friend looked at us in a kind of "ummm" way and said, "really guys?" and i kind of immediately was just like wait no!! no!!!!! it wasn't me who said it, i don't think i'm an 'alpha' like EVERYONE is trying really hard and it just like
well, i got angry at jam and i made it obvious that i didn't like the joke and felt like it was just really not good.. spirit?? you feel
anyway it was all good
i apologised after because i shouldn't have been so harsh and the angel just replied with, no it's okay, it's refreshing to see you angry.
i'm happy that we didn't have much of a big fight!
ANYWAY, i might continue this another day but I wanted to speak about another topic today ;;
yes it is time for my teenage shoujo life to come into play again /cough cough hahahhaa...a.a.. shoujo.....
but anyway,
ah,
the heart of a teenage girl.
so if i haven't established that i'm completely over canoe guy, then well, here it is. this is the sentence. take in in.
yep.
well, i am.
and do you remember jude?
not lady bug guy, or fish or ace or anyone else i may've nicknamed....
but yeah, that guy i called pretty in the spur of the moment when i was in that stage of "if u think anything nice you absolutely HAVE to say it HANDS DOWN, HANDS DOWN. HANDS. DOWN U GOT THAT PUNK??? NEED TO SAY IT NWEEDEENEDABAOSLUTELYNEEDEOTHERWISEHTEYWON'TFEELURFEELING--"
well
in that youngin' stage of mine (though i still hold to that belief very well and perhaps should apply it more often) - well, yeah. i guess i've always been kinda conscious of him because he was v. aesthetically pleasing and in that manner i'm shallow, but i'd always just kinda appreciated from afar because of the strong belief that 'wow i am a shy girl/he is popular=i am awkward, things like this will never end well' and y'know i'm still like that and it's just kind of hard to believe that relationships will be possible because i always work myself up too much, y'know, that whole thing with impulses /nods.
wow, just had a thought: isn't this SUCH a weird thing to be talking about after that whole seriousness of the above section? hehe ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
well, i'll just scale things up to today (there's really only one thing that happened on that life-changing japanese trip that i can't believe i haven't written about yet.... but there's just... so much...... hey maybe my not writing it can be seen as how i'm just that speechless about what an experience it was........) -
there was this one time in japan where i was wearing my senpai (jam)'s hatsune miku hat and jude was on the trip as well and was like omg jesse is that hatsune miku and i looked at him and grinned and was like yeah it is! and was secretly pleasantly surprised he even knew what hatsune miku was???
anyway it was a nice, fleeting interaction and it's always those ones that make my day and always stick with me
today, for eng ext, i had to present with two friends let's call one buddy (because i used to talk to him about games and stuff when i was young...........) and the other jasmine because she's like princess jasmine from aladdin, she's really pretty!!
well our presentation was about psychoanalytical criticism
and at first i had a plan to make people laugh with this lil skit about freudan slips and it worked except i entered that rambling stage and was like "so yeah if i were a guy-- wait no, okay if i were a girl-- wait no i am a girl nevermind" and people laughed and i'm glad they laughed at my stumblings, but anyway, it came to my points about freud and how he was sexist and coined dubious things like "penis envy/oedipus complex/castration anxiety" and i kinda was like hmmm i don't feel comfortable saying the p word i mean like y'know so i just said peepee and passed it off as that and everyone began laughing and sir bro (teacher's name is that btw so i'll call him that) was like i don't know why you're fine with saying oedipus complex and castration anxiety but not peepee envy" and then i was like nah well if u wanna say it its fine and then he was like yeah okay tru and began talking to the class about how they should be mature about terms like the p word and how that shouldn't have laughed at my 'peepee' term and THEN he began naming like a bunch of genital uh parts and the class was just like omfg and i was just like omg sir and just turned away and was like i can't believe this like really uncomfortably and it was just really funny
anyway, after i did my explanation, i also had to mention that a feminist called Karen Horney challenged Freud's view and it was all going so well until buddy laughed and then everyone else laughed and me and sir bro were just like i can't believe this but also it was very amusing
anyway
squizz (i think i mentioned her before, she's a fellow src member and friend :D) commented how the "peepee" thing was the highlight of her day which was rly cute and i was like ;; i'm glad it made u laugh
squizz is the type of person who's like the sun, y'know? i think i've talked about people being like suns before but she's the type of person who inspires you to be little bit more; the type of person you're glad exists because they're the types who bother to do little things that make you happy? such as compliments on random days and wide smiles and iunno she spreads laughter like wildfire
anyway, when i was in sac, she was like jesse i have something to tell u
and i was like ???? go ahead
and she was like it's not big or anything
and i was like haha go ahead man
and she said something along the lines of: (i may be paraphrasing???) okay well when i was laughing and stuff like everyone was laughing but i was looking at jude and he was laughing at everything you said and i just thought how cute you two would be together
and i kinda was like o...oh
because y'know?? maybe i thought about....... oh man this is so embarassing, but it's like u know, you ever think about something along the lines like "if we got together" and hhhh wow
look at me and my deep dark romantic side coming to the surface
actually no one's ever really said that to me before so it surprised me as well, aha, and i guess it made me happy? y'know, i guess it was something like wow someone thinks i can be in a relationship with someone else??
ugh is this a weirdly self-depricating train of thought??
i don't mean to put myself down but i don't really view it as putting myself down because that's how i've been thinking
yeah
odd right
anyway
what's scary is that, well, hey TIME FOR MORE HARD TO FOLLOW COPY PASTE FACEBOOK CHATS:
also wow hey i'll be creating a new tag for jude
How long has it been?
4 months perhaps?
I reckon a lot has happened in that time. I've become a lot more concrete in my goals for the future, I think, and I've definitely been inspired to do my very best in school work because I guess I've realised that you get what you put in and what I'm doing right now is for my own sake, for the future. The future is a prospect I'm so starry-eyed about but I know sometimes I won't be. If, perhaps, my vision becomes clouded in such a way then I want to say to future!Jesse that everyone will always have potential and the world really is your oyster.
Like, in Haikyuu [AN ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL ANIME DUDES, seriously, Nishinoya is my absolute BAE - どうぞ-], as that somewhat important side-coach says to Kageyama and Hinata after their loss in the final match:
"Does losing prove that you're weak?
Isn't losing difficult for everyone?
...A challenge where, after ending up on your hands and knees, you must see if you can stand up again?
PARAPHRASING; isn't it only if you stay on your hands and knees proof that you are weak?"
つもり、get back up yo. The world may be your oyster but it ain't gonna wait. :D Take things into your own hand.
And so here comes another important point I want to make that got me back on my feet after a challenge I had to accept, when I first went back to Japanese at the start of the year. Btw it's week 8 currently and exam week is next week, so time really has been going by fast.
"If you love it so much, learn it well."
If people have watched Haikyuu, like, if, among my readers who aren't any of my friends, have watched Haikyuu - they should know about the situation with Kageyama and Oikawa.
I felt like Oikawa; that suddenly a genius like Kageyama had come along and at that time I'd thought thoughts like "How can I compete against that?"
Like, no.
So this'll get personal, but s'not as if it really hasn't before right?
So this brilliant girl (and I really mean that because her hard-working spirit is evident and so is her passion) was accelerated to the subject I always... entitled myself to. I don't think entitled is the right word. It's just that, before that, I've always thought things like: "Japanese is all I have, it's all I can do good at, therefore it is mine [my subject] to do good at." But why 'mine'? What does that even mean?
I think that loving something is scary. Being passionate about something is scary. There will always also be scary competition and the first step into getting over the fear of competition, I think, is admitting that those competitors are just as passionate as you. If you love a subject, you should want to do well in it > you /want/ to study it, to indulge in it, you feel like it is a huge source of gratification for yourself. This is definitely not a bad thing, not at all. In fact, it's a really good thing - to have enough passion for a subject to have the determination to do well in it.
But it's like, when you love something that much, for me: I want to do my very best in it. Therefore, I want to be the best at it. Do you think that notion is a bit selfish? Selfish may be defined differently in your sense, compare to what i'm referring to, but regardless, I know I'm a very selfish person so in light of competition I don't have much of a problem admitting that I want to 'win'.
Anyway, when I found out that she'd been accelerated and that her accent was magnificent and she obviously knew a lot about her stuff, I kind of got angry at myself for not knowing as much as her. How did I know I didn't know as much as her? Dunno - was that the truth or was I just challenging myself because I saw her as a 'threat' at first? It just struck me that she was very formidable and I wanted to be just as > more.
So I actually went to the teacher, and I was probably being so blunt but I asked him:
Why is she so good? Is it because she works really hard?
And maybe in that question I kinda said [I work hard too, why am I not better?]
SEE how self-orientated that is? Not sure if that is the word - but see how kind of icky that is?? It makes me feel icky just looking at it!
And when I asked him that, I think I nearly cried because everything came at once:
I accepted that she was really good, if not better.
Sir looked at me and said, gently, something along the lines of: "Well, firstly, she's half Korean and Korean is very similar to Japanese in terms of structure. But she also loves it a lot."
I compared myself to her; I just, just loved Japanese so much that I guess it was hard for me to comprehend the fact that someone might "love" it more but how can you really measure love?
And then he said, "But I know you love it as well, which is why you're good at it."
And so I asked, "How do I get better?"
And then we talked about sakubun (writing pieces) and I've been going to him for advice a lot and he told me that I was always welcome to do extra homework and so that's what I've been doing and it doesn't feel like homework to me, it's just fun and I really, really like doing it. I mean, it's for me. I want to be better, and I think it's fair for me to say that my Japanese teachers are key factors in making me want to be more. Y'know, just, more. I'm so speechlessly grateful for the time they take out of their day to encourage and do things for their students, it just astounds me and this is where my 1AM Reflection comes in (I wrote it on my ipod). It's all I can say and I'll copy it down here, but Mr G. especially has been nothing less than a role model and more than pretty much the best teacher I've ever had hands down. Who else would deal with a girl who asks too many questions???
Here:
1AM Reflection
I don't want to say something like "Japanese is the only subject I have/the only thing I'm good at." (I'm hesitant to use the term 'good' because honestly I still don't know everything about the English language; how can I dare to think I even know a lot about Japanese? The best thing to do is probably just understand what I know and what I don't know.)
Basically, on one hand, this is because I think what you're 'good' at is really just determined by your attitude towards it and how you approach it - I don't think, that by ourselves, we can measure what our best is. I believe there is so much potential in all of us, so much that in fact it becomes immeasurable. On the other hand, I feel like a lot of other people view Japanese or a subject in general as something only they 'have'. In the end, isn't it a matter of if your efforts gratify you or not? It makes you feel worthy because of the effort you put in and that's why you stick to it so much - which reinforces my point that 'goodness' is simply determined by your determination to do well.
I try hard because, well, yeah, I get happy if I'm considered 'good' at it. If I'm validated in my efforts. I like putting in the effort to achieve that gratification, but I'm also really in love with the language. This is said as a fact because I honestly believe I would not put so much of myself into it otherwise. Imagining all the people I'll be able to talk to; the culture which will open up to me, which I'll be able to explore...
I'm so grateful to those teachers who have helped me and taught me and I think I might be a little in love with them too, because they're both people I want to be when I'm an adult. They make me want to become a better person.
Also, storytellers are the best kind of people. I feel like they are the people who have just gotten so much out of life - and surely they'll get more - that they can't help but let those words touch other people: y'know, to achieve that and have that kind of special glint in your eyes when you tell your stories, that's something really wonderful. And the ability to inspire people - that's just crazy.
The highest praise and comment I can give is that I just want to be like them when I'm older.
----
and then it ended there because I was sleepy.
there was this one point also, when jap first started, there was this joke that my friend kept on making about us two being the "alpha"s and i was really uncomfortable because of that and i was just kinda hoping she'd stop making the joke until one day she said it and it was just really loud and my other friend looked at us in a kind of "ummm" way and said, "really guys?" and i kind of immediately was just like wait no!! no!!!!! it wasn't me who said it, i don't think i'm an 'alpha' like EVERYONE is trying really hard and it just like
well, i got angry at jam and i made it obvious that i didn't like the joke and felt like it was just really not good.. spirit?? you feel
anyway it was all good
i apologised after because i shouldn't have been so harsh and the angel just replied with, no it's okay, it's refreshing to see you angry.
i'm happy that we didn't have much of a big fight!
ANYWAY, i might continue this another day but I wanted to speak about another topic today ;;
yes it is time for my teenage shoujo life to come into play again /cough cough hahahhaa...a.a.. shoujo.....
but anyway,
ah,
the heart of a teenage girl.
so if i haven't established that i'm completely over canoe guy, then well, here it is. this is the sentence. take in in.
yep.
well, i am.
and do you remember jude?
not lady bug guy, or fish or ace or anyone else i may've nicknamed....
but yeah, that guy i called pretty in the spur of the moment when i was in that stage of "if u think anything nice you absolutely HAVE to say it HANDS DOWN, HANDS DOWN. HANDS. DOWN U GOT THAT PUNK??? NEED TO SAY IT NWEEDEENEDABAOSLUTELYNEEDEOTHERWISEHTEYWON'TFEELURFEELING--"
well
in that youngin' stage of mine (though i still hold to that belief very well and perhaps should apply it more often) - well, yeah. i guess i've always been kinda conscious of him because he was v. aesthetically pleasing and in that manner i'm shallow, but i'd always just kinda appreciated from afar because of the strong belief that 'wow i am a shy girl/he is popular=i am awkward, things like this will never end well' and y'know i'm still like that and it's just kind of hard to believe that relationships will be possible because i always work myself up too much, y'know, that whole thing with impulses /nods.
wow, just had a thought: isn't this SUCH a weird thing to be talking about after that whole seriousness of the above section? hehe ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
well, i'll just scale things up to today (there's really only one thing that happened on that life-changing japanese trip that i can't believe i haven't written about yet.... but there's just... so much...... hey maybe my not writing it can be seen as how i'm just that speechless about what an experience it was........) -
there was this one time in japan where i was wearing my senpai (jam)'s hatsune miku hat and jude was on the trip as well and was like omg jesse is that hatsune miku and i looked at him and grinned and was like yeah it is! and was secretly pleasantly surprised he even knew what hatsune miku was???
anyway it was a nice, fleeting interaction and it's always those ones that make my day and always stick with me
today, for eng ext, i had to present with two friends let's call one buddy (because i used to talk to him about games and stuff when i was young...........) and the other jasmine because she's like princess jasmine from aladdin, she's really pretty!!
well our presentation was about psychoanalytical criticism
and at first i had a plan to make people laugh with this lil skit about freudan slips and it worked except i entered that rambling stage and was like "so yeah if i were a guy-- wait no, okay if i were a girl-- wait no i am a girl nevermind" and people laughed and i'm glad they laughed at my stumblings, but anyway, it came to my points about freud and how he was sexist and coined dubious things like "penis envy/oedipus complex/castration anxiety" and i kinda was like hmmm i don't feel comfortable saying the p word i mean like y'know so i just said peepee and passed it off as that and everyone began laughing and sir bro (teacher's name is that btw so i'll call him that) was like i don't know why you're fine with saying oedipus complex and castration anxiety but not peepee envy" and then i was like nah well if u wanna say it its fine and then he was like yeah okay tru and began talking to the class about how they should be mature about terms like the p word and how that shouldn't have laughed at my 'peepee' term and THEN he began naming like a bunch of genital uh parts and the class was just like omfg and i was just like omg sir and just turned away and was like i can't believe this like really uncomfortably and it was just really funny
anyway, after i did my explanation, i also had to mention that a feminist called Karen Horney challenged Freud's view and it was all going so well until buddy laughed and then everyone else laughed and me and sir bro were just like i can't believe this but also it was very amusing
anyway
squizz (i think i mentioned her before, she's a fellow src member and friend :D) commented how the "peepee" thing was the highlight of her day which was rly cute and i was like ;; i'm glad it made u laugh
squizz is the type of person who's like the sun, y'know? i think i've talked about people being like suns before but she's the type of person who inspires you to be little bit more; the type of person you're glad exists because they're the types who bother to do little things that make you happy? such as compliments on random days and wide smiles and iunno she spreads laughter like wildfire
anyway, when i was in sac, she was like jesse i have something to tell u
and i was like ???? go ahead
and she was like it's not big or anything
and i was like haha go ahead man
and she said something along the lines of: (i may be paraphrasing???) okay well when i was laughing and stuff like everyone was laughing but i was looking at jude and he was laughing at everything you said and i just thought how cute you two would be together
and i kinda was like o...oh
because y'know?? maybe i thought about....... oh man this is so embarassing, but it's like u know, you ever think about something along the lines like "if we got together" and hhhh wow
look at me and my deep dark romantic side coming to the surface
actually no one's ever really said that to me before so it surprised me as well, aha, and i guess it made me happy? y'know, i guess it was something like wow someone thinks i can be in a relationship with someone else??
ugh is this a weirdly self-depricating train of thought??
i don't mean to put myself down but i don't really view it as putting myself down because that's how i've been thinking
yeah
odd right
anyway
what's scary is that, well, hey TIME FOR MORE HARD TO FOLLOW COPY PASTE FACEBOOK CHATS:
- me: DUDE THAT SONG IS BEAUTIFUL!!! SING IT WITH ME WHEN I LEARN THE LYRICS ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
- cookie:lol sure thing bro
- cookie:
- me:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The scary thing with me is that it is soo easy to work me up -- i feel like i CONNECT with that song i linked in cookie's convo, seriously
"Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down"
ME!!! but also the last verse is cute
Oh you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid to give so much more than I get yeah
I just haven't met you yet
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid to give so much more than I get yeah
I just haven't met you yet
what a cute right
there's also the fact that motherhen is calling this adorable and for some reason that makes me happy and well i don't want that to make me happy coz it can kinda pave way towards those feelies again esp coz i feel like in the back of my mind i will be holding onto a hope, that's just how i am with all my romantic notions and in the end i really do love the idea of things like that happening and i feel like i'm getting a bit vague
ah yes let's change back to the normal font
but anyway
going step by step and not over-thinking is probably the way to go, right? :)
so hopefully i'll be updating more soon!!! this is a new year after all, hehe. got to keep a record of my life B)
well, goodbye!!! have a beautiful day and i hope you smile lots today and tomorrow and always! smiling is good for ur face also oatmeal is love
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