entry 38

so i just had a talk with the parents today about finances and i'll try to summarise it here:

- basically I had to tell them what I assumed/calculated it would be each year to go and live there in japan and that amounted up to 20,000 dollars
- my dad said if it were around 10,000/12,000 he would be able to support me but this 20,000 will be really difficult
- he asked that if he paid the enrolment fees would we be able to get a refund
- and I was like yeah they do but it's not the full amount and he was like I see
- as you know I am a crybaby so when he mentioned the prospect of cancelling I got teary but luckily held it in as I think my dad would hate it if I were to cry/be emotional so I was really trying to keep that logical air
- I know how much i'm pressuring them and what i'm asking for and just the thought of all these finances and figures makes me dizzy lol and the dad said he would try asking his sister for money and think about renting the house
- and I was like oh.. ;;;; i'll try to get jobs and do as much as I can to help out and dad was like :/ and it's so hard
we're literally on the EDGE and this whole thing just doesn't feel good at all
my mum says for me not to worry and that we'll find a way and I know I should just take things step by step and focus on getting those jobs after I come back from the week schoolies trip but,, honestly I've been losing sleep over thinking about this

later today I went to the grocery store with mum and she made my cry in the car omg ;;;

but basically she was like "we know you're a good girl and you've been trying very hard and we're proud of you"

(sorry I stopped writing for like a few minutes because seriously just that ;;;; means so much to me and it hurts so much

and she was like "we'll find a way, you'll achieve your dreams" but in the same convo she was also like "I just want you to understand that we don't want you to struggle when you're over there, like not being able to buy food or things you want to buy" because they had intense childhoods as well, as I described in the last post. and I was like ";;;; I know ;;;; I just;;;  I would honestly,, rather that struggle than regretting not being able to go" but at the same time I say that, I have to reinforce, I know i'm putting so much pressure on them. and my mum was again like, 'yeah, but just try to understand from our pov because your dad is concerned with that as well, we don't want you to suffer like we did' and at that time I thought 'I think I understand so much to the point it hurts'

i'm so grateful to my parents and my mum reassured me that if anything we still have the house a.k.a the idea of renting the house to people and having those 'rent payments only go towards you' ;;;;; I just ;;;; feel so ;;;; bad that they have to struggle and think about this ;;;;; y'know ;;;;

it's just that I've set up myself to going on this path so much that I don't want to go down without a fight so at the same time as I am sorry I just have this like determination to get where I want to be, I just want things to go right and I want to work to make it happen

I don't even want to think about not being able to go because i'm so keen and I feel like my efforts really have been in order to be able to go, that's my dream y'know but obviously like yeah I have backup plans in mind and will probably have to think about them in December when atar results come out

then I got an email from a person who works at the uni i want to go to, and I've been messaging them for like two-ish years and they were really nice and actually said they thought i'd get a better scholarship but the competition must have been really intense this time around, but also said they knew there were lots of external scholarships that I could achieve once I was there ;;;

and that hit me with the feels again which is why i'm venting it out here instead of reaching out endlessly to my friends who have supported me more than enough ;;;

the fact that there are external scholarships I could potentially get over there fills me with hope because dear god I will really try my hardest to alleviate both my parents worries and my own, like I want to work so hard and really earn them

at the same time I just feel so sorry that I've accidentally thought stuff like 'i'm sorry I didn't get a better scholarship' to my parents but I know that I really did try my best and I don't have anything to regret and that the only way forward is taking things step by step and focusing on what I can do now in order to ensure a secure education and good future lifestyle.

yeah

ok

it's been an emotional day today and it's only 4 lol

my nose is running like a TAP it's so wild and my eyes are probably so swollen from all the crying I've been doing omg

ok

I just

gotta work hard

take it slow

do chores around the house and be as much help as I can be to my parents

yeah

ok.

well this has been my rant today

and i'm sorry it wasn't a more happier entry!!!

in any case thank you for reading and I hope you're healthy, happy and safe!

let me list a few moments of today that were actually nice and funny

- I've been thinking about getting a penpal and there's this site called interpal that I've found! I made a profile and told my mum about it today and she was like 'are there cute guys' and I was like 'um,,,, yes' and she was like 'oMgGG you GOOO girl you Talk to THEM DO it while you're YOUNG!!!!' and I was like omg' and she was like 'set me up,, a profile...' and I was like ... 'are you... going to talk to Korean people' (because she's a lover of Korean culture/kdrama) and she was like ':))))) better find pictures of when I was skinny and young'

- yuri on ice is actually an awesome anime dude like yuri and victor the affection they show each other is UNDENIABLY ROMANTIC AND HOMO WHICH IS LIKE AMAZING ????? it better not be queerbaiting because honestly the characters are all so precious and I love !!! the character development with yuri and him finding fun in ice skating again and he also practically confessed his love for victor in the episode i'm up to it is actually so amazing and beautiful of an anime

- my friends are so supportive of everything I do and I can't be more grateful to have them here by my side and cheering them on. actually snay today ;;;; I was talking to her and it was just ;;; let me quote:

"You know what
I admire you so much
Like
If I was faced with this situation I would just be 'burrito mode' and then give up
But you
You just go full "Hinata promising to beat Shiratorizawa mode" and you do everything in your power to achieve that goal
And I know that that analogy/metaphor is pretty chidish
But honestly that's the only one that fits in my head
Because you are my Hinata"

and this honestly made me cry and be really happy ;;; to be compared to my son hinata ;;;;; but honestly i love snay so much and i think although we have different ways of handling things, we'll always get to where we want to be because we have each other

in the same vein if any of my friends are reading this thank you for being here for me. i honestly can't stress that enough (look how many times I've said honestly in this blog post omg), because i'm seriously only here and who i am because of you guys and you being here for me

ok

i'll be back with another blog post probs after schoolies :D

see u!!!! :D
btw my eyes are so SQUINTY now i gotta drink water to rehydrate them ahhh

entry 37

it's 9:57am and i will start studying in half an hour! promise!

so it's been quite some time! i think it's very interesting to see how i've begun making entries less and less while becoming more and more preoccupied with life and the interesting/amazing/sometimes stressful things that are going, such as the HSC, i've literally only made one previous entry this year and that's crazy!

firstly... let me just list a bunch of things that i should talk about in terms of where my current mental state + ambitions are at --

1 > family
2 > dreams for life // views on studying? university? the changes to come?
3 > school life
4 > poetry
5 > little goals that may or may not be achieved

---

ok idk when I started that draft but let's see if I can continue where I left out lolol it's 2:38pm right now and the date is hopefully the date I will publish this draft on :)))

my buddy, how life has changed.

firstly, this leads into #4 listed up there but I did eng ext 2 as part of my HSC course (which now I can legit say it is OVER and I made it through and everyone else who did should feel proud of themselves and give themselves a good, wholesome rest!), and my major work was a suite of poems. i'm not sure if I wrote about this in a past entry but those poems were detailing the actions of those around me and how they impacted on the person I am today. if I can still recall correctly there were 5 poems, centring on family, friends, my brother, my teacher and myself. i'd kind of like to post the poems here but they're really long! but anyway the first was the heaviest because it was a mixture of my feelings at the time of the previous blog posts about the whole situation with my parents and their impact on me. but as such, everything passes and it's only natural that you either come to terms with experiences or at least learn things from them and I think i'm able to say that I've done both, perhaps.

my conclusions from the past entries have been this:

1. it's not like I've forgiven my dad for the things he did. I don't respect what he did nor how he fails to apologise for it. but I respect him because a lot of my opportunities and pleasures in life could have been lost if he had decided to leave my mum and my brother back when I wasn't yet born. because of my dad I've been able to make memories I wouldn't have, I have been able to go to places and do things I wouldn't have been able to do without his support. and unlike the figure I portray in the poetry with a "mouth cured by salt", the lone fisherman that spends too much time on a screen rather than addressing those real life issues-- dad is unmistakably human and although mistakes hurt, people can still heal and people can come to make do with what their circumstances have given them. I kind of feel like I'm rambling but my main point is, is that if I had a longer time period to finish that suite of poems the first poem about family would not be ending with this:

"By now the pain is long gone,
and so is that daughter.
She has grown different now,
though she used to be mine,
and by extension yours,
she is different now.

No longer a princess,
still spoiled a lot,
but with a sword in her hand
she knows what she's got.

And what she doesn't."

Or maybe it would end the same, at least with that conclusive tone. But I think the portrayal of the people in that poem would be different and more fleshed out. It's weird, y'know? For all the struggles and moments of spite, I love all of my family pretty much beyond words. I find it very easy to communicate my affection for my friends, SO easily, because I know that we only have a limited time together, but I find that with my family it can be so hard for some reason. I think it's probably because there is that part of my that takes them for granted and therefore it's very easy to see all the faults in one another. But I guess, thanks to my dream of wanting to go to Japan and all the experiences I've had this year with realisations of impermanence, I want to say that I've become more perceptive to the things that I should be grateful towards. I actually really love my mum and dad and seeing them happy makes me so happy I could cry (i'm a crybaby after all). It's because I know how hard they work to support me and I know I'm asking a lot from them and that I'm really lucky to be living like I am. I really treasure seeing them happy, so it kind of hurts me to think that in my journey towards achieving my dream, I am impacting on them and how they can live in the future. I want to be able to provide for myself, so I am hoping to get a job very soon (since it's the end of HSC).

To give more info, I got a 65% scholarship to go study in Japan next year and that's always been my dream. 65% because it's a tuition reduction scholarship covering the years I'll be studying there e.g 4, and while obviously the higher the better, it's actually fair enough considering how I am from a developed country and that's honestly quite a bit of money anyway to be reduced from all the fees. btw sorry if my writing is weird and there's caps and suddenly no caps and no grammar, it's because I usually write without proper grammar usage but i'm on my laptop so it automatically corrects things lol.

ANYWAY TO QUICKLY SUM UP EVERYTHING I WANTED TO GO THRU W/ #1 on the list: only recently it's struck me how important family can be. actually i'll tell u an anecdote. so basically the other day I was making pork floss with my dad because he was like 'u should see how much time this takes' and I was like 'well ok I'm finished with exams now so I can help :D' and so my eyes were opened actually to how much effort and time it took! and you know, I've always found it hard to talk with my dad. or I guess not really hard so to say but I never really made much of an effort to talk to him much because I was always afraid it would spiral into the direction of him saying something i'd disagree with and then both of us ending up in a bad mood. but the other day I asked him about his childhood because i'd heard from mum that his family used to own a restaurant. so dad told me about his father and how his father owned a restaurant but died due to a mosquito bite when dad was really young, and so his mum and the rest of his siblings had to work really hard in order to make money. so his mum made pork floss often and dad helped and they sold food to make a living. it makes sense because pork floss is dried meat and essentially should last for a long time.

you know a similar story is my mum's childhood. mum sometimes gets into a nostalgic mood and ends up telling me stories and she told me about how living in poverty was for her as a kid with her family, and how her mother often went around to the neighbours to ask for rice but the neighbours shut them out because they had to think about their own families. she told me how her mother used to buy one fish and they had to share it between I think 6 kids? and how more often than not they simply ate rice with diluted coffee to flavour it.

it struck me how different lives can be, how really, really different they can be. and although there's the saying money can't buy happiness, it really can. it's SO important in this world, so SO important in giving opportunities and paving way for happiness. but also, it's because money is so important that we should savour the things we already have such as the people around us.

so yeah. sum of point #1 is i'm grateful for family and I really want to be able to give back to my parents when I have a job later on in life. I want them to experience the beauty of japan as I have. I want to do them proud.

as for #2 I feel like I don't have much to say on that right now except now that I've gotten the scholarship I have a basis to work off for paying for the rest of the fees such as living costs/the 35% tuition/etc. and that there's a lot of prep to do in order to officially enrol such as submitting heaps of documents and getting a student visa and all and honestly that process is so intimidating haha I admittedly lost sleep last night thinking about it and how i'm scared and anxious about the things that could go wrong such as missing deadlines and ending up losing the scholarship. i'm scared to be happy because I still need to take steps in order to ensure that the dream that is so close can fully be achieved. so i'll save my happiness for the day I meet the deadlines. that means i'll make another post in February 2017 which is the last deadline for document submission/enrolment fees. wish me luck? haha

#3 (school life) has ended,,, uhh not much to say about that too except I know i'll miss high school. and thank you for the memories.

#4!!! so I've gotten into poetry thanks to ext eng 2!!! :D I think it's been quite an eye opener to me as a person and to the things I like about other people and random things in life. well firstly i feel things so intensely lol and i like to be able to write about the feelings i get from my experiences because it sort of immortalises that in writing and acts as a reminder. i love that. i also like other people who can feel things intensely, as in, people who are passionate. i love people who can  find such beauty in small things. i love people who get lost talking about the things they love. it's so beautiful to feel things intensely and to be passionate. yeah! so sometimes when i'm listening to Claire play the piano or just meditating at home or just listening to music or just day to day things, i get into this poetry mood and it feels really good when that happens. i don't know how to explain 'good' but maybe one day i'll write a poem about that :) I've been compiling docs of draft poems so maybe when i refine some of them or maybe if i just get the time, i'll post them on here :) :D

aaaand as for #5... i have a lot of little goals !!!!

long term is:
> get REALLY fit and get good at dancing
> get good at cooking and compile a recipe book of home recipes to bring to japan
> learn the ukulele/practice
> learn how to do make-up!
> keep learning Japanese
> learn korean

short term is:
- get a mini telescope for STAR GAZING !!!!!! !!!!
- get more clothes if possible??
- do vlogging!!! get a camera in time for japan!!

and i may add to these goals over time!! :D

so yeah!!!

here is my update which also signals the end of high school and the beginning of my future and awesome things (i hope).

as always, thank you for reading :D it's weird to look back on all my past entries and i'm fearful that i will one day and that everything will be cringe worthy lol but at least know that i won't change a thing about them lol,,,

stay safe, healthy and happy readers :DD <3

- jesse

entry 31

久しぶりだな。。。〜

How long has it been?

4 months perhaps?

I reckon a lot has happened in that time. I've become a lot more concrete in my goals for the future, I think, and I've definitely been inspired to do my very best in school work because I guess I've realised that you get what you put in and what I'm doing right now is for my own sake, for the future. The future is a prospect I'm so starry-eyed about but I know sometimes I won't be. If, perhaps, my vision becomes clouded in such a way then I want to say to future!Jesse that everyone will always have potential and the world really is your oyster.

Like, in Haikyuu [AN ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL ANIME DUDES, seriously, Nishinoya is my absolute BAE - どうぞ-], as that somewhat important side-coach says to Kageyama and Hinata after their loss in the final match:

"Does losing prove that you're weak?
Isn't losing difficult for everyone?
...A challenge where, after ending up on your hands and knees, you must see if you can stand up again?
PARAPHRASING; isn't it only if you stay on your hands and knees proof that you are weak?"

つもり、get back up yo. The world may be your oyster but it ain't gonna wait. :D Take things into your own hand.

And so here comes another important point I want to make that got me back on my feet after a challenge I had to accept, when I first went back to Japanese at the start of the year. Btw it's week 8 currently and exam week is next week, so time really has been going by fast.

"If you love it so much, learn it well."

If people have watched Haikyuu, like, if, among my readers who aren't any of my friends, have watched Haikyuu - they should know about the situation with Kageyama and Oikawa.

I felt like Oikawa; that suddenly a genius like Kageyama had come along and at that time I'd thought thoughts like "How can I compete against that?"

Like, no.

So this'll get personal, but s'not as if it really hasn't before right?

So this brilliant girl (and I really mean that because her hard-working spirit is evident and so is her passion) was accelerated to the subject I always... entitled myself to. I don't think entitled is the right word. It's just that, before that, I've always thought things like: "Japanese is all I have, it's all I can do good at, therefore it is mine [my subject] to do good at." But why 'mine'? What does that even mean?

I think that loving something is scary. Being passionate about something is scary. There will always also be scary competition and the first step into getting over the fear of competition, I think, is admitting that those competitors are just as passionate as you. If you love a subject, you should want to do well in it > you /want/ to study it, to indulge in it, you feel like it is a huge source of gratification for yourself. This is definitely not a bad thing, not at all. In fact, it's a really good thing - to have enough passion for a subject to have the determination to do well in it.

But it's like, when you love something that much, for me: I want to do my very best in it. Therefore, I want to be the best at it. Do you think that notion is a bit selfish? Selfish may be defined differently in your sense, compare to what i'm referring to, but regardless, I know I'm a very selfish person so in light of competition I don't have much of a problem admitting that I want to 'win'.

Anyway, when I found out that she'd been accelerated and that her accent was magnificent and she obviously knew a lot about her stuff, I kind of got angry at myself for not knowing as much as her. How did I know I didn't know as much as her? Dunno - was that the truth or was I just challenging myself because I saw her as a 'threat' at first? It just struck me that she was very formidable and I wanted to be just as > more.

So I actually went to the teacher, and I was probably being so blunt but I asked him:

Why is she so good? Is it because she works really hard?

And maybe in that question I kinda said [I work hard too, why am I not better?]

SEE how self-orientated that is? Not sure if that is the word - but see how kind of icky that is?? It makes me feel icky just looking at it!

And when I asked him that, I think I nearly cried because everything came at once:

I accepted that she was really good, if not better.

Sir looked at me and said, gently, something along the lines of: "Well, firstly, she's half Korean and Korean is very similar to Japanese in terms of structure. But she also loves it a lot."

I compared myself to her; I just, just loved Japanese so much that I guess it was hard for me to comprehend the fact that someone might "love" it more but how can you really measure love?

And then he said, "But I know you love it as well, which is why you're good at it."

And so I asked, "How do I get better?"

And then we talked about sakubun (writing pieces) and I've been going to him for advice a lot and he told me that I was always welcome to do extra homework and so that's what I've been doing and it doesn't feel like homework to me, it's just fun and I really, really like doing it. I mean, it's for me. I want to be better, and I think it's fair for me to say that my Japanese teachers are key factors in making me want to be more. Y'know, just, more. I'm so speechlessly grateful for the time they take out of their day to encourage and do things for their students, it just astounds me and this is where my 1AM Reflection comes in (I wrote it on my ipod). It's all I can say and I'll copy it down here, but Mr G. especially has been nothing less than a role model and more than pretty much the best teacher I've ever had hands down. Who else would deal with a girl who asks too many questions???

Here:
1AM Reflection

I don't want to say something like "Japanese is the only subject I have/the only thing I'm good at." (I'm hesitant to use the term 'good' because honestly I still don't know everything about the English language; how can I dare to think I even know a lot about Japanese? The best thing to do is probably just understand what I know and what I don't know.)

Basically, on one hand, this is because I think what you're 'good' at is really just determined by your attitude towards it and how you approach it - I don't think, that by ourselves, we can measure what our best is. I believe there is so much potential in all of us, so much that in fact it becomes immeasurable. On the other hand, I feel like a lot of other people view Japanese or a subject in general as something only they 'have'. In the end, isn't it a matter of if your efforts gratify you or not? It makes you feel worthy because of the effort you put in and that's why you stick to it so much - which reinforces my point that 'goodness' is simply determined by your determination to do well.

I try hard because, well, yeah, I get happy if I'm considered 'good' at it. If I'm validated in my efforts. I like putting in the effort to achieve that gratification, but I'm also really in love with the language. This is said as a fact because I honestly believe I would not put so much of myself into it otherwise. Imagining all the people I'll be able to talk to; the culture which will open up to me, which I'll be able to explore...

I'm so grateful to those teachers who have helped me and taught me and I think I might be a little in love with them too, because they're both people I want to be when I'm an adult. They make me want to become a better person.

Also, storytellers are the best kind of people. I feel like they are the people who have just gotten so much out of life - and surely they'll get more - that they can't help but let those words touch other people: y'know, to achieve that and have that kind of special glint in your eyes when you tell your stories, that's something really wonderful. And the ability to inspire people - that's just crazy.

The highest praise and comment I can give is that I just want to be like them when I'm older.

----

and then it ended there because I was sleepy.

there was this one point also, when jap first started, there was this joke that my friend kept on making about us two being the "alpha"s and i was really uncomfortable because of that and i was just kinda hoping she'd stop making the joke until one day she said it and it was just really loud and my other friend looked at us in a kind of "ummm" way and said, "really guys?" and i kind of immediately was just like wait no!! no!!!!! it wasn't me who said it, i don't think i'm an 'alpha' like EVERYONE is trying really hard and it just like

well, i got angry at jam and i made it obvious that i didn't like the joke and felt like it was just really not good.. spirit?? you feel

anyway it was all good

i apologised after because i shouldn't have been so harsh and the angel just replied with, no it's okay, it's refreshing to see you angry.

i'm happy that we didn't have much of a big fight!

ANYWAY, i might continue this another day but I wanted to speak about another topic today ;;

yes it is time for my teenage shoujo life to come into play again /cough cough hahahhaa...a.a.. shoujo.....

but anyway,

ah,

the heart of a teenage girl.

so if i haven't established that i'm completely over canoe guy, then well, here it is. this is the sentence. take in in.

yep.

well, i am.

and do you remember jude?

not lady bug guy, or fish or ace or anyone else i may've nicknamed....

but yeah, that guy i called pretty in the spur of the moment when i was in that stage of "if u think anything nice you absolutely HAVE to say it HANDS DOWN, HANDS DOWN. HANDS. DOWN U GOT THAT PUNK??? NEED TO SAY IT NWEEDEENEDABAOSLUTELYNEEDEOTHERWISEHTEYWON'TFEELURFEELING--"

well

in that youngin' stage of mine (though i still hold to that belief very well and perhaps should apply it more often) - well, yeah. i guess i've always been kinda conscious of him because he was v. aesthetically pleasing and in that manner i'm shallow, but i'd always just kinda appreciated from afar because of the strong belief that 'wow i am a shy girl/he is popular=i am awkward, things like this will never end well' and y'know i'm still like that and it's just kind of hard to believe that relationships will be possible because i always work myself up too much, y'know, that whole thing with impulses /nods.

wow, just had a thought: isn't this SUCH a weird thing to be talking about after that whole seriousness of the above section? hehe ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

well, i'll just scale things up to today (there's really only one thing that happened on that life-changing japanese trip that i can't believe i haven't written about yet.... but there's just... so much...... hey maybe my not writing it can be seen as how i'm just that speechless about what an experience it was........) -

there was this one time in japan where i was wearing my senpai (jam)'s hatsune miku hat and jude was on the trip as well and was like omg jesse is that hatsune miku and i looked at him and grinned and was like yeah it is! and was secretly pleasantly surprised he even knew what hatsune miku was???

anyway it was a nice, fleeting interaction and it's always those ones that make my day and always stick with me

today, for eng ext, i had to present with two friends let's call one buddy (because i used to talk to him about games and stuff when i was young...........) and the other jasmine because she's like princess jasmine from aladdin, she's really pretty!!

well our presentation was about psychoanalytical criticism

and at first i had a plan to make people laugh with this lil skit about freudan slips and it worked except i entered that rambling stage and was like "so yeah if i were a guy-- wait no, okay if i were a girl-- wait no i am a girl nevermind" and people laughed and i'm glad they laughed at my stumblings, but anyway, it came to my points about freud and how he was sexist and coined dubious things like "penis envy/oedipus complex/castration anxiety" and i kinda was like hmmm i don't feel comfortable saying the p word i mean like y'know so i just said peepee and passed it off as that and everyone began laughing and sir bro (teacher's name is that btw so i'll call him that) was like i don't know why you're fine with saying oedipus complex and castration anxiety but not peepee envy" and then i was like nah well if u wanna say it its fine and then he was like yeah okay tru and began talking to the class about how they should be mature about terms like the p word and how that shouldn't have laughed at my 'peepee' term and THEN he began naming like a bunch of genital uh parts and the class was just like omfg and i was just like omg sir and just turned away and was like i can't believe this like really uncomfortably and it was just really funny

anyway, after i did my explanation, i also had to mention that a feminist called Karen Horney challenged Freud's view and it was all going so well until buddy laughed and then everyone else laughed and me and sir bro were just like i can't believe this but also it was very amusing

anyway

squizz (i think i mentioned her before, she's a fellow src member and friend :D) commented how the "peepee" thing was the highlight of her day which was rly cute and i was like ;; i'm glad it made u laugh

squizz is the type of person who's like the sun, y'know? i think i've talked about people being like suns before but she's the type of person who inspires you to be little bit more; the type of person you're glad exists because they're the types who bother to do little things that make you happy? such as compliments on random days and wide smiles and iunno she spreads laughter like wildfire

anyway, when i was in sac, she was like jesse i have something to tell u

and i was like ???? go ahead

and she was like it's not big or anything

and i was like haha go ahead man

and she said something along the lines of: (i may be paraphrasing???) okay well when i was laughing and stuff like everyone was laughing but i was looking at jude and he was laughing at everything you said and i just thought how cute you two would be together

and i kinda was like o...oh

because y'know?? maybe i thought about....... oh man this is so embarassing, but it's like u know, you ever think about something along the lines like "if we got together" and hhhh wow

look at me and my deep dark romantic side coming to the surface

actually no one's ever really said that to me before so it surprised me as well, aha, and i guess it made me happy? y'know, i guess it was something like wow someone thinks i can be in a relationship with someone else??

ugh is this a weirdly self-depricating train of thought??

i don't mean to put myself down but i don't really view it as putting myself down because that's how i've been thinking

yeah

odd right

anyway

what's scary is that, well, hey TIME FOR MORE HARD TO FOLLOW COPY PASTE FACEBOOK CHATS:

• me:
  

  
  

  
  

  we're gonna sing this at music camp

  
  

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X361HzXTVt0

  
  

  we as in bec/sam/s'nay/me/kelly/possibly the others

  
  

  /sobs it is so beautiful.............. i feel like it describes me.... i belong..... with the lyrics..........
• 
  

  
  

  and i'm kind of ??? because i feel like ____がすき？？ みたい な かんじ ですが........ but ah the life of a teenage girl...... shoujo........... i need to stop but with that thing, i've fangirled to claire about him a couple of times and so i've always been kinda ";;" around him and it's like u kno, things get u worked up and u???? am i making sense
• cookie:
  

  
  

  
  

  omg jesse i love this song haha

  
  

  brandon used to sing it all the time

  
  

  it's alright, if you come to like him it's normal

  
  

  But I'm pretty sure he likes you in a friend liking way as well

  
  

  I guess you just need to talk to him a bit more hahaha
• me: DUDE THAT SONG IS BEAUTIFUL!!! SING IT WITH ME WHEN I LEARN THE LYRICS ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
• cookie:lol sure thing bro
• me:
  

  
  

  
  

  you sound like an old woman bri-chi....... you sound like my mum..
• cookie:
  

  
  

  
  

  ... slightly worrying
• me:
  

  but // yeah..... that would be nice /insert happy emoticon
  

  
  

  LOL

  
  

  u should always be slightly worried when ur around me
• cookie
  

  
  

  
  

  you never know what could happen B)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The scary thing with me is that it is soo easy to work me up -- i feel like i CONNECT with that song i linked in cookie's convo, seriously

"Talk myself in, I talk myself out

I get all worked up then I let myself down"

ME!!! but also the last verse is cute

Oh you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid to give so much more than I get yeah
I just haven't met you yet

what a cute right

there's also the fact that motherhen is calling this adorable and for some reason that makes me happy and well i don't want that to make me happy coz it can kinda pave way towards those feelies again esp coz i feel like in the back of my mind i will be holding onto a hope, that's just how i am with all my romantic notions and in the end i really do love the idea of things like that happening and i feel like i'm getting a bit vague

ah yes let's change back to the normal font

but anyway

going step by step and not over-thinking is probably the way to go, right? :)

so hopefully i'll be updating more soon!!! this is a new year after all, hehe. got to keep a record of my life B)

well, goodbye!!! have a beautiful day and i hope you smile lots today and tomorrow and always! smiling is good for ur face also oatmeal is love

also wow hey i'll be creating a new tag for jude 

entry 29.5

so... this is just gonna be a tiny lil update bcoz dragon age inquisition is coming out tomorrow i can't even stress how excited i am god, my only worry is that my bro's graphic's card may not be able to handle inquisition graphics B( but also today was really awesome!!!

in pe, we had to do this netball assessment thing where basically it's not even netball, u just use a netball and there are two teams and your goal is to pass the ball to your teammates ten times without any outside interference -

okay, so, jude was in my team and also this really rad friend i made in src let's call her jasmine from aladdin because she looks like her and she's super cool

anyway

i was free and jude had the ball and well okay maybe i wasn't so free but this person was tryin' ta block me but i had kind of gotten out of their grasp, but anyway jude looked at me and then looked at jasmine and decided to pass it to jasmine but someone from the other team quickly hurried to intercept the ball so i grabbed it and the score hit 9 and then i passed it to jasmine and the score hit 10 and that was a point for our team

..........

IT WAS REALLY COOL BECAUSE JUDE WAS LIKE oiiii nice jesse!! and highfived me and i was like so happy i grinned and high fived him back and it was so cool /sob

yeah that's it

i WILL write about japan soon

sOON

goodbye friends!~!!!!!! THIS TIME TOMORROW, I'LL HAVE MY HANDS ON DRAGON AGE INQUISITION

WISH ME LUCK

HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!!

entry 29

so today i realised i was proud of myself :)))) (though i'm not proud of the fact that i haVE NOT RETOLD THE STORIES OF JAPAN BECAUSE THAT WAS LIKE THE BEST WEEKS OF MY LIFE AND I HAVEN'T BOTHERED TO WRITE ABOUT THEM??? when the holiday comes i swear to god i will write about it all, i'm gonna stick a post-it note to my toilet so every time i go take a dump it's staring at me and i get uncomfortable and inclined to actually do it)

and, well, it was interesting coz this is kind of a week of stress for me. i have this science presentation to wing, a pe dance to follow up on because i didn't get to do it before japan and now my pe teacher looks at me with this meaningful look that makes me nervous, i have a maths test on wednesday and a drama script to memorise seeing as i have this kind of main role as this kid called Billie who acts like a pirate - and this is for Youth Theatre and we're gonna go performing around random primary schools in a couple of weeks, so I SHOULD really get onto those...

and also dragO NAGEG INQUSITUINTON COMES OUT IN 3 DAYS /SCREAMS. 3 days could not be any longer, I swear. it's a kind of pleasurable pain, you know? ;v; /wistful sigh. so close yet so far.

but today i found out that i got the highest mark in my class for my japanese presentation and i was really happy, hehe. it was funny because during the presentation, i panicked and paused during my speech (it was this speech about a monster you have to make up - describing the monster's personality and appearance - i came up with this rabbit thing that had lots of legs and ate children after drinking orange juice at the park - like imagine this lil cute rabbit thang popping up from behind the bushes but as the bush trembles and it begins to reveal itself you get the feeling that something is horribly wrong and BAM THE LIL BUNNY HAS A THOUSAND SPIDER LEGS/ENEMONIE (sp????) LIKE LEGS AND CHILLS RUN DOWN YOUR BACK AND SUDDENLY IT NYOOMS TOWARDS YOU WITH LIGHTNING SPEED and ur ded

yeah that was my monster

but anyway i got nervous and me and my friends were talking about nervous habits one day and she said that i had the habit of jumping around/releasing my energy in that way and i was like ye and well that's what i did like i began jumping around and going "holD ON I KNOW THIS" and everyone laughed and i was happy that people laughed and well yeah that happened

and today we were given our marks and that dude jude was like sir who got the top mark and sir was like well.. no one..... but jesse got the highest at 19.5 and za was like did she lose half a mark because she started jumping and everyone laughed again and sir was like yes that (but it was because i paused) but hehe i'm okay with that!!!!

i've also been exercising and getting better at holding my times and extending the time on the treadmill - my highest that i can recount is going at 10km 3% incline for around 7 mins non-stop? and then my highest speed is 11km but at like either 5% incline or 2% but either way, i'm proud. I can also do push ups now with relative ease and i'm very happy, i just gotta learn how to do the triangle push-up things but yeah. i'm really happy.

i haven't been updating much and partly, that's due to so many things happening at the same time but you know, even the friendly-acquaintance stories - i used to be so "CRAP I HAVE TO UPDATE!! SOMETHING HAPPENED TODAY!!!" but y'see things like this have been happening so often that i haven't had time to update and that's an interesting thing to note, i reckon, hehe. i'll see what i can do about sharing them as they pop up though!!

also SRC CAMP:

this huge wall of text is a summary, good luck to anyone who'd even wanna read it all:

------

src camp was AMAZING!!!!!
I MADE FRIENDS WITH THIS RLY CUTE ASIAN

GIRL HER NAME IS ANGELYN SHE'S LIKE MY

LIL SIS I S2G SHE
IS SO ADORABLE
and EVERYONE WAS JUST GREAT
AND IT WAS SO COOL!!
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:28
Brianna
Omg... angel
not angel
anyone but angel haha
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:29
Jesse
yeah, claire called me up yesterday at

midnight and we talked and i researched

some things and we came up with ways to

go about comforting her
whaaaat angel is so cute!
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:30
Brianna
I'm glad she has people who she can

depend on. You guys are the best haha
she's an interesting character
did you get closer to the girl reps?
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:30
Jesse
yeah, and i'm really glad everyone in the

year is so caring!
i... i think i did............ it was

really...

weird....................................

....
like at night we were all talking about

"girl stuff" you know and i was kinda

silent coz they all had their inside

jokes and i did admittedly feel kinda

like a third wheel and it was weird coz i

felt a bit more comfortable with the guys than

the girls
but
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:32
Brianna
Yeah, I see what you mean
I should have said something to squizz

asking to include you a bit more
Well at least you have made closer

friends!~
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:32
Jesse
i ended up telling them about canoe guy

and they were telling me about their

experiences and stuff and they ended up

fangirling so hard about my story and

shiz and we all ended up talking about

how my group was kinda isolated and it

was really nice because they all were so

enthusiastic about wanting the other

people in the year to get to know the

group better
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:33
Jesse
hehe oh bri-chi you are just beautiful
we did warm and fuzzies
if you were there i think i would've run

out of paper with the things i have to

say B)))))))))))))))))
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:35
Jesse
i think one of the sweetest things that

was said to me on my warm and fuzzies was

how omoiyari said he truly considered me

a mate and that he was thankful for that

i was reading it on the way home and i

teared up and then when i got home i was

like you know i still have so many things

to say, my warm and fuzzy was kinda short

so let's write a lil letter thing
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:35
Jesse
so now i have a lil letter to give

omoiyari /nods coz there was that time in

japan when he asked me to help him with

his self intro and i felt so honoured and

that one time when i was in his intro

drama class and i told him he was like my

bro but didn't expand on it so i think he

got weirded out but in my letter i

explained what i meant
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:36
Jesse
so it's all g now /nods
I AM SO READY FOR EVERYTHING
also i became the src secretary
i have to take minutes and everything and

honestly it's pretty intense
IT WAS REALLY WEIRD BRI-CHI MY SRC CAMP

EXPERIENCE IS A MESS
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:37
Brianna
Omg, they all sound so nice QQ
like a beautiful family
you guys are all really close now and

that's so good
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:38
Jesse
!!!!!! IT'S SO EXCITING I'M SO EXCITED!!!
yeah and MM tenshi and squiz was like

jesse u have to USE ur connections
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:38
Brianna
warm and fuzzies make me cry
omg, SECRETARY THOUGH
THAT'S A BIG RESPONSIBILITY
aawww, and you and omoiyari
01/11/2014 22:39
Brianna
I'm sure he'd be touched by your letter
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:39
Jesse
YEAH I KNOW
!! AND the reason i went for secretary in

the first place
was because omoiyari actually said he

thought i'd make a good secretary
Jesse Tran
01/11/2014 22:39
Jesse
and told me about it and stuff and i was
really surprised
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:40
Brianna
i'm so proud of you QQ
Such a big job
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:41
Jesse
yeah, today i spent the day compiling the

minutes and i finished and i'm happy
deputybro is my lil deputy secretary bro

he's so cool man
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:42
Brianna
omg deputybro
he's so swag
and cool
and kool
and swag
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:42
Jesse
yeah, he played the guitar
we had a karaoke night
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:42
Brianna
do you have to do that every week?
did you sing
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:43
Jesse
yeah i do
yeah i did but it was group singing B)
although the camp was this huge

conference of ideas and there was just

everything
so i think in the little meetings,

there'll be a tad less work to do
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:45
Brianna
aww, you should have gone solo
and awed everyone with your singing

skillz
did you get closer to dbunks and cbell?
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:46
Jesse
squizz was constantly hinting at it but

we all sang together anyway B)
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:46
Brianna
and did you share the 2 ply toilet paper

idea
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:46
Jesse
yeah it was so cool!! ACTUALLY CBELL

SHARED THE 2 PLY TOILET PAPER IDEA I

THINK I WAS LIKE HECKIE YEAH MAN
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:46
Brianna
OMG YASSS
FINALLY
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:46
Jesse
apparently the src have been trying to

get two ply ever since
it's just never happened and it's not a

main priority so i guess we'll see what

happens LOL
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:47
Brianna
omg yasss my dreams are coming true
:< so sad
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:47
Jesse
LOL finally, you get to wipe ur butt with

silky smoothness
dw i may be able to smuggle some 2 ply

just for u
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:47
Brianna
thanks, that would be appreciated
and maybe some scented thingos in the

toilet
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:47
Jesse
i didn't talk to dbunks much but i defs

talked to cbell more and we sat next to

each other and it was pretty funny there

were jokes
his warm and fuzzie to me was also super

nice /sob
LOL
sure
maybe some scented hand crafted soap
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:48
Brianna
made from goats milk
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:49
Jesse
I ACTUALLY HAVE SOAP MADE FROM COCONUT

AND BANANA
IT SMELLS SOOOO GOOD

-----

and yeah that should be a summary and the names are censored like usual. hopefully. omoiyari told me the letter was beautiful and it was really funny hehe. and there's more to come later, but i should get ready for school tomorrow!

bye friends, i hope smiles light up all ur pretty faces and everything good happens to you!!

ALSO I WENT TO BBALL LAST WEEK AND PLAN TO GO AGAIN THIS WEEK /SCREAMS

also i've introduced katie to oatmeal AND dragon age and she loves both /CACKLES MANIACALLY

ah, oatmeal <3

my friends ellie and claire made a bet i'd get sick of oatmeal by next year but i won't

just u guys see

B)

entry 27

INFJ Description

by Marina Margaret Heiss and Joe Butt

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life.Those who are activists - INFJs gravitate toward such a role - are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden.They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress.INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless.The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led.These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time.Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.

(INFJ stands for Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging and represents individual's preferences in four dimensions characterising personality type, according to Jung's and Briggs Myers' theories of personality type.)

hell yeah!!

sorry.

hi.

how long has it been since i last posted? two months yeah? LOTS HAS HAPPENED IN THOSE TWO MONTHS.

well, to me. nothing REALLY big in my life, but just... awesome things. for example, dragon age: inquisition. I AM SO PUMPED. IN THE TIME I'VE BEEN AWAY, I'VE BEEN GETTING OBSESSED WITH GAMES: E.G DRAGON AGE, MASS EFFECT AND i'm crying DRAGON AGE ASUNDER - which is a novel stemming from the Dragon Age world/gaming franchise - IS SO DAMN GOOD here have one of my favourite parts:

"Is that what I do? Torment you?"
Haunted eyes. "Yes. No."
Rhys reached up to touch Cole, to reassure him, but the young man only scrambled farther up the sarcophagus. "Leave me alone," he muttered, although it didn't sound convincing.
"Is that what you really want me to do?"
"No."
"Cole, come with me (etc, Rhys begins to talk about Cole/more dragon age stuff)"
Silence.
"Don't you want help?" he asked.
"I don't want anyone to hurt me." Cole was a grown man, but this was the frightened plea of a child. Rhys stood there for a long time, staring helplessly up at him.
"You could leave, you know. You don't have to stay in the tower like I do."
"Where would I go?
Rhys didn't have a good  answer for that. Nowhere. Anywhere but here. If I were you I would walk pat those templars, leave the tower, and go somewhere they could never find me. But he wasn't Cole. The young man avoided the upper floors of the tower because people frightened him. The city outside the tower was an impossibility, so terrifying in its chaos that he probably couldn't even imagine it. And what sort of life would that be, watching a world bursting full of excitement in which you could only be a spectator?

Cole is my child and i'll always be so sad for him. Rhys and Cole will forever be my brotp /decisive nod.

and i even made a tumblr for DA/ME: unto-starfang.

okay, so, straying from that topic...

my birthday, right, that's what i have to cover.

i felt really loved. like, it was just a huge realisation of how much i adored my friends and how much i felt special that day, whiiich is okay to say because it was my birthday party B)

the snacks were hella rad and we watched the Conjuring. lemme tell you, everyone screamed and i just laughed. when the scenes started to crescendo into actual horror i began smiling and joy glanced at me and was like, "jesse omg your face right now is terrifying" and i was just like "heh,,heHEhe YES GOOD LET THE TERROR BEGIN" and it was AMAZING. too bad COOKIE and HAZZA missed out on it B(

hm so let me freshen you guys up on the deets:

there is a new principal at my school, katie has almost gotten a boyfie: a boy who she ACTUALLY tried to set up with me so that is one amusing twist of fate, HELL yeah claire u go girl, bri i'm crying forever because OTP, i've maDE FURTHER FRIENDS WITH this girl let's call her cinnamon coz i heard her being called that today at leadership training and jamilla has previously stated that she is a girl who is the equivalent to me but in another group, and we get along pretty well hehe, also, here's what i sent to a cookie:

"as u can tell i've gotten over canoe guy, it's funny coz i'm grateful to him but also i'm apprehensive of him for no reason now, maybe apprehensive is too caustic a word but in science the other day he popped up behind me when me and claire were measuring some stuff and i kind of realised this and moved to the other side away from him without realising and i'm pretty sure he noticed it and then i noticed it and we made weird eye contact and i was just thinking i am SO sorry for putting you into this position man"

and that pretty much sums up my *love life* wow, right now :D

i'm happy where i am and i'm glad i can say that.

-
/many days go past
-

KATIE HAS A BOYFRIEND AND SHE KISSED HIM AND SHE TOLD ME ABOUT IT AND IT WAS SO CUTE AND WHEN SHE DESCRIBED IT I WAS SOBBING BECAUSE seriously she described it just as if it were fanfiction and i'm so happy for her

AND SORRY BUT ALSO KURAGEHIME IS REALLY GOOD I SHIP TSUKIMI AND KURANOSUKE SO DAMN HARD

but also i got an exchange student and she became a very close sister of mine in the span of 10 days

and FISH SHOULD JUST NOT

you guys should know who fish is, just go back in the 'canoe guy' tags and /shudders UGH

also I'M MAKING FRIENDS!!!

i'll tell you lil stories and then get to the big ones, i guess /nods

in youth theatre (i think i've mentioned it before but just to refresh people: it's a class where you form a play and then go around performing it to little kids in primary schools), we've been getting into little groups for a major project which is to appropriate a disney song and perform it for the class. there are 3 - 4 people per group and basically, there's an uneven amount of friends in this class. so, ellie, ruby and i were separated into a three and we needed one more person - and there were people away that day so a person called... let's call him harry osborne from amazing spiderman because he looks like that actor - so osborne here right, he was put into our group and at the very beginning i had this prominent feeling of dread crawling through me because not only would we be separating him from his friends, he'd have to do the thing with us and it's a HUGE project. and to do well on this project, you have to work together really well. so-- you'll see what i'm about to talk about --that was my main motivation.

the first lesson we had together it was extremely awkward jesus christ; we were deciding the roles we were going to play and we asked osborne what he'd like to be, and he replied in this offhand tone: "oh i don't really mind, i'll do whatever" - maybe offhand isn't the correct word to describe it, but it was really nonchalant and i was like ah.. i see... and my friends and i just exchanged these glances and i'm pretty sure we all thought 'this is going to be difficult' because when you do a thing like that, it doesn't leave much room for conversation, or actually help the decision-making process and you don't want to make the person do anything they don't want to do but too afraid to say they don't - feel me?

we left the class that lesson and i was just groaning away because i had no idea how this was going to work out and could only hope the ice broke.

next lesson, we were forced outside because the HSC trials were on inside our usual classroom.

it was fairly awkward this time around. and by fairly awkward, i mean, still pretty damn awkward. after figuring out some stuff, talking briefly to osborne and distracting ourself with small talk (while osborne sat on the sidelines, looking longingly off into the distance [from my own observation, ofc]), the final ten minutes soon appeared and we were all sitting in silence. during the tiny conversations earlier, i'd been smiling awkwardly in the terse pauses because of how uncomfortable we all were, and i think osborne saw me doing that because he had this awkward-ish smile on as well /shudders.

spurring from a conversation from a previous friend (as i said, i was groaning away about how sdfghj it was and just hhhhggghh), i turned to osborne and said: "SoooOOOoooo, how's _______?" and this _______ is his girlfriend and that might've made things all the more awkward for him because his eyes were wide and his mouth hung and this sound came out from him: "Uhh..."

hurriedly, i waved my hands around and began talking about how i knew his girlfriend because of friends (which were friends with him) to try and justify my question but honestly it was spur of the moment and i was trying to get him to talk more and feel comfortable - i guess it didn't help because my other friends were having this bout of small-talk and i was just looking between them and osborne and cringing because it wasn't really a good sign.

anyway, he laughed awkwardly and said "She's good," and i don't even know if they're still together but i hope they are (they're adorable and i have this kind of thing for interracial couples, don't even ask man it's just really cute not that other couples aren't cute but sorry if this offends anyone or if it does something because i just-) because otherwise that'd be SUPER awkward.

HOWEVER!!

what was good was that he actually started talking more after that and i felt happy. i honestly didn't feel that flustered when i asked that question because i expected that kind of reply - and when he said 'she's good', my other friends started laughing and were like 'wow jesse, way to break the ice' and one cracked a joke - the polar bear one, as an example and he laughed and we began talking about our project a bit more and it was rad.

the next lesson, shoko (my lovely exchange student//sister from japan) was with me in YTH and i came in a bit late, so when i got there, ruby and ellie were standing around for a bit and we met up with osborne (who had been talking to this guy i ship with ellie - let's call him SN) and we were going to sit down, before i suggested that we should sit on the other side of the room. ellie asked why and i was like, iunno man we just should - the reason was because SN was on that side and osborne is friends with him so i thought if our groups were sitting a bit closer together, it'd be good for osborne because maybe it'd ease the tension for him a bit, to be near a friend.

in the beginning of the period, i spent my time entertaining shoko and her friends by explaining what my group was doing and i also gave her some ideas on how to spend the lesson - i showed shoko panic at the disco and she liked their music so i gave her my ipod so she could show the music to her friends. i also gave her my script so she could look at that and ellie allowed them to listen to the song on her phone. after that, they went to their own devices (shoko told me they were translating the panic at the disco song, ballad of mona lisa). then, ellie assigned costume design and make-up to osborne and i and we worked on that for a bit. ruby and ellie worked on the stage design. that was okay, it was a short-ish lesson and although it was still a bit tense, things were better.

the next lesson, however! we went outside to practice the actual scene and jesus that was actually so fun! it was nice because osborne began contributing stuff and more jokes were made and it's nice talking to him, he's a hella cool dude and it's super fun because we all get along!! :D i think, in this lesson roles were assigned and osborne was ed, ruby was banzai, scar was ellie and i became shenzi - anyway, in a small moment of silence, i said to osborne, "so, you're okay with being ed?" and he was like "oh y-" but i grinned and said, "or did ellie and ruby kind of just assign ed to you?" and he cracked a grin and laughed and was like "yeah, pretty much," and i laughed as well and in my head i was like 'dw i feel u brother'. it's winter in australia now and it's insanely cold, and osborne didn't have his jacket so i reminded him to bring his jacket for next time and he was like yeah that DOES sound like a good idea.

and then the next lesson was hella rad too omg though i came into the class and straight away, the teacher (as i'm told) was like: 'oooooh yeah lol so today i'm gonna film 30 seconds of a scene so u better be ready' and we practiced for that and that great, we got stuff done! the thing about drama is that you really need to let go if you want to actually embody a character - especially ones with strong personalities and quirks, so i hope i can get that right in the future, but it was funny because osborne's ed and he has to do this weird laugh and one of the first times he did this extra weird laugh and i began laughing and we were all laughing and it was sick (or siq, i'm told, which is how the cool kids spell it).

the second recent lesson was a really short lesson where we had to block out the other scenes of our song and i was given some a few tips from the parkour master osborne and more jokes were made and i'm sure if i'd written this earlier, my memory would be fresh and i'd be able to describe things truer than how i'm currently describing them, but near the end of the lesson i accidentally brought a stick in (previously used as a flimsy paperweight) and i was like oh crap osborne can you throw this out for me and he did and i was like thanks dude ur platinum.

BUT YESTERDAY!!

so we had a double lesson to do stuff and we were mostly just rehearsing but i commented on a few things and it was cool coz we laughed and after that, i suggested some ideas to ellie and she was looking dubious because we didn't have much time, but i kept saying it was just something small that we could put in-- and then osborne backed me up and was like 'no yeah that's a good idea, it'll add characterisation' and i was like o.o because he said what i wanted to say and i was like ayyyye!!! and i held out my hand and we high fived and it made this really clear sound and he was like that was a good high five and i was like hELL YEAH

so, today, ruby mentioned something about how weird it is that in some classes you talk to people you never really knew before but then after them you never talk again and admittedly that made me a bit sad, hehe

also i've been saying 'good job' after our drama lessons as a way to say goodbye because we didn't really acknowledge each other at at the end, we just kind of... went our separate ways and it was like 'well okay' and you know how friends say bye to each other after the period ends and we all go home or go to lunch or just separate? yeah, well i've been doing that because that way it feels more like we're all friends.

obviously, i'd love to become friends with him!

also, in japanese the other day, i was away on an excursion with the other hosts (hosting japanese exchange students) and i came back to class and all the people away were assigned to people who were there that day, and i got assigned to this dude, we'll call him AP because initials. he was a really good teacher! and he was actually really easy to talk to, we laughed a few times and i'd also love to get to know him as well. tbh i can't remember that much as it was quite a few weeks ago.

so about my exchange student!!

it was really nice. it seriously felt like i had a sister for 10 days - a twin sister, although maybe the fact that she had the same birthday as i do and the same interests and favourite anime (though she liked seafood and i really don't /shudders) had something to do with it. the first day was a tad awkward but after i taught her the words for butt and fart, it was amazing and my family loved her - we had amazing dinners everyday and my dad approved of her because she ate seafood.

i remember one time, everyone was eating prawns (i had chicken) and shoko didn't know how to peel them as it was her first time ever having them, so my dad shook his head and peeled a few prawns for her but gave her his as he peeled them - and that's really something, because my dad never does that for anyone except me coz i'm his daughter and all - but he doesn't even do that for my bro when he's struggling and it was a very nice gesture and after that i was like: i'm proud of ya dad B)

we played cluedo on one of the days and SHE SMASHED US ALL AND also my bro, my cousin and i were all impressed because she picked up on the game really quickly and understood the instructions - shoko was so eager to learn and bright and easy to talk to - anyway, she won on the first round and it was intense. don't be tricked by innocent-looking people, lemme tell u.

my family keeps asking, "do you miss her jesse?" and like, yeah, of course i do - her presence was nice and all - but not in the way that 'aw pleaaaasse come back i miss u so much ;;', more like... i'm very happy to have had the experience with you and you're my sis now y'know? so i just hope lots of good things happen to you and you finish watching kuragehime and you sharpen up your cluedo skills coz next time we meet i'm so gonna beat you B) u WON'T FOOL ME WITH UR TRICKERY SHOKO

anyway

it was nice preparing recess and lunch for her, and having green tea with her every morning and exercising everyday omg it was so funny because we were doing some ab work and shoko was struggling and my cousin said something funny and we all started laughing and it was hard to breathe

the first day she met my dad, all he said was: if u don't want to sleep in a room with jesse, jesse can sleep in a car outside

and she looked to me for an explanation

and i looked at dad, all deadpan and said: dad no

and he cackled.

/sigh.

on the last night, we spent how many hours talking about random things (girl talk tbh) and she told me lots about her life in japan and i told her some stories and we laughed a lot. my mum actually referred to both of us as her daughters and also my dad referred to shoko as his adopted daughter when he told me to make tea for her. when shoko and i were talking, she brought up how i call my brother 'bro' and asked me to call her 'sis' and that just about melted my heart right then and there, my face was pretty much this: ;; also pretty sure my bro had this lil crush on her because she was so cute (when she caught her first fish her face did that thing where it lit up and she had this habit of clapping when things excited her and she was adorable).

also i finished the japanese diary cover for japan (did i ever mention that i was given that job?)!!

well, regardless, this happened:

yeah.

there was this whole thing with the front cover (the second image) and what you're seeing right now is the second version of the actual front cover that jamilla drew. basically, yesterday during SRC NOMINATIONS (i'll tell u about that soon, jesus there's so much to cover) - my jap teacher pulled me out of the meeting. he faced me and said, "okay, jesse, there's been a problem."

REALLY HESITANTLY, i replied, "alright... what... is it?"

he paced for a few moments, and then sat down.

and explained stuff about jamilla's cover and how the company to create the diaries messaged him and said 'are you sure you want to put this on the front cover? it's a bit messy' - and by messy, i mean, firstly - jamilla drew the cover in pencil and there were pencil markings. secondly, there was a torn corner.

so, sir said: "[the head languages teacher] and i were thinking that maybe you could pull 11 chibis from the back cover (31 people are going to japan) and put it on the front cover and just write, really quickly in some fancy font, 'japanese study tour'?"

frowning, i thought for a bit, before suggesting, "maybe you should talk to jamilla first..."

and he agreed, so he pulled jamilla out too and we talked for a bit.

he explained the same thing to jamilla and at one point, i suggested that maybe if jam had the drawing, i could scan it and fix it up on my computer but she shook her head and said that wasn't possible because it was still with the company. so then i said maybe she could come over my house in the next few days to draw it on my computer so it'd be blemish free but that wasn't possible because it had to be due in immediately the next day.

it was incredibly obvious that jamilla was disappointed. all the while, i'd been thinking: wow this must suck so bad for jamilla - to have all that effort go to nothing AND have her partner take over and take all the credit.

i was angry, to be completely honest.

and anyway, jamilla had to go on her bus so she said goodbye and that 'it couldn't be helped' and my teacher asked if it was okay with me to do it, so of course i said yes.

but then i had an idea.

as soon as i got home, i tried calling jamilla and it took an hour later for her to actually pick-up and when she did, i said to her: "jam, get on facebook right now. i have an idea."

so, she got on facebook and i told her the idea. i was going to do the chibi thing on the front page BUT i would try to copy her exact drawing and put it in the front cover as well - so it'd be her design still. i wanted to capture the essence of the artwork she drew.

her reaction was just... it made me really happy!! because she was so happy and she asked me if i was sure i wanted to do it for her and i was like dude, we're partners til the end. and she said she was actually crying and i was just like omg jamilla shhhh it's okay you're my motivation for this i can't really do this without you so /shimmyshrug genki o dashite yo senpai

but yeah. it was really draining - it took three hours - but it was worth it to see her happy.

and today she presented me with these:

and hey, i'm not complaining that much because free stuff B) but i was a bit unsure of whether to accept the notepad or not because she didn't need to give me anything (i'm love cards!!) but apparently it was her parent's idea so that's okay i guess

but honestly, i am so done with drawing right now.

this summarises my feelings towards it, and i will say goodbye with this because i can't seem to write stuff underneath it /deep sighing.

WAIT
I HAVE TO teLL YOU ABOUT THE SRC THING

so src nominations it's THAT time of the year again friends and trust me when i say i'm not as dramatic as i was last year (in fact i'm cringing at how much of a big deal it was and how much i took not getting the position to heart). i was talking to ruby about it last night and she said this: "it's good to cringe at your past self, it's how you know you've improved" and it's a nice message so there.

for my src speech this year, guess what i did /wiggles eyebrows

yeah.

that's RIGHT.

I SAID A PICK-UP LINE.

well, aimed at everyone.

i was thinking about it last-minute at lunch and here's how it went:

"so.. on a scale of one to ten, you're all nines and i'm the one you need," -insert cheesy gesture towards self and grin-

-silence-

-CLAPS/LAUGHING-

and it was pretty cool even though i'm a huge ball of cliche. i SERIOUSLY FORGOT TO ADD A TUMBLR DISCLAIMER LIKE NO I AM NOT THAT ORIGINAL I DID NOT MAKE THAT PICK-UP LINE but yeah. after that i said, "no really though, i'd love this opportunity to get to know all of you and i'd love to hear you id--ideas." (i stuttered /sigh).

yeah.

it was cool!

and this time i know for a fact i won't be sad if i don't get the position (it's a huge responsibility tbh and i don't know if i'll be able to handle it but i'll certainly try if i do get it) because everyone who nominated that day were very worthy and it was so hard choose who to vote for

yeah!

i'm very happy with how i am now.

in pe we got a bunch of.... wow, i'm actually so not finished, let me take another photo of it:

yeah.

ruthless.

fish.

you know the gist.

or well, yeah, nevermind dudes.

for one person, i wrote 'you have great legs' (along with other things of course), and he actually ended up sitting next to me in class as a coincidence and he began talking about how it was such a great thing to write and he read it out (i said he was actually a really nice *right after this i wrote, 'well, when you want to be' and funny dude) and said that the leg thing didn't even sound bad, it sounded like someone wrote it nicely and zara was just nudging me in the side going jesse u wrote that right and i was like well yeah i wrote a lot of things to a lot of people and this is the same guy who came up to me at bush school - the renowned 'jerk' type dude who complimented my group on how we sang royals - and for sake of anonymity (though you'll find his name if you go back to entry 19) i'll call him ham - but anyway, ham looked at my writing and i looked at him and i was like yeah i wrote that and he smiled and was like thank you so much and i was like no probs bro

this comes into play later, but okay

during the SRC thing MY COOKIE OF A FRIEND BRIANNA I'M CRYING SHE LEANED OVER AND SAID SHE VOTED FOR ME AND I WAS SERIOUSLY STUNNED FOR A MOMENT MY MOUTH WAS HANGING BECAUSE BRI IS SUCH A COOKIE YOU KNOW?? AND I WAS SO SURPRISED and i think i almost teared up but i also felt really happy and touched and it was like wow, bri-chi voted for me?? it just made me really happy i'll probs define the src nominations by that moment (and in that moment i swear we were infinte), because all i could say was 'briiiiiiiiii' and she mimicked me and i was like ;; i miss you so much come hug me please

and well, there goes my ego look at it fly B) thank u bri-chi u sure know how to fluff one's pillows

but also today in pe, ham looked at me and was like jesse i voted for you because you said i had great legs a few days ago and i was like oh my god LOL thank you dude and he was like no problem

amazing

that is all i can say

and i'll leave you with this!! because i can't seem to write anything underneath it. B(

see ya friends, and i hope you're as happy as i am right now. be safe!

me after drawing for 3 hours straight:

THANK THE JEEBLE

What are you on about mate

wat

What about mother nature

i'm on such a drawing break right now

oh

about fixing the font

ugh i'm tIRED

B(

like

seriously

if someone asks me to draw anything else and i HAVE to

i will sHIT ON EVERYTHING THEY LOVE

LOL

LOLOLOL

/WHEEZES

I'm so proud of you

You've worked so hard on this

I'm PRETTY DAMN PROUD OF ME TOO

LOOK

ALL THIS DRAWING HAS MADE ME INCREDIBLY CRUDE

NOW

LOL

i will exercise the stress away

YOU SHOULD BE

and i will have a shower

No

Go to sleep

and eat dinner

wat

You need it

i ahven't had dinner tho

claire r u trying to starve me

B(

Eat dinner then go to sleeo

*sleep

You don't need to exercise today

B)))

i have to shower today B))))

and before showers i exercise B))))

Shower in the morning

it will be a respite from the constant drawing my hand actually hurts

EW

NO

that's so far away

/shudders

LOL

Just try it B)

!!

thank u claire-bear

noooooooooooooooooooooooooo

B(

that is not the jesse way