Sunday, 2 February 2014

entry 15

fullmetal alchemist brotherhood is beautiful. i love the emotions; how the makers are able to invoke those emotions. it's wonderful. the lullaby of resembool has to be my favourite ost because it gives you a bit of nostalgia /from/ the anime and that's a wonderful, precious feeling. also, ling badass mofo yao. he gives me the feels.

so i've been writing recently.

i realise that writing has actually been a passion of mine for a long time - ever since i was 11. looking back on my fanfiction account, i see my old fics and i've read them and they are very shudder worthy but adorably so; i say adorably because it just reminds me that i've improved quite a lot (but there's still much more room for improvement).

i don't really want to do acting any more; that was probably a spur of the moment thing and that tends to happen to me a lot /sigh. i'm doing acting this year and /coughs/ so the people doing it kind of intimidates me but i really have to keep reminding myself that it's a chance to improve, not an opportunity to feel bad about myself.

i've also been singing and testing stuff out on my microphone: output gain is a good thing, so is vocal ambience in reference to classic reverb, delay is a suggestion and eq can be quite good as long as it doesn't make the vocals too... scratchy. that's just a note to self.

i tend to do things in the spur of the moment SO much and when i look back on it i cringe, but... experience huh? /laughs nervously. i'm also a bit naive. i do things and then i get hurt because i put a lot of... enthusiasm? passion? whatever it is - a put a lot into it and then i look back and kind of glimpse how the other people i do things for don't do things for me at all, and i set up this expectation of them and myself and maybe that's why i fail at a lot of things.

ugh. i think i'm going to change youth theatre to something a little more practical (i have creative writing in mind but i'm not sure if it is available)


this year i'm into martial arts and writing! /cackles. martial arts will be hella fucking fun, i feel it in my damn bones. this is a promise to myself: no matter what keep your interest because it feels good, that's simply it. not because you have to for other people. just because /you/ want to and you know that it makes you happy. i also really have this urge to get fit because exercising is fun, heh.

so i got my hair cut. my bits are gone and i'm SO SAD. it's like a part of my heart was chopped off.

it went like this:

'okay so where do u want your bangs cut?'
-i gesture to my chest
'oh okay sure'
-hairdresser cuts it all off
'is this okay? :DD'
i nod, shocked and traumatised.

it was very...



i'm so...



so i'm also back at school.

i've got a tad bit of homework but eh. i've done all but the maths hw and that's because you're supposed to find a textbook on the school site but i have no idea where it is so i'm gonna ask miss tomorrow. as long as it's done by the end of the year, apparently it's okay.

wish me luck /sigh.

so, y'know... how i was like to canoe dude, that his smile was nice, at the end of the last holidays? did i mention that? y-yeah, i did..

well that, for me, was basically a way of saying 'thanks for being likeable, this is the end' but /coughs apparently feelings don't work that way no matter how much i want it to - on the first day of school he entered and there was that feeling again.

....y'know, that feeling? in your chest that makes your hand raise to it and your eyes kinda soften and it's warm and maybe a bit crushing?


i hate it. so much.

it's very ironic because i'm that romantic kind of person but i'm so scared of liking a person and so apprehensive to liking someone. infatuation is a scary-ass thing.

i saw him later that day when school had ended and he was walking towards where i was heading (diagram for u: ---> <----) basically we were gonna collide but not in the collide literal meaning, and i was looking up like normal and i only just realised it was him (my eyesight, 'nuff said) and when he looked up i was like really belatedly 'o..,h' and so i looked away.

but i felt like i wanted to talk to him. why do i feel like that whenever i see him, i wonder? is that a self-explanatory question? i really can't tell and it screws with my brain, but then again i am a very emotional person so it shouldn't surprise me.

but i wanted to talk to him so much.

it's just that his friends greeted him at that time and i felt scared so i didn't.

it's very selfish of me (i think) but i have thoughts that 'if he wants to talk to me he will' but then i remember that isn't there that clique restriction? isn't it just me who thinks of him so much it's a bit unfair? yeah, it is just me so it's my fault in the first place and then i end up sighing deeply (i seem to be doing that a lot lately).

yeah, so anyway, i didn't talk to him though i really wanted to.

i was contemplating about him while in the car with my mum, after that and that's when my mum was like 'heyyyy u okay daughter' and then i felt like i wanted to tell someone, and trust me the options aren't much because i'm a secretive person when it comes to these things, so i told her.

and she was like 'hm.. hey, well at least you didn't have a crush on a guy for six years' and she told me the story of how she had a crush on this dude from high school to university for six years and how she was exchanging letters with him and it just suddenly stopped and not because he died or anything tragic like that, it was just that... it stopped. sad because it's so easy to stop communicating with someone you care about when you're not in actual contact with them.

and she told me that i should use my feelings as inspiration and that really helped me.

but still, it hurts. it's also very scary.

i just... can i not like him? he might be like a really nice dude and all but i'm too shy to go up to him so nothing's ever gonna happen and URGhHHhHHHHHHHH make it stoooop ;a;


sorry /sigh.

but i also found that he had an interest in photography and when i found out that i was like are you fucking kidding me.

it just somehow even that seems really wonderful of him??

and he sits behind me in geography. send help. and he's in my science class.

it's too bad because i'm the type to want to act on things, not the type to secretly 'relish' things, but i do relish things i just do it in a different way and in a way that hurts myself because i really believe on acting on things.

i'm just...


why do things have to be so complex?

now i'm just a silly school girl fawning over some boy and it's annoying me a hella lot.

i'm very much an idiot.


2014 is the year of the japanese excursion, bush school, the year ten formal and the pressure of the rosa.

good luck to me.

this is entry 15: to any readers at all, please have a safe and happy day. smile because you look beautiful when you do (everyone does unless you're smiling as you murder someone so please don't commit murder, it's a bad thing). thanks yo.


  1. i think your passion is whats great about you
    i told you that already i think but yeah
    maybe it hurts you after
    but at the time you can enjoy being certain of how much you like something
    and you can want to do it
    so you d it and enjoy it
    and if you regret it a bit after
    well who cares?
    you were happy at the time
    so no problem man
    enjoy your passion while it lasts then after be like
    LOL thats gone now
    and shake head at yoursefl
    i think this is my instruction to myself as much as you haha

    1. hehe, good luck to us both then hey? c:
      ah man, i don't know, i have very mixed feelings about what my passion does because it can be so fleeting if i don't get what i want aha.
      but yeah, i guess time will tell or something inspirational like that, hehe.
      thanks brownie <3