Thursday, 13 February 2014

entry 18

me and claire were talking and then this happened:

me: “that’s just me,
lying on the floor and looking up at the ceiling wondering if i’ll ever see stars
but maybe, y’know i’m lying on the floor and gazing at the ceiling but also the ceiling’s actually made up of glass
so i can see the stars
but i can’t reach them because there’s always a wall”
claire: “or maybe you go outside your little room and discover a beautiful world that you were always dreaming of but never had the courage to go to”
me: “…and maybe there’s just a hallway that’s really long
and you don’t really know what to expect at the end of it, so sometimes you feel like you want to stop and go back to you little room so you can lay down
but maybe, y’know, because of that there’s detours. mini rooms which lead you sometimes forwards or backwards but it’s because you don’t know that you just have to keep moving forward.”

it's cool how a previously hopeless thing can turn into something inspiring, y'know?

so today, there was a year meeting in the MPU - i don't even know what that stands for but yeah we were in a meeting and maybe a few minutes through it i realised canoe guy was sitting right diagonally across from me so i could see his back and his neck and ugH and his arms are really nice--

iunno he was kind of leaning back on his hands and there was this vein running down his arm and

i should just not

yeah, well anyway...

UGH i'm so weird



i was just wondering about if he was doing a language or not, and partly, i wanted to talk to him kind of

and i was thinking how easy it'd be because i've done it before even though it felt like i hadn't

so after putting my bag on my back and just walking for a while

he was like

right in front of me

so i was like huh i could ask him

so i was like hey, /insert name

and he smiled and looked at me, and i was like are you doing a language? and iunno really casually he was like no and i was like okay coolies (but i didn't say that out loud iunno what my reaction was i can't remember--) but then he left and all was well??? i felt that light feeling again and i'm proud of myself for working the guts to ask him but it's such a silly thing to be proud of especially because it was really like... it... yeah. iunno mang asdfgh.

but ugh i'm having a kind of dilemma. basically on valentines day there's going to be a language study skills excursion for all the language and going isn't mandatory. the thing is, the whole reason for sending the flower was basically just to see his reaction - not really the aftermath because, reality check, he's probs just gonna guess it was me and that'll be it and it's just wishful thinking that he'll actually approach me. it's just to see his reaction because i want him to smile and god i'm so silly because i'm actually considering staying back.

i was asking my cousin what to do and she kind of laughed at me and stared me into the eyes and was like wow, you really like him. and i kind of pulled the info sheets for the excursion up to my face to cover it and was like 'no... i don't.,. like him...' but then i, here it comes, i started crying because jesus christ i might actually really like him or??? i don't know my feelings are very scary hah. but she was like, yes you do if you're considering staying back just to see his reaction.

i.. i don't know. it's just... god, i don't know.

11:09pm - 10/02/14.


so today...

after science which was my last period - he's in my class, i was walking with claire and we were kind of talking but i was distracted (i'M SORRY) because canoe guy was walking the way i was walking and i was just thinking that y'know, i could maybe catch up to him and talk to him--

but like, talk about what?

ugh. i want to talk to him regardless and i swear i just wish i could tell him how much i want to talk to him and how just for the sake of seeing him maybe smile at the flower on valentines day - i'm contemplating staying back just for him. god i'm screwed aren't i?

i reckon, maybe first if i'd ever have time to stand around with him there i'd ask him what subjects he chose maybe. because i remember my bball senpai kate asking me that when we were standing around waiting for our friends near the canteen once and that was like really smooth like it was after i answered it that i realised she was like... making conversation with me until after like dayum girl smooth that's a good technique ahaha, but yeah! if there were ever a chance.. i'd want to ask him that.

but today after science me and claire we walking, blah blah blah, and then she was like so are you going this way or your way? and i was like ah.. i'll go... my way and claire smiled at me i swear she was like 'i see what ur up to' or iunno maybe that's her normal face?? but she smiled and was like okay and we said our farewells and then i proceeded to walk in my usual direction which "coincidentally" was his direction and sdfghasdf, well, he stopped and that's when i realised he was waiting for his friend who was a girl and i was like hmm i see should i still say hello or??? or should i just not bother them?? and ugh that made me hesitate a lot

so i continued walking and they were ahead in the canteen area and i was like just reaching the stairs to go down to it and maybe it was just me but y'know i always seem to be looking at him/in his direction /cOUGHS but he looked back? and i kind of just avoided his eyes again but when i was walking still he just kept looking back and that made me so paranoid and god i don't even know but i was just like 'duDE why r u looking back!! at me or at the tree but why at me and why????' so maybe i'm just overreacting but i swear to god he just kept looking back and ugh.

i just

i wish i could fangirl to him about himself and then just z snap away from him and just never think about him again but I CAN'T WHICH SUCKS because i know i'd miss him and that's SO UGH OF ME BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM AND MISSING HIM IS STUPID AND UGH


i like seeing him around school

i like walking past where he usually hangs out so i can think to myself y'know maybe he notices

i like thinking about what it'd be like to get to know him


maybe he notices


/sigh. i'm such a fucking writer, haha. well, at least to me. like readers might be like lolol are u complimenting urself but seriously. i just.. i've said this so many times but my imagination is way too great for my own good.

but yeah. the two stopped around the corner and when i rounded it, his friend - let's call her noir - noir was with her other friend and he was straying off to the side a bit and then we kind of made eye contact and he shouldered his bag and made a move to walk and then i passed him and his voice was like behind me and i could hear him teasing noir about something but he was walking and i was walking and i think noir and her friend was walking as well and i exited the gate and kind of stopped after i turned left and then i turned back and he was walking down the steps and i said, really quickly and very briefly, 'see you!' and i added his name but i don't think he heard me because noir was talking to him and i was like OOPS and turned around and kind of did this thing with my hands that i recently found out i do - it's like a nervous habit - but with both hands in front of me, i kind of link them and stretch them and that's what i did as i was walking away and going 'jeSSE U IDIOT' but also 'ugh did u have to do that' and ugh.


silly me huh



so, during the way to and from melissa's school (did i mention melissa, she's my fab cousin/pretty much a sister but i'll never say that to her /lAUGHS FOREVER) i was talking to my mum about the excursion on friday aha and she pretty much knows everything and she was like

'well.. stay at school! fIGHT!!!'

and i was like

'omg mum'

and she was like

'well melissa don't u agree'

and melissa was like

'yeah lol, stay at school'

and i was like asdfghj

and i'm thinking about it. i was talking to my penpal the other day and she was like 'well, not going to the excursion.. you probably won't miss much because it's not mandatory anyways. i think it'd be okay if you allowed yourself his reaction'

and that was a good point.

and then my bestie katie was like 'i suggest you don't go to the study group because you did all this work, what's the point in running away now? just do whatever you're happy with'

and.. /sigh. there two are like the best people ever and this is their advice for me asdfgh.

okay, sure i'll stay-- but UGH if i stay i'm just gonna be at school and like everyone will be at the thing?? pretty much everyone will be going to the language thing-- i don't know /flops. i'll talk to ruby about it.

also i took a personality test today haha, i'm an INFJ - introverted, intuitive, feeling and judging.

here yo:

"The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions, especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons.

INFJ personalities are drawn towards helping those in need – they may rush to the place of a major disaster, participate in rescue efforts, do charity work etc. INFJs see this as their duty and their purpose in life – people with this personality type firmly believe that nothing else would help the world as much as getting rid of all the tyrants. Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs.

These tendencies are also strengthened by the fact that INFJ personalities have a unique combination of idealism and decisiveness – this means that their creativity and imagination can be directed towards a specific goal. Few other personality types have this trait and this is one of the most important reasons why many INFJs are able to eventually realize their dreams and make a lasting positive impact.

INFJs are masters of written communication, with a distinctively smooth and warm language. In addition, the sensitivity of INFJs allows them to connect to others quite easily. Their easy and pleasant communication can often mislead bystanders, who might think that the INFJ is actually an extrovert.

INFJs should be careful to avoid “overheating” as their zeal and determination can sometimes get out of hand. As introverts, INFJs need to have some “alone time” every once in a while or otherwise their internal energy reserves will get depleted really quickly. If this happens, the INFJ may surprise everybody around them by withdrawing from all their activities for a while – and since other people usually see INFJs as extroverts, this can leave them both surprised and concerned.

INFJs take great care of other people’s feelings and expect others to return the favor. Unsurprisingly, people with this personality type are very sensitive and vulnerable to conflicts – even the most rational INFJs may find it quite difficult to not take criticism personally. This is the INFJ’s Achilles’ heel – if someone with an INFJ personality cannot escape the conflict, they will do their best to deal with it head on, but this will result in a lot of stress and may also potentially lead to health problems or highly irrational behavior."

bUT ALSO the list of positive and negative features of an INFJ:

"INFJ strengths

Determined and passionate. INFJ personalities work very hard for causes they believe in. This passion can easily surprise people not used to seeing this side of the INFJ, but it is an inseparable part of their personality.
Altruistic. It is very rare to see an INFJ do something just for their personal benefit. People with this personality type tend to be very warm and altruistic, even though these traits may not be clearly visible.
Decisive. This is one of the most important strengths of any INFJ. Their imagination, combined with decisiveness, usually allows INFJs to achieve incredible things – not only they can come up with interesting and unusual ideas, they also have the willpower and planning skills necessary to implement those ideas.
Creative. INFJs possess a vivid imagination and rarely have any difficulties expressing it in one way or another. Most of their solutions revolve around people or ideals, as opposed to technical strategies – this strength makes INFJ personalities excellent counselors and advisors.
Inspiring and convincing. People with the INFJ personality type know their way with words and are known for their fluid, inspirational writing style. INFJs can also be convincing speakers, especially if they are talking about something they are very proud of or passionate about.
Very insightful. INFJs find it easy to decipher other people’s motives and are rarely affected by manipulation or sales tactics. They tend to know instantly whether someone is being honest. This strength shields their sensitive inner core, protecting the INFJ from disappointment.

INFJ weaknesses

Extremely private. INFJs may appear expressive and passionate, but they are actually very private individuals. People with this personality type often find it quite difficult to trust a new friend or open up, even to people who are closest to them.
Can burn out easily. That strength and passion that INFJ personalities are known for can exhaust them quickly if they are not careful. INFJs also tend to internalize most of their feelings – this trait is not necessarily a weakness, but it deprives them of the “exhaust valve”.
Very sensitive. INFJs are highly vulnerable to criticism and conflict situations, and can get hurt very easily. People with this personality type are also likely to react strongly to anything that challenges their inner principles and values.
Perfectionistic. INFJ personalities are inherently idealistic and do their best to achieve their ideals. This is a great trait, but it can quickly become a weakness if the same approach is applied in every area of life. For instance, INFJs may find it difficult to settle down in a romantic relationship, always looking for an ideal partner.
Always need to have a cause. INFJs may find it difficult to focus and force themselves to complete tasks which are not linked to one of their goals, e.g. some routine administrative work that must be carried out. People with this personality type always want to know that they are moving towards a worthy goal, and may feel disappointed and restless if this is not the case."

/whispers i like reading about what could be my good features BUT THAT LAST SENTENC EABOUT THE NEED TO HAVE A CAUSE




anyway it's here if anyone wants to take it:

but yeah. hehe.

5:54pm - 11/02/14.


it makes me so happy when i can help people, hehe.

"Anonymous: hey!! recently i noticed that maybe you're feeling a bit sad/upset/depressed? anything like that but i really hope you feel amazing some time soon! i'm sure your happy smile is beautiful, go dazzle people with it friend!! <3
THANK U SO MUCH FOR SENDING THIS! yeah i haven’t been feeling the best lately and it doesn’t help that i’m sick but i’m going to do my best to get through each day!
hehehe *dazzle dazzle* i’ll smile just for you anon. thank you. you are literally so wonderful and I hope you receive the most precious things in life ugh here have some cuddles from me <3"

people are really lovely. i just wish a lot of them could see that themselves.

(edit: hello tsunacchi-chi, yes that anon was me asdfg but i really hope you do feel better!!)

10:03pm - 11/02/14


so today!! at school, in the morning when i was waiting for our geography teacher to show up okay-

canoe guy was like walking past me and iunno if i smiled first or if he smiled first but he smiled at me and i also smiled and??


that little exchange made me happy but i

have kind of mixed feelings about it but i think i'm overthinking it because what did that mean did he smile out of politeness like that was definitely it right like oh man what if i smiled at him and he felt obliged to smile back but maybe he secretly felt awkward about it??


/breathes heavily. this is just because the flower thing is tomorrow i'm guessing but UGH. so yeah. i was talking to my wonderful src friend megan today (not the old, old megan from way back /CACKLES) but she informed me that the flower sending for the year tens would be moved to thursday which IS TOMORROW and well, yeah. i'm going to the thing on friday aha apparently it was compulsory all along /flops.

but yes.

i... i don't think anything will happen tomorrow except for him being happy and i'm unable to see his reaction which sucks because i don't have any classes with him but i plan to say hello to him?


how anticlimactic right /sob.

also presentation night was tonight. sang but i forgot lyrics and i gold-fished (mouthed the lyrics) most of it and too bad i'm short because i was in the front row and asdfgh.

11:26pm - 12/02/14.


okay so uh

hm, i dunno how to write this.

i'll... start from the start i guess then??

so uhm, i got a rose today!! from my sweetie friend kai but ye, the rose is beautiful hehe.


so most of the year tens got their flowers today.

uhm. most.

yeah. he didn't. /shot.

so me, being the silly, SILLY SILLY /ROARS FOREVER SILLY me, I just had that urge to talk to him and I was recently talking to a new buddy of mine, Anna and she sent this message to me and it went like 'if you don't take action nothing will change!' and i thought that was really cool because it's kind of true - don't take action = nil / waiting for someone else to take action.

but i'm very very silly, god, i don't even know where to start.

first of all i'm so ambitious, stupidly so.


anyway, it was in the morning when i found out he hadn't gotten the flower yet and that the src screwed up big time with some flowers because kai later told me during recess that there was supposed to be a message on the rose but there wasn't and it got me thinking, like, what if he doesn't get the message?

sure, cool, i got him a flower.

it'd be great if i could see his reaction but the thing is i wouldn't be able to because of the excursion on friday//tomorrow.

so okay, i got him a flower - not so cool anymore.

because i'm very selfish and it's not enough just seeing him smile - i want him to smile because of me. y'feel me? ...seeing him smile is good too though.

but yes, i'm an odd person and my way of thinking is kind of twisted, i've been told by my cousin melissa aha.

so guess what i did? /laughs exasperatedly. during history i was thinking about this and then it was at lunch when there was a year meeting about bush school (which i'm pretty excited about because my BOOB CUP SWIMMERS THEY ARE FAB) and after that right, i was kind of loitering outside with my friends when i met canoe guy's eyes again and he smiled and i smiled and then he walked away with his friends and i almost went after him because i just... wanted to talk to him but i didn't know what to say.

and because i didn't know what to say, i did what i do best.

turn to writing.

i wrote him a fucking note.


you'd think... after the whole card thing with ladybug guy, and mind you, i swear he's still avoiding me like the plague like WOOPS LOL, but yeah. you'd really think i'd learn by now that whenever i write things to guys theY ALWAYS END UP BADLY. /SOB

i hope one day i can write something to a guy and it won't? but then again i don't really know if what i wrote did end up badly or not but i can't really tell because it's v.  early aha but still.

so basically i wrote a note during lunch.


the note went something along the lines of (ohhh my god i'm thinking about it and cringing because why do i do this to myself): 'um, happy valentines day!! ///blahblah/// so obviously you didn't get a flower today but you'll get one tomorrow saying something lame about your smile or whatever (i can't remember what i wrote exactly?????) let's have fun at bush school?? -from a person you should totes talk to sometime /cackles'

and OMFG




well now that that feeling is a bit less intense now although it pops up every time i think about it--


so i went down to where he sat and found out he'd gone to waterpolo already and NO i didn't... look... at all the sport sign up sheets.. i just.. was curious about other people... but....

ugh i'm so creepy

but yeah

he wasn't there

and i was talking to ruby because i'm sorry but i dragged her along like i always do and i'm pretty sure i made her go along with my plan so that we'd walk down to the canteen but she had to be the lookout and I'm SO SORRY MY DARLING TOMODACHI ;; but you're amazing so thank you

but /coughs anyway, she told me that maybe i could 'intercept' him after sports


but yeah swimming was interesting and tasted horribly salty and i didn't wear my boob cup swimsuit because it was too fab (honestly i felt i'd rather get my old one dirty instead but yes)

and well after that we came to school 15 minutes before the bell so me and claire went to the canteen so i could simply wait for him god i'm dragging my friends into everything i'm sorry but we met jamilla there and we talked for a bit when i saw canoe guy in the distance with his friends (including that math buddy but definitely not buddy dude, i'm sure i mentioned him in my blog somewhere -- the dude who was like 'getting in with the asian chick awwwhhh yeee' y'know? i guess we can call him fish.

so basically i was just talking to jam and claire and stuff and when i saw him i suddenly got this huge urge to /do something/ and i began getting impatient and i was getting really distracted especially when canoe guy walked past and smiled at me and i smiled timidly back like smiles everywhere but uhm

i was thinking that okay, he's with his friends: if he goes to his bus now then maybe i shouldn't give him the note

but he didn't go to his bus

he went to the canteen and his friends lined up and he stood to the side and


have i mentioned how embarrassing i am i should really just resign from high school and become a potato farmer

but honestly, i broke off from my friend's conversations and i'm sorry my dear jamilla i'm so sorry because you were probs talking about something great and i

oh god

but i went up to him and had the note in my hand, i think (it's a blur to me)

and ohhhhhhhhhhmyyyyyyyfricking

i said hello and he said hello and i think he asked what was up

and well



he started to snicker
so i looked to the side, and beside him was canoe guy's other friends and they were all kind of smirking at me

and i was like jfc okay

so i gave the note to canoe guy

and he took it and i think he was like what's this?


i'm sorry for swearing



his snickering got louder and i was like.. 'they're creepy!'

and canoe guy laughed and was like, yeah, they are

and then his friends laughed

and then i kind of... i don't remember if i said keep the note to yourself or not but?? i kind of nodded at him and ran back to my friends where they kind of struck another conversation and then i began talking along with them, talking out my nerves kind of thing, when my friends ariana and cinekha and taelah walked by and i was like oh hey!! and i kind of talked to them for a bit and taelah suddenly called me cute?? so i laughed and was like ahaha thank you but wow taelah calls me cute but she's adorable!! but anyway

i kind of looked to canoe guy's direction and i saw that he was looking at me and i don't know if he read the note or not but after the trio left i got really flustered and i kind of dragged claire with me away from the area because sdfgh and i was on the steps when i looked back and i saw that one of canoe guy's friends had taken the paper and was grinning and unravelling it and then i escaped


so yeah.

they probably all read the note and canoe guy is probably really embarrassed and oh god i was freaking out so much and i kind of just had this huge period of freaking out to claire and i was so out of it that she couldn't really help me but the feeling was fresh so it wasn't her fault

but after school right i came to the car, got in, and we had to go to my aunty's place for an hour because we had to pick up my cousin at around 4 because of extended classes and year 11 and so i kind of just sat outside of her apartment and began texting katie and i was kind of just freaking out to her and at first she was like 'whyyy jesse whyyy did you write him a note' and I WAS LIKE KATIE U ARE DEFINITELY NOT HELPING and we began talking about other stuff and then she was like 'okay, you know what, i'm not shitting you, it'll be okay' - and her reasons for that was because canoe guy seemed like a genuinely nice dude and even if everything did go downhill, she told me i shouldn't be embarrassed and that i should be proud.

so yeah. her words really calmed me down and i got home later that day and talked to claire the mother hen again and she told me basically the exact same thing; that canoe guy seemed like a nice dude and probably wouldn't let his friends read it but even if he did well

god, i don't know.

i just???

and then later later that day, i was texting katie again and she told me this after i told her that she had nothing to worry about (she was saying how she worried about saying something stupid to her own senpai) and that she should think of my terrible failures and she should be fine:

'I don't think you fail xD I think you manage to make a boring situation interesting. You don't say material things or the like, you do the stuff everybody least expects and I think that's wonderful.'

and i swear she knows like exactly what to say to make me feel better and i told her that and she was like wow what a stroke to the ego and said something about herself being fabulous and yeah


well i don't know how this will turn out. i really don't, aha.

i just hope that he'll still smile at me when he sees me and y'know.... i still just want to get to know him and become his friend, lol.

i don't know. hah. this really does remind me of the card incident.


i just have to be the way i always am, i'm guessing.

well anyway, on another topic, i've been talking to a lot of people this month/year!!

i had a drama thing in acting class before, a presentation of sorts, and the presentation i did with my group was really fun and we actually did quite well - i was this suave french dude and one of my lines was 'hon hon, baguette' and after the presentation was finished the teacher was like so what did we like about this presentation? and one girl was like 'i liked jesse's line, hon hon baguette' and it made me feel a bit proud haha.

but also today this girl, let's call her lenalee, she was walking by the way i do and i was kind of still in that freak out stage and i was freaking out to my friend s'nay, and well lenalee came by and s'nay commented on her flowers and how she was v. popular so i kinda joined in and was like 'haha, wink wink' and we kind of talked for a bit and then she went on and then she stopped and called out to us if we were going to the language excursion and we said yes and she said she wasn't and stuff but yeah. note: she's the girl who sat next to canoe guy last year in maths and aha i'm.. yeah but she's a really nice person and i'd like to get to know her more!!


goodnight friends. tomorrow's the language excursion and i said i wouldn't update til after bush school but this really might be the last update until after bush school haha. there's also a hunger game theme game we're doing at bush school but i might tell you more about that when i know more about it, aha.

this is entry 18, have a beautiful day any readers of mine! remember to sit up straight.

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