Friday, 21 February 2014

entry 19




i don't think i can explain in words how happy i feel, aha. i'm so sad it's over but i'm very amazed at what's happened but still i'm really sad. i'm... well, on monday, will everything go back to how it was? all the cliques, all the: 'you talk to this person, you do this, you do that', kind of thing? or well, i guess not but like... there just won't be as many opportunities to talk to new people as there was at bush school is what i'm trying to say. i feel like i became close to my friends and that i made new friends and god, i'm so happy.

so, somewhere along the lines of this i'd been saying hello to canoe guy but i don't really remember which days they were but waving to him and seeing him wave back is asdfgh /hides away.

but anyway...

i'll start with monday.

uhm, i can't remember what happened much on monday but the fact that i was really glad when we stopped for lunch at kfc/mcdonalds and canoe guy came in with his friends and his friends called out my name and then canoe guy smiled at me and waved and said hi for once and that was really awesome and very relieving because i was panicking about what'd happen if he wouldn't want to meet my eyes anymore but he did. i'm so happy about that but bush school has put me into this overall sUPER happy mood and god, i'm so sad it's over but i'm so happy i can write this because i never want to forget it.

on monday... dinner was steak/sausage sandwiches i think and i had to prepare with my friends because i was in group 1 - 5, i think i was like... 2? but anyway, that day i started talking to some really cool people like jordan i think who was cutting lettuce and i cut lettuce with her and that was cool like, those little things are ASDFHGJKL i can't even-- but anyway, we started to prepare capsicum and jordan didn't know how to cut them so i just did something i'd seen my bro do which is cutting the capsicum in half and ripping out the seeds at the top - and jordan followed and said something akin to 'i'll do what jesse's doing because she seems to know what she's doing' hehehe and that was cool!! and oh yeah, colleen was also preparing stuff and we started making noises at each other ('mep', for reference's sake) and before this camp we were still kind of in that awkward 'we are friends yis' stage but now it's like 'ye!! friend!!' and i'm really happy about that too, hehe. my god, i'm just so happy. also, my friend rebecca has tHE CUTEST LAUGH WHEN YOU TICKLE HER.

we also had to serve the dinner and i was with the lettuce and let me tell you it was horrible, i'd never make money serving lettuce so future me, don't do ANYTHING to do with lettuce in the future. i also talked to ladybug guy for the first time in ages then and that was when i was serving him lettuce and i served him so much and i felt so bad and i was like profusely saying sorry and he was like laughing and going like don't worry but yeah.

but basically, monday was just spent on settling in and such and that day we also walked down to the beach and that was beautiful because it was at night and the stars, god, they were just amazing and i had high definition view because of my glasses and ahhhh stars are amazing. that night, i think we also got our hunger games themed game going - basically, you got a slip of paper with your name and your person's name and basically you had to kill that person, and to do that you had to go up to them at least 2 metres away from anyone else - out of earshot - and say 'you're out of the game to them' and the last two people would win. apparently the earlier year's game lasted 18 months and our one is still going but i'm pretty sure it'll end really soon.

anyway,  i was walking around with ruby moments before going to the beach when soul and his buddies came up to me and soul was like 'i need to talk to you' but then his friends were like lol stop trying to trick people and it wasn't much but it was like eh, hey at least i'm talked to right? iunno but soon after me and ruby were walking through the washing up area when frICKING FISH sorry i guess he's not that bad?? but fish and his friend.... jack of spades? dude well let's call him card then- fish and card came up to me and were like 'jesse we need to talk to you alone, it's about //canoe guy//' and i was like 'HAHAHAHAHA NOPE NO WAY SORRY DUDES' so i just pretty much speed walked out of there with ruby and then moments after i was freaking out but ruby reassured me they were probs trying to trick me into being alone so they could kill me (which does not make sense now because i know who killed me and that was my friend, let's called her delight hehe, but yes) but all in all, they were probably trying to screw with me, so yes.

at the beach soul came up to me again to preach about allah and idek, but hey, it's worth mentioning because it was pretty amusing.

at supper though, i was lining up for milo like everyone else and i was in front of fish and card and i HEARD THEM UGH I HEARD THEM GO 'oh it's jesse, where's //canoe guy//' and holy shit okay, seriously if they do something to screw with me again i'm probs gonna use my martial arts skills yo. but seriously... /shakes head.


AND THIS WAS THE DAY okay, so we were walking to the beach for the first time (no swimming, just walking around and me and my friends went to the rock pool and that was cool) and i was like kind of behind canoe guy and he was carrying some stuff for the teacher - two bags - and they looked pretty heavy so i kind of was deciding whether or not to help him when i was like why not?? so i went up to him and was like do you need help?' and he was like 'oh, sure, okay' and he gave me one and he was like 'ohh that's the heavy one though, do you want me to give you the lighter one?' and i was like 'haha, no i'm fine' and  that's when he kind of looked down and then back at me and told me he got the flower and he said thank you and i was really caught offguard then so i kind of answered like: 'oh... i see.. that's... good...' and he smiled and oh god, he's beautiful, but i kind of just... got flustered and we didn't talk any more because we had to put down the stuff and then he went up to his friends and stuff and ye. but, uhm /coughs that was pretty awesome. i just really want to talk to him more and i'm stupid because recently i've just been overthinking so much and comparing myself to other people. but i'll try. i have to promise myself that, coz i'm not the type to give up, that's what my friend katie would say hah, but yeah, i've been contemplating it but it's stupid but i guess i'm just unsure. but that's everyone, supposedly. everytime i get into that 'that's i'm giving up on u because u suck' state, he always does something even if it's just smiling at me that just... god.

so, tuesday.

hm... what happened on tuesday--?

looking back on my texts with katie i don't think much happened. except going to the beach for the second time - we seriously went like every day and now i am a tanned potatino - OH, yes and this was the day my friend delight lost her sunglasses and asked me to come with her to find them and kILLED ME. /nods. yes. i was pretty like... i think my reaction her saying 'you're out of the game' was like... *silence* heart... you broke it...

yeah. it was pretty funny though aha, though i would've liked to stay in the game longer but hey, oh well. the prizes for winning was two mockingjay pins but i don't think i'd make use of it that much, so yeah.



okay, so before going to the beach for the first time, we were split up into groups to do this booklet of health to get our health certificate i think, and it was learning from other students who'd already done some first aid and we were split up into groups according to our last name which was okay because ariana and sophia were in my group.

the first group was pretty interesting - we were learning about cuts and burns i think and then we moved onto the second group which was about allergies and asthma and stuff like that and that was the first interaction i had with this girl called aurora where basically we had to pretend we had a bad peanut reaction and she was like 'i vote jesse does it' and i was like 'nah i vote aurora does it' and aurora was like 'darn my plan backfired' and we kind of smiled at each other and that was pretty cool hehe. and then we moved onto jamilla and claire's group which was about stings and bites from poisonous things and that was like the only group i actually learned things from because they explained it well. aaand then we moved onto cpr, which was ladybug guy's group, leading the thing (i kind of wanted to go to canoe guy's group because i think he was also teaching it but it was about rotations not choice so uhm, god i'm weird).

one thing with the cpr lesson was that after ladybug guy taught it and okay i'm just going to call him will now because it's not as if anyone from my school except my friends will actually read this, but basically after will demonstrated and told us everything about the cpr thing along with the other group leaders, he asked for volunteers and no one volunteered and he was like well i'm going to have to ask people to come up and he was looking at me and i was like oh dear lord no you don't and he opened his mouth but luckily his other friends had chosen other people and he was like oh okay but then after they went down the process kind of repeated and he looked at me and i looked at him and he grinned and was like jesse!! come up! and i was like ugghhggh but yeah, i did it anyway. anyway i thought that was pretty cool because it was kind of like... the christmas card incident is kind of over maybe? if you're reading and you don't know, you'll see later on thursday.

this night we also went to the beach and that was just spent stargazing pretty much and running on the beach. at supper, that day was the day i became really unsure and very hesitant of pretty much everything and i look back on it and i feel kind of sorry for myself but basically i'm not sure if i mentioned her-- oh wait, yes i did and i called her lenalee.

so... lenalee. she's amazingly nice and i really want to get to know her better but uh /coughs... i.. she might like canoe guy? she has a better chance than me, anyway, seeing as she is friends with him because she sat next to him in maths last year and well that night at supper i kind of just saw a little thing which was her asking him to fill her cup for her and he teased her and was like nope sorry go get your own and i began thinking how nice it'd be if i were in her shoes but that's just me comparing myself to other people again and i just have a tendency to do things like that and it really sucks /rolls around.

i'm so silly.

i'm really not sure what happened on tuesday but uh.. somewhere we might've had like a talk with some uni students (J-wow, if i mention him later which i highly doubt i will is an inside joke about a cute uni dude and then it kind of... spiralled into madness but yeah, just... J-wow) about courses and stuff and it was pretty interesting but otherwise very boring because they didn't talk about any interests of mine which were things to do with writing/languages.

we had to do a swimming test on tuesday and it was horrible but i made it and we got to swim for three hours and right now i'm sitting at the computer with swollen-ish eyes because of all the salt they had to endure for the last few days.

so, onto wednesday.

there was the peer support discussions today and also the mini trip to the HMAS naval base. it rained on this day after we came back from creswell and the rain was awesome.

there were two trips to the naval base and i went to the second even though i kind of... really wanted to go on the first because, well, guess.

oh, and that reminds me that one thing i got really UGH about was the fact that i kept thinking about canoe guy and i just hated it because there were so many other things going on but i'm sure i'll do another blog entry with a comeback to me hating thinking about one thing so much because on the bus today (friday) me and ruby were writing to each other while sitting next to each other about it and she better bring it on monday.

the peer support discussion thingy was pretty good because the topic i got was the 'importance of friendship groups'. our year advisor came up to our group because we were the ones who were leading that particular topic and asked us if we remembered this one talk she did in year seven talking about friendship groups becoming prisons and we said we didn't and she explained to us how friendship groups basically could become prisons in a way that they hold people to it and that these prisons are known as cliques. the cliques restrain you from talking to people in 'lower' cliques and that's how their prisons. there's also the fact that there are standards for you to meet and such are friendship groups, but not all of them. just... quite a lot.

after the naval base, which was kinda cool because they told us all about the navy and joining it and damn it looks really cool but obviously i won't be joining any time soon, but it just kind of reminds me of mass effect and mass effect is a whole 'nother story of mine but basically mass effect is a game and commander shepard is badass -- okay well, after the naval base we were sent back to the campsite and not much happened except for lunch and stuff and then it started to rain.

but before it started to rain i remember walking with mother-hen claire and at this point i was kind of... i was frantic about lenalee and canoe guy. we were talking about how easy it'd be if 'things were different' and sure it's wishful thinking but the point is, is that it would honestly really be easier if things really were different and yeah. it kind of sucks. but anyway i was told not to compare myself to lenalee and... yeah. i guess you could say i'm trying. things like 'where do i stand?' and 'what's going to happen now?' come to my mind but it's okay because i just have to try because i'm a silly butt.

we went to the beach soon after and i don't think i swam that day, but instead i sat down with jamilla and claire and i did a thing.. the thing about me is that i /like/ keeping things to myself for my own sake and because of that i usually go my own way and try not to hurt people but jamilla got hurt because i was keeping it to myself and well

i never want to tell anyone who canoe guy is again because i feel insecure about many things and i overthink anyway so...

i know jamilla would never tell anyone -- and i have to put faith in her because she's my senpai and she's beautiful

i kind of maybe.. .feel a bit unsure about telling her but i don't because she hugged me later and said she was sincerely thankful i told her but to be thankful is one thing and i'm just really hesitant about this and if claire you're reading this, then know that it was my choice entirely so don't feel bad or anything like that.

/sigh. what's done is done i guess, i just have to put faith into jamilla.

now that i found out i'm actually a really private person about certain things like this i don't think i'll be telling anyone anything else any time soon but hey, you learn things every day y'know?

after this... there was trivia night!

trivia night was really fun but there isn't much to say about it, but that our team name was team wildcats and at first we were second last and then suddenly at the end we were fourth out of ten teams and that was so surprising, one of the people in my group taelah said we bop bop bopped to the top and it was a hilarious time.

aaand then there's thursday.

huskisson, the geography assignment, that little interaction with canoe guy that made me decide finally to just stop worrying, the dolphin watch cruise, marriage, a near-drowning experience, playing soccer, ladybug guy, talent night, becoming 'the next beyonce', having this guy hamish of all people compliment the act i did with ruby, hazza, jamilla, claire and zara, the little lightshow, hugs, feeling sad because it was the technical last day of camp...

for one, i feel like i've grown so much compared to last year and i feel as if i've actually... opened up to my year a little bit more and that makes me so happy.


the morning was spent finally cleaning out the tent due to harriet's orders because apparently there was this dead ant smell ruby and haz could smell but i have no idea what dead ants or ants smell like anyway, but eh, it was actually kind of fun cleaning hehe. my tent group was wonderful by the way!! it was ellie/haz/ruby and myself.

i'm eating pork and lettuce and brown rice and sesame seeds right now and it's nice and i'm so happy i'm back home too because therE IS FOOD EVERYWHERE!!! and also cereal god i love cereal.

anyway, the ride to huskisson was fun because we played i spy if that's how you spell it but also when we arrived we met up with everyone else and long story short, i kissed bri's head because she was complaining about how my other friends were doing it and i wanted to join in just to tease her and i did and it was pretty funny, hehe.

we walked to the dolphin cruise boat area and got the front of the boat to sit on-- we saw dolphins and they were amazing and they swam like right underneath the boat and ahhh dolphins!!! it was really cool and the ocean was so beautiful. from where i sat it kind of looked like a christmas tree because all the sunlight glittered off in all directions and if you kind of looked at it altogether, you could see the lights flickering as if it were christmas lights decorating a christmas tree and doing those random little patterns and it was beautiful.

the geography assignment we got seemed like a lot at first because it was this medium-thick green booklet but it really wasn't a lot and it was actually kind of easy but maybe that's because for maybe a little below half, i copied other people's answers but shh.

three quarters to the way back i ventured around the boat and met up with ariana and colleen and taelah and eren and a bunch of others and they started talking about how i was really cute and could be a tv show character or something and the tv show would be popular but uh

yeah that was interesting. you'll see why i'm mentioning this though coz taelah comes into play later and i'm really happy we're pretty good friends now because i never thought i would be, so it's really cool and i'm amazed and proud! :D

we got back to shore and the wind in my face was really cold so i was glad to be back on normal ground and the sun was nice. did i mention it was a beautiful day?

we came back and decided to go get lunch right away, as did pretty much everyone and we walked around for a bit until we found a fish and chips shop and i got chips and potato scallops with ellie and it was hUGE like the box was larger than an a4 sheet of paper and there were so many chips it didn't even look half finished when we chucked it out because no one could eat any more and no one wanted it anyway. but all throughout that when we were eating and doing our booklet, canoe guy was sitting behind us with his friends and it sucks because yes i was jealous of his friends that were girls sitting with him and talking so easily and then because of that jealousy i started thinking about how ugh i was for thinking about something like that when there were so many other good things to think about but---



well i kind of was thinking about a way to end it once and for all and me being me was just thinking up of some bizarre plan (...let's not get too into detail about it but i figured i wouldn't exit without telling him everything lol but seriously i don't even know) but then later on after we'd kinda finished the booklet we decided to get ice cream and i was walking away when brianna the cookie called me over and gave me a booklet to give to this guy and i'm pretty sure she planned everything because on the booklet was the names of who was in his group and obviously canoe guy was in his group.

so i saw that they were in the distance and i was walking with my friends and we were reaching them when canoe guy glanced at me and i kind of strayed from my friends because i had to and this time he looked at me and i kind of... just walked up to him and held out the booklet and he leant down to get a better look at it and then i was like oh.. wait.. so i turned to the guy who owned the booklet and i was like you left this over there and pointed to where brianna was sitting and he was like oh.. and then i kind of nodded to the dude and out of the corner of my eye i saw canoe guy fiddling with his drink bottle which was hella cute and i swerved around the booklet dude and started walking but then god, canoe guy called out a 'thank you!' and i looked back and smiled at him and he smiled back



just.. it's those little things that keep on going like 'kEEP DOIN WHAT UR DOIN GIRLY beCAUSE DOKIDOKI /WINK WONK' and jESUS CHRIST.

i'm so done but i'm really not as well, y'know?

so then we got ice cream and we also talked to random people and they asked us what school we were from and i wished them a good day and god i love doing that because people smile at you and smiles are still the number one thing on my love list or whatever but seriously, the best thing ever.

we met up with taelah and the gang later on while we were waiting for the mini buses to arrive to take us back to the campsite finally when ariana started throwing a bottle and it bounced and landed near me and then it evolved into this three-way game between me, ariana and taelah just bouncing the bottle around and thus the bottle olympics was formed or well, i think we named it something spiffier but i can't really remember but that was pretty fun.

when we got back to the campsite, we finished off our booklets and taelah asked me to marry her and well i'm married now.

our weddings in a few months/weeks or sometime around there i'll be sure to write about it (/cackles).

so we went to the beach after that and there was this whole thing with jamilla and claire and essentially what happened was we went out too far and seeing as how i'm horrible at swimming i was clinging onto claire for support and that was when she started struggling and because of that i was like OH CRAP and i detached myself but as i was floating waves just kept on crashing and they were so huge at the time that i kind of just kept dying so i clung and un-clung to claire and then JAMILLA








but finally

we drifted into a shallower bit but we were still dying a bit when claire's senpai came up to us and i'm pretty sure he was like 'do you guys need help'

and by then i was just so done with jamilla and was like yE /drowns/ S???

but they both then just kind of floated there and finally i attached myself to jamilla and i was saved, pretty much.

a good thing that came out of that experience was that jamilla came up with a board to us and we were like what where'd you get that and apparently claire's senpai gave it to us so that we wouldn't drown (claire u go girl nice catch) but seriously, that was such a nice gesture!! people are so great ahhh.

but then the water got really cold

so i got out

and met up with taelah and my other friend s'nay on the beach and then taelah started going on about this dude in our year and dear lord that was the funniest and scariest and i don't even have words to describe it but...

yeah i...


but the events basically went like this: talking talking talking, other friends appearing, taelah giving me a piggy back, playing in the sand with cinekha, complimenting eren's name in japanese and then kicking a ball with sophia + david and matt.

so sophia came up to me with a ball and for a while she kept bouncing it and i kept missing it trying to kick it and my attempts were miserable but then david!!! david was there and he was like keep trying jesse and i was like really fired up and i wanted to continue but i think sophia got bored because then somehow we just settled into kicking the ball to each other in a square and matt's a cool dude and then we just kept kicking it and it was awesome because wow hello there nice people i quite enjoy the socialising going on here but aNYWAY sorry that's a bit odd

but basically after a long while of kicking the ball to each other, we were called to go back up to the campsite but before that, david took the ball from sophia and came up to me and he was like, okay jesse, you have to get this at least once and THAT WAS THE NICEST THING EVER AND I WAS LIKE /NODNOD OKAY YES PLEASE SURE!! and it was so cool

i missed it the first time so i asked for tips and sophia said that i should wait until it bounces once and then kick it and so i did that




and then me and zara had to carry a board that someone left behind and because of that i forgot my hoodie which bri slapped my butt with later on and then i was like oh well thank you for my hoodie i was kinda panicking there and she was like don't thank me, tom was carrying it so i turned to thomas and thanked him and he smiled and said no problem


i don't think i'll ever get over how amazing people are

but yeah


not much happened until dinner and dinner was curry and noodles and stir fry and it was beautiful -- all the food throughout the camp was beautiful -- when i was putting my plate in the bin, the bin was near a table where taelah and ariana and colleen and will and my other friends were sitting, taelah called out and was like mY WAIFU

and some people might not get this

but the thing is it was probably weird for will because of the fact that taelah had seen like... my 'not-shy' me whereas with will it was that 'polite-shy' me, y'know? two different sides, but regardless of that, i rounded the table and gave taelah a hug and was like 'wAIFU' back to her and we laughed and then taelah said something about us being married and i pulled away and when i did will kind of pulled back from the table and looked at me and was like

'jesse... can i have a hug...?'

and i was kind of surprised so i just replied with an oh, uhm, sure?

so i went up to him and because he was sitting down and i was standing he just slid his arms around my waist and hugged me and was like 'i never got to thank you for that christmas card but it was like the nicest thing i've ever recieved' or he might've said 'nicest thing ever' or something, but yeah and i was really surprised so for a short while i was like ...OH uh well HAHA i thought i made things awkward so UHM and yeah, i started rambling 











i'm really glad that burden is lifted. everything still kind of feels surreal as if it hasn't happened and i'm scared of everything rewinding...? but i know this is real so yeah it's pretty silly

so later that night was the talent show

and my friends and i were singing royals by lorde. the talent show area was set up really informally - everyone was just sitting on a bunch of tarps connected to each other and the teachers held up torch/spotlight things but it was just a really nice atmosphere and whoever wanted to do something would put their hands up and up they went.

so at first, we didn't volunteer and i was sitting with zara, claire and ruby and me and ruby both agreed that hopefully harriet or jam or anyone we weren't sitting with wouldn't put their hands up because we were kind of seperated, but it wasn't until the final-ish act -- second last -- that harriet put her hand up and we all went up albeit nervously

we honestly had not rehearsed it with everyone so a lot of it was improv but then again we had practiced it for busking and people then had said it was a really good song that we did and those people were strangers, so yeah

we went up and all the while i wondered what canoe guy was thinking

but as we went up i just heard taelah and maybe some other people call out 'JESSE'

and omg taelah though

but anyway it was really adorable and i felt really loved for some reason, hehe.

it was a nice feeling though, to be recognized.

i think i even heard kelly, this girl i don't know very well go 'go jesse' and that was pretty amazing. i really love my year.

but onwards with the story, uhm, we started singing and it was going well until the last verse where no one was singing so i took the lead and sang the wrong lyrics and then jamilla was like HEY and then we all stopped and i was like oh crap i don't know the lyrics and then everyone started laughing and cheering and clapping and ruby next to me was like 'that's a good ending' so we all bowed and everyone was cheering and it was the best feeling ever, topping the kicking of the ball but seriously... it felt so... nice.

as if i was getting closer to the year as a whole and i wasn't just some little asian girl who never talked.

so we sat back down and the teacher behind us said we did a great job and random people came up to us and said we did good and i don't want to brag but people came up to me and said i was really good and i don't think i've ever felt so proud and happy for myself and of myself and that's... god, i can't even put everything into words but yeah.

as we were sitting down, zara told me that i did good because now everyone in the year would know that i could sing and i can't remember what she said exactly but it was nice of her and zara's so beautiful /sob everyone's just so wonderful i can't even... wow.

after getting dismissed but having 50 minutes of hanging out time according to the teachers, sophia came up to me and hugged me and spun me around and said i did good and joy hugged me too or maybe i should call joy delight but eh it's 12:26 and i'm actually really tired and not bothered to change it

but then random people just came up to me or passed me by and said i did really well

and then taelah jfc she called out my name like really loudly and then i saw her in the distance and sHE TRIPPED AND I WAS LIKE dude are you okay?!?! and she was like yes my wife and then she hugged me and also spun me and was like I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD SING but it was amazing to see people's reactions and it was so funny, taelah's one but it was also really great because it was like she felt proud of me too and that was really awesome.

then jade passed me by as well and told me that i was the next beyonce and she told me that one of the dudes joel said something like that along the lines of 'be my beyonce' or something?? but yes apparently i am the 'next beyonce' and that was pretty funny but GAH EVERYONE'S SO NICE ASDFGHJ it was really the best feeling and it still is.

then i was standing with my friends when soul was like hey jesse and i was like oh, um, yeah? and he was like you sang really well, you're seriously like beyonce and i was like LOL what and then kelly interrupted and said i did really well as well and i said thanks to kelly and by then soul had already turned back to his friends and i was like wait i better say thank you so i called out his name and he turned around and i was like thank you! and he smiled and smiles are so amazing like holy crap man but smiles and he smiled and he said no problem and man that was pretty damn cool, just saiyan



jamilla came up to me earlier right and was like jESSE YOU DID IT

and i was like haha did what

and okay so apparently this guy hamish was pulled out of the crowd because he said something and this is hamish - he's kind of a renowned 'jerk' kind of dude but i can't really say because i've never spoken to him before but i heard he was also nice so i'm pretty unbiased towards him, but anyway jamilla said when the teacher pulled him out of the crowd she thought he'd said something mean and was like uh oh and i was like, but wait so what'd he say

and then jamilla grinned and was like

he said that our act was the only one he actually enjoyed throughout the whole night

and when i heard that i was literally speechless

because that is a very huge compliment coming from hamish and compared to the other acts which were really good

and then hamish himself

came up to me and the others moments later to tell us he got told off because he said the above and i was like ohh wow 

but oh my god that is just

the best


bush school is literally the most amazing thing i've experienced and the most happy i've felt since, iunno, but god all of it was so wonderful and fabulous and fantastic.

i guess one thing i only really am kind of wistful about is the fact canoe guy didn't say anything to me and i don't know what i was supposed to be expecting but i just really wanted him to say something to me i guess? i'm sorry if i am bragging but i feel pretty proud at the moment.

but still, i just wanted to talk to canoe guy and i still do want to say something like 'i hope the flower didn't embarrass you too much' and ask about the note and everything else and what subject he's taking

because today i came to the conclusion that i've been overthinking so much and my overthinking results in my putting up these kind of walls that block myself out and it's like what katie said that my pessimism might make me miss an opportunity so i just have to keep being optimistic, y'know? if i get hurt i get hurt but i won't know anything if i don't try.

but yeah.

bush school is now over and it is friday or well, saturday since it's 12am.

i'm so sad bush school is over. joy was too and we were talking about it on thursday night and dylan came over and i think he was trying to cheer her up and then joy hugged him and it was really cute but then dylan was talking to me for a bit and i think he said something sassy to which i replied with well do you want a hug? so i opened my arms and he was like fiiiine and hugged me and yeah.

i just hope joy's okay.

joy was sad because this was kind of maybe the last ish time we'd all be together and it was such a nice atmosphere all around. and maybe she's sad because of other things as well.

but mostly i was sad because i felt as if bush school made everyone equal. or at least, it mixed everyone together and gave me opportunities to talk to people i hadn't talked to before and that was very very true because i did talk to lots of people i didn't know and that was so cool.

i feel like if we return to school, everything that happened with kind of equal nothing because school is the definition of set places and cliques and i'm wondering if things will return to 'normal' because i really don't want it to.

me and claire were talking about this before and we both decided we'd try our best not to let it return to normal. 

waking up to the sound of the guys talking and random screams and just the overall sound of camping was really quite comforting and sometimes i heard canoe guy's voice or at least voices that sounded like his and the fact that he was here made me happy, no matter how silly/small, but yeah.

at the end of today, friday, i said goodbye to people leaving, like harry and andrew m and bryn and eren and for some reason those goodbyes meant a lot to me because i was still grasping onto the last shred of 'bush school' and 'opportunities' and i'm still hoping but i know i'll be so determined to not let things slide back into 'normal' and i'll keep on trying because that's what makes me really happy.

i'm really happy.

i'm going to try my best.

i said that some time ago didn't i? and look where i am now so i know i've made progress and i'm so proud of myself for that.

i'm going to talk to canoe guy on monday. if i can. but i hope i will be able to. i shouldn't be scared because fear is a very stupid thing.

so readers, i hope you're as happy as i am right now. reminder to sit up straight and also i found this quote on tumblr:

''Discover why you're important, then refuse to settle for anyone who doesn't completely agree."

goodnight. this is entry 20.

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