entry 16

so fIRST OF ALL

I STARTED MARTIAL ARTS. well, kind of. /sigh. i went to a free trial class to this awesome place today and it was so fun! i went with ruby and we learned basic stances - and also punches: the high middle and low punch, a jab and cross punch, and high kicks and turning kicks. i feel very happy right now aha. i get kinda confused with the stances and what hands to use though, hehe. we also learnt about the three important spots that the high middle and low punch kind of targeted:

the high punch targeted the nose - basically, it's painful and can blind because when your nose gets hit or slammed, your eyes tend to water and you close them because it's that painful.

the middle punch targets the solar plexus where your diaphragm is located and it can basically wind you and throw you offbalance/surprise you

the low punch targets three fingers below your stomach and it's believed by some cultures that that's where your heart used to be - it's the centre for ki/chi/qi. but it's also where your bladder is - there are two things a hit can do: make your attacker wet themselves, or, if you hit hard enough make their bladder explode and that'll kill.

interesting.

currently in a fight with my mum. i tried to tell her about what happened and stuff in the car but she didn't really listen to me and she was just frowning the whole time. then i tried to tell her just before but she barely listened to me again and told me to take out the trash.

i feel a little sad because i'm just excited, is all.

and then second of all.

uhhh, things happened with canoe guy and stuff. well not... particularly with canoe guy? just... relating to canoe guy, i guess.

i was uhm... like last post, i was kind of... /coughs i guess i was thinking about him.

i know that i really do want to talk to him. it's just that i make myself scared and i end up hesitating and by then the chance is far away. that happened the other day; i was walking out of class when i realised he was in front of me talking and walking with his friend and when i realised that i kind of tried to avoid looking at him too much but i'm pretty sure he glanced back and saw me? maybe that's just me being... i don't know. wishful or scared? but anyway, i was debating whether or not to say hi to him (the guy who was walking next to him was my old, not ladybug guy maths buddy who is very scary and iunno) when one of canoe guy's friends called out from behind me and then he stopped all of a sudden and turned around and we made eye contact and his eyes were beautiful and soft but UGH i avoided them and i know i really wanted to say hello to him but i got very scared and didn't and later i regretted it so much because i wonder if he was expecting something? /sigh.

i regret that. but anyway...

today in science he was talking to this girl and they were having small talk and wow, small talk!! it was so cool like, well, iunno. but the idea of having small talk with him just sounds nice, i guess. am i glorifying it? i don't know. i just think he seems like a nice dude, y'know. having small talk with someone you're comfortable with is really cool in general. these little things that we don't notice that happen everyday... it's tasty food for thought /laughs.

basically, i was talking about canoe guy with my friend claire.

in science class a few days ago, he needed a red pencil so he went around asking for one but kind of avoided my table and the tables behind me and??? but i had my pencils out and i'm PRETTY SURE he saw them but he didn't ask and i really wanted him to ask but adashduhd so after he went back to his table i kinda slumped and was like to claire that he needed a pencil and she was like ahaha ooh why don't you go give it to him? and he was already way back at his table and i was like, what do i throw it at him?? ;a; and she was like you can and i just uGHED. i just.. i actually took the red pencil out and was holding it but i was just scared /sigh.

so i was just freaking out about that since i usually tend to freak out about the little things and she said something akin to 'it's something you're not going to remember in a month' and another thing she said to me when i was feeling really sad and down about liking the dude and what my actions were resulting in because i felt like no matter what i did... what was the reason? so it made me feel uselessly happy? i just want to get over this crush but i don't know if it'll go anytime soon. so i was just telling her about how my actions weren't really resulting in anything and how i was kind of disgusting myself by feeling selfish and wanting him to go up to me for once which is very very selfish because i brought this on to myself even though yes i didn't choose to l..ike him and stuff but still. i just. i'm being selfish and it's bad.

but then she was like 'well you just have to keep trying until you get results' and i was like ... and she was like 'what if one day you look back and go, oh darn, i should've kept trying?' and that kind of got to me because i remember saying that to another friend of mine.

so i guess i'll keep trying.

but i tend to pointlessly compare myself to everyone else he talks to and it hurts me to have these... feelings?? it's horribly painful and yet even though i say that it's worth it and i hate it. yeah.

i have very mixed feelings about this.

i'm repeating what i said in the last post, aren't i?

but also, in reference to that last post, to the ironic me and how i'm romantic but i'm scared.. it's because i'm scared of being too keen on liking someone and also because i know that i'll like someone a lot and dedicate a lot of myself to them because i tend to put too much into things anyway hah.

my imagination is really the worst because i can think up of future small things like having conversations and i get so determined but then i remind myself that friendship = time also and my cousin once told me that i tend to think of it as a game how i can 'level up' and i kinda do. but it's also really slow.

but yeah, on with the story.

i was really hesitant on asking her one question but seeing as it's kept me up at night wondering, i asked her it anyway.

remember when i said to canoe guy that his smile was really nice?

well, i escaped before i actually knew if he heard what i said or if he knew

but claire basically was there and since she figured out who it was, i asked her if she knew if he heard or not, and her reply kind of left me, well... here:

'I saw his reaction, he looked really happy and slightly confused as anyone would. It did look like he heard you, but even if he didn't it looked like he was happy you said something to him.'

speechless, i guess is the word.

not because he might've heard me or anything maybe remotely related to him but the fact that i could make someone happy just because i said something to them. that left me feeling very light. but a lot of that lightness was also created when i read 'he looked really happy' because that makes me proud, aha. not sure if i should be but i'm glad i could make someone happy? i hope he heard. i don't know. right now i'm having very mixed feelings (i seem to have lots of conflicts with my feelings /sigh) and i just don't want to bother him by saying hello to him, but i guess that's kind of pointless now since, well..

okay, valentines day. let's get onto that topic.

i don't know if i mentioned this in any other posts but for valentines day my school src celebrates it by holding this program where you can buy flowers and send them to people. gerberas are 2 dollars and roses are 5. lol screw roses, i went the gerbera style (you'll see why).

for the past two years my friend amy had been sending everyone flowers and that was a beautiful gesture, like wow (i'm sad lovely people like her tend to feel bad about themselves) and i was actually planning to get my friends all gerberas this year because i wanted to continue the tradition (also a lot of girls at my school get flowers and if you don't get one, people just kind of go 'hah' and it's really stupid but it happens???) but also because my friends are really wonderful people and i kind of wanted them to smile. the only thing was, was that i didn't have enough money so the other day when my friend harriet pulled out a hat and was like 'guys pick out a paper; whichever name you pick up you have to send a flower to that person'. i got ruby, which is very coincidental because i always seem to happen to pick out her name with things -- for secret santa and stuff.

i was about to write what i wrote on her message (hint: a pick-up line) but ruby might look at my blog so maybe not, heh.

but yeah, so yesterday at the swimming carnival i sent the flowers.

i was really hesitating sending a flower to canoe guy - all sorts of questions came up like what if i embarrass him and i never talk to him again? what do i do? what??? and i just kind of died but iunno, after claire messaged me that thing, i guess all i wanted to do was make him happy? i'm a bit of an idiot that way but oh well.

if i have these terrible feelings i might as well make use of them - if i'm going down with this boat i might as well set it on fire myself and not wait for others to do it, i guess, is my train of thought.

seriously, i'd rather be seme than uke and that goes all ways /cackles.

one of my friends asked me why send a gerbera and not a rose and i guess that's because a rose is like an outright declaration of 'i like you/i'm interested in you' but i'd rather do it my way, heh, y'know? in my own little ways, i want to do it.

eh. yolo right? (i don't know if i'll regret these words but i hope i won't)

one thing though, that makes me falter with things related to canoe guy is when i sometimes have that realisation that he's very, very far away.

by that, i guess i'll leave that up to any reader's imagination; it's meaning.

ahaha, and i'll tell you guys about the flower sending process.

the moments before i actually went to send the flower (they had a stall set up inside a building, we were at the swimming carnival) i was really apprehensive of the fact that we had to verbally /tell/ the organiser person our message and who we were sending it to, but eventually i went with claire (mother hen cutie/confider) and ruby (bestie/poor soul dragged along with my antics).

ruby went first and sent her thingies and then it was my turn.

at first i was just thinking of sending ruby's flower and so i did that and when i got up to the message the server dude (he was super nice!! and had orange hair so i'll call him orange) i was like ahaha oooh i have a good one, and was like, this is the message and told him this pick-up line and he smiled amusedly and i was like hehe.

and then he was like, is that all?

and then i hesitated for a few beats.

and then i was like, uhm, may i send another one?

and he was like, sure! and he proceeded to ask who.

and the day before after talking with claire i figured if i did send the flower then i probably wouldn't be able to say his name out loud without being really embarrassed, thus being prepared and writing his name and year on a post-it note and folding it up and putting it in my bag the day before. i can't even believe that i was still kind of embarrassed at writing it but i was.

and then i was like, is this alright? and showed the dude the note and he smiled in this way that said 'ahhhhh i seeee' and then i got really flustered esp because he said the name while writing it down on the computer and i kind of was like e.gsdfdsghj whasdnsafkdndg.

anyway, he wrote it down and was like, so, got a message?

and then i was like, uhm, is it okay if i can write it down myself?

to which orange was like, oh yeah, sure!

WHAT A NICE DUDE WOW.

but anyway,

i wrote a message similar to: uhm, hey at jamberoo, if you heard what i said then i really meant it! but if not, you can have it in writing? ...you have a really nice smile. thanks!

and uh /coughs.

yeah that's it.

i'm very scared i'll embarrass him... and i'll scare him off... among other things, but i guess time will tell even though i'll be missing valentines day next week due to an excursion, aha. though my horoscope states 'maybe u won't be alone after all' but although they're fun to read they're very innacurate. heh. ew though, i don't know why i...

let's not get on that topic. valentines day isn't all about romantic love is it? i'm fine with friendship love and familial love and i hope my friends feel very appreciated on that day.

but yeah. sending the flower was honestly easier than i expected and i'm very glad for that.

yeah.

that's pretty much it.

so, changing the topic...

I GOT A NEW SWIMSUIT. i'm very hap, coz i feel comfortable with it seeing as it has cups for the boobs B) and also it's a one piece and it can cover bits and stuff, ehe. also it's black and black's gr8. it's just for bush school, so ye.

i can't believe this week is already over. next week will be busy coz valentines day and excursions and photo day and presentation night and birthday parties, and then the week after will be bush school. things are going by so quickly.

also at the swimming carnival, there was child trafficking (not really) due to my friend guy. he's an oddball, a serious oddball, but hey he makes life interesting (/coughs by trapping me in his trench coat to then 'sell' me to other people).

ye.

i think i wrote about everything.

i hope by the time i make the next entry i can do martial arts officially /sigh.

have a good day my dearies! i hope you guys are happy and smiling beautifully.

this is entry 16. jesse out B) (/cackles at that face dude it's so wonderful).

entry 15

fullmetal alchemist brotherhood is beautiful. i love the emotions; how the makers are able to invoke those emotions. it's wonderful. the lullaby of resembool has to be my favourite ost because it gives you a bit of nostalgia /from/ the anime and that's a wonderful, precious feeling. also, ling badass mofo yao. he gives me the feels.

so i've been writing recently.

i realise that writing has actually been a passion of mine for a long time - ever since i was 11. looking back on my fanfiction account, i see my old fics and i've read them and they are very shudder worthy but adorably so; i say adorably because it just reminds me that i've improved quite a lot (but there's still much more room for improvement).

i don't really want to do acting any more; that was probably a spur of the moment thing and that tends to happen to me a lot /sigh. i'm doing acting this year and /coughs/ so the people doing it kind of intimidates me but i really have to keep reminding myself that it's a chance to improve, not an opportunity to feel bad about myself.

i've also been singing and testing stuff out on my microphone: output gain is a good thing, so is vocal ambience in reference to classic reverb, delay is a suggestion and eq can be quite good as long as it doesn't make the vocals too... scratchy. that's just a note to self.

i tend to do things in the spur of the moment SO much and when i look back on it i cringe, but... experience huh? /laughs nervously. i'm also a bit naive. i do things and then i get hurt because i put a lot of... enthusiasm? passion? whatever it is - a put a lot into it and then i look back and kind of glimpse how the other people i do things for don't do things for me at all, and i set up this expectation of them and myself and maybe that's why i fail at a lot of things.

ugh. i think i'm going to change youth theatre to something a little more practical (i have creative writing in mind but i'm not sure if it is available)

BUT HEY.

this year i'm into martial arts and writing! /cackles. martial arts will be hella fucking fun, i feel it in my damn bones. this is a promise to myself: no matter what keep your interest because it feels good, that's simply it. not because you have to for other people. just because /you/ want to and you know that it makes you happy. i also really have this urge to get fit because exercising is fun, heh.

so i got my hair cut. my bits are gone and i'm SO SAD. it's like a part of my heart was chopped off.

it went like this:

'okay so where do u want your bangs cut?'
-i gesture to my chest
'oh okay sure'
-hairdresser cuts it all off
my mind: fUCK WHAT IS HAPPEN
'is this okay? :DD'
i nod, shocked and traumatised.

it was very...

i'm....

yeah.

i'm so...

...

yeah.

so i'm also back at school.

i've got a tad bit of homework but eh. i've done all but the maths hw and that's because you're supposed to find a textbook on the school site but i have no idea where it is so i'm gonna ask miss tomorrow. as long as it's done by the end of the year, apparently it's okay.

wish me luck /sigh.

so, y'know... how i was like to canoe dude, that his smile was nice, at the end of the last holidays? did i mention that? y-yeah, i did..

well that, for me, was basically a way of saying 'thanks for being likeable, this is the end' but /coughs apparently feelings don't work that way no matter how much i want it to - on the first day of school he entered and there was that feeling again.

....y'know, that feeling? in your chest that makes your hand raise to it and your eyes kinda soften and it's warm and maybe a bit crushing?

yeah.

i hate it. so much.

it's very ironic because i'm that romantic kind of person but i'm so scared of liking a person and so apprehensive to liking someone. infatuation is a scary-ass thing.

i saw him later that day when school had ended and he was walking towards where i was heading (diagram for u: ---> <----) basically we were gonna collide but not in the collide literal meaning, and i was looking up like normal and i only just realised it was him (my eyesight, 'nuff said) and when he looked up i was like really belatedly 'o..,h' and so i looked away.

but i felt like i wanted to talk to him. why do i feel like that whenever i see him, i wonder? is that a self-explanatory question? i really can't tell and it screws with my brain, but then again i am a very emotional person so it shouldn't surprise me.

but i wanted to talk to him so much.

it's just that his friends greeted him at that time and i felt scared so i didn't.

it's very selfish of me (i think) but i have thoughts that 'if he wants to talk to me he will' but then i remember that isn't there that clique restriction? isn't it just me who thinks of him so much it's a bit unfair? yeah, it is just me so it's my fault in the first place and then i end up sighing deeply (i seem to be doing that a lot lately).

yeah, so anyway, i didn't talk to him though i really wanted to.

i was contemplating about him while in the car with my mum, after that and that's when my mum was like 'heyyyy u okay daughter' and then i felt like i wanted to tell someone, and trust me the options aren't much because i'm a secretive person when it comes to these things, so i told her.

and she was like 'hm.. hey, well at least you didn't have a crush on a guy for six years' and she told me the story of how she had a crush on this dude from high school to university for six years and how she was exchanging letters with him and it just suddenly stopped and not because he died or anything tragic like that, it was just that... it stopped. sad because it's so easy to stop communicating with someone you care about when you're not in actual contact with them.

and she told me that i should use my feelings as inspiration and that really helped me.

but still, it hurts. it's also very scary.

i just... can i not like him? he might be like a really nice dude and all but i'm too shy to go up to him so nothing's ever gonna happen and URGhHHhHHHHHHHH make it stoooop ;a;

anyway.

sorry /sigh.

but i also found that he had an interest in photography and when i found out that i was like are you fucking kidding me.

it just somehow even that seems really wonderful of him??

and he sits behind me in geography. send help. and he's in my science class.

it's too bad because i'm the type to want to act on things, not the type to secretly 'relish' things, but i do relish things i just do it in a different way and in a way that hurts myself because i really believe on acting on things.

i'm just...

sigh.

why do things have to be so complex?

now i'm just a silly school girl fawning over some boy and it's annoying me a hella lot.

i'm very much an idiot.

anyway.

2014 is the year of the japanese excursion, bush school, the year ten formal and the pressure of the rosa.

good luck to me.

this is entry 15: to any readers at all, please have a safe and happy day. smile because you look beautiful when you do (everyone does unless you're smiling as you murder someone so please don't commit murder, it's a bad thing). thanks yo.