so i just had a talk with the parents today about finances and i'll try to summarise it here:
- basically I had to tell them what I assumed/calculated it would be each year to go and live there in japan and that amounted up to 20,000 dollars
- my dad said if it were around 10,000/12,000 he would be able to support me but this 20,000 will be really difficult
- he asked that if he paid the enrolment fees would we be able to get a refund
- and I was like yeah they do but it's not the full amount and he was like I see
- as you know I am a crybaby so when he mentioned the prospect of cancelling I got teary but luckily held it in as I think my dad would hate it if I were to cry/be emotional so I was really trying to keep that logical air
- I know how much i'm pressuring them and what i'm asking for and just the thought of all these finances and figures makes me dizzy lol and the dad said he would try asking his sister for money and think about renting the house
- and I was like oh.. ;;;; i'll try to get jobs and do as much as I can to help out and dad was like :/ and it's so hard
we're literally on the EDGE and this whole thing just doesn't feel good at all
my mum says for me not to worry and that we'll find a way and I know I should just take things step by step and focus on getting those jobs after I come back from the week schoolies trip but,, honestly I've been losing sleep over thinking about this
later today I went to the grocery store with mum and she made my cry in the car omg ;;;
but basically she was like "we know you're a good girl and you've been trying very hard and we're proud of you"
(sorry I stopped writing for like a few minutes because seriously just that ;;;; means so much to me and it hurts so much
and she was like "we'll find a way, you'll achieve your dreams" but in the same convo she was also like "I just want you to understand that we don't want you to struggle when you're over there, like not being able to buy food or things you want to buy" because they had intense childhoods as well, as I described in the last post. and I was like ";;;; I know ;;;; I just;;; I would honestly,, rather that struggle than regretting not being able to go" but at the same time I say that, I have to reinforce, I know i'm putting so much pressure on them. and my mum was again like, 'yeah, but just try to understand from our pov because your dad is concerned with that as well, we don't want you to suffer like we did' and at that time I thought 'I think I understand so much to the point it hurts'
i'm so grateful to my parents and my mum reassured me that if anything we still have the house a.k.a the idea of renting the house to people and having those 'rent payments only go towards you' ;;;;; I just ;;;; feel so ;;;; bad that they have to struggle and think about this ;;;;; y'know ;;;;
it's just that I've set up myself to going on this path so much that I don't want to go down without a fight so at the same time as I am sorry I just have this like determination to get where I want to be, I just want things to go right and I want to work to make it happen
I don't even want to think about not being able to go because i'm so keen and I feel like my efforts really have been in order to be able to go, that's my dream y'know but obviously like yeah I have backup plans in mind and will probably have to think about them in December when atar results come out
then I got an email from a person who works at the uni i want to go to, and I've been messaging them for like two-ish years and they were really nice and actually said they thought i'd get a better scholarship but the competition must have been really intense this time around, but also said they knew there were lots of external scholarships that I could achieve once I was there ;;;
and that hit me with the feels again which is why i'm venting it out here instead of reaching out endlessly to my friends who have supported me more than enough ;;;
the fact that there are external scholarships I could potentially get over there fills me with hope because dear god I will really try my hardest to alleviate both my parents worries and my own, like I want to work so hard and really earn them
at the same time I just feel so sorry that I've accidentally thought stuff like 'i'm sorry I didn't get a better scholarship' to my parents but I know that I really did try my best and I don't have anything to regret and that the only way forward is taking things step by step and focusing on what I can do now in order to ensure a secure education and good future lifestyle.
yeah
ok
it's been an emotional day today and it's only 4 lol
my nose is running like a TAP it's so wild and my eyes are probably so swollen from all the crying I've been doing omg
ok
I just
gotta work hard
take it slow
do chores around the house and be as much help as I can be to my parents
yeah
ok.
well this has been my rant today
and i'm sorry it wasn't a more happier entry!!!
in any case thank you for reading and I hope you're healthy, happy and safe!
let me list a few moments of today that were actually nice and funny
- I've been thinking about getting a penpal and there's this site called interpal that I've found! I made a profile and told my mum about it today and she was like 'are there cute guys' and I was like 'um,,,, yes' and she was like 'oMgGG you GOOO girl you Talk to THEM DO it while you're YOUNG!!!!' and I was like omg' and she was like 'set me up,, a profile...' and I was like ... 'are you... going to talk to Korean people' (because she's a lover of Korean culture/kdrama) and she was like ':))))) better find pictures of when I was skinny and young'
- yuri on ice is actually an awesome anime dude like yuri and victor the affection they show each other is UNDENIABLY ROMANTIC AND HOMO WHICH IS LIKE AMAZING ????? it better not be queerbaiting because honestly the characters are all so precious and I love !!! the character development with yuri and him finding fun in ice skating again and he also practically confessed his love for victor in the episode i'm up to it is actually so amazing and beautiful of an anime
- my friends are so supportive of everything I do and I can't be more grateful to have them here by my side and cheering them on. actually snay today ;;;; I was talking to her and it was just ;;; let me quote:
"You know what
I admire you so much
Like
If I was faced with this situation I would just be 'burrito mode' and then give up
But you
You just go full "Hinata promising to beat Shiratorizawa mode" and you do everything in your power to achieve that goal
And I know that that analogy/metaphor is pretty chidish
But honestly that's the only one that fits in my head
Because you are my Hinata"
and this honestly made me cry and be really happy ;;; to be compared to my son hinata ;;;;; but honestly i love snay so much and i think although we have different ways of handling things, we'll always get to where we want to be because we have each other
in the same vein if any of my friends are reading this thank you for being here for me. i honestly can't stress that enough (look how many times I've said honestly in this blog post omg), because i'm seriously only here and who i am because of you guys and you being here for me
ok
i'll be back with another blog post probs after schoolies :D
see u!!!! :D
btw my eyes are so SQUINTY now i gotta drink water to rehydrate them ahhh
Thursday, 3 November 2016
Tuesday, 1 November 2016
entry 37
it's 9:57am and i will start studying in half an hour! promise!
so it's been quite some time! i think it's very interesting to see how i've begun making entries less and less while becoming more and more preoccupied with life and the interesting/amazing/sometimes stressful things that are going, such as the HSC, i've literally only made one previous entry this year and that's crazy!
firstly... let me just list a bunch of things that i should talk about in terms of where my current mental state + ambitions are at --
1 > family
2 > dreams for life // views on studying? university? the changes to come?
3 > school life
4 > poetry
5 > little goals that may or may not be achieved
---
ok idk when I started that draft but let's see if I can continue where I left out lolol it's 2:38pm right now and the date is hopefully the date I will publish this draft on :)))
my buddy, how life has changed.
firstly, this leads into #4 listed up there but I did eng ext 2 as part of my HSC course (which now I can legit say it is OVER and I made it through and everyone else who did should feel proud of themselves and give themselves a good, wholesome rest!), and my major work was a suite of poems. i'm not sure if I wrote about this in a past entry but those poems were detailing the actions of those around me and how they impacted on the person I am today. if I can still recall correctly there were 5 poems, centring on family, friends, my brother, my teacher and myself. i'd kind of like to post the poems here but they're really long! but anyway the first was the heaviest because it was a mixture of my feelings at the time of the previous blog posts about the whole situation with my parents and their impact on me. but as such, everything passes and it's only natural that you either come to terms with experiences or at least learn things from them and I think i'm able to say that I've done both, perhaps.
my conclusions from the past entries have been this:
1. it's not like I've forgiven my dad for the things he did. I don't respect what he did nor how he fails to apologise for it. but I respect him because a lot of my opportunities and pleasures in life could have been lost if he had decided to leave my mum and my brother back when I wasn't yet born. because of my dad I've been able to make memories I wouldn't have, I have been able to go to places and do things I wouldn't have been able to do without his support. and unlike the figure I portray in the poetry with a "mouth cured by salt", the lone fisherman that spends too much time on a screen rather than addressing those real life issues-- dad is unmistakably human and although mistakes hurt, people can still heal and people can come to make do with what their circumstances have given them. I kind of feel like I'm rambling but my main point is, is that if I had a longer time period to finish that suite of poems the first poem about family would not be ending with this:
"By now the pain is long gone,
and so is that daughter.
She has grown different now,
though she used to be mine,
and by extension yours,
she is different now.
No longer a princess,
still spoiled a lot,
but with a sword in her hand
she knows what she's got.
And what she doesn't."
Or maybe it would end the same, at least with that conclusive tone. But I think the portrayal of the people in that poem would be different and more fleshed out. It's weird, y'know? For all the struggles and moments of spite, I love all of my family pretty much beyond words. I find it very easy to communicate my affection for my friends, SO easily, because I know that we only have a limited time together, but I find that with my family it can be so hard for some reason. I think it's probably because there is that part of my that takes them for granted and therefore it's very easy to see all the faults in one another. But I guess, thanks to my dream of wanting to go to Japan and all the experiences I've had this year with realisations of impermanence, I want to say that I've become more perceptive to the things that I should be grateful towards. I actually really love my mum and dad and seeing them happy makes me so happy I could cry (i'm a crybaby after all). It's because I know how hard they work to support me and I know I'm asking a lot from them and that I'm really lucky to be living like I am. I really treasure seeing them happy, so it kind of hurts me to think that in my journey towards achieving my dream, I am impacting on them and how they can live in the future. I want to be able to provide for myself, so I am hoping to get a job very soon (since it's the end of HSC).
To give more info, I got a 65% scholarship to go study in Japan next year and that's always been my dream. 65% because it's a tuition reduction scholarship covering the years I'll be studying there e.g 4, and while obviously the higher the better, it's actually fair enough considering how I am from a developed country and that's honestly quite a bit of money anyway to be reduced from all the fees. btw sorry if my writing is weird and there's caps and suddenly no caps and no grammar, it's because I usually write without proper grammar usage but i'm on my laptop so it automatically corrects things lol.
ANYWAY TO QUICKLY SUM UP EVERYTHING I WANTED TO GO THRU W/ #1 on the list: only recently it's struck me how important family can be. actually i'll tell u an anecdote. so basically the other day I was making pork floss with my dad because he was like 'u should see how much time this takes' and I was like 'well ok I'm finished with exams now so I can help :D' and so my eyes were opened actually to how much effort and time it took! and you know, I've always found it hard to talk with my dad. or I guess not really hard so to say but I never really made much of an effort to talk to him much because I was always afraid it would spiral into the direction of him saying something i'd disagree with and then both of us ending up in a bad mood. but the other day I asked him about his childhood because i'd heard from mum that his family used to own a restaurant. so dad told me about his father and how his father owned a restaurant but died due to a mosquito bite when dad was really young, and so his mum and the rest of his siblings had to work really hard in order to make money. so his mum made pork floss often and dad helped and they sold food to make a living. it makes sense because pork floss is dried meat and essentially should last for a long time.
you know a similar story is my mum's childhood. mum sometimes gets into a nostalgic mood and ends up telling me stories and she told me about how living in poverty was for her as a kid with her family, and how her mother often went around to the neighbours to ask for rice but the neighbours shut them out because they had to think about their own families. she told me how her mother used to buy one fish and they had to share it between I think 6 kids? and how more often than not they simply ate rice with diluted coffee to flavour it.
it struck me how different lives can be, how really, really different they can be. and although there's the saying money can't buy happiness, it really can. it's SO important in this world, so SO important in giving opportunities and paving way for happiness. but also, it's because money is so important that we should savour the things we already have such as the people around us.
so yeah. sum of point #1 is i'm grateful for family and I really want to be able to give back to my parents when I have a job later on in life. I want them to experience the beauty of japan as I have. I want to do them proud.
as for #2 I feel like I don't have much to say on that right now except now that I've gotten the scholarship I have a basis to work off for paying for the rest of the fees such as living costs/the 35% tuition/etc. and that there's a lot of prep to do in order to officially enrol such as submitting heaps of documents and getting a student visa and all and honestly that process is so intimidating haha I admittedly lost sleep last night thinking about it and how i'm scared and anxious about the things that could go wrong such as missing deadlines and ending up losing the scholarship. i'm scared to be happy because I still need to take steps in order to ensure that the dream that is so close can fully be achieved. so i'll save my happiness for the day I meet the deadlines. that means i'll make another post in February 2017 which is the last deadline for document submission/enrolment fees. wish me luck? haha
#3 (school life) has ended,,, uhh not much to say about that too except I know i'll miss high school. and thank you for the memories.
#4!!! so I've gotten into poetry thanks to ext eng 2!!! :D I think it's been quite an eye opener to me as a person and to the things I like about other people and random things in life. well firstly i feel things so intensely lol and i like to be able to write about the feelings i get from my experiences because it sort of immortalises that in writing and acts as a reminder. i love that. i also like other people who can feel things intensely, as in, people who are passionate. i love people who can find such beauty in small things. i love people who get lost talking about the things they love. it's so beautiful to feel things intensely and to be passionate. yeah! so sometimes when i'm listening to Claire play the piano or just meditating at home or just listening to music or just day to day things, i get into this poetry mood and it feels really good when that happens. i don't know how to explain 'good' but maybe one day i'll write a poem about that :) I've been compiling docs of draft poems so maybe when i refine some of them or maybe if i just get the time, i'll post them on here :) :D
aaaand as for #5... i have a lot of little goals !!!!
long term is:
> get REALLY fit and get good at dancing
> get good at cooking and compile a recipe book of home recipes to bring to japan
> learn the ukulele/practice
> learn how to do make-up!
> keep learning Japanese
> learn korean
short term is:
- get a mini telescope for STAR GAZING !!!!!! !!!!
- get more clothes if possible??
- do vlogging!!! get a camera in time for japan!!
and i may add to these goals over time!! :D
so yeah!!!
here is my update which also signals the end of high school and the beginning of my future and awesome things (i hope).
as always, thank you for reading :D it's weird to look back on all my past entries and i'm fearful that i will one day and that everything will be cringe worthy lol but at least know that i won't change a thing about them lol,,,
stay safe, healthy and happy readers :DD <3
- jesse
so it's been quite some time! i think it's very interesting to see how i've begun making entries less and less while becoming more and more preoccupied with life and the interesting/amazing/sometimes stressful things that are going, such as the HSC, i've literally only made one previous entry this year and that's crazy!
firstly... let me just list a bunch of things that i should talk about in terms of where my current mental state + ambitions are at --
1 > family
2 > dreams for life // views on studying? university? the changes to come?
3 > school life
4 > poetry
5 > little goals that may or may not be achieved
---
ok idk when I started that draft but let's see if I can continue where I left out lolol it's 2:38pm right now and the date is hopefully the date I will publish this draft on :)))
my buddy, how life has changed.
firstly, this leads into #4 listed up there but I did eng ext 2 as part of my HSC course (which now I can legit say it is OVER and I made it through and everyone else who did should feel proud of themselves and give themselves a good, wholesome rest!), and my major work was a suite of poems. i'm not sure if I wrote about this in a past entry but those poems were detailing the actions of those around me and how they impacted on the person I am today. if I can still recall correctly there were 5 poems, centring on family, friends, my brother, my teacher and myself. i'd kind of like to post the poems here but they're really long! but anyway the first was the heaviest because it was a mixture of my feelings at the time of the previous blog posts about the whole situation with my parents and their impact on me. but as such, everything passes and it's only natural that you either come to terms with experiences or at least learn things from them and I think i'm able to say that I've done both, perhaps.
my conclusions from the past entries have been this:
1. it's not like I've forgiven my dad for the things he did. I don't respect what he did nor how he fails to apologise for it. but I respect him because a lot of my opportunities and pleasures in life could have been lost if he had decided to leave my mum and my brother back when I wasn't yet born. because of my dad I've been able to make memories I wouldn't have, I have been able to go to places and do things I wouldn't have been able to do without his support. and unlike the figure I portray in the poetry with a "mouth cured by salt", the lone fisherman that spends too much time on a screen rather than addressing those real life issues-- dad is unmistakably human and although mistakes hurt, people can still heal and people can come to make do with what their circumstances have given them. I kind of feel like I'm rambling but my main point is, is that if I had a longer time period to finish that suite of poems the first poem about family would not be ending with this:
"By now the pain is long gone,
and so is that daughter.
She has grown different now,
though she used to be mine,
and by extension yours,
she is different now.
No longer a princess,
still spoiled a lot,
but with a sword in her hand
she knows what she's got.
And what she doesn't."
Or maybe it would end the same, at least with that conclusive tone. But I think the portrayal of the people in that poem would be different and more fleshed out. It's weird, y'know? For all the struggles and moments of spite, I love all of my family pretty much beyond words. I find it very easy to communicate my affection for my friends, SO easily, because I know that we only have a limited time together, but I find that with my family it can be so hard for some reason. I think it's probably because there is that part of my that takes them for granted and therefore it's very easy to see all the faults in one another. But I guess, thanks to my dream of wanting to go to Japan and all the experiences I've had this year with realisations of impermanence, I want to say that I've become more perceptive to the things that I should be grateful towards. I actually really love my mum and dad and seeing them happy makes me so happy I could cry (i'm a crybaby after all). It's because I know how hard they work to support me and I know I'm asking a lot from them and that I'm really lucky to be living like I am. I really treasure seeing them happy, so it kind of hurts me to think that in my journey towards achieving my dream, I am impacting on them and how they can live in the future. I want to be able to provide for myself, so I am hoping to get a job very soon (since it's the end of HSC).
To give more info, I got a 65% scholarship to go study in Japan next year and that's always been my dream. 65% because it's a tuition reduction scholarship covering the years I'll be studying there e.g 4, and while obviously the higher the better, it's actually fair enough considering how I am from a developed country and that's honestly quite a bit of money anyway to be reduced from all the fees. btw sorry if my writing is weird and there's caps and suddenly no caps and no grammar, it's because I usually write without proper grammar usage but i'm on my laptop so it automatically corrects things lol.
ANYWAY TO QUICKLY SUM UP EVERYTHING I WANTED TO GO THRU W/ #1 on the list: only recently it's struck me how important family can be. actually i'll tell u an anecdote. so basically the other day I was making pork floss with my dad because he was like 'u should see how much time this takes' and I was like 'well ok I'm finished with exams now so I can help :D' and so my eyes were opened actually to how much effort and time it took! and you know, I've always found it hard to talk with my dad. or I guess not really hard so to say but I never really made much of an effort to talk to him much because I was always afraid it would spiral into the direction of him saying something i'd disagree with and then both of us ending up in a bad mood. but the other day I asked him about his childhood because i'd heard from mum that his family used to own a restaurant. so dad told me about his father and how his father owned a restaurant but died due to a mosquito bite when dad was really young, and so his mum and the rest of his siblings had to work really hard in order to make money. so his mum made pork floss often and dad helped and they sold food to make a living. it makes sense because pork floss is dried meat and essentially should last for a long time.
you know a similar story is my mum's childhood. mum sometimes gets into a nostalgic mood and ends up telling me stories and she told me about how living in poverty was for her as a kid with her family, and how her mother often went around to the neighbours to ask for rice but the neighbours shut them out because they had to think about their own families. she told me how her mother used to buy one fish and they had to share it between I think 6 kids? and how more often than not they simply ate rice with diluted coffee to flavour it.
it struck me how different lives can be, how really, really different they can be. and although there's the saying money can't buy happiness, it really can. it's SO important in this world, so SO important in giving opportunities and paving way for happiness. but also, it's because money is so important that we should savour the things we already have such as the people around us.
so yeah. sum of point #1 is i'm grateful for family and I really want to be able to give back to my parents when I have a job later on in life. I want them to experience the beauty of japan as I have. I want to do them proud.
as for #2 I feel like I don't have much to say on that right now except now that I've gotten the scholarship I have a basis to work off for paying for the rest of the fees such as living costs/the 35% tuition/etc. and that there's a lot of prep to do in order to officially enrol such as submitting heaps of documents and getting a student visa and all and honestly that process is so intimidating haha I admittedly lost sleep last night thinking about it and how i'm scared and anxious about the things that could go wrong such as missing deadlines and ending up losing the scholarship. i'm scared to be happy because I still need to take steps in order to ensure that the dream that is so close can fully be achieved. so i'll save my happiness for the day I meet the deadlines. that means i'll make another post in February 2017 which is the last deadline for document submission/enrolment fees. wish me luck? haha
#3 (school life) has ended,,, uhh not much to say about that too except I know i'll miss high school. and thank you for the memories.
#4!!! so I've gotten into poetry thanks to ext eng 2!!! :D I think it's been quite an eye opener to me as a person and to the things I like about other people and random things in life. well firstly i feel things so intensely lol and i like to be able to write about the feelings i get from my experiences because it sort of immortalises that in writing and acts as a reminder. i love that. i also like other people who can feel things intensely, as in, people who are passionate. i love people who can find such beauty in small things. i love people who get lost talking about the things they love. it's so beautiful to feel things intensely and to be passionate. yeah! so sometimes when i'm listening to Claire play the piano or just meditating at home or just listening to music or just day to day things, i get into this poetry mood and it feels really good when that happens. i don't know how to explain 'good' but maybe one day i'll write a poem about that :) I've been compiling docs of draft poems so maybe when i refine some of them or maybe if i just get the time, i'll post them on here :) :D
aaaand as for #5... i have a lot of little goals !!!!
long term is:
> get REALLY fit and get good at dancing
> get good at cooking and compile a recipe book of home recipes to bring to japan
> learn the ukulele/practice
> learn how to do make-up!
> keep learning Japanese
> learn korean
short term is:
- get a mini telescope for STAR GAZING !!!!!! !!!!
- get more clothes if possible??
- do vlogging!!! get a camera in time for japan!!
and i may add to these goals over time!! :D
so yeah!!!
here is my update which also signals the end of high school and the beginning of my future and awesome things (i hope).
as always, thank you for reading :D it's weird to look back on all my past entries and i'm fearful that i will one day and that everything will be cringe worthy lol but at least know that i won't change a thing about them lol,,,
stay safe, healthy and happy readers :DD <3
- jesse
Friday, 15 April 2016
entry 36
it's really interesting y'know
so the update i was supposed to make was basically just gonna be a recount of how i showed the costs of scholarship etc to the university i want to get into to my parents, and when i showed it to my dad it surprised me because it felt like he was really taking me seriously, he looked at it and said yeah, if you get this scholarship or this one, we can afford to send you there.
and for me that kind of felt as if he was was putting belief into what i wanted to do related to japanese and even trust into me for going overseas by myself, it's a huge decision and having my parents' support for it, despite their worries which can get a little ~~ sometimes, well, it made me happy.
the whole drama from before, what has it been, a few months yeah? WOAH 2015. WELL HAPPY NEW YEAR LOL wow i didn't update for a long time!!! well, it kind of just... died down. i guess everything passes and so did this, and who knows if it'll arise again.
but anyway, referring to 'what's interesting'...
family dynamics!
i'd like to just write out some interesting thoughts and stuff i've had on that.
reader, does your family eat dinner together very often? probably an equal amount do and don't, or, well, i'm not too sure. my family doesn't but i've been going to motherhen's house and seeing the type of family that does, and it makes me so happy. hearing such uplifting nonchalant chatter makes me so happy and even more so being involved in it makes bonding feel so important and before i might've actually believed and told you that family might not mean that much to me, save for individuals in the family who i could get along with.
family is an interesting concept to many people and it might be a barely-there concept or something incredibly obvious. to me, i guess, for a girl who experiences eating dinner with family as either 1) for special occasions and jolly when everyone's in a good mood (a bit rare nowadays, especially with my bro's leave to sydney), 2) just me and another family member either my dad or mum sitting there in silence while i eat and they go on their phone so i bring out my phone too, or until one of us makes some kind of small talk, or 3) me and my parents together in an awkward silence because my parents don't get along well with each other. either my mum makes small talk and dad says something in his blunt way and then there's an awkward silence. not really sure how to explain it properly to convey how kind of saddening it can be to me, and even then i'm not sure if i'm making a big deal out of the fact i find it disheartening or if it maybe is a little to other people, i'm not really sure.
it made me think about having my own family someday, and what eating dinner with that family would be like. right now, because everyone works and comes home at different times or dad goes to sydney, we all eat dinner separately and it's just become a thing that i make myself dinner and go to my computer, and mum makes her dinner separately when she comes home at ten and eats in the lounge, or dad's absence during dinner times or him eating dinner at random patterns whether in the kitchen or in the lounge or etc.
i don't know, i guess i had this weird worry that maybe my own family would be like that or maybe i'd be so used to doing things individually that i wouldn't properly be able to have some kind of family-bonding dinner session like other families can have, but i already know it, and i've been told it, that if i want something it i can make it happen and just because i grew up with it and my parents are like x and y, it doesn't mean i'll become like my parents.
....
anyway, those were ramblings that had been on my mind lately.
also that bonding is a good thing but it can be difficult? i don't know... my dad often goes to sydney and sometimes invites me but in those times i usually answer that i have homework and am busy.
i guess for me... it's not that i haven't gotten along with family in sydney but i definitely feel more comfortable if either my bro or cousin are there with me on the trip to sydney, instead of just me and my dad, and me left to be with those sydney relatives. my dad invited me to go to dinner with his sister and him today.... and like... with that invitation he was like, but you're busy with your own life huh? and i was like mm... i was planning to do homework today... and he was like ya bye and i was like bye...
and i know it's the holidays and stuff and i do balance work vs social life but...
that "busy with your own life" line prompted me to think of where i'll be next year, at university and in japan and I'LL GET THERE JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE, I'LL GET THERE OK. but anyway it made me think of how limited time there actually was and the importance of making the most of it.
i love the atmosphere when everyone in my family is happy and we're all getting along and i definitely want more of it but i guess it's that awkward side of me that fears how easy it is to get upset or feel disconnection with e.g sometimes my parents? even though they mean a lot to me and i respect both of them, it's easy to lose sight of that i guess because we don't always get along and don't make those chances, even though for me i can see how i could make those chances by accepting invitations to go to sydney etc...
i'm not asking for advice, i think, i'm just... kind of figuring out my thoughts about this. i do that a lot by writing, i think, which is why for my eng ext 2 work i'm writing a suite of poetry about, it's gonna sound cheesy but, "the actions of people which have had a transformative effect on the person i am today" and it's split into categories of parents, brother, teacher, friends and myself.
yeah.
on a different note,
school has been going awesomely!!! half yearlies are over and i did try my best and i'm happy with my results and it just shows that if you do try your best, you will improve and won't regret anything. then you can use those results and the mistakes you made to just learn more and improve, and that's more inspiring than anything.
i'll probably have more to update you on later but this is all i can think of for now :)
but hey, i'll leave you guys with a quote!!!
"You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say."
-jesse
so the update i was supposed to make was basically just gonna be a recount of how i showed the costs of scholarship etc to the university i want to get into to my parents, and when i showed it to my dad it surprised me because it felt like he was really taking me seriously, he looked at it and said yeah, if you get this scholarship or this one, we can afford to send you there.
and for me that kind of felt as if he was was putting belief into what i wanted to do related to japanese and even trust into me for going overseas by myself, it's a huge decision and having my parents' support for it, despite their worries which can get a little ~~ sometimes, well, it made me happy.
the whole drama from before, what has it been, a few months yeah? WOAH 2015. WELL HAPPY NEW YEAR LOL wow i didn't update for a long time!!! well, it kind of just... died down. i guess everything passes and so did this, and who knows if it'll arise again.
but anyway, referring to 'what's interesting'...
family dynamics!
i'd like to just write out some interesting thoughts and stuff i've had on that.
reader, does your family eat dinner together very often? probably an equal amount do and don't, or, well, i'm not too sure. my family doesn't but i've been going to motherhen's house and seeing the type of family that does, and it makes me so happy. hearing such uplifting nonchalant chatter makes me so happy and even more so being involved in it makes bonding feel so important and before i might've actually believed and told you that family might not mean that much to me, save for individuals in the family who i could get along with.
family is an interesting concept to many people and it might be a barely-there concept or something incredibly obvious. to me, i guess, for a girl who experiences eating dinner with family as either 1) for special occasions and jolly when everyone's in a good mood (a bit rare nowadays, especially with my bro's leave to sydney), 2) just me and another family member either my dad or mum sitting there in silence while i eat and they go on their phone so i bring out my phone too, or until one of us makes some kind of small talk, or 3) me and my parents together in an awkward silence because my parents don't get along well with each other. either my mum makes small talk and dad says something in his blunt way and then there's an awkward silence. not really sure how to explain it properly to convey how kind of saddening it can be to me, and even then i'm not sure if i'm making a big deal out of the fact i find it disheartening or if it maybe is a little to other people, i'm not really sure.
it made me think about having my own family someday, and what eating dinner with that family would be like. right now, because everyone works and comes home at different times or dad goes to sydney, we all eat dinner separately and it's just become a thing that i make myself dinner and go to my computer, and mum makes her dinner separately when she comes home at ten and eats in the lounge, or dad's absence during dinner times or him eating dinner at random patterns whether in the kitchen or in the lounge or etc.
i don't know, i guess i had this weird worry that maybe my own family would be like that or maybe i'd be so used to doing things individually that i wouldn't properly be able to have some kind of family-bonding dinner session like other families can have, but i already know it, and i've been told it, that if i want something it i can make it happen and just because i grew up with it and my parents are like x and y, it doesn't mean i'll become like my parents.
....
anyway, those were ramblings that had been on my mind lately.
also that bonding is a good thing but it can be difficult? i don't know... my dad often goes to sydney and sometimes invites me but in those times i usually answer that i have homework and am busy.
i guess for me... it's not that i haven't gotten along with family in sydney but i definitely feel more comfortable if either my bro or cousin are there with me on the trip to sydney, instead of just me and my dad, and me left to be with those sydney relatives. my dad invited me to go to dinner with his sister and him today.... and like... with that invitation he was like, but you're busy with your own life huh? and i was like mm... i was planning to do homework today... and he was like ya bye and i was like bye...
and i know it's the holidays and stuff and i do balance work vs social life but...
that "busy with your own life" line prompted me to think of where i'll be next year, at university and in japan and I'LL GET THERE JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE, I'LL GET THERE OK. but anyway it made me think of how limited time there actually was and the importance of making the most of it.
i love the atmosphere when everyone in my family is happy and we're all getting along and i definitely want more of it but i guess it's that awkward side of me that fears how easy it is to get upset or feel disconnection with e.g sometimes my parents? even though they mean a lot to me and i respect both of them, it's easy to lose sight of that i guess because we don't always get along and don't make those chances, even though for me i can see how i could make those chances by accepting invitations to go to sydney etc...
i'm not asking for advice, i think, i'm just... kind of figuring out my thoughts about this. i do that a lot by writing, i think, which is why for my eng ext 2 work i'm writing a suite of poetry about, it's gonna sound cheesy but, "the actions of people which have had a transformative effect on the person i am today" and it's split into categories of parents, brother, teacher, friends and myself.
yeah.
on a different note,
school has been going awesomely!!! half yearlies are over and i did try my best and i'm happy with my results and it just shows that if you do try your best, you will improve and won't regret anything. then you can use those results and the mistakes you made to just learn more and improve, and that's more inspiring than anything.
i'll probably have more to update you on later but this is all i can think of for now :)
but hey, i'll leave you guys with a quote!!!
"You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say."
-jesse
Saturday, 19 December 2015
entry 35
[low key screaming]
i'm really tired man
came back from an AWESOME camping trip today but basically we swam so much and body-boarding is actually so fun and i've come to appreciate the safety of lit roads and stable ground after walking to 海's house at 9pm and coming back down a cliff and feeling like a baby deer the whole way squatting and tightly sweatily gripping 海's offered hand and arriving back at the campsite at 11
save me from hell
ummm so on another note
things have been hectic, i guess
even just now, writing it up here like this makes me tired but not in that physical way /sigh
i guess i'll start from the start seeing as i'll have to as i haven't posted anything about it here or really, anything at all on here, in ages
so it began probably the day before i went to the doctors one day with a container of oatmeal at the ready for morning travels because i'm dedicated to my oatmeal
but the night before there was some kind of fight between my parents just over something really silly like it usually is and in the car on the way to the doctors my mum was the driver and she as always after these kind of things she was like, "do u see how he treats me jesse??' and i was like yea....... but like usually what i used to say was "all you have to do is just like talk to him??? try not to rise to his anger and just talk calmly???" because the fault lies in both in that they allow things to escalate so much with their words
and then mum kind of shut up and after a while she told me this thing that was perfect in time for module a of exams with english - 'discovery'
iunno man trigger alert if ur having family issues or something or you just don't really want to deal with this kind of stuff but i learnt that my dad cheated on my mum and left the family when bro was 5 and it still feels like to me that i make a big deal out of it sometimes but on the other hand the interaction between my mum and my dad affect me and my brother a great deal so maybe i'm justified
but basically when i found that out i was just so disappointed
of course my mum was like 'yeah but if there's one thing i can't fault him for it's him trying to provide for you and joey so don't get angry at ur dad u have to stay the same' and i was like ://// [angst intensifies] and iunno i just felt kinda :/ especially because like i can see how mum probably can't bring herself to try and communicate with dad when he never made the effort for her
i don't really know how her complaints went in full chronological order but they just made me so sad and angry at dad, and she also confided in me one of the things that dad said to her about having a 'second daughter' with that woman he cheated on before, and apparently he said this to her during this time when -- i don't think i ever mentioned it here? it's all a blur to me because i don't know it was a bad time --- but i used to like, scratch myself? they weren't full cuts but i used to try to injure myself and during that time apparently my mum and dad had a big fight and one thing i remember was crying in front of our christmas tree and mum leaving for work angrily and dad gone and joey coming in to try and cheer me up and saying something akin to 'if you think dad will care about what you're doing you're wrong, you just need to show him you're not affected'
but anyway dad said that he didn't care what happened to me if i killed myself or whatnot because he had a second daughter anyway
and mum said she couldn't forgive him for that
so in that car ride to the doctors i was just kind of like haha oh because i guess it just forced me to see things in a different perspective like 'ah that's why bro said that to me' and i began to really just :/ at my dad
i found that i still was grateful for everything that dad has done for me
but those actions of his do not justify the abuse that has constantly appeared through other actions
so in that fight that mum and dad had, i was fighting with dad - he asked me to take out the bins and i said i'd do it later because i was busy doing homework and he just got super angry and went on the argument that i never did anything for him and such and then he went and took out the bins himself and imo became really petty like a few days into the week my light stopped working and i was acting normally around dad, he was ignoring me and i asked for a new light and he said to go find one myself and i was like ok and tried to but couldn't find one and he was like oh well you're going to have to deal and i was like ok lol i'll do hw in joey's room instead
and then i was at my computer one day after the whole shenanigans of learning about the whole 'secret' and stuff, he like went up to me and was pretty ok and his reasoning for being angry that i hadn't taken out the bins was that we have some shady neighbours and going out in daylight is safer than at night and sure ok, i said sorry and that i'd keep that in mind next time but also that he should be understanding when i have homework and don't want to be disturbed
and then he just replied with that argument like no it only takes like 10 minutes just do it and got angry again and like exited the room
and i was like .......... and then i went out and just confronted him and was like yeah well i'm upset about another thing, i know that you cheated on mum
and he was like -silence- that's none of your business that's only between me and her
and i was like no it is my business because you're my dad and what you do affects everyone in the family
and then he got really defensive and was going like what do you want me to do??? kill myself??? don't worry i know you hate me i'll go live somewhere else soon anyway
and i was like ??????? ummmmmm how about saying sorry to mum?? i don't hate you??? literally what you are doing is running away from your problems and not solving anything
and he was like no i can't do that
and i was like why not
and he was like you'll understand when you're an adult
and i was like frankly dad, i don't see any adults in this room right now
and he was like i can't say sorry if i don't mean it
and i was like ??? well maybe this isn't for you maybe this is for mum
and he was like no it won't do anything
and i was like how do you know you haven't even tried anything
and he just wouldn't budge and so i just sighed really loudly and was like then can you at least try to stop fighting with her? and he was like she makes me say things!!!! and i was like uh huh right and he was like "but what i told her about having a second daughter wasn't true" and i was like so you said it to spite her? and he didn't answer and i just like glared at him for a long while (during this i was also having like a panic attack of sorts kind of like when you cry really hard and you start having difficulty breathing and get a bit dizzy and your heart goes weird, and twice during it he tried to hug me but i kind of just either stayed still or pushed him away) but anyway, i just said to dad that i was disappointed in him
and he was like what do you want me to do i'm not a computer
and i linked that back to the first argument we had and said yeah well that goes for us as well we can't do everything you ask us to do straight away maybe we're busy with other things first and he was like ok well tell me when you are and i'll do it and i was like ok do you promise not to get angry?? and he was like yeah
and then it just ended like that
after that i was just still in a state of disappointment with him because he avoided the topic of mum completely.
and then the other day, it was the beginning of the holidays but the context is is that my family is having lots of trouble with money at the moment - when things are stable, it's ok, but recently cars have been breaking down one after the other and then you get tensions rising with both money and family problems and then the first day of the holidays my cousin and i were cutting her dog, panda's, hair and when we put him down, there was growling and my dog rufus and panda got into a fight and panda's jaw got dislocated/broken - still not quite sure but we know it's bad because panda keeps on whining and such
that night i was like dad i think something's wrong with panda's jaw and dad was like ...no it's fine
and then the next day he was like panda's jaw is broken and i was like yeah i told you so and the problem was that surgery for panda would cost heaps of money and giving him top the rspca would still cost a few hundred, and there was also the option of putting him down
now let me first say that this is my cousin's dog and my cousin is currently in phillipines with her mum
and i'm already really hesitant as it is when it comes to money and asking for it because i know it's really difficult for them at the moment and don't want to burden them with anything and added the mounting arguments against me such as them saying that they do everything for me and i do nothing in return, so it makes me not want to ask for anything at all y'know
well i just didn't want panda to be put down because i feel like that'd be such an unfair call to make for him, because he's a young dog and for something like a broken jaw that could be fixed--- like, god y'know???
but basically it all fell to my cousin's decision as it was her dog and so i was discussing it with her on facebook and just her replies just got me so disappointed because it really felt like the only person who was really affected by everything was me and maybe even my dad but all my cousin said was "oh... well it's my mum's decision in the end"
and she kept repeating that argument and i felt so frustrated because sure it was her mum's decision but her say in it was equally important and she could persuade her mum to the choice that we both agreed was the better option e.g rspca
so then the next day we just devised a system where we feed panda soft things until we can afford to send him to the vet and that's what's been happening but basically one time my dad asked me to feed panda it was like 12pmish and usually we feed the dogs at 6ish but i didn't mind so much, i was just making my holiday plan for homework and feeling kind of stressed seeing all the things that needed to be done and i just said ok hold on i'm nearly finished when my dad got super angry again and went on another rant and somehow ended up threatening that he wouldn't support me with money and i was just like ????? then i'll have to get a part time job i guess and he just got even more angry and began saying how i never did anything for him again and how he works so hard and stuff
and i ended up getting another of those panic attacks and i just ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there and tried to calm myself down
like i knew it was partly my fault that i didn't feed panda asap but then dad and went and said those things, and like while i was in the bathroom my mum was outside the door and being angry and saying i had to apologise to dad straight away but i honestly did not feel like i did much wrong and that dad was overreacting again and i asked her to just leave me alone for a moment because i actually couldn't focus and deal with things because of the panic attack and she was like ???? and i tried to explain to her that like i was having a lot of trouble just dealing with things at the moment and she kind of scoffed and was like what are you going to kill yourself??
and that moment i just like went silent and i was so angry, i was thinking things like 'how dare you say that to me' because time and time again that's alway been the threat that mum and dad have used against me in fights, that they'd just 'kill themselves if i didn't care' and stuff and i just said that to mum
and she just kind of stormed off angrily and came back later and just kept saying i had to apologise
it's kind of still going on at the moment, like i'm lucky that i got to go camping in the first place, mum was saying she wouldn't let me go but i had already prepared food for it and stuff and in the end she let me go but on the car ride there she just kept going on about how i 'had to apologise to dad' and i 'better think about what i did' but i'm just finding it hard because i just i honestly feel like i've done nothing much wrong, i know that it's my fault i don't do things straight away and i'm always grateful for what my parents do for me and like yeah i sass and stuff but like ...... i just.......... idk make way for teenage ramblings sdfghj
my worries just remain, and i've said it to the motherhen, but it's that i feel like things just get worse and worse and the more they do i'm afraid i'll keep having these reactions to them and i end up feeling kind of like... just bad ... at the end of things and i know i'll get back to normal -- i was fine camping -- but i'm developing an apprehensiveness to coming home and seeing mum and dad
also edit about something but i went busking and the day i came home in the car like i was tired but mum launched into tons of complaints about everything bad that was happening like cars breaking down and it just made me so like i began getting really antsy and sighed really loudly and like i know mum has to vent these things but it just always happens and it never stops and i think these things do begin piling up and turn into toxicity, so anyway i sighed really loudly and mum was like what are you angry??? and i just asked her to stop and that i didn't want to hear any more and she went silent and i felt kinda bad but like.... this negativity, i feel, is so poisonous and then that night my bro called up and we had a dnm and he agreed and said that that's a huge reason why he doesn't want to come home and that usually it's hard to deal with because mum's phone calls to him are the same in that she asks about his day sometimes but after that just goes on about the bad in hers
and we don't even know what to do about it
but we just confirmed with each other that we were strong and we'd handle all this together and i think our relationship is so important and awesome :') like i owe bro a lot and he's a star and i hope he also feels better with everything that's going on with his job + girlfriend + etc
sometimes its ok but when things are bad things just seem to get worse y'know??
that's kind of a scary thing
but i know i can always find support with my friends and in the christmas spirit in the air!!!
that kind of reminds me w/ my bro but just recently, it was after busking
OH OHO HOOHHOH OMY GOD I HAVE TO TELL EVEROYNE I WENT BUSKING THIS YEAR!!!! AND IT WAS SO AMAZING WE GOT LIKE 400ISH BUCKS IN 2 DAYS AND DUUUDE WE ARE SO AMAZING ok so like WAIT OTHER PEOPLE ARE SO COOL BECAUSE LIKE THIS LADY CAME OUT WITH FRESH JUICE and i think we were singing outside some kind of legal firm or something but she came out and was like 'hey kids if it gets too hot outside you're welcome to come in any time :)' and AAAAAAAAAAA oh my god ;;; it was just so beautiful and just such preciousness is what makes everything worthwhile!! also we were busking with the song 'cant help falling in love with you' and some dude just was walking past and SANG REALLY GOOD AND AFTER THE SONG ENDED HE WAS SLOWLY WALKING AND WE LIKE CLAPPED FOR HIM BECAUSE HIS VOICE WAS ACTUALLY AMAZING
also CAN I JUST SAY LIKE do u guys remember how i like am so :') at my jap teacher well HE'S SO AWESOME ;; CRY OMG so like during the term we were talking about pokemon once and he was telling me how like when he goes to japan in 2019ish ??? he's gonna have to buy lots of pokemon stuff for his son because his son has become obsessed with pokemon and ;; HIS FAITH he was like 'hey you'll be there' and i literally was like ;;;;;;;;;;; YOUR FAITH IN ME ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and was like 'SIR YUO HAEV TO COME VISIT ME' and he was like oh for sure we've never been to kyushu before so :))) and i was like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and i was just really happy ;;; WHAT A ;;;; WHAT A MAN ;;;;; like
i don't want to settle for anything less than studying in japan and i will try my very best this coming year, 2016
OOOH HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS ABOUT UMBRELLA???
as part of an initiative (as captain i guess you could say, but in general for what the school lacks), with the help of friends we organised a mental health awareness + support group called Umbrella and it's called Umbrella because mental health is often related to clouds above your head/rain but Umbrella will be there to support you along the way y'know
haha well you get the gist
and i'm so happy
like it took quite a bit of organisation and seeing a bunch of teachers, setting a room up for meetings to take place and making a plan for meetings and on each meeting, figuring out what to talk about and what to focus on in terms of goals and such but i'm so happy and glad because we actually have quite a few people coming along to join the club on wednesday lunch times and recently for festivus (which was amazing it had sumo wrestling griffo vs anstey and GRIFFO WON and i was supporting him the whole way against rabia who supported anstey /lols, and performances and awesome stalls) and ok recently for festivus umbrella sold hot and cold drinks and made like $118?? this will go towards beyond blue so!!! I'm SO HAPPY because man i find that pretty successful!!!
rhys is this amazing guy in the years below me but he's so passionate about everything and he just makes me so happy because of the effort he puts into stuff like he made 7 litres of ice tea which didn't end up getting sold much due to all the other drinks and people preferring hot drinks due to the surprisingly cold weather but honestly rhys is such a brave soul and volunteered to talk about his experiences with stress in one meeting
AND ALSO IT WAS SO COOL like we had a stress management meeting before exams and alumni came in and talked about stuff and so did rhys and we have minutes with the advice compiled on it and it's pinned outside on our NOTICE BOARD dO U KNO HOW COOL THAT IS but also like I'M SO HAPPY because like i hope it'll be helpful to kids !!!!! like !!! man!!!! and the COUNSELLOR WAS LIKE hey jesse i'm happy because this group is going well and thank you for your effort in making this group and i was like ;;;;;;;; I'm SO GLAD like NO PROBLEM AT ALL
and like goood OMG ALSO FOR THE UMBRELLA STALL THIS GIRL SAM VOLUNTEERED TO MAKE POSTERS AND AAAAAA THE YWERE SO BEAUTIFUL I WAS ACTUALLY SO HAPPY AND OMG I'M SO HAPPY THAT UMBRELLA HAS SO MANY PASSIONATE BEAUTIFUL HELPFUL MEMBERS LIKE WOW!!!!!!!
YEAH!!!!!
i think it's so important to recognise like all the good things that are happening outside of the house y'know and school and my friends and all the amazing things that others achieve are so worthwhile and keep me grounded
so yeah
holidays have begun and you bet your BUTTS they'll be PRODUCTIVE i have to make griffo proud with JAP WORK!!! AAAAAAAAAAA
ok but maybe not today i'm so tired today :')
tomorrow/// I WILL DO A LOT .......
YEAH
WISH ME LUCK>!??!?!?!?! (i don't need luck i have DETERMINATION aaaa that reminds me undertale is a good game and i'm learning new americana by halsey (AWESOME SINGER MAN) on the piano and one punch man + haikyuu season 2 IS WHAT ENRICHES MY SOUL AAA and yeah nice BD)
see you and i hope everyone has AMAZING things come to then in the end of this year and the year to come. HOPE YOU SMILE HEAPS TODAY!!!! and don't worry about me too much if you are... i just need to get things off my chest sometimes and talk to people and i'll be fine, i'm a spry youth
i'm really tired man
came back from an AWESOME camping trip today but basically we swam so much and body-boarding is actually so fun and i've come to appreciate the safety of lit roads and stable ground after walking to 海's house at 9pm and coming back down a cliff and feeling like a baby deer the whole way squatting and tightly sweatily gripping 海's offered hand and arriving back at the campsite at 11
save me from hell
ummm so on another note
things have been hectic, i guess
even just now, writing it up here like this makes me tired but not in that physical way /sigh
i guess i'll start from the start seeing as i'll have to as i haven't posted anything about it here or really, anything at all on here, in ages
so it began probably the day before i went to the doctors one day with a container of oatmeal at the ready for morning travels because i'm dedicated to my oatmeal
but the night before there was some kind of fight between my parents just over something really silly like it usually is and in the car on the way to the doctors my mum was the driver and she as always after these kind of things she was like, "do u see how he treats me jesse??' and i was like yea....... but like usually what i used to say was "all you have to do is just like talk to him??? try not to rise to his anger and just talk calmly???" because the fault lies in both in that they allow things to escalate so much with their words
and then mum kind of shut up and after a while she told me this thing that was perfect in time for module a of exams with english - 'discovery'
iunno man trigger alert if ur having family issues or something or you just don't really want to deal with this kind of stuff but i learnt that my dad cheated on my mum and left the family when bro was 5 and it still feels like to me that i make a big deal out of it sometimes but on the other hand the interaction between my mum and my dad affect me and my brother a great deal so maybe i'm justified
but basically when i found that out i was just so disappointed
of course my mum was like 'yeah but if there's one thing i can't fault him for it's him trying to provide for you and joey so don't get angry at ur dad u have to stay the same' and i was like ://// [angst intensifies] and iunno i just felt kinda :/ especially because like i can see how mum probably can't bring herself to try and communicate with dad when he never made the effort for her
i don't really know how her complaints went in full chronological order but they just made me so sad and angry at dad, and she also confided in me one of the things that dad said to her about having a 'second daughter' with that woman he cheated on before, and apparently he said this to her during this time when -- i don't think i ever mentioned it here? it's all a blur to me because i don't know it was a bad time --- but i used to like, scratch myself? they weren't full cuts but i used to try to injure myself and during that time apparently my mum and dad had a big fight and one thing i remember was crying in front of our christmas tree and mum leaving for work angrily and dad gone and joey coming in to try and cheer me up and saying something akin to 'if you think dad will care about what you're doing you're wrong, you just need to show him you're not affected'
but anyway dad said that he didn't care what happened to me if i killed myself or whatnot because he had a second daughter anyway
and mum said she couldn't forgive him for that
so in that car ride to the doctors i was just kind of like haha oh because i guess it just forced me to see things in a different perspective like 'ah that's why bro said that to me' and i began to really just :/ at my dad
i found that i still was grateful for everything that dad has done for me
but those actions of his do not justify the abuse that has constantly appeared through other actions
so in that fight that mum and dad had, i was fighting with dad - he asked me to take out the bins and i said i'd do it later because i was busy doing homework and he just got super angry and went on the argument that i never did anything for him and such and then he went and took out the bins himself and imo became really petty like a few days into the week my light stopped working and i was acting normally around dad, he was ignoring me and i asked for a new light and he said to go find one myself and i was like ok and tried to but couldn't find one and he was like oh well you're going to have to deal and i was like ok lol i'll do hw in joey's room instead
and then i was at my computer one day after the whole shenanigans of learning about the whole 'secret' and stuff, he like went up to me and was pretty ok and his reasoning for being angry that i hadn't taken out the bins was that we have some shady neighbours and going out in daylight is safer than at night and sure ok, i said sorry and that i'd keep that in mind next time but also that he should be understanding when i have homework and don't want to be disturbed
and then he just replied with that argument like no it only takes like 10 minutes just do it and got angry again and like exited the room
and i was like .......... and then i went out and just confronted him and was like yeah well i'm upset about another thing, i know that you cheated on mum
and he was like -silence- that's none of your business that's only between me and her
and i was like no it is my business because you're my dad and what you do affects everyone in the family
and then he got really defensive and was going like what do you want me to do??? kill myself??? don't worry i know you hate me i'll go live somewhere else soon anyway
and i was like ??????? ummmmmm how about saying sorry to mum?? i don't hate you??? literally what you are doing is running away from your problems and not solving anything
and he was like no i can't do that
and i was like why not
and he was like you'll understand when you're an adult
and i was like frankly dad, i don't see any adults in this room right now
and he was like i can't say sorry if i don't mean it
and i was like ??? well maybe this isn't for you maybe this is for mum
and he was like no it won't do anything
and i was like how do you know you haven't even tried anything
and he just wouldn't budge and so i just sighed really loudly and was like then can you at least try to stop fighting with her? and he was like she makes me say things!!!! and i was like uh huh right and he was like "but what i told her about having a second daughter wasn't true" and i was like so you said it to spite her? and he didn't answer and i just like glared at him for a long while (during this i was also having like a panic attack of sorts kind of like when you cry really hard and you start having difficulty breathing and get a bit dizzy and your heart goes weird, and twice during it he tried to hug me but i kind of just either stayed still or pushed him away) but anyway, i just said to dad that i was disappointed in him
and he was like what do you want me to do i'm not a computer
and i linked that back to the first argument we had and said yeah well that goes for us as well we can't do everything you ask us to do straight away maybe we're busy with other things first and he was like ok well tell me when you are and i'll do it and i was like ok do you promise not to get angry?? and he was like yeah
and then it just ended like that
after that i was just still in a state of disappointment with him because he avoided the topic of mum completely.
and then the other day, it was the beginning of the holidays but the context is is that my family is having lots of trouble with money at the moment - when things are stable, it's ok, but recently cars have been breaking down one after the other and then you get tensions rising with both money and family problems and then the first day of the holidays my cousin and i were cutting her dog, panda's, hair and when we put him down, there was growling and my dog rufus and panda got into a fight and panda's jaw got dislocated/broken - still not quite sure but we know it's bad because panda keeps on whining and such
that night i was like dad i think something's wrong with panda's jaw and dad was like ...no it's fine
and then the next day he was like panda's jaw is broken and i was like yeah i told you so and the problem was that surgery for panda would cost heaps of money and giving him top the rspca would still cost a few hundred, and there was also the option of putting him down
now let me first say that this is my cousin's dog and my cousin is currently in phillipines with her mum
and i'm already really hesitant as it is when it comes to money and asking for it because i know it's really difficult for them at the moment and don't want to burden them with anything and added the mounting arguments against me such as them saying that they do everything for me and i do nothing in return, so it makes me not want to ask for anything at all y'know
well i just didn't want panda to be put down because i feel like that'd be such an unfair call to make for him, because he's a young dog and for something like a broken jaw that could be fixed--- like, god y'know???
but basically it all fell to my cousin's decision as it was her dog and so i was discussing it with her on facebook and just her replies just got me so disappointed because it really felt like the only person who was really affected by everything was me and maybe even my dad but all my cousin said was "oh... well it's my mum's decision in the end"
and she kept repeating that argument and i felt so frustrated because sure it was her mum's decision but her say in it was equally important and she could persuade her mum to the choice that we both agreed was the better option e.g rspca
so then the next day we just devised a system where we feed panda soft things until we can afford to send him to the vet and that's what's been happening but basically one time my dad asked me to feed panda it was like 12pmish and usually we feed the dogs at 6ish but i didn't mind so much, i was just making my holiday plan for homework and feeling kind of stressed seeing all the things that needed to be done and i just said ok hold on i'm nearly finished when my dad got super angry again and went on another rant and somehow ended up threatening that he wouldn't support me with money and i was just like ????? then i'll have to get a part time job i guess and he just got even more angry and began saying how i never did anything for him again and how he works so hard and stuff
and i ended up getting another of those panic attacks and i just ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there and tried to calm myself down
like i knew it was partly my fault that i didn't feed panda asap but then dad and went and said those things, and like while i was in the bathroom my mum was outside the door and being angry and saying i had to apologise to dad straight away but i honestly did not feel like i did much wrong and that dad was overreacting again and i asked her to just leave me alone for a moment because i actually couldn't focus and deal with things because of the panic attack and she was like ???? and i tried to explain to her that like i was having a lot of trouble just dealing with things at the moment and she kind of scoffed and was like what are you going to kill yourself??
and that moment i just like went silent and i was so angry, i was thinking things like 'how dare you say that to me' because time and time again that's alway been the threat that mum and dad have used against me in fights, that they'd just 'kill themselves if i didn't care' and stuff and i just said that to mum
and she just kind of stormed off angrily and came back later and just kept saying i had to apologise
it's kind of still going on at the moment, like i'm lucky that i got to go camping in the first place, mum was saying she wouldn't let me go but i had already prepared food for it and stuff and in the end she let me go but on the car ride there she just kept going on about how i 'had to apologise to dad' and i 'better think about what i did' but i'm just finding it hard because i just i honestly feel like i've done nothing much wrong, i know that it's my fault i don't do things straight away and i'm always grateful for what my parents do for me and like yeah i sass and stuff but like ...... i just.......... idk make way for teenage ramblings sdfghj
my worries just remain, and i've said it to the motherhen, but it's that i feel like things just get worse and worse and the more they do i'm afraid i'll keep having these reactions to them and i end up feeling kind of like... just bad ... at the end of things and i know i'll get back to normal -- i was fine camping -- but i'm developing an apprehensiveness to coming home and seeing mum and dad
also edit about something but i went busking and the day i came home in the car like i was tired but mum launched into tons of complaints about everything bad that was happening like cars breaking down and it just made me so like i began getting really antsy and sighed really loudly and like i know mum has to vent these things but it just always happens and it never stops and i think these things do begin piling up and turn into toxicity, so anyway i sighed really loudly and mum was like what are you angry??? and i just asked her to stop and that i didn't want to hear any more and she went silent and i felt kinda bad but like.... this negativity, i feel, is so poisonous and then that night my bro called up and we had a dnm and he agreed and said that that's a huge reason why he doesn't want to come home and that usually it's hard to deal with because mum's phone calls to him are the same in that she asks about his day sometimes but after that just goes on about the bad in hers
and we don't even know what to do about it
but we just confirmed with each other that we were strong and we'd handle all this together and i think our relationship is so important and awesome :') like i owe bro a lot and he's a star and i hope he also feels better with everything that's going on with his job + girlfriend + etc
sometimes its ok but when things are bad things just seem to get worse y'know??
that's kind of a scary thing
but i know i can always find support with my friends and in the christmas spirit in the air!!!
that kind of reminds me w/ my bro but just recently, it was after busking
OH OHO HOOHHOH OMY GOD I HAVE TO TELL EVEROYNE I WENT BUSKING THIS YEAR!!!! AND IT WAS SO AMAZING WE GOT LIKE 400ISH BUCKS IN 2 DAYS AND DUUUDE WE ARE SO AMAZING ok so like WAIT OTHER PEOPLE ARE SO COOL BECAUSE LIKE THIS LADY CAME OUT WITH FRESH JUICE and i think we were singing outside some kind of legal firm or something but she came out and was like 'hey kids if it gets too hot outside you're welcome to come in any time :)' and AAAAAAAAAAA oh my god ;;; it was just so beautiful and just such preciousness is what makes everything worthwhile!! also we were busking with the song 'cant help falling in love with you' and some dude just was walking past and SANG REALLY GOOD AND AFTER THE SONG ENDED HE WAS SLOWLY WALKING AND WE LIKE CLAPPED FOR HIM BECAUSE HIS VOICE WAS ACTUALLY AMAZING
also CAN I JUST SAY LIKE do u guys remember how i like am so :') at my jap teacher well HE'S SO AWESOME ;; CRY OMG so like during the term we were talking about pokemon once and he was telling me how like when he goes to japan in 2019ish ??? he's gonna have to buy lots of pokemon stuff for his son because his son has become obsessed with pokemon and ;; HIS FAITH he was like 'hey you'll be there' and i literally was like ;;;;;;;;;;; YOUR FAITH IN ME ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and was like 'SIR YUO HAEV TO COME VISIT ME' and he was like oh for sure we've never been to kyushu before so :))) and i was like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and i was just really happy ;;; WHAT A ;;;; WHAT A MAN ;;;;; like
i don't want to settle for anything less than studying in japan and i will try my very best this coming year, 2016
OOOH HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS ABOUT UMBRELLA???
as part of an initiative (as captain i guess you could say, but in general for what the school lacks), with the help of friends we organised a mental health awareness + support group called Umbrella and it's called Umbrella because mental health is often related to clouds above your head/rain but Umbrella will be there to support you along the way y'know
haha well you get the gist
and i'm so happy
like it took quite a bit of organisation and seeing a bunch of teachers, setting a room up for meetings to take place and making a plan for meetings and on each meeting, figuring out what to talk about and what to focus on in terms of goals and such but i'm so happy and glad because we actually have quite a few people coming along to join the club on wednesday lunch times and recently for festivus (which was amazing it had sumo wrestling griffo vs anstey and GRIFFO WON and i was supporting him the whole way against rabia who supported anstey /lols, and performances and awesome stalls) and ok recently for festivus umbrella sold hot and cold drinks and made like $118?? this will go towards beyond blue so!!! I'm SO HAPPY because man i find that pretty successful!!!
rhys is this amazing guy in the years below me but he's so passionate about everything and he just makes me so happy because of the effort he puts into stuff like he made 7 litres of ice tea which didn't end up getting sold much due to all the other drinks and people preferring hot drinks due to the surprisingly cold weather but honestly rhys is such a brave soul and volunteered to talk about his experiences with stress in one meeting
AND ALSO IT WAS SO COOL like we had a stress management meeting before exams and alumni came in and talked about stuff and so did rhys and we have minutes with the advice compiled on it and it's pinned outside on our NOTICE BOARD dO U KNO HOW COOL THAT IS but also like I'M SO HAPPY because like i hope it'll be helpful to kids !!!!! like !!! man!!!! and the COUNSELLOR WAS LIKE hey jesse i'm happy because this group is going well and thank you for your effort in making this group and i was like ;;;;;;;; I'm SO GLAD like NO PROBLEM AT ALL
and like goood OMG ALSO FOR THE UMBRELLA STALL THIS GIRL SAM VOLUNTEERED TO MAKE POSTERS AND AAAAAA THE YWERE SO BEAUTIFUL I WAS ACTUALLY SO HAPPY AND OMG I'M SO HAPPY THAT UMBRELLA HAS SO MANY PASSIONATE BEAUTIFUL HELPFUL MEMBERS LIKE WOW!!!!!!!
YEAH!!!!!
i think it's so important to recognise like all the good things that are happening outside of the house y'know and school and my friends and all the amazing things that others achieve are so worthwhile and keep me grounded
so yeah
holidays have begun and you bet your BUTTS they'll be PRODUCTIVE i have to make griffo proud with JAP WORK!!! AAAAAAAAAAA
ok but maybe not today i'm so tired today :')
tomorrow/// I WILL DO A LOT .......
YEAH
WISH ME LUCK>!??!?!?!?! (i don't need luck i have DETERMINATION aaaa that reminds me undertale is a good game and i'm learning new americana by halsey (AWESOME SINGER MAN) on the piano and one punch man + haikyuu season 2 IS WHAT ENRICHES MY SOUL AAA and yeah nice BD)
see you and i hope everyone has AMAZING things come to then in the end of this year and the year to come. HOPE YOU SMILE HEAPS TODAY!!!! and don't worry about me too much if you are... i just need to get things off my chest sometimes and talk to people and i'll be fine, i'm a spry youth
Tuesday, 22 September 2015
entry 34.5
this'll be a teeny entry!!!
but today i went to a jap class dinner today and it was awesome
and on the way back, i was getting a lift home with snay and sam -- but basically griffo bought us ice cream after dinner we did a total woolies run because griffo had previously thought some ice cream shops were open but none were and yeah
and griffo made me get one [meshiagare my BUTT :( i've indulged myself so much over these holidays... brother come home so we can gym :(((] so i shared it with snay
but in the car home i was just really, really nostalgic and emotional
i was eating my third of the ice cream and looking up at the moon as it was around 8pm
and thinking
"this is what i'll remember"
looking up at the half-moon, and the burst of caramel frostiness on my tongue on the equally chilly night, and some random jazzy tune the sam had put on in the car, as well as my mouth set into a sort of half-grin because griffo reminded me/snay to finish off the booklet he gave us and that he expected it to be done and you know living up to those expectations are so fun -- and then snay and i talked a bit about the things that had happened in class for example one day i was heading out of class and motherhen was walking in front of me and then she stopped and i ran into her and made this squawking sound and i looked around and griffo was just laughing so hysterically and then i started laughing and snay started laughing and it was just like what is happening??
but just those little stories in the day that make everything worthwhile, that make other people into the story-tellers they are today who endeavour to share the wonder
the truth is though
i made up that little tidbit above, when i talked about the half-moon and ice-cream
i can't even really remember the moon if it was half or a crescent, i could look since y'know it was like an hour ago but i can't recall it that well
and just ten minutes or so after eating that ice cream, what replaced it was instead the feeling of my sore sinus as i'm sick and i'd quickly forgotten about the sweetness in place of something more immediate
i'm recording everything here because when i was thinking that, when i realised how quickly those little details slipped from my mind, i thought:
i have to write this down
because those little things float away so easily and there's literally only a year left of school, a year left of this atmosphere, of my beautiful friends who brighten my life with their 'i love you's and griffo as a teacher and friend and role model who has constantly encouraged me and pushed me forward, and little interactions with strangers around the school who fill up all the holes in between
the truth is that i won't remember many of the little details at all in a year, or a few more years
i won't remember a lot of things and that makes me so scared and excited but so scared, because god, do i adore these little details.
anyway....
jesse OUT
i'm sleepy and need to have a shower, exercise for a bit and do a bit of jap revision
see you! i hope you have an equally heart-warming day
Monday, 21 September 2015
entry 34
go out and look at the stars tonight; they're really beautiful.
and WOAH
so it's been fIVE MONTHS
and i think we all know that so much can happen in just five months, it's a goddamn long time and i'm going to list what i have to cover in this blog post right now right here: CAPTAINCY??? + my wonderful friends and soon to be closer friends god they are just BAM man/Relay for life/exams and the transition happening between year 11 and year 12 + CAMP/crushes? lol actually what crushes/japanese + goals/and other things i can't really think of right now
so
let me just
[took an intense interval including an otome game and a 45 min walk to woolies]
ummm ok so let's start by saying that i ran for school captain and honestly the thought didn't cross my mind until my friend gwizz messaged me after i liked his post about applications one day on facebook and told me to go for it
and after a while of thinking i was like yeah why not man i mean you have to do a whole speech in front of the school and go through an interview process and stuff haha oh gee but i've always had tons of things i wanted to say to the [collective] school anyway
and what did i have to lose, right?
my friends were going for it as well and i truly, from the bottom of my heart i really did believe they had so much more potential and that they needed to be recognised because they do an infinite amount for the school whereas, i guess, - compared to my friends who had solid purposes -- i felt that my purpose was flimsy. my goal in school was only ever to get to know other people and that's how i went head first into the whole application process: i just wanted to thank those people who encouraged me and supported me along the way. i wasn't so much focused on captaincy so to say, but just sending out that message of thank you and that i really loved those people for everything they'd done for me. i hope i'm not talking myself up with this, but i guess i want to say that whereas everyone else was so school orientated, so passionate about making a change - i guess my passion lied in just those people and i felt that that wasn't enough.
to be honest, i think you have to strike some kind of balance, maybe. both are equally important.
and during that application process, my train of thought was struggling with that question of "what do you want to do as a captain?" and "what would YOU bring to the role?" and then i realised that the root of it all, what i wanted to do on my most basic level was to just give back to those people who made me who i was. and i'll post my speech underneath this paragraph probably. it took heaps of discussion with motherhen and a role model, let's name her pikachu because she's like the model of awesome, the female school captain at the time, to actually flesh out my thoughts and for me it was so hard and i became very insecure along the way, surprisingly enough!
here!
.:.
i honestly wasn't nervous at all during the speech, or not nervous enough to note it down here.
it was probably the interview which took that fear away, as the interview was the scariest part. i never once attended an interview so i prepared like crazy the nights before coming up with practice questions and answers and tried to understand myself and what i stood for. i even cried when i talked about my brother, one of the questions was "who is a role model in your life" -- and it was really embarrassing because it was one of those types where your voice becomes wobbly.
so then the day came that the results were being announced and uhhhhh i had no idea how to react when the principal was like 'and the girl's captain is....' and pointed to me and i just kind of like was ??? :/ and it was SO AWKWARD because i honestly had built myself up to that day believing that my friends would get it --- i'd reinforced it to my mum and motherhen that i'd be happy if it were the others, reinforced it so that i wouldn't have to deal with any awkwardness afterwards if they thought i'd be sad because i would've honestly been totally ok if they were chosen
and then the rest of the day i was kind of in a rut and actually sort of indignant!! because i wanted so much for a certain friend to have been chosen, because i felt she deserved it so much and it was like i unfairly stole away that chance from her, maybe because i just happened to be a little more i don't know emotional or something---
so a few days after i was just so.... so upset haha and hearing the "i know you'll do well"s made me feel odd because i felt that the others would've done better, and i would've settled for vice captain at best
my mood settled down.... but then for the next few weeks i was in a constant up and down rollercoaster because i was overthinking and constantly lamenting over hypothetical situations like yeah i won't doubt it if everyone thinks someone else is more suited, i wouldn't blame them, i agree---
but NO
it took me more than it should have to realise the fact that
ok
it happened
it happened,
now you have to do the best job you can, you have to be proactive, because thinking this isn't doing anything and you need to just move on and accept it
and don't get me wrong i was grateful that people voted for me, i was utterly surprised and touched.
i still am like it felt like a dream and still sort of does
to sum it up i'm proud of myself
and writing the above kind of makes me feel icky as i'm revisiting something i'd rather not but it goes to show how far i've come, kind of thing, doesn't it?
just recently i've come to terms that it's ok to be the kind of person i am, as part of a team
i felt like a little bean in the shadow of big beans, in a role for big beans that was unsuited for little bean me
and i confided in gwizz about this and i'm so thankful i did because just his words made me so reassured and i really do feel fully happy now, and proud.
" We will shred no matter what and don't you feel like you're a little bean we're all big beans, working together to be the best together. That's what we're doing."
those words are so important, even if they might seem little to anyone reading.
:)
sooo yeah uh i. yeah!
anyway! today we all ventured to gwizz' house and worked out our team dynamics and plans and everything and it was GREAT!!!!!
SO
onto the next topic
RELAY FOR LIFE WAS SWEET AS HECK AGAIN I TALKED TO NEW PEOPLE AND IT WAS SO FUN THE GODDESS Y.C GAVE ME A PIGGY BACK AROUND A LAP AT THE PARK AND KLOCK PLAYED THE UKELELE AND WE SANG AND PEOPLE FOLLOWED US AND KIDS COMPLIMENTED US AND TEA WAS $3.50 SO NOT A BARGAIN BUT WORTH IT, have you ever even heard of prince of wales or russian caravat tea?? yes?? no???? WELL. i drank some and it was intense because i only had 3 hours of sleep because we stayed overnight at the track.
intense.
year 12.
soon.
crushes??
literally forget my past entries about jude because i have had no time to think about crushes due to studying for year 11 exams WHICH i think i did ok in!!!!! :D
well i plan to say something about it someday but not now :)
definitely in high school but not now BD
and i guess i'll expand more on my goals and my feelings towards japanese later on because i feel sick and sleepy now save me
SEE YA!!
have a lovely [insert appropriate time word] and i hope you smile a lot in the following days,
-JT!
and WOAH
so it's been fIVE MONTHS
and i think we all know that so much can happen in just five months, it's a goddamn long time and i'm going to list what i have to cover in this blog post right now right here: CAPTAINCY??? + my wonderful friends and soon to be closer friends god they are just BAM man/Relay for life/exams and the transition happening between year 11 and year 12 + CAMP/crushes? lol actually what crushes/japanese + goals/and other things i can't really think of right now
so
let me just
[took an intense interval including an otome game and a 45 min walk to woolies]
ummm ok so let's start by saying that i ran for school captain and honestly the thought didn't cross my mind until my friend gwizz messaged me after i liked his post about applications one day on facebook and told me to go for it
and after a while of thinking i was like yeah why not man i mean you have to do a whole speech in front of the school and go through an interview process and stuff haha oh gee but i've always had tons of things i wanted to say to the [collective] school anyway
and what did i have to lose, right?
my friends were going for it as well and i truly, from the bottom of my heart i really did believe they had so much more potential and that they needed to be recognised because they do an infinite amount for the school whereas, i guess, - compared to my friends who had solid purposes -- i felt that my purpose was flimsy. my goal in school was only ever to get to know other people and that's how i went head first into the whole application process: i just wanted to thank those people who encouraged me and supported me along the way. i wasn't so much focused on captaincy so to say, but just sending out that message of thank you and that i really loved those people for everything they'd done for me. i hope i'm not talking myself up with this, but i guess i want to say that whereas everyone else was so school orientated, so passionate about making a change - i guess my passion lied in just those people and i felt that that wasn't enough.
to be honest, i think you have to strike some kind of balance, maybe. both are equally important.
and during that application process, my train of thought was struggling with that question of "what do you want to do as a captain?" and "what would YOU bring to the role?" and then i realised that the root of it all, what i wanted to do on my most basic level was to just give back to those people who made me who i was. and i'll post my speech underneath this paragraph probably. it took heaps of discussion with motherhen and a role model, let's name her pikachu because she's like the model of awesome, the female school captain at the time, to actually flesh out my thoughts and for me it was so hard and i became very insecure along the way, surprisingly enough!
here!
.:.
Good morning teachers, staff and fellow students.
My name is [full name] and I would like to be elected for
school captain or vice-captain of 2016.
I’ve always loved speeches. They’re really neat. Sitting on
that hall floor, and looking at those leaders on the stage showing such a pride
in their school, having their own ambitions and understandings of what it meant
to be up here, talking like this – it made me think, “Wow, I want to be like
them.”
And for today, and as long as I am the person this school has
shaped me to be, I am one of them.
Leadership is a lot of things.
“Leadership is action, not position.” Chances are you have
definitely encountered this quote if you’ve experienced Values day, either in a
leadership role or being the one getting constantly bombarded with lollies. My
time in SRC as the secretary, a supportive role, has showed me that leadership
is the weight of responsibility, and dealing with that weight effectively. You
need to be able to manage yourself, and I believe that I do well – I’m
reliable, organised and trustworthy. You can give me a task and feel at ease
because I will get it done. At the same time, depending on the circumstances
you may have heard the “I don’t know what it is with Smith Hill kids but you do
too much by yourself” saying, and from there I learnt that leadership was
knowing when to share the workload with peers who are eager to help, because by
doing less, you can then achieve more. We can work together, to transform the
school.
Leadership is also love for the people you represent.
What’s worth mentioning is that I’m standing up here today,
when right now, this exact time probably two years ago, I was at home and
asking my brother, “Bro, seriously, how do I make friends?” and he answered,
“Sis… just be yourself…”. And then I went to my mum, asked her the same thing, and
she answered exactly the same as my brother. I was shy, and in some ways I
still am but it’s doesn’t have to be the problem I made it out to be – in that
sense I realised that the biggest enemy wasn’t any outside factor but myself. I
didn’t know that in order to really be yourself, you had to like yourself
first.
I just thought that there were so many people I wanted to
talk with: I thought, “It would be such a shame if I didn’t get to know all
these wonderful people because I was too scared to go out on a whim, out of my
comfort zone…” and I was so determined I went to the one source of stable
knowledge everyone relies on nowadays. No shame: I wiki-howed ‘how to make
friends’. Also following my mum’s other
words, was just saying hi.
A simple hello can lead to a million things right? And the smiles you get in a successful hello are always worth it.
A simple hello can lead to a million things right? And the smiles you get in a successful hello are always worth it.
So these little interactions occurred and made me incredibly
happy, I came home every day with something to tell my brother and he’d laugh
at my stories and it was fun making him laugh. And then they became consistent,
and before I knew it, I was standing a little straighter and smiling a lot more
than a little; it was the people I got to know who made each day heaps brighter.
So standing here today is a stretch from what I used to think
I could do, but if I can do it then you can too. I truly believe that each and
every one of you has so much potential. I can say that I’m proud of who I am,
and I’m proud of this school. I may be small but I have represented Smith’s
Hill in Zone cross country and in the sports gala days. I believe those
opportunities and just having a go is what connected me with the people I love
in this school today. I love this school, and being involved with it, in Vocal
Ensemble, Volunteering at the Canteen, ARC, Working Bees – because of all the
people I meet, the many different people connected by common interests.
Do you know who puts the cool in school? It’s you guys. I do
too of course, because, well, I am a part of the collective ‘you’, but you get
the gist. Love goes a long way because it says that you’ll put someone or
something else’ needs before your own and I intend to commit myself to making
this school a better place.
By getting elected as captain, I want to give back the
happiness that this school gives me every day. I want to make CLANS what it was
intended to be, along with your suggestions: a place where everyone could bond
and help one another and do activities that encouraged just that, and CLAN
specific notice boards that could be used for super cool house events, clan
info, updates from house captains… I’d also like to address mental health, and
what people would like to see improved in the school about it. I asked a
variety of people about what they’d think about a group dedicated to raising
awareness, and doing activities that could help individuals help themselves or
others, and am in the process of seeing this through. I want to encourage
everyone to give things a go, help them see that they can go far, and if that
comes from the opportunities in the school such as volunteering/charity
fundraisers/clubs that help shape their identity, I want to keep those
opportunities going , while providing more leadership opportunities.
I want to be constantly involved in the process of improving
the school, and making it a place that everyone can look forward to, every day,
like it is for me.
I’ve always loved speeches, so here I’m hoping you like my
speech.
I’ve said this once in the distance past but I’ll say it
again to all of you, it’s a good line.
“On a scale of one to ten, you’re all nines, and I’m the one
you need.”
Vote for [full name].
.:.
yeah.
i honestly wasn't nervous at all during the speech, or not nervous enough to note it down here.
it was probably the interview which took that fear away, as the interview was the scariest part. i never once attended an interview so i prepared like crazy the nights before coming up with practice questions and answers and tried to understand myself and what i stood for. i even cried when i talked about my brother, one of the questions was "who is a role model in your life" -- and it was really embarrassing because it was one of those types where your voice becomes wobbly.
so then the day came that the results were being announced and uhhhhh i had no idea how to react when the principal was like 'and the girl's captain is....' and pointed to me and i just kind of like was ??? :/ and it was SO AWKWARD because i honestly had built myself up to that day believing that my friends would get it --- i'd reinforced it to my mum and motherhen that i'd be happy if it were the others, reinforced it so that i wouldn't have to deal with any awkwardness afterwards if they thought i'd be sad because i would've honestly been totally ok if they were chosen
and then the rest of the day i was kind of in a rut and actually sort of indignant!! because i wanted so much for a certain friend to have been chosen, because i felt she deserved it so much and it was like i unfairly stole away that chance from her, maybe because i just happened to be a little more i don't know emotional or something---
so a few days after i was just so.... so upset haha and hearing the "i know you'll do well"s made me feel odd because i felt that the others would've done better, and i would've settled for vice captain at best
my mood settled down.... but then for the next few weeks i was in a constant up and down rollercoaster because i was overthinking and constantly lamenting over hypothetical situations like yeah i won't doubt it if everyone thinks someone else is more suited, i wouldn't blame them, i agree---
but NO
it took me more than it should have to realise the fact that
ok
it happened
it happened,
now you have to do the best job you can, you have to be proactive, because thinking this isn't doing anything and you need to just move on and accept it
and don't get me wrong i was grateful that people voted for me, i was utterly surprised and touched.
i still am like it felt like a dream and still sort of does
to sum it up i'm proud of myself
and writing the above kind of makes me feel icky as i'm revisiting something i'd rather not but it goes to show how far i've come, kind of thing, doesn't it?
just recently i've come to terms that it's ok to be the kind of person i am, as part of a team
i felt like a little bean in the shadow of big beans, in a role for big beans that was unsuited for little bean me
and i confided in gwizz about this and i'm so thankful i did because just his words made me so reassured and i really do feel fully happy now, and proud.
" We will shred no matter what and don't you feel like you're a little bean we're all big beans, working together to be the best together. That's what we're doing."
those words are so important, even if they might seem little to anyone reading.
:)
sooo yeah uh i. yeah!
anyway! today we all ventured to gwizz' house and worked out our team dynamics and plans and everything and it was GREAT!!!!!
SO
onto the next topic
RELAY FOR LIFE WAS SWEET AS HECK AGAIN I TALKED TO NEW PEOPLE AND IT WAS SO FUN THE GODDESS Y.C GAVE ME A PIGGY BACK AROUND A LAP AT THE PARK AND KLOCK PLAYED THE UKELELE AND WE SANG AND PEOPLE FOLLOWED US AND KIDS COMPLIMENTED US AND TEA WAS $3.50 SO NOT A BARGAIN BUT WORTH IT, have you ever even heard of prince of wales or russian caravat tea?? yes?? no???? WELL. i drank some and it was intense because i only had 3 hours of sleep because we stayed overnight at the track.
intense.
year 12.
soon.
crushes??
literally forget my past entries about jude because i have had no time to think about crushes due to studying for year 11 exams WHICH i think i did ok in!!!!! :D
well i plan to say something about it someday but not now :)
definitely in high school but not now BD
and i guess i'll expand more on my goals and my feelings towards japanese later on because i feel sick and sleepy now save me
SEE YA!!
have a lovely [insert appropriate time word] and i hope you smile a lot in the following days,
-JT!
Thursday, 30 April 2015
entry 33
is altruism real?
apparently they discussed that question in year 10 philosophy but i never did it so i guess i don't really know the answer.
smiles are simply beautiful y'know? especially when they're aimed at you! like holy crap, what some people would do to get others to smile. random ass things that's what. i'm currently eating oatmeal and the greek yoghurt ran out :')
so uhhhh
i sometimes feel like if i write stuff down here, it'll jinx me. as in i'll write something awesome that happened and then follow it up with some kind of action that makes awkwardness befall on everything else. you feel? :/
for the sake of not wanting to forget (heck i have to write about the japanese trip still but i do remember lots of things from it... god do i want to go back - but the thing is i want to go back with the class again, just for that same feeling. highschool is coming to an end, it's scary, i don't want it to end at the same time as i am excited for the end... but i just don't want to leave my year haha), here i go hey:
--------------
Me:
after gyoza right people had to clean and i just helped to gather some plates and i'm so glad i did ;;; like it was just me lenalee (*refer to february 2014), jude, let's call her ummmm lola coz she could totes pull off a saucy pin-up girl look and rock it, and snay - who were cleaning stuff up
and so we went to the staff kitchen and washed things there
and like at first jude filled the sink up with water and lola was getting a sponge and stuff but it would've took a bit of time for her to clean everything so i got another sponge and helped her clean and iunno suddenly i was cleaning and using sponges and lola and jude were drying or lola was doing something and lenalee was doing something else
and like ;; meanwhile we were talking and just making jokes like jude was like nah you don't need to rinse stuff and i was like but it's soapy man and lenalee was like yeah people are gonna eat from that
and like why did jude fill up the sink with water coz we didn't need it filled
but like we were just talking and it was nice ;;; and like jude was asking for the knife covers
so i gave them to him and like when i did i'm going to cry like his hand kind of did this thing and i s2g it's probs just me but like slowly grazed my finger i'm gonna cry but his hand was so gentle save me
and like in the moment it wasn't so !!!Ssadjdj/sob
it was more like ??
and like after that we finished washing and griffo treated us to more gyoza
Cookie:
Because he washes the dishes white people way
Omg even more haha
YOUR SHOUJO MOMENT
Graze of the hand
Me:
LOL yeah and me and lenalee and lola were joking like maybe it's just us
yeah ;;;;;;;;; and like omg so after we were walking out of the class
i was like to jude nice dancing w/ the harmony thing btw
Cookie:
Im proud of u man
Me:
and he was like hahaha thank you and i was like ;;
and then in eng ext
like iunno we were given a presentation apparently due next week tuesday and i was like what because y'know bio and music camp
when jude was like hey jesse
and i was like oh yo man and like it was across tables
and like sir bro was talking and he said something
Cookie:
Yo man...
Me:
and i couldn't hear it so i was like could u say that again
i'm paraphrasing ok ;;
Cookie:
Oh thank god
Me:
and he said it again but i couldn't hear it coz at the same time
sir bro was talking
Cookie:
I thought you actually said that
Lol it was probably "you have a lot of grey hairs"
Me:
and like i was like i can't hear you kind of in like a 'laughing coz u keep trying but sir bro keeps talking' kind of way
Cookie:
Lol i can actually imagine this happen
Me:
and he did this cute little smile om i'm /sob like he smiled in the 'i know' kind of way and i was like ;;;
and then finally after sir bro finished he was like
aren't we going to the tanken centre next week?
and i was like ?? the tanken centre? i had no idea about that
and he was like yeah apparently we might be going there next week or maybe the week after i'm not sure
Cookie:
I dont think so...
Me:
and i was like oh okay that's sweet!! and he was like :) and i was like :)
and that was it
but ;;;;;;;;
Cookie:
AWWWW HE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO ASK UN THO
Me:
YEAH I WAS JUST HTINKGIN THAT
/SOB
LIKE i had no idea i'm gonna cry he's so cudfhasdjashdfghj
omgmgmgmmg SAVE ME BRI
THE PINKY GRAZE
/DIES
Cookie:
IT'S OKAY JESSE
Me:
THE PINKY GRAZE KILLED ME
Cookie:
U gotta make more moments like this happen k
Me:
OMG I REENACTED IT WITH MY BRO
LIKE I WAS TELLING HIM THE STORY
Cookie:
Just dont force it too much
Me:
AND HE DIDN't GET IT
YES!!!! okay!!!
Cookie:
Omfg u reenacted it
Me:
i'm not sure what i'd talk to him about... but then again it's just about making friends so like just be normal huh
yeah and then my bro was like ohhhh i get you
and like he told me this story how he did that with this girl he liked once called joanne
Cookie:
Yeah treat him as a normal person
Not someone you like
Otherwise you'll get too caught up
Me:
yeah
Cookie:
Like everyone haha
Me:
your advice is really great bri-chi /sob
Cookie:
Omg joanne haha
Me:
yeah omg and so apparently it was rainy
and guess what there was only one umbrella
Cookie:
shoujo manga has showed me the ways
Frick and they went to a shrine
And he invited her to the summer festival?
Me:
and so joanne was like i'll hold it and my bro was like nah it's okay i'll hold it and like so she didn't stop holding it so he put his hand on hers and she didn't mind and then he didn't know what to do with his other arm so he put his arm around her and was like "alright we gotta battle this rain!!" and apparently it worked
yes you predicted it
you got it so right i'm in awe
bri i'm so happy ;; like we actually talk to each other a bit and it doesn't feel too awkward haha but also i'M SO EXCITED FOR THE APPARENT TANKEN CENTRE THING??? LIKE I'VE BEEN MISSING SO MUCH JAPANESE DUE TO EXCURSIONS BUT NOW WE MIGHT BE GOING ON A JAP EXCURSION I WAS actually like so happy
Cookie:
Omg this joanne chick so wanted in too haha
Tanken centre much fun such wow
It'll be cool tho cos my friends will actually be here this time haha
what weren't we there with u last time
Me:
OMG IT WOULD BE SO GOod
IT WILL BE
THE BEST
/sBp
o'm jsut still kinda :')
hsi hand was so gentle wth total shoujo moment i'm crying also i'm just a bit happy?? iunno but that he went out of his way probably not much but y'know to just tell me about the whole tanken centre deal like it's interesting coz it's different from with lachlan? like before then every time i'd talk to him it was just so taboo kinda and like his friends would be so /save me
but this is a good start like i feel like maybe y'know if i take things step by step maybe it'll be ok???
Cookie:
Last time we weren't in the same class so i was with yass, sam and claire but claire bailed out cos she had a jpn stdent
Yeh friends first man
Otherwise you might realise that he's not what you imagined him to be and then it's hard to fall back on friendship
At least that's what happened to me
Me:
yeah
wow shoujo really has done you good
and experience
;;; my beautiful precious bae
Cookie:
SHOUJO IS THE WORLD
Me:
YOU ARE THE WORLD
/SOB
Cookie:
IT HAS OPENED UP SOMUCH
...
Me:
/SOB
LOVE YOU SO MUCH /SOB
you make me so happy bri-chi /sob for your advice and listening to me and everything ;;;;;;;;;;;
Cookie:
you remind me of makita yuuri from ao haru ride hahaha
no problem, you guys have done the same
so now time for me to return
makita yuuri is that the one with the short hair
Me:
/SOB OMG
you seriously like captured my heart with that smooth baby butt line
marry me
Cookie:
yes she is hahaha
.... smooth baby butt line
PLS NO MORE
I
have been receiving too much cheesy stuff from friends
Me:
:)))))) i love it ur so cute man
smooth baby butt line
YOU ARE a smooth baby butt
BD
ao haru ride is actually so much teenage drama man
-------------
and there you go
honestly after that i was just feeling really happy and i don't know like i was looking at hamilla and smiling because her smile looked so sweet in the moment she was probs telling the bandaid some crappy pun or something but honestly
altruism huh
/smiles
(i couldn't find an emoticon that could express myself so i wrote the above instead)
have a wonderful day!
also i just wanna say i'm so excited because i'm going to zone and i got 100% on my japanese test so i'm really proud!
bye!!
apparently they discussed that question in year 10 philosophy but i never did it so i guess i don't really know the answer.
smiles are simply beautiful y'know? especially when they're aimed at you! like holy crap, what some people would do to get others to smile. random ass things that's what. i'm currently eating oatmeal and the greek yoghurt ran out :')
so uhhhh
i sometimes feel like if i write stuff down here, it'll jinx me. as in i'll write something awesome that happened and then follow it up with some kind of action that makes awkwardness befall on everything else. you feel? :/
for the sake of not wanting to forget (heck i have to write about the japanese trip still but i do remember lots of things from it... god do i want to go back - but the thing is i want to go back with the class again, just for that same feeling. highschool is coming to an end, it's scary, i don't want it to end at the same time as i am excited for the end... but i just don't want to leave my year haha), here i go hey:
--------------
Me:
after gyoza right people had to clean and i just helped to gather some plates and i'm so glad i did ;;; like it was just me lenalee (*refer to february 2014), jude, let's call her ummmm lola coz she could totes pull off a saucy pin-up girl look and rock it, and snay - who were cleaning stuff up
and so we went to the staff kitchen and washed things there
and like at first jude filled the sink up with water and lola was getting a sponge and stuff but it would've took a bit of time for her to clean everything so i got another sponge and helped her clean and iunno suddenly i was cleaning and using sponges and lola and jude were drying or lola was doing something and lenalee was doing something else
and like ;; meanwhile we were talking and just making jokes like jude was like nah you don't need to rinse stuff and i was like but it's soapy man and lenalee was like yeah people are gonna eat from that
and like why did jude fill up the sink with water coz we didn't need it filled
but like we were just talking and it was nice ;;; and like jude was asking for the knife covers
so i gave them to him and like when i did i'm going to cry like his hand kind of did this thing and i s2g it's probs just me but like slowly grazed my finger i'm gonna cry but his hand was so gentle save me
and like in the moment it wasn't so !!!Ssadjdj/sob
it was more like ??
and like after that we finished washing and griffo treated us to more gyoza
Cookie:
Because he washes the dishes white people way
Omg even more haha
YOUR SHOUJO MOMENT
Graze of the hand
Me:
LOL yeah and me and lenalee and lola were joking like maybe it's just us
yeah ;;;;;;;;; and like omg so after we were walking out of the class
i was like to jude nice dancing w/ the harmony thing btw
Cookie:
Im proud of u man
Me:
and he was like hahaha thank you and i was like ;;
and then in eng ext
like iunno we were given a presentation apparently due next week tuesday and i was like what because y'know bio and music camp
when jude was like hey jesse
and i was like oh yo man and like it was across tables
and like sir bro was talking and he said something
Cookie:
Yo man...
Me:
and i couldn't hear it so i was like could u say that again
i'm paraphrasing ok ;;
Cookie:
Oh thank god
Me:
and he said it again but i couldn't hear it coz at the same time
sir bro was talking
Cookie:
I thought you actually said that
Lol it was probably "you have a lot of grey hairs"
Me:
and like i was like i can't hear you kind of in like a 'laughing coz u keep trying but sir bro keeps talking' kind of way
Cookie:
Lol i can actually imagine this happen
Me:
and he did this cute little smile om i'm /sob like he smiled in the 'i know' kind of way and i was like ;;;
and then finally after sir bro finished he was like
aren't we going to the tanken centre next week?
and i was like ?? the tanken centre? i had no idea about that
and he was like yeah apparently we might be going there next week or maybe the week after i'm not sure
Cookie:
I dont think so...
Me:
and i was like oh okay that's sweet!! and he was like :) and i was like :)
and that was it
but ;;;;;;;;
Cookie:
AWWWW HE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO ASK UN THO
Me:
YEAH I WAS JUST HTINKGIN THAT
/SOB
LIKE i had no idea i'm gonna cry he's so cudfhasdjashdfghj
omgmgmgmmg SAVE ME BRI
THE PINKY GRAZE
/DIES
Cookie:
IT'S OKAY JESSE
Me:
THE PINKY GRAZE KILLED ME
Cookie:
U gotta make more moments like this happen k
Me:
OMG I REENACTED IT WITH MY BRO
LIKE I WAS TELLING HIM THE STORY
Cookie:
Just dont force it too much
Me:
AND HE DIDN't GET IT
YES!!!! okay!!!
Cookie:
Omfg u reenacted it
Me:
i'm not sure what i'd talk to him about... but then again it's just about making friends so like just be normal huh
yeah and then my bro was like ohhhh i get you
and like he told me this story how he did that with this girl he liked once called joanne
Cookie:
Yeah treat him as a normal person
Not someone you like
Otherwise you'll get too caught up
Me:
yeah
Cookie:
Like everyone haha
Me:
your advice is really great bri-chi /sob
Cookie:
Omg joanne haha
Me:
yeah omg and so apparently it was rainy
and guess what there was only one umbrella
Cookie:
shoujo manga has showed me the ways
Frick and they went to a shrine
And he invited her to the summer festival?
Me:
and so joanne was like i'll hold it and my bro was like nah it's okay i'll hold it and like so she didn't stop holding it so he put his hand on hers and she didn't mind and then he didn't know what to do with his other arm so he put his arm around her and was like "alright we gotta battle this rain!!" and apparently it worked
yes you predicted it
you got it so right i'm in awe
bri i'm so happy ;; like we actually talk to each other a bit and it doesn't feel too awkward haha but also i'M SO EXCITED FOR THE APPARENT TANKEN CENTRE THING??? LIKE I'VE BEEN MISSING SO MUCH JAPANESE DUE TO EXCURSIONS BUT NOW WE MIGHT BE GOING ON A JAP EXCURSION I WAS actually like so happy
Cookie:
Omg this joanne chick so wanted in too haha
Tanken centre much fun such wow
It'll be cool tho cos my friends will actually be here this time haha
what weren't we there with u last time
Me:
OMG IT WOULD BE SO GOod
IT WILL BE
THE BEST
/sBp
o'm jsut still kinda :')
hsi hand was so gentle wth total shoujo moment i'm crying also i'm just a bit happy?? iunno but that he went out of his way probably not much but y'know to just tell me about the whole tanken centre deal like it's interesting coz it's different from with lachlan? like before then every time i'd talk to him it was just so taboo kinda and like his friends would be so /save me
but this is a good start like i feel like maybe y'know if i take things step by step maybe it'll be ok???
Cookie:
Last time we weren't in the same class so i was with yass, sam and claire but claire bailed out cos she had a jpn stdent
Yeh friends first man
Otherwise you might realise that he's not what you imagined him to be and then it's hard to fall back on friendship
At least that's what happened to me
Me:
yeah
wow shoujo really has done you good
and experience
;;; my beautiful precious bae
Cookie:
SHOUJO IS THE WORLD
Me:
YOU ARE THE WORLD
/SOB
Cookie:
IT HAS OPENED UP SOMUCH
...
Me:
/SOB
LOVE YOU SO MUCH /SOB
you make me so happy bri-chi /sob for your advice and listening to me and everything ;;;;;;;;;;;
Cookie:
you remind me of makita yuuri from ao haru ride hahaha
no problem, you guys have done the same
so now time for me to return
makita yuuri is that the one with the short hair
Me:
/SOB OMG
you seriously like captured my heart with that smooth baby butt line
marry me
Cookie:
yes she is hahaha
.... smooth baby butt line
PLS NO MORE
I
have been receiving too much cheesy stuff from friends
Me:
:)))))) i love it ur so cute man
smooth baby butt line
YOU ARE a smooth baby butt
BD
ao haru ride is actually so much teenage drama man
-------------
and there you go
honestly after that i was just feeling really happy and i don't know like i was looking at hamilla and smiling because her smile looked so sweet in the moment she was probs telling the bandaid some crappy pun or something but honestly
altruism huh
/smiles
(i couldn't find an emoticon that could express myself so i wrote the above instead)
have a wonderful day!
also i just wanna say i'm so excited because i'm going to zone and i got 100% on my japanese test so i'm really proud!
bye!!
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