entry 29

so today i realised i was proud of myself :)))) (though i'm not proud of the fact that i haVE NOT RETOLD THE STORIES OF JAPAN BECAUSE THAT WAS LIKE THE BEST WEEKS OF MY LIFE AND I HAVEN'T BOTHERED TO WRITE ABOUT THEM??? when the holiday comes i swear to god i will write about it all, i'm gonna stick a post-it note to my toilet so every time i go take a dump it's staring at me and i get uncomfortable and inclined to actually do it)

and, well, it was interesting coz this is kind of a week of stress for me. i have this science presentation to wing, a pe dance to follow up on because i didn't get to do it before japan and now my pe teacher looks at me with this meaningful look that makes me nervous, i have a maths test on wednesday and a drama script to memorise seeing as i have this kind of main role as this kid called Billie who acts like a pirate - and this is for Youth Theatre and we're gonna go performing around random primary schools in a couple of weeks, so I SHOULD really get onto those...

and also dragO NAGEG INQUSITUINTON COMES OUT IN 3 DAYS /SCREAMS. 3 days could not be any longer, I swear. it's a kind of pleasurable pain, you know? ;v; /wistful sigh. so close yet so far.

but today i found out that i got the highest mark in my class for my japanese presentation and i was really happy, hehe. it was funny because during the presentation, i panicked and paused during my speech (it was this speech about a monster you have to make up - describing the monster's personality and appearance - i came up with this rabbit thing that had lots of legs and ate children after drinking orange juice at the park - like imagine this lil cute rabbit thang popping up from behind the bushes but as the bush trembles and it begins to reveal itself you get the feeling that something is horribly wrong and BAM THE LIL BUNNY HAS A THOUSAND SPIDER LEGS/ENEMONIE (sp????) LIKE LEGS AND CHILLS RUN DOWN YOUR BACK AND SUDDENLY IT NYOOMS TOWARDS YOU WITH LIGHTNING SPEED and ur ded

yeah that was my monster

but anyway i got nervous and me and my friends were talking about nervous habits one day and she said that i had the habit of jumping around/releasing my energy in that way and i was like ye and well that's what i did like i began jumping around and going "holD ON I KNOW THIS" and everyone laughed and i was happy that people laughed and well yeah that happened

and today we were given our marks and that dude jude was like sir who got the top mark and sir was like well.. no one..... but jesse got the highest at 19.5 and za was like did she lose half a mark because she started jumping and everyone laughed again and sir was like yes that (but it was because i paused) but hehe i'm okay with that!!!!

i've also been exercising and getting better at holding my times and extending the time on the treadmill - my highest that i can recount is going at 10km 3% incline for around 7 mins non-stop? and then my highest speed is 11km but at like either 5% incline or 2% but either way, i'm proud. I can also do push ups now with relative ease and i'm very happy, i just gotta learn how to do the triangle push-up things but yeah. i'm really happy.

i haven't been updating much and partly, that's due to so many things happening at the same time but you know, even the friendly-acquaintance stories - i used to be so "CRAP I HAVE TO UPDATE!! SOMETHING HAPPENED TODAY!!!" but y'see things like this have been happening so often that i haven't had time to update and that's an interesting thing to note, i reckon, hehe. i'll see what i can do about sharing them as they pop up though!!

also SRC CAMP:

this huge wall of text is a summary, good luck to anyone who'd even wanna read it all:

------

src camp was AMAZING!!!!!
I MADE FRIENDS WITH THIS RLY CUTE ASIAN

GIRL HER NAME IS ANGELYN SHE'S LIKE MY

LIL SIS I S2G SHE
IS SO ADORABLE
and EVERYONE WAS JUST GREAT
AND IT WAS SO COOL!!
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:28
Brianna
Omg... angel
not angel
anyone but angel haha
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:29
Jesse
yeah, claire called me up yesterday at

midnight and we talked and i researched

some things and we came up with ways to

go about comforting her
whaaaat angel is so cute!
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:30
Brianna
I'm glad she has people who she can

depend on. You guys are the best haha
she's an interesting character
did you get closer to the girl reps?
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:30
Jesse
yeah, and i'm really glad everyone in the

year is so caring!
i... i think i did............ it was

really...

weird....................................

....
like at night we were all talking about

"girl stuff" you know and i was kinda

silent coz they all had their inside

jokes and i did admittedly feel kinda

like a third wheel and it was weird coz i

felt a bit more comfortable with the guys than

the girls
but
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:32
Brianna
Yeah, I see what you mean
I should have said something to squizz

asking to include you a bit more
Well at least you have made closer

friends!~
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:32
Jesse
i ended up telling them about canoe guy

and they were telling me about their

experiences and stuff and they ended up

fangirling so hard about my story and

shiz and we all ended up talking about

how my group was kinda isolated and it

was really nice because they all were so

enthusiastic about wanting the other

people in the year to get to know the

group better
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:33
Jesse
hehe oh bri-chi you are just beautiful
we did warm and fuzzies
if you were there i think i would've run

out of paper with the things i have to

say B)))))))))))))))))
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:35
Jesse
i think one of the sweetest things that

was said to me on my warm and fuzzies was

how omoiyari said he truly considered me

a mate and that he was thankful for that

i was reading it on the way home and i

teared up and then when i got home i was

like you know i still have so many things

to say, my warm and fuzzy was kinda short

so let's write a lil letter thing
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:35
Jesse
so now i have a lil letter to give

omoiyari /nods coz there was that time in

japan when he asked me to help him with

his self intro and i felt so honoured and

that one time when i was in his intro

drama class and i told him he was like my

bro but didn't expand on it so i think he

got weirded out but in my letter i

explained what i meant
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:36
Jesse
so it's all g now /nods
I AM SO READY FOR EVERYTHING
also i became the src secretary
i have to take minutes and everything and

honestly it's pretty intense
IT WAS REALLY WEIRD BRI-CHI MY SRC CAMP

EXPERIENCE IS A MESS
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:37
Brianna
Omg, they all sound so nice QQ
like a beautiful family
you guys are all really close now and

that's so good
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:38
Jesse
!!!!!! IT'S SO EXCITING I'M SO EXCITED!!!
yeah and MM tenshi and squiz was like

jesse u have to USE ur connections
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:38
Brianna
warm and fuzzies make me cry
omg, SECRETARY THOUGH
THAT'S A BIG RESPONSIBILITY
aawww, and you and omoiyari
01/11/2014 22:39
Brianna
I'm sure he'd be touched by your letter
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:39
Jesse
YEAH I KNOW
!! AND the reason i went for secretary in

the first place
was because omoiyari actually said he

thought i'd make a good secretary
Jesse Tran
01/11/2014 22:39
Jesse
and told me about it and stuff and i was
really surprised
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:40
Brianna
i'm so proud of you QQ
Such a big job
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:41
Jesse
yeah, today i spent the day compiling the

minutes and i finished and i'm happy
deputybro is my lil deputy secretary bro

he's so cool man
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:42
Brianna
omg deputybro
he's so swag
and cool
and kool
and swag
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:42
Jesse
yeah, he played the guitar
we had a karaoke night
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:42
Brianna
do you have to do that every week?
did you sing
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:43
Jesse
yeah i do
yeah i did but it was group singing B)
although the camp was this huge

conference of ideas and there was just

everything
so i think in the little meetings,

there'll be a tad less work to do
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:45
Brianna
aww, you should have gone solo
and awed everyone with your singing

skillz
did you get closer to dbunks and cbell?
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:46
Jesse
squizz was constantly hinting at it but

we all sang together anyway B)
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:46
Brianna
and did you share the 2 ply toilet paper

idea
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:46
Jesse
yeah it was so cool!! ACTUALLY CBELL

SHARED THE 2 PLY TOILET PAPER IDEA I

THINK I WAS LIKE HECKIE YEAH MAN
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:46
Brianna
OMG YASSS
FINALLY
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:46
Jesse
apparently the src have been trying to

get two ply ever since
it's just never happened and it's not a

main priority so i guess we'll see what

happens LOL
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:47
Brianna
omg yasss my dreams are coming true
:< so sad
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:47
Jesse
LOL finally, you get to wipe ur butt with

silky smoothness
dw i may be able to smuggle some 2 ply

just for u
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:47
Brianna
thanks, that would be appreciated
and maybe some scented thingos in the

toilet
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:47
Jesse
i didn't talk to dbunks much but i defs

talked to cbell more and we sat next to

each other and it was pretty funny there

were jokes
his warm and fuzzie to me was also super

nice /sob
LOL
sure
maybe some scented hand crafted soap
Brianna
01/11/2014 22:48
Brianna
made from goats milk
Jesse
01/11/2014 22:49
Jesse
I ACTUALLY HAVE SOAP MADE FROM COCONUT

AND BANANA
IT SMELLS SOOOO GOOD

-----

and yeah that should be a summary and the names are censored like usual. hopefully. omoiyari told me the letter was beautiful and it was really funny hehe. and there's more to come later, but i should get ready for school tomorrow!

bye friends, i hope smiles light up all ur pretty faces and everything good happens to you!!

ALSO I WENT TO BBALL LAST WEEK AND PLAN TO GO AGAIN THIS WEEK /SCREAMS

also i've introduced katie to oatmeal AND dragon age and she loves both /CACKLES MANIACALLY

ah, oatmeal <3

my friends ellie and claire made a bet i'd get sick of oatmeal by next year but i won't

just u guys see

B)

entry 23

rebecca is a bronze butt.

science was hella.

in basketball today, after the game ended and we all shook hands with the opposing team, this girl - number 6 - went up to me and was like hey you were really fast! and i was like ???? and she was like you were really good and i just ;v; because our team lost (but we're getting better??? maybe) but she smiled and left and i was like ;v; THAT'S SO nicE /sOB ahh wow

but anyway sCIENCE IS so fun nowadays

bronze butt keeps drawing on my science book though but we're doing this tally on every time our teacher says 'isn't that true'

it's been two days since i made this draft and i've been talking to a lot of random people lately but now it feels normal to be doing that so that's why i haven't documented each and every one

odd, right? :D

i said hello and goodbye to this dude today in non-sports

and i've been talking to bronze butt more and we're pretty good friends now if i say so myself

and i've been saying hello to random people

and i've got a new plan. my plans are always made up really abruptly but it's to do with canoe guy.

but before that it's really funny because i have science and geography with him and i'm not good at science except for biology and we're doing physics and that's like maths and science put together and deaR LORD but i don't like geograpyh either and yet

i look forward to them

i'm so weird

anyway

the plan.

it's 5 steps; 5 things.

today i went to the doctor and he asked me what the most beautiful thing in the world was (it was a really abrupt question and idek why he asked it and it caught me off-guard until finally-) and i answered 'relationships'. family, friends, lovers /shrugs. all of that is beautiful. and he said it was a really smart answer. ??? i don't know why he asked me that but yeah that was just a thing today.

anyway, the plan.

oh wait, before that: this BEAUTIFUL quote:

"I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying 'kiss me harder' and 'you're a good person' and 'you brighten my day'. I live my life as straightforward as possible. Because one day I might get hit by a bus. Maybe it's weird. Maybe it's scary. Maybe it seems impossible to just be - to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands. But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate. And nothing is more risky than pretending not to care. We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise from ourselves and other humans. We never know when the bus is coming."

yes.

also today i went to see the school play and it was adorable so many otps and shipping and ahh

and this girl said hi to me today!! (i edited this part because apparently her nickname is meerkat but i don't know wHAT THAT REFERS TO OR ANYTHING??? OR WAIT NO I DO NOW okay so her name is meerkat and she's really cool and nice i wanna get to know her better!! :D)

and i talked to this girl today as well let's call her chia

and we were talking about the school play because at the end there was a gay couple, these two dudes and they were getting married along with all the other couples and when they kissed the audience let out this huge cheer and chia was like

oH YEAH LOL they weren't actually supposed to kiss

and i was like woah, so it was unplanned?

and she was like haha yeah!

and well

/shimmies

rOMANCE

or rather

acTING

because i think one of the dudes has a gf but

it was pretty adorable, all the couples hehe.

sooo. the plan. /laughs.

uHM sooo firstly i may be a masochist and i s2g baNDAID dON't YOU DARE BRING THIS UP but this is probably going to work as reverse psychology but i FCUKIGN sWEAR.

but let me explain lol.

i do really spontaneous things and i don't know what they lead to at first but after i do them i have this period of aH HECKIE DOODLE SNAP WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT. but then there's this little part of me going

hehehehe (imagine a twisted voice laughing)

isn't this interesting though?

and then that same part goes

you've done it now so yolo it man, do the yolo

and it shimmies at me and well

that's how everything's been going so far, heh.

uHM BUT:

'Well, I've read through four entries now and I'm just going to say.. You've really changed since I met you tbh. You used to be super shy (remember when you couldn't talk to Brandon haha) but now you've opened up to so many people and I think, "oh my god, that's OUR JESSE!" It was pretty amazing to me.'

um yes that maybe made my night... /flops forever

and UHM IT IS 11/3/14 now and i was writing this yesterday but now i'll tell you guys about the plan because i did an important thing today.

step 1: /laughs nervously.
well, okay this step was basically.. y'know that feeling you get when you see the sun rise or set? or maybe when you're out at night and see the stars in the sky without light pollution clouding most of them. it's maybe a feeling of 'wow' lol but mostly it's the warmth. you know, that warm feeling? i don't know how to explain it in much detail hehe, but yeah. uhm.... well can you feel what's coming up, readers? guess why i'm telling this to you but if you can't then you'll find out when i recount what happened today haha.
step 2: i like you lel
step 3: i'm also gonna get over u
step 4: so in order to do that i want to get to know you haHA weird rIGHT (you'll see my reasoning tho hah)
step 5: on uhm, tuesdays y'know how you walk alone and we both walk the same way y'know just if you want to then do you maybe want to walk with me

i look back at this plan now and iunno why it seemed to great but ????

so

after science today, i said goodbye to claire and bec and i have no idea where chanse went she's very elusive

obviously you guys should know he walks the same way i do as always and well he was about 2 metres in front of me and started talking to sam who is heLLA rad (he's in my acting class) - i think i've mentioned him before and i'd like to get to know him more hehe but um

i kind of faltered there but not really? it's an odd feeling to be hesitant of disturbing someone but sam eventually started talking to his other friend and canoe guy was just straying off to the side and getting his bus pass out when i went up to him and was like hey, /insert name and he was like oh, hey

and i was like okay so, i have five things to tell you

and he looked amused and was like, what are these five things?

and we started walking down the stairs to the canteen

before i began on step one i was like okay so this is mostly me improvising...

and then i began talking about sunsets and sunrises and i was rambling to him and then he interrupted and was like 'sunsets don't rise y'know' and i gave him this 'omg' look and he grinned and was like haha sorry. i haven't seen a sunset in a while but i think i get what you mean.

and i was like hm.. and for some reason i could get the words out of my mouth so i panicked slightly and said

hey, i know a better way to say this

and he was like ?

and i said

i don't like science. and i'm terrible at geography, haha. but i look forward to them anyway.

and then i kind of smiled sheepishly and was like, number two!

and i was like this is kind of...

and at that point he'd gone into this maybe anticipating silence as if he felt like he knew what was coming

and i was like /sigh okay well i really like you

and he went silent for a moment.

his head was bowed and he was smiling as he said thank you

'thank you'

jfc

but then number three -

i began with: don't worry though! number three, well, haha i'm uh.. i'm going to get over you

and i didn't give him much time to respond as we finally walked down the stairs to the bus stops and went right into step four. i said, ummm so in order to do this i want to get to know you (or maybe i didn't say this because my memory is fuzzy for some reason /sob) and well

i was like so on tuesdays..

and we were both standing there and he was like, tuesdays?

so i kind of nodded and was like.. uhm, on tuesdays.. if you want - and by this point i was looking away and my hand had come up to my face haha nervous habit - since we walk the same way, wanna walk with me? if you want--

and then he nodded

and smiled and i don't know what to think of that smile

and i think he was like sure

and then i was like

o..okay... see ya

because i'm pretty sure he needed to get to his bus

but his smile was present as he said bye

and well. yeah.

in the afternoon (it's 11pm right now) i was still jittery and especially when ruby told me that he'd probably think about me a lot afterwards

haha

right.

and then i got really haHAHAHAHAhahahdhasdahdfwqeWQe?? about the fact that i really don't know if i can keep my word about getting over him or not, haha. and i have geography and science tomorrow and just those words remind me how i said i look forward to those classes because of him and HahAHaha oh dear lord i'm too.... i say these things and they're terrible ;;

and that's when i told my cookie friend, who i will affectionately label forever as cookie, and she's seriously like iunno my informer of random things because she's kinda 'in' with a lot of people

but

so basically

firstly this happened:

'Actually
On Sunday at volunteering /lenalee/ asked me if you liked him well i'm gonna get over him/shimmies and i just like shrugged uhm but i think and she said /lenalee/ would go well with him that /canoeguy/ kinda feels obliged to talk to you or whatever idk nooo, she doesn't like him she just asked because you and claire walked passed us and i was like "oh looks it's jesse and claire" i think /fish/ and /canoeguy/ have spoken to her about it that's interesting i wonder how i'm going to fix that thanks for telling me bri /kisses ur forehead'

and uhm i had this feeling of dread throughout that whole convo LOL and i'm really not as calm as i portray to dear cookie and then this came second:

Ah Jesse Tran 18:45 Jesse Tran ye Claire 18:45 Claire That's a little bit bad Jesse Tran 18:45 Jesse Tran a little bit yeah UM SO huh. maybe i should just not now? i mean the tuesday thing wOULD JUST MAKE HIM FEEL EVEN MORE OBLIGATEd SHIT claire i did not expect this so i don't know what to do Claire 18:46 Claire Look, don't worry about it. You've done the plan, and the way he reacted was wonderful. Jesse Tran 18:46 Jesse Tran not sure even your wisdom will help me nuy but obligated claire that's claire obligated he'll feel even more obligated now the tuesday thing fuck wow i should just never have done anything but then there's this part of me saying no it's okay that you did stuff but you.. i really i'm so silly Claire 18:47 Claire Hey, don't worry. There's nothing you can do. Just maybe see if he talks to you first during the week, and if he does, that's a good sign. Jesse Tran 18:48 Jesse Tran but i don't think he will claire i don't know Claire 18:48 Claire But how does /lenalee/ know that he felt obligated? Jesse Tran 18:48 Jesse Tran bri says /fish/ and /canoeguy/ probs talked to her about it since they're friends and all but it's very likely Claire 18:49 Claire Hmmm Jesse Tran 18:49 Jesse Tran but i mean she asked if i liked him so obvs she must've got a tip off y'know? but uhm Claire 18:50 Claire I don't think so, maybe she's just observant Jesse Tran 18:51 Jesse Tran i think the possibility that there was a talk is more likely haha Claire 18:52 Claire You know what? Because you've done the plan I think you're now obligated to talk to him. And I think if you don't, he'll wonder what he did wrong. So talk to him for the next week or so, then back off. Still smile at him and stuff, just wait for him to start the conversation which he will do if he genuinely wants to talk to you. Jesse Tran 18:53 Jesse Tran so the worst scenario would be in the next few weeks nothing happens and basically we forget? Claire 18:54 Claire Well it's your job now to make sure that doesn't happen. This opportunity can't be lost! Jesse Tran 18:54 Jesse Tran but what if i just screw things up? like if i make sure it doesn't happen isn't that me making him feel even more obliged? i'm..... starting to envy your situation, kind of now since i do really spontaneous things sure they're 'brave' but thinking about it in the victim's pov it would make them feel obliged but you've done baby steps while i'm kind of jumping back and forth if that makes sense Claire 18:58 Claire No, just talk to him about stuff that he seems to enjoy. And if he does feel obligated to talk to you then you can figure out what happens after that. But remember, you're not supposed to know this so you can't suddenly not say anything to him after what happened today. Jesse Tran 18:58 Jesse Tran i don't know how you can even still be giving me advice because i don't think many people have even been in this situation ugh yeah, i know /sigh Claire 18:59 Claire But you never know, this was before you told him so things probably have changed now. Jesse Tran 18:59 Jesse Tran i don't.. think they would have changed.............? ??? Claire 18:59 Claire They could have! You never know And don't start making assumptions because they can really hurt everything Jesse Tran 19:00 Jesse Tran h ughghghughuuuuuuu i'm kinda laughing what a situation Claire 19:01 Claire Yeah, I'm not envying your position right now. But you have to "work the problem" and everything will be all fine and dandy Just take one step at a time. Jesse Tran 19:03 Jesse Tran 'work the problem' sigh i really don't know haha Claire 19:03 Claire It's all you can do right now, and this is just one tiny little hiccup in the whole scheme of things. Jesse Tran 19:04 Jesse Tran right Claire 19:04 Claire Remember that! It's no big deal! Jesse Tran 19:04 Jesse Tran ... sdfgyjh Claire 19:04 Claire Just one thing that has to be ironed out And you can fix it by talking to him for the next week. And another idea might be to talk to him straight up about this. Jesse Tran 19:05 Jesse Tran didn't you just say that remember that i'm not supposed to know this? ;; but sdfgh that;'s what i was thinking or well not really like 'confront him' confront him but more like remind him that like he doesn't have to feel obliged to talk to me but in uh subtle words i don't know asdfgh Claire 19:06 Claire Well you can say that you hope you're not making him feel obliged or something casual Yes exactly!!! Jesse Tran 19:07 Jesse Tran wow guhhfdsdfasdfghd i don't know Claire 19:07 Claire Mmm What do you think you should do? Jesse Tran 19:07 Jesse Tran haha i don't even know i think the thought that'll go through my head all night will be 'wow i'm so silly' since i can't seem to stop thinking it asdfgh but thank you a lot your presence is calming asdfgh Claire 19:09 Claire Well I guess the choice is not talking to him because someone told you he feels obligated, or keep talking to him and having convos with him because you JUST CONFESSED (yay!) and then subtly reminding him. To me, that's your choices. Jesse Tran 19:10 Jesse Tran wow LOL i feel like you're passive-aggressively ordering me to talk to him hahaha Claire 19:10 Claire Haha, anytime I hope I can help you Jesse Tran 19:10 Jesse Tran in a good way Claire 19:10 Claire Maybe I am /wiggles eyebrows Jesse Tran 19:10 Jesse Tran LOL because you don't want me to screw things up even more, huh ugh i have to think Claire 19:11 Claire No! I just want you to be happy and I don't think you'll be happy ignoring him. Jesse Tran 19:11 Jesse Tran i don't think i'd ignore him LOL more like do something stupid but i don't think i will i don't know how i'll do this /sigh Claire 19:12 Claire I don't think you will. You made the right choice to tell him today, and I think you'll make the right choice in figuring out a way to fix this small problem. Jesse Tran 19:13 Jesse Tran you have quite a lot of faith in me ;; /sobs and clings to you Claire 19:13 Claire /hugs You'll make the right choice! Jesse Tran 19:13 Jesse Tran i really hope i do /flops on you Claire 19:14 Claire You will! /becomes flop support Jesse Tran 19:15 Jesse Tran /sighs forever /flops on you forever can i just turn into a potato i'm sure potatoes have easier lives Claire 19:15 Claire /hugs tightly No because I eat a lot of potatos That's not allowed Jesse Tran 19:16 Jesse Tran but potatoes probably like being turned into mash potatoes and stuff Claire 19:17 Claire Maybe you'll get eaten raw by a crazy man Jesse Tran 19:17 Jesse Tran raw..... poate.o............... i think that'll happen to only one in a million potates excuse U Claire 19:17 Claire Okay well I have to go have dinner but I will be back soon! Jesse Tran 19:18 Jesse Tran okay.. i'll have a shower afgjk

and then

Claire Back! Jesse Tran 19:54 Jesse Tran Yo!! Claire 20:21 Claire Hi! Jesse Tran 20:21 Jesse Tran so i had a bath just before and it was a long bath and i was just thinking that i'm.. alright now because i've kinda always played with the idea that he might feel obliged to talk to me haha i guess hearing that he really did and that /lenalee/ knew and bri was probs thinking i'm an idiot kind of hit me hehe but hey i was like /lenalee/ would probs go well with him and bri was like noooo she doesn't like him i guess that's one thing i found out LOL but i'm kinda i just want to clear things up haha i'm a silly potato tho Claire 20:24 Claire Haha, well I'm glad you've had a chance to think through things. Jesse Tran 20:24 Jesse Tran thank you haha Claire 20:24 Claire And I'm glad you're okay with what's happened. I know it's a pain, but it's not the end. Jesse Tran 20:25 Jesse Tran i just kinda feel sorry for him a bit hahaha he has to put up with my spontaneity Claire 20:26 Claire Well spontaneity is supposed to be cute to guys so.... /wink wonk Jesse Tran 20:26 Jesse Tran ............ /shakes head at you right, claire, LOL just like husky voices aye LOL pretty sure i sounded like blocked nose and everything but hey /shimmies Claire 20:28 Claire LOL ah well /wiggles Jesse Tran 20:28 Jesse Tran /dances Claire 20:29 Claire /goes to have a shower I'm sorry Jesse Tran 20:29 Jesse Tran no problemo amigo

and i felt way better than before.

and then i was talking to katie the nerd coz she fINALLY went online and then well, she always manages to make me feel even more better by just being a nerd so i'm really grateful for that.

her opinion is always so unique and always helpful and so is everyone's and i could gather these 15 things from response:

1: boys are alien and lenalee is telling bs (which i really don't think lenalee would do because she's hella nice however katie's a very blunt person who always speaks her mind and so her view can be harsh)
2. i'm not normal
3. he's definitely struggling with his thoughts right now because although my plan was good it put him on the spot a bit much and I'm SDFGDSFHG
4. apparently he's probs intrigued by me
5. he smiled at me, quote 'stop ignoring the facts woman'
6. i do take leaps and bounds and then retreat
7. she honestly thinks it went well
8. apparently he had a positive attitude because 'he didn't shoot me down or reject me' but pretty sure he's just being polite
9. thinking about what will happen is pointless (speaking from experience) - quote by her
10. i may not give him enough time to sort his own feelings out and i have to be careful of rushing things
11. she has 'absolute confidence' that he does not feel obliged to talk to me ... from her perspective, apparently because he's done nothing to infer that (but LOL i'm pretty sure he's felt it at points)
12 is sILLY
13. boys don't do things they don't like and they don't think 'that way' (which claire agrees with apparently but iunno i have proof that boys are exactly like girls in some aspects)
14 is aLSO VERY SILLY
15: there's a certain limit to being polite - in reference to him being 'polite'

and well

"Hey, I don't think he was being polite. I think he was just reflecting what he was feeling."

also

"Mostly valid points! I completely agree that his reaction was great because even though it might seem like he was just being polite, it's hard to cover your feelings in a situation like that. So I think whatever reaction you got was genuine."

so UHM maybe i'm putting these quotes on my blog because they reassure me and i don't know what other comment to make except haha i really am yoloing it and that my friends are so beautiful, i really don't know what i'd do without them.

the main people i actually go to for advice is ruby, claire and katie. the others i don't because i can't contact them so don't feel left out, anyone reading that's not them.

ruby is grounded, claire's logical and katie's feeling.

they're opinions all matter so much to me and so i kind of gather them and make my own.

soo anyway, my reasoning for /coughs getting over him is that okay, so i'm done with all that 'i have to tell anyone i like them because it's sad when you keep it in for a long time' and 'liking is such a precious feeling, that's why i think it's best you do eventually tell that object of all that affection you like them'-- and also that the reason i want to get to know him is so that afterwards i'm not just regretting the fact that... well, i don't know how to put it. my cousin asked me yesterday why and i told her something and she nodded thoughtfully at it but i can't remember what my response was. i guess i'm pretty selfish in this way and because i don't think of consequences much, i plan to apologise to canoe guy soon and really set things straight because i feel like someone 'feeling obliged' is similar to 'pitying'. and pity is an interesting thing but it's also pretty horrible to be the victim of it.

but my cousin told me i'd just like him even more because i'd probably find qualities that i can relate to and i was like that's a very valid point and then that is a huge flaw in my plan but then i justified it and i can't REMEMBER IT so i'm gonna think about that tonight asdfg

but

todAY!!

i was bantering with bandaid today and i was in the middle of calling him 'homebrand' when this girl, nickname: star, laughed out loud at us and i was like ohh hey!! and then i started talking to her and then i was walking with za and she was going the same way we were so i invited her to walk with us until she parted and hehe i feel pretty proud of that

i also talked to more people in my acting class today and bandaid tried to massage my shoulders and that was TERRIFYING. i can massage better btw B) since i'm like trained not even kidding yo huehuehue. vietnamese aunty and dad benefits, they both learnt how to massage hehe.

i've also been talking to my penpal shupao more and this guy i meant on tumblr; carlos. carlos and i bond because we're both shy people and he tells me about his crush and it's adorable haha. shupao will always be hella rad though.

i was also talking to bronze butt today more and it's so great because i'm like her science buddy and she's my science buddy and our sass wars are always so interesting hehe. she ALSO LIKES MUSIC I LIKE AND IT's SO GREAT BECAUSE WE SING TOGETHER :D

oh AND ALSO IN SCIENCE my friend threw a pen at me and i missed and this guy started laughing and i looked at him and kind of gave him this B( wut u doin mate and he laughed harder and i was like excuse you and then my friend needed to know the time and i was like oh hey, what's the time? and he smiled and gave the time and he was hella

also i said hi to this guy in my year today, who zara commented was 'the hottest in our year' LOL but yeah. he smiled and it was gr8.

i don't think i can go to basketball tomorrow because i'm sick haha but i want to watch (i don't think i'm allowed though which sucks)

i probably have a lot more to write but it's late and i'm sick and i have to go to sleep because parents be flipping tables heh.

also, jamilla, you're beautiful.

so this is entry 23!! the walking dead is SUCH A BEAUTIFUL GAME i wish episodes came out more often but clementine is my fav and my heart is still whispering a soft 'no' at the ending of the first season.

'still into you' is a good song. oh i also volunteered for tri the gong on the weekend and i was basically directing pedestrians out of the athlete's way and this random dude came up to me and was like 'hey you!! you were doing a really good job, nice work!' and that was so beautiful, haha

so, have an amazing day any readers of mine. reminder to sit up straight and drink water and eat apples because you don't want to be sick. be grateful for your clear airways /nods gravely.

bye bye! :D

entry 18

me and claire were talking and then this happened:

me: “that’s just me,

lying on the floor and looking up at the ceiling wondering if i’ll ever see stars

but maybe, y’know i’m lying on the floor and gazing at the ceiling but also the ceiling’s actually made up of glass

so i can see the stars

but i can’t reach them because there’s always a wall”

claire: “or maybe you go outside your little room and discover a beautiful world that you were always dreaming of but never had the courage to go to”

me: “…and maybe there’s just a hallway that’s really long

and you don’t really know what to expect at the end of it, so sometimes you feel like you want to stop and go back to you little room so you can lay down

but maybe, y’know, because of that there’s detours. mini rooms which lead you sometimes forwards or backwards but it’s because you don’t know that you just have to keep moving forward.”

it's cool how a previously hopeless thing can turn into something inspiring, y'know?

so today, there was a year meeting in the MPU - i don't even know what that stands for but yeah we were in a meeting and maybe a few minutes through it i realised canoe guy was sitting right diagonally across from me so i could see his back and his neck and ugH and his arms are really nice--

iunno he was kind of leaning back on his hands and there was this vein running down his arm and

i should just not

yeah, well anyway...

UGH i'm so weird

ugh

well

i was just wondering about if he was doing a language or not, and partly, i wanted to talk to him kind of

and i was thinking how easy it'd be because i've done it before even though it felt like i hadn't

so after putting my bag on my back and just walking for a while

he was like

right in front of me

so i was like huh i could ask him

so i was like hey, /insert name

and he smiled and looked at me, and i was like are you doing a language? and iunno really casually he was like no and i was like okay coolies (but i didn't say that out loud iunno what my reaction was i can't remember--) but then he left and all was well??? i felt that light feeling again and i'm proud of myself for working the guts to ask him but it's such a silly thing to be proud of especially because it was really like... it... yeah. iunno mang asdfgh.

but ugh i'm having a kind of dilemma. basically on valentines day there's going to be a language study skills excursion for all the language and going isn't mandatory. the thing is, the whole reason for sending the flower was basically just to see his reaction - not really the aftermath because, reality check, he's probs just gonna guess it was me and that'll be it and it's just wishful thinking that he'll actually approach me. it's just to see his reaction because i want him to smile and god i'm so silly because i'm actually considering staying back.

i was asking my cousin what to do and she kind of laughed at me and stared me into the eyes and was like wow, you really like him. and i kind of pulled the info sheets for the excursion up to my face to cover it and was like 'no... i don't.,. like him...' but then i, here it comes, i started crying because jesus christ i might actually really like him or??? i don't know my feelings are very scary hah. but she was like, yes you do if you're considering staying back just to see his reaction.

i.. i don't know. it's just... god, i don't know.

11:09pm - 10/02/14.

-----

so today...

after science which was my last period - he's in my class, i was walking with claire and we were kind of talking but i was distracted (i'M SORRY) because canoe guy was walking the way i was walking and i was just thinking that y'know, i could maybe catch up to him and talk to him--

but like, talk about what?

ugh. i want to talk to him regardless and i swear i just wish i could tell him how much i want to talk to him and how just for the sake of seeing him maybe smile at the flower on valentines day - i'm contemplating staying back just for him. god i'm screwed aren't i?

i reckon, maybe first if i'd ever have time to stand around with him there i'd ask him what subjects he chose maybe. because i remember my bball senpai kate asking me that when we were standing around waiting for our friends near the canteen once and that was like really smooth like it was after i answered it that i realised she was like... making conversation with me until after like dayum girl smooth that's a good technique ahaha, but yeah! if there were ever a chance.. i'd want to ask him that.

but today after science me and claire we walking, blah blah blah, and then she was like so are you going this way or your way? and i was like ah.. i'll go... my way and claire smiled at me i swear she was like 'i see what ur up to' or iunno maybe that's her normal face?? but she smiled and was like okay and we said our farewells and then i proceeded to walk in my usual direction which "coincidentally" was his direction and sdfghasdf, well, he stopped and that's when i realised he was waiting for his friend who was a girl and i was like hmm i see should i still say hello or??? or should i just not bother them?? and ugh that made me hesitate a lot

so i continued walking and they were ahead in the canteen area and i was like just reaching the stairs to go down to it and maybe it was just me but y'know i always seem to be looking at him/in his direction /cOUGHS but he looked back? and i kind of just avoided his eyes again but when i was walking still he just kept looking back and that made me so paranoid and god i don't even know but i was just like 'duDE why r u looking back!! at me or at the tree but why at me and why????' so maybe i'm just overreacting but i swear to god he just kept looking back and ugh.

i just

i wish i could fangirl to him about himself and then just z snap away from him and just never think about him again but I CAN'T WHICH SUCKS because i know i'd miss him and that's SO UGH OF ME BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM AND MISSING HIM IS STUPID AND UGH

because

i like seeing him around school

i like walking past where he usually hangs out so i can think to myself y'know maybe he notices

i like thinking about what it'd be like to get to know him

y'know

maybe he notices

...

/sigh. i'm such a fucking writer, haha. well, at least to me. like readers might be like lolol are u complimenting urself but seriously. i just.. i've said this so many times but my imagination is way too great for my own good.

but yeah. the two stopped around the corner and when i rounded it, his friend - let's call her noir - noir was with her other friend and he was straying off to the side a bit and then we kind of made eye contact and he shouldered his bag and made a move to walk and then i passed him and his voice was like behind me and i could hear him teasing noir about something but he was walking and i was walking and i think noir and her friend was walking as well and i exited the gate and kind of stopped after i turned left and then i turned back and he was walking down the steps and i said, really quickly and very briefly, 'see you!' and i added his name but i don't think he heard me because noir was talking to him and i was like OOPS and turned around and kind of did this thing with my hands that i recently found out i do - it's like a nervous habit - but with both hands in front of me, i kind of link them and stretch them and that's what i did as i was walking away and going 'jeSSE U IDIOT' but also 'ugh did u have to do that' and ugh.

/sOB

silly me huh

well..

ye.

so, during the way to and from melissa's school (did i mention melissa, she's my fab cousin/pretty much a sister but i'll never say that to her /lAUGHS FOREVER) i was talking to my mum about the excursion on friday aha and she pretty much knows everything and she was like

'well.. stay at school! fIGHT!!!'

and i was like

'omg mum'

and she was like

'well melissa don't u agree'

and melissa was like

'yeah lol, stay at school'

and i was like asdfghj

and i'm thinking about it. i was talking to my penpal the other day and she was like 'well, not going to the excursion.. you probably won't miss much because it's not mandatory anyways. i think it'd be okay if you allowed yourself his reaction'

and that was a good point.

and then my bestie katie was like 'i suggest you don't go to the study group because you did all this work, what's the point in running away now? just do whatever you're happy with'

and.. /sigh. there two are like the best people ever and this is their advice for me asdfgh.

okay, sure i'll stay-- but UGH if i stay i'm just gonna be at school and like everyone will be at the thing?? pretty much everyone will be going to the language thing-- i don't know /flops. i'll talk to ruby about it.

also i took a personality test today haha, i'm an INFJ - introverted, intuitive, feeling and judging.

here yo:

"The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions, especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons.

INFJ personalities are drawn towards helping those in need – they may rush to the place of a major disaster, participate in rescue efforts, do charity work etc. INFJs see this as their duty and their purpose in life – people with this personality type firmly believe that nothing else would help the world as much as getting rid of all the tyrants. Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs.

These tendencies are also strengthened by the fact that INFJ personalities have a unique combination of idealism and decisiveness – this means that their creativity and imagination can be directed towards a specific goal. Few other personality types have this trait and this is one of the most important reasons why many INFJs are able to eventually realize their dreams and make a lasting positive impact.

INFJs are masters of written communication, with a distinctively smooth and warm language. In addition, the sensitivity of INFJs allows them to connect to others quite easily. Their easy and pleasant communication can often mislead bystanders, who might think that the INFJ is actually an extrovert.

INFJs should be careful to avoid “overheating” as their zeal and determination can sometimes get out of hand. As introverts, INFJs need to have some “alone time” every once in a while or otherwise their internal energy reserves will get depleted really quickly. If this happens, the INFJ may surprise everybody around them by withdrawing from all their activities for a while – and since other people usually see INFJs as extroverts, this can leave them both surprised and concerned.

INFJs take great care of other people’s feelings and expect others to return the favor. Unsurprisingly, people with this personality type are very sensitive and vulnerable to conflicts – even the most rational INFJs may find it quite difficult to not take criticism personally. This is the INFJ’s Achilles’ heel – if someone with an INFJ personality cannot escape the conflict, they will do their best to deal with it head on, but this will result in a lot of stress and may also potentially lead to health problems or highly irrational behavior."

bUT ALSO the list of positive and negative features of an INFJ:

"INFJ strengths

Determined and passionate. INFJ personalities work very hard for causes they believe in. This passion can easily surprise people not used to seeing this side of the INFJ, but it is an inseparable part of their personality.
Altruistic. It is very rare to see an INFJ do something just for their personal benefit. People with this personality type tend to be very warm and altruistic, even though these traits may not be clearly visible.
Decisive. This is one of the most important strengths of any INFJ. Their imagination, combined with decisiveness, usually allows INFJs to achieve incredible things – not only they can come up with interesting and unusual ideas, they also have the willpower and planning skills necessary to implement those ideas.
Creative. INFJs possess a vivid imagination and rarely have any difficulties expressing it in one way or another. Most of their solutions revolve around people or ideals, as opposed to technical strategies – this strength makes INFJ personalities excellent counselors and advisors.
Inspiring and convincing. People with the INFJ personality type know their way with words and are known for their fluid, inspirational writing style. INFJs can also be convincing speakers, especially if they are talking about something they are very proud of or passionate about.
Very insightful. INFJs find it easy to decipher other people’s motives and are rarely affected by manipulation or sales tactics. They tend to know instantly whether someone is being honest. This strength shields their sensitive inner core, protecting the INFJ from disappointment.

INFJ weaknesses

Extremely private. INFJs may appear expressive and passionate, but they are actually very private individuals. People with this personality type often find it quite difficult to trust a new friend or open up, even to people who are closest to them.
Can burn out easily. That strength and passion that INFJ personalities are known for can exhaust them quickly if they are not careful. INFJs also tend to internalize most of their feelings – this trait is not necessarily a weakness, but it deprives them of the “exhaust valve”.
Very sensitive. INFJs are highly vulnerable to criticism and conflict situations, and can get hurt very easily. People with this personality type are also likely to react strongly to anything that challenges their inner principles and values.
Perfectionistic. INFJ personalities are inherently idealistic and do their best to achieve their ideals. This is a great trait, but it can quickly become a weakness if the same approach is applied in every area of life. For instance, INFJs may find it difficult to settle down in a romantic relationship, always looking for an ideal partner.
Always need to have a cause. INFJs may find it difficult to focus and force themselves to complete tasks which are not linked to one of their goals, e.g. some routine administrative work that must be carried out. People with this personality type always want to know that they are moving towards a worthy goal, and may feel disappointed and restless if this is not the case."

/whispers i like reading about what could be my good features BUT THAT LAST SENTENC EABOUT THE NEED TO HAVE A CAUSE

YES

YES TO THAT SO MUCH

YES /BREATHES HEAVILY

anyway it's here if anyone wants to take it: http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

but yeah. hehe.

5:54pm - 11/02/14.

-----

it makes me so happy when i can help people, hehe.

"Anonymous: hey!! recently i noticed that maybe you're feeling a bit sad/upset/depressed? anything like that but i really hope you feel amazing some time soon! i'm sure your happy smile is beautiful, go dazzle people with it friend!! <3

YOU’RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY ;^;

THANK U SO MUCH FOR SENDING THIS! yeah i haven’t been feeling the best lately and it doesn’t help that i’m sick but i’m going to do my best to get through each day!

hehehe *dazzle dazzle* i’ll smile just for you anon. thank you. you are literally so wonderful and I hope you receive the most precious things in life ugh here have some cuddles from me <3"

people are really lovely. i just wish a lot of them could see that themselves.

(edit: hello tsunacchi-chi, yes that anon was me asdfg but i really hope you do feel better!!)

10:03pm - 11/02/14

-----

so today!! at school, in the morning when i was waiting for our geography teacher to show up okay-

canoe guy was like walking past me and iunno if i smiled first or if he smiled first but he smiled at me and i also smiled and??

yeah

that little exchange made me happy but i

have kind of mixed feelings about it but i think i'm overthinking it because what did that mean did he smile out of politeness like that was definitely it right like oh man what if i smiled at him and he felt obliged to smile back but maybe he secretly felt awkward about it??

i??

/breathes heavily. this is just because the flower thing is tomorrow i'm guessing but UGH. so yeah. i was talking to my wonderful src friend megan today (not the old, old megan from way back /CACKLES) but she informed me that the flower sending for the year tens would be moved to thursday which IS TOMORROW and well, yeah. i'm going to the thing on friday aha apparently it was compulsory all along /flops.

but yes.

i... i don't think anything will happen tomorrow except for him being happy and i'm unable to see his reaction which sucks because i don't have any classes with him but i plan to say hello to him?

yeah.

how anticlimactic right /sob.

also presentation night was tonight. sang but i forgot lyrics and i gold-fished (mouthed the lyrics) most of it and too bad i'm short because i was in the front row and asdfgh.

11:26pm - 12/02/14.

-----

okay so uh

hm, i dunno how to write this.

i'll... start from the start i guess then??

so uhm, i got a rose today!! from my sweetie friend kai but ye, the rose is beautiful hehe.

uh.

so most of the year tens got their flowers today.

uhm. most.

yeah. he didn't. /shot.

so me, being the silly, SILLY SILLY /ROARS FOREVER SILLY me, I just had that urge to talk to him and I was recently talking to a new buddy of mine, Anna and she sent this message to me and it went like 'if you don't take action nothing will change!' and i thought that was really cool because it's kind of true - don't take action = nil / waiting for someone else to take action.

but i'm very very silly, god, i don't even know where to start.

first of all i'm so ambitious, stupidly so.

FEEL THE AWKWARDNESS.

anyway, it was in the morning when i found out he hadn't gotten the flower yet and that the src screwed up big time with some flowers because kai later told me during recess that there was supposed to be a message on the rose but there wasn't and it got me thinking, like, what if he doesn't get the message?

sure, cool, i got him a flower.

it'd be great if i could see his reaction but the thing is i wouldn't be able to because of the excursion on friday//tomorrow.

so okay, i got him a flower - not so cool anymore.

because i'm very selfish and it's not enough just seeing him smile - i want him to smile because of me. y'feel me? ...seeing him smile is good too though.

but yes, i'm an odd person and my way of thinking is kind of twisted, i've been told by my cousin melissa aha.

so guess what i did? /laughs exasperatedly. during history i was thinking about this and then it was at lunch when there was a year meeting about bush school (which i'm pretty excited about because my BOOB CUP SWIMMERS THEY ARE FAB) and after that right, i was kind of loitering outside with my friends when i met canoe guy's eyes again and he smiled and i smiled and then he walked away with his friends and i almost went after him because i just... wanted to talk to him but i didn't know what to say.

and because i didn't know what to say, i did what i do best.

turn to writing.

i wrote him a fucking note.

yeah.

you'd think... after the whole card thing with ladybug guy, and mind you, i swear he's still avoiding me like the plague like WOOPS LOL, but yeah. you'd really think i'd learn by now that whenever i write things to guys theY ALWAYS END UP BADLY. /SOB

i hope one day i can write something to a guy and it won't? but then again i don't really know if what i wrote did end up badly or not but i can't really tell because it's v.  early aha but still.

so basically i wrote a note during lunch.

uhm.

the note went something along the lines of (ohhh my god i'm thinking about it and cringing because why do i do this to myself): 'um, happy valentines day!! ///blahblah/// so obviously you didn't get a flower today but you'll get one tomorrow saying something lame about your smile or whatever (i can't remember what i wrote exactly?????) let's have fun at bush school?? -from a person you should totes talk to sometime /cackles'

and OMFG

I AM AN EMBARRASSMENT TO POTATOES

I CAN'T EVEN FULFILL MY NEW LIFE GOAL TO BECOME ONE BECAUSE I AM AN EMBARRASSMENT TO EVERYTHING THAT MEANS ANYTHING TO ME

ye.

well now that that feeling is a bit less intense now although it pops up every time i think about it--

uhm,

so i went down to where he sat and found out he'd gone to waterpolo already and NO i didn't... look... at all the sport sign up sheets.. i just.. was curious about other people... but....

ugh i'm so creepy

but yeah

he wasn't there

and i was talking to ruby because i'm sorry but i dragged her along like i always do and i'm pretty sure i made her go along with my plan so that we'd walk down to the canteen but she had to be the lookout and I'm SO SORRY MY DARLING TOMODACHI ;; but you're amazing so thank you

but /coughs anyway, she told me that maybe i could 'intercept' him after sports

btw the sports i chose was swimming and I AM HORRIBLE AT IT THE CLOSEST I'VE EVER COME TO WINNING IS BEING SECOND PLACE IN A TWO PERSON RACE AND MY DAD STILL LAUGHS AT ME BECAUSE OF THAT

but yeah swimming was interesting and tasted horribly salty and i didn't wear my boob cup swimsuit because it was too fab (honestly i felt i'd rather get my old one dirty instead but yes)

and well after that we came to school 15 minutes before the bell so me and claire went to the canteen so i could simply wait for him god i'm dragging my friends into everything i'm sorry but we met jamilla there and we talked for a bit when i saw canoe guy in the distance with his friends (including that math buddy but definitely not buddy dude, i'm sure i mentioned him in my blog somewhere -- the dude who was like 'getting in with the asian chick awwwhhh yeee' y'know? i guess we can call him fish.

so basically i was just talking to jam and claire and stuff and when i saw him i suddenly got this huge urge to /do something/ and i began getting impatient and i was getting really distracted especially when canoe guy walked past and smiled at me and i smiled timidly back like smiles everywhere but uhm

i was thinking that okay, he's with his friends: if he goes to his bus now then maybe i shouldn't give him the note

but he didn't go to his bus

he went to the canteen and his friends lined up and he stood to the side and

god

have i mentioned how embarrassing i am i should really just resign from high school and become a potato farmer

but honestly, i broke off from my friend's conversations and i'm sorry my dear jamilla i'm so sorry because you were probs talking about something great and i

oh god

but i went up to him and had the note in my hand, i think (it's a blur to me)

and ohhhhhhhhhhmyyyyyyyfricking

i said hello and he said hello and i think he asked what was up

and well

adam

fUCKING FISH

he started to snicker
so i looked to the side, and beside him was canoe guy's other friends and they were all kind of smirking at me

and i was like jfc okay

so i gave the note to canoe guy

and he took it and i think he was like what's this?

aND THEN FUCKING FISH JESUS CHRIST

i'm sorry for swearing

BUT SERIOUSLY

DUDE

his snickering got louder and i was like.. 'they're creepy!'

and canoe guy laughed and was like, yeah, they are

and then his friends laughed

and then i kind of... i don't remember if i said keep the note to yourself or not but?? i kind of nodded at him and ran back to my friends where they kind of struck another conversation and then i began talking along with them, talking out my nerves kind of thing, when my friends ariana and cinekha and taelah walked by and i was like oh hey!! and i kind of talked to them for a bit and taelah suddenly called me cute?? so i laughed and was like ahaha thank you but wow taelah calls me cute but she's adorable!! but anyway

i kind of looked to canoe guy's direction and i saw that he was looking at me and i don't know if he read the note or not but after the trio left i got really flustered and i kind of dragged claire with me away from the area because sdfgh and i was on the steps when i looked back and i saw that one of canoe guy's friends had taken the paper and was grinning and unravelling it and then i escaped

i...

so yeah.

they probably all read the note and canoe guy is probably really embarrassed and oh god i was freaking out so much and i kind of just had this huge period of freaking out to claire and i was so out of it that she couldn't really help me but the feeling was fresh so it wasn't her fault

but after school right i came to the car, got in, and we had to go to my aunty's place for an hour because we had to pick up my cousin at around 4 because of extended classes and year 11 and so i kind of just sat outside of her apartment and began texting katie and i was kind of just freaking out to her and at first she was like 'whyyy jesse whyyy did you write him a note' and I WAS LIKE KATIE U ARE DEFINITELY NOT HELPING and we began talking about other stuff and then she was like 'okay, you know what, i'm not shitting you, it'll be okay' - and her reasons for that was because canoe guy seemed like a genuinely nice dude and even if everything did go downhill, she told me i shouldn't be embarrassed and that i should be proud.

so yeah. her words really calmed me down and i got home later that day and talked to claire the mother hen again and she told me basically the exact same thing; that canoe guy seemed like a nice dude and probably wouldn't let his friends read it but even if he did well

god, i don't know.

i just???

and then later later that day, i was texting katie again and she told me this after i told her that she had nothing to worry about (she was saying how she worried about saying something stupid to her own senpai) and that she should think of my terrible failures and she should be fine:

'I don't think you fail xD I think you manage to make a boring situation interesting. You don't say material things or the like, you do the stuff everybody least expects and I think that's wonderful.'

and i swear she knows like exactly what to say to make me feel better and i told her that and she was like wow what a stroke to the ego and said something about herself being fabulous and yeah

i...

well i don't know how this will turn out. i really don't, aha.

i just hope that he'll still smile at me when he sees me and y'know.... i still just want to get to know him and become his friend, lol.

i don't know. hah. this really does remind me of the card incident.

yeah....

i just have to be the way i always am, i'm guessing.

well anyway, on another topic, i've been talking to a lot of people this month/year!!

i had a drama thing in acting class before, a presentation of sorts, and the presentation i did with my group was really fun and we actually did quite well - i was this suave french dude and one of my lines was 'hon hon, baguette' and after the presentation was finished the teacher was like so what did we like about this presentation? and one girl was like 'i liked jesse's line, hon hon baguette' and it made me feel a bit proud haha.

but also today this girl, let's call her lenalee, she was walking by the way i do and i was kind of still in that freak out stage and i was freaking out to my friend s'nay, and well lenalee came by and s'nay commented on her flowers and how she was v. popular so i kinda joined in and was like 'haha, wink wink' and we kind of talked for a bit and then she went on and then she stopped and called out to us if we were going to the language excursion and we said yes and she said she wasn't and stuff but yeah. note: she's the girl who sat next to canoe guy last year in maths and aha i'm.. yeah but she's a really nice person and i'd like to get to know her more!!

ye.

goodnight friends. tomorrow's the language excursion and i said i wouldn't update til after bush school but this really might be the last update until after bush school haha. there's also a hunger game theme game we're doing at bush school but i might tell you more about that when i know more about it, aha.

this is entry 18, have a beautiful day any readers of mine! remember to sit up straight.

entry 17

short entry but i was looking back on my older blog posts and...

wow.

i was very... i don't even know the word to describe it.

but lemme tell myself that there's no need to compare myself to 'popular girls' who have 'more fun than me' because don't worry my dear jesse everyone's equal.

i forgot to mention this but when i came back to school on the first day, my friends all exclaimed 'jesse!' and some flocked to me and started patting my hair: jamilla, guy, etc. and that simple thing made me feel appreciated and wanted and loved and that alone is a beautiful feeling that overcomes my silly wishes about myself trying to be 'out there' because i've already made wonderful friends and i shouldn't take that for granted.

but it's okay. it's okay to want to get to know new people, it's just not okay to put myself down for not being able to yet. that's the key word: yet.

it's okay jesse, it's okay.

as katie said, 'your determination will get you places' and here's to hoping it really will.

entry 17, sit up straight and have an amazing day any readers of mine.

entry 14

weLL HOLY CRAP

last entry was slightly depressing wasn't it? i was just charged with negative energy when i wrote that, or whatever you call it, but yeah. i was a bit tired so i'm sorry to any readers who bothered to read that entry, aha.

but today is an alright day, scratch out the fact i have to spend at least 2 hours+ folding a mountain of clothes that no one else is bothered to conquer (looks pointedly at mother/father/brother/doge).

jesus.

this household..

so before doing that (i believe right now i am procrastinating but shh) i was reading a fanfiction called the Quandaries of a Quirky Romantic and it started off beautifully (i realized i could really relate to the main chara) but then i decided to look at the reviews and a lot of reviewers were exclaiming how sad the ending was.

i just nOPED out of that fic in no time. why do sad endings do that? they seriously just troll you forever and /deep sigh don't get me started on anohana.

but the fanfic has a sequel -- just, the author hasn't updated it in three years. goddammit. but then again writer's block is just really unfair. i'm going to have to sit down and get my school laptop one day and continue all those fanfics i've hid beneath everything (because writer's block//what else?) and edit them and publish them on my fanfic account which will remain unnamed.

but yeah.

on another note my wall has been expanding. very slowly, but i've been finding lots of good quotes recently and all i need to do is be bothered to write them down and try to get the post-it note to stick, whiiich is actually quite a bit of effort because there's no glue and i'm running out of blu-tac /sob

oh that reminds me. green tea. let me go get some right now.

okay i got some.

hm.

so my friend is coming over tomorrow but i'm getting a haircut before that. one part of me is so relieved that my mop of hair is finally being tamed but then again haircuts are probably the bane of my existence.

or, let me rephrase that.

during haircuts, are the bane of my existence.

i kind of just really dislike staring at myself in the mirror while the hairdresser is deciding the fate of everything with your hair and it can go two ways: really good or REALLY REALLY BAD /sob.

i just.

/deep sigh.

haircuts.

but anyway this:

'are u in love with me? no?? *slides u a chocolate pudding* how about now?'

tumblr is wonderful yo.

so on another note, sleeping is good!!! seriously, make sure to get enough sleep okay cuties? sleeping is especially good for me because it seems if i don't get enough my eyelids go uneven and idek. let's not bring that up again.

ni no kuni is a great game yo. my brother and i play it together and it's really fun! studio ghibli made the game and that makes me hope for a little romance for the dear protagonist and yeah. it's just really good. the story is great so far, even though i'm barely a quarter in.

so yeah.

i better go fold the clothes now.

Moon by Clear is a good song.

bye! be safe friends! and happy!

this is entry 14.

entry 12

this is me explaining my predicament to a beautiful friend of mine:

---

YES WHAT JUST SAY IT WOMAN Jesse Tran 17:54 Jesse Tran (copied from the blog) so yesterday in maths, will somehow acquired a ladybug, and named it seaweed. seaweed was an odd ladybug because she basically just walked around his book for a while and then settled on the spine (a bunch of plastic rings) either cleaning herself, or pooping. we had to finish off some homework in this textbook we were sharing, and i kind of just whizzed through mostly because i had no idea how to answer some, so i was just left sitting there and staring at the questions i couldn't answer (what's cool is that during the actual class time where our teacher doesn't leave us to just finish homework, is that will helped me in some questions and that was really nice of him so ye). so seaweed began annoying will (it was pretty funny (to me), i was like 'looks like seaweed is... bUGGING you... and he was like haaaa /shakes head) and he passed it on to ariana (my friend sitting in front of me), but after a while she got sick of it as well so she passed it back and i took seaweed from him. at first seaweed was on my finger just chillin' and doing that mysterious action of either pooping or cleaning herself (OKAY I LOOKED UP LADYBUG POOP JUST THEN AND LUCKILY IT DIDN'T POOP ON ME OR I WOULD'VE NOTICED ASDFGH) and then i just watched her on my finger because she was seriously just staying still and i was beginning to wonder if she was like laying eggs on me so i kinda freaked out and put her on my pen. she stayed there for a while and i could kinda tired of just holding my pen up so carefully i laid her in the middle of the textbook me and will were sharing, and just watched her for a bit. that's when will finished doing his work and he was like 'okay so i'm just gonna close the text book for a while' and made the motion of closing the textbook and right then and there i made this really weird noise of 'KEEee' and stopped him from closing it and we just kinda looked at each other for a moment and he laughed and was like 'i wasn't actually gonna close it' and mimicked my sound and i was like jfc that was uncalled for and yeah it was really cool i felt like we were bonding /hides. so then after that we decided to release seaweed into the wild after class, and basically seaweed was just stationary on my pen so while we packed up our things i just held the pen and talked to my friend arianna. will packed up and got his bag and kind of left the classroom to talk to his other friends and stuff so i just kinda was like oh kay... so what should i do with seaweed- and arianna was like did will just leave you with his child and i was like yup but as i was walking out of the classroom will was kinda just waiting for me and was like 'jesse, let's go and release... her' and i was like :DDD okay friend (yes i was pretty happy he waited coz that's pretty damn cool) and we went out and released seaweed into these pretty bushes. that was kind of the end of that and will and arianna were walking the same way while i was going the opposite so we said our farewells until i kind of remembered that i left my laptop so i kinda turned back really hurriedly and then i saw will walking behind me and i think he was gonna say something but i was like i fORGOT MY LAPTOP NO and while i was running i heard him laughing (so i think we parted on fairly good terms and that's awesome). man this is so cool i feel like i'm making progress. recently with the other areas such as src guy and canoe guy and friend-making in the other classes i haven't been going places (especially with the speech because my teacher ended up saying it was highly engaging but she wasn't sure the topic was really clear and that it was more like a personal confession to the class (and i was like ha...ha... /sobs out of embarrassment UGH) but ye) so i feel better thinking back aha. Jesse Tran 17:54 Jesse Tran so basically htere's this seating plan in math and the teacher seated me next to this guy called adam first and he was basically like 'oOOOOH GETTING IN WITH THE ASIAN CHICK' and all that and i kind of went ugh no thank you dude r u fo shizzle mah nizzle and kinda yeah.. i didn't really... asdfg but then we had to move classes for a bit and i got seated next to this guy called will and that's a thing that happened with him Jesse Tran 17:57 Jesse Tran this was before the ladybug thing: oday at school we had a substitute teacher for maths, and of course the seating plan didn't need to be followed because well, we had a different teacher, but in maths will sat next to me and i kind of just reminded him that he could sit next to his friends but he was like nah i like you and then iunno for a moment i was like ... and then i was like ASDFGHJKLJHGFD FRIEND1!@!# but i didn't really show it but it meant a lot to me even though he was probably just saying that to make me feel better /kicks dirt. so yeah that kinda made my day. Jesse Tran 17:58 Jesse Tran this is before the above: at first it was okay because we were allowed to sit next to our friends again but then guess what. ... you probably guessed right. another seating plan was put into order and this time it was another guy called will, who i had once lent a calculator to (i pride myself on that fact yo). will's cool. he's like the class clown but he's nice, so this time i'm a tad happier where i am ehe. i find it cool because although i'm not amazing at maths i'm good enough, and will is okay at it so basically i can help him and these last two lessons i've been helping him so that's pretty awesome - it makes me feel as if I've done something good LOL. it's so awesome because i was kind of just copying questions down and we were sharing textbooks and he asked if i had done question f, which i hadn't. and basically he told me what you had to do and i was like well okay thanks i think and he was like no worries i felt like i needed to show off to you and i was like well... thank you again. and he seems really nice so i wouldn't mind getting to know him more! /puts on victory headband I FEEL AS IF I'M MAKING FRIEND AND IT's GLORIOUS GUYS. Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 17:59 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay wow WOW Jesse Tran 17:59 Jesse Tran maKING FRIEND /VICTORIOUS FIST PUMP Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 17:59 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay WOOOWW Woah Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran what -- Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay s Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran what's with that reaction what BUT ANYWAY CHRISTMAS IS COMING UP Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay (Creepy smile) Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran and i was contemplating who to give christmas cards to ? right then-- Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay No changing subject Jesse. Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran no it's adding onto that asdfgh but okay right Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay (Creepy smile stretches) Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran uhm DUDE LET ME TELL YOU THE THING ASDFGHJK I'M HAPPY ASDFGH Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay No Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran BUT BUT BUT Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay ME talk now Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran IT MADE ME SO HAPPY HOLD ON Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay KHVLKHJBCLKJBWLCKJBSLJHCB Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran I TELL YOU THING AND THEN Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay HE Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran YOU TALK!! DUDE ssafjh Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay YOU SO CUTE AHSKJLKSJCLKJSGCJHWSCLJHGWCJKHVCKJHCVWKWD OKAY GO HURRY BEFORE I SDIE DIE go go gooooo Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran okay oksao kksdfwfd okay so basically i was wondering who to give christmas cards to and made like a list and i was thinking whether or not to put will on the list because i think he was kinda my friend?? and he said hi to me a couple times and that made me smile because wow friend Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay Put him on obviously Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran but okay so i was really hesitant whether or not so on friday Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay He's toates your friend yeah Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran while he was walking past my class Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay yeah Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran i went up to him and kind of like died and was like uhm do you want a christmas card--- Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay Awwww Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran and he stopped and i didn't really see his face because i was like dying and i was like because i uh i kinda figured we were friends and then i stuttered and was like uh you know what nevermind Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay Heheheh Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran asdfghj so i walked away like really quickluy Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay awwww Hahaha Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran and then he was like wait! and followed me Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay AWWWWW Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran and was like grinning and was like yeah sure i want a christmas card and then i nodded Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay AKJDLKAJDGLKAJDA DIES INSIDE Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran and he like stood there for a moment and was like 'aw' and i was like ...?? and he was like we're friends Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay HAHAHAHA Jesse Tran 18:04 Jesse Tran and i was like ... ... :...D and he was like Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:04 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay xD Jesse Tran 18:04 Jesse Tran and i was like on the outside okay coolies friends coolies but on the inside i was like Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:04 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay A whole converstaion expressed in smilies Jesse Tran 18:04 Jesse Tran FRIEND THAT'S SO COOL LOL YES but yeah

---


currently, i am crying on the inside.

yesterday i gave ladybug guy the card and he smiled and said thanks and this was in maths so i could see whether he was gonna open it or not which he didn't. so i was like oh okay that's actually a relief because none of his friends could see the embarrassing things i wrote in there (which went along the lines of: 'y'know, it was fun sitting next to you in maths//i tend to be really quiet with people i don't know but i'm glad that you talked to me so thank you (for talking to me)//you make talking to people seem so easy and iunno maybe it's just me but that's an awesome quality since i'm such an awkward sausage//the whole thing with seaweed was fun to say the least//so thank you again! etc etc) but anyway i really wanted to know what his response to my card was gonna be because i put a hella lot of thought into it /sobs.

but i don't think he opened it until he got home or something?? iunno.
anyway, today me and my friends went down to practice for busking (exciting!! it's tomorrow; gonna go up to sydney and basically sing on the streets and gain money for the school-- hopefully we're not too terrible) and when we went to the music classroom ladybug guy was in there and he was packing up and kind of getting ready to go? and we made eye contact and he looked away and i was like oh uh hey will and he kind of looked back at me with this maybe awkward weird smile and was like hey...

and he left

i think i

screwed up big time

i did the bad thing

the bad

/SOBS LOUDLY

LIKE DUDE DID I JUST SCREW UP EVERYTHING

i seriously 

oh god

i

i'm so

i

i don't even have the words to express to

UGH

i guess i was expecting something more? what was i expecting, i'm not exactly sure. i guess maybe something like: thanks for the card, i hope next year will be fun? something lame like that i guess--
but nothing

nada

maybe i'm overthinking it?

but he just seemed really awkward and this is the non-awkward clown dude who makes everything seem so easy and i even admire him for that and???

jesus christ

also today i was pondering: what is the point of liking canoe guy??? why do i want to talk to him when i'm so terrible at it and when there's so many other girls and they're all popular and beautiful and nice and then there's me- and i'm just me and i'm pretty sure he's lost any interest he may've had in me because i've always been too hesitant to actually make real conversation

but

then he presented this thing for english

and this

this thing 

like his neck and his back and ugh

i think i have a thing for necks and backs now

i just

i'm so done.

this has been entry 12, have a nice everything and be strong and safe and be happy most of all.

bye. /sighs.