entry 12

this is me explaining my predicament to a beautiful friend of mine:

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YES WHAT JUST SAY IT WOMAN Jesse Tran 17:54 Jesse Tran (copied from the blog) so yesterday in maths, will somehow acquired a ladybug, and named it seaweed. seaweed was an odd ladybug because she basically just walked around his book for a while and then settled on the spine (a bunch of plastic rings) either cleaning herself, or pooping. we had to finish off some homework in this textbook we were sharing, and i kind of just whizzed through mostly because i had no idea how to answer some, so i was just left sitting there and staring at the questions i couldn't answer (what's cool is that during the actual class time where our teacher doesn't leave us to just finish homework, is that will helped me in some questions and that was really nice of him so ye). so seaweed began annoying will (it was pretty funny (to me), i was like 'looks like seaweed is... bUGGING you... and he was like haaaa /shakes head) and he passed it on to ariana (my friend sitting in front of me), but after a while she got sick of it as well so she passed it back and i took seaweed from him. at first seaweed was on my finger just chillin' and doing that mysterious action of either pooping or cleaning herself (OKAY I LOOKED UP LADYBUG POOP JUST THEN AND LUCKILY IT DIDN'T POOP ON ME OR I WOULD'VE NOTICED ASDFGH) and then i just watched her on my finger because she was seriously just staying still and i was beginning to wonder if she was like laying eggs on me so i kinda freaked out and put her on my pen. she stayed there for a while and i could kinda tired of just holding my pen up so carefully i laid her in the middle of the textbook me and will were sharing, and just watched her for a bit. that's when will finished doing his work and he was like 'okay so i'm just gonna close the text book for a while' and made the motion of closing the textbook and right then and there i made this really weird noise of 'KEEee' and stopped him from closing it and we just kinda looked at each other for a moment and he laughed and was like 'i wasn't actually gonna close it' and mimicked my sound and i was like jfc that was uncalled for and yeah it was really cool i felt like we were bonding /hides. so then after that we decided to release seaweed into the wild after class, and basically seaweed was just stationary on my pen so while we packed up our things i just held the pen and talked to my friend arianna. will packed up and got his bag and kind of left the classroom to talk to his other friends and stuff so i just kinda was like oh kay... so what should i do with seaweed- and arianna was like did will just leave you with his child and i was like yup but as i was walking out of the classroom will was kinda just waiting for me and was like 'jesse, let's go and release... her' and i was like :DDD okay friend (yes i was pretty happy he waited coz that's pretty damn cool) and we went out and released seaweed into these pretty bushes. that was kind of the end of that and will and arianna were walking the same way while i was going the opposite so we said our farewells until i kind of remembered that i left my laptop so i kinda turned back really hurriedly and then i saw will walking behind me and i think he was gonna say something but i was like i fORGOT MY LAPTOP NO and while i was running i heard him laughing (so i think we parted on fairly good terms and that's awesome). man this is so cool i feel like i'm making progress. recently with the other areas such as src guy and canoe guy and friend-making in the other classes i haven't been going places (especially with the speech because my teacher ended up saying it was highly engaging but she wasn't sure the topic was really clear and that it was more like a personal confession to the class (and i was like ha...ha... /sobs out of embarrassment UGH) but ye) so i feel better thinking back aha. Jesse Tran 17:54 Jesse Tran so basically htere's this seating plan in math and the teacher seated me next to this guy called adam first and he was basically like 'oOOOOH GETTING IN WITH THE ASIAN CHICK' and all that and i kind of went ugh no thank you dude r u fo shizzle mah nizzle and kinda yeah.. i didn't really... asdfg but then we had to move classes for a bit and i got seated next to this guy called will and that's a thing that happened with him Jesse Tran 17:57 Jesse Tran this was before the ladybug thing: oday at school we had a substitute teacher for maths, and of course the seating plan didn't need to be followed because well, we had a different teacher, but in maths will sat next to me and i kind of just reminded him that he could sit next to his friends but he was like nah i like you and then iunno for a moment i was like ... and then i was like ASDFGHJKLJHGFD FRIEND1!@!# but i didn't really show it but it meant a lot to me even though he was probably just saying that to make me feel better /kicks dirt. so yeah that kinda made my day. Jesse Tran 17:58 Jesse Tran this is before the above: at first it was okay because we were allowed to sit next to our friends again but then guess what. ... you probably guessed right. another seating plan was put into order and this time it was another guy called will, who i had once lent a calculator to (i pride myself on that fact yo). will's cool. he's like the class clown but he's nice, so this time i'm a tad happier where i am ehe. i find it cool because although i'm not amazing at maths i'm good enough, and will is okay at it so basically i can help him and these last two lessons i've been helping him so that's pretty awesome - it makes me feel as if I've done something good LOL. it's so awesome because i was kind of just copying questions down and we were sharing textbooks and he asked if i had done question f, which i hadn't. and basically he told me what you had to do and i was like well okay thanks i think and he was like no worries i felt like i needed to show off to you and i was like well... thank you again. and he seems really nice so i wouldn't mind getting to know him more! /puts on victory headband I FEEL AS IF I'M MAKING FRIEND AND IT's GLORIOUS GUYS. Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 17:59 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay wow WOW Jesse Tran 17:59 Jesse Tran maKING FRIEND /VICTORIOUS FIST PUMP Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 17:59 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay WOOOWW Woah Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran what -- Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay s Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran what's with that reaction what BUT ANYWAY CHRISTMAS IS COMING UP Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay (Creepy smile) Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran and i was contemplating who to give christmas cards to ? right then-- Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay No changing subject Jesse. Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran no it's adding onto that asdfgh but okay right Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay (Creepy smile stretches) Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran uhm DUDE LET ME TELL YOU THE THING ASDFGHJK I'M HAPPY ASDFGH Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay No Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran BUT BUT BUT Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay ME talk now Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran IT MADE ME SO HAPPY HOLD ON Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay KHVLKHJBCLKJBWLCKJBSLJHCB Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran I TELL YOU THING AND THEN Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay HE Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran YOU TALK!! DUDE ssafjh Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay YOU SO CUTE AHSKJLKSJCLKJSGCJHWSCLJHGWCJKHVCKJHCVWKWD OKAY GO HURRY BEFORE I SDIE DIE go go gooooo Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran okay oksao kksdfwfd okay so basically i was wondering who to give christmas cards to and made like a list and i was thinking whether or not to put will on the list because i think he was kinda my friend?? and he said hi to me a couple times and that made me smile because wow friend Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay Put him on obviously Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran but okay so i was really hesitant whether or not so on friday Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay He's toates your friend yeah Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran while he was walking past my class Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay yeah Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran i went up to him and kind of like died and was like uhm do you want a christmas card--- Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay Awwww Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran and he stopped and i didn't really see his face because i was like dying and i was like because i uh i kinda figured we were friends and then i stuttered and was like uh you know what nevermind Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay Heheheh Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran asdfghj so i walked away like really quickluy Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay awwww Hahaha Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran and then he was like wait! and followed me Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay AWWWWW Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran and was like grinning and was like yeah sure i want a christmas card and then i nodded Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay AKJDLKAJDGLKAJDA DIES INSIDE Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran and he like stood there for a moment and was like 'aw' and i was like ...?? and he was like we're friends Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay HAHAHAHA Jesse Tran 18:04 Jesse Tran and i was like ... ... :...D and he was like Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:04 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay xD Jesse Tran 18:04 Jesse Tran and i was like on the outside okay coolies friends coolies but on the inside i was like Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:04 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay A whole converstaion expressed in smilies Jesse Tran 18:04 Jesse Tran FRIEND THAT'S SO COOL LOL YES but yeah

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currently, i am crying on the inside.

yesterday i gave ladybug guy the card and he smiled and said thanks and this was in maths so i could see whether he was gonna open it or not which he didn't. so i was like oh okay that's actually a relief because none of his friends could see the embarrassing things i wrote in there (which went along the lines of: 'y'know, it was fun sitting next to you in maths//i tend to be really quiet with people i don't know but i'm glad that you talked to me so thank you (for talking to me)//you make talking to people seem so easy and iunno maybe it's just me but that's an awesome quality since i'm such an awkward sausage//the whole thing with seaweed was fun to say the least//so thank you again! etc etc) but anyway i really wanted to know what his response to my card was gonna be because i put a hella lot of thought into it /sobs.

but i don't think he opened it until he got home or something?? iunno.
anyway, today me and my friends went down to practice for busking (exciting!! it's tomorrow; gonna go up to sydney and basically sing on the streets and gain money for the school-- hopefully we're not too terrible) and when we went to the music classroom ladybug guy was in there and he was packing up and kind of getting ready to go? and we made eye contact and he looked away and i was like oh uh hey will and he kind of looked back at me with this maybe awkward weird smile and was like hey...

and he left

i think i

screwed up big time

i did the bad thing

the bad

/SOBS LOUDLY

LIKE DUDE DID I JUST SCREW UP EVERYTHING

i seriously 

oh god

i

i'm so

i

i don't even have the words to express to

UGH

i guess i was expecting something more? what was i expecting, i'm not exactly sure. i guess maybe something like: thanks for the card, i hope next year will be fun? something lame like that i guess--
but nothing

nada

maybe i'm overthinking it?

but he just seemed really awkward and this is the non-awkward clown dude who makes everything seem so easy and i even admire him for that and???

jesus christ

also today i was pondering: what is the point of liking canoe guy??? why do i want to talk to him when i'm so terrible at it and when there's so many other girls and they're all popular and beautiful and nice and then there's me- and i'm just me and i'm pretty sure he's lost any interest he may've had in me because i've always been too hesitant to actually make real conversation

but

then he presented this thing for english

and this

this thing 

like his neck and his back and ugh

i think i have a thing for necks and backs now

i just

i'm so done.

this has been entry 12, have a nice everything and be strong and safe and be happy most of all.

bye. /sighs.