entry 11

wow so, so many things have happened.

or at the very least, it seems so long since i last wrote here. maybe because i've been meaning to, i just haven't.

christmas is near and that means it's nearly time for me to write my long-ass christmas cards.

...

it's actually really fun, writing christmas cards.

i went rollerskating today. it was fun and i think i'm getting better at it. i love achieving the feeling of gliding -- which doesn't come too often when you're busy struggling not to hit the ground with your face. my friend got me into mariana trench and i'm considering signing up for festivus (a school thing) and performing.

so sometimes i get these moments where i wonder what i'm doing and whether it's pointless or not.

and then other times i get really happy looking back at the people i've met, and wanting to get to know them more.

today i was more... just proud and super happy at myself because i've actually made quite a few friends or made myself more approachable to certain people and that's really awesome.

my friend avery today was like

jesse okay there's something hard in my pocket

and i was like dude wth r u talking about m8

and he pulled out this soy sauce container in the shape of a small fish
shrugged
and gave it to me

and i was like dude why do i want this is it because i'm asian

and he laughed

but i still have it

i don't even know

so y'know ladybug guy?

today i was pondering whether or not to ask him if he wanted a christmas card because i figured -- i think we were kind of friends?? i just thought it might be nice to give him one but i just wasn't sure if it'd be weird or not -- so basically all day i was like okay should i ask him or not and he was walking by my english class (last class of the day) and so i went up to him and was like hey, uhm do you want a christmas card? and i'm pretty sure he was like o: so i just went on and was like because i kinda figured... we were... friends asdfg and ughGHGH i seriously stuttered so much and kind of just was like 'n-nevermind yo issok' and walked away but he followed me and was like 'aw' i think and said 'sure'

and later he was like

'we're friends'

and asdfghjkLKJHG okay that made me happy ugh

that's nice of him y'know-- awh man okay that's really cool

and dadjokes

dadjokes are beautiful

okay so i had this plan

as a conversation starter, just using dadjokes

the dadjoke i used today was:

'hey so what do you call a fish without eyes'
'a fsh'

ba DUM TSK

so funny right

anyway, i told this to canoe guy today

and he smiled and shook his head saying 'that's terrible'

to which i replied 'it's beautiful!'

and we kind of laughed a bit before i just walked ahead, before stopping and saying 'i can tell you more next friday' and he nodded, and then i was like 'look forward to it aha' and then we both kind of parted with 'have a good weekend'. i'm pretty sure i came off as odd but i made him smile and that's worth it /flops.

mang, seriously when he smiles-- what a dork. if i tell someone they're smile is really pretty, would that be a bit creepy?

hm.

i really want to talk to him more asdfg. i want to talk to a lot of people more actually.

i just hesitate especially when it comes to seeing how other people do way better at me at talking, and i just think of myself as inferior and i know that's not the case, it just... yeah. it's like i can do something but in the end that something won't even account to much?

although the other day me and claire were talking. we were talking about when i was in keira and how i moved to smiths hill and i said i was glad i moved to smiths hill, and she said she was glad too. then she said when i was in year seven, in tech class, i turned to her one day smiled and said that she had pretty eyes. she said i seemed really outgoing then and she couldn't believe i actually felt shy, but honestly i don't even remember past me saying that -- it was just an offhand comment. and yet, she remembered it and when she told me that i just felt proud of my little self. if i ever went back in time, i'd give my little self a pat on the back -- but if i met her when she was still in keira i'd give her a hug. did i ever tell you guys about that? how in keira i kind of just retreated into my own little shell? i think i did, but that''s the gist of it. i didn't smile, didn't talk, didn't try.

if my past self could see the present me, would she be proud?

that's a really odd question. good one though, huh?

with christmas coming, the end of school is also impending and that means i'll be in year ten next year and the thought it a bit frightening, where is time going? also, i signed up for being in a buddy program (because 4 new people are coming next year! how cool! i feel for them though, they must be at least a little anxious -- which is why i want to help them) and for planning the year ten formal i really hope i get picked.

i'm really done with canoe guy though. i'm not sure whether i like him or not because i'm so done and every time i look at him i remind myself i am an idiot so i always tend to look away now.

also, busking.

busking will be great. we'll be going with the vocal ensemble and singing on the streets and wow it'll be so cool.

also, my audition is in a week and i have to practice.

also, it's 3:52am. dayum.

so that's it for now! this was entry 11 and i hope everyone who reads this has an amazing day.

bye!

entry 10

so my friend confessed to her senpai today.

she's really brave. wonderfully brave. she got rejected, but... i think it's awesome how she went and did that. she's such a cutie. she says that she just wants to get to know him a hella lot more and that's really wonderful so in these short words i'm wishing her amazing luck because if anything, when you fall into the liking trap and come out crawling all battered and broken it's like nOPE COME AT ME MOFO BECAUSE I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT A REWARD kind of thing but i guess not all things happen like that. at the very least, i'm really cheering for her. wish her good luck, any invisible readers of mine.

also, i don't think i mentioned that on the monday after that friday when canoe guy did the thing (in reference to the last post), that i was waiting for my teacher to come to class and it was in the hallways and he passed by but when he did we met eyes and he nodded to me and smiled and dear lord that was a really, really nice feeling /deep sigh and i smiled and nodded back and that made my damn day and i am pretty scared of that. i'm scared of the little things that's been making me happy and the little things that make me so insecure and scared it's just--- it's just really... different and scary and i don't like it because, well, canoe guy and shy girl don't mix.

seriously right now i'm so done with this big ball of feels because jfc why is life when people can think about you so much and you wouldn't even know--?

so this stage is called 'puppy love' i'm pretty sure /nodnod. luckily it'll pass and i'll be free yo.

because right now i'm noticing the smallest of things like when he smiles and then bam happiness hits you like a llama spits on you and then he talks to a girl and i guess it's some weird kind of jealousy where it's a sudden reminder that i'm not adequate, kind of thing. teenager insecurities, what can i say? it makes me want to talk to him more and funny because i know the basic outline of his personality but because i do i just imagine ''future'' conversations with the dude and try to start conversations but end up hesitating and it just makes me want to get to know him so much more because he genuinely seems like a good person and a good friend and i just--

/flips table. my imagination is great as a writer but it'll be my downfall as a victim of puppy love.

my friend got me thinking though - if i'd ever confess to this canoe guy and my answer to that is yes because i think, liking someone is such a beautiful thing (loving someone is even more beautiful) and that because i'm such a romantic i would want them to know. a confession of mine would probably be really weird because i'd be fangirling to them about themselves-- yeah.

iunno, at least it'd make their day?

goddayum i have no idea. i just think it's worth the victim of the liking knowing. i just don't want it to get so blown up because these things do and it's pretty stupid.

so in the meantime, i'm... pretty happy with myself because i've been talking to more people. one of my friends, claire, is really awesome. me and her really unite as shy people and that's super spiffy, huehue. i'm glad because we talked about the victims of our life recently and i expressed the what i practically wrote above and how i was done with liking this guy because i say hi and stuff but i'm just pondering about the point, and what she said was that if someone said hi to you often, they'd seem more approachable and i kind of got knocked out of that train of thought because i remembered one of the most awesome quotes of all time 'a simple hello can lead to a million things'. i really feel for her though because she's liked this guy for two years and she confessed to him about two years ago and he rejected her-- but she still liked him and she said she'd confess to him for the final time around this yea. that's really good for her because i think, if she just lets him know then not only would he be awkward but he'd be happy and flattered  - i can bet you he will - but she might be able to get over him no matter how hard that is and she'd be satisfied if she knew that the fact she liked him made his day, because i think it'd make anyone's day, having a cutie confess to you.

sometimes i get these moods where i'm really up myself and just like 'yeah u know what canoe guy, you're lucky i like you' but then i'm like 'okay no you're not because there's probably other popular and beautiful girls out there who like you as well so... yeah my feelings aren't that special probably' /sigh. being a teenager is weird.

i went to the gym on thursday (it's friday today) and then i went to squash with my bro and i was already feeling tired because of basketball on wednesday but then today i went rollerskating and holy crepes everything hurts it's not even funny like my butt feels like it'll combust sometime if i tense it or if i'm trying to take a dump so yeah. life. well i guess it's a good feeling but it's not because y'know how you feel good but exhausted after exercising? well this is like 3x the exhaustion bit.

also, i'm auditioning for the illawarra performing ensemble! it's... gonna be nerve-wracking but i hope i do well. i have to practice. it's on the 15th of december, so yeah, i have some time.

also recently i released a ladybug into the wild and it was gr8 ((so inspirational wow)).

so friends, this is entry 10!

have a wonderful day because everyone deserves a day full of smiles and all that jazz. reminder to sit up straight darlings.