Saturday, 18 January 2014

entry 13

man i haven't posted in a long time huh?

well i guess, a lot has happened since 2013. welcome 2014 but jesus, time is going by so quickly next thing you know i'll be getting ready for the biggest test that does decide my future and gives so much bad, bad pressure: the hsc. i envy those who don't need to have that kind of pressure on them. /sigh.

anyway, enough of my complaining (but then again this blog is pretty much all my complaining so /shrugs). i just hope i can write everything before my dad comes home.

uhm so, basically on the last day of school (jamberoo) i told canoe guy he had a nice smile and i have no idea if he heard me or not and honestly, looking back i'm not sure whether it'd be good for him to or bad for him to have heard me (long story short: i lost my wallet, i got it, we passed by each other and i said it).



my life is damn full of 'em. /deep whale sigh.

christmas was nice, i think...

i uh, i can't remember it fully now even though it was like twenty something days or go, but yeah. it was nice. i wanted a basketball. i got a book about sports instead. buuut my family and i went up to sydney and had all you can eat korean barbeque and wagyu meat is amazing!!


but seriously, a book about sports instead of an actual sport item that would-- brother why.

new years was okay. my bro took the family out just to see fireworks and i should've brought my glasses (oh, i'm getting new ones as well so wootwoot) so i could see them in high definition, but i didn't because i am a silly butt.

i'm a bit apprehensive of the new year, but i guess i look forward to it as well. apprehensive because this will be the last year where i can actually take a breather and have fun but i do reaaaally look forward to it because jAPAN. and bush school is coming up, so that's cool. apprehensive also because a friend is leaving.

tw: suicide/self-harm-

basically, that friend is dear ames, and yesterday (although it'll be the day after yesterday i guess since it's 1:44am now) i helped her flush her blades. she didn't want to at first and let's just say i was just... i guess i was disappointed but moreover i was worried so i told her my opinion that she should (earlier she'd sent me a message that said she didn't know if she could do it herself so she wanted me there, so i just wanted to confirm that she'd take a step /eventually/). but i remembered that i wrote her a letter, so i gave it to her to read first and then we talked and talked and talked and then finally she offered to flush them. i asked her if she was sure and she said she was and i asked her again. she said yes.

we talked and talked and talked again and i think she was stalling and she was feeling nervous but eventually we did it. i made her promise me she'd flush all of them and i sat quietly on the make-do bed i had to sleep in (since it was a sleepover) and she'd hid quite a lot, and she recovered a lot. but she said 'i think that's all' and that was a warning sign in itself, so i inquired, 'you think?' slowly, she nodded and muttered, 'i don't know where my other ones are'. but i couldn't force her to do anything. but there were a lot of blades, i just hope there weren't that many left. i don't know if she lied to me or not -- the probability is very high -- but i just hope that she'll be able to overcome it. i just hope.

i don't know if i'm relieved.

i feel like i was on a battlefield rigged with landmines and even though right now i'm hurting and injured from the weapons i'm just glad i didn't step on any mines. i'm so emotionally and mentally tired it's not funny.

i told her later, that if something were to happen in the future and she did something... then no matter what she didn't have to be afraid of me being disappointed in her.

i just want her to be happy and i pray to whatever up there that she will find her reason.

man, am i being cliche or anything like that?

i'm just really,




but i'll get better.

a lot of thoughts were exchanged.


this is making me feel drained. but i'm writing it so that i won't forget the strength and the tiredness that will hopefully be worth it.


so yeah.


not sure what to feel about it.



be safe and awesome alright any readers out there? i'm also watching sukitte ii na yo and it's cute but it escalates really frickin quickly.


bye! this is entry 13 yo.


  1. you did good
    v good
    i want to do a course at lifeline
    i was talking to this girl at work
    whos doing pschology at uni and doing a course at lifeline
    where they teach you how to deal with suicide calls
    then you volunteer there for a while
    and i think that would be REALLY scary
    but aslo really great
    because i feel so hopeless when thee comes to me for help
    like fuck i dont know how to deal with these things
    but i want to help
    so yeah.
    but i think that was really good of you
    and strong
    so well done
    even if she didnt get all of them
    i think it helped her

    1. yeah, that's what my brother did. he told me that what i did with ames was what he usually did with his clients and i talked to him about it a lot and he said i shouldn't have to be dealing with these things at this age, hah. it's normal to feel helpless, unfortunately.
      my brother sometimes came home with heavy tired eyes and you have to be prepared for the mental drainage. really prepared because sometimes you just can't help because that's the reality of things.
      but yes, it is good helping people with all your might.
      good luck with whatever happens in the future!