entry 11

wow so, so many things have happened.

or at the very least, it seems so long since i last wrote here. maybe because i've been meaning to, i just haven't.

christmas is near and that means it's nearly time for me to write my long-ass christmas cards.

...

it's actually really fun, writing christmas cards.

i went rollerskating today. it was fun and i think i'm getting better at it. i love achieving the feeling of gliding -- which doesn't come too often when you're busy struggling not to hit the ground with your face. my friend got me into mariana trench and i'm considering signing up for festivus (a school thing) and performing.

so sometimes i get these moments where i wonder what i'm doing and whether it's pointless or not.

and then other times i get really happy looking back at the people i've met, and wanting to get to know them more.

today i was more... just proud and super happy at myself because i've actually made quite a few friends or made myself more approachable to certain people and that's really awesome.

my friend avery today was like

jesse okay there's something hard in my pocket

and i was like dude wth r u talking about m8

and he pulled out this soy sauce container in the shape of a small fish
shrugged
and gave it to me

and i was like dude why do i want this is it because i'm asian

and he laughed

but i still have it

i don't even know

so y'know ladybug guy?

today i was pondering whether or not to ask him if he wanted a christmas card because i figured -- i think we were kind of friends?? i just thought it might be nice to give him one but i just wasn't sure if it'd be weird or not -- so basically all day i was like okay should i ask him or not and he was walking by my english class (last class of the day) and so i went up to him and was like hey, uhm do you want a christmas card? and i'm pretty sure he was like o: so i just went on and was like because i kinda figured... we were... friends asdfg and ughGHGH i seriously stuttered so much and kind of just was like 'n-nevermind yo issok' and walked away but he followed me and was like 'aw' i think and said 'sure'

and later he was like

'we're friends'

and asdfghjkLKJHG okay that made me happy ugh

that's nice of him y'know-- awh man okay that's really cool

and dadjokes

dadjokes are beautiful

okay so i had this plan

as a conversation starter, just using dadjokes

the dadjoke i used today was:

'hey so what do you call a fish without eyes'
'a fsh'

ba DUM TSK

so funny right

anyway, i told this to canoe guy today

and he smiled and shook his head saying 'that's terrible'

to which i replied 'it's beautiful!'

and we kind of laughed a bit before i just walked ahead, before stopping and saying 'i can tell you more next friday' and he nodded, and then i was like 'look forward to it aha' and then we both kind of parted with 'have a good weekend'. i'm pretty sure i came off as odd but i made him smile and that's worth it /flops.

mang, seriously when he smiles-- what a dork. if i tell someone they're smile is really pretty, would that be a bit creepy?

hm.

i really want to talk to him more asdfg. i want to talk to a lot of people more actually.

i just hesitate especially when it comes to seeing how other people do way better at me at talking, and i just think of myself as inferior and i know that's not the case, it just... yeah. it's like i can do something but in the end that something won't even account to much?

although the other day me and claire were talking. we were talking about when i was in keira and how i moved to smiths hill and i said i was glad i moved to smiths hill, and she said she was glad too. then she said when i was in year seven, in tech class, i turned to her one day smiled and said that she had pretty eyes. she said i seemed really outgoing then and she couldn't believe i actually felt shy, but honestly i don't even remember past me saying that -- it was just an offhand comment. and yet, she remembered it and when she told me that i just felt proud of my little self. if i ever went back in time, i'd give my little self a pat on the back -- but if i met her when she was still in keira i'd give her a hug. did i ever tell you guys about that? how in keira i kind of just retreated into my own little shell? i think i did, but that''s the gist of it. i didn't smile, didn't talk, didn't try.

if my past self could see the present me, would she be proud?

that's a really odd question. good one though, huh?

with christmas coming, the end of school is also impending and that means i'll be in year ten next year and the thought it a bit frightening, where is time going? also, i signed up for being in a buddy program (because 4 new people are coming next year! how cool! i feel for them though, they must be at least a little anxious -- which is why i want to help them) and for planning the year ten formal i really hope i get picked.

i'm really done with canoe guy though. i'm not sure whether i like him or not because i'm so done and every time i look at him i remind myself i am an idiot so i always tend to look away now.

also, busking.

busking will be great. we'll be going with the vocal ensemble and singing on the streets and wow it'll be so cool.

also, my audition is in a week and i have to practice.

also, it's 3:52am. dayum.

so that's it for now! this was entry 11 and i hope everyone who reads this has an amazing day.

bye!