is altruism real?
apparently they discussed that question in year 10 philosophy but i never did it so i guess i don't really know the answer.
smiles are simply beautiful y'know? especially when they're aimed at you! like holy crap, what some people would do to get others to smile. random ass things that's what. i'm currently eating oatmeal and the greek yoghurt ran out :')
so uhhhh
i sometimes feel like if i write stuff down here, it'll jinx me. as in i'll write something awesome that happened and then follow it up with some kind of action that makes awkwardness befall on everything else. you feel? :/
for the sake of not wanting to forget (heck i have to write about the japanese trip still but i do remember lots of things from it... god do i want to go back - but the thing is i want to go back with the class again, just for that same feeling. highschool is coming to an end, it's scary, i don't want it to end at the same time as i am excited for the end... but i just don't want to leave my year haha), here i go hey:
--------------
Me:
after gyoza right people had to clean and i just helped to gather some plates and i'm so glad i did ;;; like it was just me lenalee (*refer to february 2014), jude, let's call her ummmm lola coz she could totes pull off a saucy pin-up girl look and rock it, and snay - who were cleaning stuff up
and so we went to the staff kitchen and washed things there
and like at first jude filled the sink up with water and lola was getting a sponge and stuff but it would've took a bit of time for her to clean everything so i got another sponge and helped her clean and iunno suddenly i was cleaning and using sponges and lola and jude were drying or lola was doing something and lenalee was doing something else
and like ;; meanwhile we were talking and just making jokes like jude was like nah you don't need to rinse stuff and i was like but it's soapy man and lenalee was like yeah people are gonna eat from that
and like why did jude fill up the sink with water coz we didn't need it filled
but like we were just talking and it was nice ;;; and like jude was asking for the knife covers
so i gave them to him and like when i did i'm going to cry like his hand kind of did this thing and i s2g it's probs just me but like slowly grazed my finger i'm gonna cry but his hand was so gentle save me
and like in the moment it wasn't so !!!Ssadjdj/sob
it was more like ??
and like after that we finished washing and griffo treated us to more gyoza
Cookie:
Because he washes the dishes white people way
Omg even more haha
YOUR SHOUJO MOMENT
Graze of the hand
Me:
LOL yeah and me and lenalee and lola were joking like maybe it's just us
yeah ;;;;;;;;; and like omg so after we were walking out of the class
i was like to jude nice dancing w/ the harmony thing btw
Cookie:
Im proud of u man
Me:
and he was like hahaha thank you and i was like ;;
and then in eng ext
like iunno we were given a presentation apparently due next week tuesday and i was like what because y'know bio and music camp
when jude was like hey jesse
and i was like oh yo man and like it was across tables
and like sir bro was talking and he said something
Cookie:
Yo man...
Me:
and i couldn't hear it so i was like could u say that again
i'm paraphrasing ok ;;
Cookie:
Oh thank god
Me:
and he said it again but i couldn't hear it coz at the same time
sir bro was talking
Cookie:
I thought you actually said that
Lol it was probably "you have a lot of grey hairs"
Me:
and like i was like i can't hear you kind of in like a 'laughing coz u keep trying but sir bro keeps talking' kind of way
Cookie:
Lol i can actually imagine this happen
Me:
and he did this cute little smile om i'm /sob like he smiled in the 'i know' kind of way and i was like ;;;
and then finally after sir bro finished he was like
aren't we going to the tanken centre next week?
and i was like ?? the tanken centre? i had no idea about that
and he was like yeah apparently we might be going there next week or maybe the week after i'm not sure
Cookie:
I dont think so...
Me:
and i was like oh okay that's sweet!! and he was like :) and i was like :)
and that was it
but ;;;;;;;;
Cookie:
AWWWW HE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO ASK UN THO
Me:
YEAH I WAS JUST HTINKGIN THAT
/SOB
LIKE i had no idea i'm gonna cry he's so cudfhasdjashdfghj
omgmgmgmmg SAVE ME BRI
THE PINKY GRAZE
/DIES
Cookie:
IT'S OKAY JESSE
Me:
THE PINKY GRAZE KILLED ME
Cookie:
U gotta make more moments like this happen k
Me:
OMG I REENACTED IT WITH MY BRO
LIKE I WAS TELLING HIM THE STORY
Cookie:
Just dont force it too much
Me:
AND HE DIDN't GET IT
YES!!!! okay!!!
Cookie:
Omfg u reenacted it
Me:
i'm not sure what i'd talk to him about... but then again it's just about making friends so like just be normal huh
yeah and then my bro was like ohhhh i get you
and like he told me this story how he did that with this girl he liked once called joanne
Cookie:
Yeah treat him as a normal person
Not someone you like
Otherwise you'll get too caught up
Me:
yeah
Cookie:
Like everyone haha
Me:
your advice is really great bri-chi /sob
Cookie:
Omg joanne haha
Me:
yeah omg and so apparently it was rainy
and guess what there was only one umbrella
Cookie:
shoujo manga has showed me the ways
Frick and they went to a shrine
And he invited her to the summer festival?
Me:
and so joanne was like i'll hold it and my bro was like nah it's okay i'll hold it and like so she didn't stop holding it so he put his hand on hers and she didn't mind and then he didn't know what to do with his other arm so he put his arm around her and was like "alright we gotta battle this rain!!" and apparently it worked
yes you predicted it
you got it so right i'm in awe
bri i'm so happy ;; like we actually talk to each other a bit and it doesn't feel too awkward haha but also i'M SO EXCITED FOR THE APPARENT TANKEN CENTRE THING??? LIKE I'VE BEEN MISSING SO MUCH JAPANESE DUE TO EXCURSIONS BUT NOW WE MIGHT BE GOING ON A JAP EXCURSION I WAS actually like so happy
Cookie:
Omg this joanne chick so wanted in too haha
Tanken centre much fun such wow
It'll be cool tho cos my friends will actually be here this time haha
what weren't we there with u last time
Me:
OMG IT WOULD BE SO GOod
IT WILL BE
THE BEST
/sBp
o'm jsut still kinda :')
hsi hand was so gentle wth total shoujo moment i'm crying also i'm just a bit happy?? iunno but that he went out of his way probably not much but y'know to just tell me about the whole tanken centre deal like it's interesting coz it's different from with lachlan? like before then every time i'd talk to him it was just so taboo kinda and like his friends would be so /save me
but this is a good start like i feel like maybe y'know if i take things step by step maybe it'll be ok???
Cookie:
Last time we weren't in the same class so i was with yass, sam and claire but claire bailed out cos she had a jpn stdent
Yeh friends first man
Otherwise you might realise that he's not what you imagined him to be and then it's hard to fall back on friendship
At least that's what happened to me
Me:
yeah
wow shoujo really has done you good
and experience
;;; my beautiful precious bae
Cookie:
SHOUJO IS THE WORLD
Me:
YOU ARE THE WORLD
/SOB
Cookie:
IT HAS OPENED UP SOMUCH
...
Me:
/SOB
LOVE YOU SO MUCH /SOB
you make me so happy bri-chi /sob for your advice and listening to me and everything ;;;;;;;;;;;
Cookie:
you remind me of makita yuuri from ao haru ride hahaha
no problem, you guys have done the same
so now time for me to return
makita yuuri is that the one with the short hair
Me:
/SOB OMG
you seriously like captured my heart with that smooth baby butt line
marry me
Cookie:
yes she is hahaha
.... smooth baby butt line
PLS NO MORE
I
have been receiving too much cheesy stuff from friends
Me:
:)))))) i love it ur so cute man
smooth baby butt line
YOU ARE a smooth baby butt
BD
ao haru ride is actually so much teenage drama man
-------------
and there you go
honestly after that i was just feeling really happy and i don't know like i was looking at hamilla and smiling because her smile looked so sweet in the moment she was probs telling the bandaid some crappy pun or something but honestly
altruism huh
/smiles
(i couldn't find an emoticon that could express myself so i wrote the above instead)
have a wonderful day!
also i just wanna say i'm so excited because i'm going to zone and i got 100% on my japanese test so i'm really proud!
bye!!
Showing posts with label jude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jude. Show all posts
Thursday, 30 April 2015
Wednesday, 8 April 2015
entry 32
Motherhen:
If you have the determination then you can do it
My Dad always says "Luck is opportunity meets preparation"
Me:
that's a really nice quote
Motherhen:
So if you make sure you're on the lookout for opportunities
And if you're prepared
Then you can talk to him!!
There's no reason why you couldn't
Me:
gooooood you're beautiful like those are such nice
Motherhen:
Yeah you should put it on your wall B)
Me:
B) i will
Motherhen:
I am pretty beautiful
Me:
you really are
Motherhen:
But you're MORE beautiful
Me:
nO you don't say that man
Motherhen:
Ugh FINE we're EQUALLY beautiful
But anyway
Me:
i think everyone has equal potential for beauty and that we're well-matched B)
LOL
Motherhen:
Yeah so don't feel so down about it!! Because you can do it!!
Me:
BD
i, hhgg i think i'm actually pretty fallen like today i just kind of thought of him when i saw the cricket going on and i had this thought and it was "_____ might be watching this, he likes cricket doesn't he?" so i sat down and observed it for a bit because i thought maybe if i could understand a bit or have a big of knowledge over it maybe i could...
Motherhen:
Awwwww
AWWWWWWWWWWW
Me:
and it went weird because my FACe i felt it in my FACE you know... like when you think of the person you like....... and your eyes go soft?? oh god
Motherhen:
/dies because of cuteness
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Me:
and it did that and i realised i did that and i was like CRAP this really isn't good i've done the thing i've gone and done the thing
UGH
Motherhen:
D: that's so cute
Me:
D:
me too
D:
Motherhen:
You know what this is GOOD
You might not realise it
But however this goes
You'll grow and learn from the experiences
................................................................................................................................................
well ANYWAY
you know i should probably ask permission to use conversations as transcripts for my blog... you know what i mean...?
today is a beautiful day [1/4/15 - cross country] and some really awesome things have happened in the past week
------and MAN jesus christ i've had this draft floating here for a while and i'm hoping to get it done by today so let's begin again shall we? [8/4/15]
i just wanna point out that in the first date i wrote there, i put there year as 2012 :////// ???
well okay i changed it
right now my computer room smells like tuna and cheese and sweet potato
and THAT'S A-OKAY WITH ME MAN YEAH, smells good
anyway
i think there's something really great about putting lots of effort into something and being able to share the gratification of some sort of reward, achievement - with someone else who has put in just as much effort as you. that's something beautiful and connecting, i think! for example, it was just really offhand but after doing the cross country I CAME SEVENTH IN 16 YEAR OLD GIRLS /CHOKED SOBBING and i'm still really proud of that ehe but basically i was just waiting for my friends to pop up at the finish line when i just made conversation with ladybug guy and it was just really nice and friendly and all and we were just talking about the places we came, i was like how'd you go man? :) and he was like i came sixth, and i was like WOAH SERIOUSLY MAN?? that is so cool coz like i came seventh and he was like wow sweet!! and we high fived and high fives warm my heart ;;; and then we began talking about fitness and stuff and while it was a very brief conversation it was really nice to share the same kind of achievement with someone??
and even during running it was so great, along the track i passed by people i knew from my year and some just called out "go jesse!" and "keep it up!" and having that kind of encouragement handed to you, iunno it just really touched me for some reason and i was so happy and honoured to be on the receiving end of those short statements
aND FRIENDS ARE LIKE SO COOL OKAY SO
cinnamon and hamilla, i was just talking about how i was so ready to crosS THE COUNTRY and all and cinnamon and hamilla were like hey you go girl; i have no idea where my other friends were at the moment and i was like thank you ;; and talking about encouragement, while i was beginning to run, they were the ones who were like yEAH U GO JESSE and i was like sobbing on the inside just marvelling at how great my friends were and especially when i finished the race and met up with them, literally my heart was just heating up in there because after the race when i told them my place, they just smiled so much and it really felt like they were really happy for me and just that, the notion of them being happy for me being happy was just so amazing and that feeling is just one i want to capture in a tiny glass bottle and clip it to a necklace so that it's always there and close to my heart and so i never forget it
and they hugged me even though we were all seriously sweating like beasts and probably swapped too many germs to mention
but it was just so nice y'know?
my friends are seriously...... all angels............ i honestly can't stress that enough..
there was this feeling of guilty 'YEAH man i can be a good runner'/victorious type of feel when i passed by this group distinctly related to fish (that maths dude from waaay back) but basically the reasons consisted of the fact that the guys went first and girls went second so like i'd caught up to them B) and i heard one of them saying something akin to "huh wow smiths hill girls represent"
like yeah man i'm so powerful i'm gonna run up a storm if u kno what i mean......
n... ... okay no it's okay if you don't know what i mean i don't.. really know what i mean either but i'm thinking up a dust cloud u know how u run really fast you create dust clouds
anyway
the same day on cross country, i'll go chronologically-
usually i come really late to school and so sometimes i face that dilemma of all your friends sitting at a fully occupied table and having to sit on your lonesome at some other distant, isolated table and try to look like a cool lone wolf while doing so and not some sad individual discreetly or not so discreetly sending winks at your friends and hoping your being sensual lures them to migrate towards you instead
actually you can act either way and they wouldn't be better or worse than the other but the point is, i'd faced that dilemma in my first class that day, a wednesday, meaning i had english first which meant haz/bri-chi/skipper/cinnamon were in my class. perfect four, y'see what i'm getting at?
so i entered the room and ducked my head in some weird head-nod acknowledgement to my teacher who has announced that a pet peeve of hers is people coming late and she nodded and took my late note off me and i kinda just made a :') face to the four friends sitting at the perfect square table in the middle of the room, all seats obviously taken by four perfect butts and so i went ahead and plopped /my/ butt to my usual seat which was at a 6-seater table
and first haz stood up gathered her bag and was like cya dudes and came to the table i was at and probably my eyes sparkled in that moment and i felt a rush of love for her as she also plopped her pooper on the table i sat at and then out of the corner of my eye i saw the other three doin some crazy telepathic nods and exchange of eye contact with each other and then all of them stood and relocated to my table and i just felt like MAN my friends are SO cool like YEAH this is so cool FRIENDS and miss just kinda like iunno i think it was all silent and miss was just like wow ok and i was like crying on the inside, it seriously just made my day and i was like god i am so blessed
and yeah
so that's story one and this is story two
is it safe to establish that i've begun liking someone again? :/
it was probably established in the last few posts but they were vague
if the transcript at the beginning of the post isn't clear enough, i've kinda fallen into that stage again where i literally did just go to the last day of school in hopes of maybe just seeing jude and saying a first 'hello',.. y'know? haha
it's horrible because on tuesday there was a japanese hsc I AM SOBBING BECAUSE ohohhhohoohohhhh my goododoododdod there was this one question right, and it went like this - it was a listening task and you had to answer questions based on it but basically it went
"shukudai o wasurenaide, gakkou ni mottekite ne"
shukudai = homework
wasuremasu = the verb form: 'to forget"
wasuremasen = the formal for way of saying 'not forget'
wasurenai = the informal version of 'not forget' like e.g shukudai o wasurenai ne. hai, wasurenakatta.
ugh it depends on how you say it so this is probably a really difficult explanation :/
but basically wasurenaide is a command (the de at the end makes it so//which branches off into the te form which would be a whole 'nother thing to explain) and it means "don't forget your homework"
the second sentence says bring it to school okay?
buT THE THING IS /SOB
that 'naide' may also mean 'without' depending on the context, for example, benkyou o shinaide, shiken o uketa
which means without studying, i took a test
AND GUESS WHAT I WROTE
"without forgetting your homework, bring it to school"
like at first i was like 'don't forget your homework, bring it to school' and like i was pretty sure about that but then as i looked at it more, as i REALLY looked at it and began picking apart eVERYTHING (which i shouldn't have done), i became unsure and was like crap what if its the other form... what if......... and so i wrote 'without' instead which makes even LESS grammatical sense but i wanted to 'be sure' /sob so that's a mistake i made i'm crying
anyway
back on topic, i really wanted to say good luck to jude, i really did and it's such a small thing but i was so ready
we were wearing mufti that day and man i was so ready, preparing clothes and thinking 'this outfit looks good'
but he was absent that day and i was secretly a bit dismayed at that, yeah
isn't it so interesting how people can impact you like that? so cool right?
and then the next day which was cross country, i was so ready i was like yeah i'm going to do my hardest and if i do well it'll show and if it'll show would it impress him? would that be alright for me to hope for? and also this want to see him there and show off was definitely present as i searched for what would be suitable to wear for that run and he wasn't there again but then i did something that day that made me backtrack and think 'wow ok'
but so omoiyari (src buddy member man who is too A+ to handle tbh, such a cool guy) was trying to rope in yellow house members (hello!!) to take a group photo and i heard that siren call man so i pulled up my friend turtle (hint: her last name starts with turt - also that day it was sooo good we talked to each other more and we already get along so well and it was just beautiful talking with her and bonding!!!!) and we took a group pic and then it was time for a house captain picture and okay so jude's yellow's house captain along with omoiyari right; i knew that
i knew that....
and so i was talking to omoiyari
and i began saying, "oh yeah, so who is the other house captain? we have another guy right...?"
and omoiyari was like "OH yeah that's jude, he's either at isa or taking a day off lol"
and i was like "isa??" and omoiyari nodded and was like "yea it's that travelling music group" and i think i know it, they have purple shirts when they show up and they do really neat performances and i was like "ah okay that's sweet"
and in the back of my mind, something's telling me that omoiyari knows why i asked that but hey it's all g, though what might make it more obvious is that i've asked omoiyari advice on the topic of how to talk to people you don't really have common interests with but honestly i did that cause i trust omoiyari and i really do think he's a good person to talk to
so yeah
it was the fact that wow man i feigned ignorance and did that..... i'm so sly....... shady.......... slim shady................. shady..........................
........................
yeah....................... shady........ /shakes head and frowns
okay anyway
i've been reading poetry lately (lol save me before i become some cheesy cringe-ball) and it amazes me how so much power can be put into words
and here was something i was writing which readers, you might find incredibly cringy don't judge me tho i think we've passed the judgement stage and if we haven't maybe i've been doing something wrong but: (((if you want it ask for the link lol i changed my mind and was like WOAH it's cringy so if u want it ask me in real life if you know me <3)))
anyway i've been using snapchat lately and here are some quality snaps:
have a good day! :)
OH WAIT
so its holidays right
i went to motherhen's house the other day to practice for music camp which is happening like the day after school resumes
and we're singing this
and MAN if i say so myself we make a beautiful pair i'm just saying we're gonna be sooo cool B))) it's our synergy; we came to the conclusion after talking about hot cross buns that we, combined, are an evolved version of nicki minaj; anaconda is our jam
lookie here B)
and i'm thinking i'll use soundcloud more often, huh...
-jesse out yo, stay safe!!
If you have the determination then you can do it
My Dad always says "Luck is opportunity meets preparation"
Me:
that's a really nice quote
Motherhen:
So if you make sure you're on the lookout for opportunities
And if you're prepared
Then you can talk to him!!
There's no reason why you couldn't
Me:
gooooood you're beautiful like those are such nice
Motherhen:
Yeah you should put it on your wall B)
Me:
B) i will
Motherhen:
I am pretty beautiful
Me:
you really are
Motherhen:
But you're MORE beautiful
Me:
nO you don't say that man
Motherhen:
Ugh FINE we're EQUALLY beautiful
But anyway
Me:
i think everyone has equal potential for beauty and that we're well-matched B)
LOL
Motherhen:
Yeah so don't feel so down about it!! Because you can do it!!
Me:
BD
i, hhgg i think i'm actually pretty fallen like today i just kind of thought of him when i saw the cricket going on and i had this thought and it was "_____ might be watching this, he likes cricket doesn't he?" so i sat down and observed it for a bit because i thought maybe if i could understand a bit or have a big of knowledge over it maybe i could...
Motherhen:
Awwwww
AWWWWWWWWWWW
Me:
and it went weird because my FACe i felt it in my FACE you know... like when you think of the person you like....... and your eyes go soft?? oh god
Motherhen:
/dies because of cuteness
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Me:
and it did that and i realised i did that and i was like CRAP this really isn't good i've done the thing i've gone and done the thing
UGH
Motherhen:
D: that's so cute
Me:
D:
me too
D:
Motherhen:
You know what this is GOOD
You might not realise it
But however this goes
You'll grow and learn from the experiences
................................................................................................................................................
well ANYWAY
you know i should probably ask permission to use conversations as transcripts for my blog... you know what i mean...?
today is a beautiful day [1/4/15 - cross country] and some really awesome things have happened in the past week
------and MAN jesus christ i've had this draft floating here for a while and i'm hoping to get it done by today so let's begin again shall we? [8/4/15]
i just wanna point out that in the first date i wrote there, i put there year as 2012 :////// ???
well okay i changed it
right now my computer room smells like tuna and cheese and sweet potato
and THAT'S A-OKAY WITH ME MAN YEAH, smells good
anyway
i think there's something really great about putting lots of effort into something and being able to share the gratification of some sort of reward, achievement - with someone else who has put in just as much effort as you. that's something beautiful and connecting, i think! for example, it was just really offhand but after doing the cross country I CAME SEVENTH IN 16 YEAR OLD GIRLS /CHOKED SOBBING and i'm still really proud of that ehe but basically i was just waiting for my friends to pop up at the finish line when i just made conversation with ladybug guy and it was just really nice and friendly and all and we were just talking about the places we came, i was like how'd you go man? :) and he was like i came sixth, and i was like WOAH SERIOUSLY MAN?? that is so cool coz like i came seventh and he was like wow sweet!! and we high fived and high fives warm my heart ;;; and then we began talking about fitness and stuff and while it was a very brief conversation it was really nice to share the same kind of achievement with someone??
and even during running it was so great, along the track i passed by people i knew from my year and some just called out "go jesse!" and "keep it up!" and having that kind of encouragement handed to you, iunno it just really touched me for some reason and i was so happy and honoured to be on the receiving end of those short statements
aND FRIENDS ARE LIKE SO COOL OKAY SO
cinnamon and hamilla, i was just talking about how i was so ready to crosS THE COUNTRY and all and cinnamon and hamilla were like hey you go girl; i have no idea where my other friends were at the moment and i was like thank you ;; and talking about encouragement, while i was beginning to run, they were the ones who were like yEAH U GO JESSE and i was like sobbing on the inside just marvelling at how great my friends were and especially when i finished the race and met up with them, literally my heart was just heating up in there because after the race when i told them my place, they just smiled so much and it really felt like they were really happy for me and just that, the notion of them being happy for me being happy was just so amazing and that feeling is just one i want to capture in a tiny glass bottle and clip it to a necklace so that it's always there and close to my heart and so i never forget it
and they hugged me even though we were all seriously sweating like beasts and probably swapped too many germs to mention
but it was just so nice y'know?
my friends are seriously...... all angels............ i honestly can't stress that enough..
there was this feeling of guilty 'YEAH man i can be a good runner'/victorious type of feel when i passed by this group distinctly related to fish (that maths dude from waaay back) but basically the reasons consisted of the fact that the guys went first and girls went second so like i'd caught up to them B) and i heard one of them saying something akin to "huh wow smiths hill girls represent"
like yeah man i'm so powerful i'm gonna run up a storm if u kno what i mean......
n... ... okay no it's okay if you don't know what i mean i don't.. really know what i mean either but i'm thinking up a dust cloud u know how u run really fast you create dust clouds
anyway
the same day on cross country, i'll go chronologically-
usually i come really late to school and so sometimes i face that dilemma of all your friends sitting at a fully occupied table and having to sit on your lonesome at some other distant, isolated table and try to look like a cool lone wolf while doing so and not some sad individual discreetly or not so discreetly sending winks at your friends and hoping your being sensual lures them to migrate towards you instead
actually you can act either way and they wouldn't be better or worse than the other but the point is, i'd faced that dilemma in my first class that day, a wednesday, meaning i had english first which meant haz/bri-chi/skipper/cinnamon were in my class. perfect four, y'see what i'm getting at?
so i entered the room and ducked my head in some weird head-nod acknowledgement to my teacher who has announced that a pet peeve of hers is people coming late and she nodded and took my late note off me and i kinda just made a :') face to the four friends sitting at the perfect square table in the middle of the room, all seats obviously taken by four perfect butts and so i went ahead and plopped /my/ butt to my usual seat which was at a 6-seater table
and first haz stood up gathered her bag and was like cya dudes and came to the table i was at and probably my eyes sparkled in that moment and i felt a rush of love for her as she also plopped her pooper on the table i sat at and then out of the corner of my eye i saw the other three doin some crazy telepathic nods and exchange of eye contact with each other and then all of them stood and relocated to my table and i just felt like MAN my friends are SO cool like YEAH this is so cool FRIENDS and miss just kinda like iunno i think it was all silent and miss was just like wow ok and i was like crying on the inside, it seriously just made my day and i was like god i am so blessed
and yeah
so that's story one and this is story two
is it safe to establish that i've begun liking someone again? :/
it was probably established in the last few posts but they were vague
if the transcript at the beginning of the post isn't clear enough, i've kinda fallen into that stage again where i literally did just go to the last day of school in hopes of maybe just seeing jude and saying a first 'hello',.. y'know? haha
it's horrible because on tuesday there was a japanese hsc I AM SOBBING BECAUSE ohohhhohoohohhhh my goododoododdod there was this one question right, and it went like this - it was a listening task and you had to answer questions based on it but basically it went
"shukudai o wasurenaide, gakkou ni mottekite ne"
shukudai = homework
wasuremasu = the verb form: 'to forget"
wasuremasen = the formal for way of saying 'not forget'
wasurenai = the informal version of 'not forget' like e.g shukudai o wasurenai ne. hai, wasurenakatta.
ugh it depends on how you say it so this is probably a really difficult explanation :/
but basically wasurenaide is a command (the de at the end makes it so//which branches off into the te form which would be a whole 'nother thing to explain) and it means "don't forget your homework"
the second sentence says bring it to school okay?
buT THE THING IS /SOB
that 'naide' may also mean 'without' depending on the context, for example, benkyou o shinaide, shiken o uketa
which means without studying, i took a test
AND GUESS WHAT I WROTE
"without forgetting your homework, bring it to school"
like at first i was like 'don't forget your homework, bring it to school' and like i was pretty sure about that but then as i looked at it more, as i REALLY looked at it and began picking apart eVERYTHING (which i shouldn't have done), i became unsure and was like crap what if its the other form... what if......... and so i wrote 'without' instead which makes even LESS grammatical sense but i wanted to 'be sure' /sob so that's a mistake i made i'm crying
anyway
back on topic, i really wanted to say good luck to jude, i really did and it's such a small thing but i was so ready
we were wearing mufti that day and man i was so ready, preparing clothes and thinking 'this outfit looks good'
but he was absent that day and i was secretly a bit dismayed at that, yeah
isn't it so interesting how people can impact you like that? so cool right?
and then the next day which was cross country, i was so ready i was like yeah i'm going to do my hardest and if i do well it'll show and if it'll show would it impress him? would that be alright for me to hope for? and also this want to see him there and show off was definitely present as i searched for what would be suitable to wear for that run and he wasn't there again but then i did something that day that made me backtrack and think 'wow ok'
but so omoiyari (src buddy member man who is too A+ to handle tbh, such a cool guy) was trying to rope in yellow house members (hello!!) to take a group photo and i heard that siren call man so i pulled up my friend turtle (hint: her last name starts with turt - also that day it was sooo good we talked to each other more and we already get along so well and it was just beautiful talking with her and bonding!!!!) and we took a group pic and then it was time for a house captain picture and okay so jude's yellow's house captain along with omoiyari right; i knew that
i knew that....
and so i was talking to omoiyari
and i began saying, "oh yeah, so who is the other house captain? we have another guy right...?"
and omoiyari was like "OH yeah that's jude, he's either at isa or taking a day off lol"
and i was like "isa??" and omoiyari nodded and was like "yea it's that travelling music group" and i think i know it, they have purple shirts when they show up and they do really neat performances and i was like "ah okay that's sweet"
and in the back of my mind, something's telling me that omoiyari knows why i asked that but hey it's all g, though what might make it more obvious is that i've asked omoiyari advice on the topic of how to talk to people you don't really have common interests with but honestly i did that cause i trust omoiyari and i really do think he's a good person to talk to
so yeah
it was the fact that wow man i feigned ignorance and did that..... i'm so sly....... shady.......... slim shady................. shady..........................
........................
yeah....................... shady........ /shakes head and frowns
okay anyway
i've been reading poetry lately (lol save me before i become some cheesy cringe-ball) and it amazes me how so much power can be put into words
and here was something i was writing which readers, you might find incredibly cringy don't judge me tho i think we've passed the judgement stage and if we haven't maybe i've been doing something wrong but: (((if you want it ask for the link lol i changed my mind and was like WOAH it's cringy so if u want it ask me in real life if you know me <3)))
anyway i've been using snapchat lately and here are some quality snaps:
 |
| nail painting is becoming a thing B) |
 |
| bri-chi convinced me to try a topknot for the cross-country but my hair was too short in the end |
 |
| the motherhen at night |
 |
| the motherhen threatening me |
 |
| the bro and i |
 |
| x9000 |
 |
| me being gangsta |
 |
| motherhen trying to lay down the law (ur not my MOTHER motherhen...... u can't control me,e,,e......) |
have a good day! :)
OH WAIT
so its holidays right
i went to motherhen's house the other day to practice for music camp which is happening like the day after school resumes
and we're singing this
and MAN if i say so myself we make a beautiful pair i'm just saying we're gonna be sooo cool B))) it's our synergy; we came to the conclusion after talking about hot cross buns that we, combined, are an evolved version of nicki minaj; anaconda is our jam
lookie here B)
and i'm thinking i'll use soundcloud more often, huh...
-jesse out yo, stay safe!!
Thursday, 19 March 2015
entry 31.5
valentines 2015
i forgot to mention that it's kind of weird?? maybe but for valentines while sending roses to friends and myself (insert booty face here) i had spare money and thought that sending a flower to jude would be a good thing to do
this is before what happened in the below post though
but i thought sending a flower to someone i've always thought was pretty would be a nice gesture and i guess i wanted to spread the happiness a little bit, like "if i have the ability to make a person smile then that's what i should do"
of course it was anonymous though /inserts real booty face: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
and on it i just wrote "good day/konnichiwa" in japanese with a jap emoticon similar to this: (*＾▽＾)／
and well yeah B)
in that regard, i hope everyone had a spectacular valentines day
say this to ur special someone and bedazzle them with ur language abilities:
kimi no me ga hoshi no you ni kagayaiteiru
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
i forgot to mention that it's kind of weird?? maybe but for valentines while sending roses to friends and myself (insert booty face here) i had spare money and thought that sending a flower to jude would be a good thing to do
this is before what happened in the below post though
but i thought sending a flower to someone i've always thought was pretty would be a nice gesture and i guess i wanted to spread the happiness a little bit, like "if i have the ability to make a person smile then that's what i should do"
of course it was anonymous though /inserts real booty face: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
and on it i just wrote "good day/konnichiwa" in japanese with a jap emoticon similar to this: (*＾▽＾)／
and well yeah B)
in that regard, i hope everyone had a spectacular valentines day
say this to ur special someone and bedazzle them with ur language abilities:
kimi no me ga hoshi no you ni kagayaiteiru
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Tuesday, 17 March 2015
entry 31
久しぶりだな。。。〜
How long has it been?
4 months perhaps?
I reckon a lot has happened in that time. I've become a lot more concrete in my goals for the future, I think, and I've definitely been inspired to do my very best in school work because I guess I've realised that you get what you put in and what I'm doing right now is for my own sake, for the future. The future is a prospect I'm so starry-eyed about but I know sometimes I won't be. If, perhaps, my vision becomes clouded in such a way then I want to say to future!Jesse that everyone will always have potential and the world really is your oyster.
Like, in Haikyuu [AN ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL ANIME DUDES, seriously, Nishinoya is my absolute BAE - どうぞ-], as that somewhat important side-coach says to Kageyama and Hinata after their loss in the final match:
"Does losing prove that you're weak?
Isn't losing difficult for everyone?
...A challenge where, after ending up on your hands and knees, you must see if you can stand up again?
PARAPHRASING; isn't it only if you stay on your hands and knees proof that you are weak?"
つもり、get back up yo. The world may be your oyster but it ain't gonna wait. :D Take things into your own hand.
And so here comes another important point I want to make that got me back on my feet after a challenge I had to accept, when I first went back to Japanese at the start of the year. Btw it's week 8 currently and exam week is next week, so time really has been going by fast.
"If you love it so much, learn it well."
If people have watched Haikyuu, like, if, among my readers who aren't any of my friends, have watched Haikyuu - they should know about the situation with Kageyama and Oikawa.
I felt like Oikawa; that suddenly a genius like Kageyama had come along and at that time I'd thought thoughts like "How can I compete against that?"
Like, no.
So this'll get personal, but s'not as if it really hasn't before right?
So this brilliant girl (and I really mean that because her hard-working spirit is evident and so is her passion) was accelerated to the subject I always... entitled myself to. I don't think entitled is the right word. It's just that, before that, I've always thought things like: "Japanese is all I have, it's all I can do good at, therefore it is mine [my subject] to do good at." But why 'mine'? What does that even mean?
I think that loving something is scary. Being passionate about something is scary. There will always also be scary competition and the first step into getting over the fear of competition, I think, is admitting that those competitors are just as passionate as you. If you love a subject, you should want to do well in it > you /want/ to study it, to indulge in it, you feel like it is a huge source of gratification for yourself. This is definitely not a bad thing, not at all. In fact, it's a really good thing - to have enough passion for a subject to have the determination to do well in it.
But it's like, when you love something that much, for me: I want to do my very best in it. Therefore, I want to be the best at it. Do you think that notion is a bit selfish? Selfish may be defined differently in your sense, compare to what i'm referring to, but regardless, I know I'm a very selfish person so in light of competition I don't have much of a problem admitting that I want to 'win'.
Anyway, when I found out that she'd been accelerated and that her accent was magnificent and she obviously knew a lot about her stuff, I kind of got angry at myself for not knowing as much as her. How did I know I didn't know as much as her? Dunno - was that the truth or was I just challenging myself because I saw her as a 'threat' at first? It just struck me that she was very formidable and I wanted to be just as > more.
So I actually went to the teacher, and I was probably being so blunt but I asked him:
Why is she so good? Is it because she works really hard?
And maybe in that question I kinda said [I work hard too, why am I not better?]
SEE how self-orientated that is? Not sure if that is the word - but see how kind of icky that is?? It makes me feel icky just looking at it!
And when I asked him that, I think I nearly cried because everything came at once:
I accepted that she was really good, if not better.
Sir looked at me and said, gently, something along the lines of: "Well, firstly, she's half Korean and Korean is very similar to Japanese in terms of structure. But she also loves it a lot."
I compared myself to her; I just, just loved Japanese so much that I guess it was hard for me to comprehend the fact that someone might "love" it more but how can you really measure love?
And then he said, "But I know you love it as well, which is why you're good at it."
And so I asked, "How do I get better?"
And then we talked about sakubun (writing pieces) and I've been going to him for advice a lot and he told me that I was always welcome to do extra homework and so that's what I've been doing and it doesn't feel like homework to me, it's just fun and I really, really like doing it. I mean, it's for me. I want to be better, and I think it's fair for me to say that my Japanese teachers are key factors in making me want to be more. Y'know, just, more. I'm so speechlessly grateful for the time they take out of their day to encourage and do things for their students, it just astounds me and this is where my 1AM Reflection comes in (I wrote it on my ipod). It's all I can say and I'll copy it down here, but Mr G. especially has been nothing less than a role model and more than pretty much the best teacher I've ever had hands down. Who else would deal with a girl who asks too many questions???
Here:
1AM Reflection
I don't want to say something like "Japanese is the only subject I have/the only thing I'm good at." (I'm hesitant to use the term 'good' because honestly I still don't know everything about the English language; how can I dare to think I even know a lot about Japanese? The best thing to do is probably just understand what I know and what I don't know.)
Basically, on one hand, this is because I think what you're 'good' at is really just determined by your attitude towards it and how you approach it - I don't think, that by ourselves, we can measure what our best is. I believe there is so much potential in all of us, so much that in fact it becomes immeasurable. On the other hand, I feel like a lot of other people view Japanese or a subject in general as something only they 'have'. In the end, isn't it a matter of if your efforts gratify you or not? It makes you feel worthy because of the effort you put in and that's why you stick to it so much - which reinforces my point that 'goodness' is simply determined by your determination to do well.
I try hard because, well, yeah, I get happy if I'm considered 'good' at it. If I'm validated in my efforts. I like putting in the effort to achieve that gratification, but I'm also really in love with the language. This is said as a fact because I honestly believe I would not put so much of myself into it otherwise. Imagining all the people I'll be able to talk to; the culture which will open up to me, which I'll be able to explore...
I'm so grateful to those teachers who have helped me and taught me and I think I might be a little in love with them too, because they're both people I want to be when I'm an adult. They make me want to become a better person.
Also, storytellers are the best kind of people. I feel like they are the people who have just gotten so much out of life - and surely they'll get more - that they can't help but let those words touch other people: y'know, to achieve that and have that kind of special glint in your eyes when you tell your stories, that's something really wonderful. And the ability to inspire people - that's just crazy.
The highest praise and comment I can give is that I just want to be like them when I'm older.
----
and then it ended there because I was sleepy.
there was this one point also, when jap first started, there was this joke that my friend kept on making about us two being the "alpha"s and i was really uncomfortable because of that and i was just kinda hoping she'd stop making the joke until one day she said it and it was just really loud and my other friend looked at us in a kind of "ummm" way and said, "really guys?" and i kind of immediately was just like wait no!! no!!!!! it wasn't me who said it, i don't think i'm an 'alpha' like EVERYONE is trying really hard and it just like
well, i got angry at jam and i made it obvious that i didn't like the joke and felt like it was just really not good.. spirit?? you feel
anyway it was all good
i apologised after because i shouldn't have been so harsh and the angel just replied with, no it's okay, it's refreshing to see you angry.
i'm happy that we didn't have much of a big fight!
ANYWAY, i might continue this another day but I wanted to speak about another topic today ;;
yes it is time for my teenage shoujo life to come into play again /cough cough hahahhaa...a.a.. shoujo.....
but anyway,
ah,
the heart of a teenage girl.
so if i haven't established that i'm completely over canoe guy, then well, here it is. this is the sentence. take in in.
yep.
well, i am.
and do you remember jude?
not lady bug guy, or fish or ace or anyone else i may've nicknamed....
but yeah, that guy i called pretty in the spur of the moment when i was in that stage of "if u think anything nice you absolutely HAVE to say it HANDS DOWN, HANDS DOWN. HANDS. DOWN U GOT THAT PUNK??? NEED TO SAY IT NWEEDEENEDABAOSLUTELYNEEDEOTHERWISEHTEYWON'TFEELURFEELING--"
well
in that youngin' stage of mine (though i still hold to that belief very well and perhaps should apply it more often) - well, yeah. i guess i've always been kinda conscious of him because he was v. aesthetically pleasing and in that manner i'm shallow, but i'd always just kinda appreciated from afar because of the strong belief that 'wow i am a shy girl/he is popular=i am awkward, things like this will never end well' and y'know i'm still like that and it's just kind of hard to believe that relationships will be possible because i always work myself up too much, y'know, that whole thing with impulses /nods.
wow, just had a thought: isn't this SUCH a weird thing to be talking about after that whole seriousness of the above section? hehe ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
well, i'll just scale things up to today (there's really only one thing that happened on that life-changing japanese trip that i can't believe i haven't written about yet.... but there's just... so much...... hey maybe my not writing it can be seen as how i'm just that speechless about what an experience it was........) -
there was this one time in japan where i was wearing my senpai (jam)'s hatsune miku hat and jude was on the trip as well and was like omg jesse is that hatsune miku and i looked at him and grinned and was like yeah it is! and was secretly pleasantly surprised he even knew what hatsune miku was???
anyway it was a nice, fleeting interaction and it's always those ones that make my day and always stick with me
today, for eng ext, i had to present with two friends let's call one buddy (because i used to talk to him about games and stuff when i was young...........) and the other jasmine because she's like princess jasmine from aladdin, she's really pretty!!
well our presentation was about psychoanalytical criticism
and at first i had a plan to make people laugh with this lil skit about freudan slips and it worked except i entered that rambling stage and was like "so yeah if i were a guy-- wait no, okay if i were a girl-- wait no i am a girl nevermind" and people laughed and i'm glad they laughed at my stumblings, but anyway, it came to my points about freud and how he was sexist and coined dubious things like "penis envy/oedipus complex/castration anxiety" and i kinda was like hmmm i don't feel comfortable saying the p word i mean like y'know so i just said peepee and passed it off as that and everyone began laughing and sir bro (teacher's name is that btw so i'll call him that) was like i don't know why you're fine with saying oedipus complex and castration anxiety but not peepee envy" and then i was like nah well if u wanna say it its fine and then he was like yeah okay tru and began talking to the class about how they should be mature about terms like the p word and how that shouldn't have laughed at my 'peepee' term and THEN he began naming like a bunch of genital uh parts and the class was just like omfg and i was just like omg sir and just turned away and was like i can't believe this like really uncomfortably and it was just really funny
anyway, after i did my explanation, i also had to mention that a feminist called Karen Horney challenged Freud's view and it was all going so well until buddy laughed and then everyone else laughed and me and sir bro were just like i can't believe this but also it was very amusing
anyway
squizz (i think i mentioned her before, she's a fellow src member and friend :D) commented how the "peepee" thing was the highlight of her day which was rly cute and i was like ;; i'm glad it made u laugh
squizz is the type of person who's like the sun, y'know? i think i've talked about people being like suns before but she's the type of person who inspires you to be little bit more; the type of person you're glad exists because they're the types who bother to do little things that make you happy? such as compliments on random days and wide smiles and iunno she spreads laughter like wildfire
anyway, when i was in sac, she was like jesse i have something to tell u
and i was like ???? go ahead
and she was like it's not big or anything
and i was like haha go ahead man
and she said something along the lines of: (i may be paraphrasing???) okay well when i was laughing and stuff like everyone was laughing but i was looking at jude and he was laughing at everything you said and i just thought how cute you two would be together
and i kinda was like o...oh
because y'know?? maybe i thought about....... oh man this is so embarassing, but it's like u know, you ever think about something along the lines like "if we got together" and hhhh wow
look at me and my deep dark romantic side coming to the surface
actually no one's ever really said that to me before so it surprised me as well, aha, and i guess it made me happy? y'know, i guess it was something like wow someone thinks i can be in a relationship with someone else??
ugh is this a weirdly self-depricating train of thought??
i don't mean to put myself down but i don't really view it as putting myself down because that's how i've been thinking
yeah
odd right
anyway
what's scary is that, well, hey TIME FOR MORE HARD TO FOLLOW COPY PASTE FACEBOOK CHATS:
also wow hey i'll be creating a new tag for jude
How long has it been?
4 months perhaps?
I reckon a lot has happened in that time. I've become a lot more concrete in my goals for the future, I think, and I've definitely been inspired to do my very best in school work because I guess I've realised that you get what you put in and what I'm doing right now is for my own sake, for the future. The future is a prospect I'm so starry-eyed about but I know sometimes I won't be. If, perhaps, my vision becomes clouded in such a way then I want to say to future!Jesse that everyone will always have potential and the world really is your oyster.
Like, in Haikyuu [AN ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL ANIME DUDES, seriously, Nishinoya is my absolute BAE - どうぞ-], as that somewhat important side-coach says to Kageyama and Hinata after their loss in the final match:
"Does losing prove that you're weak?
Isn't losing difficult for everyone?
...A challenge where, after ending up on your hands and knees, you must see if you can stand up again?
PARAPHRASING; isn't it only if you stay on your hands and knees proof that you are weak?"
つもり、get back up yo. The world may be your oyster but it ain't gonna wait. :D Take things into your own hand.
And so here comes another important point I want to make that got me back on my feet after a challenge I had to accept, when I first went back to Japanese at the start of the year. Btw it's week 8 currently and exam week is next week, so time really has been going by fast.
"If you love it so much, learn it well."
If people have watched Haikyuu, like, if, among my readers who aren't any of my friends, have watched Haikyuu - they should know about the situation with Kageyama and Oikawa.
I felt like Oikawa; that suddenly a genius like Kageyama had come along and at that time I'd thought thoughts like "How can I compete against that?"
Like, no.
So this'll get personal, but s'not as if it really hasn't before right?
So this brilliant girl (and I really mean that because her hard-working spirit is evident and so is her passion) was accelerated to the subject I always... entitled myself to. I don't think entitled is the right word. It's just that, before that, I've always thought things like: "Japanese is all I have, it's all I can do good at, therefore it is mine [my subject] to do good at." But why 'mine'? What does that even mean?
I think that loving something is scary. Being passionate about something is scary. There will always also be scary competition and the first step into getting over the fear of competition, I think, is admitting that those competitors are just as passionate as you. If you love a subject, you should want to do well in it > you /want/ to study it, to indulge in it, you feel like it is a huge source of gratification for yourself. This is definitely not a bad thing, not at all. In fact, it's a really good thing - to have enough passion for a subject to have the determination to do well in it.
But it's like, when you love something that much, for me: I want to do my very best in it. Therefore, I want to be the best at it. Do you think that notion is a bit selfish? Selfish may be defined differently in your sense, compare to what i'm referring to, but regardless, I know I'm a very selfish person so in light of competition I don't have much of a problem admitting that I want to 'win'.
Anyway, when I found out that she'd been accelerated and that her accent was magnificent and she obviously knew a lot about her stuff, I kind of got angry at myself for not knowing as much as her. How did I know I didn't know as much as her? Dunno - was that the truth or was I just challenging myself because I saw her as a 'threat' at first? It just struck me that she was very formidable and I wanted to be just as > more.
So I actually went to the teacher, and I was probably being so blunt but I asked him:
Why is she so good? Is it because she works really hard?
And maybe in that question I kinda said [I work hard too, why am I not better?]
SEE how self-orientated that is? Not sure if that is the word - but see how kind of icky that is?? It makes me feel icky just looking at it!
And when I asked him that, I think I nearly cried because everything came at once:
I accepted that she was really good, if not better.
Sir looked at me and said, gently, something along the lines of: "Well, firstly, she's half Korean and Korean is very similar to Japanese in terms of structure. But she also loves it a lot."
I compared myself to her; I just, just loved Japanese so much that I guess it was hard for me to comprehend the fact that someone might "love" it more but how can you really measure love?
And then he said, "But I know you love it as well, which is why you're good at it."
And so I asked, "How do I get better?"
And then we talked about sakubun (writing pieces) and I've been going to him for advice a lot and he told me that I was always welcome to do extra homework and so that's what I've been doing and it doesn't feel like homework to me, it's just fun and I really, really like doing it. I mean, it's for me. I want to be better, and I think it's fair for me to say that my Japanese teachers are key factors in making me want to be more. Y'know, just, more. I'm so speechlessly grateful for the time they take out of their day to encourage and do things for their students, it just astounds me and this is where my 1AM Reflection comes in (I wrote it on my ipod). It's all I can say and I'll copy it down here, but Mr G. especially has been nothing less than a role model and more than pretty much the best teacher I've ever had hands down. Who else would deal with a girl who asks too many questions???
Here:
1AM Reflection
I don't want to say something like "Japanese is the only subject I have/the only thing I'm good at." (I'm hesitant to use the term 'good' because honestly I still don't know everything about the English language; how can I dare to think I even know a lot about Japanese? The best thing to do is probably just understand what I know and what I don't know.)
Basically, on one hand, this is because I think what you're 'good' at is really just determined by your attitude towards it and how you approach it - I don't think, that by ourselves, we can measure what our best is. I believe there is so much potential in all of us, so much that in fact it becomes immeasurable. On the other hand, I feel like a lot of other people view Japanese or a subject in general as something only they 'have'. In the end, isn't it a matter of if your efforts gratify you or not? It makes you feel worthy because of the effort you put in and that's why you stick to it so much - which reinforces my point that 'goodness' is simply determined by your determination to do well.
I try hard because, well, yeah, I get happy if I'm considered 'good' at it. If I'm validated in my efforts. I like putting in the effort to achieve that gratification, but I'm also really in love with the language. This is said as a fact because I honestly believe I would not put so much of myself into it otherwise. Imagining all the people I'll be able to talk to; the culture which will open up to me, which I'll be able to explore...
I'm so grateful to those teachers who have helped me and taught me and I think I might be a little in love with them too, because they're both people I want to be when I'm an adult. They make me want to become a better person.
Also, storytellers are the best kind of people. I feel like they are the people who have just gotten so much out of life - and surely they'll get more - that they can't help but let those words touch other people: y'know, to achieve that and have that kind of special glint in your eyes when you tell your stories, that's something really wonderful. And the ability to inspire people - that's just crazy.
The highest praise and comment I can give is that I just want to be like them when I'm older.
----
and then it ended there because I was sleepy.
there was this one point also, when jap first started, there was this joke that my friend kept on making about us two being the "alpha"s and i was really uncomfortable because of that and i was just kinda hoping she'd stop making the joke until one day she said it and it was just really loud and my other friend looked at us in a kind of "ummm" way and said, "really guys?" and i kind of immediately was just like wait no!! no!!!!! it wasn't me who said it, i don't think i'm an 'alpha' like EVERYONE is trying really hard and it just like
well, i got angry at jam and i made it obvious that i didn't like the joke and felt like it was just really not good.. spirit?? you feel
anyway it was all good
i apologised after because i shouldn't have been so harsh and the angel just replied with, no it's okay, it's refreshing to see you angry.
i'm happy that we didn't have much of a big fight!
ANYWAY, i might continue this another day but I wanted to speak about another topic today ;;
yes it is time for my teenage shoujo life to come into play again /cough cough hahahhaa...a.a.. shoujo.....
but anyway,
ah,
the heart of a teenage girl.
so if i haven't established that i'm completely over canoe guy, then well, here it is. this is the sentence. take in in.
yep.
well, i am.
and do you remember jude?
not lady bug guy, or fish or ace or anyone else i may've nicknamed....
but yeah, that guy i called pretty in the spur of the moment when i was in that stage of "if u think anything nice you absolutely HAVE to say it HANDS DOWN, HANDS DOWN. HANDS. DOWN U GOT THAT PUNK??? NEED TO SAY IT NWEEDEENEDABAOSLUTELYNEEDEOTHERWISEHTEYWON'TFEELURFEELING--"
well
in that youngin' stage of mine (though i still hold to that belief very well and perhaps should apply it more often) - well, yeah. i guess i've always been kinda conscious of him because he was v. aesthetically pleasing and in that manner i'm shallow, but i'd always just kinda appreciated from afar because of the strong belief that 'wow i am a shy girl/he is popular=i am awkward, things like this will never end well' and y'know i'm still like that and it's just kind of hard to believe that relationships will be possible because i always work myself up too much, y'know, that whole thing with impulses /nods.
wow, just had a thought: isn't this SUCH a weird thing to be talking about after that whole seriousness of the above section? hehe ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
well, i'll just scale things up to today (there's really only one thing that happened on that life-changing japanese trip that i can't believe i haven't written about yet.... but there's just... so much...... hey maybe my not writing it can be seen as how i'm just that speechless about what an experience it was........) -
there was this one time in japan where i was wearing my senpai (jam)'s hatsune miku hat and jude was on the trip as well and was like omg jesse is that hatsune miku and i looked at him and grinned and was like yeah it is! and was secretly pleasantly surprised he even knew what hatsune miku was???
anyway it was a nice, fleeting interaction and it's always those ones that make my day and always stick with me
today, for eng ext, i had to present with two friends let's call one buddy (because i used to talk to him about games and stuff when i was young...........) and the other jasmine because she's like princess jasmine from aladdin, she's really pretty!!
well our presentation was about psychoanalytical criticism
and at first i had a plan to make people laugh with this lil skit about freudan slips and it worked except i entered that rambling stage and was like "so yeah if i were a guy-- wait no, okay if i were a girl-- wait no i am a girl nevermind" and people laughed and i'm glad they laughed at my stumblings, but anyway, it came to my points about freud and how he was sexist and coined dubious things like "penis envy/oedipus complex/castration anxiety" and i kinda was like hmmm i don't feel comfortable saying the p word i mean like y'know so i just said peepee and passed it off as that and everyone began laughing and sir bro (teacher's name is that btw so i'll call him that) was like i don't know why you're fine with saying oedipus complex and castration anxiety but not peepee envy" and then i was like nah well if u wanna say it its fine and then he was like yeah okay tru and began talking to the class about how they should be mature about terms like the p word and how that shouldn't have laughed at my 'peepee' term and THEN he began naming like a bunch of genital uh parts and the class was just like omfg and i was just like omg sir and just turned away and was like i can't believe this like really uncomfortably and it was just really funny
anyway, after i did my explanation, i also had to mention that a feminist called Karen Horney challenged Freud's view and it was all going so well until buddy laughed and then everyone else laughed and me and sir bro were just like i can't believe this but also it was very amusing
anyway
squizz (i think i mentioned her before, she's a fellow src member and friend :D) commented how the "peepee" thing was the highlight of her day which was rly cute and i was like ;; i'm glad it made u laugh
squizz is the type of person who's like the sun, y'know? i think i've talked about people being like suns before but she's the type of person who inspires you to be little bit more; the type of person you're glad exists because they're the types who bother to do little things that make you happy? such as compliments on random days and wide smiles and iunno she spreads laughter like wildfire
anyway, when i was in sac, she was like jesse i have something to tell u
and i was like ???? go ahead
and she was like it's not big or anything
and i was like haha go ahead man
and she said something along the lines of: (i may be paraphrasing???) okay well when i was laughing and stuff like everyone was laughing but i was looking at jude and he was laughing at everything you said and i just thought how cute you two would be together
and i kinda was like o...oh
because y'know?? maybe i thought about....... oh man this is so embarassing, but it's like u know, you ever think about something along the lines like "if we got together" and hhhh wow
look at me and my deep dark romantic side coming to the surface
actually no one's ever really said that to me before so it surprised me as well, aha, and i guess it made me happy? y'know, i guess it was something like wow someone thinks i can be in a relationship with someone else??
ugh is this a weirdly self-depricating train of thought??
i don't mean to put myself down but i don't really view it as putting myself down because that's how i've been thinking
yeah
odd right
anyway
what's scary is that, well, hey TIME FOR MORE HARD TO FOLLOW COPY PASTE FACEBOOK CHATS:
- me: DUDE THAT SONG IS BEAUTIFUL!!! SING IT WITH ME WHEN I LEARN THE LYRICS ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
- cookie:lol sure thing bro
- cookie:
- me:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The scary thing with me is that it is soo easy to work me up -- i feel like i CONNECT with that song i linked in cookie's convo, seriously
"Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down"
ME!!! but also the last verse is cute
Oh you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid to give so much more than I get yeah
I just haven't met you yet
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid to give so much more than I get yeah
I just haven't met you yet
what a cute right
there's also the fact that motherhen is calling this adorable and for some reason that makes me happy and well i don't want that to make me happy coz it can kinda pave way towards those feelies again esp coz i feel like in the back of my mind i will be holding onto a hope, that's just how i am with all my romantic notions and in the end i really do love the idea of things like that happening and i feel like i'm getting a bit vague
ah yes let's change back to the normal font
but anyway
going step by step and not over-thinking is probably the way to go, right? :)
so hopefully i'll be updating more soon!!! this is a new year after all, hehe. got to keep a record of my life B)
well, goodbye!!! have a beautiful day and i hope you smile lots today and tomorrow and always! smiling is good for ur face also oatmeal is love
Wednesday, 19 November 2014
entry 29.5
so... this is just gonna be a tiny lil update bcoz dragon age inquisition is coming out tomorrow i can't even stress how excited i am god, my only worry is that my bro's graphic's card may not be able to handle inquisition graphics B( but also today was really awesome!!!
in pe, we had to do this netball assessment thing where basically it's not even netball, u just use a netball and there are two teams and your goal is to pass the ball to your teammates ten times without any outside interference -
okay, so, jude was in my team and also this really rad friend i made in src let's call her jasmine from aladdin because she looks like her and she's super cool
anyway
i was free and jude had the ball and well okay maybe i wasn't so free but this person was tryin' ta block me but i had kind of gotten out of their grasp, but anyway jude looked at me and then looked at jasmine and decided to pass it to jasmine but someone from the other team quickly hurried to intercept the ball so i grabbed it and the score hit 9 and then i passed it to jasmine and the score hit 10 and that was a point for our team
..........
IT WAS REALLY COOL BECAUSE JUDE WAS LIKE oiiii nice jesse!! and highfived me and i was like so happy i grinned and high fived him back and it was so cool /sob
yeah that's it
i WILL write about japan soon
sOON
goodbye friends!~!!!!!! THIS TIME TOMORROW, I'LL HAVE MY HANDS ON DRAGON AGE INQUISITION
WISH ME LUCK
HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!!
in pe, we had to do this netball assessment thing where basically it's not even netball, u just use a netball and there are two teams and your goal is to pass the ball to your teammates ten times without any outside interference -
okay, so, jude was in my team and also this really rad friend i made in src let's call her jasmine from aladdin because she looks like her and she's super cool
anyway
i was free and jude had the ball and well okay maybe i wasn't so free but this person was tryin' ta block me but i had kind of gotten out of their grasp, but anyway jude looked at me and then looked at jasmine and decided to pass it to jasmine but someone from the other team quickly hurried to intercept the ball so i grabbed it and the score hit 9 and then i passed it to jasmine and the score hit 10 and that was a point for our team
..........
IT WAS REALLY COOL BECAUSE JUDE WAS LIKE oiiii nice jesse!! and highfived me and i was like so happy i grinned and high fived him back and it was so cool /sob
yeah that's it
i WILL write about japan soon
sOON
goodbye friends!~!!!!!! THIS TIME TOMORROW, I'LL HAVE MY HANDS ON DRAGON AGE INQUISITION
WISH ME LUCK
HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!!
Thursday, 27 February 2014
entry 21
26/2
maths was my first class today--
BUT WAIT I FORGOT TO SAY SOMETHING about when i got back from bush school it's really little but basically noir was sitting across from me on the bus and on the bus ride home she was like hey jesse
and i was like oh, yeah?
and she replied you're like my role model now, you have such a good voice
and i kind of embarrassedly replied with a thank you
but i was really happy
and later as we were getting off the bus, i went up to her and was like hey noir! and she was like yeah? and basically i just told her that she was inspirational as well and she laughed and was like how so? and i was like well, you talk to a lot of people and you make it seem really easy and she laughed again and hugged me and told me i was cute
but i really meant it
noir talks to a lot of people with ease and it's so cool because she's a genuinely nice person and i kind of aspire to be like her
but anyway
maths was my first class today and i came in and sat down and was waiting for claire: maths buddy to show up and class had already started when the teacher was like HEY (what should i call the dude i guess i'll call him jude because jude is a cool name) jUDE SIT OVER HERE BECAUSE UR DISRUPTING THE CLASS
and she pointed to the empty seat beside me
and i was like o...h
and then he came up and sat next to me was kinda like 'sup as he sat down and i kind of nodded and smiled a bit
but when claire entered the classroom
i swear to god maybe it wasn't telepathic but i locked eyes with her and deep within me there was a horrified whisper of 'no' because she was left alone and i was also kind of left alone to fend for myself because i've never really talked to jude because he's well, also that type of far away person y'know?
so we stayed hella silent for a long time
when i got up to this question
and it was horrible but i could do it but at the same time i was stuck on one part of it
and i knew that jude had nearly finished the worksheet because he asked the teacher for help on question ten when i was still on question six (sob)
so after a LONG while of hesitating on whether or not to ask him but i knew i should because talking is a good thing and talking to new people is a beautiful thing
i was like
hey... jude
and he turned to me
and i was like, do you know how to do this question?
and he was like oh
and helped me out with it
and i kind of got it but kind of didn't but it gave me hints on how to do it
and i was like thank you
but really softly and that was accidentally and he kind of just nodded and went back to his work
but then i found out the formula and was like oh!! thank you! again and he made this noise of acknowledgement
uh
it was a very short interaction but i felt proud of myself for having the guts but then one thing that i've noticed since the first time i saw him was that he is also a pretty dude
and so after class ended
he was walking out
and by the time i got up i'd already made up my mind because there was this one thing and hey, i'll post a picture here:
yeah.
/laughs nervously.
that's what was motivating me and so i went up to him and was like yo jude
and he was like ?? yeah..?
and i was like you're very pretty
and then slowly
he smiled
and god smiles are so beautiful
and in an amused tone, he said thank you.
so yeah.
i just thought people think about other people so much and passing thoughts would be 'wow how pretty' but they're never told for some reason even though they'd make the other person feel fab so i guess i was like hey why don't i just say this because smiles are wonderful
so yeah i did.
science today was also really fun.
reBECCA IS THE SASS MASTER I SWEAR TO GOD BUT SHE's SO FABULOUS OMFG
like okay
this was just one thing but she was getting the equipment for an experiment and the teacher was like bending over and talking to this student and she was trying to get past him
and i noticed that and she was just standing there really awkwardly and then i started laughing
and she made eye contact with me and then scrunched her face up and shook her head
buT IT WAS SO FUNNY LIKE THE TEACHER'S BUTT WAS IN HER WAY AND SHE HAD THIS EXPRESSION OF 'fml' AND
yeah
it was hilarious and then she came up to me and was like no jesse stop laughing
but i laughed even harder
and yeah
science was fun
and a tad
odd i guess
i think people stole canoe guy and his friend's seat so they sat behind me and my friends and canoe guy was right behind me and i felt like i wanted to talk to him so much but i... yeah. and i heard him banter and y'know
just hearing him with a smile in his voice is nice
urgh i'm so weird
but also i was talking about wings with claire today
long story short i saw this tumblr post about what people'd be like with wings in everyday life
and i started to draw wings
wings for canoe guy, ariana, cinekha, will, heck, even soul
and these wings
mean a lot because they personify the person and i give them wings which i think suit them and describe them
claire-bear asked me to describe her senpai's wings which was damn adorable and so i did and apparently i made her almost cry bUT TEARS OF TOUCHED-NESS AND IT WAS GR8
she said it was a beautiful talent i had and how it was amazing i could think it up on spot
and that was a really
like... impacting compliment haha
i guess it's because i'm a writer that it was so impacting but it was also because i'm a writer that i could think up something like a person's wings on spot but i guess it's also because i think about things a hella lot and more than i should probably and that's why it's easy for me to try and see a person's view and use that perspective to further explain things
it's really weird because somehow these wings have become precious to me in such a short time and i feel like i want to tell people what they're wings would be--
because if everyone really did have wings it'd be hard not to fall in love with each and every individual because of the simple but unique beauty every pair holds
but y'know everyone holds a uniqueness to themselves even without wings, so i guess that's okay
but with wings it'd be more apparent
more prominent
easier to recognise that our bodies are something to be loved and not shamed
and it's very sad and odd because it's ourselves who do the shaming
but
anyway
one thing that's been plaguing my mind is that i want to tell canoe guy about his wings, hah
i'll give you guys a very bad quality picture:
they'd angle in towards the small of his back but the tips wouldn't meet unlike cinekha's (you can spot hers in the top right) and his wings would be medium-sized and y'know i don't think they'd be that extravagant compared to ariana's or will's which are next to canoe guy's in the left but the left wing hasn't been drawn for will but
the tips of his wings - the bone that folds; the two apexes - they'd look pointy because of his feathers (his wings would be a mixture of feathers and fluff and they'd look fairly neat but they're actually pretty messy but not very noticeably so) but they really aren't
if you touched them they'd be rounded and strong and if you ran your hand down the joint it'd be smooth and maybe a tiny bit angular, but surprisingly supportive if that makes sense
lol i'm
ugh
i'm
ugh
anyway
his wings would be a colour several shades darker than tumeric but that'd only be in some random patches and his wing base colour would mostly be a light caramel
yeah
OH AND I WENT TO BASKETBALL TODAY
AND although we didn't win, we did really well i reckon!! my friend's mum (zara's mum) was laughing and joking and made a remark about how i was getting in there and stealing the ball off the tall people and that was funny and actually really nice hehe, since my parents don't come to watch because they're busy it's a really nice feeling to be... recognized... i guess? but it was so nice of her!! my hair was really sweaty afterwards and i felt proud because it was like my hard work and effort transformed into a palpable form which was the sweat kekeke and i told my brother this fact and he was like ew don't sweat on my carseat and i sighed and shook my head and sweat probably flew at him then but he just didn't understand
brothers, what can you do.
anywaaay
i better mark the date (yesterday i was continuing writing this post at night when i was told to go to bed so--) 27/2
mkay... so today (thursday)!
after school i had this convo with this dude called josh in the year below me and josh is pretty damn awesome - we've been kind of friendly acquaintances and i say hi to him whenever i see him and he also went to my primary school
i found it so easy to talk to him and he offered me a piece of gum and that was hella rad
then i had to leave
but we talked about fishing and swimming and i made him laugh a couple of times and i've mentioned this so many times bUT MAKING A PERSON LAUGH OR SMILE IS SO COOL
also
canoe guy passed by where i sat today and i don't know who waved first but we both smiled and waved at each other and.. /hides that was nice
um
on another note i've been saying hello to different people and i'm happy for that haha
ye
this is entry 21 and i have a lot of homework to do /sob
i hope you guys are having a beautiful time wherever any of you are and reminder to sit up straight and drink water because it's v. good for you!!
/dances away
maths was my first class today--
BUT WAIT I FORGOT TO SAY SOMETHING about when i got back from bush school it's really little but basically noir was sitting across from me on the bus and on the bus ride home she was like hey jesse
and i was like oh, yeah?
and she replied you're like my role model now, you have such a good voice
and i kind of embarrassedly replied with a thank you
but i was really happy
and later as we were getting off the bus, i went up to her and was like hey noir! and she was like yeah? and basically i just told her that she was inspirational as well and she laughed and was like how so? and i was like well, you talk to a lot of people and you make it seem really easy and she laughed again and hugged me and told me i was cute
but i really meant it
noir talks to a lot of people with ease and it's so cool because she's a genuinely nice person and i kind of aspire to be like her
but anyway
maths was my first class today and i came in and sat down and was waiting for claire: maths buddy to show up and class had already started when the teacher was like HEY (what should i call the dude i guess i'll call him jude because jude is a cool name) jUDE SIT OVER HERE BECAUSE UR DISRUPTING THE CLASS
and she pointed to the empty seat beside me
and i was like o...h
and then he came up and sat next to me was kinda like 'sup as he sat down and i kind of nodded and smiled a bit
but when claire entered the classroom
i swear to god maybe it wasn't telepathic but i locked eyes with her and deep within me there was a horrified whisper of 'no' because she was left alone and i was also kind of left alone to fend for myself because i've never really talked to jude because he's well, also that type of far away person y'know?
so we stayed hella silent for a long time
when i got up to this question
and it was horrible but i could do it but at the same time i was stuck on one part of it
and i knew that jude had nearly finished the worksheet because he asked the teacher for help on question ten when i was still on question six (sob)
so after a LONG while of hesitating on whether or not to ask him but i knew i should because talking is a good thing and talking to new people is a beautiful thing
i was like
hey... jude
and he turned to me
and i was like, do you know how to do this question?
and he was like oh
and helped me out with it
and i kind of got it but kind of didn't but it gave me hints on how to do it
and i was like thank you
but really softly and that was accidentally and he kind of just nodded and went back to his work
but then i found out the formula and was like oh!! thank you! again and he made this noise of acknowledgement
uh
it was a very short interaction but i felt proud of myself for having the guts but then one thing that i've noticed since the first time i saw him was that he is also a pretty dude
and so after class ended
he was walking out
and by the time i got up i'd already made up my mind because there was this one thing and hey, i'll post a picture here:
/laughs nervously.
that's what was motivating me and so i went up to him and was like yo jude
and he was like ?? yeah..?
and i was like you're very pretty
and then slowly
he smiled
and god smiles are so beautiful
and in an amused tone, he said thank you.
so yeah.
i just thought people think about other people so much and passing thoughts would be 'wow how pretty' but they're never told for some reason even though they'd make the other person feel fab so i guess i was like hey why don't i just say this because smiles are wonderful
so yeah i did.
science today was also really fun.
reBECCA IS THE SASS MASTER I SWEAR TO GOD BUT SHE's SO FABULOUS OMFG
like okay
this was just one thing but she was getting the equipment for an experiment and the teacher was like bending over and talking to this student and she was trying to get past him
and i noticed that and she was just standing there really awkwardly and then i started laughing
and she made eye contact with me and then scrunched her face up and shook her head
buT IT WAS SO FUNNY LIKE THE TEACHER'S BUTT WAS IN HER WAY AND SHE HAD THIS EXPRESSION OF 'fml' AND
yeah
it was hilarious and then she came up to me and was like no jesse stop laughing
but i laughed even harder
and yeah
science was fun
and a tad
odd i guess
i think people stole canoe guy and his friend's seat so they sat behind me and my friends and canoe guy was right behind me and i felt like i wanted to talk to him so much but i... yeah. and i heard him banter and y'know
just hearing him with a smile in his voice is nice
urgh i'm so weird
but also i was talking about wings with claire today
long story short i saw this tumblr post about what people'd be like with wings in everyday life
and i started to draw wings
wings for canoe guy, ariana, cinekha, will, heck, even soul
and these wings
mean a lot because they personify the person and i give them wings which i think suit them and describe them
claire-bear asked me to describe her senpai's wings which was damn adorable and so i did and apparently i made her almost cry bUT TEARS OF TOUCHED-NESS AND IT WAS GR8
she said it was a beautiful talent i had and how it was amazing i could think it up on spot
and that was a really
like... impacting compliment haha
i guess it's because i'm a writer that it was so impacting but it was also because i'm a writer that i could think up something like a person's wings on spot but i guess it's also because i think about things a hella lot and more than i should probably and that's why it's easy for me to try and see a person's view and use that perspective to further explain things
it's really weird because somehow these wings have become precious to me in such a short time and i feel like i want to tell people what they're wings would be--
because if everyone really did have wings it'd be hard not to fall in love with each and every individual because of the simple but unique beauty every pair holds
but y'know everyone holds a uniqueness to themselves even without wings, so i guess that's okay
but with wings it'd be more apparent
more prominent
easier to recognise that our bodies are something to be loved and not shamed
and it's very sad and odd because it's ourselves who do the shaming
but
anyway
one thing that's been plaguing my mind is that i want to tell canoe guy about his wings, hah
i'll give you guys a very bad quality picture:
edit: digital version
the tips of his wings - the bone that folds; the two apexes - they'd look pointy because of his feathers (his wings would be a mixture of feathers and fluff and they'd look fairly neat but they're actually pretty messy but not very noticeably so) but they really aren't
if you touched them they'd be rounded and strong and if you ran your hand down the joint it'd be smooth and maybe a tiny bit angular, but surprisingly supportive if that makes sense
lol i'm
ugh
i'm
ugh
anyway
his wings would be a colour several shades darker than tumeric but that'd only be in some random patches and his wing base colour would mostly be a light caramel
yeah
OH AND I WENT TO BASKETBALL TODAY
AND although we didn't win, we did really well i reckon!! my friend's mum (zara's mum) was laughing and joking and made a remark about how i was getting in there and stealing the ball off the tall people and that was funny and actually really nice hehe, since my parents don't come to watch because they're busy it's a really nice feeling to be... recognized... i guess? but it was so nice of her!! my hair was really sweaty afterwards and i felt proud because it was like my hard work and effort transformed into a palpable form which was the sweat kekeke and i told my brother this fact and he was like ew don't sweat on my carseat and i sighed and shook my head and sweat probably flew at him then but he just didn't understand
brothers, what can you do.
anywaaay
i better mark the date (yesterday i was continuing writing this post at night when i was told to go to bed so--) 27/2
mkay... so today (thursday)!
after school i had this convo with this dude called josh in the year below me and josh is pretty damn awesome - we've been kind of friendly acquaintances and i say hi to him whenever i see him and he also went to my primary school
i found it so easy to talk to him and he offered me a piece of gum and that was hella rad
then i had to leave
but we talked about fishing and swimming and i made him laugh a couple of times and i've mentioned this so many times bUT MAKING A PERSON LAUGH OR SMILE IS SO COOL
also
canoe guy passed by where i sat today and i don't know who waved first but we both smiled and waved at each other and.. /hides that was nice
um
on another note i've been saying hello to different people and i'm happy for that haha
ye
this is entry 21 and i have a lot of homework to do /sob
i hope you guys are having a beautiful time wherever any of you are and reminder to sit up straight and drink water because it's v. good for you!!
/dances away
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