entry 18

me and claire were talking and then this happened:

me: “that’s just me,

lying on the floor and looking up at the ceiling wondering if i’ll ever see stars

but maybe, y’know i’m lying on the floor and gazing at the ceiling but also the ceiling’s actually made up of glass

so i can see the stars

but i can’t reach them because there’s always a wall”

claire: “or maybe you go outside your little room and discover a beautiful world that you were always dreaming of but never had the courage to go to”

me: “…and maybe there’s just a hallway that’s really long

and you don’t really know what to expect at the end of it, so sometimes you feel like you want to stop and go back to you little room so you can lay down

but maybe, y’know, because of that there’s detours. mini rooms which lead you sometimes forwards or backwards but it’s because you don’t know that you just have to keep moving forward.”

it's cool how a previously hopeless thing can turn into something inspiring, y'know?

so today, there was a year meeting in the MPU - i don't even know what that stands for but yeah we were in a meeting and maybe a few minutes through it i realised canoe guy was sitting right diagonally across from me so i could see his back and his neck and ugH and his arms are really nice--

iunno he was kind of leaning back on his hands and there was this vein running down his arm and

i should just not

yeah, well anyway...

UGH i'm so weird

ugh

well

i was just wondering about if he was doing a language or not, and partly, i wanted to talk to him kind of

and i was thinking how easy it'd be because i've done it before even though it felt like i hadn't

so after putting my bag on my back and just walking for a while

he was like

right in front of me

so i was like huh i could ask him

so i was like hey, /insert name

and he smiled and looked at me, and i was like are you doing a language? and iunno really casually he was like no and i was like okay coolies (but i didn't say that out loud iunno what my reaction was i can't remember--) but then he left and all was well??? i felt that light feeling again and i'm proud of myself for working the guts to ask him but it's such a silly thing to be proud of especially because it was really like... it... yeah. iunno mang asdfgh.

but ugh i'm having a kind of dilemma. basically on valentines day there's going to be a language study skills excursion for all the language and going isn't mandatory. the thing is, the whole reason for sending the flower was basically just to see his reaction - not really the aftermath because, reality check, he's probs just gonna guess it was me and that'll be it and it's just wishful thinking that he'll actually approach me. it's just to see his reaction because i want him to smile and god i'm so silly because i'm actually considering staying back.

i was asking my cousin what to do and she kind of laughed at me and stared me into the eyes and was like wow, you really like him. and i kind of pulled the info sheets for the excursion up to my face to cover it and was like 'no... i don't.,. like him...' but then i, here it comes, i started crying because jesus christ i might actually really like him or??? i don't know my feelings are very scary hah. but she was like, yes you do if you're considering staying back just to see his reaction.

i.. i don't know. it's just... god, i don't know.

11:09pm - 10/02/14.

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so today...

after science which was my last period - he's in my class, i was walking with claire and we were kind of talking but i was distracted (i'M SORRY) because canoe guy was walking the way i was walking and i was just thinking that y'know, i could maybe catch up to him and talk to him--

but like, talk about what?

ugh. i want to talk to him regardless and i swear i just wish i could tell him how much i want to talk to him and how just for the sake of seeing him maybe smile at the flower on valentines day - i'm contemplating staying back just for him. god i'm screwed aren't i?

i reckon, maybe first if i'd ever have time to stand around with him there i'd ask him what subjects he chose maybe. because i remember my bball senpai kate asking me that when we were standing around waiting for our friends near the canteen once and that was like really smooth like it was after i answered it that i realised she was like... making conversation with me until after like dayum girl smooth that's a good technique ahaha, but yeah! if there were ever a chance.. i'd want to ask him that.

but today after science me and claire we walking, blah blah blah, and then she was like so are you going this way or your way? and i was like ah.. i'll go... my way and claire smiled at me i swear she was like 'i see what ur up to' or iunno maybe that's her normal face?? but she smiled and was like okay and we said our farewells and then i proceeded to walk in my usual direction which "coincidentally" was his direction and sdfghasdf, well, he stopped and that's when i realised he was waiting for his friend who was a girl and i was like hmm i see should i still say hello or??? or should i just not bother them?? and ugh that made me hesitate a lot

so i continued walking and they were ahead in the canteen area and i was like just reaching the stairs to go down to it and maybe it was just me but y'know i always seem to be looking at him/in his direction /cOUGHS but he looked back? and i kind of just avoided his eyes again but when i was walking still he just kept looking back and that made me so paranoid and god i don't even know but i was just like 'duDE why r u looking back!! at me or at the tree but why at me and why????' so maybe i'm just overreacting but i swear to god he just kept looking back and ugh.

i just

i wish i could fangirl to him about himself and then just z snap away from him and just never think about him again but I CAN'T WHICH SUCKS because i know i'd miss him and that's SO UGH OF ME BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM AND MISSING HIM IS STUPID AND UGH

because

i like seeing him around school

i like walking past where he usually hangs out so i can think to myself y'know maybe he notices

i like thinking about what it'd be like to get to know him

y'know

maybe he notices

...

/sigh. i'm such a fucking writer, haha. well, at least to me. like readers might be like lolol are u complimenting urself but seriously. i just.. i've said this so many times but my imagination is way too great for my own good.

but yeah. the two stopped around the corner and when i rounded it, his friend - let's call her noir - noir was with her other friend and he was straying off to the side a bit and then we kind of made eye contact and he shouldered his bag and made a move to walk and then i passed him and his voice was like behind me and i could hear him teasing noir about something but he was walking and i was walking and i think noir and her friend was walking as well and i exited the gate and kind of stopped after i turned left and then i turned back and he was walking down the steps and i said, really quickly and very briefly, 'see you!' and i added his name but i don't think he heard me because noir was talking to him and i was like OOPS and turned around and kind of did this thing with my hands that i recently found out i do - it's like a nervous habit - but with both hands in front of me, i kind of link them and stretch them and that's what i did as i was walking away and going 'jeSSE U IDIOT' but also 'ugh did u have to do that' and ugh.

/sOB

silly me huh

well..

ye.

so, during the way to and from melissa's school (did i mention melissa, she's my fab cousin/pretty much a sister but i'll never say that to her /lAUGHS FOREVER) i was talking to my mum about the excursion on friday aha and she pretty much knows everything and she was like

'well.. stay at school! fIGHT!!!'

and i was like

'omg mum'

and she was like

'well melissa don't u agree'

and melissa was like

'yeah lol, stay at school'

and i was like asdfghj

and i'm thinking about it. i was talking to my penpal the other day and she was like 'well, not going to the excursion.. you probably won't miss much because it's not mandatory anyways. i think it'd be okay if you allowed yourself his reaction'

and that was a good point.

and then my bestie katie was like 'i suggest you don't go to the study group because you did all this work, what's the point in running away now? just do whatever you're happy with'

and.. /sigh. there two are like the best people ever and this is their advice for me asdfgh.

okay, sure i'll stay-- but UGH if i stay i'm just gonna be at school and like everyone will be at the thing?? pretty much everyone will be going to the language thing-- i don't know /flops. i'll talk to ruby about it.

also i took a personality test today haha, i'm an INFJ - introverted, intuitive, feeling and judging.

here yo:

"The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions, especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons.

INFJ personalities are drawn towards helping those in need – they may rush to the place of a major disaster, participate in rescue efforts, do charity work etc. INFJs see this as their duty and their purpose in life – people with this personality type firmly believe that nothing else would help the world as much as getting rid of all the tyrants. Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs.

These tendencies are also strengthened by the fact that INFJ personalities have a unique combination of idealism and decisiveness – this means that their creativity and imagination can be directed towards a specific goal. Few other personality types have this trait and this is one of the most important reasons why many INFJs are able to eventually realize their dreams and make a lasting positive impact.

INFJs are masters of written communication, with a distinctively smooth and warm language. In addition, the sensitivity of INFJs allows them to connect to others quite easily. Their easy and pleasant communication can often mislead bystanders, who might think that the INFJ is actually an extrovert.

INFJs should be careful to avoid “overheating” as their zeal and determination can sometimes get out of hand. As introverts, INFJs need to have some “alone time” every once in a while or otherwise their internal energy reserves will get depleted really quickly. If this happens, the INFJ may surprise everybody around them by withdrawing from all their activities for a while – and since other people usually see INFJs as extroverts, this can leave them both surprised and concerned.

INFJs take great care of other people’s feelings and expect others to return the favor. Unsurprisingly, people with this personality type are very sensitive and vulnerable to conflicts – even the most rational INFJs may find it quite difficult to not take criticism personally. This is the INFJ’s Achilles’ heel – if someone with an INFJ personality cannot escape the conflict, they will do their best to deal with it head on, but this will result in a lot of stress and may also potentially lead to health problems or highly irrational behavior."

bUT ALSO the list of positive and negative features of an INFJ:

"INFJ strengths

Determined and passionate. INFJ personalities work very hard for causes they believe in. This passion can easily surprise people not used to seeing this side of the INFJ, but it is an inseparable part of their personality.
Altruistic. It is very rare to see an INFJ do something just for their personal benefit. People with this personality type tend to be very warm and altruistic, even though these traits may not be clearly visible.
Decisive. This is one of the most important strengths of any INFJ. Their imagination, combined with decisiveness, usually allows INFJs to achieve incredible things – not only they can come up with interesting and unusual ideas, they also have the willpower and planning skills necessary to implement those ideas.
Creative. INFJs possess a vivid imagination and rarely have any difficulties expressing it in one way or another. Most of their solutions revolve around people or ideals, as opposed to technical strategies – this strength makes INFJ personalities excellent counselors and advisors.
Inspiring and convincing. People with the INFJ personality type know their way with words and are known for their fluid, inspirational writing style. INFJs can also be convincing speakers, especially if they are talking about something they are very proud of or passionate about.
Very insightful. INFJs find it easy to decipher other people’s motives and are rarely affected by manipulation or sales tactics. They tend to know instantly whether someone is being honest. This strength shields their sensitive inner core, protecting the INFJ from disappointment.

INFJ weaknesses

Extremely private. INFJs may appear expressive and passionate, but they are actually very private individuals. People with this personality type often find it quite difficult to trust a new friend or open up, even to people who are closest to them.
Can burn out easily. That strength and passion that INFJ personalities are known for can exhaust them quickly if they are not careful. INFJs also tend to internalize most of their feelings – this trait is not necessarily a weakness, but it deprives them of the “exhaust valve”.
Very sensitive. INFJs are highly vulnerable to criticism and conflict situations, and can get hurt very easily. People with this personality type are also likely to react strongly to anything that challenges their inner principles and values.
Perfectionistic. INFJ personalities are inherently idealistic and do their best to achieve their ideals. This is a great trait, but it can quickly become a weakness if the same approach is applied in every area of life. For instance, INFJs may find it difficult to settle down in a romantic relationship, always looking for an ideal partner.
Always need to have a cause. INFJs may find it difficult to focus and force themselves to complete tasks which are not linked to one of their goals, e.g. some routine administrative work that must be carried out. People with this personality type always want to know that they are moving towards a worthy goal, and may feel disappointed and restless if this is not the case."

/whispers i like reading about what could be my good features BUT THAT LAST SENTENC EABOUT THE NEED TO HAVE A CAUSE

YES

YES TO THAT SO MUCH

YES /BREATHES HEAVILY

anyway it's here if anyone wants to take it: http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

but yeah. hehe.

5:54pm - 11/02/14.

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it makes me so happy when i can help people, hehe.

"Anonymous: hey!! recently i noticed that maybe you're feeling a bit sad/upset/depressed? anything like that but i really hope you feel amazing some time soon! i'm sure your happy smile is beautiful, go dazzle people with it friend!! <3

YOU’RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY ;^;

THANK U SO MUCH FOR SENDING THIS! yeah i haven’t been feeling the best lately and it doesn’t help that i’m sick but i’m going to do my best to get through each day!

hehehe *dazzle dazzle* i’ll smile just for you anon. thank you. you are literally so wonderful and I hope you receive the most precious things in life ugh here have some cuddles from me <3"

people are really lovely. i just wish a lot of them could see that themselves.

(edit: hello tsunacchi-chi, yes that anon was me asdfg but i really hope you do feel better!!)

10:03pm - 11/02/14

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so today!! at school, in the morning when i was waiting for our geography teacher to show up okay-

canoe guy was like walking past me and iunno if i smiled first or if he smiled first but he smiled at me and i also smiled and??

yeah

that little exchange made me happy but i

have kind of mixed feelings about it but i think i'm overthinking it because what did that mean did he smile out of politeness like that was definitely it right like oh man what if i smiled at him and he felt obliged to smile back but maybe he secretly felt awkward about it??

i??

/breathes heavily. this is just because the flower thing is tomorrow i'm guessing but UGH. so yeah. i was talking to my wonderful src friend megan today (not the old, old megan from way back /CACKLES) but she informed me that the flower sending for the year tens would be moved to thursday which IS TOMORROW and well, yeah. i'm going to the thing on friday aha apparently it was compulsory all along /flops.

but yes.

i... i don't think anything will happen tomorrow except for him being happy and i'm unable to see his reaction which sucks because i don't have any classes with him but i plan to say hello to him?

yeah.

how anticlimactic right /sob.

also presentation night was tonight. sang but i forgot lyrics and i gold-fished (mouthed the lyrics) most of it and too bad i'm short because i was in the front row and asdfgh.

11:26pm - 12/02/14.

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okay so uh

hm, i dunno how to write this.

i'll... start from the start i guess then??

so uhm, i got a rose today!! from my sweetie friend kai but ye, the rose is beautiful hehe.

uh.

so most of the year tens got their flowers today.

uhm. most.

yeah. he didn't. /shot.

so me, being the silly, SILLY SILLY /ROARS FOREVER SILLY me, I just had that urge to talk to him and I was recently talking to a new buddy of mine, Anna and she sent this message to me and it went like 'if you don't take action nothing will change!' and i thought that was really cool because it's kind of true - don't take action = nil / waiting for someone else to take action.

but i'm very very silly, god, i don't even know where to start.

first of all i'm so ambitious, stupidly so.

FEEL THE AWKWARDNESS.

anyway, it was in the morning when i found out he hadn't gotten the flower yet and that the src screwed up big time with some flowers because kai later told me during recess that there was supposed to be a message on the rose but there wasn't and it got me thinking, like, what if he doesn't get the message?

sure, cool, i got him a flower.

it'd be great if i could see his reaction but the thing is i wouldn't be able to because of the excursion on friday//tomorrow.

so okay, i got him a flower - not so cool anymore.

because i'm very selfish and it's not enough just seeing him smile - i want him to smile because of me. y'feel me? ...seeing him smile is good too though.

but yes, i'm an odd person and my way of thinking is kind of twisted, i've been told by my cousin melissa aha.

so guess what i did? /laughs exasperatedly. during history i was thinking about this and then it was at lunch when there was a year meeting about bush school (which i'm pretty excited about because my BOOB CUP SWIMMERS THEY ARE FAB) and after that right, i was kind of loitering outside with my friends when i met canoe guy's eyes again and he smiled and i smiled and then he walked away with his friends and i almost went after him because i just... wanted to talk to him but i didn't know what to say.

and because i didn't know what to say, i did what i do best.

turn to writing.

i wrote him a fucking note.

yeah.

you'd think... after the whole card thing with ladybug guy, and mind you, i swear he's still avoiding me like the plague like WOOPS LOL, but yeah. you'd really think i'd learn by now that whenever i write things to guys theY ALWAYS END UP BADLY. /SOB

i hope one day i can write something to a guy and it won't? but then again i don't really know if what i wrote did end up badly or not but i can't really tell because it's v.  early aha but still.

so basically i wrote a note during lunch.

uhm.

the note went something along the lines of (ohhh my god i'm thinking about it and cringing because why do i do this to myself): 'um, happy valentines day!! ///blahblah/// so obviously you didn't get a flower today but you'll get one tomorrow saying something lame about your smile or whatever (i can't remember what i wrote exactly?????) let's have fun at bush school?? -from a person you should totes talk to sometime /cackles'

and OMFG

I AM AN EMBARRASSMENT TO POTATOES

I CAN'T EVEN FULFILL MY NEW LIFE GOAL TO BECOME ONE BECAUSE I AM AN EMBARRASSMENT TO EVERYTHING THAT MEANS ANYTHING TO ME

ye.

well now that that feeling is a bit less intense now although it pops up every time i think about it--

uhm,

so i went down to where he sat and found out he'd gone to waterpolo already and NO i didn't... look... at all the sport sign up sheets.. i just.. was curious about other people... but....

ugh i'm so creepy

but yeah

he wasn't there

and i was talking to ruby because i'm sorry but i dragged her along like i always do and i'm pretty sure i made her go along with my plan so that we'd walk down to the canteen but she had to be the lookout and I'm SO SORRY MY DARLING TOMODACHI ;; but you're amazing so thank you

but /coughs anyway, she told me that maybe i could 'intercept' him after sports

btw the sports i chose was swimming and I AM HORRIBLE AT IT THE CLOSEST I'VE EVER COME TO WINNING IS BEING SECOND PLACE IN A TWO PERSON RACE AND MY DAD STILL LAUGHS AT ME BECAUSE OF THAT

but yeah swimming was interesting and tasted horribly salty and i didn't wear my boob cup swimsuit because it was too fab (honestly i felt i'd rather get my old one dirty instead but yes)

and well after that we came to school 15 minutes before the bell so me and claire went to the canteen so i could simply wait for him god i'm dragging my friends into everything i'm sorry but we met jamilla there and we talked for a bit when i saw canoe guy in the distance with his friends (including that math buddy but definitely not buddy dude, i'm sure i mentioned him in my blog somewhere -- the dude who was like 'getting in with the asian chick awwwhhh yeee' y'know? i guess we can call him fish.

so basically i was just talking to jam and claire and stuff and when i saw him i suddenly got this huge urge to /do something/ and i began getting impatient and i was getting really distracted especially when canoe guy walked past and smiled at me and i smiled timidly back like smiles everywhere but uhm

i was thinking that okay, he's with his friends: if he goes to his bus now then maybe i shouldn't give him the note

but he didn't go to his bus

he went to the canteen and his friends lined up and he stood to the side and

god

have i mentioned how embarrassing i am i should really just resign from high school and become a potato farmer

but honestly, i broke off from my friend's conversations and i'm sorry my dear jamilla i'm so sorry because you were probs talking about something great and i

oh god

but i went up to him and had the note in my hand, i think (it's a blur to me)

and ohhhhhhhhhhmyyyyyyyfricking

i said hello and he said hello and i think he asked what was up

and well

adam

fUCKING FISH

he started to snicker
so i looked to the side, and beside him was canoe guy's other friends and they were all kind of smirking at me

and i was like jfc okay

so i gave the note to canoe guy

and he took it and i think he was like what's this?

aND THEN FUCKING FISH JESUS CHRIST

i'm sorry for swearing

BUT SERIOUSLY

DUDE

his snickering got louder and i was like.. 'they're creepy!'

and canoe guy laughed and was like, yeah, they are

and then his friends laughed

and then i kind of... i don't remember if i said keep the note to yourself or not but?? i kind of nodded at him and ran back to my friends where they kind of struck another conversation and then i began talking along with them, talking out my nerves kind of thing, when my friends ariana and cinekha and taelah walked by and i was like oh hey!! and i kind of talked to them for a bit and taelah suddenly called me cute?? so i laughed and was like ahaha thank you but wow taelah calls me cute but she's adorable!! but anyway

i kind of looked to canoe guy's direction and i saw that he was looking at me and i don't know if he read the note or not but after the trio left i got really flustered and i kind of dragged claire with me away from the area because sdfgh and i was on the steps when i looked back and i saw that one of canoe guy's friends had taken the paper and was grinning and unravelling it and then i escaped

i...

so yeah.

they probably all read the note and canoe guy is probably really embarrassed and oh god i was freaking out so much and i kind of just had this huge period of freaking out to claire and i was so out of it that she couldn't really help me but the feeling was fresh so it wasn't her fault

but after school right i came to the car, got in, and we had to go to my aunty's place for an hour because we had to pick up my cousin at around 4 because of extended classes and year 11 and so i kind of just sat outside of her apartment and began texting katie and i was kind of just freaking out to her and at first she was like 'whyyy jesse whyyy did you write him a note' and I WAS LIKE KATIE U ARE DEFINITELY NOT HELPING and we began talking about other stuff and then she was like 'okay, you know what, i'm not shitting you, it'll be okay' - and her reasons for that was because canoe guy seemed like a genuinely nice dude and even if everything did go downhill, she told me i shouldn't be embarrassed and that i should be proud.

so yeah. her words really calmed me down and i got home later that day and talked to claire the mother hen again and she told me basically the exact same thing; that canoe guy seemed like a nice dude and probably wouldn't let his friends read it but even if he did well

god, i don't know.

i just???

and then later later that day, i was texting katie again and she told me this after i told her that she had nothing to worry about (she was saying how she worried about saying something stupid to her own senpai) and that she should think of my terrible failures and she should be fine:

'I don't think you fail xD I think you manage to make a boring situation interesting. You don't say material things or the like, you do the stuff everybody least expects and I think that's wonderful.'

and i swear she knows like exactly what to say to make me feel better and i told her that and she was like wow what a stroke to the ego and said something about herself being fabulous and yeah

i...

well i don't know how this will turn out. i really don't, aha.

i just hope that he'll still smile at me when he sees me and y'know.... i still just want to get to know him and become his friend, lol.

i don't know. hah. this really does remind me of the card incident.

yeah....

i just have to be the way i always am, i'm guessing.

well anyway, on another topic, i've been talking to a lot of people this month/year!!

i had a drama thing in acting class before, a presentation of sorts, and the presentation i did with my group was really fun and we actually did quite well - i was this suave french dude and one of my lines was 'hon hon, baguette' and after the presentation was finished the teacher was like so what did we like about this presentation? and one girl was like 'i liked jesse's line, hon hon baguette' and it made me feel a bit proud haha.

but also today this girl, let's call her lenalee, she was walking by the way i do and i was kind of still in that freak out stage and i was freaking out to my friend s'nay, and well lenalee came by and s'nay commented on her flowers and how she was v. popular so i kinda joined in and was like 'haha, wink wink' and we kind of talked for a bit and then she went on and then she stopped and called out to us if we were going to the language excursion and we said yes and she said she wasn't and stuff but yeah. note: she's the girl who sat next to canoe guy last year in maths and aha i'm.. yeah but she's a really nice person and i'd like to get to know her more!!

ye.

goodnight friends. tomorrow's the language excursion and i said i wouldn't update til after bush school but this really might be the last update until after bush school haha. there's also a hunger game theme game we're doing at bush school but i might tell you more about that when i know more about it, aha.

this is entry 18, have a beautiful day any readers of mine! remember to sit up straight.

entry 17

short entry but i was looking back on my older blog posts and...

wow.

i was very... i don't even know the word to describe it.

but lemme tell myself that there's no need to compare myself to 'popular girls' who have 'more fun than me' because don't worry my dear jesse everyone's equal.

i forgot to mention this but when i came back to school on the first day, my friends all exclaimed 'jesse!' and some flocked to me and started patting my hair: jamilla, guy, etc. and that simple thing made me feel appreciated and wanted and loved and that alone is a beautiful feeling that overcomes my silly wishes about myself trying to be 'out there' because i've already made wonderful friends and i shouldn't take that for granted.

but it's okay. it's okay to want to get to know new people, it's just not okay to put myself down for not being able to yet. that's the key word: yet.

it's okay jesse, it's okay.

as katie said, 'your determination will get you places' and here's to hoping it really will.

entry 17, sit up straight and have an amazing day any readers of mine.

entry 12

this is me explaining my predicament to a beautiful friend of mine:

---

YES WHAT JUST SAY IT WOMAN Jesse Tran 17:54 Jesse Tran (copied from the blog) so yesterday in maths, will somehow acquired a ladybug, and named it seaweed. seaweed was an odd ladybug because she basically just walked around his book for a while and then settled on the spine (a bunch of plastic rings) either cleaning herself, or pooping. we had to finish off some homework in this textbook we were sharing, and i kind of just whizzed through mostly because i had no idea how to answer some, so i was just left sitting there and staring at the questions i couldn't answer (what's cool is that during the actual class time where our teacher doesn't leave us to just finish homework, is that will helped me in some questions and that was really nice of him so ye). so seaweed began annoying will (it was pretty funny (to me), i was like 'looks like seaweed is... bUGGING you... and he was like haaaa /shakes head) and he passed it on to ariana (my friend sitting in front of me), but after a while she got sick of it as well so she passed it back and i took seaweed from him. at first seaweed was on my finger just chillin' and doing that mysterious action of either pooping or cleaning herself (OKAY I LOOKED UP LADYBUG POOP JUST THEN AND LUCKILY IT DIDN'T POOP ON ME OR I WOULD'VE NOTICED ASDFGH) and then i just watched her on my finger because she was seriously just staying still and i was beginning to wonder if she was like laying eggs on me so i kinda freaked out and put her on my pen. she stayed there for a while and i could kinda tired of just holding my pen up so carefully i laid her in the middle of the textbook me and will were sharing, and just watched her for a bit. that's when will finished doing his work and he was like 'okay so i'm just gonna close the text book for a while' and made the motion of closing the textbook and right then and there i made this really weird noise of 'KEEee' and stopped him from closing it and we just kinda looked at each other for a moment and he laughed and was like 'i wasn't actually gonna close it' and mimicked my sound and i was like jfc that was uncalled for and yeah it was really cool i felt like we were bonding /hides. so then after that we decided to release seaweed into the wild after class, and basically seaweed was just stationary on my pen so while we packed up our things i just held the pen and talked to my friend arianna. will packed up and got his bag and kind of left the classroom to talk to his other friends and stuff so i just kinda was like oh kay... so what should i do with seaweed- and arianna was like did will just leave you with his child and i was like yup but as i was walking out of the classroom will was kinda just waiting for me and was like 'jesse, let's go and release... her' and i was like :DDD okay friend (yes i was pretty happy he waited coz that's pretty damn cool) and we went out and released seaweed into these pretty bushes. that was kind of the end of that and will and arianna were walking the same way while i was going the opposite so we said our farewells until i kind of remembered that i left my laptop so i kinda turned back really hurriedly and then i saw will walking behind me and i think he was gonna say something but i was like i fORGOT MY LAPTOP NO and while i was running i heard him laughing (so i think we parted on fairly good terms and that's awesome). man this is so cool i feel like i'm making progress. recently with the other areas such as src guy and canoe guy and friend-making in the other classes i haven't been going places (especially with the speech because my teacher ended up saying it was highly engaging but she wasn't sure the topic was really clear and that it was more like a personal confession to the class (and i was like ha...ha... /sobs out of embarrassment UGH) but ye) so i feel better thinking back aha. Jesse Tran 17:54 Jesse Tran so basically htere's this seating plan in math and the teacher seated me next to this guy called adam first and he was basically like 'oOOOOH GETTING IN WITH THE ASIAN CHICK' and all that and i kind of went ugh no thank you dude r u fo shizzle mah nizzle and kinda yeah.. i didn't really... asdfg but then we had to move classes for a bit and i got seated next to this guy called will and that's a thing that happened with him Jesse Tran 17:57 Jesse Tran this was before the ladybug thing: oday at school we had a substitute teacher for maths, and of course the seating plan didn't need to be followed because well, we had a different teacher, but in maths will sat next to me and i kind of just reminded him that he could sit next to his friends but he was like nah i like you and then iunno for a moment i was like ... and then i was like ASDFGHJKLJHGFD FRIEND1!@!# but i didn't really show it but it meant a lot to me even though he was probably just saying that to make me feel better /kicks dirt. so yeah that kinda made my day. Jesse Tran 17:58 Jesse Tran this is before the above: at first it was okay because we were allowed to sit next to our friends again but then guess what. ... you probably guessed right. another seating plan was put into order and this time it was another guy called will, who i had once lent a calculator to (i pride myself on that fact yo). will's cool. he's like the class clown but he's nice, so this time i'm a tad happier where i am ehe. i find it cool because although i'm not amazing at maths i'm good enough, and will is okay at it so basically i can help him and these last two lessons i've been helping him so that's pretty awesome - it makes me feel as if I've done something good LOL. it's so awesome because i was kind of just copying questions down and we were sharing textbooks and he asked if i had done question f, which i hadn't. and basically he told me what you had to do and i was like well okay thanks i think and he was like no worries i felt like i needed to show off to you and i was like well... thank you again. and he seems really nice so i wouldn't mind getting to know him more! /puts on victory headband I FEEL AS IF I'M MAKING FRIEND AND IT's GLORIOUS GUYS. Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 17:59 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay wow WOW Jesse Tran 17:59 Jesse Tran maKING FRIEND /VICTORIOUS FIST PUMP Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 17:59 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay WOOOWW Woah Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran what -- Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay s Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran what's with that reaction what BUT ANYWAY CHRISTMAS IS COMING UP Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay (Creepy smile) Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran and i was contemplating who to give christmas cards to ? right then-- Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay No changing subject Jesse. Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran no it's adding onto that asdfgh but okay right Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay (Creepy smile stretches) Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran uhm DUDE LET ME TELL YOU THE THING ASDFGHJK I'M HAPPY ASDFGH Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay No Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran BUT BUT BUT Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay ME talk now Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran IT MADE ME SO HAPPY HOLD ON Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay KHVLKHJBCLKJBWLCKJBSLJHCB Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran I TELL YOU THING AND THEN Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay HE Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran YOU TALK!! DUDE ssafjh Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay YOU SO CUTE AHSKJLKSJCLKJSGCJHWSCLJHGWCJKHVCKJHCVWKWD OKAY GO HURRY BEFORE I SDIE DIE go go gooooo Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran okay oksao kksdfwfd okay so basically i was wondering who to give christmas cards to and made like a list and i was thinking whether or not to put will on the list because i think he was kinda my friend?? and he said hi to me a couple times and that made me smile because wow friend Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay Put him on obviously Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran but okay so i was really hesitant whether or not so on friday Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay He's toates your friend yeah Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran while he was walking past my class Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay yeah Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran i went up to him and kind of like died and was like uhm do you want a christmas card--- Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay Awwww Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran and he stopped and i didn't really see his face because i was like dying and i was like because i uh i kinda figured we were friends and then i stuttered and was like uh you know what nevermind Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay Heheheh Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran asdfghj so i walked away like really quickluy Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay awwww Hahaha Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran and then he was like wait! and followed me Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay AWWWWW Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran and was like grinning and was like yeah sure i want a christmas card and then i nodded Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay AKJDLKAJDGLKAJDA DIES INSIDE Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran and he like stood there for a moment and was like 'aw' and i was like ...?? and he was like we're friends Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay HAHAHAHA Jesse Tran 18:04 Jesse Tran and i was like ... ... :...D and he was like Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:04 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay xD Jesse Tran 18:04 Jesse Tran and i was like on the outside okay coolies friends coolies but on the inside i was like Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:04 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay A whole converstaion expressed in smilies Jesse Tran 18:04 Jesse Tran FRIEND THAT'S SO COOL LOL YES but yeah

---


currently, i am crying on the inside.

yesterday i gave ladybug guy the card and he smiled and said thanks and this was in maths so i could see whether he was gonna open it or not which he didn't. so i was like oh okay that's actually a relief because none of his friends could see the embarrassing things i wrote in there (which went along the lines of: 'y'know, it was fun sitting next to you in maths//i tend to be really quiet with people i don't know but i'm glad that you talked to me so thank you (for talking to me)//you make talking to people seem so easy and iunno maybe it's just me but that's an awesome quality since i'm such an awkward sausage//the whole thing with seaweed was fun to say the least//so thank you again! etc etc) but anyway i really wanted to know what his response to my card was gonna be because i put a hella lot of thought into it /sobs.

but i don't think he opened it until he got home or something?? iunno.
anyway, today me and my friends went down to practice for busking (exciting!! it's tomorrow; gonna go up to sydney and basically sing on the streets and gain money for the school-- hopefully we're not too terrible) and when we went to the music classroom ladybug guy was in there and he was packing up and kind of getting ready to go? and we made eye contact and he looked away and i was like oh uh hey will and he kind of looked back at me with this maybe awkward weird smile and was like hey...

and he left

i think i

screwed up big time

i did the bad thing

the bad

/SOBS LOUDLY

LIKE DUDE DID I JUST SCREW UP EVERYTHING

i seriously 

oh god

i

i'm so

i

i don't even have the words to express to

UGH

i guess i was expecting something more? what was i expecting, i'm not exactly sure. i guess maybe something like: thanks for the card, i hope next year will be fun? something lame like that i guess--
but nothing

nada

maybe i'm overthinking it?

but he just seemed really awkward and this is the non-awkward clown dude who makes everything seem so easy and i even admire him for that and???

jesus christ

also today i was pondering: what is the point of liking canoe guy??? why do i want to talk to him when i'm so terrible at it and when there's so many other girls and they're all popular and beautiful and nice and then there's me- and i'm just me and i'm pretty sure he's lost any interest he may've had in me because i've always been too hesitant to actually make real conversation

but

then he presented this thing for english

and this

this thing 

like his neck and his back and ugh

i think i have a thing for necks and backs now

i just

i'm so done.

this has been entry 12, have a nice everything and be strong and safe and be happy most of all.

bye. /sighs.

entry 10

so my friend confessed to her senpai today.

she's really brave. wonderfully brave. she got rejected, but... i think it's awesome how she went and did that. she's such a cutie. she says that she just wants to get to know him a hella lot more and that's really wonderful so in these short words i'm wishing her amazing luck because if anything, when you fall into the liking trap and come out crawling all battered and broken it's like nOPE COME AT ME MOFO BECAUSE I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT A REWARD kind of thing but i guess not all things happen like that. at the very least, i'm really cheering for her. wish her good luck, any invisible readers of mine.

also, i don't think i mentioned that on the monday after that friday when canoe guy did the thing (in reference to the last post), that i was waiting for my teacher to come to class and it was in the hallways and he passed by but when he did we met eyes and he nodded to me and smiled and dear lord that was a really, really nice feeling /deep sigh and i smiled and nodded back and that made my damn day and i am pretty scared of that. i'm scared of the little things that's been making me happy and the little things that make me so insecure and scared it's just--- it's just really... different and scary and i don't like it because, well, canoe guy and shy girl don't mix.

seriously right now i'm so done with this big ball of feels because jfc why is life when people can think about you so much and you wouldn't even know--?

so this stage is called 'puppy love' i'm pretty sure /nodnod. luckily it'll pass and i'll be free yo.

because right now i'm noticing the smallest of things like when he smiles and then bam happiness hits you like a llama spits on you and then he talks to a girl and i guess it's some weird kind of jealousy where it's a sudden reminder that i'm not adequate, kind of thing. teenager insecurities, what can i say? it makes me want to talk to him more and funny because i know the basic outline of his personality but because i do i just imagine ''future'' conversations with the dude and try to start conversations but end up hesitating and it just makes me want to get to know him so much more because he genuinely seems like a good person and a good friend and i just--

/flips table. my imagination is great as a writer but it'll be my downfall as a victim of puppy love.

my friend got me thinking though - if i'd ever confess to this canoe guy and my answer to that is yes because i think, liking someone is such a beautiful thing (loving someone is even more beautiful) and that because i'm such a romantic i would want them to know. a confession of mine would probably be really weird because i'd be fangirling to them about themselves-- yeah.

iunno, at least it'd make their day?

goddayum i have no idea. i just think it's worth the victim of the liking knowing. i just don't want it to get so blown up because these things do and it's pretty stupid.

so in the meantime, i'm... pretty happy with myself because i've been talking to more people. one of my friends, claire, is really awesome. me and her really unite as shy people and that's super spiffy, huehue. i'm glad because we talked about the victims of our life recently and i expressed the what i practically wrote above and how i was done with liking this guy because i say hi and stuff but i'm just pondering about the point, and what she said was that if someone said hi to you often, they'd seem more approachable and i kind of got knocked out of that train of thought because i remembered one of the most awesome quotes of all time 'a simple hello can lead to a million things'. i really feel for her though because she's liked this guy for two years and she confessed to him about two years ago and he rejected her-- but she still liked him and she said she'd confess to him for the final time around this yea. that's really good for her because i think, if she just lets him know then not only would he be awkward but he'd be happy and flattered  - i can bet you he will - but she might be able to get over him no matter how hard that is and she'd be satisfied if she knew that the fact she liked him made his day, because i think it'd make anyone's day, having a cutie confess to you.

sometimes i get these moods where i'm really up myself and just like 'yeah u know what canoe guy, you're lucky i like you' but then i'm like 'okay no you're not because there's probably other popular and beautiful girls out there who like you as well so... yeah my feelings aren't that special probably' /sigh. being a teenager is weird.

i went to the gym on thursday (it's friday today) and then i went to squash with my bro and i was already feeling tired because of basketball on wednesday but then today i went rollerskating and holy crepes everything hurts it's not even funny like my butt feels like it'll combust sometime if i tense it or if i'm trying to take a dump so yeah. life. well i guess it's a good feeling but it's not because y'know how you feel good but exhausted after exercising? well this is like 3x the exhaustion bit.

also, i'm auditioning for the illawarra performing ensemble! it's... gonna be nerve-wracking but i hope i do well. i have to practice. it's on the 15th of december, so yeah, i have some time.

also recently i released a ladybug into the wild and it was gr8 ((so inspirational wow)).

so friends, this is entry 10!

have a wonderful day because everyone deserves a day full of smiles and all that jazz. reminder to sit up straight darlings.

entry 6

OMFG OKAY.

so basically in english we had to write our own speech of a topic of 'personal contextual importance', and guess what i did?

shyness.

here's a copy of it:

First of all, let me warn you. They asked for personal… we're gonna get pretty personal. I'm not sure how to go into this topic without it being personal, so yeah. 

  

I'm a shy person. It's… pretty obvious, I guess. 

  

I can't account for all the shy people out there, but being shy… 

  

Okay, let me ask you, have you ever really wanted to be friends with someone? Because, you think that maybe if you gave it a go you could get along with them, really well? You think about it before you go to bed at night, rehearse imaginary conversations in your head, think of lame conversation starters; and get really fired up but kind of anxious about the next day? And because you're anxious, you kind of hesitate when you see that person you want to talk to, so you don't end up putting those crappy conversation starters to the test. 

  

Maybe that's just me. 

  

Let me ask you another question. 

  

Remember when you were a kid? Maybe around, 3 years old?  I can't really remember what I was doing back then or what I was feeling, so I don't think you guys can really remember in exact detail what you were doing, when you were that young. That feeling of not remembering, that's what I have of year 7. And I wasn't even in Smiths Hill back then. When you leave primary school, you're not really your own person. So this whole idea of separation from my best friends in primary school was overwhelming; I knew no one, and I didn't try to get to know anyone - I even remember someone asking me 'why don't you smile much?' I couldn't really answer. At that time I was in my own little bubble, I don't even know. Maybe sometime around late term 1, I started making friends with this girl who really liked this anime, and the day we went to the library to watch it together my mum told me I was moving to smith's hill. 

  

I was… pretty hesitant to go, but compared to the me back then and the me now, I'm pretty glad I chose going. So year 7, I can’t really remember – it was just a huge rush. 

  

Year 8 flew by really quickly - it was just about making my own little nest with my bunch of friends. Around the end of 2012 I think someone random from our year said hello to me and I was pretty surprised so I said hi back. That made me realise that saying hello to people was actually really awesome - after all I think it made my day. So I thought, that people in our year are actually probably friendly and interesting people that'd be cool to become friends with. 

  

And these kind of thoughts transferred into year 9. This is where my brother came in. 

  

My bro went to this school, graduating before I finished primary school, but ever since I can remember he's always told me about the things he's done in Smiths Hill (like making Smag with his friends) and from all the stories he's told, well, I know he was one of those people you call 'popular', or at least, he knew everyone and everyone knew him and his nickname was even 'Smiley' for a short while. He was outgoing, friendly, skipped class once in year 11 and saw Mr Zabelle at the shops, who told him 'I won't tell if you won't tell'…. And then I'm that shy girl who has trouble talking to people I don't really know. 

  

I know, I know it's bad 'comparing' myself to him, but I can't really help it - I look up to him. He's the type who wouldn't change a thing if he were asked, 'would you go back and change your high school life if given the chance'. And what's funny is - we can do anything we want. Like, at assembly, just full on dancing and singing your heart out to the national anthem, or going up to someone in the streets and just hugging them. Of course I don't really recommend that one, because it'd be bordering on creepy and sexual harassment, but, yeah. That's why I figured, why not? Why can't I just try to be more approachable, and say hello to random people - make friends? I don't want to be the person regretting stuff later because I was too scared to just go up and say hi to someone. Others might judge that it’d be weird because – woah – the quiet person? 

But yolo. 

  

So yeah, after a long while of just thinking and staring at the computer screen I came up with this. I was pretty hesitant about it all, but oh well. 

The making friend thing… I’m getting there. 

Oh, and next time you see a shy person, you should totally talk to them. They’re probably really cool. 

yeah.

i'm the most embarassing person aren't i?

okay, well i guess not that embarassing, but still.

/deep sigh.

so the class laughed a few times and people clapped and all that. i don't really expect anything to change; i'm just glad i got it out.

my story has been told and now they know not only my name but my story too.

i hope nothing bad comes out of this /flops, rather the opposite?

i'm tired.

today i was put into a group with the src dude and another guy. it was awkward but hey, i tried, kinda.

yolo.

man i'm so tired.

this is entry 6, thanks for reading.

have an awesome day!

entry 4

so recently i've been getting into the star trek series, due to the two newest movies, 09 and 13. Chris Pine is definitely one sexy mofo just saiyan'. i even made a rp blog (just-following-orders) and it's so unbelievably fun.

did i tell you guys about the maths seating plan?

i don't think so...

well, let me tell you about it then.

basically, maybe a term ago our teacher decided to put the class into a seating plan because everyone was being too noisy with the people they already were with and i got paired up with this guy called adam. he's uh, he's one of those popular-ish guys and he's friends with the canoe guy. did i tell you the story of canoe guy? omg i have to tell lots of stories, don't i, aha. well i might say it later but for now, canoe guy is my used-to-be/maybe crush.

at first i was thinking: oh this'll be alright this guy seems okay, i can make friends with him!

the first time he sat next to me it was okay. at least, i think it was. he was just laughing randomly and i didn't question why though i did jokingly ask him if he was alright, to which he laughed and said yes, and stuff.

the next time he came into class and sat next to a popular girl and i was like well okay, but then the teacher told him to go back to his seat and he kind of groaned and sat next to me again.

the third time he entered class with his friend and as he walked to his seat he joked with his friend about 'getting in with the asian chick' and that was probably the point where i was like yeah... no... - i wasn't sure if i really wanted to make friends with this guy. i talked to him a bit but then the next lesson the jokes about 'getting in' with me got worse so i decided not to talk to him at all.

i felt as if because i was the 'quiet, shy' girl, if i talked to a guy suddenly they'd suspect something and get all cocky, so... yeah. i've become a bit apprehensive when talking to guys now.

the fourth or fifth time i sat next to him, well, he was okay. the jokes stopped and even though he has a tendency of looking over my work (aND MAKING ME ANXIOUS like seriously he's really good at maths and i'm okay and i swear he judges me based on my answers) he's alright. he helped me once and i was like oh...? thank you.

so he's okay. i'm just, a bit, maybe scared of him? intimidated? i don't know the right word but i don't think he likes me aha.

then we had to change classrooms.

at first it was okay because we were allowed to sit next to our friends again but then guess what.

...

you probably guessed right.

another seating plan was put into order and this time it was another guy called will, who i had once lent a calculator to (i pride myself on that fact yo). will's cool. he's like the class clown but he's nice, so this time i'm a tad happier where i am ehe.

i find it cool because although i'm not amazing at maths i'm good enough, and will is okay at it so basically i can help him and these last two lessons i've been helping him so that's pretty awesome - it makes me feel as if I've done something good LOL. it's so awesome because i was kind of just copying questions down and we were sharing textbooks and he asked if i had done question f, which i hadn't. and basically he told me what you had to do and i was like well okay thanks i think and he was like no worries i felt like i needed to show off to you and i was like well... thank you again. and he seems really nice so i wouldn't mind getting to know him more! /puts on victory headband I FEEL AS IF I'M MAKING FRIEND AND IT's GLORIOUS GUYS.

recently though, when it's coming to other people i've been a bit hesitant for some reason.

y'know canoe guy? well, y'know how i went up to him and said all that stuff about him being cool and asking him if he didn't mind me talking to him?

well it's been two weeks and i haven't talked to him at all because i've been too scared /deep sigh.

i know that it's supposed to be a two-way thing like; there's supposed to be some reciprocation but what reason does he have to talk to me? i'm just that shy girl who's happened to gain random bursts of courage and then cowardliness. yeah, i have no idea how this is gonna work out but sometimes i just get random sparks of bleh and i just go to my friend ruby 'man i am the awkwardest person you'll ever meet' and she always questions why and i tell her a bit but never go too into detail, but i think she understands.

halloween is coming up.

i hope you guys have a good one! c:

thanks for reading, this is entry number 4.

have a happiness-filled day friends!

entry 3

do you ever just...

maybe this is just me and my own thoughts, but...

do you ever just have that passing thought of; 'and then there's me...'?

this is stupid and i'm over-thinking this but i saw a picture of facebook of two of my classmates - one who is this really popular girl and another of this guy, they were together posing and looking as if they had lots of fun. and of course there were the many comments and more than 25+ likes and it's so stupid but i couldn't help but look at the girl and remember the many times she's been involved with crazy events (mainly guys teasing her and stuff) happening with her, and thinking - 'and then there's me...'.

it's so... hard.

i don't even know why.

i'm really an idiot.

it's funny how humans envy things. god, and it's really annoying. life is such a butt. the real, nice things come like poop - gradually but feeling nice and when finally you're done pooping, you're satisfied until you need to poop again.

wait does that even work---

sorry, that didn't turn out as smoothly as i wanted it to.

/deep sigh.

so, just re-reading what i wrote... what was my point? i don't even know myself.

oh, that's right.

it's just that since it's already been two years or so, people have already made their friendship groups and even if i do try to connect with people and get to know them more it's just... it feels pointless because i'm constantly wondering if they like me, or constantly beating myself up over the fact that i'm so awkward it hurts.

i want to become friends with particular people so much in my year that i end up worrying uselessly over how i'll approach them and when i do approach them i tend to not approach them again because i'm scared they'll think i'm annoying.

i was talking to my friend recently about this, a primary school friend who doesn't go to my highschool, and she was like: well, if you keep thinking you're bad at that kind of thing, when you're actually facing it you'll believe that you're bad when you're really not and you'll ruin it for yourself.

i see her point, i really do. she also said that i wasn't that shy but i don't think she knows it first-hand because she hasn't seen me withdraw into the shell that i have around me. but then she also stated that i was kind of like a turtle, with a shell of... something akin to shyness but on the inside really weird and crazy and lovable. honestly? i just want to show people the... more... extrovert me instead of the introvert exterior.

true friendships can happen similar to the idea of 'clicking' it just does and you don't remember how but it is how it is. it can also happen gradually. right now i can't think of other ways, but maybe there are.

i just...

i'm really...

she told me to just be myself and to say hi to people more and start conversations - and if people were in my class then that's good because you can eventually talk to them more and more until you're friends.

and that's a good plan but what would i talk about with them?

i just.

i really.

let me wallow in self-hate for a moment.

/deep sigh.

at least, recently i've been making a friend, i think.

i realized that facebook was actually a pretty good tool to getting to know people and such - so i began speaking to this guy. let's call him bell. basically during our convo it got to the question that i asked 'do you think you're a shy person?' and he said, 'yeah, i am pretty shy. why?' and i then stated that i was a shy person as well and that the reason i ran for src was to be more approachable to our year and such, and that i wanted to make friends. and then later i kinda hesitantly asked, 'do you think the people in our year would mind if i talked to them more?' and his response made me incredibly happy like i was just smiling at it for a while - it was: 'no! they'd love to get to know you' and still that makes me so happy you can't believe--

uhm, anyway.

it gives me motivation y'know? sorry i was being so negative earlier. i have those moments and you'll probably see more of them, i'm sorry.

if anyone actually reads this, then what are you feeling? can you relate to this? do you pity me? do you think i'm an idiot (don't worry, i do too)? honestly, i want to know.

but yeah.

i should just keep on smiling and doing what i'm doing and stop thinking so much.

thank you for reading. this is entry 3.

may happiness rule your day. also a reminder that smiling is good for your face. so go ahead and do it yo. only if you mean it though.

entry 2

i'm a hopeless romantic.

seriously.

it really sucks to be me.

there are so many pretty (generally, not just referring to ladies) people in my year. among them there are two that are SUPER, SUPER pretty. like intensely pretty - like 'how even are you that pretty' pretty.

in my spare time, like when i'm having a bath (a good suggestion for baths is using 1/4 cup of honey, it's wonderful promise) or before i go to sleep, i tend to think a lot. i think about could be's and those could be's could be (/snickers) the end of me. y'see, i plan a lot of things. i plan things like - so what should i say to this person, how would they respond, and how will i respond to their response? things like that, and i'm open to if they don't turn out the way i plan because if they don't turn out the way i plan, well, that just means i'm getting the guts to begin the plan in the first place.

lemme tell you a thing.

today is uhm, the second day into the school holidays.

you know what i did on the last day of school?

i went up to this guy.

now, this guy used to be my crush.

i honestly cannot tell if this guy still IS my crush because i do not feel the dokidokis (term meaning: heartbeat) for him, or anyone for that matter. i think. i really, really can't tell and it's annoying me a lot.

so i went up to the guy, and i did not plan a thing when i said 'oh, uhm, yeah this may be a little weird but you seem like a really cool person, do you mind if i talk to you some more?' - okay so maybe i've been thinking of saying this to some people i think are amazing because i'm scared if i'll annoy them - but I JUST. WORD VOMIT. UGH.

to self: this is why you can't have nice things.

his response was a really cute smile and he said something along the lines of 'yeah go ahead' or something but i was too ASDFGHJ to really register it.

fuck.

sorry for the swear.

but anyway. all i wanted to do was say a 'see you and have a good holiday' but no, i just had to say something like that. i think what i had in mind at that moment was 'oh yeah say something memorable geez', but darling jesse, yes that may've been memorable but ALSO REALLY STUPID OF YOU because now he probably thinks you like him (and maybe you kind of do) but really, how stupid can you be when you're not even sure of if you DO like him? i just...

give me a moment of silence to facepalm at my idiocy.

...
...
...

thank you.

fuck.

sorry again.

ugh.

now i just have to hope he kind of forgets about that interaction and i have to act normal. i don't know why i'm overreacting but i'll give you a warning that i am prone to it even if there is no reason to.

i'm just waiting for the holidays to be over so i can act all smooth-talking and suave.

and oh.

back to the thing about the hopeless romantic thing.

wait, first i'll go into more depth about the src thing i mentioned last entry.

so for the src thing you have to make a speech and i vaguely remember saying something about toilet paper for the leisure of people's butts. uhm. yeah. that was on the spur of the moment and i didn't mean to mention the word butt or any synonym to 'butt'. so anyway my friend told me later that day that a guy in our year was talking about it on the bus and he'd voted for me because he thought that mention of the butts was cute.

i was not sure how to react to that, and i told that friend to not tell me anything because it'd raise my hopes (i didn't get it in the end so i'm glad that i didn't get my hopes raised too much) but after the src thing was over, i finally asked her who it was and it was this guy in my year who i kind of... well... avoided (not really, but i can't find the particular word for what i want to say) because i thought he was kind of unreachable and 'too cool' for me, the shy girl. i realize now though that people are actually SO easy to say hello to and they say 'a simple hello can lead to a million things'. so i've stopped trying to think that people are too good for me and stuff and just get out there and try to make friends with them, without annoying them.

it's 12:53am and i need to pee.

sorry 'bout that.

so anyway i began to pay more attention to this guy and recently i've been saying hi to him and i'm pretty proud of saying hello to him /coughs. because he seems like an extremely nice guy and it makes me so so happy that at least someone supposedly voted for me.

uh and let me get something out - HE'S EXTREMELY FUCKING ATTRACTIVE.

sorry. just putting it out there.

but now i really want to become a friend of his because he seems genuinely like a good person.

and i've made more friendly acquaintances! it's so fun making friends, wow.

so i'll tell you about one friendly acquaintance interaction!

i was paired up with this guy, let's call him megan (weird i know, but if i ever look back at this i think i can remember who it is just by that name huehuehue) for this thing for intro drama, along with these two year eights.

it was pretty awkward at first and we had to think of this routine for this cheer, and no one had any ideas until megan suggested one and then i suggested one and then we kinda kept the conversation going so that no one else felt too awkward. let's just say our cheer wasn't as good at the other's but hey, at least we tried. and during that time we had to think of stuff, i remembered when megan was talking to this other guy about this zombie game called the last of us and i was excited about it as well but decided it might be weird for me, especially coz i'm a girl and i guess guys don't really expect girls to be into games, so i didn't say anything. but i brought it up and was like, so hey you have the last of us right? and he was like (I THINK HE WAS PROBABLY KINDA CREEPED OUT SO IF HE EVER SEES THIS WHICH HE PROBS WON'T, I'M SORRY) oh yeah and then we began to talk about the ending and stuff and ellie and joel and stuff and it was great.

we had to stay in our groups for this clowning skit and that was less awkward than the first one and i feel that it was really good, because intro drama requires us to be out there, and less shy and more ourselves - and since we all put in our ideas, i think our clowning skit was pretty damn awesome.

so i took this as an 'okay' to say hi to him and the other people in my group everytime i see them.

so a day or two later, i was walking to class and i hadn't really noticed megan walking behind me until he walked up beside me and i was like WOAH, that's kinda creepy megan. and he was like what you're not very aware of your surroundings are you and i was like /sheepish no and he was like haha how are you gonna survive in a zombie apocalypse and i was like iunno get a shotgun and by that time we were kinda parting to go to our dif classes, but he laughed (making people laugh is so great too wow that's like +2 friendship points amiright) and was like how will you find a shotgun in australia and i was like iunno make one?? but anyway we parted ways.

BUT ISN'T THAT SO COOL.

hehe.

it's so great.

also, i went to this thing called relay for life on a saturday at 8pm til sunday 9am and i only had two hours of sleep and did a hella lot of walking. everything hurts yo, but hey, it was for fighting back at cancer so it's worth it. i bought a plant and i saw that this other girl bought a plant so i was like hey, i bought a plant too and she laughed and was like i know aye! how can you resist when they're so cute! and i was like hahaha yeah! and the convo ended there but we had to help pack tents and stuff anyway.

so i talked to maybe 5 people there and made even more friendly acquaintances. it's so amazing. i should put myself out more, but i'm pretty proud of how i'm going so far. it's amazing, honestly.

i also think i became close to one of my close-ish friends - while walking we talked about lots of things - and so yeah. that's really awesome.

everything is really amazing, although i'm not sure what i'm going to do in the holidays now that they've started.

well.

yeah.

OH WAIT. the thing with the hopeless romance and such.

uh, what was i even gonna say about that? maybe i'll talk about it in the next entry but only if i remember it hey. this is long post.

thanks for reading. this is entry 2. have a happiness-filled day!