Friday, 11 April 2014

entry 24

to unhappy jesse:

if you're ever unhappy, as the title in front of your name does imply, then remember this:

'no one knows anything for sure. they're just doing the best with what they already have.'

or... well i'm not entirely sure how that will help, but it's a nice quote right? hehehehe B)

and so, today is a tuesday and this happened:

i said hi to canoe guy today after science, and i brought up the subject of science and we were kinda discussing physics for a while because i really failed at it and don't like it that much but then he mused that physics was actually pretty easy, because it was just maths and then i kind of went silent and was like -- yeah... maths is my weakpoint.

but then he laughed and said, well you're good at english. i'm the opposite.

and then i kind of looked at him and was like, 'how do you know i'm good at english?'

and he maybe blinked, and said 'well i was in your class' and i was like ah, yeah, okay then

his head turned then and he suddenly said goodbye to his friend henry and henry said bye and i was walking for a bit and so was the canoe guy and then i looked back for reasons unknown and henry was looking at me maybe in this weird way and then i got unsettled and continued walking

we fell into this silence and then finally i was like


step 5

and canoe guy looked intrigued, and responded; step 5? what's that?

and i was like


/insert inward nervous laughter

it's saying sorry

and then his smile kind of faltered and 'oh' was his reply

and then i kind of rambled and was like uhm i'm sorry

and he did that thing where he looked down and was like it's okay, and gave me a laugh

and then i was like

by the way nice haircut

because he got a haircut right (obviously--)

and then he smiled and was like, oh, haha thank you! and i said it matches him and then he smiled and was like, it's a soccer cut and okay so maybe i think it's a tad cute he told me that but-- i mean, a soccer cut okay sorry that is pretty adorable, he looked excited-- uh anyway i swear i'm getting over him, but anyway, i smiled and jokingly said it was beautiful to which he laughed a bit

and then i was like

so uhm, yes, i'm sorry if i -- and then at this point he got kind of flighty again, and as i was saying this he was saying something like 'it's okay' and at the same point he got silent and i said 'made you feel as if you should talk to me'

and then he gave me this


and i'm not sure what to make of it because i'm not sure if he got the gist of what i was saying

and then he said bye really quickly

and maybe that's coz he had a bus to go to or maybe he realised he was as awkward as i realised that i felt really awkward in that moment

and so i nodded and said bye

and then i walked away

and whispered repeatedly to myself, 'that was so awkward' i don't know how many times but as i was walking i went past this boy and he looked at me weirdly but B) oh well but

well yes

life right?


so we'll see how this goes.



uh i think that was around three weeks ago.

the second week, i... went a different way from him because i was uhm nervous and i was silly and well yeah i kind of regret it but /laughs nervously

the last week i was at music camp!! and music camp was beautiful save for the unMENTIONABLE THINGS THAT HAPPENED WHEN A BANDAID INVADED MY frACKLING PERSONAL BUBBLE

okay that sounds really odd but basically /shudders when someone licks you it's the grossest thing UGH

just.. no bandaid. no.

i'll send this after u and i don't think u want that

but seriously, please no more of that idek how you can /deal/ with licking other people's hands like who knows what they've TOUCHED and like URGH /shudders


so i haven't updated in quite a long while and i guess i have a lot to tell.

so basically i had this phase where... i uh, i actually can't remember it so maybe if i keep typing it'll pop up in my brain.

uh, so, long story short i found out more about myself through kind of... getting over canoe guy. interesting right? especially since look at what i've done previously; well, at least to me it's interesting how it went away. or at least that's what i say but sometimes i can't trust my own words, hehe.

and when i say that i'm not even meaning it in some deep sense, it's just that my brain or whatever is just hELLA weird whenever it comes to canoe guy /snickers (iunno man, you'd think after 14, nearly 15 years, i'd have gotten used to how silly i am), so. yes.

sooo, to get on with the little stuff:


i guess i lost interest? i'd said what i wanted to say (although a lot of the littler things are being left unsaid at the moment). and after talking to him for three weeks before that incident plus music camp and all that, i didn't get that feeling anymore. that was maybe mostly due to the fact every time i saw him i felt really bad because of that whole 'obligation' escapade. i guess i associated that obligation with him pitying me and i really hated the idea of that /nods. but it's been 25 posts now, i'm sure you readers know i have the tendency to overthink.

since claire is now like my official confider (along with ruby and katie - katie's also going through the same thing), i told claire after i also informed rubrub, and i had a lot of trouble explaining what i felt without sounding as if i were lamenting so maybe i'll have that same trouble here.

but basically i began feeling indifferent towards him maybe after realising that we are just so, so different. in the way that i explained it to ruby, it's that more often i've been finding i don't think of him much -- that was when the whole obligation thing kind of calmed but was still prominent so maybe i didn't bother to think of him to suppress my uh, face-palm worthy feelings.

nowadays my eyes find him and yeah, he's still um /coughs really pretty (jesus christ, he was wearing a jumper today and it was so weird it was the first time i saw him in one and i guess it is true that you notice the silly random things about the person you're into/were into?) and i wouldn't be surprised that if he initiated something someday i would undoubtedly have to go through that whole liking thing again. but i doubt it so right now i'm feeling HELLA content :D

but the things i do, haha, the flower, the note, the smile thing-- i don't know how many people have done the kinda shiz i've done but... i guess i feel like i need something, maybe something unique, something interesting, a challenge that's also reciprocal - lol what am i saying - maybe not need, but want something that can interest me but also ensures reciprocation? everyone wants reciprocation after all but i think of odd things, i do them, and then i get impatient, so quickly as well.

maybe i judged too quickly with canoe guy because like, if i were in his situation i would be so at a loss for words, but y'know /shrugs i'd just like to return to my care-free life :D

ruby asked me if i was being /that/ person and i was like

lol, well, not... really. it's just how i am. and besides i'd have to keep up won't i?

and i'm just SO weird like i'm not even probably worthy of the things i come up with but i want them anyway

i guess that's being human, but only time will tell

and then after i told claire my thoughts which were VERY disconnected - she understood me anyway, i don't know how she does that, that saint i s2g - she told me exactly what i didn't know i wanted to hear and theeen she told me i should probs tell him but then we talked for a whole lot more and i decided that i don't think telling him is such a good idea (i can literally feel the awkwardness that would ensue if i blurted out something like 'ye so we're NOT rIGHT FOR EACH OTHER LET'S GO OUR DIFFERENT PATHS' and ???) so i'm obviously not going to do that any time soon.

at music camp btw, zara, hazza, ruby and claire were in my cabin and i re-told the story of canoe/shy/boygirl to those friends and who canoe guy was because i figured they deserved to know especially because i came to a deeper understanding of my feelings and all (lol) and well, zara cried for some reason and repeated a lot that i'm brave, but i just do what i do and then there are repercussions so... at the very least, it's safe to say i felt good for telling them (although there are two in my group who don't yet know but i don't think they're that curious anyway). the story took over an hour to tell and hazza got so impatient with who it was but it was... fun to tell.

anyway, i know that if canoe guy did something-- i'm sure i've already said this, something... well something, it'd probably be very easy for me to get those urgh heart feelings back.

anyway, today was a tuesday. so i'd previously decided that i'd probably talk to him about photography and stuff because that's his hobby (he has this fb page and uhm when i say i seriously didn't investigate his fb profile ((...although when i first liked him i looked at his profile pictures of his face to ensure that yes i was uhM Y'know and no i was not imagining it but LET's NOT GO THERE)) i mean it, i saw his friend like the page and then i was like wait i know those initials and then well yes jfc) and well this tuesday i was gonna do it and a short while after i'd walked out of science, my friends and i separated and canoe guy was walking in front of me and before that as we were actually exiting the classroom, he'd looked back at me and maybe it was a questioning look as if asking i'd come up to him again or maybe i'm looking into things but i smiled at him and he blinked and smiled back and that was probably the first time we'd acknowledged each other since before music camp (although i was running to my friends at luna park yesterday - for science we went to luna park B) - and we met eyes and i waved and he waved).

uhm so i kinda went off track there, but i looked at claire who was walking away and she was looking at me and her eyes were like alit determinedly and she mouthed 'go' or something akin to that and that spurred me on so

i basically ran up beside him and we said hey and then we settled into this silence as i searched for something to say.

as soon as i was about to ask a question, he also began saying something so i quietened and let him speak and we basically made small talk about the new topic we started - biology - today and it was... fun to kind of jab at how bad i was at phsyics. he'd asked me if i thought biology would be easier and i was like of course! and he looked at me and was like ...really? and i was like lol dude, that's not even a question. and he began talking about how hard biology was gonna be and i countered with how hard physics was and then his friend showed up and this is where things got kinda awkward, heh.

he started talking to.. let's call him coach because he's my referee at basketball funnily enough (have i mentioned him before?), well he started talking to coach and i kinda stuck around for a bit until his other friend popped up and they all started talking so i was like... /turns around slowly... /starts walking.... hesitantly... /walks....

and i had no idea what to do then but i didn't want to make things awkward for him by just standing there, so uh... yes.

i walked down the stairs and then i saw that bandaid so i walked up and said hello because i still had time before going to walk down to where i'm usually picked up and i kind of wanted to say goodbye to canoe guy but waiting would be a bit...

so i said hello to the bandaid and then he BRANDISHED HIS HANDS OR WHATEVER AND I KNEW WHAT HE WAS GONNA DO SO I RAN AWAY BEFORE HE COULD but then as i was kinda going 'doN'T U DARE TOUCH ME' canoe guy came down the stairs and bandaid was doing his thing and i met canoe guy's eyes and i was like-- /small smile?? cya and he kind of nodded and said bye and then i jabbed the bandaid in the side (at least i think i did).

but well, yeah.

after that

i walked down to the place i got picked up at and well

i wonder why i was smiling?

i guess it's because canoe guy kind of carried the conversation or who even knows. it... felt nice talking to him and haha i really want to talk to him again and about more stuff.


he... looks.... nice???? in a jumper???

aNYWAy 'm going to move on from this topic.

if i have any readers out there who aren't my actual real life friends, then you guys are so rad.

so, let me talk about my friends.

i've mentioned them a lot before, so they deserve to be written about yo B)

so i'm part of this group and we call ourselves the pandas for some reason; maybe because we sit next to bamboo but hey, the name stuck.

i'LL start with claire-bear - the NICEST CHICKA, as i've already described her, YOU WILL EVER MEET. a few years ago i probably would have never have guessed how sassy she was or how good she was to talk to and especially her ability to reason and look at the big picture which has helped me so much throughout the year, simply because we didn't talk much maybe because we were all settling in and there wasn't really any reason to. it's so wonderful to talk to her because as we're both on the shy side, i found out we actually understand each other so much especially when it came to senpais and wanting to get to know people-- and she really is like my big sis. it's so weird how easy it seems for her to be able to keep me calm and reassure me and give me a gentle push to where i need to be - i swear she's probably the only person who can actually steady me (exception being katie who steadies me also, but not so much with logic-- i'll explain later and ruby who has the ability to kind of... provide an observation even if it doesn't help that much, it's always appreciated). her random stories which are often absolutely pointless could be considered highlights of my dreary days /wink wonk.

guy is SO NOT RAD omfg and among a lot of other things he's a bandaid and ugh what an assbutt but okay, pushing aside all the things he does because he likes to see me frustrated and everything bad in the world, he's.... surprisingly a sweetie at heart (he does random weird things that make u go what the heck bandaid??? in a good way ofc), lol well, probably at the veeerry most (i'm kidding but this is payback for fORGETTING ME). his concept of playing with hair is different from my mum's and like the others who have actually played with my hair and i prefer the others. /snickers. seriously though. also doN'T YOU DARE COME NEAR ME WITH DIRTY HANDS OR I WILL JAB YOU INTO NEXT WEEK. B( - so anyway good things (lol what good things) to say about him is that he's fun to talk to, fun to banter with and so not fun to be around when he's set on suffocating you with his yaoi hands (thank u for putting up with me).

ruby is someone who really is subjected to all my weirdness because i tell her about everything i've encountered and especially through the first years, she was my first actual friend and i'm quite sure i was in this puppy stage - scared to venture to anyone else so i clung to her. so i'm sorry for that! but she's also my rival for japanese, person to just relax with, probably the most 'nature-y' person in the whole group and there are so many adventures we've been through together so we go a fair way back B) anD I DON'T THINK I CAN STRESS HOW MUCH SHE LOOKS LIKE A DOLL WHAT WITH ROSY CHEEKS PALE SKIN TONE BEAUTIFUL EYES /SOB but one thing that is really so beautiful is that i can always fangirl to her about anything -- absolutely anything, even taking a dump -- and she'll just accept it and that means a lot to me because we're always gonna be buddies /BUDDY FIST BUMP. even if she doesn't have the same magic wisdom as claire, she's still so understanding and she's always there for me and that's pretty damn amazing. i'm so grateful for everything she's done for me and with me hehe

ellie is SO BEAUTIFUL. when i was in year seven and eight i admit i was kind of.... i didn't talk to her much and she's a very blunt person and her bluntness can be a double-edged sword and so i didn't think i'd get along with her that much because at that point in time but i'm actually so silly because i look back and she actually wasn't all that scary as i made her out to be. she's actually such a cookie -- seemingly brittle on the outside but the inside is a fangirl and cutie and it's pretty awesome tbh. she's also my go-to sherlock partner in crime because we both adore benedict cumberbatch. have i mentioned sherlock in this post? i should probs, but this'll be a quick blog post and i'll have to summarise the rest of my friends later when i have time but i wanted to get this blog post out! (also brother hello if you're reading this).

this is a quick blog post!! but the next should come up soon!

i've made some hella new friends and it's awesome!! also acting is AMAZING. i did a performance today!

so, bye friends, this is entry 24, i hope good comes your way.