entry 22

SO HERE'S A PICTURE FROM BUSH SCHOOL I AM V. HAPPY ABOUT:

i am the asian wearing the blue hoodie /nods

and it goes, from left to right: claire, harriet, zara, rebecca, myself, sam, s'nay and ruby

/sends love to all

aND LOL so, okay looking back at my older blog posts i realise that i never explained how canoe guy got his name (and that i have so many typos i need to fix /shudders)

but long story short: he helped me carry a canoe in year 9 camp.

after canoeing, me and ruby had to carry our canoe back to the shed when this dude came up to my side and just slid the canoe out of my hands and i kind of just stood there and blinked and was like 'oh... thank you...?' and canoe guy nodded or maybe he grunted but anyway, lol, that was the first time i noticed him (senpai notice me).

he was in my group at camp and thus we had all our activities together and honestly, i didn't know his name or that he even existed before he helped me carry that canoe so sometimes i reminisce and sulk because if he hadn't helped me carry that canoe i wouldn't be fussing uselessly over him in the first place, y'know. fun fact: at camp we had this activity where there was this web with lots of shapes of different sizes and you had to work together with your whole group and use each hole once to fit a person through it - everyone had to get to the other side. so the small people went through the small holes first and since i'm one of the small-ish people, everyone allocated me this small area near the top of the web and since canoe guy is tall all his friends were shouting his last name and nudging him to carry me and well he did and i remember his hands around my waist haHAHA oh god

but yeah. canoe guy is canoe guy because he helped me carry a canoe and that at school i started noticing him more and more and suddenly the interactions we had became extremely precious to me --all the little things became bigger things-- and well, here i am now.

yeah, he's beautiful. /sigh.

so recently claire has been telling me stories about her senpai and how recently she's made a lot of progress and all this is making me smile because look how far she's come. i think it's really, really beautiful and i'll never stop thinking that people who are liked or hell, loved, are very very lucky. i really hope more good things come her way because she really deserves it.

also, my unsticky bandaid of a friend guy made a blog and APPARENTLY I NSPirED HIM /caCKLES

so he also knows my blog now and i have no idea if he plans to make it a routine to check my blog but

okay so

trigger: self harm

i went to a party yesterday

remember entry 14? with 'ames'? she changed her name but i'll keep it as ames for the sake of keeping her identity private.

she gave me a letter and i read yesterday and well, she got more blades and she says sorry but she says she hasn't used them as much as she used to before.

yeah... haha. i didn't expect her to break from the habit entirely and well

i'll stray from my opinion but i met her friends yesterday and i know she's in good hands now and the only thing i can really do is hope that she'll get out of the habit of hurting herself

i just

okay moldy tomato, are you reading this right now? because if you are i know i've probs made you uncomfortable by addressing you or some shit but you're a moldy tomato and i just

obviously i don't want you to turn to self harming

of course i don't want you to turn to cutting

of course

because it's something that-

i don't know if i'm describing it well because i'm not too well-versed in things like this but

i just

if there's a chance i can stop you from starting it then i want to take it because i feel like cutting/self-harming is something that envelopes you and i don't want you to fall deeply into it; to feel bad that you're doing it to yourself and to feel guilty and beat yourself up when your friends are worried about you but still do it anyway because for some reason you can't help it

i don't know much of your story, you pencil

so my words may not mean much and they probs won't do much

but if it counts

i want you to be happy and i want you to be safe and i want you to not hurt yourself when you're feeling down or anything negative

because /coughs even though you've called me a paperclip and the eraser that everyone loses and other names, i feel really lucky to have you as a friend because like in my other blog post, you really do make life interesting and i love telling people about you being a child trafficker and constantly molesting my hair and my hands and making comments about how i'm short/small; you make me wanna tell stories about you and i don't want your story to turn into something sad

i'm probably going too far into it or something but there you go

those are my thoughts and yolo because this is my hella personal diary

but yes

i went to a party yesterday!! and met lots of ame's new friends and one thing about her is that i don't think knows that she has this ability to bring people together. or that's just how it seems to me.

but her friends were all awesome and this guy luke kept dancing with me and everyone else ofc but he was interesting and cool hehe

and seth was fabulous

and i didn't talk to many of them but i'm glad for ames

there was a lot of hair stroking and omg one major thing was that there was this couch and there was this system that if you were in a position closer to the arm of the couch you were of high status so everyone aimed to be the highest and that caused a lot of chaos and dog-piling and i was crushed and maimed a couple of times but no big deal

aND I'LL NEVER SAY IT OUT LOUD BUT... when people play with your hair... uwu.... it's a nice feeling....

i like it when people pat my head asdfgh neVER say it out loud but it's like

well my senpai senpai as in my big bro but not actually dude simon in uni now pats my head whenever he sees me and it's like ;v;

i don't know how to explain it but it makes me happy

but asdSDFG

note: u diarrhoea apocalypse, guy, if you're reading this don't use it against me or i will karate chop u with my ninja skillz

samson by regina spektor is a beautiful song btw

and i have a picture of my friends sleeping and leaning on each other at the party but it's really bad quality but here it is

lucy, ruby smiling like the creeper she is, guy the bandaid, kai actually sleeping and claire

 ah and here are the wings i drew for ames though they were unfinished when i took the picture--

and this is entry 22 and i really like pineapples but not the actual pineapples, only the ones you find in the can soaked in syrup/juice because the real pineapples somehow makes your tongue feel weird if you eat too much and that feeling is horrible

i hope you readers have a beautiful day and remember that you're fabulous and i hope good things come your way

thank you for reading!!

ah and happy march because it's the second and march just started and well happy march!!